~Walking in New Shoes~

Godzilla pt3 dilation.

2011-08-28T18:58:00.002-05:00

As I previously stated we were all required to eat meals in the dining room together. If you're not in the dining room eating then more than likely you are doing what is called "dilating" This is done after surgey to help the new vagina heal properly and not close up. I'm posting a picture of a dilator and I want you to note the dots on the top of the um, appliance! This will come into play.

As we sat at the dinner table it was Godzilla on one end, Cathy, Myself, on the other end was Jungle next to me, then on the opposite side was Aubry. The conversation that followed has NOT left my mind since that day. It went like this!

Godzilla: Cathy I have a question, you know the dilators EH
Cathy: Yes
Godzilla: You know the dots on top of them eh? What are they for?
Cathy: Oh those are a measurement so you know how deep to go. The black dot is an average but if you dont have the depth, don't force it because you can do damage and hurt yourself badly.
Godzilla: Oh I dont have that problem eh, mine swallows it up whole

I swear to god my head went down into my plate and I tried hard not to laugh. Apprently Jungle did the same thing as me, he would later reveal he was afraid to look over at me because he knew he'd lose it. When I peeked over at him his eyes were as wide as silver dollars.

Trying to play it safe he looked straight up to avoid eye contact ith me but it didn't help because as he did so, Diane was sitting in the corner doubled over laughing her ASS off. Which now cause Jungle to let go in turn causing me to lose it. It was so bad that Diane got up and ran out of the room.

Seriously, what was she thinking.

Godzilla's room was down the hall from mine. Every morning around 2am the nurse would come in to take my vitals and Godzilla had a habit of constantly calling the nurses ont he phone. So as she was trying to do my vitals her phone rang and she had to stop to answer it

I not only heard the voice on the phone, I heard it down the hall in unison.

"Can I help you?"

Godzilla: "Hey you know the hole eh"

WTF ... seriously ..WTF ..

Godzilla cont

2011-08-28T18:27:00.002-05:00

When I got up on Monday morning I did so with almost zero sleep. Between worrying about the impending surgery and what I had experienced meeting Godzilla I was just not in a good frame of mind. 2 things would help me out.

1)Diane and Cyn were coming to take me to breakfast and shopping to get my mind off the day

2)Godzilla had left for her surgery, I didn't have to see her for a while. Well, maybe not See her but I'd end up hearing her ...WTF

I ended up having my surgery on Tuesday March 22nd and I'll get into those details at another time but right now my focus is on Godzilla. Who I would hear constantly in the room next to mine. She had a very loud voice with a very distinct Canadian draw ...EH ...

She went back to the Asclepiade on Wed and I returned on Thursday to what seemed like a very dead crowd. As we would all get to know each other this would change drastically. I've never laughed so hard in all my life.

3x times a day Breakfast,Lunch,Dinner you are expected to come down to the dining room table to eat.They are very strict about no food in your room and they want you to keep your strength up for healing. So every meal the dinner bell would sound and we would all show up to eat and by merry..

Generally the last person to the table at every meal was Godzilla. I would learn fast she had little experience in the subject of table manners and acceptable behavior. One of the first meals here comes Godzilla to eat, micro miniskirt on and ass hanging out the back, two re-usable ice packs, one in each hand.

Godzilla sat at the end of the table, kicked back in the chair and proceeded to pull her miniskirt band down so she could stuff the icepacks into her crotch ... while we were eating .. again WTF .. Don't people think of others before they do stupid shit?

At another meal Godzilla waddled up to the table next to me during lunch and the conversation must have been about significant others to which Godzilla quipped tht when her boyfriend Tony wanted to kiss her she would have to biff him in the head and make him get up on a step.

I swear to god I threw my lunch up right in my mouth. Argh ..

On the table was usually a colander of soup with a ladle. Most people would bring the bowl up to the top of the colander, not Godzilla!! She out her bowl on the table and proceeded to pour it from the top of the colander (about 8" off the table) to her bowl, spilling it all over the table directly where I was sitting.

At some point during our Monty python moment Cynthia leaned over to Diane and remarked "Karyn's gonna be fuckin pissed" in that dirty little laugh Cynthia has! Geez ya think? If my crotch hadn't been rearranged and swollen 5x it's normal size I swear I'd have laid the bitch out at that point.

more to come

People you meet (IE:Godzilla)

2011-08-28T09:11:00.010-05:00

Generally I get along with most people and if I don't I will at least try to be cordial but every so often you meet that one person that you just say WTF. Upon showing up an the Asclepiade at 3pm on Sunday I walked in and was greeted by several of the nurses, one was a girl that Cyn was very fond of and happy to see. One of the guys went to the car with me to get my bags and show me to my room.

I had prebooked room 206 which was Cyns old room. As we entered the room he showed me where I'd be living for the next 10 days and instructed me to get settled, he would be back with another patient to show us around. I wasn't prepared for just how quickly things would go downhill from there.

When I heard them return outside my door I turned to come out of the room, butterflies in my stomach shaking knees wondering if I was doing the right thing and then I came face to with HER!

I don't usually like to be so harsh about other people, I try to see the best in others but she made it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to be anything but negative. I've affectionately named her "Godzilla" in all of my Montreal stories.

As I came face to face with Godzilla I could not even tell you what her name was at the time.I actually went into a state of shock upon seeing her. Godzilla was the epitome of what every trans girl tries NOT to be. She was the type of trans girl that gives most trans people a bad name in the public eyes. Whether she tried too hard to fit in or just didn't use common sense it was unknown but it wouldn't take long for me to figure that I did not like this person.

Lets start with the visual

Godzilla stood at about 6 foot tall, about 4 inches taller than I am. She was an overweight girl who carried all of it in her belly, a BIG beer belly that you would see most guy have hanging over their belt. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but when you take into account the fashionable outfit you then begin to understand my dilemma.

Godzilla was all decked out in black, starting with her black boots, then black tights, a black flared MICRO miniskirt that belonged on a 12 year old (Her ass hung out the back). She wore a black tight top that hugged the beer belly overhanging her micro mini. She had jet black hair with 2 ponytails hanging high off each side of her head and yet as you would think it couldn't get worse, think again!

Godzilla had a FULL goatee. OK ladies before you all jump on me I get the fact that some Trans girls simply aren't that far along with electrolysis. I would have believed that could be the case but for one detail. Ladies please, if you are in the process of getting your facial hair removed PLEASE so not intentionally grow it and shave it in the style of goatee... unless you are Female to Male then more power to ya.

Maybe I'm being harsh and I'll get bashed for it, but she did so much emotional damage to me I pleaded to leave and come home. Both Diane and Cyn supported whatever decision I needed to make. In fact my facebook post from that evening said "I've never felt so alone in all my life" I would not even leave my room. After seeing her my first thought was WTF am I doing to myself ... thankfully, I knew if I got that fixing myself, I'd never be able to live with myself after I left without finishing.

More Godzilla to follow

Intial reactions and someone I'd love forget.

2011-08-28T09:00:00.004-05:00

This blog may not bode well for squeamish Trans people. It may even anger a few but this is my account of feelings of my time in Montreal.

Driving up to Montreal was a quiet surreal event for me, lets face it my life was about to make a major step in a different direction. Being trans is NOT easy and transition is even harder. It takes a lot of soul searching and strength to get to the point of physically changing your body, but for a true transsexual it is the teeter point of finally feeling normal and at peace.

A lot of things enter your mind on a 5 hour drive to something like this. What am I going to feel like afterwards, will there be a lot of pain, will I be able to function normally. I had all these thoughts but they didn't prepare me for the person I'd soon meet and the emotionally turmoil it would leave me in.

Thankfully if it hadn't been for a handful of people that either escorted me there or were there for their own surgeries, I'd have never gotten through this easily.

My wife Diane, Cynthia, Jennifer, Kay, Jungle, Aubry and Cathy all made my week bearable and fun. Even the people that worked at the residence got involved in the laughs at times. Without these people I may not have completed my journey.

Finally surgical stories!

2011-08-28T08:51:00.004-05:00

So I said a LONG time ago I was going to detail my time in Montreal and I kind of went wayside and got lazy. The truth is I was more focused on ME and my recouperation than typing out things. There's a hurricaine coming, I'm bored and need to be creative so here goes.

Sunday 12:14 pm Vermont

2011-03-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

As I write this I am sitting in the backseat of Cynthia's car with about 3 hours to go to reach the residence in Montreal. The last few days have had me riding a wave of emotions. Everything from elation to fear. I am having a hard time believing that this time has come. Looking back on it I go from feeling that it came too fast and sometimes I am amazed at how long it seems to have taken.

It hard sitting in the back of a car for 5 hours bring nervous of what you are about to experience but at the same time it is a lifetime of internal pain just to get here.

Last night we took time to have dinner with the whole family and then went back to my inlays for cake. The time they gave me last night was just what I needed and I'm taking that with me. It's amazing to be able to see that they are not only happy for me in what I. Have to do but they are also worried for me that everything turns out well. It's hard not to feel more loved than that. I'm lucky to have all the friends and family in my life that I do and I am forever grateful for them.

I once told my wife that maybe I was put here like this for a reason, maybe my being is to teach people about tolerance and diversity. Who knows but at least I know the people around me are forever changed along with me.

Diane seems to be at peace with things, more so than I am. I worry that I'm doing something that is hurtful to her and she constantly assures me that I'm not. How do you ever find a better partner than that?

Well enough for now, it has begun. I'll try updating as much as possible
~K~

Hormone therapy

2011-03-14T18:12:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned getting off hormone therapy sucks?

Incredible women

2011-03-13T08:29:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned that I have 3 incredible women in my life and without those three my story would have ended long ago. I look at these three with love but also admiration for who they are. Each of these women have hearts that far exceed most people that I know and I only wish I could be as good as they are.

My wife Diane for obvious reasons is the first. I met Diane when I was 17 and we have not only been best friends ever since, but we couldn't be more in love. Diane has known about my feelings for a great deal of our 20 year marriage and she never once wavered in what she expected of or for me. She has always wanted for my dreams to come true and for me to have that sense of happiness and inner peace that I could never seem to find internally. She wanted this for me unselfishly at the prospect of losing her man to a newer woman.

Every so often I would ask her if she was sure this was the right thing for both of us, she would always smile and give me a reassuring yes. She has admitted that without this she feels she would lose the person she loved due to suicide. Sometimes she shows that she is a much wiser woman than I am or could ever be.

Diane seems to look at every new step with excitement and wonderment. In some crazy way this could never be the same without sharing all these new steps with her. I grow more and more in love with her everyday. Something I'd never believed was possible.

The second woman who is an inspiration to me is Annah Moore. She inspires me not because she has some form of notoriety, she inspires me to be a better person because that's what she has been. She has shown a caring and love for a person 2800 miles away from her without any hesitation.

I knew Annah as a member of a few prominent guitar bulletin boards I ran. She was a cute girl that all the guys on the site would fall over every time she posted. They would be there to complement her every time she would post a new song she had recorded. Everyone saw her as a special girl because most women don't shred on guitar and here was this blond beauty who could rip.

One evening on the discovery health network was a show on transsexuals transitioning. It was designed to be a tasteful but educational show on transsexuals and on that show was this be beautiful blond ripping on a jackson guitar, her name Was Annah Moore!

I remember that morning when the story broke on our boards I vowed she would not be treated any differently and got our other administrators on board. Then I realized I had the perfect opportunity to tall to someone who not only has dealt with e same thing Im living with but she was brave enough to fix it. I emailed Annah and we have been friends ever since. She was the first person who had been able to get into my head and realize I was headed for a destructive path. She has given me a shoulder to lean on, celebrated each new victory, taught me to not be ashamed of who I am. I cannot ever look back on where I started or where I am now without being thankful for my angel Annah. I never believed in fate until I felt like she was pushed into my path for a reason. It was too perfect in timing to not be.

The third woman I admire and adore is Cynthia Tebbetts. My counselor told me about a story that was about to appear in our local paper. Obviously I looked forward to that because it was about exactly what I had been dealing with. In that story was a lady named Cynthia Tebbetts.

Let me start by saying I don't normally search out people in the paper but again, I believe Cynthia was put in my path for a reason. While profile hopping on myspace. I came across Cynthia's profile. What caught my eye was that in her list of heroes that she hoped to meet one day was my friend Annah. Cynthia saw Annah on dsc and had read Annah's book. Because of that one connection I decided to email her tell her who I was and thank her for her story in the paper. We have been good friends ever since.

Cynthia is playfully referred to as mom by some. It took me a while to see why. What I realized early about her is that she has a a depth for caring for people and animals that surpasses most people. She is another woman that walked the same path that I am and has never hesitated to be my shoulder or my strength in tough days.

Cyn is such a caring person that she volunteered to accompany Dee and I to Montreal for the 10 days just so Diane wouldn't have to be alone. She is such a giving caring person that I could never repay her but I am so proud to be able to call her my friend. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't email each other. In fact there isn't a day that I don't speak to each one of these women.

So in closing I wanted to thank each one publicly and show the people who read this blog that there are good people who care out there. There are people who can see through to your core and they can show enough love to change your path. My life will never be the same due to these three, but it will never be the same in a great way. Because of these three I have become a rich woman. They have given me a gift that I am thankful for everyday of my life now ...

Thanks ladies and I love you!
Karyn

New tattoo to mark the new change

2011-03-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

Almost there

2011-03-12T12:56:00.004-05:00

As I sit here to type this I am typing this on my new iPad. I bought this specifically to take to Montreal when I have my surgery! Kinda cool where technology has gone.

The point of this blog when I started was to be able to document a journal for myself as, well as allow others dealing with gender identity issues to have a resource. It would also allow people who wanted more insights into what it was an avenue to learn. Inevitably though for a lot of us surgery is the final step in moving on with out lives. GRS or genital reconstructive surgery is the big step to making a lot of us feel whoever and right. For me that comes in a little more than 1 week when I travel to Montreal and have GRS with Dr Pierre Brassard, one of the top surgeons in this field.

Over the last few weeks I've been through a lot preparing for my journey. I've had to stop my hormone therapy in preparation for surgery. It is a necessary caution as estrogen can cause blood clotting and other meds can can cause excessive bleeding. So while there is an upside to doing this there is also a huge burden to be dealt with, hormone withdrawal.

Hormone withdrawal sucks, I cannot state it any plainer at that. It basically mimics what menopause does in gender born women. I've run the gambit of symptoms from hot flashes to cramping in my legs and back to depression. It has not been a fun two weeks but I can easily justify it to get to e end of this and do so in a safe manner!

While sitting at my in-laws last week I had the first hot flash which my mother in law and her best friend thought funny. She laughed and remarked to me "well, you wanted to be a woman" I guess she could sympathize with what I was going though! Lol needless to say I have probably not been the most pleasant person to be around for the last few weeks.

Over the next days and weeks I am gong to try and document everything I experience. Not only for this blog but I am considering following in my friends footsteps and writing a book on my transition. While there are plenty of books on the subject, every story is unique and it doesn't hurt. Besides I find a lot of humor in my transition as I move forward, I have to or I'd go crazy!

Well this is enough for now but I'll be back. I need to publicly thank 3 of the most incredible women I know.

Karyn

Reposted from my facebook account

2010-10-07T05:33:00.001-05:00

Some thoughts about bullying, and recent events

I've been watching Facebook this week and seeing a lot of awareness posts in relation to the Rutgers student Tyler Clementi who committed suicide. In fact these past few weeks have been flooded with the issue of people being harassed and bullied causing them to take their own lives; while I find it touching, it saddens me to think it has taken so long to get to the point of finally recognizing it

Just a few short years ago a young teenager took his life after being bullied due to his gender ambiguity. Then there are the stories of Teena Brandon, Gwen Araujo or even Matthew Shepherd whose murder was the basis for the current hate crimes law to protect GLBT people. It's not a new problem, just one that has been made apparent recently by the sad death of a prominent student.

On an Internet board I frequent in relation to my work this week a thread started discussing this very incident. Sadly the majorities of the people on this board live in the Bible belt and are hard core bible worshipers. In most incidents these people didn't blame the perpetrators for their actions but they blamed the victim for his lifestyle. In fact a few have even stated that most should be forced back in the closet with one stating that homosexuality should be a crime punishable by death. To say it was disturbing would be putting it mildly. Unfortunately this is the mentality of a lot of people in this country, believing that we are all doomed to live be their own gods religion and rules. Religious freedom to these people only exists in one form, theirs!

As most of you know I'm transgender and chose to transition in late 2005 to save my own life. I can't say it has always been easy, I still deal with my own insecurities about who I am, my appearance, how people see me and so forth. I can say however that I've been incredibly lucky. I've not lost anyone in my life who cared about me and I only know of 2 people who were distant from me have a hard time with it.

In transitioning I learned this statement bears some truth and to this day I continue to use it when I encounter hatred such as the Tyler Clementi story.

"I spent a long time and a lot of therapy learning to finally love myself just so other people can hate me"

This one-line sum up anybody's feelings who have decided to take control of who they are and live their own lives being true to who they are. I actually coined that phrase on the first day of my change at work when everyone finally knew what was going on with me. I had a very positive reaction with the exception of one person and because of that, that statement was born.

It's never an easy thing hiding who you are and it is even worse being afraid because other people have dictated who you should be. I'm not sure just why people who have no emotional vesting in a person feel they have the god given right to have ownership of that person's identity.

When I see stories about trans-people I generally make one big mistake. I always seem to get caught up in reading the comment section and nine times out of ten, I end up disappointed in people. For instance one of the biggest things that's thrown around about people like me is our possible birth genetics.

IE: You're born a man, you should be happy and stay a man.

IE: It doesn't matter what you make yourself looks like your DNA still say's you're a man!

I find these statements funny and degrading all at once. Funny because most people who would make that statement have never had to question or hide who they were. Or what I was like before I worked to fix myself. It is degrading because they take ownership of my identity and expect me to be miserable and usually follow their religious beliefs.

Sadly, to see me most people would never question my appearance. I never get sir'ed even if dressed in gender neutral clothing. But for some that isn't the case. No matter how hard they try they will still not be able to escape the masculine or feminine features they were born with. Still, they have a right to live and be happy but because they are more obvious they are picked on, ridiculed, pointed at, started at, beaten, abused, denied certain rights and so on. The same rings true of a gay man who appears to be more feminine or a tomboyish woman who appears to be more masculine. It doesn't matter what their orientation is, they are labeled and ridiculed. Even as simple as being forced into typical gender stereotypes. It affects all of us!

So to close this long writing out I wanted to say this. It's great to see all the support and caring for such a sensitive subject. Please make this the beginning of positive change and not something that is just the current fad. The people who need support really need it, they need you. They need you to be nonjudgmental, accepting and loving. They need every one of us to stand up and say that the are not only valued but they are equals. Whether it be DOMA, DADT, ENDA or simple everyday life, please keep the ball rolling and make this world more tolerable for all of us!! We may see it as a rainbow but at the end of the day, we all bleed the same color!

~K~

Edit: For those who may not know the acronyms..

DADT= Don't ask, Don't tell (requiring homosexuals to serve in hiding)

DOMA= Defense of Marriage Act (Banning same sex marriage)

ENDA- Employment non discrimination act (Banning the discrimination of GLBT people in Employment)

Until these things change, we are only a free and equal country for some of our people.

Dee and I at Disney recently

2010-09-27T05:31:00.000-05:00

March 22nd, 2011

2010-09-23T09:49:00.001-05:00

All I did was post a date a few weeks ago. I needed time for it to sink in and time for the vacation we were planning. Diane and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on Sept 15th. While it seems like a huge milestone and I know it is, we have actually been together 27 years this year. Still it was something to be happy about and we celebrated with a vacation in Florida at Disney. We have a beautiful hotel, great weather and a park that was a tad slower because school was back in session.

Now that I'm back and have had time to start absorbing that date let me start by saying March 22nd 2011 is the date of my surgery with Dr Brassard in Montreal. It's kind of funny because the people around me are all wondering why I'm not excited about that. So let me start by saying, I am excited about it. I'm also very very nervous, a tad scared and very anxious.

While I knew that the "goal" of this was to be able to be comfortable with my body and live my life in a more normal way, it took me a long time to get to this point. I deliberately took my time to make sure that every decision was the right one. Not only for me but all the closest people to me. In my heart I know it is the right decision and yet that didn't prepare me for the wave of emotions I've been feeling.

When I took those first steps notifying a TG friendly therapist, going into counseling and making the decision to transition from male to female, I hadn't been prepared for the roller coaster wave of emotions that would hit me in those first early months.

Fear, elation, worry and so forth were just the tip of the iceberg. There's a certain amount of emotion that overcomes you in realizing that everything you knew about yourself and needed was finally coming to fruition. Annah Moore told me this was normal to feel this way, she had dealt with the same feelings in her own experience. Eventually those feelings and emotions leveled out to a sense of normalcy and life because a lore more steady for me

2 weeks ago I opened my email to find a note from Dr Brassard's office confirming that they received all my paperwork, that it was in order and that they had a date available asking if I would like it. As soon as I read March 22nd, 2011 I can say that my whole body started shaking and I felt as though I was in shock. I wrote back and told her that YES, I'll take that date after consulting with Dee.

Once things started to settle in the whole wave of emotion that hit me in late 2005 had come rushing back. It was most certainly not something I had prepared for and yet when I told Annah and my friend Cyn about it I was assured that they had dealt with the same thing. In fact I believe Cyn is enjoying reliving her experience through me ..lol.

Anyway that's the BIG news and I am quite happy about it. Now just the anticipation … lol

~K~

2010-09-10T09:41:00.003-05:00

The point of this blog is here

~March 22, 2011~

Really?

2010-09-07T18:06:00.002-05:00

I got read this past Saturday!

Not by a store clerk or a waiter, not by a passerby at the mall, nothing like that at all.

I got read Saturday, by a 3 year old at the family cookout!!

I generally move through life without issue. If it's brought up it is usually because I've brought it up to someone I trust. Heck I've had people I didn't know hang with us and then find out later that I was trans and they had no clue. Couldn't get it past the 3 year old though!

When I first started I was told by my counselor that generally kids figure it out. Adult just kind of don't pay enough attention. This little girl just walked right up to me with a curious look on her face and with conviction asked "Aren't you a boy?"

I must admit I was pretty surprised and a bit dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say because it was so unexpected! If you ever get honestly, it'll surely be from a 3 year old, and boy it doesn't sting any less from the age of the person.

I got F'in read on Saturday!!

~K~

Wow ..cobwebs .. need to clean up in here

2010-09-05T10:27:00.003-05:00

Been a loooong time since i have felt like writing or sharing anything. Like most people in general and especially trassexual people I've had my share of ups and downs over the last year. Funny enough most of those down are do to my own thought process of just overthinking and beating everything to death. Somedays I am my own worst enemy.

Life today is as normal as it can be. Dee and I have had a rough 8-12 months with the ilness of ehr brother in law and ultimately his passing on July 27th of this year He fought a 9 year battle with a brain tumor. As tragic as itwas the one good thing is that it brought her family together in a much tighter way. She finally has a great relationship with her little sister and I'm happy to see that happen. The other thing that came of it was that my nieces were finally told of their uncles changes. They now understand why I wasn't "Uncle Kevin" anymore but now KK to them.

I have to admit out of everyone the kids were the ones that weighed on me the most because I didn't want to do anything to hurt them, I love them way too much and it would tear me apart inside if I had. Thankfully they were very cool with it and in some wierd ways have pushed and embraced it. Not bad for a 9 and 12 year old. I'm so thankful for them and their love everyday.

So after all this time is there any big news? Yup, my official letters and paperwork have been sent to Dr Brassard's office for surgery. I'm not waiting on a date.

The big question thateveybody seems to ask is if I am excited and they are shocked when i say I'm not really. But you really have to know my reasoning and have actually paid attention to the manner I transitioned in to really understand that.

In my letter to Brassard it states that I approached my transition "slow and deliberate." I never jumped in running full bore for the finish line. I worked on aspects of myself slowly and with purpose so i would know that anything I did was not mistake. I can honestly say that internally I have never ever been more at peace with who I am. Externally has been a huge adjustment. playing in bands, running a high profile guitar website and travelling for it help support an extroverted ego to some point. I never worried about fitting in or being able to be friendly and outgoing with people. That all changed with transition and I suddenly hit the opposite side of the coin having to relearn who I am and how I fit in. I can honestly say I'm slowly getting there and life gets easier and easier.

The other part of not being excited is simply because I'm scared to death and very anxious. I've never EVER been good about doctors and surgical procedures. I had some bad experiences as a kid that never quite left my mind. So while I can help other people with blood and guts type stuff, it never sat well when it was me. So it'll be a long wait to get to Montreal .. lol

Well I need to getready for a family cookout. Hope this post finds all my friends well. That is IF anyone actually reads my writings anymore. I've been so lazy I don't blame anyone about forgetting about me ... lol

Cheers people ~K~

As much as things change, they stay the same

2010-04-01T10:54:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I wrote anything regarding my transition let alone anything here to my blog. I don't even know if anyone even stops here anymore to check up. I'm not sure if life has just become complacent or I'm just living normally and I don't have anything of substance to add here. God knows there's been a lot of news on Trans rights, Health etc. For me life is just life, and while that's a good thing for the most part but it certainly doesn't mean I'm done or do not have any more moments.

It's gotten to the point that I'm just Karyn now and that's cool with me. I still however have my moment in public worrying that I'm being read or someone is simply seeing me as a boy. I've often told my wife I don't thin I'm feminine enough for this and she laughs at me. I'm not totally sure why but considering she tends to be tomboyish I can probably guess. I do know that when I'm out and get into a worrying mood that all it takes at times is to see my reflection in a window or mirror. At that point I'll usually wonder how anyone could possibly see a boy anymore. That is except the people who have known me for a long time. Yes people, it still happens.

Upon a recent trip to a local dollar store with my mother and father in law there was an elderly gentleman asking my father in law questions about ipod touch accessories. He called me over and told the man that "this guy right here can help you, he's good at this stuff" I thought to myself that not only will I never get out of Kev's shadow, but I wonder what kind of a disadvantage I am at by being outed in that manner. I did my best to help the man and explain things so he could understand them, I even called my wife over for reference on something. When the gentleman walked away he looked back and said thank you ladies, you've been a bog help!! Have a great day ..

Score one for the girls! YAY!!

It's kind of funny to think that even being "outed" by my father in law that my appearance is so girlish that it didn't matter what he told the man.

As we were walking around the store my father in law made mentioned to Dee's mom that he had me help the man and he referred to me as "he" when he pointed at me. My mother in law spun around quickly and quipped "She's not a HE, she's a SHE"

God love her! She has been so awesome to me and I see her so much differently than I did 20 years ago. She's such a sweetheart.

As much as things change, they stay the same. I'm learning that people will make mistakes and some people refuse to see it at all. Doesn't mean we aren't loved but it definitely continues to sting. For now I guess I'll take what I can get! :o)

~K~

Giving Props to Dear Abby

2009-10-08T06:04:00.001-05:00

Last month was Dee and my 19th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been 19 years already, it just amazes me how fast time flies. We look at it with a lot of pride knowing that not many couples have that kind of longevity and yet in the bigger picture it's not really anything. Why would I discount my wedding anniversary and not really anything?

Well the best way to view it is to simply say that Diane I met in June of 1983, were dating in Nov and steady on my birthday that Dec so legitimately we have 26 years of history together. We are that rare couple that knew each other since Diane's senior year of highschool. I guess on some level you could say that I was her highschool sweetheart. How often do you ever hear of relationships lasting THAT long. Certainly something to be proud of.

