Whenever I see a story regarding a transgendered child it always peaks my interest as any TG story would. The thing that I find amazing is how far we have become as a society where parents can not only accept their children for who they are but actually do what they feel is necassary for the well being of the child.
When I was a child it was not only a much different time, but my mom was a much less tolerant person than the parents of today. I often wish things had been different back then so i didn't have to live in hell for so many years of my life but that wasn't to be. Any sign of weakness around her surely meant a correction or a beating of some sort so I learned quickly to act like something I wasn't
I treid through the years to play the tough macho role and I guess I assumed that I was pretty good at it. The fact is that looking back I really failed miserably, I just couldn't see that until now.
I'm certainly thankful for the things that I have and the people who care about me. The fact is that until I started to deal with my issues I couldn't see that and I certainly couldn't appeciate it. In a conversation with my wife tonight I told her it sucked that I have to go through such an extreme just to feel right. It just doesn't seem fair or right, but the bottom line is I need to play the cards I've been dealt with in the best manner to make my life about quality.
The following story gives me inspiration that society is moving in the right direction and while I'm sure the bible bumper will be up and arms at these parents, I for one applaud them for their love and bravery. The more we see of people like this the more the cycle will be broken and we will learn to be tolerant and simply accept people for who they are and what they need to do ..
with that said the link is here
http://www.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?url=/video/us/2007/06/28/zahn.living.life.as.girl.cnn
Jun 28, 2007
Jun 26, 2007
Close calls
Well we just had an interesting turn of events. It's extremely hot and humid here tonight so instead of working outside in the heat we were sitting here relaxing. All of a sudden the was a muffled boom and the whole house shook. When I looked out the front window this is what I saw ..
Missed the house by less than 3 feet. This branch is longer than my house. The window hidden behind the leaves is where I was sitting when it hit ...As Get Smart's Don Adams would say ... Missed it by that much!
Jun 25, 2007
Another new week
Let me start of the week by stating that I’m not only sore as hell but terribly stiff. I spent the afternoon on my back deck power washing it. Cleaning my Deck furniture and just enjoying the nice weather. It was enough work to wear me out last night and both Diane and I feel asleep on the couch until one of us awoke at 11:45.
This am when I rose from my sleep and tried to hit the floor running I realized how old I am getting. Every bone in my body is stiff and every muscle aches. I guess that’s not a bad thing, It just makes me realize I am still alive.
Friday started off the weekend with dinner and a movie as planned. In the next town over the is a little Italian restaurant that is in an old farmhouse. We have driven by this place for years and every time remarked at how we should try there sometime. It would seem that we never EVER remember to do that when we are looking at going out.
Ever since my daughter moved out a few years ago the one pastime I do really enjoy is trying new restaurants. Lets face it, as much as I love cooking it is a pain sometimes to cook big meals for 2 people. Friday Diane remembered Luccianos so we figured that we would give it a whirl. I’m sorry to say I wish I had done it yrs ago when we first saw it because we have really been missing out on a good restaurant.
Diane got a nice personal pizza with alfredo and chicken on it in place of the traditional red tomato sauce that generally is associated with pizza. I got one of my all time favorites chicken cacciatore and I was more than happy with what I had gotten. They gave so much food in fact that even I had to take ½ of my meal home.
Generally when we go out to eat I tend to look for cues of how I’m being read by the people I have contact with. It was pretty uneventful until Diane paid the bill using our debit card. Upon returning the waitress was unsure of who to hand it too because she didn’t know whose card it was. It’s a very subtle way to make my evening as the card clearly reads Diane’s name on it. Score one for another female reading!
