tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90357291565939125032024-03-07T01:05:22.729-05:00~Walking in New Shoes~A journey from one side to the other~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.comBlogger261125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-85043798933788203472012-05-23T21:57:00.001-05:002012-05-23T22:07:26.843-05:00Time flies when you having ..er ..funIt's been a long time since I've felt the need to write, I'm not even sure why I feel the need now. Things are going well, I am 1 year 2 months post op now and feel good. I'm finally feeling back to normal physically. I did take a ride back to Montreal in March for a check up. Dr Brassard said everything looked good. The appointment was pretty non eventful except one pretty embarassing moment. It went something like this.. <br />
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Dr Brassard had me take my bottoms and undies off so he could examine me. As he pulled the stirrups out he looked at me and asked, "you know what to do here?" Without missing a beat I looked at him and said no and wasn't prepared for his answer. <br />
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"Well you don't put your elbows in them" <br />
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His wit never ceases to amaze me. I climbed up on the exam table and stuck my feet in the stirrups for the first time (at least awake since the last time was during surgery and I was sleeping). As I scooted down he got into postition and looked up at me stating. <br />
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"Can I have a look" <br />
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I simply couldn't resist so I replied "Sure, it's your work anyway"<br />
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Again without missing a beat his charming wit presented "Well while it is my work it does belong to you, although I do have a certain amount of myself invested in it" <br />
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I swear I dont know how I didn't pee laughing. OMG, I'm hearing this in such an awkward position. LOL. As he was examining me he was question a spot I had mentioned as being a tad sore so he asked me to point to it. It's kind of awkward trying to point down between your legs like that but I was able to at least give him a general idea. As he examined me he couldn't seem to locate anything out of the orinary. But to be sure he wanted me to be able to see where I was pointing and direct the nurse to get me a hand held mirror. She retrieved the mirror and placed it on my belly. As I grabbed it and put it down between my legs in search of "The spot" something caught my eye. Something that well for lack of a better term left me not only mortified, but knowing I had one hell of a story for my first real vaginal exam. <br />
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As I peered into the mirror, stuck to the side of my year old labia was a piece, no ..maybe more like a chunk of stuck dried TOILET PAPER!!!!!<br />
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I'm sorry but I've never thought I could be horrified and amused all in one shot. To his credit Dr Brassard never missed a beat, never drew attention to it and never said a word. So there it is, my first real exam and it couldn't just be an exam, it HAD to be memorable .. <br />
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We did have a fun trip to Montreal. I got to see some great friends I'd missed, Jungle and Alexis. Got to do some shopping. Got to see the residence again aqnd most of all got quality time with my friends Cyn and Jenn. But somehow given all that I'm still stuck on the memory of my first "exam"~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-22206522104493660792011-08-28T18:58:00.002-05:002011-08-28T19:14:57.514-05:00Godzilla pt3 dilation.As I previously stated we were all required to eat meals in the dining room together. If you're not in the dining room eating then more than likely you are doing what is called "dilating" This is done after surgey to help the new vagina heal properly and not close up. I'm posting a picture of a dilator and I want you to note the dots on the top of the um, appliance! This will come into play.
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<br /><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIn7uXC9xVw8NNdPAKYIxCXM9UZbKnopSWAqHdP5U0Dw_6MHvJzQee1mZdiz35Qlw0wSGoQTLrn2iCCMhNh4XpEmDR3vcoyIj6N2TWUvVLyjM3uLD8zgOgwzFjPV43TZxE99w9eOKwpLI/s1600/photo-715667.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5646060564563940690" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIn7uXC9xVw8NNdPAKYIxCXM9UZbKnopSWAqHdP5U0Dw_6MHvJzQee1mZdiz35Qlw0wSGoQTLrn2iCCMhNh4XpEmDR3vcoyIj6N2TWUvVLyjM3uLD8zgOgwzFjPV43TZxE99w9eOKwpLI/s320/photo-715667.JPG" /></a></p>
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<br />As we sat at the dinner table it was Godzilla on one end, Cathy, Myself, on the other end was Jungle next to me, then on the opposite side was Aubry. The conversation that followed has NOT left my mind since that day. It went like this!
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<br />Godzilla: Cathy I have a question, you know the dilators EH
<br />Cathy: Yes
<br />Godzilla: You know the dots on top of them eh? What are they for?
<br />Cathy: Oh those are a measurement so you know how deep to go. The black dot is an average but if you dont have the depth, don't force it because you can do damage and hurt yourself badly.
<br />Godzilla: Oh I dont have that problem eh, mine swallows it up whole
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<br />I swear to god my head went down into my plate and I tried hard not to laugh. Apprently Jungle did the same thing as me, he would later reveal he was afraid to look over at me because he knew he'd lose it. When I peeked over at him his eyes were as wide as silver dollars.
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<br />Trying to play it safe he looked straight up to avoid eye contact ith me but it didn't help because as he did so, Diane was sitting in the corner doubled over laughing her ASS off. Which now cause Jungle to let go in turn causing me to lose it. It was so bad that Diane got up and ran out of the room.
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<br />Seriously, what was she thinking.
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<br />Godzilla's room was down the hall from mine. Every morning around 2am the nurse would come in to take my vitals and Godzilla had a habit of constantly calling the nurses ont he phone. So as she was trying to do my vitals her phone rang and she had to stop to answer it
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<br />I not only heard the voice on the phone, I heard it down the hall in unison.
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<br />"Can I help you?"
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<br />Godzilla: "Hey you know the hole eh"
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<br />WTF ... seriously ..WTF ..
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<br />~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-38833380123422936452011-08-28T18:27:00.002-05:002011-08-28T18:55:01.320-05:00Godzilla contWhen I got up on Monday morning I did so with almost zero sleep. Between worrying about the impending surgery and what I had experienced meeting Godzilla I was just not in a good frame of mind. 2 things would help me out.
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<br />1)Diane and Cyn were coming to take me to breakfast and shopping to get my mind off the day
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<br />2)Godzilla had left for her surgery, I didn't have to see her for a while. Well, maybe not See her but I'd end up hearing her ...WTF
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<br />I ended up having my surgery on Tuesday March 22nd and I'll get into those details at another time but right now my focus is on Godzilla. Who I would hear constantly in the room next to mine. She had a very loud voice with a very distinct Canadian draw ...EH ...
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<br />She went back to the Asclepiade on Wed and I returned on Thursday to what seemed like a very dead crowd. As we would all get to know each other this would change drastically. I've never laughed so hard in all my life.
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<br />3x times a day Breakfast,Lunch,Dinner you are expected to come down to the dining room table to eat.They are very strict about no food in your room and they want you to keep your strength up for healing. So every meal the dinner bell would sound and we would all show up to eat and by merry..
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<br />Generally the last person to the table at every meal was Godzilla. I would learn fast she had little experience in the subject of table manners and acceptable behavior. One of the first meals here comes Godzilla to eat, micro miniskirt on and ass hanging out the back, two re-usable ice packs, one in each hand.
