20 questions with Dee

The one thing that drives me crazy about my wife is that she doesn't take the time to write and share her side of things. I had hoped that her experiences in this would be something that could help other spouses understand and deal with things. Diane's issue is that she doesn't feel as though she is a good enough writer to carry her blog.

Last night while I was showering and thinking about her lack of updates I had a cute idea. Without telling her anything I decided to email her 20 quick questions and figured I'd share the answers. I didn't tell her in advanced because I wanted the answers to be sincere and not skewed by thoughts that other people would be seeing them. So here they are

1) What was it that attracted you to Kevin? -

His eyes

2) How did it feel when you found out about Kevin’s feminine side? -

I thought it was kewl, our little secret. Now I think its awesome that others know.

3) What makes you so attracted to Karyn? -

she's goofy, extremely sexy eyes, she's smart, the way she looks at life now, the way she looks at me, she smells awesome as well. Its tough to say cause there are a ton of things that attract me to Karyn.

4) Why did you decide to be so supportive of Karyn’s transition? -

It was unconditional love

5) What were your favorite qualities in Kevin? -

That's a tough one.....well there was one, he wouldn't say no to the things that I liked or liked to do. I'm sure that there are others, but right now I can't think of them.

6) What are your favorite qualities in Karyn? -

The way she looks at things, the fact that she took over the cooking :o) , the fact that she doesn't say no to the things that I like or like to do.

7) Did you ever consider leaving when you found out? -

Not one second because I love her very much. She is my soul mate!

8) Which persona is more fun to be around? Kevin/Karyn -

Karyn most definitely,

9) Do you ever miss Kevin? -

no.

10) What did you dislike most about Kevin -

The temper.

11) What do you wish you could change about Karyn? -

That she could get that confidence and just be herself 100% of the time.

12) Who is more girlish, you or Karyn? -

Karyn most definitely.

13) Who is more romantic? -

Karyn most definitely.

14) If you could learn any 1 thing from Karyn what would it be? -

Tough to say because because I'm pretty open about a lot of things. What I wish other's would learn from Karyn is that life is too short, so you have to live for yourself.

15) Do you view Karyn’s transition as a necessary issue? -

Yes because if she stayed the other way, I believe that in a few short years that I wouldn't have her.

16) What would you say are your favorite changes? -

The fact that she now takes care of herself and the way her skin feels and how nice she always smells.

17) Do you ever worry that Karyn will suddenly decide she likes men? -

No because I feel the commitment and the love that Karyn has to offer me.

18) Do you ever miss having a typical male/female relationship? -

No because I believe that Karyn has always been around but has just been hidden.

19) Do you feel you are more bonded to Karyn now? -

Yes most definitely!

20) If you could have Kevin back would you want him? -

No because Karyn is a much better person to be around and fun as well.



Hope you find this as interesting as I have...

~Karyn~

Old fears revisited

Back in the summer of 1994 I had 2 major incidents that sent me running to the hospital, one of which was nearly fatal. The first one in April of that year left me with a scar on my right wrist. I had actually slid in my stocking feet (not intentionally) and my right hand went through our storm door window, which left me with a severed artery and a severed ulner tendon.

Now before you assume that was the one that almost killed me think again, it wasn't. In August of that year I had finally rehabilitated my wrist and was coaching Methuen youth tea-ball back in my old community. I had promised to do so because my daughter wanted to play ball that year and on occasion we would go out in our front yard to practice.

One hot New England afternoon we were playing ball in the front yard and I had hit the ball pretty hard, Jess had run into the woods to get it. I remember hearing her ungodly screams as she ran towards me and I caught a glimpse or a swarm of bees attacking her. I did my best to clear her off, get her in the house under a cool shower and while Diane tended to her I called the emergency room so they could tell me what to do. The official count of stings she would have received was in the area of 21/23 stings.