On Sept 15th we received the usual anniversary card in the mail from my in-laws sending their well wishes. It was as we were backing into the driveway that I noticed the manner in which the envelope had been address. "Ms Diane Maynard and Ms K Maynard." I flashed the envelope over at Dee and it put a smile on her face.

When we got settled in after our work day that night Diane called her mom to let her know we had received the card and she made it a point to thank her for the manner in which the card had been addressed. This was the first time that I had been address in a female manner on any correspondence with her family, usually it was just K Maynard.

Her mom explained to her that she had been reading a story about wedding invitations and how a transgender family member should be addressed when sending this invitation to which Dear Abby explains that gender identification should be written to the preferred gender of the recipient. My mother in law took that letter to heart and made sure to remember that when sending our card. I can't tell you how nice of a feeling that was ….

Funny how one Dear Abby answer can make a difference in other peoples lives.

Rock on ~Karyn~

Giving thanks

2009-08-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest things in transitioning in middle age is the direction we have to take. We set our goals to right ourselves, our bodies, our minds and our souls so that we can live in peace. A lot of us live with the idea of going stealth so we can just blend into society and not have to deal with the discrimination that the word usually seems to toss our way, lets face it being trans isn't easy.

A few weeks ago America's top model ISIS was on Larry King live to discuss transgender issues and made a statement that made me really think. She exclaimed that she didn't consider herself trans any longer but she was simply a woman. I guess that's the ultimate goal, feeling so natural and corrected that we can just be. God knows that's all I've ever wanted is to have enough peace to just be.

The bigger picture made it appear as though she was distancing herself from trans people altogether and for some that can be a bit of a sore spot. You see, when I got my wake up call after hitting the wall I had an incredible amount of support from my friend Annah Moore.

Annah had already walked the path I am walking and when I asked her why she was so open about who she was and not stealth her answer made so much sense to me. The thing about Annah is that she is so pretty that she could easily go stealth but instead chose to be open about who she was. It intrigued me and I really wanted to know why and that was when I made a promise to her. I was told that all she wanted in return for being my support was for me to pay it forward and then my own dilemma started.

Paying it forward was something she felt should be done in helping those that suffer behind us and in doing so it means not being stealth and being proud of who we are. Let's face it we fight years of shame and guilt and then have to learn no to have those feelings about ourselves. There was never a bigger person disappointed in who someone was as I was in myself. So I looked at Annah and I looked behind me and realized that I needed to be as open as possible. Help when needed if even to help one person not suffer with this. Educate when asked questions so people get the right information and realize that we are just people who are overcoming our own struggles just like any other human being and so the decision to pay it forward VS being stealth hit me.

When I initially started to transition my intention was to go stealth and maybe even move somewhere where no one knew my history. Give up my job, give up my old friends so that I could simply be myself without fear of being ostracized and hurt by the people I loved and cared about. When it came down to it, I realized that I appreciate every person who touched my life over the years so much that I simply couldn't walk away.

When I started transition I couldn't even utter the word transsexual let alone admit that I was one. Heck I not only hid it well, not one of my friends for the last 40 years had even figured it out. To put myself out there meant overriding some of my worst possible fears and being open and honest about not only whom I was, but most of all being proud to be me.

When I joined facebook I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would connect with so many of my old friends, but one by one they have slowly come out of the wood work. From my younger years growing up in Lawrence to the people that I hung around with as a teenager, the people I went to high school with to the people I've worked with. They all started coming out of the woodwork.

Some found me and some I struggled with the fear of outing myself and hoping for at the very least a decent reaction. Every one of those people touched my life and made me who I am today in some sense. If it wasn't for the friendship and love of every individual person that crossed my path, I not only wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be alive today. Every one of those people helped make a tough life bearable in some small way. Simply put they made a difference in me.

If you're reading this because you were sent the link, then this was written for you to simply say thank you. Thank you for accepting me for who I was then and who I am now. If it weren't for every one of your moments with me I would have never been able to be me. I would have never been able to appreciate a life that viewed by many should have been a gift. For me it was a hell.

I admit, I've been luckier than most who have transitioned, I've lost not one person that I'm aware of. I guess that speaks volumes for not only the choices I've made in people, but the fact that every one of those people are quality people, people whom you are lucky to have in your life. People who simply care about their friends and the people around them.

I have a lot of fond memories of those people and I am thankful every day of my life for each one of them …

Thanks all ..

Karyn

Is it really so bad?

2009-07-15T11:52:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while as I haven't really had the inspiration. I've been putting more effort into me, my guitar playing, teaching, my family, my Harley and numerous other things. For the most part, life is good.

Yesterday on WCVB.com in reference to an anti discrimination bill being debated for gender identity some comments by a reader were made within the comment section of the article. While I support free speech and I believe that it is one of the things that makes being American so great, I have to sometime wonder the mentality of people who write such comments. 　

All these freaks should not be allowed the same rights as everyone else. They see fit to change what the Creator gave them....so the rights provided them in the Constitution and granted from the Creator are null and void. And for all you libs out there.....I find it so amusing that when someone disagrees with you, you call them ignorant ...look in the mirror kids.　

Crazy huh? I have no constitutional rights because I violated "gods" laws. I wasn't aware that's how it worked.

Well it got me to thinking about how we live our lives and how it relates to how others live their lives. Why does it really matter? One of the golden rules when we step out in public is how does our actions and decisions affect other people in society on a daily basis? Does it totally infringe on another human beings right to exist? Their safety? Their ability to earn a living?

Take for instance the right to smoke vs the right to be smoke free. At what point does a smokers right infringe on that of another human being. Should another person be forced to inhale the same carcinogen that the smoker is just because it is the smokers right to poison himself? Obviously the answer is no, he doesn't have the right to harm someone else, only himself if he so chooses.

So how does correcting Gender Identity issues infringe on another human beings rights to exist in public? Does it create a safety issue? Of course it doesn't. Does it infringe on their right to earn a living? Again, of course not. Does it affect them in the least? No! In fact, in most instances people would have a clue as to what is in my pants unless I either ran screaming stark naked down a city street or I simply told them.

Everyday I get up, go to work, earn a living, pay my taxes, purchase goods and contribute to society. Does my dollar value suddenly become with less to any business owner based on what is or is not in my pants? No, of course not.

Lastly, where does the so-called law of god stop and man made laws take over. Some people would argue that freedom of religion make certain ":moral" issues a no no. By taking this point of view whether you believe in god or not you are required to live by gods law. So much for having freedom of religion in our great country.

Look around as you walk down any given street. There are people of various genders, colors, nationalities etc. What lessens any one of those people as a human being? Why are we so judgmental of someone we know little about and don't want to take the time learning about? It seems the easiest way to forget about our won problems is to cast judgment on someone else and suddenly the world is righted.

Year ago I worked with a guy who wasn't having a good day unless he was literally making you miserable. I guess it goes to show misery loves company. While at the time the misery he was creating for me probably ruined my day I now look back on it with pity for that person having to be so negative.

Dee and Me

2009-06-12T16:10:00.000-05:00

Revisiting past people

2009-05-26T08:02:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it is funny how things can go full circle in your life without ever having any expectation of it happening. Recently I had something happen that turned out to be a nice surprise. I had been on the fence over sharing this but the other person involved felt that it was part of the story and should be told. My concern was more for her privacy than anything. But here it is.

Back when I was 13 years old my mom and grandmother made the decision that the inner city was no longer a good place to bring up a kid, especially a young teenager. They wanted to get out of living on a street and move from Lawrence, a city of about 70,000 to the next town over Methuen and town of about 30,000. Part of the motivation behind this was the fact my mom didn't want me going to Lawrence High School. There were no worries on my part, I had no intention on attending that school as I was in process of taking entrance exams to our regional vocational school. Back in that day you needed to be of a certain skill set to attend the "Voke' as we so loving call it. Not that we needed to be any more intelligent. In fact to this day we all joke that we are vokies so not much can be expected of us. Anytime we say or do something stupid it's very easy to blame it on being a vokie. People who went to regular high schools often view people at the Voke as people who couldn't make it in college. The reality was that because your weeks were split between academics and shop studies we had to work twice as hard. We still had to meet state requirements with 1/2 the class time to do it in.

We actually moved from Lawrence to Methuen in April of 1978 leaving me with only a month or so to complete the 8th grade at the Oliver in Lawrence so I could go onto high school. This would mean walking from Methuen to the school in downtown Lawrence, a 2-3 mile walk. In those days we actually felt safe enough to let kids of that age go that distance on their own ..LOL. Back then it wasn't without its fears. Walking through areas that I was used too was a little scary but none the less it was only for a short time.

The home my mom purchased in Methuen was a townhouse that was in a complex of 4 buildings, each build holding 4 units. Out of the 16 units only 1 of them had any kids my age, as it would turn out the boy "J" would have a lot of similar interests as me and we would eventually become good friends. Just down the street was an entire neighborhood of duplexes that held a plethora of children of every age imaginable. My days living in the area would turn out yielding some really good friendships.

"J" was a good kid and seemed to be fairly intelligent. We were both into Heavy Metal music and specifically both heavily into the band Kiss. In fact one Halloween J, his little sister Cher and I all went out dressed as members of Kiss for Halloween. Something I had long forgotten until I was reminded of it recently. J's little sister Cher was about 2 years younger than we were so when I first moved in I hadn't paid her much mind other than her being my friends pain in the butt little sister (Not my words, J's words LOL). Over the course of the next several years of hanging out with J and Cher we all got older, grew and tastes would change. Something I had never expected was a sudden attraction between Cher and myself and it was something that just kind of happened.

I spent the better part of a year being enamored by the cute little brunette who would play chicken with me (Inside joke) but then when I was more set in high school things just seemed to change. To this day I've never forgotten my first girlfriend and most of all I still hold some fond memories of her. I also remember a few of the more painful ones and readily admit that in not dealing with my GID there were times I'd done or said things that I'm not proud of. In fact after bumping into her about 10 years ago I even apologized for the way I treated her back then, I've never totally forgotten that. I tended to be a bit of a womanizer in my earlier days in an attempt to prove my manhood and hide my GID.

Recently while searching my old high school on facebook I came across "Cher's" profile. I sat back in my seat wondering if it would be wise to friend request her. Being friends with her and then her being my first girlfriend certainly played against each other to some degree. I had to ask my friend Kristi how she would feel if she suddenly found out that an ex boyfriend was now an ex girlfriend and then I went out on a limb and sent the message hoping for the best. "Cher" recognized me almost right away and answered me which was awesome and over the last week we have had the chance to talk quite a bit of old times as well as current events in our lives. I was very happy to hear she was in a good place and she seems happy. I'm more thrilled that I have another old friend who is very accepting of my changes. I'm not sure how shocking it was to her but she was very gracious about it. I'm not totally sure what it must be like for her having a friendship with someone who is familiar but different at the same time, but to say she has been anything short of open and accepting is an under statement. In fact, it's really nice having another person that I share a past with say, it doesn't matter; I like you for you!

About 10 years ago I had the pleasure of spending some time with "J". Turned out after I moved away he decided to pick up the guitar. I only wish he had decided to do that when he was younger and could have been more involved with some of the band stuff I was doing. It might have steered his life into a better path than the one he had chosen. If anything, he seemed to be doing well and spent a few days jamming with me and trying to learn a few things that I could share with him. Cher said he is doing well, still playing after all this time. I hope that when he hears about his friend that he'll be open to it but if not I can't change how he feels. It would be nice to see him again and maybe play a bit. If anything I'm just happy he's doing well …

Anyway, if you're reading this Cher thank you for not only being accepting, but doing so in a new way that makes me feel like I have a new/old friendship again ..you're awesome!

~K~

Quick update

2009-05-06T09:13:00.001-05:00

Been a while since I've had much to say. Every time I think it is time to get back on the horse and start writing I just don't have it in me. That and I never think I have much to share anymore I guess. At any rate I've cut way back on web stuff lately and really only visit facebook to see what my friends are doing. So let's see what I can dig up that is new.

HB 415 The anti discrimination gender identity bill.

The bill made it all the way to the senate and then got dropped in a 24-0 vote. Sadly this was because of the scare tactics of the conservative right painting all us trans people as perverted pedophiles. Scaring women into thinking that all of a sudden their will be men in their bathrooms. I guess ignorance is bliss but I'll state the obvious anyway. Sorry peeps I'm not a dude, never have been, never will be and ya know what else? We are already in the proper bathrooms! We just blend in like we should. We are there to pee, not have sex .. Sheesh!

Sad that a bill meant to prevent people from being discriminated against was dropped over that

Same Sex marriage

This bill passed the house, got a recommendation to be killed in the senate, Got rewritten in the senate, passed and is headed back to the house for a new vote. It is expected to pass today. The only thing up in the air is whether Gov Lynch signs it. He's already said he defines marriage as one-woman, one-man.

As most people know I have stated that I am a registered republican. The only time I've ever voted differently was back in the Clinton years I went with an independent. I tend to be fiscally conservative and liberally social. Given some of the mud slinging and name that the Trans people have been subject too by the Republican Party in NH, I think I'm almost ready to jump ship. We'll see.

Personal notes.

Dee and I learned at Easter that our 2nd grandchild is on the way. We are both extremely excited about this. GG is growing fast and starting to talk. We are both hooked on her deeply and it kills us not to be able to see her more. As of right now it is looking like GC #2 will be born in the same month of my birth, December

I've been busy making new friends lately and I'm finding that good cross-sections of people are very understanding and accepting. I'm slowly getting to the point of feeling that I don't need to share my status with everyone anymore and that I can just live as Karyn. The nicest part is that I've gained some really nice friendships with women and I'm feeling for the first time that I fit in.. Totally awesome.

One of these people is a singer that I'm starting to teach some guitar too. We may also do some writing and performing together in the future. We'll see where it leads but at this point I'm just happy to be playing more again. It will be even nicer to get back onstage.

I've gone a little wild with my hair and added some blond patches. I actually added them a few months ago but they were very subtle. Now they are VERY blond and it is kind of funky looking. I notice a lot more people looking twice at me now.

I FINALLY got off my butt and replaced my Harley Denim riding jacket. I say finally because it was literally one of the last male pieces of clothing I was clinging too. Sorry, I just loved that jacket because it was a 100th anniversary jacket and my bike is a 100th Ann Harley. I will say that I got a cute jacket with a mandarin collar that I love. It has a nice feminine logo on the back of it and is slightly fitted.

Gawd I wish someone had told me how expensive it would be changing these things over.

Now I need to replace my leather and my vest to something more appropriate.

Not much more has changed with me physically. The chest has made it to a 38B size and it may still be filling out. I do know that when I wear a pushup bra I get some decent cleavage, something I'd never expected due to my age. My skin has continued to remain softened and a bit dryer than it used to be. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I don't seem to sweat nearly as much as I used too.

Emotionally I have leveled out a great deal since a few years ago. I don't have the shifts in emotions that I had early on. Now I'm just feeling more calmed and at peace with life which is one of the greatest gifts I've gotten in this.

Overall things are moving forward and I'm awesome. I'm closing in on the 1st anniversary of my name change, which to me is amazing. It's so hard to believe that much time has passed by.

~K~

HB 415

2009-04-20T07:43:00.001-05:00

This week will prove to be a rather big week politically for the state of NH. Just a few short weeks ago the NH House of Representatives took up several controversial bills regarding things such as the use of medical marijuana, repeal of the death penalty, same sex marriage and of course an anti discrimination bill to add gender identity to the states protections.

The first time HB 415 came to vote was towards the end of a long days session where a great deal of legislators had left for the day. The bill had been defeated by a 15 vote margin. I can tell you it was an emotionally crushing day. Several of the people involved are people I know personally that put their best efforts forward in getting the bill passed only to be defeated.

A few short days later a motion to reconsider the bill was brought back due to the lack of representation during the initial vote. The conservative side of the measure did everything they could to either delay or change the direction of the bill watering down its effect. At the end of the session HB 415 passed by one vote and my faith in the NH political system was again being restored.

Like most other states and municipalities who have past similar measures, the same cut throat lying techniques have been applied here in NH drawing attention from what the bills true intent is making it about whether as a trans person I should have access to a bathroom of all things.

How absurd it must be to assume that by protecting someone in transition that somehow a predator would use the law as a means to legally attack someone in a bathroom. Let's face it people anyone with an IQ above 10 can figure out that if they are going to break the law, they are going to do so no matter what. Instead it is easier to dehumanize people like me and make us so out of touch with reality that the "normal" people need to be protected from us.

It's easy to see in my everyday life that I do not belong in a men's restroom and quite honestly I am extremely uncomfortable by even the thought of having to do so. I have NEVER been comfortable with it. I've seen the argument that children should be exposed to "a man in a dress" in the ladies room and one conservative legislator even had the nerve in an email to a trans constituent to label it the "Corporal Klinger bill". For once I wish people would cast aside insane sensationalism and think logically.

You can be concerned about coming face to face with a man in dress all you want but chances are, you've already passed a trans person in your lives. Can you possibly imagine how confusing it could be to see a trans man in the womans room? People are so naïve that they treat our transitions as though we all stand out like a sore thumb which the reality is quite the opposite.

What would happen to a transsexual woman entering a public mens room dressed well with makeup on? Would she be put in danger? Would children in that restroom somehow be LESS confused by that?

Lets call a spade a spade here and state the obvious. If you are a man, you belong in the mens room. If you are a trans man you belong in the mensroom, if you are a trans woman you belong in the mens room. If you are a lesbian you belong in the mens room. If you are a butch looking female, yup ..yoo too shouldn't be I the womans rooom. How freaken stupid does all this sound? All for a bill designed at preventing people from losing their jobs? It is amazing what sensationalism will not only be applied too but the level of people that are so weak minded to actually THINK it has merit.

This Thursday HB 415 comes up before the NH senate for public hearing. I have already emailed all our senators requesting their support for this bill but again I am worried that even educated people will be swayed by the sensationalism of a few bigots. Human rights should never be put of for public opinion or vote. The right of a majority to suppress a minority is nothing more than tyranny in its most basic form.

These past few weeks I have been active on message boards across the state I've been called some of the most vile things by ignorant people and had to keep a positive attitude in the process. It hasn't been easy by I'm hoping that in the end this bill will prevail.

Here's moving towards Thursday!
~K~

Off to the eye Dr

2009-04-15T09:05:00.001-05:00

I've been poked and prodded to share the following story and experience on my blog by my friend Cynthia. So, this is for her ..

In transition going into RLT "Real life test" one of the requirements is to change all your documentation into a gender appropriate name. This means going to the court and legally obtaining a name in your target gender, filing it with the DMV for a new license, SS for Govt issues, your financial and so forth. As thorough as one can be even after almost a year the old name still creeps up in areas that haven't been changed. In my case this past month it has been my eye Dr.

Every instance where I have had to change my name for an appointment the office had been notified of the change and noted my account. If they needed addition documentation they would usually say that they noted the account and just bring the new insurance card in at the next appointment. For instance when my dentist was notified they simply asked that I being in my new insurance card and that they had changed my account. They even used my new name 3 days before when they called to verify my appointment all without seeing my new card. I cannot stress how nice it is to not only have it go so smooth but have them call you and say .. Hi, Karyn has an appointment on!

Recently after my wife telling me that she wanted to go to contacts and looking into exactly what our insurance covered I decided it was time to go see the eye Dr as it had been about 3 years since my last appointment. I've never needed glasses but I've noticed in the last year or two that small print is becoming a bit tougher for me to focus on.

In other words .. it's time!

Now for the sake of the story I carry 3 separate types of insurance by different companies. Heath, Vision and Dental ..

When the call was made for the appointment it was realized that my name was never changed with the eye Dr's so Dee explained to them there had been a name change. Having done this with various other Dr's and services she has become accustomed to the old "We'll note the account" answer, but today she wouldn't hear that, instead she heard "Sorry we wont do that until you come in and provide your blue cross cards.

WHAT????

We have been going there long enough for the office to realize that we don't use blue cross for eye insurance, we use VSP! Under the terms of my eye insurance they need to verify make sure we have coverage for services provided and they have been doing this for years. This time they wanted my BCBS cards in ADDITION to my vision care cards.

When I asked Dee if she ever provided them before she said no, they never asked or needed them, so why all of a sudden am I being told they need them? They have no right to demand anything other than my ID and vision care of even the court order and I've refused to give them the cards.

The Friday before my appointment there was a call from the office to my home answering machine asking Kevin to please call back immediately upon receipt of this message.

Ok a couple of things to note ..

1) There is no Kevin that lives at my home or at that number. (unless the people asking had not been previously notified)
2) I was well aware when they tried to pre approve my VSP that they would get denied, after all they refused to use the name of the provider instead opting for my old name which has been changed on all insurance.
3) I wasn't calling them back! Enough is enough

I can only feel like this office had been less than accepting of my change. How hard was it to note the account that I would bring in a court order or whatever. So I set out to find a new eye Dr and succeeded in finding a really nice one.

When I got to the nee office I was handed a medical form, which I proceeded to fill out, and at the very top was the box M-F? When I looked at Dee and pointed it out she told me to just put F. Now normally I have no issue doing this but I am always confused in any health situation because you need to disclose medical status and medications, so I simply left it blank.

The Dr came out, asked for me and introduced herself to both Diane and I. She then took me into the exam room and proceeded to go over my medical history. Like most transsexuals I always face the dilemma of "to tell or not tell" but given the fact that I'm on HRT I felt it best to reveal. When she hit the medications listing I explained to her that I was TG and she looked at me with a stunned look on her face, jaw slightly open.

Dr- You mean you're um, you used to be a man and now you're a woman?
Me-Yup, that's exactly what it means with a grin on my face.
Dr- Um, wow I would have never guessed!!

When I explained that it can be tough because not everyone is accepting of it she seemed to be very compassionate to what we have deal with. She had also explained to me she had known one other but that person was a lot more obvious because they still had a lot of male characteristics in the face and proceeded to be wowed that I wasn't as obvious.

Normally because of my work I don't wear makeup, I don't wear anything extremely girlie. It's girl's jeans, girls T-shirt and usually my hair in a ponytail until I'm away from the machinery. So I guess to some degree I look tomboyish.

As she was getting ready to start the exam she put her hand on my arm and asked ":Do you mind if I'm totally honest with you?" I'm a very open and honest person so of course I said yes. She then reveals that when we walked in that she assumed Dee and I were a lesbian couple and that.. At that point I smiled and stopped her to finish her sentence. You thought I was the butch and she was the fem and she giggled and said yeah! .

All in all I found this Dr to be very open warm and accepting, someone I intend to use for my eyes for years to come. It's nice to find people like this in a world that constantly looks down on our plight!

Oh yeah, and now I need reading glasses, dammit I'm getting old!

~K~

Validation

2009-03-24T07:36:00.001-05:00

Lori D had written an interesting good blog regard personal validation recently that made me sit and think a bit. Like most I've certainly had my share of aha moments concerning this very subject and let's face it, being validated makes us feel like we have certainly arrived at our destination. It can set our minds at ease about whether or not we can successfully transition. But what does it really mean in the bigger picture? We are validated internally by our feelings and technically that's all we really need. At the end of the very long day we all simply want to be accepted though and in this we seek our validation.

There are 2 ways we find validation.

1) We work to be stealth and move about our day in our target gender without anyone ever guessing our pasts.
2) We allow people into our world and find acceptance as who we are.

Every time my wife and I got out for a drink, out for a dinner or out to a store and someone identifies me as female in the course of our interactions you can see a look of pleasure appear over my face. I exhale as though finding acceptance is like being relieved of the pressures of not feeling right for so long. Kind of like the pressure cooker was built up beyond it's recommended bursting point. What I've come to realize within the broader scope of things is that I feel much more satisfaction in someone "knowing" my past and truly accepting me as Karyn. To me, this shows the purity in the heart that I've often wondered was missing from the human race.

In countless instances that someone didn't know my story or someone who knew "Kev" but hadn't seen him in a long time find out, have a great reaction to the change and yet still accept me for what is in my heart. That in my opinion is the sincerest form of acceptance. It at times has lent itself to being some of the most humorous and memorable interactions I've had.

Walk down the street at any given time as a transsexual and you feel like the whole world is staring at you, so we really embrace those times we realize that stealth simply gives us the anonymity that we need. But in any given room of people we will always be guarded over our crazy little secret as though it is a juicy tidbit just lying in wait to be used against us.

We feel this way because in these circumstance we have no way to judge what may be in any given individuals heart. Someone who was nice to you 5 minutes before could suddenly look down at you because they have learned something that they don't understand or simply don't agree with. What a shame isn't it? Validation is great in any form but it is those that accept us knowing that all our flaws make us who we are, those are the people that are worth recognizing and to me that is the best form of validation.

Little surprises make the world go round.

2009-02-24T09:23:00.001-05:00

I wasn't sure that I wanted to share this until just now. I've been mulling around being selfish and keeping it to myself or sharing it. The thing is that as selfish as I want to be, this was such a loving gesture that I really need to share it and give thanks.

I went to the mailbox recently and in there was a letter addressed tome from my sister. It was in a card envelope so my first reaction was that it was an invitation to a family event, I certainly wasn't prepared for the contents and it touched me very deeply when I opened it and read it.

Inside the envelope was the following poem~

Sisters
It's good it's bad- it's happy it's sad
It's often misunderstood
It's love, it's war it's so much more-
This thing called sisterhood

Serene Sensational
Incredible Inspirational
Superb Sincere
True Throughout the year!!
Educated Exceptional
Radiant Respectable
Simply Sisters both dear!!

We're cried on we're relied on,
We're sisters until the end.
We hear, we share-we dare to care,
We're family and we're friends

Love Tammy
When I read it I was taken back. When in the middle of transition my sister and I reconnected I had such a hard time with whether I should tell her about her little brother's secret. I've labored because Tammy and I have always been close and it was something I had been afraid to damage. I know it wasn't easy for her to understand when I told her. I was expecting the worst like most trans people do. But I was pleasantly amazed when she told me that it would take sometime for her to get used to it and try to understand it.

As time and questions would flow she would start referring to me as her sister in emails. She never wanted to burden me with her bad days, only if to make sure I was ok in my new life. She's never asked anything of me and always made sure to be there if I needed to talk. I cannot and would not ever ask for a better sister than my sister Tammy. From the time we were young till now she has always been dear in my heart. In fact, she was there for the birth of my daughter.

You can understand how a letter like this can hit you. It's a warm feeling not only being loved but accepted and included such as this. This is one of those gestures that is not only moving but is significant enough to be framed and put on my wall to remind me that I have a beautiful, loving sister who will always be there for me.

Tammy, I thank you for this gift from the bottom of my heart and I love you dearly …
Your Sis Karyn XOXO

Taking a look around, re-evaluation

2009-02-19T07:16:00.001-05:00

I guess you could say I've been on a bit of a sabbatical recently, a self imposed one at that. I kind of felt like it was time for a reevaluation after some minor things got into my head. For some it would simply meaning turning the corner and moving on to the next phases of my life and for others it would be assumed that I'm distancing myself. I can assure that isn't the case.

After some soul searching recently I realized that beyond the economy, layoffs, etc that there was something else gnawing at my soul. I've been wearing the "trans" sign a little too much and not learning to just be Karyn. This became apparent to me several weeks ago after a minor difference in point of view with a friend and some talking with another one to get things into perspective. For trans people, I am simply one of them and should be proud of who I am, no doubt I am but I'm learning that I'm not proud because I'm part of a community like that; I'm proud because I'm a good person and people like me for who I am, not what I'm defined as.