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<br />Godzilla sat at the end of the table, kicked back in the chair and proceeded to pull her miniskirt band down so she could stuff the icepacks into her crotch ... while we were eating .. again WTF .. Don't people think of others before they do stupid shit?
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<br />At another meal Godzilla waddled up to the table next to me during lunch and the conversation must have been about significant others to which Godzilla quipped tht when her boyfriend Tony wanted to kiss her she would have to biff him in the head and make him get up on a step.
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<br />I swear to god I threw my lunch up right in my mouth. Argh ..
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<br />On the table was usually a colander of soup with a ladle. Most people would bring the bowl up to the top of the colander, not Godzilla!! She out her bowl on the table and proceeded to pour it from the top of the colander (about 8" off the table) to her bowl, spilling it all over the table directly where I was sitting.
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<br />At some point during our Monty python moment Cynthia leaned over to Diane and remarked "Karyn's gonna be fuckin pissed" in that dirty little laugh Cynthia has! Geez ya think? If my crotch hadn't been rearranged and swollen 5x it's normal size I swear I'd have laid the bitch out at that point.
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<br />more to come ~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-23679878133763152902011-08-28T09:11:00.010-05:002011-08-28T18:22:30.310-05:00People you meet (IE:Godzilla)Generally I get along with most people and if I don't I will at least try to be cordial but every so often you meet that one person that you just say WTF. Upon showing up an the Asclepiade at 3pm on Sunday I walked in and was greeted by several of the nurses, one was a girl that Cyn was very fond of and happy to see. One of the guys went to the car with me to get my bags and show me to my room.
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<br />I had prebooked room 206 which was Cyns old room. As we entered the room he showed me where I'd be living for the next 10 days and instructed me to get settled, he would be back with another patient to show us around. I wasn't prepared for just how quickly things would go downhill from there.
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<br />When I heard them return outside my door I turned to come out of the room, butterflies in my stomach shaking knees wondering if I was doing the right thing and then I came face to with HER!
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<br />I don't usually like to be so harsh about other people, I try to see the best in others but she made it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to be anything but negative. I've affectionately named her "Godzilla" in all of my Montreal stories.
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<br />As I came face to face with Godzilla I could not even tell you what her name was at the time.I actually went into a state of shock upon seeing her. Godzilla was the epitome of what every trans girl tries NOT to be. She was the type of trans girl that gives most trans people a bad name in the public eyes. Whether she tried too hard to fit in or just didn't use common sense it was unknown but it wouldn't take long for me to figure that I did not like this person.
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<br />Lets start with the visual
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<br />Godzilla stood at about 6 foot tall, about 4 inches taller than I am. She was an overweight girl who carried all of it in her belly, a BIG beer belly that you would see most guy have hanging over their belt. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but when you take into account the fashionable outfit you then begin to understand my dilemma.
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<br />Godzilla was all decked out in black, starting with her black boots, then black tights, a black flared MICRO miniskirt that belonged on a 12 year old (Her ass hung out the back). She wore a black tight top that hugged the beer belly overhanging her micro mini. She had jet black hair with 2 ponytails hanging high off each side of her head and yet as you would think it couldn't get worse, think again!
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<br />Godzilla had a FULL goatee. OK ladies before you all jump on me I get the fact that some Trans girls simply aren't that far along with electrolysis. I would have believed that could be the case but for one detail. Ladies please, if you are in the process of getting your facial hair removed PLEASE so not intentionally grow it and shave it in the style of goatee... unless you are Female to Male then more power to ya.
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<br />Maybe I'm being harsh and I'll get bashed for it, but she did so much emotional damage to me I pleaded to leave and come home. Both Diane and Cyn supported whatever decision I needed to make. In fact my facebook post from that evening said "I've never felt so alone in all my life" I would not even leave my room. After seeing her my first thought was WTF am I doing to myself ... thankfully, I knew if I got that fixing myself, I'd never be able to live with myself after I left without finishing.
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<br />More Godzilla to follow ~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-51662293875963564882011-08-28T09:00:00.004-05:002011-08-28T09:10:14.490-05:00Intial reactions and someone I'd love forget.This blog may not bode well for squeamish Trans people. It may even anger a few but this is my account of feelings of my time in Montreal.
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<br />Driving up to Montreal was a quiet surreal event for me, lets face it my life was about to make a major step in a different direction. Being trans is NOT easy and transition is even harder. It takes a lot of soul searching and strength to get to the point of physically changing your body, but for a true transsexual it is the teeter point of finally feeling normal and at peace.
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<br />A lot of things enter your mind on a 5 hour drive to something like this. What am I going to feel like afterwards, will there be a lot of pain, will I be able to function normally. I had all these thoughts but they didn't prepare me for the person I'd soon meet and the emotionally turmoil it would leave me in.
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<br />Thankfully if it hadn't been for a handful of people that either escorted me there or were there for their own surgeries, I'd have never gotten through this easily.
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<br />My wife Diane, Cynthia, Jennifer, Kay, Jungle, Aubry and Cathy all made my week bearable and fun. Even the people that worked at the residence got involved in the laughs at times. Without these people I may not have completed my journey. ~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-12539101110065962432011-08-28T08:51:00.004-05:002011-08-28T08:59:34.959-05:00Finally surgical stories!So I said a LONG time ago I was going to detail my time in Montreal and I kind of went wayside and got lazy. The truth is I was more focused on ME and my recouperation than typing out things. There's a hurricaine coming, I'm bored and need to be creative so here goes. ~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-88880683950941576542011-03-20T11:27:00.000-05:002011-03-20T11:26:31.736-05:00Sunday 12:14 pm VermontAs I write this I am sitting in the backseat of Cynthia's car with about 3 hours to go to reach the residence in Montreal. The last few days have had me riding a wave of emotions. Everything from elation to fear. I am having a hard time believing that this time has come. Looking back on it I go from feeling that it came too fast and sometimes I am amazed at how long it seems to have taken. <p>It hard sitting in the back of a car for 5 hours bring nervous of what you are about to experience but at the same time it is a lifetime of internal pain just to get here. <p>Last night we took time to have dinner with the whole family and then went back to my inlays for cake. The time they gave me last night was just what I needed and I'm taking that with me. It's amazing to be able to see that they are not only happy for me in what I. Have to do but they are also worried for me that everything turns out well. It's hard not to feel more loved than that. I'm lucky to have all the friends and family in my life that I do and I am forever grateful for them.