After the restaurant we decided to see the new movie "Evan the almighty". It wasn’t a bad movie and it wasn’t a great one. Albeit Diane and I do have very different tastes at times on what we consider funny. Diane’s sense of humor tends to swing towards the drier British side …
Saturday we got up early and headed off to Panera for bagels and coffee. We always enjoy a Sat morning there as we sit in window area and watch life muddle along as we enjoy a light meal. From the we headed over to my laser electrolysis girl for Diane’s underarms. We got a nice surprise when we found out they adjusted her rate because of a sale so now its $30 cheaper ..can’t beat cheaper
Off to Off Broadway for Diane to get some sandals. She ended up with the same pair as me! Some sketchers. I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or not … LOL
We did a lot of minor running around Saturday and then ended up at a local bbq chain for dinner. Again in seeing how I was being read it seemed like nothing was going either way until the check came. She was a bit confused over whom to hand it too. Another victory for ~K~
It was a nice weekend and now I’m hopefully coasting into an easy 4 day week and then vacation until july 9th … I can use the time off ..
This am when I rose from my sleep and tried to hit the floor running I realized how old I am getting. Every bone in my body is stiff and every muscle aches. I guess that’s not a bad thing, It just makes me realize I am still alive.
Friday started off the weekend with dinner and a movie as planned. In the next town over the is a little Italian restaurant that is in an old farmhouse. We have driven by this place for years and every time remarked at how we should try there sometime. It would seem that we never EVER remember to do that when we are looking at going out.
Ever since my daughter moved out a few years ago the one pastime I do really enjoy is trying new restaurants. Lets face it, as much as I love cooking it is a pain sometimes to cook big meals for 2 people. Friday Diane remembered Luccianos so we figured that we would give it a whirl. I’m sorry to say I wish I had done it yrs ago when we first saw it because we have really been missing out on a good restaurant.
Diane got a nice personal pizza with alfredo and chicken on it in place of the traditional red tomato sauce that generally is associated with pizza. I got one of my all time favorites chicken cacciatore and I was more than happy with what I had gotten. They gave so much food in fact that even I had to take ½ of my meal home.
Generally when we go out to eat I tend to look for cues of how I’m being read by the people I have contact with. It was pretty uneventful until Diane paid the bill using our debit card. Upon returning the waitress was unsure of who to hand it too because she didn’t know whose card it was. It’s a very subtle way to make my evening as the card clearly reads Diane’s name on it. Score one for another female reading!
After the restaurant we decided to see the new movie "Evan the almighty". It wasn’t a bad movie and it wasn’t a great one. Albeit Diane and I do have very different tastes at times on what we consider funny. Diane’s sense of humor tends to swing towards the drier British side …
Saturday we got up early and headed off to Panera for bagels and coffee. We always enjoy a Sat morning there as we sit in window area and watch life muddle along as we enjoy a light meal. From the we headed over to my laser electrolysis girl for Diane’s underarms. We got a nice surprise when we found out they adjusted her rate because of a sale so now its $30 cheaper ..can’t beat cheaper
Off to Off Broadway for Diane to get some sandals. She ended up with the same pair as me! Some sketchers. I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or not … LOL
We did a lot of minor running around Saturday and then ended up at a local bbq chain for dinner. Again in seeing how I was being read it seemed like nothing was going either way until the check came. She was a bit confused over whom to hand it too. Another victory for ~K~
It was a nice weekend and now I’m hopefully coasting into an easy 4 day week and then vacation until july 9th … I can use the time off ..
Jun 22, 2007
Weekend rambling
Here we are on the cusp of another weekend without much to say. I’m not totally sure of why but I’ve been feeling really run down this week to the point of even falling asleep on the couch after dinner. I really hate doing this for several reasons.
It makes me feel like I’m wasting time
I don’t get to focus on my needs as much
I get nothing done.
On the flip side I have to think that my body is telling me something that I’m simply not hearing. I think it is telling me I’m not getting enough exercise or enough rest.
This weekend will hopefully be a relaxing one without many set plans to follow. Tomorrow morning Dee and I are getting up early and going to have bagels and coffee for breakfast. From there we are heading to my laser electrolysis girl so she can get her 2nd laser session on her underarms. She is most certainly looking forward to being clean and not having to shave. One of the things that she always complained about was the after burn or irritation left from the razor, She would often look like she had gotten a sunburn and was in a good amount of pain .. So after all the success on my face she decided to try it on herself (So far so good)
After that she wanted to look for some sandals and I really need a new casual everyday watch. I was never a watch person before I only had one good watch that I had purchased when I was in Barbados several years ago. It was a Movado I spent $700 on. I remember on the trip Diane having to talk me into it because as much as I loved the watch I never believed in spending that kind of money on 1 watch. The funny thing was that the old saying of "you get what you pay for" really came into play as that watch served me well for so many years. Instead of saving it for "special" occasions I wore it as an everyday watch for a very long time.