Over the last 3 years there had been a blurring of lines for me Male/Female/Transgender and I was allowing the final part to not only identify me, it was creating havoc with me emotionally. I had lost the feeling of being female for a movement or to break it down, I lost my own unique identity in lieu of being unified under a label.

In doing this, my fear every time I stepped out of the house was that someone would "figure" me out or guess my secret. The reality is that I needed to step out of the house just being Karyn. To some degree I had started to step backward. I've since learned that I need to focus more on the things I have in common with the people in my life and less on the things that label what I'm going through. That's the key, what I'm going through, not who I am. Lately since this has sunk in I am getting back to that sense of peace that I had felt like I was starting to lose again. As a whole, I'll have more conversations about things like music, clothes, guitars, makeup, shoes etc and a lot less about being "trans"

One of the things that have been irking Diane and I is the idea that I need to thank my lucky stars I have her because most women wouldn't stay. To some degree I understand this point of view but honestly, I'm not as lucky as people think. It's sad that people need to put boundaries on things like love. Isn't it possible that not only am I lucky to be loved by Diane but she by me? Don't I bring a lot to the table that makes her want to be with me? At what point did our relationship become so one sided that I needed to be "grateful" that she didn't dump me. Honestly, the more we hear this comment, the more insulted we are becoming by it. For the 2 of us, love is love and it isn't defined by what's between our legs. Sex is great but lets face it, it's a fraction of our lives together and I've not gotten a lobotomy people, smarten up, it is insulting to infer that she is in love with my penis, no wonder lesbians actually "get it" …

Things at work and with friends personally have been going well but I am starting to get frustrated with people not making the change over. There have been a few instances these past few weeks that really stick out.

A friend of mine here keeps calling me "Kev" and "he, him" etc. I am trying to be patient with him because he's just getting up to speed and he says he supports me but here's the kicker. When it comes time to make a joke "He'll put his hand up in the air over something I've said and say ..sheesh, women" . Why is it he can get the pronouns correct in jest?

Out to dinner with friends recently (Who are supportive) my friends wife referred to me as "He" several times. I could see Diane cringe when it happened. Right after she had done this, the waitress came over to take our orders and when she turned to Diane and I she simply asked "And what can I get you ladies"

YES! Vindication! Hopefully she picked up on it!

This week I had a hair appointment for a haircut, root touch up and I finally loosened up a bit to have a little fun. I needed to get some of the old "rock and roll" me back so I had a few blond patches added in my hair. I'm thinking it looks pretty cool and matches a little more of what my personality was like before I started transition.
In the local news recently a few big issues have come up that are noteworthy

Massachusetts has loosened up its policy on driver's licenses and now you can have your gender marker changed to reflect your gender identity provided you have proper documentation that you are being treated for GID. Kind of makes me wish I were living back in Mass now for just that privilege.

Mass and NH are now in process of debating and trying to get Gender Identity protections against discrimination. I was asked to speak at the NH statehouse in regards to this but I couldn't take the time off from work right now. I did however hear that the bill had no opposition in attendance! Woot, maybe we are finally going to be on equal footing!

Other than those life just kind of sails along and I'm just trying to be. The next thing I'm hoping for is the end of winter and the demise of snow .. just sayin ..

Hope you're well

~K~

Hiking today

2009-02-16T10:47:00.000-05:00

Feb 4

2009-02-04T07:03:00.001-05:00

Happy birthday to my darling Dee! I grow to love you more with each
passing day!

Xoxo your Karyn

Sunday Mon Tues home

2009-01-28T22:08:00.000-05:00

Waking up Sunday morning was going to be a mixed bag for me. On one hand I was going to spend time with my little brother who I missed dearly (I hadn't seen him in 4 years) and the flip side was leaving friends I really adore for another extended amount of time. Normally we only see each other once a year unless we work something else in. Luckily I talk to Kristi everyday but sometimes it would be nice to have her and Todd a lot closer because she gives me the kick in the ass I need.

Diane and I got up, ate breakfast, showered and packed. We made our first stop and Brad and Sherie's room to say our goodbyes and drop off the corona's left in our fridge and then off for a few minutes with Todd and Kristi. As we were getting ready to head down to the lobby my brother Rob showed up and reality set in, it was really time to say good bye. It always seem weird to me that we live so far apart and yet we are such a part of each other that when we get the time together it's a blast.

Off to Rob's house we headed and time to not only spend time with my brother but my nieces and my sister in law. I could not ask for better family then this bunch of Maynard's. From the time I saw Rob till the time I went home he had no problem using my new name, introducing me to friends and inlaws as his sister, it was quite toughing and very refreshing. Early on I was very worried about how my brother would take my news, it was very unfounded on my part.

Tuesday was our day to head home, kind of depressing considering we had been with good friends, awesome family and great mid 80's weather. When we landed in Manchester airport the temp was 18 degrees and the car was covered in snow in the airport parking. After getting our luggage, getting to the car, cleaning it off and heading home it was about midnight by the time we pulled down our street. What's worse was that we had 13" of snow while we were gone and nowhere to put our car without cleaning the entrance to the driveway where the plow left a wall of snow. At that point all I could picture was the cops pulling up wanting to know why I was running a snowblower at 12:30 am!!

All in all it was a good trip with some ups and downs, but it also gave me some answers I needed. Those answers make it all good in my book even with a few rough spots …

~K~

Sat Jan 17th NAMM

2009-01-26T21:21:00.002-05:00

Saturday morning started out similar to Friday with a few exceptions. Our friends came down to breakfast with us this morning and we spent quite a bit of time in the dining room just talking. It's not hard to pass time with these friends; we always seem to have a blast together. I only wish we lived closer to each other.

One of the things that realize about me emotionally regarding transition is that I need to take better care of myself. I tend to get worn out much easier and when I tire things seems to be accented in a much grander way. This was probably part of the reason that Brad and Howie's conversation hit me as it did.

Add in waking at 3am on Thursday morning after getting to bed at 1 am. Leaving for the airport at 4am, boarding a plane to N. Carolina and then another to Cali, staying up late with friends and yet still waking up at my normal 6am and well, I'm pretty worn out. Amplify it to 2 days and I'm a basket case so Saturday in the dining room makes a lot more sense to me.

As we were sitting at our table a table not far away had some other people from our group. In that group was the guitarist for a metal band called "Jack Frost" I could feel the same thing I had felt the previous day and looked directly at the table. At the point I caught the conversation Jack was being told about me and he snapped his head over with his mouth wide open in a no f'in way type of look.

Now the first thing that should enter my mind is that the only reason they "know" about me is because they know me from the group, otherwise I would not have been the topic of conversation. When my brain rationalizes thought on little sleep it tends to go to an extreme so when Dee and I got back to our room I had a breakdown and lost it. I cryed hysterically for a while and that was the nature of the post where people got incredibly concerned about me and were trying to get hold of me.

In hindsight I understand where my head was at and I know that being that run down had a huge impact on my emotions that day. My general resistance to bullshit tends to be quite low and I need to pay more attention to that in the future.

After getting dressed (A little more conservatively) we headed out to the show. Kristi gave me shit about my choice in bras again lol. Saturday I was more determined to talk to the people I needed to speak with and had some really good conversations with the crew at Jackson and charvel, drank a lot of bloody mary's and had a lot of fun.

Later in the afternoon we were hanging out when we bumped into some of the members of Gary Hoeys band. Gary is a reasonably well know guitarist who made his original mark remaking such songs as focus and linus and lucy. Gary lives not far from Diane and I and generally every time we bump into him we chat. It had gotten to the point he knew us on site and would always make it a point to talk to us. This particular encounter would be different!

As soon as we realized Gary was nearby we headed over to say hi and see how he was. He saw Dianr and came over to hug her right away and started to chat with her, when he realized I was standing there he gave me a hug but it was at this point I realized things were slightly different. Gary didn't recognize me this time. As I tried to explain that he knew me he simply wasn't figuring it out and then one of his entourage called him because he had to be at an event. When he said his good byes he leaned over to give Diane a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then proceeded to give me a hug …. And a kiss on the cheek!

Ok in one sense one could say that it was the ultimate compliment, he saw me as I needed to be seen. As a female! But not being into guys and actually living as one at one time being kissed by him was a new experience that I wasn't prepared for. Talk about having conflicting feelings. The more I've thought about it the happier I am that even someone who actually knew me simply saw me as a woman, that's the jewel in the whole thing.

Not long after Dave Navarro of the red hot chili peppers and janes addiction came walking by. He was not more than 5 feet from me so I snapped a quick picture.

After I took the picture I heard someone in the group say there's Tommy Thayer. I've never met Tommy and for those who may not know, he is the current Ace in the band Kiss. Kiss was one of my favorite bands growing up and Ace was the reason I picked up electric guitar in 1978. It had bothered me quite a bit that Tommy is wearing Ace Frehleys makeup in the band now.

As Tommy was walking by I said Hi to him in passing and he actually stopped to talk to me. I didn't try to stop him, I didn't really even try to grab his attention, it was just a simple "Hi" I have to admit that as much as I hate the idea of him wearing Ace's makeup now, He was an incredibly nice guy and very down to earth.

After the show closed on Saturday we headed over to the Sheraton for some drinks and to catch the Andy Timmons Band, Paul Gilbert Band and the reformed RacerX. All in all it was a great show and one of those shows that you can only experience by going to NAMM.

After getting out of the show it was late enough that we decided to head back to the hotel. All of us had been in some serious foot and back pain form standing for so long so we had decided to grab a cab back to the hotel and Todd flagged the cab down. I should have been aggravated by what the drive pulled but it was so comical to me I just had to laugh.

After getting in a the cab and starting toward the hotel Todd asked the cabbie why he hadn't flipped the flag on the cab for the meter. Cabby responded that it was a flat rate of $10! $8 for the ride and $2 for the tip. Todd being from Chicago was smart enough to have no part of that and asked where it was posted. "It's not posted sir, it's just a policy"

Todd kept pushing the fact with the driver and even threatened to take his hack number and turn him in for it. The driver finally said fine, no charge sir but even Todd having good moral values just wanted to not get ripped off and wanted to be treated fairly. We gave the driver $8

Up the the room, some stupid raman cup o soup and off to bed we went.

Barring the emotional bullshit it had been a good day and I'm feeling good about things. Looking back on it I'm sure due to being overtired I made a mountain out of a molehill but hey, it happens to all of us from time to time. .

~K~

Friday Sept 16th

2009-01-25T18:15:00.004-05:00

As mentioned in the Thursday post we had 3 women with us that have a very strong presence at times and they will tell you how it is. One of the issues that has plagued me is the fact that I now have a chest and I have a hard time having it show when I am with people who knew me before. In those instances I tend to wear a sports bra that pushes the girls down and sure enough my friend Sherrie called me on it.

Sherrie told me that when someone was intentionally trying to swear something that is smaller and hold them down that is stands out worse giving the opposing effect. In other words Karyn, you're not fooling anyone. It's hard to let the people who knew you one way see you in a totally different way and I tend to be self conscious about that.

Friday morning when Dee and I awoke we got up and headed downstairs for the included breakfast that the hotel serves. After we were finished and started back up to the room we stopped at our friends room briefly and headed back to ours for a shower. Today I had every intention of taking Sherries' advice and wearing my normal bra.

After getting dressed and asking Dee what she thought she pointed out that I had what appeared to be a red splotch on my cheek. That meant it would be a foundation day for sure. Foundation is a funny thing with me, some days my skin look very uneven to me and others it looks fine, today was one of those day that my skin wasn't going to play nice.

After getting ready and meeting up with the others we caught the shuttle over to the convention center and decided to head right up to the Charvel/Jackson booth. The big day had arrived and I had been incredibly nervous because I wasn't sure if anyone knew about what was up with me. Last time I was at the show I was Kevin, not Karyn. One of the issues I had previously been concerned over was how I would now fit into the group in a different manner and this was to be a big part of that concern.

I spent a lot of time building friendships and working relationships with some rather well known people from Musicians all the way up to major guitar builders. For a very long time I had worried that those friendships would suffer and I'd be shunned so when we entered the booth I had the biggest butterflies I'd had in a long time.

As we entered Mike noticed Diane and immediately came over and gave her a hug. Mike is a well know luthier who has worked and built guitars for some of the most famous people in the business. I am lucky enough to have several of his guitars but more so I had been lucky enough to consider Mike a friend.

After hugging Diane and talking to her, Mike turned and went back about his business as a rep for the company and then it hit me. Mike didn't even recognize me. I'd have to say that was probably one of the hardest things for me. I can totally understand why but I spent a lot of time nurturing those relationships and now I was virtually unknown … not cool .

Todd came over and asked me if I was going to talk to the guys and I replied that I probably wouldn't because apparently nobody knew, maybe it just wasn't the place. Todd explained to me that I was going to have to do it sooner or later and sooner would be better. At that point I swallowed my nerves and decided to say Hi to Mike.

I walked over and stood about 5 or 6 feet from Mike, he looked over at me, nodded and looked away. Geez I thought, this is going to be tougher than I thought. When he looked back at me the 2^nd time he had a puzzled "why are you staring at me" look on his face. At that point I finally let the words roll over my lips. "Mike, you're not getting it are you" Mike looked at me again with a puzzled look and then all of a sudden it hit him, "omg I get it" he said. "You're looking a lot different" he stated. He appeared visibly stunned but I'll give him credit, he still seemed cool about it. At least I made some progress but it still kills me that I went from being known to being unknown so easily!

After a while and some walking around, several bloody marys and such we were standing off to the side when I noticed my friend Brad talking to his buddy Howie. Being an Empath and being very good at reading lips can be a bit of a bad thing at times. It became apparent that I was the topic of conversation and it hit me pretty hard. Was I being read? Was he not happy with me being there? All different things enter your head.

I did my best to pay attention after that throughout the day to see if people were ignoring me or whatever, I noticed no other "odd" looks but on a few occasions with friends I knew I was the topic of conversation.

I guess the highlight of Friday besides spending time with my friends was getting to see the Bangles do an acoustic set for daisy rock guitars. Emotionally it had been a terribly overwhelming day for me.

The Bangles

Suzzana Hoffs (Bangles)

At one point during the show we had been all standing around talking and one of the guys in the group who I didn't know looked incredibly familiar to me but I put no mind to it, I just assumed I had seen him with my friend before.

One of the girls suddenly blurted out "Ha, he looks just like that soup nazi dude from Seinfeld" when one of the guys in our group retorted "That's because he IS the soup nazi". It WAS him and the cool thing was that it was from my favorite Seinfeld episode, I just had to get a picture so Dee stood next to him and I snapped it. He seemed like a super nice guy and he was just in our group enjoying the show! Who would have thought .. right under our noses ..LOL

Larry Thomas (AKA The Soup Nazi)

~K~

25 things about me

2009-01-25T15:20:00.002-05:00

A friend tagged me on facebook in a "25 things about me" post that you are supposed to copy and repost. I figured I might as well share it here.

1. I have a lot of close friends but I married my best friend
2. Music is the single most influential force in my life outside of family, without it I'd be dead
3. I view a guitar and a Marshall stack as therapy
4. I have very few true friends. I am very selective about who I trust. If you are my friend you are for a reason and for life
5. My heart melts every time I see my daughter and granddaughter
6. Without change I would be miserable and without change the people around me would be miserable
7. I believe that if you set a goal you have the ability to conquer it with the proper determination, there are no excuses only results
8. I fear failure and rarely do at what I want to conquer (see #7)
9. A good day is to tell the people I care about that I love them, it is a better day when I know I am loved in return
10. As tough as it was being a parent at 19, I wouldn't change what I've gained from it for anything
11. Few people get to view the world from 2 genders, some view it as crazy but I view it as a blessing.
12. When my friends hurt I always feel like I need to be there for them as a shoulder but I have a hard time asking my friends for help when I hurt.
13. I love animals, especially our dogs. I miss my timber wolf more than anything .
14. I love opening my eyes early to see my love sleeping next to me.
15. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day
16. I love to cook and it is one of a few things that puts me at ease and makes me feel good when others enjoy it
17. I'm not as organized as a could be, something that really needs to change
18. I am a die hard Red Sox fan and can never wait for the pitchers and catchers arrive announcement
19. I love riding my Harley and am very proud that my love rides her own with me
20. I am a staunch Republican because I believe in being fiscally conservative. I am socially liberal.
21. While finally having a chest is a very natural thing for me, I wish guys understood just how over rated it really is. They are always sore and they get in the way!
22. I finally realized why I never totally understood guys. I still don't understand them but now at least I know why
23. My favorite drink is tomato juice, I am an addict
24. I love playing with make-up and clothes. I just wish I could get over the feeling that others may think I'm crazy for it. I need to learn "who cares what others think".
25. I still have a bit of a wild streak deep down, I just need to find it again and when I do I will be back.

Cali trip day 1

2009-01-24T10:01:00.005-05:00

It's obviously been a while without any updates or posts here for obvious reasons. I had started writing a new response from the plane Tuesday on the way home but there simply wasn't enough room to remain comfortable enough to type. The one thing I need in any creative way is space to be comfortable or my focus just isn't where it needs to be.

As previously posted Diane and I boarded a plane for California Thursday the 15^th for the NAMM show, to hang with friends and visit with my brother. I could deem the trip a success with just a few minor bumps in the road. All in all, I got to hang with my friends, talk to the managers at Charvel/Jackson about some things, see some cool equipment and shows and spend quality time with family so even with bumps I guess it's all good.

Dee and I left the house at 4am Thursday morning bound for Manchester airport about 20 minutes from our house. I have to admit having an airport so close to home is spoiling me, I'll always avoid Boston's Logan airport if I can now. This translates into about 3-4 hours of lost time by going to Boston.

One of the things that had worried me about the NH drivers license is that we are not allowed to change our gender marker before surgery. In a lot of states the criteria is the name change and hormone replacement therapy, here it is more stringent. What worries me is having to show my ID with the name Karyn and having attention brought to that god awful "M" down in the right corner because it could lead to discrimination. I am happy to say this doesn't seem to be much of an issue and I'm beginning to think that people in a position of authority do not seem to even look at that part of the ID.

This would be the first official trip taken legally as Karyn so I had no idea what to expect at each turn. I dressed conservatively as I usually tend to do so it isn't as though I draw any attention to myself anyway. From the time we checked in with the airline, through security and so forth no one ever questioned my ID or swayed from addressing me in any manner other than female. It was quite refreshing to realize it was a non-issue as far as the TSA went.

After landing in North Carolina we were directed to the gate for our connecting flight only to find out that the gate number had been changed and we were in the wrong area. Because Dee is such a poor flier and has a lot of anxiety over flying, I try to minimize our time on the ground in between connecting flights so at this point I'd been a little concerned with so little time to get to a gate that we didn't know where it had been. It turned out to be just a little bit down the walkway to the next area.

We would later find out about the crash in NY. Ironically at the time of the crash we were on the same carrier, type of plane and destination (N Caroina) I worked at keeping this from Diane because I didn't want her to be afraid to get on the plane to come home.

When we arrived in Los Angeles we proceeded over to the baggage area and waiting for us was my little brother Rob. It was so nice to be met by family and it was even nicer of him to do that knowing we were going directly to our hotel first. Rob hasn't changed since the last time I was able to see him 5 years ago, he was a sight for sore eyes and it was slightly emotional for me. This was the first time since my changes that Rob would be around me. My little brother handled it better than I could have ever imagined and has easily taken to referring to me as his sister now instead of his brother. I could ask for a better little brother.

When we arrived at the hotel we learned that our room wasn't quite ready but a few of our friends had already checked in. I had received a text telling me that the rooms were nice and that they were full suites which was cool. Of the 3 wives that made this trip every one of them have the same take no shit attitude which is something I love about these women. When it comes to who they are, what they think and what they will open their mouths over they can easily run with the guys in the group. This would come into play a lot on this particular trip starting with check in.

As we were checking in a young African American male came down to the desk demanding toilet paper. We would later find out that he was already supposed to be gone from the hotel but they were having issues getting him to check out. In a foul mouthed manner he told the desk clerk he needed toilet paper and then questioned what the "F" they thought he was supposed to use, his hand?

Diane in an attempt to add levity to the situation replied "Maybe they expect you to use leaves" This turned into a verbal confrontation between said patron and Diane with Dee refusing to back down from him. Over and over she kept telling him, "Dude just walk away" apparently she knew she wasn't . LOL It finally took the front desk clerk to threaten having the guy removed by the police. He apologized to us and explained that this guy had been causing a lot of issues and using racial overtones to perpetuate it.

For the record and probably not a bad thing is the fact that I have non detectable levels of testosterone in my system now and that means no more testosterone rages. While I will always defend Diane the old me probably would have had one of those such surges and escalated the situation to a higher level. I would have been in this guys face for sure.

After checking in and meeting up with 2 of the guys Diane wanted to head up for a long needed shower. Todd and Brad decided to head over to the show early and the girls hadn't arrived yet. At that point it sounded like the guys would go over to the show (it closes early the first day) the girls would check in and after the show the guys would come back, we would head to dinner then party at the Hilton as usual.

Diane I and Rob headed up to my room and Dee hopped into the shower. A short time later our friend Kristi showed up. I had been dying to see Kristi again since the trip to see her and Todd in Chicago. As previously mentioned Kristi was the girl on 20/20 in December and from the time of my transition news has been one of my best supporters. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend to have than Kristi. After getting our hugs out of the way, introducing her to my brother she stepped out of the room and then the 2^nd knock came, Brads wife Sherie!

Sherie darted across the room and gave me an awesome hug as well and hugged Diane. It had been 6 months since we had seen Sherie as well. After some chit chat Kristi had come back and presented Diane and I with a belated Christmas present, a beautiful heart pendant that I absolutely love.

With the girls in the room the conversations started flying and my poor brother at times looked as though he was going to die. This was the first time I had been alone with all three girls without the husbands and I have to say that I felt incredibly included, I finally felt like one of the group and I felt very calm and at ease. All my worries about fitting in had been slipping out the window at that point and for the first time with other women, I finally felt like I belonged.

As time passed and gotten much later the guys hadn't returned yet and after some prodding we found out that they left us in the room and were drinking at the Hilton. ½ of me really didn't care, I was having a nice time and didn't want to let that go but we were all getting really hungry.

I'm not totally sure where all of this went astray and without getting deep into details it led to an argument between two of the girls and it led to Diane and I trying to calm things down. Unfortunately for me it was a tough situation because my friend ended up breaking down in tears with the other back in her room. My heart broke for her as we sat trying to console her. I had only wished we could have prevented the fight in the first place but I didn't feel as though my friend was wrong in the argument.

The day had been wrought with some highs and some lows, by this point being awake so long and through so much I had been pretty worn out. We ended the night with pizza delivery and went to bed.

More to come

just sayin

2009-01-17T13:38:00.003-05:00

Sometimes being couragous isn't enough.
Sometmes being true is too painul
Sometimes to mend a heart it has to break
Sometimes in strength we expose weakness
Sometimes in safety we still see fear.
Sometimes walking with others still feels lonely
Sometimes reading others hurts too much.
Sometimes the hill is just too damn steep.

Some would say that being an empath is a gift to embrace and nuture. Having a gift as such opens your feelings up and makes your nerves raw. Sometimes I would just prefer not to be able to feel the negativety that oozes from the pores of some pathetic person who cannot possibly understand me or how my mind works.

It isn't a gift to walk through a room with thousands of people and be able to focus in on the negative energy directed your way from that one or two people. It's much easier to be numb and not know than it is to have a gift and let it hurt you. Being this way somedays is akin to being able to find that needle in a haystack and finding it in record time.

Today I am riddled with emotional weakness. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I miss my home, I miss my family, my feeling of security .. Somedays, I'm just too ashamed for allowing myself to feel anything less than being happy and being me...

Sometimes, I'm just sayin and hoping that someone will actually listen and hear me. Today I cannot be someone elses rock, I need someone to be mine!

Welcome to NH

2009-01-11T15:05:00.001-05:00

Just an update

2009-01-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since there was a true update around here, I guess I just kind of went into a little cocoon for a while and enjoyed just being. As was pointed out to me it's time to be a little creative again and come up with something to read. (Like I'm an interesting person or something)

I look back on 2008 fondly. I set out to walk a path and yet every step I tried to forge in the sand found me putting my foot exactly where a sister before me had been. I felt as though I'd never leave my mark in the sand but the most amazing thing happened when I looked back at the tracks …

I realized that there were footprints beside mine! All of us currently that is walking this path, together. There's no need for me to leave a mark when it's done so much better by all of us. I've suddenly become more at peace with the process I guess because I realize I have friends to make that mark with me ..

Jan 08 was one of those non-committal type of months. Ok I'll go fulltime in Jan, ok maybe not. It had gotten to the point that it didn't feel like 08 was going to be my year, I just wasn't emotionally ready to make the leap. Then Feb, March, April

It hit me sometime around late April in something Annah Moore had said to me over the holidays. I asked her how I set a fulltime date and hold myself accountable to it. It seemed like I could set the date but just continued to get cold feet in the process. Annah's Answer was awesome.

Apply for your name change!

OMG that was perfect! If I got a court date it was either do it or I probably never wood and I proceeded to do just that. Karyn became official in July 08 and went fulltime in November. I've been incredibly blessed with supportive family and friends. Some of which I see everyday and some I've never had the pleasure to meet face to face (Em) and I'm dying too. Without those people forging footsteps in the sand, holding my hands, I would have never found the courage to make the leap. I will never forget the emotional content that 2008 has given me.

2009 looks like it will be a quiet year for me. I say that now but it never seems to happen. The direction that I see is nothing more than just enjoying the year as myself with no major goals in mind. I'll take things as they come!

Dee and I had a crazy day last weekend that involved me dialing 911 for the police. We had stopped off to get some prescriptions at our local CVS and then walked over to the grocery store when I noticed yelling in the parking lot. A group of teens standing outside of a pickup yelling in at the driver telling him to "get the fuck outta the truck so I can kill you" stuff. Gawd I've come to hate the testosterone driven male teen mentality.

It turned into a big fight and I dialed 911. Everything was cool until the dispatcher said, ok sire may I have your name .. um, eh, yeah …

When the cops came down an interviewed Dee and I the cop said "Ok ladies" I need to take your statement." Hmm I guess that makes up for it .. (note to self 2009 goal~ work on my damn voice~) We received a phone call later that evening stating there had been 2 arrests made, thank you for getting involved and oh yeah you may be called to testify in court!! Oh yay …

I just did what I thought was right and regardless I'd do it again!

Next week is the annual music industry show in Anaheim California. I've forged some incredible friendships going to this show to the point it has turned into friends getting together to party for 4 days. Dee and I hope a plane for L.A this coming Thursday for the show and friends. While everyone knows this is the first official time that "Karyn" goes as when I last saw the others they knew the name but it wasn't legalized.

This trip has been weighing heavy on my mind as of late. I'm soo looking forward to seeing my friends, new equipment, partying with rockstars and such but there is one thins that is nagging me. Where I fit in now.

It was always easy for me before in one sense and hard in another. I learned to forge a persona to fit in with the guys, it's what we do to survive. All my friendships were driven by male freidns and I understood how I fit into the group as a whole. I understood that I had to act a certain way to "fit" in as a stereotypical male. This time I'm going back but I'm going back as me, as Karyn and I haven't quite figured out how Karyn "fits" into the group anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends, they are some f the best people you would ever want to know so it isn't that. But for me personally or mostly emotionally I have changed. I need different things out of my relationships emotionally than I did before and that is something that scares me. It makes me feel like I'm 13 again trying to see where I fit into life.