<p>I once told my wife that maybe I was put here like this for a reason, maybe my being is to teach people about tolerance and diversity. Who knows but at least I know the people around me are forever changed along with me. <p>Diane seems to be at peace with things, more so than I am. I worry that I'm doing something that is hurtful to her and she constantly assures me that I'm not. How do you ever find a better partner than that?<p>Well enough for now, it has begun. I'll try updating as much as possible<br>~K~~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-75869295586965767852011-03-14T18:12:00.000-05:002011-03-14T18:11:49.325-05:00Hormone therapyHave I mentioned getting off hormone therapy sucks?~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-80315117556267508892011-03-13T08:29:00.002-05:002011-03-13T09:26:23.225-05:00Incredible womenI've mentioned that I have 3 incredible women in my life and without those three my story would have ended long ago. I look at these three with love but also admiration for who they are. Each of these women have hearts that far exceed most people that I know and I only wish I could be as good as they are. <br /><br />My wife Diane for obvious reasons is the first. I met Diane when I was 17 and we have not only been best friends ever since, but we couldn't be more in love. Diane has known about my feelings for a great deal of our 20 year marriage and she never once wavered in what she expected of or for me. She has always wanted for my dreams to come true and for me to have that sense of happiness and inner peace that I could never seem to find internally. She wanted this for me unselfishly at the prospect of losing her man to a newer woman. <br /><br />Every so often I would ask her if she was sure this was the right thing for both of us, she would always smile and give me a reassuring yes. She has admitted that without this she feels she would lose the person she loved due to suicide. Sometimes she shows that she is a much wiser woman than I am or could ever be.<br /><br />Diane seems to look at every new step with excitement and wonderment. In some crazy way this could never be the same without sharing all these new steps with her. I grow more and more in love with her everyday. Something I'd never believed was possible. <br /><br />The second woman who is an inspiration to me is Annah Moore. She inspires me not because she has some form of notoriety, she inspires me to be a better person because that's what she has been. She has shown a caring and love for a person 2800 miles away from her without any hesitation.<br /><br />I knew Annah as a member of a few prominent guitar bulletin boards I ran. She was a cute girl that all the guys on the site would fall over every time she posted. They would be there to complement her every time she would post a new song she had recorded. Everyone saw her as a special girl because most women don't shred on guitar and here was this blond beauty who could rip. <br /><br />One evening on the discovery health network was a show on transsexuals transitioning. It was designed to be a tasteful but educational show on transsexuals and on that show was this be beautiful blond ripping on a jackson guitar, her name Was Annah Moore!<br /><br />I remember that morning when the story broke on our boards I vowed she would not be treated any differently and got our other administrators on board. Then I realized I had the perfect opportunity to tall to someone who not only has dealt with e same thing Im living with but she was brave enough to fix it. I emailed Annah and we have been friends ever since. She was the first person who had been able to get into my head and realize I was headed for a destructive path. She has given me a shoulder to lean on, celebrated each new victory, taught me to not be ashamed of who I am. I cannot ever look back on where I started or where I am now without being thankful for my angel Annah. I never believed in fate until I felt like she was pushed into my path for a reason. It was too perfect in timing to not be. <br /><br />The third woman I admire and adore is Cynthia Tebbetts. My counselor told me about a story that was about to appear in our local paper. Obviously I looked forward to that because it was about exactly what I had been dealing with. In that story was a lady named Cynthia Tebbetts. <br /><br />Let me start by saying I don't normally search out people in the paper but again, I believe Cynthia was put in my path for a reason. While profile hopping on myspace. I came across Cynthia's profile. What caught my eye was that in her list of heroes that she hoped to meet one day was my friend Annah. Cynthia saw Annah on dsc and had read Annah's book. Because of that one connection I decided to email her tell her who I was and thank her for her story in the paper. We have been good friends ever since. <br /><br />Cynthia is playfully referred to as mom by some. It took me a while to see why. What I realized early about her is that she has a a depth for caring for people and animals that surpasses most people. She is another woman that walked the same path that I am and has never hesitated to be my shoulder or my strength in tough days. <br /><br />Cyn is such a caring person that she volunteered to accompany Dee and I to Montreal for the 10 days just so Diane wouldn't have to be alone. She is such a giving caring person that I could never repay her but I am so proud to be able to call her my friend. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't email each other. In fact there isn't a day that I don't speak to each one of these women. <br /><br />So in closing I wanted to thank each one publicly and show the people who read this blog that there are good people who care out there. There are people who can see through to your core and they can show enough love to change your path. My life will never be the same due to these three, but it will never be the same in a great way. Because of these three I have become a rich woman. They have given me a gift that I am thankful for everyday of my life now ... <br /><br />Thanks ladies and I love you! <br />Karyn~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-45127487698123201982011-03-12T13:40:00.000-05:002011-03-12T13:41:16.640-05:00New tattoo to mark the new change<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNz7pc0U3LOjNWBFReQkqK2HCrFlQPe77NzuzLt3k_QfaE_MF2Yte-zN1Y_6nF3S4eFiiKZoCYyRJXEwp-iT0aXekg1RxTof3lcs1Eq-QrUNAmTx57lp1QjkX1a2m_aQWfVSVoHzcCr34/s1600/photo-776641.JPG"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNz7pc0U3LOjNWBFReQkqK2HCrFlQPe77NzuzLt3k_QfaE_MF2Yte-zN1Y_6nF3S4eFiiKZoCYyRJXEwp-iT0aXekg1RxTof3lcs1Eq-QrUNAmTx57lp1QjkX1a2m_aQWfVSVoHzcCr34/s320/photo-776641.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5583265404960770930" /></a></p>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-46542565678842554842011-03-12T12:56:00.004-05:002011-03-12T13:33:37.738-05:00Almost thereAs I sit here to type this I am typing this on my new iPad. I bought this specifically to take to Montreal when I have my surgery! Kinda cool where technology has gone. <br /><br />The point of this blog when I started was to be able to document a journal for myself as, well as allow others dealing with gender identity issues to have a resource. It would also allow people who wanted more insights into what it was an avenue to learn. Inevitably though for a lot of us surgery is the final step in moving on with out lives. GRS or genital reconstructive surgery is the big step to making a lot of us feel whoever and right. For me that comes in a little more than 1 week when I travel to Montreal and have GRS with Dr Pierre Brassard, one of the top surgeons in this field. <br /><br />Over the last few weeks I've been through a lot preparing for my journey. I've had to stop my hormone therapy in preparation for surgery. It is a necessary caution as estrogen can cause blood clotting and other meds can can cause excessive bleeding. So while there is an upside to doing this there is also a huge burden to be dealt with, hormone withdrawal. <br /><br />Hormone withdrawal sucks, I cannot state it any plainer at that. It basically mimics what menopause does in gender born women. I've run the gambit of symptoms from hot flashes to cramping in my legs and back to depression. It has not been a fun two weeks but I can easily justify it to get to e end of this and do so in a safe manner! <br /><br />While sitting at my in-laws last week I had the first hot flash which my mother in law and her best friend thought funny. She laughed and remarked to me "well, you wanted to be a woman" I guess she could sympathize with what I was going though! Lol needless to say I have probably not been the most pleasant person to be around for the last few weeks. <br /><br />Over the next days and weeks I am gong to try and document everything I experience. Not only for this blog but I am considering following in my friends footsteps and writing a book on my transition. While there are plenty of books on the subject, every story is unique and it doesn't hurt. Besides I find a lot of humor in my transition as I move forward, I have to or I'd go crazy! <br /><br />Well this is enough for now but I'll be back. I need to publicly thank 3 of the most incredible women I know. <br /><br />Karyn~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-13080769550479534882010-10-07T05:33:00.001-05:002010-10-07T05:33:40.816-05:00Reposted from my facebook accountSome thoughts about bullying, and recent events<p>I've been watching Facebook this week and seeing a lot of awareness posts in relation to the Rutgers student Tyler Clementi who committed suicide. In fact these past few weeks have been flooded with the issue of people being harassed and bullied causing them to take their own lives; while I find it touching, it saddens me to think it has taken so long to get to the point of finally recognizing it<p>Just a few short years ago a young teenager took his life after being bullied due to his gender ambiguity. Then there are the stories of Teena Brandon, Gwen Araujo or even Matthew Shepherd whose murder was the basis for the current hate crimes law to protect GLBT people. It's not a new problem, just one that has been made apparent recently by the sad death of a prominent student.