Getting me dressed up for any special event was always a challenge as I found it depressing and it just made me feel wrong. I pretty much lived in jeans and t-shirt for that reason. My usual staple was either a concert shirt or a Harley shirt of some sort. The point is that if I had waited to wear the watch until dress up time it would still be brand new.
When I bought the watch it was like pulling teeth, I certainly felt like it was a waste of money because I loved girls watches so much, it just wasn’t totally me. Any piece of jewelry that was thick and heavy screamed of a masculine appearance and just played with my head in such a bad way. It’s funny to think a simple watch could hold such a deep symbolism like that.
To date Movado is now still my favorite watchmaker, I just love their styles. Eventually I hope to have one that more suits who I am rather than who I was. For now I’ll be happy to have a simple timex with a cute band and dream about what might be in the future.
In discussing our weekend plans Diane and I have decided to go for a light dinner tonight, a movie and then tomorrows activities before coming home and getting some much needed house work done. In an email this am Diane mentioned how much she loves her weekends with me which took me back a bit. I’d always assumed she liked them with me before after all isn’t that what love is about?
She replied how she had but now they are much more relaxed, I’m not wound up always having to have focus on something. An old joke that all my friends had on me was that I could never EVER leave my house without a destination or mission. It’s so true but what really hits me in this is that I never noticed the change until she pointed that out to me this am.
I guess when something in your life like that happens so naturally that you don’t even notice it that it can never be a bad thing. It is definitely one of the nicest changes to my personality, just living for the day and not for the activity.
I’ve been deep in thought lately, there are still a few people that need to be told what is going on with me so that I can move forward, until then I guess I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern. This holding pattern has been doing a bit of damage to me because I still have that fear of being a disappointment to the people around me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling, it has been engrained into me for so very long that sometimes I don’t think about it in those terms, it just is what it is.
I honestly feel like once those people are told, then it will feel like the jail cell door has finally been fully opened. Until then I am thankful for the love and support that has been given to me.
When I was in group two weeks ago one of the focus items the group discussed was the loss of people in our lives. I heard a few stories about people who lost relatives. One girl told a story about a close friend who told her that nothing could ever come between them no matter what it was, they would always be there for them. After she told them of her Transness she was politely asked to leave their home, she has never heard from them again.
It is sad when we are assured that we can put our hearts on the line and that love is unconditional only to find out that it still has its boundaries or price to pay. Imagine if you will being told that you could share anything and finally opening up your inner most vulnerable feelings to be shunned in such a manner. This is the fear of all trans people and probably does more damage to us than the condition itself.
At times when I am sitting at home on the sofa reading, playing guitar or simply being lost in all the changes in my life I sometimes notice my darling Dee staring at me with a ½ of a smile on her face. When I look into her eyes now I see so much more because of her being so unconditionally accepting. I’m so thankful and jealous that her heart can be so open as it is, I believe this is her biggest quality in life. She seems to have that knack for seeing the soul beyond the shell, I just wish more people could experience that in this life.
Times are changing, people are slowly becoming more aware and open. I just wish that within my lifetime everybody could be as lucky as I’ve been with family and friends these last 2 years. Until then I am blessed with what I’ve gotten ..
~K~
It makes me feel like I’m wasting time
I don’t get to focus on my needs as much
I get nothing done.
On the flip side I have to think that my body is telling me something that I’m simply not hearing. I think it is telling me I’m not getting enough exercise or enough rest.