After hanging up the phone of being apprised of the symptoms to watch out for I myself started feeling funny. In the course of trying to protect my daughter I had gotten stung once on my arm and never having been allergic to bees I had no fear of it. That was before I had ever experience anaphylactic shock.

By the time I was within a mile of the hospital (Diane drove us through rush hour) I had already gone blind, my breathing was very shallow and I remembered uttering the words to Diane "Sorry hon, I'm not going to make it"

As Diane pulled up to the front of the hospital she yelled at me "we're here go ahead" and I remember telling her I couldn't because I was blind. She raced into the E.R to find help. I don't remember much more other than waking up as I faded pretty quickly and I never even recollect being pulled from the truck.

When I awoke I was told it had been pretty severe, they had to double dose me to get me back and that I'd be fine. I've lived with that burned in memory to this day and to be honest, I'd rather fall through the window again than to suffer that shock. What I can tell you is for my experience, death is a very calming feeling. There is no panic, there is nothing more than a fading feeling and memories of the people you love.

Yesterday Diane and I decided to take a run about 20 miles north to a Harley dealer we frequent. How would I have known they would be closed ("Ya could've called" <- old verizon commercial)

On the way back Diane was diagonal to me about 30 feet in front to the right side of the lane when I felt something hit me in the throat and slide into my shirt. It was followed by some of the most intense pain I have felt in a long time, it was stabbing me just above my right breast just towards the thorax.(ie center of the chest) . I immediately grabbed my shirt hoping to grasp whatever was causing me the pain. And proceeded to drive by Diane and turn into a church parking lot. Unfortunately for her it was too quick of a turn and she had to go straight.

When I got off the bike and shook my shirt you can imagine the thought when the yellow jacket fell out and onto the ground. It followed by me stomping on it feeling like I may had just fallen victim again and I had no epi-pens with me in case of symptoms.

The next glimpse Diane saw as she pulled out of a side street was my bike flying by her on my way back to our house. At that point I was looking at about a 4-mile ride. She did the best that she could to follow in toe and catch up. When I hit the red light around the corner she pulled up asking what was wrong assuming I was upset about something. Apparently she hadn't noticed me slumped over the tank of the bike in pain during the ride.

I'm happy to say as dramatic as it sounds and as it was, I am ok. I did not have any symptoms of shock that I previously had. This doesn't meant he sting didn't totally affect me, I'm quite sore across the right side of my chest, itchy and I have a slight headache but alas, I am alive!

I told Dee gleefully last night that I'm not ready to check out quite yet, I still have a lot of life to live. What a far cry from a few years ago when I wouldn't carry a pen because I welcomed the outcome. Now I just forget it out of stupidity!

How much things change but yet they stay the same!

Hope your Labor Day was a nice one!

Karyn

Just stopping by

As I sit here and type this it is 5 minutes to 10pm on Sunday evening. I am totally wiped out as we had a busy family day today. I got to spend some quality time with my granddaughter which is always an awesome thing, I love watching her progression. I continue to be grateful to be here to see and feel everything associated with being a grandparent.

Yesterday I had my 2nd electrolysis appointment. I ended up being 15 minutes late because I thought it was for 10:30 am and it was scheduled for 10:15 am. I guess that's not a bad thing considering just a week ago I told her it was convenient that she was only 5 minutes from my home and I'd have no excuse for being late.

Again not much pain to deal with, I think there were only 2 zaps that I felt but even those were not unbearable at all. Today it feels a bit like a bruise but it isn't so bad. My skin seems to react well to the treatment and you cannot even tell that I've had anything done.

When I first started laser my skin would go through acne breakouts after the treatment. I don't know if it was oils being released to sooth the skin from the trauma or what but it was awful to deal with. So far, within an hour of being finished you couldn't even tell. She hasn't quite cleared all the hair on my frontal chin but she has definitely put a dent in it. Shaving that area this week seems to be easier and that was one of the suckier parts of my face to shave. Hopefully I get a full hour in next Sat and she is able to clear most of the frontal hair.