<p>On an Internet board I frequent in relation to my work this week a thread started discussing this very incident. Sadly the majorities of the people on this board live in the Bible belt and are hard core bible worshipers. In most incidents these people didn't blame the perpetrators for their actions but they blamed the victim for his lifestyle. In fact a few have even stated that most should be forced back in the closet with one stating that homosexuality should be a crime punishable by death. To say it was disturbing would be putting it mildly. Unfortunately this is the mentality of a lot of people in this country, believing that we are all doomed to live be their own gods religion and rules. Religious freedom to these people only exists in one form, theirs!<p>As most of you know I'm transgender and chose to transition in late 2005 to save my own life. I can't say it has always been easy, I still deal with my own insecurities about who I am, my appearance, how people see me and so forth. I can say however that I've been incredibly lucky. I've not lost anyone in my life who cared about me and I only know of 2 people who were distant from me have a hard time with it.<p>In transitioning I learned this statement bears some truth and to this day I continue to use it when I encounter hatred such as the Tyler Clementi story.<p>"I spent a long time and a lot of therapy learning to finally love myself just so other people can hate me"<p>This one-line sum up anybody's feelings who have decided to take control of who they are and live their own lives being true to who they are. I actually coined that phrase on the first day of my change at work when everyone finally knew what was going on with me. I had a very positive reaction with the exception of one person and because of that, that statement was born.<p>It's never an easy thing hiding who you are and it is even worse being afraid because other people have dictated who you should be. I'm not sure just why people who have no emotional vesting in a person feel they have the god given right to have ownership of that person's identity.<p>When I see stories about trans-people I generally make one big mistake. I always seem to get caught up in reading the comment section and nine times out of ten, I end up disappointed in people. For instance one of the biggest things that's thrown around about people like me is our possible birth genetics.<p>IE: You're born a man, you should be happy and stay a man.<p>IE: It doesn't matter what you make yourself looks like your DNA still say's you're a man!<p>I find these statements funny and degrading all at once. Funny because most people who would make that statement have never had to question or hide who they were. Or what I was like before I worked to fix myself. It is degrading because they take ownership of my identity and expect me to be miserable and usually follow their religious beliefs.<p>Sadly, to see me most people would never question my appearance. I never get sir'ed even if dressed in gender neutral clothing. But for some that isn't the case. No matter how hard they try they will still not be able to escape the masculine or feminine features they were born with. Still, they have a right to live and be happy but because they are more obvious they are picked on, ridiculed, pointed at, started at, beaten, abused, denied certain rights and so on. The same rings true of a gay man who appears to be more feminine or a tomboyish woman who appears to be more masculine. It doesn't matter what their orientation is, they are labeled and ridiculed. Even as simple as being forced into typical gender stereotypes. It affects all of us!<p>So to close this long writing out I wanted to say this. It's great to see all the support and caring for such a sensitive subject. Please make this the beginning of positive change and not something that is just the current fad. The people who need support really need it, they need you. They need you to be nonjudgmental, accepting and loving. They need every one of us to stand up and say that the are not only valued but they are equals. Whether it be DOMA, DADT, ENDA or simple everyday life, please keep the ball rolling and make this world more tolerable for all of us!! We may see it as a rainbow but at the end of the day, we all bleed the same color!<p><p>~K~<p><p>Edit: For those who may not know the acronyms..<p><p>DADT= Don't ask, Don't tell (requiring homosexuals to serve in hiding)<p>DOMA= Defense of Marriage Act (Banning same sex marriage)<p>ENDA- Employment non discrimination act (Banning the discrimination of GLBT people in Employment)<p><p>Until these things change, we are only a free and equal country for some of our people.~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-76918520299725668782010-09-27T05:31:00.000-05:002010-09-27T05:32:15.750-05:00Dee and I at Disney recently<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKoDwY3l_yRu1Yku5WsVYRTKRcIYxFqHkZYEDl3Y27BfHqQQzFT9OHG1FfjTiqVAxN08U57wmb8MSQlFxMzUq9PbxZXdAywrc4hQGGYo3myk3U87Zw32CiMFDEx4HfBkMoEGm3F8py-90/s1600/photo-735751.JPG"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKoDwY3l_yRu1Yku5WsVYRTKRcIYxFqHkZYEDl3Y27BfHqQQzFT9OHG1FfjTiqVAxN08U57wmb8MSQlFxMzUq9PbxZXdAywrc4hQGGYo3myk3U87Zw32CiMFDEx4HfBkMoEGm3F8py-90/s320/photo-735751.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5521539246585158722" /></a></p>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-29386858378411131212010-09-23T09:49:00.001-05:002010-09-23T09:49:29.559-05:00March 22nd, 2011All I did was post a date a few weeks ago. I needed time for it to sink in and time for the vacation we were planning. Diane and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on Sept 15th. While it seems like a huge milestone and I know it is, we have actually been together 27 years this year. Still it was something to be happy about and we celebrated with a vacation in Florida at Disney. We have a beautiful hotel, great weather and a park that was a tad slower because school was back in session.<p>Now that I'm back and have had time to start absorbing that date let me start by saying March 22nd 2011 is the date of my surgery with Dr Brassard in Montreal. It's kind of funny because the people around me are all wondering why I'm not excited about that. So let me start by saying, I am excited about it. I'm also very very nervous, a tad scared and very anxious.<p>While I knew that the "goal" of this was to be able to be comfortable with my body and live my life in a more normal way, it took me a long time to get to this point. I deliberately took my time to make sure that every decision was the right one. Not only for me but all the closest people to me. In my heart I know it is the right decision and yet that didn't prepare me for the wave of emotions I've been feeling.<p>When I took those first steps notifying a TG friendly therapist, going into counseling and making the decision to transition from male to female, I hadn't been prepared for the roller coaster wave of emotions that would hit me in those first early months.<p>Fear, elation, worry and so forth were just the tip of the iceberg. There's a certain amount of emotion that overcomes you in realizing that everything you knew about yourself and needed was finally coming to fruition. Annah Moore told me this was normal to feel this way, she had dealt with the same feelings in her own experience. Eventually those feelings and emotions leveled out to a sense of normalcy and life because a lore more steady for me<p>2 weeks ago I opened my email to find a note from Dr Brassard's office confirming that they received all my paperwork, that it was in order and that they had a date available asking if I would like it. As soon as I read March 22nd, 2011 I can say that my whole body started shaking and I felt as though I was in shock. I wrote back and told her that YES, I'll take that date after consulting with Dee.