I know it'll all work out and I know my friends don't give a hoot what I'm wearing or what I look like, they love me for me. At times though it gets hard personally feeling like you are obligated to be a certain way or fit in a certain way …. We'll see how it goes ..

After NAMM I'll be going down to spend a few days with my brother. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He has a brand new daughter that I've never seen and I miss him dearly. He hasn't seen me since the news broke so well again see how that goes .. .

Now I need to decide what I'm taking with me for the trip!

Hope you're all well ..

~K~

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

2008-12-25T06:35:00.002-05:00

Tattoo day!

2008-12-21T16:02:00.003-05:00

Well as previously mentioned, we had met with a tattoo artist 2 weeks ago, gave her some basics and a deposit to come up with a design. Yesterday at noon was the appointment to have it done and I was looking forward to seeing what she had come up with. I didn’t know how feminine it would actually look and giving someone an open book can be a scary thing.
From the time I met Kat I got a good vibe from her. She seemed like a free spirited girl, good at her work and incredibly cute in a Betty Page type of way.

http://www.wanted-ink.com/

When we had gone on for the initial appointment she asked me some questions, had me look at styles of roses and did her best to get a read on me.

We awoke to a pretty good sized snowfall overnight Friday night so we had plenty of clearing to do before we could head up there. At one point I was getting nervous because I didn’t think we would make it on time and even texted her to let her know, no big deal she was running late because of the snow herself.

When we got there she had just arrived and had been getting her workspace in order. Then we sat down to look at the tattoo design. She explained that she hadn’t fully completed the design because she was having an issue getting the closed rose to look good and she was pretty much right, it screwed the whole flow of the piece. We both agreed the best idea was to go with 2 open roses and she set out at adding the newer idea to the paper. Both Dee and I loved the piece but I still felt there was something missing and asked if she thought it would look good with some eights notes and musical symbols floating around the piece, she thought it was a great idea and just what it needed and she proceeded to add those.

Before we had gone any further we happened into some idle chit chat and the topic of me being trans came up (I told her before I came in that I was) Kat seemed to be intrigued by it and had a lot of questions for me. She had only ever seen it on TV but never met anyone on the process. She told me that if I hadn’t have told her that she would never have known. I love hearing that but not because I have anything to hide, it just makes me feel more at ease. After all this we lost about 2 hours of time and at about ten minutes of two started setting up to do the piece.

I had given Dee the option of picking where the art should go and after seeing it she chose my lower back, she felt it flowed better there. It was nice making this a personal thing with her and it ended up being my birthday present which is even nicer. All in all it took about 2 ½ hours for her to do the entire piece and this would pose to be a problem, we were supposed to be at my inlaws for dinner at 5:30 and it was 4:40 pm when it was finished. We still needed to head home and then down to Massachusetts, about an hour or so worth of driving in heavy snow.

When we arrived at my inlaws house it turned out to be a surprise birthday get together for me . When we walked in several of my friends were there and Diane’s family. Dee even went so far as to have pizza and meat pies from a place that I used to love when I was a kid “Tripolis pizza” in Lawrence Ma. (What a nice touch)

All in all a busy but memorable day, I definitely felt loved yesterday. The icing was the tattoo that I’d wanted for the last 20 years was finally here.

If anyone is in the Manchester NH area and wants a tattoo, go see Kat at Spider-bite, she is awesome!!

Karyn

20/20 tonight

2008-12-19T07:45:00.001-05:00

I wanted to take a quick moment and get this quick blog up. I do have other things to talk about but that will be another time.

Tonight on 20/20 will be a story about a serial rapist in Bloomington Ill who when caught turned out to be a police officer. This particular story has some meaning with me because one of the victims is actually a close friend of mine. Kristi became a victim of this scumbag in April of 2003 and earlier this year I posted about the trial and her involvement.

The girls in tonight's segment all went public and came forward unselfishly so they could show other victims that they shouldn't be afraid to do the same. The whole point is to educate the public and in some form help people who may be suffering through the same thing.

Kristi has been a huge source of support and inspiration to me in my own journey, hopefully others will find the same…

Here's a spoiler video for tonight.

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=6483401

20/20 airs tonight at 10pm

Karyn

ice storm

2008-12-13T08:51:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in a panera on public wifi so this will be short. We had a massive ice storm and have not had power since early yesterday morning. No power=no heat! They are saying that we may not see power restored until next Wed.

We went through the same thing in 1998 albeit not as bad as this one. Todays focus will probably be getting the woodstove up and running and seeing if I can get my old generator working. Last night the temps hit 17 degrees but the house has only dropped from 60 degrees Friday morning to 49 degrees this am. Guess the house is insulated better than I thought! We decided to load up on blankets and stay at the house because we have no where to bring the dogs and we don't feel right about just leaving them there, so we'll bear it with them for now ..

Anyway for now I'm out .. hope everyone else is fairing well ..

Jessica's update

2008-12-11T22:55:00.000-05:00

My daughter prodded me a bit reminding me that I hadn't written any updates to "walking in new shoes". I don't know if she is trying to keep me current. Keeping me creative or she's just bored and needs some new writing to read. I guess this is for her … LOL

I'm sure if you were to dig deep enough you could always find things to write about but I've not had the inspiration to write or anything to really share of substance without going over things I've already written about. At the moment life is awesome, I'm looking forward to the holidays and I'm totally enjoying my family. Most of all I'm enjoying having the weight of my life's big secret from my shoulders.

Over the last few weeks it would seem that things have quieted down. It's a little strange to have EVERYONE or almost everyone calling me Karyn now. I absolutely love finally being recognized in one sense but it is very much a new world for me. So far there hasn't been any negativity that I'm aware of.

I'm finding that it is a great feeling of acceptance to be acknowledged as Karyn but then it is a whole deeper level when those people (mainly women) treat me as female in our conversations. It's not anything that I've ever anticipated but it is certainly something that makes me feel alive.

This past Saturday I met with a tattoo artist and gave her the components to draw up a custom tattoo for me. For years I had always wanted to get one but I had an issue with what I'd be expected to get as a male and quite honestly, I didn't want something that didn't fit who I was. For years all my friends would get tattooed, even Dee has 4 of her own and yet everyone would always ask when I was getting mine; now I am!

There are 4 components to the tattoo that have some significant meaning to me.

A treble clef: Represents me and my love of music

A heart: Represents Dee and the fact that she is the love of my life

An open rose: signifies my daughter Jess and is open to show that she has blossomed into a beautiful woman.

A closed rose: signifies my granddaughter Gianna and is closed to so show the beauty of her newness and youth.

We sat and looked at different styles of roses and I picked a style. I have given the artist creative control to have some fun with the tattoo and get something that not only has meaning but is mine, no one else has it. I'm guessing that the flow of it will be relatively simple and I can't wait to see her design. The placement hasn't fully been determined but I do know it will be somewhere on my back. Hopefully when it is done I will get pictures up here.

Lastly I have a funny little story. About 2 years ago on a shopping trip to a local mall, early in my transition I had been in a weird place. People were starting to see me as female and address me with feminine pronouns when they would acknowledge us. We happened to be browsing as a Xmas ornament store in the mall when from across the store my daughter yelled "Dad check this out!" Being self conscious I retreated from the store and I know that my daughter got hurt because she had felt that she hurt me. Funny how far I've really come when I think about it.

Tonight while in a local mall my daughter dragged us into a new Bare Escentuals store. For those of you who don't know what that might be, it is a high end mineral makeup store that I use and I love. Standing in the store looking at makeup brushes my daughter turned and said "Dad, isn't this like one of the brushes you use?" It struck me funny and I replied, those 2 things don't work well in sentence when out in public. The nice part was that I didn't freak out, I didn't retreat, I just kind of got a laugh from it because it sounded sooo funny to me. In fact one of the funniest things my daughter says is; "I love my dad, isn't she beautiful." For some reason "Dad" "She" and "Beautiful" seem like they are foreign substances in the sentence together.. LOL

An old friend recently called someone who currently knows me to find out if the info they heard about me was in fact true. I guess he was pretty shocked to hear it was but the best part was when he told my friend that he felt bad. Apparently over the years he had a habit of calling me bitch and now he thinks back and adds what he knows about me know and it is bothering him. It's not a big deal to me, I understood where he was coming from at the time and well, sometimes I was back then!

I guess that is the update for now, it's all about getting the shopping done and being in the moment for the holidays. I can honestly say I've never felt happier…

Karyn

I'm baacckk!

2008-12-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

What a great week off I had. I have to say that this past week had not only been good for the relaxation but good for the soul as well. I had some incredible interactions that resulted in some really funny moments. Let me first start off by saying that the most reassuring feeling I find is to walk into a Victoria Secret with Diane and hear good afternoon ladies. For some reason that more than any other place seems to give me the most accepted internalized "It's finally here" feelings.

Last Friday I received a phone call on my answering machine from my insurance agent. It would seem there was an issue with the corporate site and my email being outdated so I signed onto the site to update the email. It dawned on me during the process that I never updated my name and as luck would have it, that was one of the things that could edit right on the site and in doing so I left a comment as to why it was being edited.

I've dealt with this insurance agent for close to 20 years and in fact the girl I've dealt with is the same age as me with an incredible smile and personality. She was always the type of girl I would have been attracted too when I was single (Oh so freaken long ago).

While in the car my cell phone rang and it was my insurance agent. When I picked up the phone I knew full well what this was about. "Hey I had to confirm this weird email we got from corporate" she stated. So I asked her "If it were true would you be shocked?" " Of course I would" she replied, " When I read it I thought, no way he was always so cute that I would have dated him!"

Without missing a beat I shot back "Well that's why I had to do this, you never made a move"

Now obviously I was teasing as I am deeply in love with my wife but hey, I figured it was good for a laugh and of course her replay was "Hey you were married and so was I" Obviously this was good for a laugh.

The funny moments never cease to amaze me and I do have quite a bit of fun with them. This past weekend on Facebook I found some very old friends that Diane and I had not seen in years. We had originally met these friends through a mutual acquaintance (IE: My best friend) When I saw them I thought I would have some fun and I shot an message off to the first girl.

Now if you're on facebook you know that there is a picture in your profile and the picture I have currently is the one with my new bangs. Funny enough, before transition I was always so paranoid of posting pictures of myself because I assumed people would "Figure me out" or know who I was. In this case the message went something like.

Do you know me? Clue: Zeppelin

Many years ago on a cruise with these friends the islanders in St Lucia had been calling me "Zeppelin" because of my long hair. It was only fitting that this person should know me by that name. But in her reply it was simply, .Sorry, no I don't know you. In my 2^nd set of clues I obviously went a little deeper and her reaction was wait a minute Kevin does kind of sound like Karyn. When she realized it was me she was blown away and that I looked "fabulous" (Which sounded like a good thing) She then told me that I should mess with another friend because this was too juicy to not spill the beans.

So again "Do you know me?? Clue Zeppelin and Blondie

"Her response was even better. "Sure I know you, I'd recognize you by your picture, you look just like your dad, how is Kevin and Diane"

Yup she though it was my daughter!! I certainly hope that means I look good ..LOL

Over the last few days they have been incredibly sweet to me and I've even noticed when talking about me in wall to wall conversations the pronouns are spot on. In seeing that there is no greater gift than that type of acceptance and seeing those pronouns have just been so warm to me.

I can't help but embrace the humor in this. I never want to take myself too seriously in my transition and I hope that others who know me find some comfort in that. I hope that as much as they need to adjust to a new visual change, the humor keeps the spirit of the person they knew…

~K~

Happy Thanksgiving all!

2008-11-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

New Pic

2008-11-25T23:02:00.005-05:00

New Haircut today, still undecided..

E.O.W #2

2008-11-21T08:59:00.001-05:00

The end of week 2 is coming to a close and it certainly went easier than week 1. I'm sitting here counting hours until I'm off for a 1-week vacation or staycation as my friend Todd so puts it. Guy #1 has ceased his bitching and moaning so I can only assume that he has been talked too. He has even come into the shop ½ a dozen times this week, which was something he refused to do previously. I can honestly say otherwise things just seem normal which really makes me happy!

I had my weekly electrolysis session last night and I have to say that Rita is awesome! I'm sure it helps having a past familiarity with her and mainly her sister so we always have things to talk about. Funny enough, she is the type of person that I could be friends with. She is upbeat, positive, compassionate and interesting. As far as the actual work she has done I'm seeing a lot of results faster than I expected which is awesome. I am looking forward to the day that I can be done with this and just get out of bed not worrying about hair anymore. Thanks god what is left is gray and hard to see.

Having next week off should be a blessing, it will be a week to decompress and when we get back it will be December (The holiday season!) Normally in days past the Latter part of Nov and all of Dec were rough months for me over the years. It was a great source of depression and misery for me. I'm thankful to be able to say that I'm looking forward to the holidays and my birthday this year. I guess having a huge burden lifted from your shoulders can work wonders.

I'm not sure if I'll be blogging or what I'll be doing with my week off yet. I do know that on Tuesday I have a hair appointment and then obviously turkey day on Thursday. Tonight Diane and I are meeting Cynthia for dinner so it should be a nice way to kick off the holiday week. We always have interesting conversations and she is a good source of inspiration having already walked the steps that I am currently walking. It's always nice having someone to share stories or bounce things off of.

I guess for now that is all the news I have. If I don't talk to anyone for the next week may you all have an awesome thanksgiving.

Karyn

Sometimes balance tips the scale

2008-11-18T13:20:00.004-05:00

Well yesterday was the first test of whether guy#1 was going to be professional or a freaking dweeb,. Turns out he took the dweeb route. Yeah I know, I should have known better but hey I had high hopes. I always hope that the good in people will outweigh the bad.

Yesterday as we were working away I heard the door to the shop open, a few moments of silence and then a bang of the door closing. Sure enough he snuck in, tossed work on the table and then snuck back out. Now this is all well and good, but the first thing that's wrong with this picture is that we have a rule in here. If you need a job done you are required to talk to us to see if we have either the time or capacity to do it.

This rings true for every job that comes in here but even more true for jobs from other departments. Our company is set up in such a way that even though we are one company, we work as separate divisions even under the same roof at times. We do not work for his division so technically we don't HAVE to take his work. Basically it comes down to us doing a favor for him and his needs. Pretty sad that he needs a favor but cannot be respectful to come in here for it. He's an arrogant Fu … well you get the idea.

Yesterday when my shift was up I left the back door of the building and guy#1 was outside taking one of his many "I need a butt" breaks. Dee said she noticed that the minute he spied me walking out he turned in the other direction. I've been told he refuses to even acknowledge me and I guess he assumes by turning his back to me he's letting me know that what I'm doing is unacceptable and I'm being punished.

WHATEVAH!

This am when I came in my coworker Rich informed me that the minute I left he came in to discuss the job. So now it comes down to him being unprofessional and impeding workflow because he has a personal issue with me. Funny enough Rich wants me to do the job and ask plenty of questions so he HAS to deal with me! I'm not out to look for trouble so I wont go out of my way but if I do the job, he most certainly will have to address me.

I have to admit this turn affected my mood this am. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it happens.

Funny enough lately I had been repeating an old phrase that an ex coworker and friend from the shop used to recite when people would make comments. "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make money". On a basic level this premise couldn't be more true because guy#1 doesn't pay my mortgage, support my family or hang with me. But this morning something would tip the scales and lift my mood.

Being in a closed in room here and having our email notification sound like a ding going off can be a bit of a pain. "DING!" Rich and I look at each other with that old "mine or yours look"! So quite a while ago I traded the ding for a "You've got mail, yay!" wav which was exactly brought me to the email I got.

My old coworker and friend had gotten word of my transition and took time to let me know he supports me and that it wont make him see me any differently, we were still friends. I sat for a minute and just tried to absorb what I had just read. I guess what got me what that this was someone who hadn't seen me in a while, he could have kept the info and just not done anything but yet, he went out of his way to send some encouraging words.

Now I know if you take a negative and offset it with a positive you can pretty much call the day a wash and move on. But in this case I really felt like that email had more impact on me than any negative guy#1 is putting out. It not only changed the direction of my day it really elevated my mood. It reminds me that not all people are bad people and there are a good cross section of people who are good people, caring people, people worth the respect and the time you have to give.

**UPDATE** As I was writing this guy #1 actually came in the shop while I was here! Wonder if HR layed it out for him!

The bottom line is that it doesn't take much to make someone feel valued. That letter made me feel exactly that. So Kev, if you are reading this … Thanks

~K~

My take on prop 8

2008-11-17T12:21:00.001-05:00

Lately the big news seems to be not only that Prop 8 passed but that there are rallies all over the country calling for a repeal to the law. People are justifiably upset over the passage of a law that grants a class of people privilege. Over the course of the last few months on occasion I make it known what my political views are and like most of the rational people I believed that Prop 8 should be defeated.

My interpretation of how the constitution protects us tell is that a minorities civil right cannot and should not be allowed to be suppressed by a majority. Furthermore with freedom of religion as a fundamental right that we all share and one religion should not be allowed to weigh its moral beliefs on any group of people, especially not followers of that particular faith.

Yesterday morning while during my usual Sunday morning coupon cutting frenzy, George Stephanopoulos came on with an interview of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger discussing the changes in the Democratic sway in politics and what this meant to Republicans. I have to admit I became rather intrigued with the Governor as he outlined some of his points of view on Taxes and such. When it came to the issue of Prop 8 I was again very impressed.

By nature I am what you might consider a liberal thinking republican, something you do not find very often. With every answer that the governor put forth I realized that there are some conservative people who are very forward thinking still around. The nice thing was that the governor had the almost identical view on Prop 8 and what should happen. In fact his point of view embraces the very idea that civil rights should not be put to vote in such a manner.

He mentioned how legalizing interracial marriage had been put to vote and it failed only to have the Supreme Court later over turn it based on the idea that you cannot remove rights from people based on a majority. The Governor fully expects prop 8 to not only go back before the Supreme Court of California but it will indeed get overturned as being an unconstitutional amendment. This was and has been my belief in how our rights should be applied.

SCHWARZENEGGER: But I made it very clear. I personally am -- for me, marriage is between a man and a woman. But I don't want to ever force my will on anyone.

I think that the Supreme Court was right by saying that it's unconstitutional. And that everyone should have the right, just like we had the battle in 1948 and the Supreme Court decision came down, that, you know, it was unconstitutional for blacks and whites not to be able to get married with each other, and they overturned that. And since then, that has been taken care of.

And now the Supreme Court says that it's also unconstitutional to not let gay people get married, the same-sex marriage. So to me, that is the important decision here, and everything else is not that important. So people can pass initiatives, like Proposition 187 passed under Wilson that said we should not give, you know, Latinos and those that are illegally here any educational services or any kind of medical services. The Supreme Court said, well, the people maybe had some intentions there, but it's unconstitutional.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So you think the courts should overturn Proposition 8?

SCHWARZENEGGER: The court has overturned it. And now they went back. And the people have voted for it again, against the gay marriage. So the Supreme Court, you know, I think ought to go and look at that again. And we'll go back to the same decision, basically.

STEPHANOPOULOS: And you believe they will.

SCHWARZENEGGER: I think that they will. And I think that the important thing now is to resolve this issue in that way.

Don't give up hope, I have a feeling in my heart that California will in fact do the right thing.

Here is the transcript

http://abcnews.go.com/ThisWeek/story?id=6264947&page=1

Karyn

EOW update

2008-11-14T13:50:00.002-05:00

Well I'm in the last ½ hour of m shift for this week so that means I actually made it. It was a very emotional week for me and I'm looking forward to a few days of R&R. I have 1 more week of work and then we are shut down for the week of the holiday so I'll have a little more then.

I likened the end of this week to my friend Cynthia to the movie "It's a wonderful life".

In the movie there is a part where Jimmy Stewarts character is trying to calm a run on the building and loan. He takes to using his own money to keep the place open and with about a minute to spare he is left holding $2 in his hand. I remember him saying something to the effect of if they make it to closing that they stay in business.

Today was my building and loan run. I felt as though if I could make it to the end of my shift today that the worst part of my tenure here was over. Ok not so much worst as much nerve-wracking but you get the picture. All in all I think it has been a successful week. It's good to know I'm getting support. I got this email from one of the engineers this am that was really cool.

Hi Karyn:

I got your message on Monday and meant to swing by this week to offer you support and encouragement

Didn't happen so I'm writing you briefly now.

I wish you the best of success in your complicated transition over the next couple of years. Hope to catch up with you soon to see how you are doing.

Best regards,

*****

Can't get any better than that. That seems to be the consensus of the people that know me and I've yet to hear about anyone else who is negative… Good times!

Weekend is here!

Karyn

Day #4

2008-11-13T08:03:00.001-05:00

Things seem to be falling into a quiet routine around here. One of the nice things for me is that my shift hours have me as one of the first people in the building. That helps keep me from feeling like I'm walking into a lion's den by being stared at. So far the people who I have daily interactions with, nothing has changed in how they treat me. I obviously don't know what they say when I'm not around but that doesn't really matter to me.

What has helped to some degree is that for me the changes are minor as I've previously stated. It isn't like I'm suddenly wearing skirts to work and trying to sit with the women. It isn't much of a stretch to go from Boy jeans and Tees to girls other than the jeans now fit me a hell of a lot better. In the job that I'm in I wear shop shirts anyway. For a lot of these people the shocker tends to be in the name change and pronoun area and they will definitely find it hard to see changes because for the most part they are already there

In another twist that I hadn't mentioned in my blog yesterday about guy #1 and HR was that the person that "sold" me out was the person that had my back and went to HR. I'm a bit blown away by it and I appreciate the fact that he cares enough to do that.

So far my experience has been that most people either just want you to be happy or they just don't feel the need to acknowledge it either way. That is to say that they may not agree with it but they just keep it to themselves. Another thing I've found is that you find acceptance in the places that you would have never expected or even looked for it. I've had some of the most macho of guys' wish me well. One even served in the originally ground assault of Desert Storm.

A friend a long time ago when I worked in the main machine shop used to keep the saying. "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make money" While we all want to be liked, we really need to remember that this is the point of our employment, especially in issues such as this. If someone here doesn't like me because I'm being true to myself then it needs to be remembered that they don't pay my bills. We aren't spending thanksgiving together and we certainly aren't going out for drinks after work. Those things are reserved for my friends and family, not people who have zero effect on my life.

The bottom line here is simply. I know other people who would love to transition and feel whole but are afraid to do so for fear of being ostracized. While it is a scary thing to do and not everyone will agree. The weight lifted off your shoulders and the support you do get is so much sweeter. Don't be afraid to be you!

Karyn

First issue arises!

2008-11-12T10:40:00.002-05:00

So far most of this week has gone smoothly accept the one guy I mentioned and one other I just found out about. The difference in the 2 is night and day though. As I've said the engineer has been very vocal to people ripping me behind my back at every chance. Apparently it is really bothering him. I've now heard such things as

I'm a loose cannon (somehow I'm now insane in his eyes)

I'm immoral

It's unethical

It's wrong

I shouldn't be allowed to do it

He refuses to accept it

He refuses to acknowledge it

He refuses to work with me.

This last one he has no choice, he has to work with me because our jobs intertwine and I refuse to be cast aside in my role here. I've been here far longer than he has and it's not about how he feels about me, it's about getting a job done for the common goal of the company.

I knew he was homophobic and I knew he would probably have an issue. I just didn't realize that I would be his bitch session to 90% of the people in this building.

In his travels one of the group leaders who is also a friend of mine is now elevating this information to Human Resources. He feels this need to be taken care of now so that this individual doesn't start turning other people against me here. On another level it's just plain wrong to allow it to continue.

Guy #2 said

I don't understand it

I don't want to understand it

But I wish him and his family well.

Now that's something I can respect. I can easily respect someone who may not agree with it but acknowledges my right to exist. Such a stark contrast in human beings isn't it?

So, when does someone's right to feel comfortable become more important than my rights to feel comfortable with myself and not hate myself anymore. It's amazing to think I've spent 3 years of my life learning to not hate myself just so somebody else CAN hate me.

We can accept a host of anomalies in the human body and yet when it comes to sexuality it is not only taboo, it's wrong in some people's eyes. People like this would deny our right to exist simply to make thir self feel comfortable. It's something that I will never understand.

Now before anyone thinks it's all doom and gloom on my part, it isn't and I'm fine. In fact if this was 3-4 years ago I would have probably gone after the guy in a rage. Today because of the changes I can easily ignore it and let it roll and hope that H.R puts him in his place.

~K~

My Door plate

2008-11-12T07:00:00.002-05:00

New name plate for the door to my room at work!

Day 1 down the rest of my life to go :o)

2008-11-10T21:26:00.007-05:00

Evening everyone!! I'm sure you are all awaiting the word so here it is..

I got in at 6am and as planned I'm not going for shock value, the shock was more in people finding out than anything. A simple pair of jeans and girls short sleeved t-shirt was all I needed. Funny enough being a musician all my life each ear is pierced twice. I used to keep 4 hoops in them at all times. With this change I rarely wear them anymore. Kind of an ironic twist.

The email went out shortly after I got in, it took me about 15 minutes to get through the company listing just to add everyone I wanted too. Being there so long it was quite a long list of people.

When my coworker next to me read the email (He's known for 2 years) he was a little apprehensive about me using the word "transsexual". I guess he felt it might be a little strong for some. I explained that part of the direction of the email and the humor was the intention of it being shocking and that my attitude would actually temper the email. My read on it was right, the email paid dividends with several of the male employees telling me that it made all the difference in the world.

All in all I got a lot of words of encouragement. About 8am my HR rep stopped in on her way to the other building to make sure I was alright and see if I needed anything. She told me she would be turning in my name change for IT and the badges for our doors.

At one point one of the facilities guys dropped in. He is one of 2 guys that I used to talk bikes with and he has an incredible Harley. He came into our room and bent down to check the fire extinguishers on his monthly report and as he did this he said hey guys whats and stopped dead which caused me to burst out in laughter. My laughter caused him to start laughing and it broke the ice.

His coworker dropped in. This was one of the more macho guys in the company that I was very concerned over. He pledged his support of me and said that the email helped him put it in perspective. Apparently HR had said that there would be a zero tolerance policy regarding things being said and this made him feel that I was suddenly unapproachable. No more Redsox/Yankees talk he figured. But the email made him realize that at least with me it was quite the opposite and while he understand I'm changing, he gets to change with me and not overnight. Yes, it takes time to not only get used to changes but have them become second nature in your everyday thoughts and language.

For the most part I had a positive day and the only negativity that I heard about came from an engineer that I've never cared for. We just never seemed to have the ability to get along, we just seemed to tolerate each other. I was told his words were "It isn't right and he shouldn't be allowed to do this" Whatever ...

As my day closed out and I walked towards Diane sitting in my car in the lot I had a smile on my face. When I got in the car I noticed a dozen roses and a dark chocolate bar for me to congratulate me on my biggest step to date. Now it's the 2nd time I've gotten roses from Dee and this one means so much more to me.

I know the next few days will be hard for me but I also know that every new day lessens the shock, makes it go away and I won't be the flavor of the day anymore.

I rarely say this about myself because I don't like sounding like I'm high on my own list but for once, I'm proud of myself for sticking to my plan and not letting fear run me ... thanks for all the encouragement .. here's to a new life!

Karyn

On the eve

2008-11-09T22:48:00.007-05:00

Here we are on the eve of my final day. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was scared or at the very least nervous. I guess to some degree that's the exhilaration of being alive, isn't it?