So far I'm not minding going to these appointments. It's tolerable and she seems to be a very warm interesting girl who can speak about any number of topics. It certainly passes the time. The only thing that sucks is that by the time an hour is up my back is sore from lying on the table.

Yesterday morning Dee and I headed over to Panera for our Sat morning bagels and coffee day. We sat in the window to people watch as usual. At one point a lady came in with a teenage daughter, ordered their breakfast and sat 2 tables behind Dee.

Diane wanted to being bagels home so she got up to throw the trash away and head up to the counter and I noticed the lady intently staring at her as she walked by to the point of turning to watch her as she was past. I had been thinking to myself what the hell is up with this, figuring that something must be up. When she turned to her daughter I was able to catch a hint of the conversation and the lady comment "Now she is a really pretty girl" to her daughter. When Diane came back I told her and she had an awesome smile on her face.

As much as I adore Diane and I have always believed her to be drop dead gorgeous, she has never felt that way about herself. In my opinion Diane is one of those women who can go working on cars with guys to wearing a dress and shine in the process. She has a natural beauty that I am constantly in awe of. Whether she has no makeup or she is completely done up she has never had an issue turning some guys head. I see the same natural beauty in my daughter as well. Thank god for Diane's good genes.

Life has been good this past week and I've been on a nice even keel. I am so happy to finally be able to say that I'm fine, that I'm getting better and that life is good, it's getting better all the time. It might get sickening to hear, but it will never be sickening for me to write.

Karyn

Perception is a funny thing

Years ago before I decided to face my fears and I was living hidden as a male I had an experience that was quite amusing, on the flip side I've had some that were rather annoying. By the same note it also relates to this whole journey now is some strange way. It's how people perceive us, whether it be visually or vocally and how they come to their conclusions of who we are.

Part of the previous topic was how people who don't know me perceive me vs the people who do know me and simply don't see a visual change.

Years ago after buying the home Dee and I currently own we had seen an ad for a waterbed. We already had a queen sized water bed from our first apt but this one was a king, it had a canopy that Diane and always wanted and it was inexpensive. After throwing the idea back and forth decided it couldn't hurt to get more info and maybe look at it. I got the number from the ad and made the phone call.

A young girl answered the phone and I asked her a series of questions about the condition of the bed, the heater, why she wanted to get rid of it etc. After I was satisfied that it was of interest I made an appointment to go see it.

When we arrived at the girls house we went up and the walk and rung the doorbell. As the door opened I introduced my wife and myself and in we went to look at the bed. It the course of the conversation the girl admitted to me that I wasn't what she expected at all. In fact it was quite the opposite of what she expected. Talking to me on the phone she had the sense that I was a businessman and I would show up probably wearing a suit. The reality was that I had hair down to my waist and played in a metal band. The contrast from my manner of speech to my visual just didn't seem to match to her.

At times over the years I would get asked why I had long hair and I'd mention being a guitarist. I'd talk to people about all different subjects with great interest. At times conversations would turn to high school, being a teen and smoking pot. I've readily admitted to anyone who asks that not only do I not do drugs, I've never even tried so much as a joint. This concept often perplexes people, as it just doesn't fit the stereotype. Even after I moved to NH I had the policed called on me and it turned out because I had "long hair"

We as trans people deal with the exact same discrimination in perception because of the damage that the entertainment industry has done of us. People hear the word transgender or transsexual and we automatically become lepers no matter how authentic the inner person really is. Some of us will always live with the visual perception of judgment without ever opening our mouths and yet, we come from all walks of life, all levels of intelligence.

Over time as people come to learn more of the science behind the condition, they will come to be more open to who we are. Hopefully then we will be judged for who we are and not a perception ...