<p>Once things started to settle in the whole wave of emotion that hit me in late 2005 had come rushing back. It was most certainly not something I had prepared for and yet when I told Annah and my friend Cyn about it I was assured that they had dealt with the same thing. In fact I believe Cyn is enjoying reliving her experience through me ..lol.<p>Anyway that's the BIG news and I am quite happy about it. Now just the anticipation … lol<p>~K~~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-64658598475459891212010-09-10T09:41:00.003-05:002010-09-21T14:48:47.164-05:00The point of this blog is here<p> ~March 22, 2011~</p>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-6898381495997797962010-09-07T18:06:00.002-05:002010-09-07T18:08:13.854-05:00Really?I got read this past Saturday! <p>Not by a store clerk or a waiter, not by a passerby at the mall, nothing like that at all. </p><p>I got read Saturday, by a 3 year old at the family cookout!! </p><p>I generally move through life without issue. If it's brought up it is usually because I've brought it up to someone I trust. Heck I've had people I didn't know hang with us and then find out later that I was trans and they had no clue. Couldn't get it past the 3 year old though! </p><p>When I first started I was told by my counselor that generally kids figure it out. Adult just kind of don't pay enough attention. This little girl just walked right up to me with a curious look on her face and with conviction asked "Aren't you a boy?" </p><p>I must admit I was pretty surprised and a bit dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say because it was so unexpected! If you ever get honestly, it'll surely be from a 3 year old, and boy it doesn't sting any less from the age of the person. </p><p>I got F'in read on Saturday!! </p><p>~K~</p><p></p>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-20213602821835305352010-09-05T10:27:00.003-05:002010-09-05T10:43:17.650-05:00Wow ..cobwebs .. need to clean up in hereBeen a loooong time since i have felt like writing or sharing anything. Like most people in general and especially trassexual people I've had my share of ups and downs over the last year. Funny enough most of those down are do to my own thought process of just overthinking and beating everything to death. Somedays I am my own worst enemy.<br /><br />Life today is as normal as it can be. Dee and I have had a rough 8-12 months with the ilness of ehr brother in law and ultimately his passing on July 27th of this year He fought a 9 year battle with a brain tumor. As tragic as itwas the one good thing is that it brought her family together in a much tighter way. She finally has a great relationship with her little sister and I'm happy to see that happen. The other thing that came of it was that my nieces were finally told of their uncles changes. They now understand why I wasn't "Uncle Kevin" anymore but now KK to them.<br /><br />I have to admit out of everyone the kids were the ones that weighed on me the most because I didn't want to do anything to hurt them, I love them way too much and it would tear me apart inside if I had. Thankfully they were very cool with it and in some wierd ways have pushed and embraced it. Not bad for a 9 and 12 year old. I'm so thankful for them and their love everyday.<br /><br />So after all this time is there any big news? Yup, my official letters and paperwork have been sent to Dr Brassard's office for surgery. I'm not waiting on a date.<br /><br />The big question thateveybody seems to ask is if I am excited and they are shocked when i say I'm not really. But you really have to know my reasoning and have actually paid attention to the manner I transitioned in to really understand that.<br /><br />In my letter to Brassard it states that I approached my transition "slow and deliberate." I never jumped in running full bore for the finish line. I worked on aspects of myself slowly and with purpose so i would know that anything I did was not mistake. I can honestly say that internally I have never ever been more at peace with who I am. Externally has been a huge adjustment. playing in bands, running a high profile guitar website and travelling for it help support an extroverted ego to some point. I never worried about fitting in or being able to be friendly and outgoing with people. That all changed with transition and I suddenly hit the opposite side of the coin having to relearn who I am and how I fit in. I can honestly say I'm slowly getting there and life gets easier and easier.<br /><br />The other part of not being excited is simply because I'm scared to death and very anxious. I've never EVER been good about doctors and surgical procedures. I had some bad experiences as a kid that never quite left my mind. So while I can help other people with blood and guts type stuff, it never sat well when it was me. So it'll be a long wait to get to Montreal .. lol<br /><br />Well I need to getready for a family cookout. Hope this post finds all my friends well. That is IF anyone actually reads my writings anymore. I've been so lazy I don't blame anyone about forgetting about me ... lol<br /><br />Cheers people ~K~~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-35483115209742220902010-04-01T10:54:00.001-05:002010-04-01T10:54:35.689-05:00As much as things change, they stay the sameIt's been a while since I wrote anything regarding my transition let alone anything here to my blog. I don't even know if anyone even stops here anymore to check up. I'm not sure if life has just become complacent or I'm just living normally and I don't have anything of substance to add here. God knows there's been a lot of news on Trans rights, Health etc. For me life is just life, and while that's a good thing for the most part but it certainly doesn't mean I'm done or do not have any more moments. <br /><br />It's gotten to the point that I'm just Karyn now and that's cool with me. I still however have my moment in public worrying that I'm being read or someone is simply seeing me as a boy. I've often told my wife I don't thin I'm feminine enough for this and she laughs at me. I'm not totally sure why but considering she tends to be tomboyish I can probably guess. I do know that when I'm out and get into a worrying mood that all it takes at times is to see my reflection in a window or mirror. At that point I'll usually wonder how anyone could possibly see a boy anymore. That is except the people who have known me for a long time. Yes people, it still happens. <br /><br />Upon a recent trip to a local dollar store with my mother and father in law there was an elderly gentleman asking my father in law questions about ipod touch accessories. He called me over and told the man that "this guy right here can help you, he's good at this stuff" I thought to myself that not only will I never get out of Kev's shadow, but I wonder what kind of a disadvantage I am at by being outed in that manner. I did my best to help the man and explain things so he could understand them, I even called my wife over for reference on something. When the gentleman walked away he looked back and said thank you ladies, you've been a bog help!! Have a great day .. <br /><br />Score one for the girls! YAY!!<br /><br />It's kind of funny to think that even being "outed" by my father in law that my appearance is so girlish that it didn't matter what he told the man. <br /><br />As we were walking around the store my father in law made mentioned to Dee's mom that he had me help the man and he referred to me as "he" when he pointed at me. My mother in law spun around quickly and quipped "She's not a <strong>HE</strong>, she's a <strong>SHE</strong>" <br /><br />God love her! She has been so awesome to me and I see her so much differently than I did 20 years ago. She's such a sweetheart. <br /><br />As much as things change, they stay the same. I'm learning that people will make mistakes and some people refuse to see it at all. Doesn't mean we aren't loved but it definitely continues to sting. For now I guess I'll take what I can get! :o) <br /><br />~K~~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-20316734770888002622009-10-08T06:04:00.001-05:002009-10-08T06:04:49.045-05:00Giving Props to Dear Abby<p><font size="3">Last month was Dee and my 19th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been 19 years already, it just amazes me how fast time flies. We look at it with a lot of pride knowing that not many couples have that kind of longevity and yet in the bigger picture it's not really anything. Why would I discount my wedding anniversary and not really anything? <br /><br />Well the best way to view it is to simply say