This past week was a very tough one on not only me, but all the people I work with. The rumors had been flying and sure enough, the ax fell on Thursday with massive layoffs. As it was happening you just sit at your desk wondering if this one will be your turn. I know that I have a reasonably secure job but these are unprecedented times. Will my longevity save me? Or maybe my transition? Or maybe that will be a good reason to push me out. The thoughts are nothing less than major stress intertwined with November 10th bouncing though my thoughts. Needless to say, and thankfully; I'm still employed!

Friday an old friend that I hung around with at work stopped by the shop at lunch. I've known him for the entire 19 years I've been there and I had been very worried that he would have a hard time with this, to date I haven't told him. As he was standing there he blurted out "got something to tell me?" I think I was a bit blown away. He mentioned that he thought he should stop by before Monday and it was a lock, he knew what was up.

Turned out that a mutual friend blabbed and he's known for at least 3 months. That means that some others more than likely know. To say I'm feeling hurt and betrayed my my other friend is an understatement. Mostly I'd been feeling foolish that people that knew were looking me right in the eye pretending to not know a thing. It's a tough feeling to know that the information I've been protecting and trying to figure out how to tell was already out there. Sad isn't it?

So, when did it become ok to sell your friends out? When did someone who was supposed to protect me and be there feel it was more important to gossip instead. Most of all why did he feel ownership of my life belonged to him? I walked out of work pretty depressed and devastated on Friday afternoon.

Friday night into Sat morning I got little sleep and had a lot on my mind. In fact I've had very little sleep in the last 48 hours. Saturday morning at 9am as I sat on my couch playing guitar there was a knock at my front door. Diane answered it and walked in with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. A very dear sweet friend sent us flowers to congratulate us and wish us happiness starting a new part of our lives on Monday. I broke down in tears and wept like I haven't in ages. It was so sweet of her and her husband to remember us like that and Dee and I adore them for it.

Aren't they awesome? I cannot even begin to explain what these meant to me in this blog. In the future this will surely be a story that is talked about. For now, the moment belongs to me.

Tonight sitting here Dee decided to snap a picture of me. It's pretty raw, no makeup and me looking pretty tired. Still it is important because it is the eve of the start of a more normal life for me and something I wanted to be able to look back on. I soo hate this picture because of how I look but I do understand that I want it documented...

Ew, I look gross in this... but hey, whatya want for 10 oclock at night!

Hope you're all well ... onward and upward peeps

Karyn

My work email announcement

2008-11-08T11:30:00.002-05:00

On Friday I intended to send an email to the people who know me that didn't know about the change so they would understand what was happening on Monday. Due to circumstances that I will explain later I was unable to send that email. Below is the text of the email that will be sent on Monday morning regarding my first day fulltime as Karyn.

Work being the final holdout in my life officially marks the end of the old and the beginning of the new. I tried to interject leavity in my email to make people understand that it isn't a crazy thing and they need not fear the unknown. I hope that some behing me will appreciate it for what it is and I hope everyone enjoys the humerous twist ...

Good morning,

It's not everyday that you get in on a Monday morning, grab your coffee, settle into your chair and flip the pc on, open your email and suddenly have your day start with "Oh by the way, I'm transsexual and I have gender identity disorder"

(I'll give you a moment to wipe the coffee from your monitor and keyboard)

All set?

Ok, now that you've cleaned your computer off and called over your coworker to ask them to reread that paragraph to you because you weren't quite sure you read it right the first time; you did. As shocking as that info might be for you, the reality is that for me I've had to relive that with each new person that I've told and it never seems to feel any less personal to me. With that stated let me explain.

When people hear news such as this is becomes quite a shock for several reasons. Generally it is assumed that this is just coming out of left field because the person affected has never exhibited signs of it in the past. The reality is that they did exhibit signs and probably have for their whole life, they have just done their best to hide it from the world because let's face it, it is sensitive personal information that in a lot of circumstance is used against the person dealing with it.

So, why me? Why now?

Well it isn't exactly now, this is an issue that has plagued me since I was a very young child and I did the best that I could to simply avoid dealing with it. Unfortunately for the people around me that sometimes meant me cracking under the stress and being hot under the collar and a little unapproachable. In fact if I've ever snapped at you off the cuff for something that seemed trivial, then it was probably due to the stress of trying not to deal and for that I truly apologize. Fighting this consistently kept me so stressed that it didn't take very much for me to go off on a tirade at times. I feel pretty badly about being this way with people over the years.

In 2005 after a life trying not to deal with this issue the pressures and life changing events made it almost impossible for me and I needed to seek help. This is exactly what brings me to this letter today.

Why you, why now?

The reason you are on this list is because I've had a positive past working relationship with you and quite honestly I have a lot of respect for you. In fact because of that respect, I wanted this news to be heard from me and not from the rumor mill. However, it is quite possible that the rumor mill got to you before this letter and if so then I'm sorry for not doing this sooner. I would have preferred that you heard it from me directly because you deserved at least that much respect.

About 6 months ago under the direction of my physicians and the set standards of treatment for this disorder I changed my name legally and changed it here at work with personnel. In an effort to protect my privacy and allow me to be able to emotionally handle people hearing this news, *** did not make it public, they waited for word from me to start making the more visible changes. Those changes start going into effect as of today, Monday Nov 10^th.

I know this will be a hard thing for some people to grasp and it may seem a bit strange to suddenly have to rethink their psychological view of a person they have known a while, please understand that while this could be hard for you that this only happens to you once, I relive this with each new person that learns of the news. The good news for me is that my work environment is literally the last holdout of people who know. With that said please let me make a couple of key points.

Please note the humorous way I attempted to open this email to you. The reasoning is simple. All too often people treat situations like this as though it is a death sentence or as though the person affected suddenly becomes very unapproachable. In all honestly from a personal standpoint dealing with this issue has actually made me more approachable as I've started removing the single biggest piece of stress in my personal life. Just picture having a secret that is so fragile about your psyche that you know could do you damage and be forced to hide and suppress it for fear that you will be ostracized by your peers and family. To date, I have been incredibly blessed that this has been as positive a change as it has to the point that the people closest to me see a 180 degree positive change in me.

In making this change one of not only my biggest assets that have helped me in this is my sense of humor. I not only value this in my own life but in the people around me and in that, my friends and I have had some incredibly funny moments about this subject and myself. Please do not feel like you need to walk on eggshells around me it is simply not the case and it would bother me to have people feel that they did have too.

People have questions. People by nature are very curious and without asking questions they never get any sense of what this is all about. Education is a powerful tool and asking question opens the door to learning and understanding. I am very open and receptive to questions and I do my best to answer as openly and honestly as possible. I cannot always answer every question but I try to do my best with an open mind.

For me this change has been from the inside out for the last 3 years and for you it is in fact the polar opposite. It takes time to get used to changes and people make mistakes. I will never fault a person for making a mistake; it just isn't fair to assume that people just make a fundamental change over night. It takes time and I understand this so please don't feel like you are being insensitive by making a mistake. I will not get offended by it.

I understand that this challenges some peoples views and that some will simply view this as a choice. I assure you that for me, it is not a choice and it has been pointed out that there is in fact a biological basis to this. Please understand that I am doing something to give myself quality of life so I can be around in a happy and healthy manner for my family and for myself. I have respect for you and I hope that you will continue to have respect for me as well.

In closing as I have stated please feel free to ask questions if you need. I hope that we can all move forward in a positive way to not only keep a happy work environment here but a successful one for the company as a whole. I apologize for the long winded email but I did want people to get a decent sense of things.

Thank you,

~K~

Remembrance, Head games, and voting

2008-11-04T09:38:00.001-05:00

Funny the things that hit you out of the blue. I was working away thinking about all that had to be done tonight, picking Diane's mom up from the airport, Voting, making dinner etc when the date hit me. It's Nov 4^th. November 4^th 1984 was the day that my grandmother passed away and I find that I miss her no less today than I did minutes after I lost her. The one real difference now is that with the change in hormone, I find it much harder to hold back my feelings on the matter. Yes I have even welled up with a tear several times. They say that time heals all wounds but sometimes it just dulls the pain a little.

My grandmother had a big role in my upbringing as we lived with her, she watched me most of the time, cooked for me and in a lot of cases made sure I never went without the essentials. It was tough on my mom being a single parent then but I can honestly say that my grandmother more than made up for the loss of the 2^nd parent. If I needed it, she made sure I had it.

Alma was a little bit of a woman with a ferocious Canadian temper when needed. My mom and her brothers used to joke about my grandmother 8 rings that she would put on to smack you with. It used to irritate her so deeply when they would do that to her.

In the evening hours of November 8^th after stopping by my band rehearsal space our old bass player Pete made note that he had seen my mom speeding up the road. When I inquired the direction I knew exactly where she was headed as my grandmother had been in the hospital after a heart attack. My grandmother had done severe damage to her heart. Being as stubborn as she had been she had been in pain for 3 days before ever telling my mom that something wasn't right. By that point the damage had been done in a major way.

After getting the news from Pete Diane and I got in my car and flew to the hospital in the next town over. I did make it in time to be with her when she passed and have that closure. I know she went peacefully with the people who loved her. For me I have never forgotten the feeling that I had at that moment and it is still with me to this day.

So, R.I.P Nana, you are missed.

I've had a family member inadvertently playing mind games with me over the past week. I know they don't understand that they are doing it to me but it doesn't make it sting any less.

Not long ago my sister mentioned that my nephew had been mad at me claiming that I mistreated him in my home. He had told her he slept at my house and attempted to make breakfast for us the next morning. He told her that he said he enjoyed it so much we would have to do it a lot more and claims that my response was "What for"

Let me start by saying that this nephew is a great guy. I also need to mention that he has in fact slept at my home. At no time has he ever cooked me breakfast so I'm a bit perplexed by the accusation. But in the name of fairness I explained to my sister that and told her that it's never been my intent to make him feel unwelcome in my house.

Recently his wife messaged me saying he accepted my apology for what I'd done to him and that they would love to see me. I've never actually apologized for what I've done because I hadn't done anything. The reality was that I only said if he ever felt unwelcome that I was sorry for that. I was happy that he wanted to see me. The next message went to now he's having problems but they wanted to set some time for the whole family then the final message was that he's having a hard time with this and he's not sure if he wants to see me.

I don't begrudge anyone his or her feelings and I'm the last person to ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. The seesaw of want to not want to is doing damage to me. I've already stated I don't want anymore drama in my life. To go from not wanting too, to wanting too, to maybe to unsure just plays an emotional game with me and it's not fair to me. I'm at the point of pulling back again to preserve my own well being.

I'm now inside of the 1 week countdown at work and it has not been easy on me. I'm not thinking this is a mistake in any way but I am getting the nervous cold feet. I'm only hoping that I can keep it under control enough to follow through. This is the single scariest step I've ever taken in my life, but then I'm sure I felt that way about changing my name as well.

Sunday Dee and I picked our friend Cynthia up and headed up to Tilton NH to an outlet Mall. I was looking for some cheaper jeans that I can wear to work and not worry about ruining them. We had a really nice time. I tried a bunch of boots on that I like as I need some and Diane was partial to one pair. The thing that constantly worries me is the heel. I'm so worried that it will make me stand out too much. On top of that in the boots we tried on I had to drop 1 shoe size down to fit. I don't know if my feet have shrunk or it's just the boot. The 1 set of boots that fit Dee loved but to me it would have screamed drag queen, something I am probably too aware or worried of.

When we got home that night the mood had struck me and I started cleaning the closet. Diane wondered what the hell was going on as she saw dress shirts flying down the stairs one by one. The mood hit and it just made me think it's time to start purging and donating some more of my stuff. Hopefully I'm not going to need it anytime in the future. In the purge I did find out that I amassed a lot more pairs of jeans than I had realized. I found out that I have a dozen pair, something Kev would have never done. It's to the point that Dee wants to change closet sides with me because she feels I'm going to end up with more clothes than her, (she could be right)

Yesterday I received a phone call from my old friend Mike's wife. If you recall I mentioned Mike passing away in one of my blogs last year. She has been asking me to teach his oldest son guitar. So in an effort to be above ground I told her what was going on with me and she seemed ok with things. She did say that when she saw me at the wake last year she knew something was up because of the change in my appearance. When I came up to pay my respects she hadn't recognized me and I figured that the changes had her guessing. We'll have to see what goes on from here.

Lastly and most importantly don't forget to get out and vote today. It's the single most important American right you have. I could care less who anyone votes for just so long as they vote. I'm very much looking forward to life going back to normal and we can erase battle lines and just go back to being Americans for a change and not Dems or Repubs …

Hope you're all well.

Happy Halloween people

2008-10-31T07:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween all.

Growing up Halloween was always a cool holiday for me. I lived in the city and at the time it was pretty safe to go door to door trick or treating. In the span of a few blocks a kid could really clean up and have a years supply of treats, ok maybe not a years the way kids eats sweets.

One Halloween when I was about ten my best friend and I got the idea to dress up as girls and go trick or treating. My mom actually helped do my makeup and loaned me one of her wigs for the task. Like most people who have G.I.D that have that one Halloween, I've never ever forgotten it.

Sitting on the couch about a week ago I was thumbing through the local flyers in the paper and I came across a page of costumes. I showed it to Dee asking her what she wanted to be with a playful smile on my face. She naturally pointed to a sexy witch costume on the page.

When she asked me what I wanted to be, very straight faced I said how about Darth Vader. That was met with a bit of a scowl and a disapproving nod.. Ok I replied how about a cowboy? Her answer? You cant do that you're a girl silly. I looked at her with a bitter look and told her that it wasn't fair, the boys had the coolest costumes! She didn't know whether to take me seriously and hit, or just laugh or me.

FWIW yes it was in jest, just my crazy twisted humor coming back again to haunt her.

The weekend is almost here and another work week subtracted in the countdown to Nov 10^th. I got a call from H.R. Tuesday afternoon asking me to stop in. When I did she asked how I was doing and if I was still planning on the 10^th as a date. I told her that I'd probably never be ready but it has to happen. My stomach had been in knots over it.

She mentioned that she was going to be on vacation next week and needed to brief the managers that this was happening before she left so Tuesday word was leaked to managers. I've been on the edge of my seat since over it and not really heard much, so yesterday I dropped her an email asking if she followed though.

Hi ****,

Happy Thursday!

I was just wondering if you followed through with the managers on Tuesday like you had planned?

Thanks

Hi there,

Yes, I did speak with all of the managers in Methuen on Tuesday. All were attentive to the issue and assure me that their eyes and ears will be open and will take swift action should they need to. I also told **** *****, for obvious reasons. Deep down, the managers there are a good group of people and are supportive of you.

I plan to stop by the morning of 11/10 to see how you're holding up.

I guess I couldn't ask for better H.R people, they have all been great. In my 19 years with this company I have held a very good working relationship mixed with some personal friendship with some of these people. I did tell her in the meeting that I couldn't wish for a better group of people to have my back through this.

Not long ago or what seems not long ago when I first started the piece of advice I was given was that it was best to to a between job transition and start fresh where people didn't know. I can certainly see value in that but given the fact that I never seem to do anything the easy way I decided to stay put.

I've earned a lot of respect at my job, gotten a lot of time under my belt, which has boosted my benefits package greatly, maneuvered myself into good job with a great group of people, it was just too hard to give this up without trying. Hopefully I walk away only slightly licking my wounds but I am trying to prepare for the worst and I hope to be surprised.

Please be healthy happy and safe on this fun holiday!

Karyn

Genes, Jeans and sexual objectification

2008-10-27T21:14:00.004-05:00

Well we had a nice quiet weekend but I am a bit stressed today. I guess you could say it isn’t a bad stressed if there is such a thing. On Friday I finally got a reply from my H.R rep at work acknowledging Nov 10th as my full time change over date at work. In the response she mentioned that because she would be on vacation that week that the managers would be notified this week. So, the cat will be out of the bag sometime this week.

Having EVERYONE at work knowing was the ultimate goal in moving forward, but having so many people know all at once is incredibly stressful. Also in the email she mentioned what the anticipated dress code should be. Basically telling me I needed to keep within the parameters of my job(duh). Because of the type of work I do I am a bit perplexed by what changes I will really make. A different pair of jeans maybe? The girls will be up and forward instead of tied down? Otherwise, nothing really changes except the name on the door and corporate email!

Friday night another minor thing had arisen for me. It’s not a new issue but it is definitely an issue I’m trying to learn to deal with. In fact I talked to Annah about this today and she had similar feelings about the subject when she went full time. Getting checked out by boys.

Dee and I met our friend Cynthia for dinner and drinks at the Olive Garden. I’d been jonesin for some good Italian food. After dinner when we were leaving as I approached the doors to leave I noticed to men talking to each other and both stopped to stare at me. As I got outside by the parking lot I notice d that they were still looking in my direction through the doors and talking.
My brain splits into 2 different schools of thought at this point.

1) They are reading me and they are not too happy to see a transsexual in their favorite restaurant.
2) They actually thought I was cute and they were checking me out.

Most people want me to believe it is the latter but my brain trying to keep me safe jumps back and forth. The real issue though is like Annah stated, they were probably checking me out and well, living in the male world I have a good idea of what they may have been thinking. It’s a weird feeling to be looking at guys as though they are pigs now but being in that position I see no other possibility.

Being looked at by a guy in a sexual way is a bit unnerving and foreign, especially being that I do not like them in that way. This is going to be one big hump to get over and get used too. At least my brain was willing to reason finally that it might actually be that they think I’m hot. This was positive movement for me.

Recently doing some searches on the internet I came across a website and a myspace page for the old bass player from the ban I used to be in. Dee and I always liked Dave, he was a cool guy and produced one of the Boston radio shows called “The big Mattress”. Dave had no idea of what changes I’d been through so I myspaced him through Diane’s account and sent an old picture with the caption, “hey know who this is” . Dave was cool about things and asked a bunch of questions as well as making some cool jokes. One issue that arose was when he asked if Vin our old guitarist knew and I told him no. Dave decided to send just my picture to Vin and see if he could figure out who it was. What a way to shock a guy. Vin’s response was one of the best yet.

So I sent him your pic. His first reply was that he had no idea who you were and asked if it was someone who he slept with or wanted to sleep with back in the day. I replied with a hint that we used to play together and he still couldn't figure it out. So I told him that it was you and this is his reply:"NO FUCKING WAY!!!!! I NEED PROOF NO FUCKING WAY!!!!! NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!!!!"

LOL So hurry up and get a vagina so we can really freak him out LOL

I love it, how do you not laugh at that. The really crazy thing is that posting pictures of myself on the web in the beginning was hard. I figured for sure people would know who I was. It’s funny to think that one of the guys who spent countless hours learning songs and jamming with me had no idea when he saw his old counterpart. I guess it makes it more apparent that there really are drastic changes.

Lastly I wanted to touch on the big news that is running rampant throughout most of the trans blog world today(Thanks Kathy) . Apparently scientists in Australia have isolated a gene that could have some responsibility for being transsexual. It seems this particular gene tends to be longer in M2F transsexuals and it is responsible for the body being able to process testosterone. Scientist think that people who have this defective androgen gene may not be able to utilize testosterone to its full extent. In this defect the brain in gestation remains female.
Some think this is just the tip of the iceberg and others think it isn’t much to be excited for. The reality of what the implications could mean is that if it can be proven that transsexuality has a biological basis then insurance would have to cover it, it’s not a choice as once thought.
If you want to read more

http://www.samesame.com.au/news/local/3161/Transgender-People-Validated-By-Aussie-Research.htm

http://www.smh.com.au/news/lifeandstyle/health/genetic-basis-for-transsexualism/2008/10/26/1224955922850.html

Other than that there’s not a ton new, it was a reasonably quiet weekend. I think the only other thing is that I bought a couple of new pairs of jeans.. oh yay! Exciting huh. LOL

Hope you’re well peeps
Karyn

Just because

2008-10-22T09:15:00.005-05:00

I look around at where I am, where I started, but most of all those who loves me. I see my family, my friends old and new and I cannot feel like anything but an incredibly lucky girl or some would simply call it blessed. Whatever it is it is a good thing, it's a feeling that I was never able to fully embrace before these last few years. I cared about the people around me, I certainly loved them but I never felt as connected as I do now. It's so funny how internally that has changed.

I look at my wife wondering how she ever put up with such a roller coaster ride over such a long period of time. I'm amazed at the fact that her love is boundless and her acceptance unwavering. She does nothing but try and find the good in people and when she can't she simply feels bad for them. Every time I look at her and ask her how she can support what I need to do all she ever does is glances at me with her pretty blue eyes and tells me "You cannot help who you fall in love with". For her it's simple, cut and dry and there is nothing beyond that.

Years ago she had a picture of me on her desk at work, in it a long haired husband, a rocker at heart, a hidden girl but most of all the love of her life. A coworker asked her how she could possibly tolerate a husband with long hair and told her that if it was her she would make her husband cut it! Diane simply told her, it's only hair and I like it. She knew that we had the type of marriage that one would never force the other to do anything they didn't want to do. I guess some of the answer lies in that.

I look at my daughter and how far our relationship has come. She was always the apple of my eye, even if she didn't realize it back then. I had a hard time relating to her back then but wanted the best for her. Today she is a mother herself, worrying about her own child's well being. She's so good at it too, and she loves her daughter as much I love her. The nicest part is that we've finally been able to make more connections and get closer. We talk more than ever before, something I not only cherish but hope I never lose. It's such a funny thing when I see her leave a message in a comment section or discuss me by email or even on the web. It's mind boggling to read things like "I love my dad, she's so awesome!" Seems like such a twist of words in one way but in the other it's music to my ears.

Several years ago I had been talking to Annah Moore about a band audition she was waiting to hear about. She was moving back to her musical roots and trying to join a popular metal band in Austin. She was so excited and hopeful that she was over the top when she finally got word that the gig was hers. The twist came in a conversation with her son on the phone. "Dad got the gig mom, she's so excited!" He blurted in the background. Annah just had to laugh and so did I, it was such a foreign thing for me to hear. Now a few years later I hear it again but instead of Annah, I'm the she being referred too! My how times change and my how they have been a positive change.

My old friends have bent over backwards to make me feel normal, accept me and treat my transition as just an everyday event. It's rarely discussed anymore outside of an occasional joke which is totally cool by me, I know I'm loved when we are joking about it because when it stoops it means they are no longer accepting me for who I am.

My new friends have been just as awesome, I would have never thought I would be making new friends as Karyn but it seems to be happening. Cynthia has been a godsend for me, her humor, her caring nature just makes my day. Mostly her humor! It's nice having someone locally who walked where I am walking now who I can ask questions of, share experiences with or just simply laugh at life.

Lately negative people weigh on me greatly, to the point of me finding that I need to distance myself from the poison. For the first time in my life I crave positive interaction and need to totally shun the negative crap that some people can spew. I drags me down, sucks my emotions from me and just leaves me drained. I love waking up and feeling positive about my day, about my life and just anything that comes my way. I fond myself worrying less and less about life these days, something that I used to constantly do.

Not long ago Dee and I were on one of our walks talking about our lives and where they were going. When I was young I would tell her that I would never see the age of thirty. A lot of young people make those comments as a passing statement, but I meant those words back then. Suffering had done that to me. When I hit thirty it became a yearly struggle 31,32,33 making year after year wondering when I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. On this particular day as we walked our 4 miles I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to the next 40 years. Even I was shocked to hear and feel the words pierce my lips and funny enough, they were authentic feelings. I smile even now thinking about it.

It's funny how society cannot totally justify transition and they write it off as a choice, heck I've even read some people's comments of how it should be illegal. Looking from back to forward I can honestly say the changes prove to me and my family that there is no choice here; it is what is right, it is what is needed. Every scary step and threshold turns out to be more worth it, more than even the last step. Every step creates a new sense of being, a new sense of self that I've never experienced.

For the first time in my life I can truly say that I'm beginning to love myself.

~K~

R.I.P Nina and my own political rant

2008-10-20T06:47:00.001-05:00

Well as vaguely mentioned in the last post from my phone it was a pretty somber day yesterday. Diane's grandmother in England passed away Sunday morning. It wasn't a total shock, she had been declining for the past few years and had been put in a home.

I feel bad for my wife because she can't go over to say goodbye, her passport expired and she hasn't renewed it. Her mom heads back home tomorrow for 2 weeks. It sounds like this could be her final trip back to her homeland now.

The picture I sent via my cell phone yesterday was me just knocking around the house in the morning. It shows what I look like without any bells and whistles now after 2 ½ years of HRT. I look at it and see the changes, hopefully others do as well. If anything I think I look a bit drawn and tired, not surprising.

Lastly I wanted to discuss this stupid election, the views of my family, friends and peers. I am registered and tend to vote very conservatively (Republican). I vote conservatively because I do not believe in the fiscal agenda that the Democratic Party invokes. My views tend to be conservative on fiscal policies and a mix of conservative/liberal social views. In fact I actually fall under the category of "Blue Dog Democrat"

I believe in the right to bear arms,

I believe that the Govt shouldn't be dictating things like health care. (social medicine)

I believe spreading the wealth teaches people not to try hard.

I believe that if you are gay you have the right to marry your spouse. It's your civil right)

I believe that bills like ENDA should be signed into law to protect a class from discrimination

I believe that abortion is a woman's own right to make her own choices.

I believe immigrants have the right to come here to prosper (The legal way!)

I have a lot of mixed views and I embrace my views as my free rights as an American. Being the first in the nation primary politics are wearing on me in a very deep way now. What's bothering my now more than the fact that I'm sick of this election is that my liberal friends and peers talk about me like I'm stupid and cannot make up my own mind. I'm "Blind" or "I'm a sheep" or event hat I'm uneducated because I don't agree with Barack Obama and his socialist views.

I'm highly offended and hurt that my friends and peers think that lowly of me because of my "right to have my views" yet If I followed my friends then I truly would be a sheep, not the other way around.

I am of the belief that you will never find a politician that meets all of your needs, The responsible thing to do is to vote for a politician that stands for your most important views and the ones that you concede are the ones that you have to fight for.

I believe that progressive taxation is not only a bad thing, I think it is anti American. I think it is because it does nothing to give incentives for businesses to grow. Instead of raising taxes on the people making $250k and above, I'd rather see tax incentives for homegrown jobs. For every job brought back into the states there should be a break.

Being trans goes against the grain of being republican because the conservative parry doesn't support the gay community. I totally understand that and yet I vote repub, why?

I believe the fiscal responsibilities are more important to the country as a whole and that it is more pressing than something such as gay marriage. My peers may feel differently and that's not only fine, that's what American principals are and I can respect that. That is until I read or am told how bad of a person I am for my views which seems to be happening quite a bit lately.

There's a reason that I don't talk about politics and what's going on now is exactly why. People can't be nice, they have to be nasty to get their views across. In this I'm very bummed by the people that I look up too and I'm sorry that I don't live up to your high moral values. It seems lately everywhere I turn I barraged with poor opinions of who I am..

au-natural

2008-10-19T12:44:00.002-05:00

Took this just lounging around this am. No makeup, just little ole me! Bit of a somber morning.

~K~

You can fill in the blanks

2008-10-10T12:38:00.001-05:00

November 10th, 2008

Meeting Cyn's girl and truckers

2008-10-10T09:08:00.001-05:00

Well I had a new experience yesterday, one that I certainly didn't expect but certainly made me blush. I got my first cat call …

The girl that cuts my hair and does my eyebrows for me is a sweet friend of my daughters. She has bent over backwards to make me comfortable and help me out and I adore her. This year her and her husband decided to have a baby and low and behold she is with child. Unfortunately right now due to personal reasons she is unable to cut my hair and I'm in need to a new hairdresser for the task.