Happy Labor Day peoples …
Karyn

DMV part deux, Zap Zap old friends

Well back to the DMV today for the "retake" and I'm pleasantly surprised, they seem to have finally gotten things under control. As I walked in I noticed a sign that simply said "retakes" The officer that was there the last time happened to be working again and asked me for my letter. Lucky for me I got to jump the line, apparently retakes get priority. It wouldn't have mattered anyway because there was probably 6 people in line and 3 lines working.

The officer took my letter over to one of the girls working the camera and computers, not long after I heard her yell out "KARYN?" It's the first time my name has actually been called out loud in such a manner in front of a room full of people. She snapped my photo and showed it to me, asked me if it was ok (It's a DMV photo, it's never ok!) I then went and stood to the side and waited. KARYN! You're all set!!

In all honestly I went au-natural for my picture. I didn't have any makeup on; in fact I had just gone from work to do this. I let my hair down and made sure it looked decent and went in. Now as I said, eh it's a dmv photo, but I'm happy that it came out much better than the last one and even without makeup my face does look feminine in it so I guess I can live with this one. It does however suck that I'll have been on a cheap paper temp license for a total of 4 months! If anything this redo worked in my favor as I hated the other crappy pic anyway.

This past weekend was quite a busy do nothing weekend. Saturday Dee did her last shift at curves and then as she was getting out I had my first electrolysis appointment to finally take care of the gray hair. To say I was nervous was probably an understatement; I'm a wuss at heart. When I got there I was met by Rita who owns the place and does the zapping. She did her best to calm my nerves and help me feel comfortable which was awesome.

As she was explaining the process, the dos, the don'ts and whatnots we could hear Dee's bike pull up outside (Hey it's a Harley!). When Dee walked in I opened the door to let her in the room and the consult continued. I had set an hour appointment for this session and we ate up about 40 minutes doing all the paperwork and questions so it wouldn't leave more than 20-30 minutes for her to work on me.

As I lay down on the table I mentioned to Rita that there was something familiar about her but I simply couldn't put my finger on it. Seems she thought Diane looked familiar to her as well. When I asked where she was originally from she blurted out my hometown and I mentioned that we were from there as well. When Diane asked her maiden name and Rita gave it I shot up off the table. "Why, do you know the name?" she asked. I mentioned I used to hang around with a girl named Jean in high school and it turned out to be her sister. I knew her family! No wonder it made sense that there was a familiarity about her.

What turned out to be even more funny was that she said in an email that her and her sister used to get picked up and driven to school by a kid named Pete and another kid. That kid was actually me .. LOL Again small world!

Rita commenced to explaining what she was doing as she did it and in no time we were underway. I have to admit that after having been lasered this was a piece of cake; I could have slept on the table as she worked on me. I don't know what I was so worried about all this time. There wasn't really much pain at all and all I can do is liken it to a pinprick. After she was done I decided to make an appointment for this Sat, we'll see how that goes.

After we were done Dee and I decided to grab a few shirts and head over to Harley as they are running an Aug special of trade in a dealer's shirt and get 25% off a new dealer's shirt. This would serve me well as I need to purge male Harley shirts for girl's shirts anyway so at least I get something for them and apparently the dealership is donating the old shirts to charity. So I ended up with 2 new girls shirts that I really liked. I'm thinking before the end of the month I may trade in another 4 shirts.

As Dee was writing the check to pay for the shirts she needed her ID from the bag in my bike so I went outside to get it. As I was walking back towards the door I was approached by a guy. "Is that your friend's sportster?" I told him it was and he had remarked that it was a really nice bike and I just thanked him. As I walked in the door it suddenly clicked with me that he called Dee my friend which meant if he was seeing a boy that isn't typically something a guy would ask. Implying Dee was my friend meant he saw a female. Getting this from strange men has been something I really needed so I know I'm passing to both sexes. That made my afternoon!

Saturday evening Dee and I did something out of the ordinary for us; we went out late for a few margaritas. It was a nice change instead of feeling old and spending Sat evening at home.