that Diane I met in June of 1983, were dating in Nov and steady on my birthday that Dec so legitimately we have 26 years of history together. We are that rare couple that knew each other since Diane's senior year of highschool. I guess on some level you could say that I was her highschool sweetheart. How often do you ever hear of relationships lasting THAT long. Certainly something to be proud of. <br /><br />On Sept 15th we received the usual anniversary card in the mail from my in-laws sending their well wishes. It was as we were backing into the driveway that I noticed the manner in which the envelope had been address. "Ms Diane Maynard and Ms K Maynard." I flashed the envelope over at Dee and it put a smile on her face. <br /><br />When we got settled in after our work day that night Diane called her mom to let her know we had received the card and she made it a point to thank her for the manner in which the card had been addressed. This was the first time that I had been address in a female manner on any correspondence with her family, usually it was just K Maynard. <br /><br />Her mom explained to her that she had been reading a story about wedding invitations and how a transgender family member should be addressed when sending this invitation to which Dear Abby explains that gender identification should be written to the preferred gender of the recipient. My mother in law took that letter to heart and made sure to remember that when sending our card. I can't tell you how nice of a feeling that was …. <br /><br />Funny how one Dear Abby answer can make a difference in other peoples lives. </font></p><p></p><p><font size="3">Rock on ~Karyn~</font></p><p><br /></p>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-90719644573426518542009-08-04T10:21:00.000-05:002009-08-04T10:22:00.440-05:00Giving thanksOne of the hardest things in transitioning in middle age is the direction we have to take. We set our goals to right ourselves, our bodies, our minds and our souls so that we can live in peace. A lot of us live with the idea of going stealth so we can just blend into society and not have to deal with the discrimination that the word usually seems to toss our way, lets face it being trans isn't easy.<p>A few weeks ago America's top model ISIS was on Larry King live to discuss transgender issues and made a statement that made me really think. She exclaimed that she didn't consider herself trans any longer but she was simply a woman. I guess that's the ultimate goal, feeling so natural and corrected that we can just be. God knows that's all I've ever wanted is to have enough peace to just be.<p>The bigger picture made it appear as though she was distancing herself from trans people altogether and for some that can be a bit of a sore spot. You see, when I got my wake up call after hitting the wall I had an incredible amount of support from my friend Annah Moore.<p>Annah had already walked the path I am walking and when I asked her why she was so open about who she was and not stealth her answer made so much sense to me. The thing about Annah is that she is so pretty that she could easily go stealth but instead chose to be open about who she was. It intrigued me and I really wanted to know why and that was when I made a promise to her. I was told that all she wanted in return for being my support was for me to pay it forward and then my own dilemma started.<p>Paying it forward was something she felt should be done in helping those that suffer behind us and in doing so it means not being stealth and being proud of who we are. Let's face it we fight years of shame and guilt and then have to learn no to have those feelings about ourselves. There was never a bigger person disappointed in who someone was as I was in myself. So I looked at Annah and I looked behind me and realized that I needed to be as open as possible. Help when needed if even to help one person not suffer with this. Educate when asked questions so people get the right information and realize that we are just people who are overcoming our own struggles just like any other human being and so the decision to pay it forward VS being stealth hit me.<p>When I initially started to transition my intention was to go stealth and maybe even move somewhere where no one knew my history. Give up my job, give up my old friends so that I could simply be myself without fear of being ostracized and hurt by the people I loved and cared about. When it came down to it, I realized that I appreciate every person who touched my life over the years so much that I simply couldn't walk away.<p>When I started transition I couldn't even utter the word transsexual let alone admit that I was one. Heck I not only hid it well, not one of my friends for the last 40 years had even figured it out. To put myself out there meant overriding some of my worst possible fears and being open and honest about not only whom I was, but most of all being proud to be me.<p>When I joined facebook I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would connect with so many of my old friends, but one by one they have slowly come out of the wood work. From my younger years growing up in Lawrence to the people that I hung around with as a teenager, the people I went to high school with to the people I've worked with. They all started coming out of the woodwork.<p>Some found me and some I struggled with the fear of outing myself and hoping for at the very least a decent reaction. Every one of those people touched my life and made me who I am today in some sense. If it wasn't for the friendship and love of every individual person that crossed my path, I not only wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be alive today. Every one of those people helped make a tough life bearable in some small way. Simply put they made a difference in me.<p>If you're reading this because you were sent the link, then this was written for you to simply say thank you. Thank you for accepting me for who I was then and who I am now. If it weren't for every one of your moments with me I would have never been able to be me. I would have never been able to appreciate a life that viewed by many should have been a gift. For me it was a hell.<p>I admit, I've been luckier than most who have transitioned, I've lost not one person that I'm aware of. I guess that speaks volumes for not only the choices I've made in people, but the fact that every one of those people are quality people, people whom you are lucky to have in your life. People who simply care about their friends and the people around them.<p>I have a lot of fond memories of those people and I am thankful every day of my life for each one of them …<p>Thanks all ..<p>Karyn~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-7998054598973885532009-07-15T11:52:00.001-05:002009-07-15T11:52:49.109-05:00Is it really so bad?<br /><br /><font size="3">I haven't blogged in a while as I haven't really had the inspiration. I've been putting more effort into me, my guitar playing, teaching, my family, my Harley and numerous other things. For the most part, life is good. <br /><br />Yesterday on WCVB.com in reference to an anti discrimination bill being debated for gender identity some comments by a reader were made within the comment section of the article. While I support free speech and I believe that it is one of the things that makes being American so great, I have to sometime wonder the mentality of people who write such comments. </font><font size="3"><strong><em> <br /><br />All these freaks should not be allowed the same rights as everyone else. They see fit to change what the Creator gave them....so the rights provided them in the Constitution and granted from the Creator are null and void. And for all you libs out there.....I find it so amusing that when someone disagrees with you, you call them ignorant ...look in the mirror kids.</em></strong> <br /><br />Crazy huh? I have no constitutional rights because I violated "gods" laws. I wasn't aware that's how it worked.