My friend Cynthia was meeting with her girl yesterday to get her nails done so Diane and I decided to take advantage of the great 74 degree weather and take our bikes up to meet her. It was an awesome fall day for a ride and it took us approximately 10 miles up the back roads. At the end of RT128 in Londonderry NH is a stop sign and that merges into RT 28a. It's at this point where traffic was a bit more busy and we were trying to focus on pulling out left onto 28.

As we were sitting there waiting for our move a construction truck passed us in the same direction we were about to go and as he did a loud whistle came from inside the cab of the truck. PfffftPheeeeuw. As usual I turned my usual shades of red and chuckled as Diane laughed at me over it. At that point it was just another experience to take in and enjoy. I turned left onto 28 and took a big lead in front of Diane's bike. Coming around the next bend in the left lane waiting to turn left was, you guessed it "Said trucker"

As my bike flew by the cab of the truck I heard something preceded by the trucks air horns going off. As Diane flew by they blasted again … I have to say that I am finally getting a little more used to this happening now and as we are riding I am noticing more and more men turning to get a glance of the 2 girls on their Harleys. I just had to laugh though ..

After meeting with Cyns girl I have an appointment on Tuesday evening and she assures me that she can help me get me hair to a point that I wont need to tie it back on the bike anymore. (We'll soon see) I hate having to tie it back

I'm looking forward to it…

Karyn

Is your transition fun and humorous? Hmmm ?

2008-10-03T09:39:00.000-05:00

Last night as I was reflecting on the blog about embracing the past self that another really good point struck me that is rarely talked about in transition. It's has to do with how we interact with the people that know us from before we start. To start this off I'm going to use a real life example.

The company that I work for is pretty progressive on human rights. While they do not discriminate against transgender people, the insurance still doesn't cover any part of transition. (To a point) Overall, if you come out as a transsexual planning on transitioning, your job here is protected. They want the best of the best and they understand that being diverse creates more opportunity to tap some incredibly intelligent people.

In another division is an older transsexual that for privacy issues I will call Betty. Betty started her transition early in my years working here and did it completely on the job. Back in the early 90's we as a society still had a long way to go toward acceptance and education over this issue and yet, this company embraced her change. It wasn't as easy for the employees.

Back in those day I was working in our main machine shop and working with a bunch of shop guys took a huge emotional toll on me because of the things they would say about this person. I would later learn that this person had no friends left after her transition and generally had people view her very negatively here. A lot of these things played an important part in my fear of transitioning because I simply did not want to be treated the same way. The only thing I had to go on in those days was the experience from watching and listening.

Over time I noticed different issues that have since changed my opinion of Betty and made me realize that even with all the negative trans stuff, she simply wasn't a nice person to begin with. In turn she does every other transsexual behind her an injustice as we all end up stereotyped with the Springer mentality. My understanding was that back early on if you even said something to her that could be construed as discrimination you would end up in HR under the microscope. While I understand that there are people that will never accept us, there are a bigger number who simply; don't care! The problem arises when someone mistakenly uses the wrong pronoun or gives the wrong impression without intending any malice toward the trans person and the trans person is so defensive that it becomes an issue.

In another instance at a lunch time company appreciation picnic Betty showed up wearing Daisy Duke shorts. Somehow the thought of a 68 year old woman at a company function, during work hours just does not seem right, trans or not! It is issues like these that have labeled her and stereotyped the rest of us making it harder to be taken seriously.

One of the big things in the people I have always associated with is that they must of all things have a good sense of humor and personally I'm not any different. This aspect of my personality so far has been the one thing that I have been able to embrace and use to my advantage when dealing with people who know. I find the more I allow this to be fun without being insensitive the easier it is for them to feel comfortable with it. More times I've been told or heard, "I was going too but I didn't want to offend you" from people who know me or are even close to me. Unless you are saying things with the intent of being nasty then it's not possible for me to be offended.

If I were to take my transition and myself so seriously that people felt they had to walk on eggshells then how could I possibly live a fun and happy life? So far in my experience the looser you are with humor with this subject, the easier it is for your peers to feel comfortable with you. They simply become less afraid that they are going to say the wrong thing.

Humor is certainly a medication that more of our lives need, not just trans people!

Karyn

Embracing past lives while growing for the future.

2008-10-02T12:55:00.001-05:00

Sara made a wonderful point in her last comment. I figured I'd spit out a quick blog on the subject of how we treat our past lives. All to often I hear about Trans people not wanting to have pictures, mention old names or embrace any part of who they were before they fixed themselves. If you've noticed on my blog I've never once ran from or have hidden the fact that my name was Kevin and at times I have even posted old photos.

Not long ago someone asked me what I was going to do about all the pictures throughout my home. Are they too painful for me to look at? Absolutely not, those memories have gotten me to where Karyn is today. Furthermore it would be disrespectful to my daughter and wife to just pretend that part of my life simply never happened. When I look at old photos of myself I usually see a guy who was very unhappy. Occasionally I find a memory that I have a smile and you can tell it was a good day. I look at those photos with fond memories for sure. Without some of those fond memories made with the people I love I can honestly say I wouldn't be here today for those to even be an issue.

I may not have been happy in the gender I was handed but I've never been ashamed of Kevin and Kevin will not disappear from our lives totally. He will be looked at fondly because he gave me the best family a girl could ask for …

Thanks For the inspiration Sara

Karyn

Forever changing senses

2008-10-01T06:37:00.000-05:00

It's funny what our senses can trigger for us. Seeing something that reminds us of a person. Hearing an old song that brings back a specific mood or in this case smelling a familiar odor that gives you a moment of comfort.

This morning standing in the shower, attempting to wake up, a sudden but familiar scent became very noticeable to me. It was the smell of Jovan musk that suddenly seemed to fill the air of the bathroom. It's a scent that has very deep meaning to me.

When Diane and I were dating this was by far her favorite perfume and literally the only one she would wear. It's a scent that takes me back to the early days of our relationship when at the end of the night, I would go home I could still smell the scent of her perfume on my clothes and my skin. It was an odor that always made me think of Diane and how precious that particular time in our lives was to me.

As I stood there thinking about the musk and our young lives together I could see Diane standing in front of the mirror getting ready as she does every morning. I slid the door of the shower open and with a smile asked her if she was wearing her Jovan. With a bewildered look she answered "no"

I don't know what triggered that smell for me but I know it was very real to my senses and something that seems to happen a lot more often now. Since I have been on hormones my sense of smell and taste has become more sensitive to the changes around me. For instance I now notice the smell of men's cologne as it lingers in the work hallways long after he has been there. Or even things such as unpleasant male body odor have been much stronger. Riding on the motorcycle yields the various floral smells or even the smell of concord grapes on the vine.

As for my sense of taste, spice seems to be something I crave now. While I used to really enjoy spicy food it now has hit a whole new level. Seafood has become tastier to me and I've now started liking whole-bellied clams and cooked shrimp, all things I hated before. I guess variety really is the spice of life.

My sense of touch has become heightened as well. To be touched now has a deeper sense of pleasure about it. To simply have my arm caressed is heaven to me now, something that had little affect on me before.

It's funny to think that all of this was triggered from one dear smell that was never really there for me except in some deep corner of my mind. Wonder what other tricks my day will play on me!

Karyn

Life rolls on

2008-09-28T19:02:00.008-05:00

This past Wed was my every 4 week counseling session and I have to say it is too the point than it is more like sitting and talking with an old friend than it is an actually counseling session. When I mentioned this to Anne she said for the most part that she felt I was adjusting to this whole process well. Have no deep emotional issues getting in the way and overall I'm so much happier than I'd been a few years ago. This particular affirmation was not only nice to hear, it was something I really needed to hear. It really shows how far I've come emotionally.

Weather wise it's been a crappy weekend but that didn't stop us from having an enjoyable weekend. Saturday morning was a bit busy as I had another electrolysis appointment. It is slow going but I am starting to see some results from it. As long as I can slowly see those results I don't get down about having to go. So far it still hasn't been very painful for me.

Last night we had plans to meet our friend Cynthia for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We had decided to get there early so we all settled on 4 pm. On the way to dinner one of those tiny little smart4two cars passed us. It seems like they are getting incredibly popular up here. Funny enough the license plate caught my eye and I just HAD to get a picture of it!

I absolutely died laughing when I saw this. Looking at the size of the car it certainly is a fitting plate.

When we arrived at Margaritas, Cynthia was waiting outside for us and I felt so bad that she was standing outside in the rain. We went in sat down and boy time flew! In fact the time went so quickly between drinks talking dinner and just having fun that we didn't walk out until 9:30 pm. Apparently I have a new nickname. I believe Cynthia dubbed me "Literal Karyn" albeit I have no idea why! LOL All in all it was a nice evening with great company. This is a friendship that I can see blossoming as she has such an awesome sense of humor and she is just fun to be around.

Today was a pretty quiet day and I guess it was nice to just be lazy we had plans to get some things done but honestly it was nice to just hang. We did our weekly Sunday grocery shopping, went to the farm and brought home stuff to make salads tonight. After dinner I was a bit bored so I decided to play with some makeup and take a few pics. So ..Here's the latest pictures. Hope you like.

I guess that's about it for now, hope you all are doing well and are happy…

Karyn

Kind of cute

2008-09-23T20:46:00.001-05:00

My daughter and granddaughter came by to have dinner with us and spend some time. We had a really enjoyable evening going to the path for another 4 mile walk tonight. I'm trying to enjoy what is left of the season before the cold and snow tightens its New England grip on us. I am finding now as I'm getting older I enjoy the snow or the idea of snow less and less.

Tonight in conversation Jess started to say something but put the breaks on and said she didn't want to say something that could be construed as offensive. I reassured her that it would be fine, I rarely get easily offended. She laughed and told me the Dee is more of a tom boy and I am more of the girl in the relationship, I just had to laugh. To some degree it is true and it's kind of nice having someone point it out because it becomes more cemented in reality. It's so funny to me that something so minute as that can mean so much at the same time.

Karyn

little to say (I think)

2008-09-23T11:08:00.001-05:00

I've been pretty quiet lately, I haven't really had much to say (hard to believe eh?) or at least not anything of substance. I would have to say that life being quiet is a good thing because there isn't anything in the trans-world on my mind. Or at least anything directly related to me that deserve telling the world.

This past Friday was a major event for trans-people in the U.S.A. It was the verdict in the lawsuit of Diane Schroer Vs the Library of congress. For those that aren't aware Ms Schroer had been interviewed and offered a high level job researching terrorism for the Library. Ms Schroer was and remained the most qualified candidate for the job based on her past military experience. The twist came because Ms Schroer interviewed for the job as David because at the point of the interview her transition had not fully started. Until that point Ms Schoer's plans should have been of no concern to anyone. After she had been offered the job she revealed to the woman hiring her what was going on and this woman decided to renege on the offer. How sad considering that she admitted she did so because all she could see was a man in women's clothes and yet Diane was the top candidate. Suddenly it became little to do with the most qulified for the job and more about 1 person's feelings on someone else life. Thankfully the court sided with Ms Schroer and the idea that being transgender is protected under the law of sex discrimination.

. You can read the full story here

http://www.abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/Health/story?id=5843396&page=1

The only other thing I have of value to mention is that I told another coworker yesterday. This particular person is a very old friend that worked with me in another division. We used to hang out together, go to concerts and even attended Woodstock 94 together.

I kind of figured that he would be ok with it because his boss in a trans-woman and he's always spoken highly of her and on occasion hangs out with her. I guess it's a little more shocking when it turns out to not only be a friend of yours but you actually know 2 people that are Trans..

When I told him the look on is face was priceless as his jaw literally dropped open. You could see the wheels in his mind spinning feverishly trying to connect past dots so he could make sense of it. I laughed at one point because of the look and told him that I figured the first thing going through his mind was "Oh my god, I shared a tent with this person!" In the end he told me that his biggest concern was that I was happy and he mentioned that he had noticed that I smile a lot more now.

For me this is a small step in one sense and a much larger in another. For those who are starting to come out please read this and understand this carefully.

It is a small step in the sense that in every person you tell it becomes much easier. When you first start approaching people you do so with a stomach full of butterflies and a mind that spins with the most fearful of thoughts. You understand your life can be and probably will be drastically changed from this point on. A lot rides on this conversation With each new conversation a few butterflies are set free and your mind spins a little less until it becomes "normal" Eventually it just "is"

For me the bigger issue means another step to fulltime. With each of the friends that I have here being reeled in it is getting to the point that the people that need to hear it from me already know. For me, until all those people know, I feel stalled and unable to move forward.

A few short years ago I couldn't even so much as write my name on a web site with the word transsexual in it because I was afraid alarms would go off and everyone I knew would see it. Now a few short years later I can say it isn't an issue anymore and in fact it's a fear that really didn't need to exist. If you're contemplating making this step please do so with confidence in knowing that it is much scarier than it really needs to be.

Lastly to close it out I figured I'd mention our little walk last night. Dee and I every so often after dinner drive to a paved path that goes from town to town through the woods. It's basically for bikes, walking and jogging. The path itself is nice a level with only slight inclines which is nice because my knees aren't great and hills really make it hard on me. The entire length of the path is 3.3 miles and because it is getting dark earlier now we usually go 2 miles in and then the 2 miles back, not too bad! Last night we headed down for our walk at about ½ mile in a put my foot down wrong and twisting my ankle, bending my foot over and sending me face first to the pavement. I ended up banging my left knee on the pavement right on its most tender spot. Today my knee is a bit sore but my ankle funny enough seems to be fine. God it is tough to get old!

Hope your week is off to a decent start …

Karyn

Not bad for having little to say

Rye NH

2008-09-17T06:11:00.004-05:00

Nice weekend

2008-09-16T07:40:00.002-05:00

We had a decent weekend this weekend and I'm a bit worn out today. As previously posted it was our anniversary yesterday so we made it a 3 day weekend but decided not to go away this year.

Friday I got out of work a tad early as I had another electrolysis appointment. This one was relatively uneventful with the exception of 1 hair in the middle of my chin. It felt like it was attached right to the nerve when she hit it. I sweat I could feel that one spot the next morning!

Saturday morning was to be a busy day as we had several things we wanted to do and some plans on the side as well. We got up early and went for our usual Sat morning bagels and coffee at the Manchester Panera. From there we went over to Manchester Harley Davidson for their annual open house.

Manchester open house generally consists of free food, outside vendors, nice bikes, bike demos and some really good discounts on merchandise and clothing. So Dee and I both decided for our Anniversary this year that we would just get some really nice hoodies as we both wear them a lot at this time of the year.

Dee got a nice yellow one with the Harley Davidson embroidered in emerald green on the front and on the lower back portion of the hoodie. I got a nice gray one with an Ace in blue and some little crystals to make it stand out.

From there we headed down to Dee's mom's to picker her and her friend up and take them to the IKEA store down in Stoughton Ma. The IKEA store is so big it takes a while to see everything and look for stuff you may want. After IKEA the four of us hit the Olive Garden for dinner and then back to drop them off.

We had a really nice time with them and while they are trying they still have their slips so I tend to get self-conscious when I am out. It's kind of hard to be just doing my thing and have someone blurt out "Kevin" or "He" in a crowd. Still at least they are trying and accepting so I'm happy.

On the way back my mother in law mentioned a neat bit of info to me. She had told me that she let Diane's Aunt know what was going on and that things were fine with her, her only concern was for Diane and if she was doing ok with things. She did mention that after my father in laws birthday party on of her sons asked if I had been sick or something because my face looked so different to him. He mentioned that he thought my face looked more feminine and softer. This was a piece of information I was glad to have my mother in law hear because now she knows other people actually see it.

Saturday evening Dee and I were bored and at about 9 pm at night we just felt like doing something. We had been tossing around the idea of going out for a few drinks when the sudden urge hit to go to a local diner, be bad and get french fries and shakes. Sometimes it's just so good just to be bad.

Sunday was pretty uneventful just getting our usual weekly stuff done

Monday we decided that for our anniversary and because it was so nice that we would take our bikes and head out to the coast. As we got out by the route that goes up to the coast a young guy in his 20's was walking up to cross the street. The law dictates you have to stop so Dee and I did just that the guy said thank you and started to walk across. As he crossed in front of both motorcycles he suddenly turned towards us, threw up the horns sign and yelled "Chicks on bikes rock!!" I have to admit that I almost pee'd myself laughing so hard.

It was such an unexpected event that it was pretty cool and it made my day at the same time. We drove up the coast, enjoyed the sun, stopped along the way and headed home. I ended up with a sunburn on my arms, guess I didn't realize the sun was so strong yesterday. I did get to break in my new hoodie on the way back as well … all in all a nice day. If I get chance maybe I'll toss up a picture of the area and no, I have none of me!

Hope you're well .
Karyn

Happy 18th Dee

2008-09-15T09:51:00.001-05:00

Happy anniversary!! Thank you for being you and loving me the way you do...

Hmmm

2008-09-11T07:43:00.001-05:00

Today's Capricorn Horoscope: Sep 11, 2008

If you are not careful to keep your eyes straight ahead, focused only on the future, then the past is likely to catch up to you, dear Capricorn. Don't look back for anything. Even if you do not see anything in front of you, you must continue to move forward. It is true that this is easier said than done. Nevertheless, you feel inspired to give it a try.

10/11 yrs old

2008-09-09T17:50:00.002-05:00

This was taken at my 1/2 brothers house somewhere around 1975/76. I had forgotten I had this scan as I honestly don't have many photos from when I was a child. After looking at this picture today I suddenly realized how girlish I actually looked as a preteen ...

Sleepy Tuesdays

2008-09-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those days? One that you feel like you should have just stayed in bed? I can say I have a lot less of those than I used to but they still happen from time to time. My coworker and I had a pretty heated argument this AM and then not long after he had one with another colleague. See a pattern here?

I don't like being that way anymore because it reminds me a lot of the old me and I always have this constant fear of slipping back to some of my old ways. I know that cannot possibly happen because I do not internally feel the same way as I used to, but still it can be a familiar feeling at times.

Seems from the time I hit the floor today all the way up until now, someone is whispering "you should have just slept the day away; you dummy!"

When I rolled out of bed this am as usual I asked Diane what she wanted for breakfast and she requested some toast. I figured I'd throw together a cheese omelet and an English muffin for myself. Sat morning we had stopped by the local bread outlet and picked up a few packages so I left one out and froze one.

As I was getting ready to cut the first muffin I noticed mold on the muffin! We just got them! The whole package was ruined! Figuring there may have been some moisture in the package I tossed them and pulled the frozen package out and guess what, yup MOLD! WTF!

I guess that wasn't the only issue, when I went to butter Diane's toast I dropped butter all over the counter. Then when I walked into work my coworker didn't sass me with his usual smart ass greeting. It felt as though the world had been tipped off its axis.

Saturday morning I went for another round of electrolysis and as usual it went fairly well and the pain is tolerable still. I'm so mad at myself for not getting this part done sooner. The owner Rita has a super personality and it really helps to pass the time.

I guess other than that you could say that things have been pretty uneventful this apst weekend, not a bad thing at all I guess. This coming weekend we are taking Monday off for our 18th wedding anniversary so it'll be nice to have a long weekend to kick back. We still haven't decided how or where we should spend this anniversary.

I read the other day where the NH DMV may allow for gender marker changes in the future without the surgery. The only drawback is that you'd still have to have your criteria completed for surgery to qualify so the only people it really helps are those who have done RLT and do not want surgery. The downside is with a female name on my license and a little "m" in the corner I fear that I could be subject to discrimination if asked for my ID

The only other piece of business for me personally is going fulltime. I mentioned to Diane the other night that I think I might shoot for Oct 1st. I'm trying to decide this week if I want to fire off a letter to HR declaring that date as they are waiting for word. We'll see if I can get myself to send it now

20 questions with Dee

2008-09-03T06:01:00.002-05:00

The one thing that drives me crazy about my wife is that she doesn't take the time to write and share her side of things. I had hoped that her experiences in this would be something that could help other spouses understand and deal with things. Diane's issue is that she doesn't feel as though she is a good enough writer to carry her blog.

Last night while I was showering and thinking about her lack of updates I had a cute idea. Without telling her anything I decided to email her 20 quick questions and figured I'd share the answers. I didn't tell her in advanced because I wanted the answers to be sincere and not skewed by thoughts that other people would be seeing them. So here they are

1) What was it that attracted you to Kevin? -

His eyes

2) How did it feel when you found out about Kevin’s feminine side? -

I thought it was kewl, our little secret. Now I think its awesome that others know.

3) What makes you so attracted to Karyn? -

she's goofy, extremely sexy eyes, she's smart, the way she looks at life now, the way she looks at me, she smells awesome as well. Its tough to say cause there are a ton of things that attract me to Karyn.

4) Why did you decide to be so supportive of Karyn’s transition? -

It was unconditional love

5) What were your favorite qualities in Kevin? -

That's a tough one.....well there was one, he wouldn't say no to the things that I liked or liked to do. I'm sure that there are others, but right now I can't think of them.

6) What are your favorite qualities in Karyn? -

The way she looks at things, the fact that she took over the cooking :o) , the fact that she doesn't say no to the things that I like or like to do.

7) Did you ever consider leaving when you found out? -

Not one second because I love her very much. She is my soul mate!

8) Which persona is more fun to be around? Kevin/Karyn -

Karyn most definitely,

9) Do you ever miss Kevin? -

no.

10) What did you dislike most about Kevin -

The temper.

11) What do you wish you could change about Karyn? -

That she could get that confidence and just be herself 100% of the time.

12) Who is more girlish, you or Karyn? -

Karyn most definitely.

13) Who is more romantic? -

Karyn most definitely.

14) If you could learn any 1 thing from Karyn what would it be? -

Tough to say because because I'm pretty open about a lot of things. What I wish other's would learn from Karyn is that life is too short, so you have to live for yourself.

15) Do you view Karyn’s transition as a necessary issue? -

Yes because if she stayed the other way, I believe that in a few short years that I wouldn't have her.

16) What would you say are your favorite changes? -

The fact that she now takes care of herself and the way her skin feels and how nice she always smells.

17) Do you ever worry that Karyn will suddenly decide she likes men? -

No because I feel the commitment and the love that Karyn has to offer me.

18) Do you ever miss having a typical male/female relationship? -

No because I believe that Karyn has always been around but has just been hidden.

19) Do you feel you are more bonded to Karyn now? -

Yes most definitely!

20) If you could have Kevin back would you want him? -

No because Karyn is a much better person to be around and fun as well.

Hope you find this as interesting as I have...

~Karyn~

Old fears revisited

2008-09-02T07:08:00.007-05:00

Back in the summer of 1994 I had 2 major incidents that sent me running to the hospital, one of which was nearly fatal. The first one in April of that year left me with a scar on my right wrist. I had actually slid in my stocking feet (not intentionally) and my right hand went through our storm door window, which left me with a severed artery and a severed ulner tendon.

Now before you assume that was the one that almost killed me think again, it wasn't. In August of that year I had finally rehabilitated my wrist and was coaching Methuen youth tea-ball back in my old community. I had promised to do so because my daughter wanted to play ball that year and on occasion we would go out in our front yard to practice.

One hot New England afternoon we were playing ball in the front yard and I had hit the ball pretty hard, Jess had run into the woods to get it. I remember hearing her ungodly screams as she ran towards me and I caught a glimpse or a swarm of bees attacking her. I did my best to clear her off, get her in the house under a cool shower and while Diane tended to her I called the emergency room so they could tell me what to do. The official count of stings she would have received was in the area of 21/23 stings.

After hanging up the phone of being apprised of the symptoms to watch out for I myself started feeling funny. In the course of trying to protect my daughter I had gotten stung once on my arm and never having been allergic to bees I had no fear of it. That was before I had ever experience anaphylactic shock.

By the time I was within a mile of the hospital (Diane drove us through rush hour) I had already gone blind, my breathing was very shallow and I remembered uttering the words to Diane "Sorry hon, I'm not going to make it"

As Diane pulled up to the front of the hospital she yelled at me "we're here go ahead" and I remember telling her I couldn't because I was blind. She raced into the E.R to find help. I don't remember much more other than waking up as I faded pretty quickly and I never even recollect being pulled from the truck.

When I awoke I was told it had been pretty severe, they had to double dose me to get me back and that I'd be fine. I've lived with that burned in memory to this day and to be honest, I'd rather fall through the window again than to suffer that shock. What I can tell you is for my experience, death is a very calming feeling. There is no panic, there is nothing more than a fading feeling and memories of the people you love.

Yesterday Diane and I decided to take a run about 20 miles north to a Harley dealer we frequent. How would I have known they would be closed ("Ya could've called" <- old verizon commercial)

On the way back Diane was diagonal to me about 30 feet in front to the right side of the lane when I felt something hit me in the throat and slide into my shirt. It was followed by some of the most intense pain I have felt in a long time, it was stabbing me just above my right breast just towards the thorax.(ie center of the chest) . I immediately grabbed my shirt hoping to grasp whatever was causing me the pain. And proceeded to drive by Diane and turn into a church parking lot. Unfortunately for her it was too quick of a turn and she had to go straight.

When I got off the bike and shook my shirt you can imagine the thought when the yellow jacket fell out and onto the ground. It followed by me stomping on it feeling like I may had just fallen victim again and I had no epi-pens with me in case of symptoms.

The next glimpse Diane saw as she pulled out of a side street was my bike flying by her on my way back to our house. At that point I was looking at about a 4-mile ride. She did the best that she could to follow in toe and catch up. When I hit the red light around the corner she pulled up asking what was wrong assuming I was upset about something. Apparently she hadn't noticed me slumped over the tank of the bike in pain during the ride.

I'm happy to say as dramatic as it sounds and as it was, I am ok. I did not have any symptoms of shock that I previously had. This doesn't meant he sting didn't totally affect me, I'm quite sore across the right side of my chest, itchy and I have a slight headache but alas, I am alive!

I told Dee gleefully last night that I'm not ready to check out quite yet, I still have a lot of life to live. What a far cry from a few years ago when I wouldn't carry a pen because I welcomed the outcome. Now I just forget it out of stupidity!

How much things change but yet they stay the same!

Hope your Labor Day was a nice one!

Karyn

Just stopping by

2008-08-31T21:22:00.002-05:00

As I sit here and type this it is 5 minutes to 10pm on Sunday evening. I am totally wiped out as we had a busy family day today. I got to spend some quality time with my granddaughter which is always an awesome thing, I love watching her progression. I continue to be grateful to be here to see and feel everything associated with being a grandparent.

Yesterday I had my 2nd electrolysis appointment. I ended up being 15 minutes late because I thought it was for 10:30 am and it was scheduled for 10:15 am. I guess that's not a bad thing considering just a week ago I told her it was convenient that she was only 5 minutes from my home and I'd have no excuse for being late.

Again not much pain to deal with, I think there were only 2 zaps that I felt but even those were not unbearable at all. Today it feels a bit like a bruise but it isn't so bad. My skin seems to react well to the treatment and you cannot even tell that I've had anything done.

When I first started laser my skin would go through acne breakouts after the treatment. I don't know if it was oils being released to sooth the skin from the trauma or what but it was awful to deal with. So far, within an hour of being finished you couldn't even tell. She hasn't quite cleared all the hair on my frontal chin but she has definitely put a dent in it. Shaving that area this week seems to be easier and that was one of the suckier parts of my face to shave. Hopefully I get a full hour in next Sat and she is able to clear most of the frontal hair.