Sunday morning we had to get up early and do my monthly breakfast with my cousin Betty. It's something I think we have both become fond of doing so that we can spend time getting to know each other. She's been accepting and calling me Karyn quite easily so it's an added bonus.

From there we headed over to Home depot to pick up some bolts so we could reassemble our old couch in the family room. We are hoping to have our friends from Chicago visit in the near future and we are trying to get things back in order for their visit. After we walked out of HD and approached our bike a gentleman rode up on a Harley slightly older than mine. He seemed quite cheerful and as he walked by us commented about the chill in the air on the bikes and proceeded to admire Dee's bike, chatted a few minutes and off he went. As he walked away he chirped "Have a nice ride ladies!" Hey another one!! I was so stoked…

I still have a hard time understanding that people probably see a girl, I just get nervous that I'll expect that's what they see and then I'll get sired or something. My friends Cynthia and Kristi both get frustrated with me. Cynthia told me in email yesterday, sorry I just don't see Kevin, I do see Karyn though, and you look fine! I know they think I'm crazy but I also understand that the people closest to me tell me they see male, they don't see female so for whatever reason that seems to stick in the back of my mind.
If anything I see it in the mirror now easily, Kev's gone and I am getting used to hearing Karyn. My heart still skips a beat whenever I'm addressed by my name. I just hope I can get over this last hump soon so RLT can start.

Well, tomorrow is the monthly counseling session I(oh yay!) Life is good and I'm happy, for now that's the most important thing because I know the rest is following and will only get better.

I hope you're all happy, healthy and fulfilled
Karyn

DMV woes

If you have been following my blog for any length of time you are probably aware that the NH Dept of Motor Vehicles decided to go to a new licensing system. On June 16th of this year my name legally changed to Karyn which meant the change of all of my personal documents. About 3 weeks before that change happened the NH DMV implemented the new licensing system but never thought it through well enough to have it go seamlessly.

The first issue that we noticed was the amount of time I needed to spend at the DMV to get a new license. Under the old system it would normally take me no more than 10 minutes start to finish and that was one of the things I loved about the way Govt ran up here, it was so simple and streamlined. That was until we walked in the door of the registry, saw the line and proceeded to spend over 3 hours for my new license.

When I got my new license I was excited about finally having the new name on it but disappointed in the fact that it was now a cheap paper temporary license that would only be good for 60 days until the new one was mailed. Apparently they felt this new system would help prevent fraud.

As I walked out of the registry 2 things came to mind. One was the fact that when I walked in the door my hair was nice and flat ironed out. Now anyone that has ever seen old picture of me would know that I have such thick hair that in order for it to look tamed I need to flat iron it. With so many people in the room that day, the humidity in the room and the length of time, my hair came out looking like one big frizzy mess by the time the actual picture was taken. The only saving grace was that my license renewal is for next year anyway so I'll be getting a new picture then

The 2nd thing that struck me was how dark the actual picture was. You can surely make out my hair and face but the picture is so dark there's no true way to know it was me.

I'd been reading he paper since this new system was implemented and I've noticed that a lot of people seem to be having trouble using their new "Temp" ID. They look so fake that banks, liquor stores etc all refuse to accept them as valid forms of ID. (Oh great) The pocitive in this was that every day that ticked down was one less day I had to worry about using my id because my new one would soon arrive.

Another "problem" that was being written about was the fact that the Temp licenses for some people were expiring before getting a new one and sure enough as of last Friday my temp has expired. 2 days prior to it expiring I contacted the DMV to let them know I hadn't received my permanent license and after reviewing my record, I was assured that my license is valid no matter what. She stated according the system I should be receiving the new one any time now.

Yesterday upon opening the mailbox I was happy to see an envelope form the NH DMV but a bit perplexed when I realized that there was nothing "hard" like a license in the envelope and my first thought was "oh, oh"

There was a letter in the envelope that stated "Unfortunately the image we captured of you did not come out clearly and as such we are unable to mail you your new permanent license." They want me to come back in a have my picture redone, then they will issue me ANOTHER 60 day temp license.