<br /><br />Well it got me to thinking about how we live our lives and how it relates to how others live their lives. Why does it really matter? One of the golden rules when we step out in public is how does our actions and decisions affect other people in society on a daily basis? Does it totally infringe on another human beings right to exist? Their safety? Their ability to earn a living? <br /><br />Take for instance the right to smoke vs the right to be smoke free. At what point does a smokers right infringe on that of another human being. Should another person be forced to inhale the same carcinogen that the smoker is just because it is the smokers right to poison himself? Obviously the answer is no, he doesn't have the right to harm someone else, only himself if he so chooses. <br /><br />So how does correcting Gender Identity issues infringe on another human beings rights to exist in public? Does it create a safety issue? Of course it doesn't. Does it infringe on their right to earn a living? Again, of course not. Does it affect them in the least? No! In fact, in most instances people would have a clue as to what is in my pants unless I either ran screaming stark naked down a city street or I simply told them. <br /><br />Everyday I get up, go to work, earn a living, pay my taxes, purchase goods and contribute to society. Does my dollar value suddenly become with less to any business owner based on what is or is not in my pants? No, of course not. <br /><br />Lastly, where does the so-called law of god stop and man made laws take over. Some people would argue that freedom of religion make certain ":moral" issues a no no. By taking this point of view whether you believe in god or not you are required to live by gods law. So much for having freedom of religion in our great country. <br /><br />Look around as you walk down any given street. There are people of various genders, colors, nationalities etc. What lessens any one of those people as a human being? Why are we so judgmental of someone we know little about and don't want to take the time learning about? It seems the easiest way to forget about our won problems is to cast judgment on someone else and suddenly the world is righted. <br /><br />Year ago I worked with a guy who wasn't having a good day unless he was literally making you miserable. I guess it goes to show misery loves company. While at the time the misery he was creating for me probably ruined my day I now look back on it with pity for that person having to be so negative. </font>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-80946487773761642552009-06-12T16:10:00.000-05:002009-06-12T16:11:11.011-05:00Dee and Me<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijQxQrmgeaSrSoUGLXh2truUDS47qjbnn44MS4pDrDtGnfJJskBknxRytxcomMO35JC1kE4lgWoclViPb_XGYAQJ2aEtSudyWnNtn8adJj9W694qZjeqOkJD1CHlAz72kSnjzhEKKImxg/s1600-h/DeenK.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijQxQrmgeaSrSoUGLXh2truUDS47qjbnn44MS4pDrDtGnfJJskBknxRytxcomMO35JC1kE4lgWoclViPb_XGYAQJ2aEtSudyWnNtn8adJj9W694qZjeqOkJD1CHlAz72kSnjzhEKKImxg/s320/DeenK.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5346551628101000178" border="0" /></a>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-55430324504569024672009-05-26T08:02:00.002-05:002009-05-26T14:23:33.619-05:00Revisiting past peopleSometimes it is funny how things can go full circle in your life without ever having any expectation of it happening. Recently I had something happen that turned out to be a nice surprise. I had been on the fence over sharing this but the other person involved felt that it was part of the story and should be told. My concern was more for her privacy than anything. But here it is. <p>Back when I was 13 years old my mom and grandmother made the decision that the inner city was no longer a good place to bring up a kid, especially a young teenager. They wanted to get out of living on a street and move from Lawrence, a city of about 70,000 to the next town over Methuen and town of about 30,000. Part of the motivation behind this was the fact my mom didn't want me going to Lawrence High School. There were no worries on my part, I had no intention on attending that school as I was in process of taking entrance exams to our regional vocational school. Back in that day you needed to be of a certain skill set to attend the "Voke' as we so loving call it. Not that we needed to be any more intelligent. In fact to this day we all joke that we are vokies so not much can be expected of us. Anytime we say or do something stupid it's very easy to blame it on being a vokie. People who went to regular high schools often view people at the Voke as people who couldn't make it in college. The reality was that because your weeks were split between academics and shop studies we had to work twice as hard. We still had to meet state requirements with 1/2 the class time to do it in. <p>We actually moved from Lawrence to Methuen in April of 1978 leaving me with only a month or so to complete the 8th grade at the Oliver in Lawrence so I could go onto high school. This would mean walking from Methuen to the school in downtown Lawrence, a 2-3 mile walk. In those days we actually felt safe enough to let kids of that age go that distance on their own ..LOL. Back then it wasn't without its fears. Walking through areas that I was used too was a little scary but none the less it was only for a short time. <p>The home my mom purchased in Methuen was a townhouse that was in a complex of 4 buildings, each build holding 4 units. Out of the 16 units only 1 of them had any kids my age, as it would turn out the boy "J" would have a lot of similar interests as me and we would eventually become good friends. Just down the street was an entire neighborhood of duplexes that held a plethora of children of every age imaginable. My days living in the area would turn out yielding some really good friendships. <p>"J" was a good kid and seemed to be fairly intelligent. We were both into Heavy Metal music and specifically both heavily into the band Kiss. In fact one Halloween J, his little sister Cher and I all went out dressed as members of Kiss for Halloween. Something I had long forgotten until I was reminded of it recently. J's little sister Cher was about 2 years younger than we were so when I first moved in I hadn't paid her much mind other than her being my friends pain in the butt little sister (Not my words, J's words LOL). Over the course of the next several years of hanging out with J and Cher we all got older, grew and tastes would change. Something I had never expected was a sudden attraction between Cher and myself and it was something that just kind of happened. <p>I spent the better part of a year being enamored by the cute little brunette who would play chicken with me (Inside joke) but then when I was more set in high school things just seemed to change. To this day I've never forgotten my first girlfriend and most of all I still hold some fond memories of her. I also remember a few of the more painful ones and readily admit that in not dealing with my GID there were times I'd done or said things that I'm not proud of. In fact after bumping into her about 10 years ago I even apologized for the way I treated her back then, I've never totally forgotten that. I tended to be a bit of a womanizer in my earlier days in an attempt to prove my manhood and hide my GID. <p>Recently while searching my old high school on facebook I came across "Cher's" profile. I sat back in my seat wondering if it would be wise to friend request her. Being friends with her and then her being my first girlfriend certainly played against each other to some degree. I had to ask my friend Kristi how she would feel if she suddenly found out that an ex boyfriend was now an ex girlfriend and then I went out on a limb and sent the message hoping for the best. "Cher" recognized me almost right away and answered me which was awesome and over the last week we have had the chance to talk quite a bit of old times as well as current events in our lives. I was very happy to hear she was in a good place and she seems happy. I'm more thrilled that I have another old friend who is very accepting of my changes. I'm not sure how shocking it was to her but she was very gracious about it. I'm not totally sure what it must be like for her having a friendship with someone who is familiar but different at the same time, but to say she has been anything short of open and accepting is an under statement. In fact, it's really nice having another person that I share a past with say, it doesn't matter; I like you for you! <p>About 10 years ago I had the pleasure of spending some time with "J". Turned out after I moved away he decided to pick up the guitar. I only wish he had decided to do that when he was younger and could have been more involved with some of the band stuff I was doing. It might have steered his life into a better path than the one he had chosen. If anything, he seemed to be doing well and spent a few days jamming with me and trying to learn a few things that I could share with him. Cher said he is doing well, still playing after all this time. I hope that when he hears about his friend that he'll be open to it but if not I can't change how he feels. It would be nice to see him again and maybe play a bit. If anything I'm just happy he's doing well … <p>Anyway, if you're reading this Cher thank you for not only being accepting, but doing so in a new way that makes me feel like I have a new/old friendship again ..you're awesome! <p>~K~</p>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-48696866496737613792009-05-06T09:13:00.001-05:002009-05-06T09:13:25.750-05:00Quick updateBeen a while since I've had much to say. Every time I think it is time to get back on the horse and start writing I just don't have it in me. That and I never think I have much to share anymore I guess. At any rate I've cut way back on web stuff lately and really only visit facebook to see what my friends are doing. So let's see what I can dig up that is new.