So far I'm not minding going to these appointments. It's tolerable and she seems to be a very warm interesting girl who can speak about any number of topics. It certainly passes the time. The only thing that sucks is that by the time an hour is up my back is sore from lying on the table.

Yesterday morning Dee and I headed over to Panera for our Sat morning bagels and coffee day. We sat in the window to people watch as usual. At one point a lady came in with a teenage daughter, ordered their breakfast and sat 2 tables behind Dee.

Diane wanted to being bagels home so she got up to throw the trash away and head up to the counter and I noticed the lady intently staring at her as she walked by to the point of turning to watch her as she was past. I had been thinking to myself what the hell is up with this, figuring that something must be up. When she turned to her daughter I was able to catch a hint of the conversation and the lady comment "Now she is a really pretty girl" to her daughter. When Diane came back I told her and she had an awesome smile on her face.

As much as I adore Diane and I have always believed her to be drop dead gorgeous, she has never felt that way about herself. In my opinion Diane is one of those women who can go working on cars with guys to wearing a dress and shine in the process. She has a natural beauty that I am constantly in awe of. Whether she has no makeup or she is completely done up she has never had an issue turning some guys head. I see the same natural beauty in my daughter as well. Thank god for Diane's good genes.

Life has been good this past week and I've been on a nice even keel. I am so happy to finally be able to say that I'm fine, that I'm getting better and that life is good, it's getting better all the time. It might get sickening to hear, but it will never be sickening for me to write.

Karyn

Perception is a funny thing

2008-08-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

Years ago before I decided to face my fears and I was living hidden as a male I had an experience that was quite amusing, on the flip side I've had some that were rather annoying. By the same note it also relates to this whole journey now is some strange way. It's how people perceive us, whether it be visually or vocally and how they come to their conclusions of who we are.

Part of the previous topic was how people who don't know me perceive me vs the people who do know me and simply don't see a visual change.

Years ago after buying the home Dee and I currently own we had seen an ad for a waterbed. We already had a queen sized water bed from our first apt but this one was a king, it had a canopy that Diane and always wanted and it was inexpensive. After throwing the idea back and forth decided it couldn't hurt to get more info and maybe look at it. I got the number from the ad and made the phone call.

A young girl answered the phone and I asked her a series of questions about the condition of the bed, the heater, why she wanted to get rid of it etc. After I was satisfied that it was of interest I made an appointment to go see it.

When we arrived at the girls house we went up and the walk and rung the doorbell. As the door opened I introduced my wife and myself and in we went to look at the bed. It the course of the conversation the girl admitted to me that I wasn't what she expected at all. In fact it was quite the opposite of what she expected. Talking to me on the phone she had the sense that I was a businessman and I would show up probably wearing a suit. The reality was that I had hair down to my waist and played in a metal band. The contrast from my manner of speech to my visual just didn't seem to match to her.

At times over the years I would get asked why I had long hair and I'd mention being a guitarist. I'd talk to people about all different subjects with great interest. At times conversations would turn to high school, being a teen and smoking pot. I've readily admitted to anyone who asks that not only do I not do drugs, I've never even tried so much as a joint. This concept often perplexes people, as it just doesn't fit the stereotype. Even after I moved to NH I had the policed called on me and it turned out because I had "long hair"

We as trans people deal with the exact same discrimination in perception because of the damage that the entertainment industry has done of us. People hear the word transgender or transsexual and we automatically become lepers no matter how authentic the inner person really is. Some of us will always live with the visual perception of judgment without ever opening our mouths and yet, we come from all walks of life, all levels of intelligence.

Over time as people come to learn more of the science behind the condition, they will come to be more open to who we are. Hopefully then we will be judged for who we are and not a perception ...

Happy Labor Day peoples …
Karyn

DMV part deux, Zap Zap old friends

2008-08-26T20:49:00.002-05:00

Well back to the DMV today for the "retake" and I'm pleasantly surprised, they seem to have finally gotten things under control. As I walked in I noticed a sign that simply said "retakes" The officer that was there the last time happened to be working again and asked me for my letter. Lucky for me I got to jump the line, apparently retakes get priority. It wouldn't have mattered anyway because there was probably 6 people in line and 3 lines working.

The officer took my letter over to one of the girls working the camera and computers, not long after I heard her yell out "KARYN?" It's the first time my name has actually been called out loud in such a manner in front of a room full of people. She snapped my photo and showed it to me, asked me if it was ok (It's a DMV photo, it's never ok!) I then went and stood to the side and waited. KARYN! You're all set!!

In all honestly I went au-natural for my picture. I didn't have any makeup on; in fact I had just gone from work to do this. I let my hair down and made sure it looked decent and went in. Now as I said, eh it's a dmv photo, but I'm happy that it came out much better than the last one and even without makeup my face does look feminine in it so I guess I can live with this one. It does however suck that I'll have been on a cheap paper temp license for a total of 4 months! If anything this redo worked in my favor as I hated the other crappy pic anyway.

This past weekend was quite a busy do nothing weekend. Saturday Dee did her last shift at curves and then as she was getting out I had my first electrolysis appointment to finally take care of the gray hair. To say I was nervous was probably an understatement; I'm a wuss at heart. When I got there I was met by Rita who owns the place and does the zapping. She did her best to calm my nerves and help me feel comfortable which was awesome.

As she was explaining the process, the dos, the don'ts and whatnots we could hear Dee's bike pull up outside (Hey it's a Harley!). When Dee walked in I opened the door to let her in the room and the consult continued. I had set an hour appointment for this session and we ate up about 40 minutes doing all the paperwork and questions so it wouldn't leave more than 20-30 minutes for her to work on me.

As I lay down on the table I mentioned to Rita that there was something familiar about her but I simply couldn't put my finger on it. Seems she thought Diane looked familiar to her as well. When I asked where she was originally from she blurted out my hometown and I mentioned that we were from there as well. When Diane asked her maiden name and Rita gave it I shot up off the table. "Why, do you know the name?" she asked. I mentioned I used to hang around with a girl named Jean in high school and it turned out to be her sister. I knew her family! No wonder it made sense that there was a familiarity about her.

What turned out to be even more funny was that she said in an email that her and her sister used to get picked up and driven to school by a kid named Pete and another kid. That kid was actually me .. LOL Again small world!

Rita commenced to explaining what she was doing as she did it and in no time we were underway. I have to admit that after having been lasered this was a piece of cake; I could have slept on the table as she worked on me. I don't know what I was so worried about all this time. There wasn't really much pain at all and all I can do is liken it to a pinprick. After she was done I decided to make an appointment for this Sat, we'll see how that goes.

After we were done Dee and I decided to grab a few shirts and head over to Harley as they are running an Aug special of trade in a dealer's shirt and get 25% off a new dealer's shirt. This would serve me well as I need to purge male Harley shirts for girl's shirts anyway so at least I get something for them and apparently the dealership is donating the old shirts to charity. So I ended up with 2 new girls shirts that I really liked. I'm thinking before the end of the month I may trade in another 4 shirts.

As Dee was writing the check to pay for the shirts she needed her ID from the bag in my bike so I went outside to get it. As I was walking back towards the door I was approached by a guy. "Is that your friend's sportster?" I told him it was and he had remarked that it was a really nice bike and I just thanked him. As I walked in the door it suddenly clicked with me that he called Dee my friend which meant if he was seeing a boy that isn't typically something a guy would ask. Implying Dee was my friend meant he saw a female. Getting this from strange men has been something I really needed so I know I'm passing to both sexes. That made my afternoon!

Saturday evening Dee and I did something out of the ordinary for us; we went out late for a few margaritas. It was a nice change instead of feeling old and spending Sat evening at home.

Sunday morning we had to get up early and do my monthly breakfast with my cousin Betty. It's something I think we have both become fond of doing so that we can spend time getting to know each other. She's been accepting and calling me Karyn quite easily so it's an added bonus.

From there we headed over to Home depot to pick up some bolts so we could reassemble our old couch in the family room. We are hoping to have our friends from Chicago visit in the near future and we are trying to get things back in order for their visit. After we walked out of HD and approached our bike a gentleman rode up on a Harley slightly older than mine. He seemed quite cheerful and as he walked by us commented about the chill in the air on the bikes and proceeded to admire Dee's bike, chatted a few minutes and off he went. As he walked away he chirped "Have a nice ride ladies!" Hey another one!! I was so stoked…

I still have a hard time understanding that people probably see a girl, I just get nervous that I'll expect that's what they see and then I'll get sired or something. My friends Cynthia and Kristi both get frustrated with me. Cynthia told me in email yesterday, sorry I just don't see Kevin, I do see Karyn though, and you look fine! I know they think I'm crazy but I also understand that the people closest to me tell me they see male, they don't see female so for whatever reason that seems to stick in the back of my mind.
If anything I see it in the mirror now easily, Kev's gone and I am getting used to hearing Karyn. My heart still skips a beat whenever I'm addressed by my name. I just hope I can get over this last hump soon so RLT can start.

Well, tomorrow is the monthly counseling session I(oh yay!) Life is good and I'm happy, for now that's the most important thing because I know the rest is following and will only get better.

I hope you're all happy, healthy and fulfilled
Karyn

DMV woes

2008-08-20T06:49:00.000-05:00

If you have been following my blog for any length of time you are probably aware that the NH Dept of Motor Vehicles decided to go to a new licensing system. On June 16th of this year my name legally changed to Karyn which meant the change of all of my personal documents. About 3 weeks before that change happened the NH DMV implemented the new licensing system but never thought it through well enough to have it go seamlessly.

The first issue that we noticed was the amount of time I needed to spend at the DMV to get a new license. Under the old system it would normally take me no more than 10 minutes start to finish and that was one of the things I loved about the way Govt ran up here, it was so simple and streamlined. That was until we walked in the door of the registry, saw the line and proceeded to spend over 3 hours for my new license.

When I got my new license I was excited about finally having the new name on it but disappointed in the fact that it was now a cheap paper temporary license that would only be good for 60 days until the new one was mailed. Apparently they felt this new system would help prevent fraud.

As I walked out of the registry 2 things came to mind. One was the fact that when I walked in the door my hair was nice and flat ironed out. Now anyone that has ever seen old picture of me would know that I have such thick hair that in order for it to look tamed I need to flat iron it. With so many people in the room that day, the humidity in the room and the length of time, my hair came out looking like one big frizzy mess by the time the actual picture was taken. The only saving grace was that my license renewal is for next year anyway so I'll be getting a new picture then

The 2nd thing that struck me was how dark the actual picture was. You can surely make out my hair and face but the picture is so dark there's no true way to know it was me.

I'd been reading he paper since this new system was implemented and I've noticed that a lot of people seem to be having trouble using their new "Temp" ID. They look so fake that banks, liquor stores etc all refuse to accept them as valid forms of ID. (Oh great) The pocitive in this was that every day that ticked down was one less day I had to worry about using my id because my new one would soon arrive.

Another "problem" that was being written about was the fact that the Temp licenses for some people were expiring before getting a new one and sure enough as of last Friday my temp has expired. 2 days prior to it expiring I contacted the DMV to let them know I hadn't received my permanent license and after reviewing my record, I was assured that my license is valid no matter what. She stated according the system I should be receiving the new one any time now.

Yesterday upon opening the mailbox I was happy to see an envelope form the NH DMV but a bit perplexed when I realized that there was nothing "hard" like a license in the envelope and my first thought was "oh, oh"

There was a letter in the envelope that stated "Unfortunately the image we captured of you did not come out clearly and as such we are unable to mail you your new permanent license." They want me to come back in a have my picture redone, then they will issue me ANOTHER 60 day temp license.

Ok, these days it takes a lot more to rattle my cage but c'mon WTF people. Why did you have to wait until 1) My 1st temp expired before sending me a letter and 2) Does this means because you screwed the system up so badly I'll need to take ANOTHER day off work to get my license redone? Not to mention the fact that it will now be 120 days on a driver's license that most of the state of NH doesn't accept as a valid form of identification

I've always loved this state and I was very proud of the way it had been run. I have to say this leaves a lot of disappointment with me as it makes me wonder if this is more of what our future holds. In my opinion this is nothing more than more B.S. under the guise of homeland security.

If I have to walk away with something positive (and I will) it is the fact that I wont be stuck with the picture that made me look like a crack whore drag queen ….

How's your day going?

Karyn

Blah Blah Blah Blah

2008-08-18T09:35:00.002-05:00

Well I had to start this off somehow so that subject line seemed fitting!! It's Monday and the sun is shining, something it hasn't done much of lately because there has been so much rain.

I'm not sure why but I seem to be a bit tired today. Maybe it's just the Monday morning start to the week hitting me,. None the less I'm in a great mood even nursing a slight headache. Life is good.

As I've stated in the past I did laser hair removal to take care of the dark hair on my face. While it did an awesome job I still have a good amount of gray o my chin and neck area. I've also noticed a few stray dark hairs coming back as well. This past Friday I made an appointment for conventional electrolysis to start clearing the final stages. What's left for the most part is invisible until it's a few days growth so it'll be something that isn't a dire rush to get through.

I am however looking forward to getting away from a razor. I'm an very nervous about how long and how painful this part of it will be. So my appointment will be this coming Sat which means I need to allow 2 days growth (yuck) so she can work on it.

The end of last week the front brakes went on Dee's car which kind of sucks. I've decided I'll just order the parts and do it myself as it is quite a bit cheaper and relatively easy to do. I did however tell her this will be a "we" project. I'm kind of feeling like it is time that we are on even ground with the male based stuff that needs to be done. She smiled and said no problem, I think that was one of the things I loved about her, she's always willing to do unconventional things.

Yesterday we went over to the mall to Sephora and I bought a new eye kit by bare esscentuals. Call "Rocker eye tutorial" It's basically a kit with a gray glimmer shadow and darker blackish glitter shadow a liner caller "black leather (ooh la la) and it comes with a nice brush to create the effect. The effect is designed to be a smoky eye rock and roll type look.. Both Dee and I figure it kind of goes with my rocker mentality that I've lived all these years. LOL

Last night while Dee took the dogs for a walk I got into the kit and tried it out. I wasn't happy with the results but I'm never happy when it comes to stuff. I'm never happy because I tend to always feel like I can do better. I guess sometimes a good quality and sometime nothing but a pain in the ass. When she got home and saw it she seemed to like it and felt that it fit my personality well so we'll see if I can refine it more. I'm not used to applying dark colors to my eye and funny enough I always feel like I put too much on even when I'm assured that I don't.

Both Dee and I have taken to the Bare Esscentuals "Bare Minerals" makeup. It's slightly expensive but it covers well, doesn't feel caked on and it doesn't irritate the skin so it seems to be worth it so far. I never thought that a few short years ago that I'd be buying myself expensive makeup, funny how times change.

This weekend I finally reserved to change the last of my online personas over to Karyn so My MySpace page is officially Karyn now and not ~K~ anymore. I also added the picture I use here as my profile picture. Yesterday I shot my friend Annah a note teasing her asking what it took a girl to get her name in Annah's top 10. She gave me the top spot!! WOOT! She has been such a dear friend and a sweetheart and me for the last few years, I wish there were a lot more people like her. Being Trans has been so much easier with her encouragement and support.

Well I guess that's it for now nothing more to see here, move on, move on!!

Hope all ya'll have a great week … LOL
Karyn

A better world for transgender children

2008-08-12T18:05:00.000-05:00

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=5279337

2 years ago/ Time flies

2008-08-12T08:29:00.001-05:00

3 years ago this month I made my first steps in this journey by walking into a gender specialists office to see what I could do to get out of the depression I had been in. Through encouragement from Annah Moore I made that appointment and I still remember not even being able to look at the therapist in the eye. It seems like ages ago and it's so nice to have that shame extinguished.

2 years ago in the first week of Sept I made my first baby steps out of my shell and revealing publicly of my GID struggle. I've decided to share and reprint that post from my original blog...

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Skeletons in the closet keep me awake at night.

I'm approaching this blog with some trepidation as I am about to broach a very touchy subject with a lot of people. For the last few weeks I've sat back and watched as some friends have posted blogs that were very thought provoking and inspirational. It always amazes me these people walk the earth because those types of people are rare and by far better than the avg close minded individual.

Every so often out of the hundreds or thousands we encounter in our lives or on the internet there are always a handful of people who are diamonds and it is those jewels I am proud to consider friends. It's those people who I care enough about to be concerned of their feelings because before I've ever gotten the chance to consider theirs, they showed compassion for mine without hesitation. It is those people I look forward to saying hello too everyday and appreciating the fact that they take the time to do the same.

As I've stated 2 blogs this past week have had a profound affect on my thoughts and it is these I would like to address as they are the inspiration for this blog and for my thoughts.

Emthrax~ The Em Camp!

Specifically the posts Spaztic Sense and Close-mindedness I can't link to specific posts within Ems blog and I hope that she doesn't mind that I've linked to her and pointed these out.

Spaztic Sense~ "People are afraid, afraid to be themselves. Afraid to calm down, afraid to smile, afraid to work, afraid to relax, afraid to just play. Some people think too much, some people don't think enough.
Sure, you get wrapped up in things and your legs get tangled around the trivial things in life. Quit walking like that, you look like a goof. Oh wait, I'm the one walking like a goof! Go figure. Hahahaha!"

Close-mindedness~ This blog is a bit long to copy so I'll simply ask that if you are interested where this is going then please read it as she hits the nail on the head repeatedly ..

Next up is Annah Moore Rightsideout who has come to be a great friend of mine and I look up too immensely. Her blog specifically regarding fear and guilt is great

Fear

After reading these writings I walked away from my computer thinking pretty deeply of not only where I've been in life but where I am right now and how those things affect my thoughts and interactions throughout my days.

If you were to have a child that had a flaw in their genes would you want it corrected? If you had a child that had a birth defect would you want to have it corrected? I find it funny in life that in order to find innocence we easily find it in our children but not the people we interact with everyday of our lives. If our children are flawed we can easily look past the flaws out of love, so why can't we do this with each other.

There is no such thing as a black and white world as some would have us believe. To be different is not something to be ridiculed or frowned upon, but it is something makes the human experience rich and interesting. If we were to break what is different down into basics then why is it so tough to not be able to understand things as such as human sexuality, gender issues, race etc etc etc. It is much more simple to grasp diseases and biological disorders that we do not perceive to be a threat to our own well being. Yet everyday people become ostracized over simply being biologically different out of fear and control.

So here I sit ready to bare my soul and hope that I land on my feet and not my ass. I have a lot to lose in this but I also have a lot to gain in freeing myself the the guilt and fear that Annah's blog spoke of. It is in this freedom that tales will be told true .. Who are true friends and who aren't.

Those who care may not understand but will not ridicule me or judge me. These people can make a world of difference by educating themselves and understanding that it is ok to simply be different.

Those who decide that this subject is wrong, I am a freak for stating this or even that this subject has no place in our world, These are the close minded people that Em speaks of. It is these people that cause people like me to live in fear, shame and guilt inevitably living our lives hating ourselves for things we cannot control. These people were never my friends to begin with because it was obvious they simply didn't care enough about me to take the time to understand people that deal with things such as these. I have no place in my life for people like this ..

So here we go .. The ball is in the readers court now ..

I've spent my life living in fear, guilt and most of all self hatred over a condition known as G.I.D "Gender Identity Disorder" If you have no understanding of the disorder please click the wikipedia link I've provided and read with an open mind. Please go to Annah's site and read again with an open mind and understand that as much as some people hate it, without self acceptance first we spend a lifetime of hating ourselves over that which we cannot control.

A little over a year ago after dealing with suppressing GID over a lifetime I came face to face with my self for the first time and either had to face it or kill myself in the process. I spent a lifetime of filling my life with family, work and music (bands) It was in this I found that keeping myself busy prevented me from thinking and dealing with what I'd felt and known from my earliest childhood memories. I'd often told my wife the 2 things that do not mix well with me in my life is downtime and time to think. These downtimes caused depression for weeks on end and out of fear of dealing I had done my best to keep my life full.

In my past writings here I've mentioned having a child very young and doing everything in my power to raise her to the best of my ability. Shortly before her 19th birthday she moved from my home leaving life to be just my wife and I. This for any couple leads to a time of re-evaluation IE" What now"

For me that loss of family life meant time to think, time to loathe and time to hate myself again. Not that I ever stopped those behaviors they were there daily but purposely suppressed to whatever degree I could. Dealing with these feelings have always led me through depression and bouts of anger and rage emotions that were always very hard for me to control.. In essence going through a period of life of simply hating people and society for my condition..

When given the time to think this time my life spiraled into what could be construed as the worst depression I've ever had because of .. "What now" By July of 2005 I had gotten low enough to admit I don't believe I would have been around this life too much longer and then something happened. Annah Moore's story came to the forefront and made me realize that not only was I not the only person feeling this way, but there were people who have dealt with it in a positive manner. moved on and lived their lives in peace.

After contacting Annah it was in her words that I finally got the courage to seek help and by August I had finally gotten the first help of my life regarding this issue. I owe a lot to
Annah in her compassion and most of all her desire to help others afflicted with this because she at a minimum helped me get my life back to some degree.

If you do not understand how deeply the self hatred can go and write this off as a choice then understand this. In contacting someone who had not only been through this disorder but turned her life around one would assume that you should be able to discuss this openly without judgment. Society teaches us in a manner of self preservation how to be fearful and guilty and even talking to someone with the disorder these emotions were present.. I could not even reveal to Annah who I was and I used a fake email address.

Today I am moving on and most of all happy to be still here to write this blog. I am well aware plenty of people will judge me and probably either hate me or not bother with me anymore but at the end of the day I am tired of ceding control of my life for that of close minded people.

In closing I will state that several people close to me are aware of what I've dealt with/am dealing with and those people have still been true friends to me, it is in those people I am forever grateful. If you know me please understand nothing changes I am still the same person I am just becoming more aware of life ..Please don't treat me any differently, I value my friends.

I'm sure rumors will fly now and negative things will be said, so be it. It is better to not lie about it and be alive then to take my life and have people wonder why.

As Annah's website states

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet I, 3

I'm about to find out who my true friends are ..

Latah people

~K~

It's just another Manic Monday

2008-08-11T08:05:00.005-05:00

Well here we are, off vacation and back to work. Slightly depressing to be getting up at 5am again but I'm happy to say that my week off was a restful one. We didn't do much in the way of vacation stuff, the weather wasn't great so between bursts of rain we would get out on the bikes. When we do stay at home vacations we tend to eat out almost every night and this one was no exception, in fact I'm looking forward to getting back to a more normal eating habit.

Last Wednesday was really cool. We have a local restaurant that opened late last year, it has a really wide variety on the menu but Dee and I tend to go for the bar specials. Specifically we go in for the Wed night pizza special which is a 2 topping pizza for $5.99, how do you beat that? Dee had the great idea to invite our friend Dina along. Dina her husband and I went to high school together and she is the godmother to my daughter. Since learning about my transition plans both her and her hubby have been uber supportive of me.

Wed was nice for me on several fronts, one of which was simply a girls night out. In fact there was some mention of going out once a month like that. I have to admit when dealing with friends who were couples, I get to feeling guilty for leaving the husbands behind. I have to come to the realization that we will now have differing interests or as my friend Cynthia recently put it "You're not part of the boys club anymore Karyn" If anything it was just nice to be out with the girls and feel able to talk freely.

The 2nd part that was really nice was that the people closest to me tend to not notice the changes as easily in me. They still see the features of the old me and when they here stories of me getting addressed in female pronouns they can't seem to wrap their heads around it. While Dina was with us she got to see our waitress address me as she, her and ladies, it certainly made my night to have someone else see that.

Friday Dee and I decided to take advantage of the rainy day so we went to see a movie together. (Like we're ever apart) We decided on seeing the new "Mummy" movie as we both enjoyed the first few. It wasn't a bad movie but it was no where near as good as the first couple. I think it feels to rehashed and stale at times. The action is good and some of the effects are cool.

Saturday morning I was looking at the website for Nashua Harley Davidson and noted something interesting. If you bring in your old dealer's shirts you can trade them in for 25% off a new dealers shirt. A dealer's shirt is simply a Harley shirt and on the back it usually has a dealers name incorporated into the design. This could work out awesome for me as I have an over abundance of of men's Harley dealers shirts that I thought I'd have to either donate or throw away. Now at least I'm able to replace them and get a decent discount! We stopped a the dealer to verify that this was the case and sure enough not only was it the case, the girl behind the counter did't know and she said it was time to clean her closet out!

Saturday night Dee and I took the bikes up to Manchester (Manchvegas) to have dinner with a new friend. Not long ago there was a series of articles in our local paper and Cynthia was one of the people spotlighted. Cyn and I are of similar ages, sense of humor and both dealing with the same thing although her being ahead of me in the process.

When I first read the article I thought it was cool because it showcased local people as well as the Dr's I use. I had no intention of contacting her, I don't like invading other peoples privacy but when I mistakenly came across her My space page and saw she had my Sister Annah on it as her friend so I just had to add her as a friend to my, My space page.

Cynthia and I have been emailing for several months and tried to get together in the past. We were finally able to make this happen on Sat night and we settled on meeting at a BBQ place. I'm so sorry I did't have the chance to get to know Cyn sooner, she is such a bright, charming and witty woman. She playfully refers to herself as mom and with the love and compassion you see that she has for others there is no doubt that she has totally earned that respect. She is definitely a woman I hope to spend a lot more time getting to know and sharing some laughs with.

Cynthia reads my blog faithfully to see how I am doing, offer words of encouragement or anything else that I may need. She made it a point to tell me that when she looks at me all she sees is female and that I have nothing to worry about. It was most certainly something nice to hear and I'm hoping I can take some inspiration from her now to finish my journey.

Speaking of My space and my personal page I really need to get off my butt and start changing it over to more Karyn and less Kevin. This is the last "Webpage" I have that doesn't totally reflect what has been going on with me and was designed primarily around my love of guitar.

Sunday was a down day for Dee and I. We finally got the chance to visit with my friend Bob and spend time with his new son. Like Gianna, it is amazing to me how big he has gotten already and how he's at that stage of smiling at you which is so cute. Bob and his wife look incredibly happy and they are falling into their new family role well.

Last night was the first time I've cooked in over a week so we decided to have some homemade soup in bread bowls. Cooking has always been and seems to have gotten even more of a love of mine. We decided for miss fussy pants (Dee) that I would make her a cheese and broccoli soup and for myself I did spicy chicken fiesta soup. They came out pretty awesome if I do say so myself (and I did!)

Yesterday a friend of mine was interviewed by 20/20 for a future episode. I'm not going to discuss who or why yet but I am totally proud of her for stepping forward and telling her story. If she helps just one person it will be worth it. When I am finally able I will release the info here. Until that point I spoke to her after it was done last night and she seemed to be incredibly at ease with the interview.

Lastly and probably not the best part, I could't get to sleep last night and I did't fall asleep until 1:AM or so. Add in the fact that I get up at 5 am and today is my first day back you can well imagine how I am feeling right about now. Tonight will certainly be a rest night.

Karyn

Bikes,Trucks and Bread

2008-08-04T21:36:00.003-05:00

I'd like to thank Lori, Sam, Veronique, Kathy and whomever else took the time to write and comment about the last blog. While I have a hard time believing that I look ok, it is always nice to hear from others that they feel I do. I'm not totally sold on spending the money on the vest yet but I am seriously considering it!! Who knows maybe that will be the next posted picture.