Ok, these days it takes a lot more to rattle my cage but c'mon WTF people. Why did you have to wait until 1) My 1st temp expired before sending me a letter and 2) Does this means because you screwed the system up so badly I'll need to take ANOTHER day off work to get my license redone? Not to mention the fact that it will now be 120 days on a driver's license that most of the state of NH doesn't accept as a valid form of identification

I've always loved this state and I was very proud of the way it had been run. I have to say this leaves a lot of disappointment with me as it makes me wonder if this is more of what our future holds. In my opinion this is nothing more than more B.S. under the guise of homeland security.

If I have to walk away with something positive (and I will) it is the fact that I wont be stuck with the picture that made me look like a crack whore drag queen ….

How's your day going?

Karyn

Blah Blah Blah Blah

Well I had to start this off somehow so that subject line seemed fitting!! It's Monday and the sun is shining, something it hasn't done much of lately because there has been so much rain.

I'm not sure why but I seem to be a bit tired today. Maybe it's just the Monday morning start to the week hitting me,. None the less I'm in a great mood even nursing a slight headache. Life is good.

As I've stated in the past I did laser hair removal to take care of the dark hair on my face. While it did an awesome job I still have a good amount of gray o my chin and neck area. I've also noticed a few stray dark hairs coming back as well. This past Friday I made an appointment for conventional electrolysis to start clearing the final stages. What's left for the most part is invisible until it's a few days growth so it'll be something that isn't a dire rush to get through.

I am however looking forward to getting away from a razor. I'm an very nervous about how long and how painful this part of it will be. So my appointment will be this coming Sat which means I need to allow 2 days growth (yuck) so she can work on it.

The end of last week the front brakes went on Dee's car which kind of sucks. I've decided I'll just order the parts and do it myself as it is quite a bit cheaper and relatively easy to do. I did however tell her this will be a "we" project. I'm kind of feeling like it is time that we are on even ground with the male based stuff that needs to be done. She smiled and said no problem, I think that was one of the things I loved about her, she's always willing to do unconventional things.

Yesterday we went over to the mall to Sephora and I bought a new eye kit by bare esscentuals. Call "Rocker eye tutorial" It's basically a kit with a gray glimmer shadow and darker blackish glitter shadow a liner caller "black leather (ooh la la) and it comes with a nice brush to create the effect. The effect is designed to be a smoky eye rock and roll type look.. Both Dee and I figure it kind of goes with my rocker mentality that I've lived all these years. LOL

Last night while Dee took the dogs for a walk I got into the kit and tried it out. I wasn't happy with the results but I'm never happy when it comes to stuff. I'm never happy because I tend to always feel like I can do better. I guess sometimes a good quality and sometime nothing but a pain in the ass. When she got home and saw it she seemed to like it and felt that it fit my personality well so we'll see if I can refine it more. I'm not used to applying dark colors to my eye and funny enough I always feel like I put too much on even when I'm assured that I don't.

Both Dee and I have taken to the Bare Esscentuals "Bare Minerals" makeup. It's slightly expensive but it covers well, doesn't feel caked on and it doesn't irritate the skin so it seems to be worth it so far. I never thought that a few short years ago that I'd be buying myself expensive makeup, funny how times change.

This weekend I finally reserved to change the last of my online personas over to Karyn so My MySpace page is officially Karyn now and not ~K~ anymore. I also added the picture I use here as my profile picture. Yesterday I shot my friend Annah a note teasing her asking what it took a girl to get her name in Annah's top 10. She gave me the top spot!! WOOT! She has been such a dear friend and a sweetheart and me for the last few years, I wish there were a lot more people like her. Being Trans has been so much easier with her encouragement and support.

Well I guess that's it for now nothing more to see here, move on, move on!!

Hope all ya'll have a great week … LOL
Karyn