<p>HB 415 The anti discrimination gender identity bill.<p>The bill made it all the way to the senate and then got dropped in a 24-0 vote. Sadly this was because of the scare tactics of the conservative right painting all us trans people as perverted pedophiles. Scaring women into thinking that all of a sudden their will be men in their bathrooms. I guess ignorance is bliss but I'll state the obvious anyway. Sorry peeps I'm not a dude, never have been, never will be and ya know what else? We are already in the proper bathrooms! We just blend in like we should. We are there to pee, not have sex .. Sheesh!<p>Sad that a bill meant to prevent people from being discriminated against was dropped over that<p>Same Sex marriage<p>This bill passed the house, got a recommendation to be killed in the senate, Got rewritten in the senate, passed and is headed back to the house for a new vote. It is expected to pass today. The only thing up in the air is whether Gov Lynch signs it. He's already said he defines marriage as one-woman, one-man.<p>As most people know I have stated that I am a registered republican. The only time I've ever voted differently was back in the Clinton years I went with an independent. I tend to be fiscally conservative and liberally social. Given some of the mud slinging and name that the Trans people have been subject too by the Republican Party in NH, I think I'm almost ready to jump ship. We'll see.<p>Personal notes.<p>Dee and I learned at Easter that our 2nd grandchild is on the way. We are both extremely excited about this. GG is growing fast and starting to talk. We are both hooked on her deeply and it kills us not to be able to see her more. As of right now it is looking like GC #2 will be born in the same month of my birth, December<p>I've been busy making new friends lately and I'm finding that good cross-sections of people are very understanding and accepting. I'm slowly getting to the point of feeling that I don't need to share my status with everyone anymore and that I can just live as Karyn. The nicest part is that I've gained some really nice friendships with women and I'm feeling for the first time that I fit in.. Totally awesome.<p>One of these people is a singer that I'm starting to teach some guitar too. We may also do some writing and performing together in the future. We'll see where it leads but at this point I'm just happy to be playing more again. It will be even nicer to get back onstage.<p>I've gone a little wild with my hair and added some blond patches. I actually added them a few months ago but they were very subtle. Now they are VERY blond and it is kind of funky looking. I notice a lot more people looking twice at me now.<p>I FINALLY got off my butt and replaced my Harley Denim riding jacket. I say finally because it was literally one of the last male pieces of clothing I was clinging too. Sorry, I just loved that jacket because it was a 100th anniversary jacket and my bike is a 100th Ann Harley. I will say that I got a cute jacket with a mandarin collar that I love. It has a nice feminine logo on the back of it and is slightly fitted.<p>Gawd I wish someone had told me how expensive it would be changing these things over.<p>Now I need to replace my leather and my vest to something more appropriate.<p>Not much more has changed with me physically. The chest has made it to a 38B size and it may still be filling out. I do know that when I wear a pushup bra I get some decent cleavage, something I'd never expected due to my age. My skin has continued to remain softened and a bit dryer than it used to be. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I don't seem to sweat nearly as much as I used too.<p>Emotionally I have leveled out a great deal since a few years ago. I don't have the shifts in emotions that I had early on. Now I'm just feeling more calmed and at peace with life which is one of the greatest gifts I've gotten in this.<p>Overall things are moving forward and I'm awesome. I'm closing in on the 1st anniversary of my name change, which to me is amazing. It's so hard to believe that much time has passed by.<p>~K~~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9035729156593912503.post-14458975817649918372009-04-20T07:43:00.001-05:002009-04-20T07:43:11.457-05:00HB 415<font size="3">This week will prove to be a rather big week politically for the state of NH. Just a few short weeks ago the NH House of Representatives took up several controversial bills regarding things such as the use of medical marijuana, repeal of the death penalty, same sex marriage and of course an anti discrimination bill to add gender identity to the states protections. <br /><br />The first time HB 415 came to vote was towards the end of a long days session where a great deal of legislators had left for the day. The bill had been defeated by a 15 vote margin. I can tell you it was an emotionally crushing day. Several of the people involved are people I know personally that put their best efforts forward in getting the bill passed only to be defeated. <br /><br />A few short days later a motion to reconsider the bill was brought back due to the lack of representation during the initial vote. The conservative side of the measure did everything they could to either delay or change the direction of the bill watering down its effect. At the end of the session HB 415 passed by one vote and my faith in the NH political system was again being restored.<br /><br />Like most other states and municipalities who have past similar measures, the same cut throat lying techniques have been applied here in NH drawing attention from what the bills true intent is making it about whether as a trans person I should have access to a bathroom of all things. <br /><br />How absurd it must be to assume that by protecting someone in transition that somehow a predator would use the law as a means to legally attack someone in a bathroom. Let's face it people anyone with an IQ above 10 can figure out that if they are going to break the law, they are going to do so no matter what. Instead it is easier to dehumanize people like me and make us so out of touch with reality that the "normal" people need to be protected from us. <br /><br />It's easy to see in my everyday life that I do not belong in a men's restroom and quite honestly I am extremely uncomfortable by even the thought of having to do so. I have NEVER been comfortable with it. I've seen the argument that children should be exposed to "a man in a dress" in the ladies room and one conservative legislator even had the nerve in an email to a trans constituent to label it the "Corporal Klinger bill". For once I wish people would cast aside insane sensationalism and think logically.<br /><br />You can be concerned about coming face to face with a man in dress all you want but chances are, you've already passed a trans person in your lives. Can you possibly imagine how confusing it could be to see a trans man in the womans room? People are so naïve that they treat our transitions as though we all stand out like a sore thumb which the reality is quite the opposite. <br /><br />What would happen to a transsexual woman entering a public mens room dressed well with makeup on? Would she be put in danger? Would children in that restroom somehow be LESS confused by that? <br /><br />Lets call a spade a spade here and state the obvious. If you are a man, you belong in the mens room. If you are a trans man you belong in the mensroom, if you are a trans woman you belong in the mens room. If you are a lesbian you belong in the mens room. If you are a butch looking female, yup ..yoo too shouldn't be I the womans rooom. How freaken stupid does all this sound? All for a bill designed at preventing people from losing their jobs? It is amazing what sensationalism will not only be applied too but the level of people that are so weak minded to actually THINK it has merit. <br /><br />This Thursday HB 415 comes up before the NH senate for public hearing. I have already emailed all our senators requesting their support for this bill but again I am worried that even educated people will be swayed by the sensationalism of a few bigots. Human rights should never be put of for public opinion or vote. The right of a majority to suppress a minority is nothing more than tyranny in its most basic form. <br /><br />These past few weeks I have been active on message boards across the state I've been called some of the most vile things by ignorant people and had to keep a positive attitude in the process. It hasn't been easy by I'm hoping that in the end this bill will prevail. <br /><br />Here's moving towards Thursday! <br />~K~</font>~K~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12608151809191703870noreply@blogger.com2