While emailing with my friend Cynthia today I mentioned one of the things that happened over the weekend shortly after we left the Harley Dealer. She has encouraged me to blog it and share it so here we go.

After leaving Harley on Sat, Dee and I wanted to go to get some bread and english muffins at our local outlet. We both hopped on our bikes and started heading out towards the store. At one point we were on a divided highway 3 lanes wide, in the left lane. We needed to take a left onto a through way that goes over the river into our town.

As we pulled up to the light to wait for our turn as I said we were in the left lane and I was on the left of Dee. As we sat at the light a big pickup truck pulled up next to Dee and apparently he was feeling a bit flirtatious as I heard him talk to Dee. "Nice day for a ride, You look mighty fine on those machines" he told Dee. She looked over, smiled and said thank you. She's used to this happening for obvious reasons, cute little blond on a bike.

As I sat at the light listening to this I thought to myself how I'll never get used to guys flirting with my wife, right in front of me. This was never a problem when I was "Visually male" and usually looking like what we refer to as a dirt bag when I'm on my bike. :o)

Then a funny thing happened that tore me from my thought. He chimed up a little louder for me to hear. I was talking about BOTH of you, you BOTH look fine on those machines!!

Well I must have turned the same shade of red that the stop light was because Dee looked at me and just launched herself into a fit of laughter and continued that ALL THE WAY TO THE BREAD STORE!

I guess I don't have to worry about guys flirting with my beautiful Dee as much as worrying about them flirting with me. Truth be told, I had a smile on my face for the rest of the morning!

Karyn

Big Sister's acceptance

2008-08-03T06:41:00.004-05:00

Apparently my sister has decided that I need a new hairstyle. She's very into photography and playing with graphics so she decided to see what I looked like in a new hairstyle. You will all have to let me know what you think

Awesome huh? I never pictured myself as a glittery girl .. I almost pee'd my pants when I saw it and I think I'm still laughing!

My sister had been wonderful to me since she found out. When I first told her she didn't understand it but wanted to be able to and she wanted to show me that no matter what that she still loved me. Shortly after she found out, I received a message from her asking to get to know her new sister. I think when I got that; I almost cried with not only relief, but the fact that she just opened her heart so easily. I'm totally hoping as time evolves that we can share a lot of moments that we have missed out on over the years.

I've added a new link under my blog roll. TransCanada is a blog from a t-sister who like me, remains committed, married and in love with her wife. Veronique is an awesome chick and I hope you'll find her blog interesting.

Tonight Dee and I are supposed to be getting our granddaughter over night. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and spending time with her. 2 days ago I got a picture by cellphone and she was standing!! It's amazing how big she has gotten and how much in love with her both Dee and I are. It's almost like watching our own daughter grow all over again ...

Yesterday Dee and I went to panera for bagels in the am and then over to our local Harley dealer to look at clothes. I used to have a leather riding vest that I had to give away because I dropped 50 pounds. I've never replaced it because of the impending transition. Yesterday I saw an awesome women's leather vest with Harley Davidson scroll on the back. I cringed when I saw the price! $130! Dee wants me to get it but honestly I have such a hard time spending that kind of money on myself. I think the only time I've ever spent big money easily was way back as a teenager when it didn't matter!

Well enough for now I guess, time to resume my "staycation". Time for a shower, off to the farm for fresh veggies and hopefully get some housework done. We are having salads tonight for dinner so maybe we'll grab some steak tips for them as well. At any rate I hope all of you are having a kick ass Sunday!

Karyn

Learning new things

2008-08-01T09:44:00.003-05:00

Well it's been a bit of a long week, not bad; just long! After posting the last blog about being stared at I got some really cool emails and thoughts on the subject. Funny enough when I went to my monthly counseling session Wed night the counselor came up with the same conclusion without knowing what others had stated to me. It was actually a bit eerie. What I'm about to talk about I've debated all week as to whether or not I wanted to share it. I felt it was better to share and be honest than not and not have it as part of the story.

After it was pointed out to me in email I decided to research and read a bit, low and behold I fit the description perfectly and it made so much sense. One of my dear sisters pointed out that I might be an "empath" Sure enough this was exactly what my counselor pointed out as well. The only difference was that my counselor felt that it became for a part of my life because of my upbringing. I'll explain more later.

For those who are unaware of what an empath is, he is the wiki link on it

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empath

Now I'd be the first to admit that paranormal stuff never played much of a role in my thoughts, I've never really formed an opinion. After talking to my friends and counselor I was able to relate it to a book that I'd read called "the gift of fear"

The premise of fear is that it is designed to keep us safe. In the animal world it is used everyday as a tool for survival. Just pay attention to how any animal reacts to changes in its environment. Every small vibration and sound is analyzed for potential threats and the animal reacts to protect itself. Sometimes it makes mistakes and pays the hefty price for it.

The idea that this exists in humans isn't so far fetched, we are just evolved animals. The idea in the book was that at any given time we have the ability to sense danger in our environment or space. All too often we hear a victim of violent crime say that something just didn't feel right but I went in anyway or I ignored it. This is the same reflex that animals have with the exception that animals haven't acclimated themselves to ignoring their senses, humans have. All to often we get that feeling in our gut and we suppress it and ignore it only to realize that it was a bad decision. It's simply an intuition that we have but we do not nurture.

Having empathy and being able to easily sense emotion in other people isn't much different. A change of voice, body posture, facial expression or any other change forces us to evaluate the emotion of the other person. For an empath" this ability is amplified and they sense it much easier than most. Like the "gift of fear" it is nature's gift of emotional intuition.

I've always from a very young age been a very sensitive person. Sensitive to changes in other people and my own. I can easily sense changes in an instance and at times that sense can be very emotionally exhausting for me. But it was something I'd never fully paid attention too, it was just the way I was, until someone pointed out why.

After sitting with my therapist she explained that the reason I had probably learned to tune into this sense is out of survival. As a child my mom was a very bitter emotional woman that at the drop of a hat could go from being happy to being explosively angered. A lot of times this anger would end in emotional or physical abuse of yours truly. In this negative issue I learned to pay close attention to the changes within my environment. When I was a child we would liken the change in my mom to "walking on eggshells". All to often I would try to get a vibe of what she was like before I would ever approach her to talk to her. Out of this need for self-protection I learned how to read people.

As a teenager I learned to shutdown and not deal with things when it came to my mom. She never understood quite why I'd done that and to this day it's always been on my shoulders and not of her issues.

When I met my wife I would often tell her that the gateway to the soul was through the eyes. That is to say that you could tell a lot about a persons character simply by their eyes and I was quite good at this. Over the years I've had very few true friends but a lot of acquaintances from this very issue. I just didn't trust easily and used my intuition to guide me.

As a child my mom would often tell others that she felt I was a very good judge of character but didn't understand how or why I was. I would easily make up my mind in an instant as to whether I liked or disliked a person or even trusted them. In the cases where I would tell her I didn't like someone I usually ended up being correct.

As people have read here that I have had some troubles getting out full time this was finally related as to why this is happening to me. Anne felt that being so sensitive to others feelings and the environment around me that it was emotionally stalling me. It wasn't because of how I would see or fear people reacting but because I could feel the changes around me and it scared me.

While I don't know if I can use this info to go full time it explains a lot about why I feel the way I do in a lot of situations throughout my life. If anything it is really cool to be able to put a piece of the puzzle together and just understand what makes me who I am.

Last up, it's Friday and I'm off next week. I'm looking forward to the time off to regenerate, as I've been not feeling like myself lately. I've found myself to be very irritable over the last week or so, hopefully the time off will do me good. If anything I tend to think this is coming from this last path I need to walk towards full time and letting go of the old. I've noticed that over time I've felt like I am stalled or stagnant then I see a huge emotional change in myself. Generally this change is preceded by a sudden "I've had enough time to move to the next level". I guess you could say this has been the only down side to the baby steps approach. If anything hopefully this is the start of the end …

Karyn

Feeling aware ...

2008-07-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

I don't know if it is just in my head or I'm now living in a state of heightened awareness. I'd known since I start hormones that my sense of personal space had changed. I became much more aware of my personal space and the people who invade it. At times without hearing anyone come in the room and noticing they were there I could feel their presence behind me, I could literally feel their being. I swear sometimes it is like something out of a star wars novel.

Sunday morning as usual we got up and had a nice breakfast. Generally we end up going out on Sunday morning but this weekend we had decided to stay in and have a nice breakfast at home. Honestly I could have used a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa! After breakfast we decided what to do for the day and headed off to grab our groceries. Dee also wanted to go shopping for some new sneakers.

We decided to hit our local Hannaford and get what we needed for the week. When we arrived there it was amazing to see so many people doing their shopping. We had gotten a later start Sunday, usually we are shopping by 9am; this time it was more like 11

I don't know who he was, nor do I care to know. I could feel his presence, I could feel his stare and I could feel anger and hatred. Sure enough when I turned around I was being started at in a very intense manner. I couldn't figure out which spooked me more, the fact that he had that intense stare or that I could feel his anger.

Every turn I would go back to my own business and without seeing him I could feel his presence whenever I would come into his view. It had to be one of the most unnerving feelings that I have ever experienced.

When I pointed this out to Dee she looked at him for a few minutes and simply said "He's mad at the world for some reason" Somehow I think she was right. My instinct for a brief moment slipped back into the old me and I wanted to confront him, but I know that now that would be the foolish thing to do as I am no where near the strength I used to have and even then I wasn't terribly strong.

I don't profess to have any weird gift and quite honestly I've never gotten into the whole psychic ability thing. There's no denying what I felt though, it was too real and too charged to not be.

~K~

R.I.P Professor Randy Pausch

2008-07-26T07:24:00.006-05:00

October 23, 1960 – July 25, 2008

Someone who through his own life struggle actually got it. His words were not only influential but they should be how we all live our lives. He unselfishly wanted to show people what really matters ..

http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

boom boom out go the lights

2008-07-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

The weather is crazy here today, we are having amazing thunderstorms pop through. At one point our whole building shook from the boom and the power flickered. I am never bored when it comes to a thunderstorm, I'm so in awe of the power they produce in a relatively short amount of time. If this keeps up I expect the power to go out at some point today…

In a bazaar turn of events my coworker has started referring to me in feminine pronouns out of the blue today. I am so happy to hear this as I haven't requested that happen here yet as I'm not out a work. He told me that he has wanted to start but was trying to be mindful not wanting to slip if the wrong people were I the room. He's done a good job of not judging me and he's been somewhat protective of me here since he's known. At one point he mentioned to another coworker who knows that he doesn't believe this is a choice. He has stated that there is such a difference in my everyday demeanor that there has to be something to it. It is so nice to have someone look against the grain to see the truth when it comes to gender variant issues.

Today Dee had left work to take my granddaughter to her Dr's appointment. My daughter has gotten herself a new job and because she just started she didn't want to make a bad impression by taking time off. Dee working for the Govt she has more time than she knows what to do with and enjoys taking care of GG. The other day as we were flipping through some recent pictures she commented how much she loves her granddaughter. It was so heartwarming to hear…

I have another blog I've been tossing around in my head about sexuality. I've been thinking about this for sometime and I actually had a rough draft written quite a while ago. I'm not sure that I should post it. While I don't mind being open about things I often wonder if there needs to be a line drawn somewhere.

I think one of the things that has amazed some of the people closest to me is the fact that I'm so open to answering questions now, even if slightly personal. To know me as Kev you would have known a person that was incredibly private and reserved about personal things. I was like that for obvious reasons, mainly keeping people at a distance so they wouldn't fully "know" my secret or me. Ever since I started stepping out of my box and stripping the payers of Kev away I have become much more open to people and I actually love it. It leaves little room for secrets and lets face it , secrets are just baggage. It is one of the freest feelings that I think I've found in transition …

~Karyn~

Happy Hump day

2008-07-23T09:30:00.002-05:00

Happy hump day everyone!! The weather has been a bit odd this past week as it has gotten really humid and we have had a lot of spot thundershowers. It hasn't made good biking weather so I've been grounded to 4 wheels until it gets better. I have to say that the lighting at times has been amazing!

If you notice to the left I've added a new blog roll for the wives of my Trans Sisters. I've have always been lucky in having unconditional love from Dee and yet at the same time I have everyone around me pointing out just how lucky I really am. While I believe I am lucky in one sense I also believe I am on equal ground with my sweetheart as well. Telling me how lucky I am only makes me feel like I have nothing to bring to the table in this relationship and it is all one sided. Heck Dee tells me all the time that life with me is never boring … Wonder if that really is a compliment??

The point is, I want people to see that there are other relationships that weather the storm and sometimes love actually does go deeper than what are inside someone shorts. Not long ago as I read a news story about a trans issue that I happened upon the comment section. In one of the comments there were 2 posters who were jabbing back and forth and the answer given astounded me that someone could be so shallow in a relationship.

The question was:

"You mean to tell me if your husband was in a bad accident and lost his penis that you would leave him?"

The answer was so pathetic that it bothers me to this day…

"Yes, I'd leave him"

While the person was trying to prove a point that love should be more than just a physical connection that you wouldn't walk out in a different circumstance with the same results. How sad a marriage that must be.

Hopefully the blogs that are listed over time will show both the positive parts of these relationships and also the struggles. If they help just one new couple survive then it is worth the effort.

This past weekend was my Granddaughter Gianna's 1st birthday party. I cannot believe it has been 1 full year already. These past few years have seemingly dragged for me and yet at the same time sped by. I say dragged because I always feel like I should be further along in transition and yet I know that I've covered so much ground already, especially when I sit and reflect on it.

One of the next things I need to start soon is conventional electrolysis to get rid of the gray that was left over from the laser. I'd been waiting to see how much of the dark hair might return and give my skin a decent amount of time to heal from the last laser shots. I'm happy to report that so far only a few single pieces of dark have re-emerged. I'm not looking forward to this next phase and I've been avoiding it for some time.

Other than that I can't say there is too much new at the moment ..

~K~

Busy weekend/ End of an era I hope

2008-07-16T06:25:00.000-05:00

Everyone has up days and down days, I'm not different; yesterday was a down day and today is looking up.

We had a busy weekend this past weekend. On Saturday my wife's family threw a 70th birthday bash for my father in law. It turned out to be a really good day and almost everyone invited showed up. What's better is that my father in law had a blast.

When the invited went out it state time of party was 2 pm but the end was whenever Dick fell asleep. Funny enough with all the alcohol he drank that day he was still up after everyone had gone home for the day, not bad for 70!

One of the things my father in law wanted to buy not long ago was an electric lawnmower. It was lighter and easier for him to get from his basement and then it didn't require gasoline to run so going green was a plus. My mother in law told him flat out no that he wasn't spending the money on it so for his birthday we all chipped in and bought him the mower. He was very happy indeed…

Sunday was a bit hard on me because I had a Christening to attend for one of my best friend's new sons. There's were a few reasons for me having a hard time with this

1) Because I'm simply not comfortable in a catholic church
2) I would have to fully present as Kevin because not everyone knew about me.

It wasn't my day, it wasn't about me and I wanted to do what I could to be there for my friend. I knew having to go backwards would do a number on me emotionally but I felt that out of respect for my friend I had no alternatives.

Anyone that knows me understands that I have a hard time being in pictures right now and especially because of the attire I had to wear. So when asked if I wanted to take pictures with his son I politely declined which apparently offended my friend. Even after I was asked why and explained it to him he was still offended by it. It would appear that pictures with me were a lot more important than my emotional well being and for that I got terribly hurt.

One of the other issues that arose was back when he knew that I was changing my name and I told him I got an email response back that stated "Well for now and probably forever, I'm going to call you Kev". Again instead of worrying about my emotional well being it was more important for him to preserve the past. For me it was not only disrespectful but incredibly hurtful. How anyone who cared about me could understand what having GID means and yet not care what that could do emotionally is beyond me. So for the better part of Sunday Monday and Tuesday I had been incredibly down and feeling like I needed to worry about my friends feelings over my own …

Sunday night was a gorgeous night so Dee and I did something we haven't done in a while but we love. We slapped the passenger seat on my bike and headed out for a nice long night ride. During the summer months this is one of the nicest ways to get lost within ones self. In fact it is one or the rare times where it is so quiet out all you can here is the rumble of the bike and even though there are 2 people on it, you can get lost in yourself at the same time.

The air was warm and slightly humid and it was slightly overcast but that didn't hamper the rode we had taken. We left our house at 10:15 pm and didn't walk back in until 11:45. I always feel like those types of rides are the chicken soup for the soul. As you pass each individual parcel of land new smells become aware to you, fresh cut grass, the floral smell of flowers and the damp night air. It doesn't get anymore relaxing than that.

This past weekend has its ups and down but for the most part it was a good weekend. It was also the weekend I made a pledge that it would be the very last time that I was Kev for anyone. Hopefully now I can concentrate on going fulltime and finally moving on with my life.

This next Sat is another big milestone for my family. My daring granddaughter turns 1 year old and we are going to my daughter's place to celebrate it. I have to admit that Gianna has been one of my greatest sources of joy for the past year. I'm so amazed that one year has passed already….

Here's to looking up and feeling good, time to move on my friends and live ….
Rock on
Karyn

Ouch!

2008-07-10T09:08:00.001-05:00

One of the goals of HRT is to transform our bodies to more align with the gender our brains tell us it is. It is dependent up age and our own bodies’ reaction to the chemical change. For most of us over 40 the changes lessen than someone who is much younger, at that point testosterone has done a vast amount of damage already.

One of the changes I wanted to talk about today was the change in skin. Over the last 2 years I have noticed an incredible difference in my skin, hair and nails. One of my most favorite is the much softer feel and texture of my skin. In this change as the skin softens it thins out and gets a layer of fat deposit underneath giving it an almost healthy glow. What I am finding with the thinning of the skin is something that perplexed me for years about my wife “Bruising!”

At various times over the years I would notice a bruise on my wife’s leg or arm and would always ask “Hey, where did ya get the bruise?” and the standard answer was always “I have no idea!”

Now this answer would always throw me for a loop because in my experience over the years if I got bruised, there was certainly a blow that I’d felt to cause it; they didn’t just APPEAR!

This past weekend after getting home I went upstairs to put on a pair of shorts and a light top to just kind of be lazy in as we got quiet for the evening. When I sat down in the chair and crossed my legs I got the glimpse of a deep purple bruise and as you may have guessed my wife asked; “Where’d ya get the bruise?”

Well you can imagine my dismay to have to give the answer “I have no idea!” and suddenly my minds shot back through all those time I would wonder how Dee could possibly injure herself and not know.

Now I understand completely the difference in male and female skin thickness!

Oh and I swear I heard the phrase “a little egg on your face” muttered from her lips somewhere in there as well!

~Karyn~

New pic

2008-07-09T19:21:00.003-05:00

New picture taken tonight. Hope I look ok...
~K~

Some people

2008-07-09T11:29:00.002-05:00

Some days I just don’t get people. This morning my coworker and I got into a discussion about some others who have decided that they don’t agree with what I’m doing, one of which is his wife. Last Friday night they caught the show on 20/20 about Transgender children and his wife (We’ll call her "A") felt really bad for the kids that were on the show. She felt that people needed to be accepting of those kids and help them through to live, as they needed to live. When the conversation turned to me it was a much different story.

A’s premise is that because I outwardly projected male for most of my life then I should remain that way and it is sick of me to change it. Apparently it makes no difference to her that 37 years ago that child on 20/20 could have been me. Why do we have compassion for children yet not for adults afflicted with the same issue? Just because we view children as helpless? Do we have the same compassion for an Autistic adult that we would have for the child afflicted with the same defect? It never ceases to amaze me how people can draw a line such as this.

Another friend’s wife keeps driving home the fact to him that I’m "Making a mistake" So if my transitioning is such a mistake was the bullet the right choice instead? It never ceases to amaze me that everyone is an expert on what I’m dealing with and how I should live but they cannot fix their own lives. This particular woman lives daily with depression and literally walks around miserable everyday. This is to the point it impacts her marriage in a very negative way. Yet, she insists that my DR’s are "Brainwashing me" and "Stealing my money"

I’m not sure I understand what people think we are supposed to do. If we get treatment then we are wrong, brainwashed, making a mistake or whatever but if we were to take our lives because of it then it would be tragic. With some we get stuck between a rock and a hard place and no matter which path we are presented with there is no decision that makes everyone happy. Under those circumstances then who should be the happy one? I can answer that; ME!
I’m not taking the path that I am to hurt anyone, force anyone to think differently, to make him or her uncomfortable or even challenge what little intellect they might have. I’m simply trying to SURVIVE and in a manner that makes my own life bearable and conducive to my thoughts and feelings.

Grow up people, not everything is about you and what you want!

~K~

busy weekend

2008-06-30T09:19:00.001-05:00

Well we had a busy but dull weekend. Friday night we decided to try a new Chinese restaurant in town. Dee has NEVER tried a scorpion bowl before so she was dying to try one. I have to admit the food there was pretty damn good, seems like we have a new Chinese restaurant as a favorite now. This was the first time I've had that type of food where something wasn't incredibly greasy. Usually I shy away from that stuff but this food was really light ..it was awesome!

Friday before dinner I had a follow up appointment with my Dr. This was the first one where my name is legally changed so I had more paperwork to fill out. She said that my blood tests looked really good. My hormone levels and liver function were excellent. My blood pressure was perfect as well. The only weird thing and it was really funny this came up because Annah and I had been discussing this recently. I lost 1" of height! I'm down to 5' 8" now.

So if any of you girls have experience with that let me know..

The last part of the appointment the Dr turned to me and asked "You're over 40 right?" well yeah ..unfortunately I am. Well I think the next words almost knocked me off the table and in fact Dee probably had a good laugh at the look on my face. She said .. "You need to get a mammogram" ..

Now, I totally understand the importance of having one done and I'm not knocking the reasoning but this took me by surprise. I never thought I'd be having one so soon … Damn

The rest of the weekend was spent running around and getting Dee's Harley back on track. So as of yesterday it is repaired!! I swear I could do that job in my sleep now. As we were working on her bike I told Diane I hated doing stuff like this, it makes me feel crappy and reminds me of being male ..go figure ..

Wed os group and I haven't gone in a while. Anne and and another girl are prodding me to go. I guess they feel because of the name change it is a big deal. Not sure what I'm going to do yet, I so hate paying to go to group and listening to problems because it leaves me feeling down.

Anyway, life is good and I'm happy. I now have my motorcycle back to myself …. YAY!!

Karyn

Movin along

2008-06-24T07:30:00.002-05:00

Hello, is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?

Yeah, yeah, I’m in a good mood but most days are like that for me now. Years ago those days would be far and few between and even at that it would never be consistent. We had a pretty decent weekend this weekend. We had originally planned to take the Harley down to the coast for the sandcastle sculpture contest but the weather didn’t feel like co-operating. Basically we had a quiet night at home.

Sat morning Dee had to work and then after she got home we decided to get some long needed yard work done. I decided I needed to get my lawn mowed and some things cleaned up. As I was mowing the lawn I turned onto my street and headed for my driveway for another pass. As I turned in I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye and turned to see the mail truck following me. I nearly jumped off the tractor because she startled me.

As she passed on her way back to deliver my mail she stopped and yelled to me out the window. "You’re a mad woman on that thing!!" She waved, put the mail on the box and off she drove. I sat there a bit perplexed for a moment. She’s been our mail carrier for years, seen me all through my unshaven days and yet she used the proper wording. It definitely left a smile on my face and I happily finished my work.

Sat night we had plans to take the motorcycle with Dee’s parents and head up to the Anheiser Busch factory for what is dubbed "Ribfest". Basically Ribfest is a big BBQ competition and a festival all combined. As we walked in the gate we were told if we intended to buy beer we had to get pre-checked and get wristbands to show we were ID’d This would be the first time I’ve used the ID as Karyn so I was incredibly nervous. NH hasn’t caught up to other state yet so even though it says "Karyn A" is also has a little "M" down on the bottom. But honestly, it went off without a hitch.

My new paperwork and cards are slowly tricking in, I’ve already gotten my new Social Security card and yesterday I got my first of 2 debit cards in my new name. I think it is starting to become less surreal now and reality is slowly settling in. I told Diane when my other debit card comes in that I’m taking her to dinner because I haven’t signed a dinner check in 2 years LOL! It was nerve wracking having a waitress refer to me as "She" and then having to hand them a card with the name Kevin on it. Not long ago my coworker and I went to lunch at a local bar and when the check come I paid using my card. The girl ran it and when she returned she pushed it towards him. She was quite perplexed when I was the one who grabbed it and signed it. :o)
Sunday Dee and I headed out to our local farm to gets some fresh fruits and veggies. We got stuff as usual to do our fresh salads but while we were there the strawberries looked so tempting so we got a quart. When we got home we chopped them up and I put a little sugar over them to get the juices to make is nice syrup. Then we realized we forgot vanilla ice cream so out we went to the store.

On the way home we noticed a rainbow in the distance and marveled at its beauty. It was the first of the season for us that we noticed. As we were turning onto the last main road I noticed that I could see the WHOLE rainbow end to end. It was the first time in my life I’d ever been able to see the whole thing. Being in the area that we are it tends to be rather hilly so all we ever see is ½ of a rainbow beaming out of the clouds. I so wish I had my camera for this one …. It was so awesome to see …

Oh yeah the Strawberry sundaes were awesome too!

Anyway I guess that’s where life is for now … not too bad eh?

Karyn

Watching a friends strength

2008-06-19T06:20:00.002-05:00

I wanted to take a moment and write about a dear friend of mine that has been one of the strongest women I know. I met Kristi in 2004 through her Husband Todd who was one of 4 people that used to run the JCF with me. Both of these people have been a huge inspiration in my own struggle with Kristi being the one who could relate to what I was going through on a much different level.

In 2003 a then unknown assailant sexually assaulted my friend in her own apartment. In 2005 it would turn out that the person who was suspected of the crimes was actually a police officer. Over the course of several years it would come to light that this sick individual assaulted at least 4 women and stalked a 5th.

Any assault can have a drastic affect on a human being but to have to endure the things that these women had to be beyond belief and yet as hard as it was, my sweet friend fought her way back and regained control of her life.

In 2006 when it came time for me to start talking about my story Kristi was one of the first people to embrace me, make me feel normal and could relate to me on the perils of dealing with therapy. While my story pales in comparison to hers, it was in her determination and strength to come back to life that gave me an incentive to be stronger in mine.

This past month has been incredibly tough on my friend as she has had to endure getting on the stand and testifying against her attacker and deal with the vast amount of press coverage that has been thrown into the spotlight. As hard as this has been on her she has done an excellent job of keeping her composure and most of all realizing that she alone is in control of her life. At times reading different press articles has been hard on her as one would expect and with every new printed word we would discuss our thoughts on things never wavering from the belief that this scumbag would be found guilty.

Monday Kristi made her final appearance in court to watch the jury take the case into deliberations and then spent several days on the edge of her seat praying for her justice. That justice came yesterday in the guilty verdict on 35 separate counts. My hope for her this am is that she awakens with a much lighter weight on her shoulders.

As I sit here and write this I'm incredibly proud of her for her strength and determination to get the justice she deserved and most of all be who she is today. It takes an awesome human being to be compassionate and a source of support all while keeping it together. I am in awe of her and only hope that I can learn to be ½ the woman that she is.

If you want to read more of the story the articles are all here

http://www.pantagraph.com/pelo/

Kristi, thank you for being my friend throughout such an incredibly difficult time and remember how proud I am to know you…

Your friend/sister
Karyn