This weekend will hopefully be a relaxing one without many set plans to follow. Tomorrow morning Dee and I are getting up early and going to have bagels and coffee for breakfast. From there we are heading to my laser electrolysis girl so she can get her 2nd laser session on her underarms. She is most certainly looking forward to being clean and not having to shave. One of the things that she always complained about was the after burn or irritation left from the razor, She would often look like she had gotten a sunburn and was in a good amount of pain .. So after all the success on my face she decided to try it on herself (So far so good)
After that she wanted to look for some sandals and I really need a new casual everyday watch. I was never a watch person before I only had one good watch that I had purchased when I was in Barbados several years ago. It was a Movado I spent $700 on. I remember on the trip Diane having to talk me into it because as much as I loved the watch I never believed in spending that kind of money on 1 watch. The funny thing was that the old saying of "you get what you pay for" really came into play as that watch served me well for so many years. Instead of saving it for "special" occasions I wore it as an everyday watch for a very long time.
Getting me dressed up for any special event was always a challenge as I found it depressing and it just made me feel wrong. I pretty much lived in jeans and t-shirt for that reason. My usual staple was either a concert shirt or a Harley shirt of some sort. The point is that if I had waited to wear the watch until dress up time it would still be brand new.
When I bought the watch it was like pulling teeth, I certainly felt like it was a waste of money because I loved girls watches so much, it just wasn’t totally me. Any piece of jewelry that was thick and heavy screamed of a masculine appearance and just played with my head in such a bad way. It’s funny to think a simple watch could hold such a deep symbolism like that.
To date Movado is now still my favorite watchmaker, I just love their styles. Eventually I hope to have one that more suits who I am rather than who I was. For now I’ll be happy to have a simple timex with a cute band and dream about what might be in the future.
In discussing our weekend plans Diane and I have decided to go for a light dinner tonight, a movie and then tomorrows activities before coming home and getting some much needed house work done. In an email this am Diane mentioned how much she loves her weekends with me which took me back a bit. I’d always assumed she liked them with me before after all isn’t that what love is about?
She replied how she had but now they are much more relaxed, I’m not wound up always having to have focus on something. An old joke that all my friends had on me was that I could never EVER leave my house without a destination or mission. It’s so true but what really hits me in this is that I never noticed the change until she pointed that out to me this am.
I guess when something in your life like that happens so naturally that you don’t even notice it that it can never be a bad thing. It is definitely one of the nicest changes to my personality, just living for the day and not for the activity.
I’ve been deep in thought lately, there are still a few people that need to be told what is going on with me so that I can move forward, until then I guess I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern. This holding pattern has been doing a bit of damage to me because I still have that fear of being a disappointment to the people around me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling, it has been engrained into me for so very long that sometimes I don’t think about it in those terms, it just is what it is.
I honestly feel like once those people are told, then it will feel like the jail cell door has finally been fully opened. Until then I am thankful for the love and support that has been given to me.
When I was in group two weeks ago one of the focus items the group discussed was the loss of people in our lives. I heard a few stories about people who lost relatives. One girl told a story about a close friend who told her that nothing could ever come between them no matter what it was, they would always be there for them. After she told them of her Transness she was politely asked to leave their home, she has never heard from them again.
It is sad when we are assured that we can put our hearts on the line and that love is unconditional only to find out that it still has its boundaries or price to pay. Imagine if you will being told that you could share anything and finally opening up your inner most vulnerable feelings to be shunned in such a manner. This is the fear of all trans people and probably does more damage to us than the condition itself.
At times when I am sitting at home on the sofa reading, playing guitar or simply being lost in all the changes in my life I sometimes notice my darling Dee staring at me with a ½ of a smile on her face. When I look into her eyes now I see so much more because of her being so unconditionally accepting. I’m so thankful and jealous that her heart can be so open as it is, I believe this is her biggest quality in life. She seems to have that knack for seeing the soul beyond the shell, I just wish more people could experience that in this life.
Times are changing, people are slowly becoming more aware and open. I just wish that within my lifetime everybody could be as lucky as I’ve been with family and friends these last 2 years. Until then I am blessed with what I’ve gotten ..
~K~
Jun 20, 2007
midweek rambling
I haven’t had much to say lately, as there really hasn’t been a ton going on so I’ve been having a block about things to write about. I am however sitting here with a long run job and little else to do so hopefully something will come to mind.
When we headed down the road this am going east into the sunrise I have to admit it was more than a breath taking sight. There has a light haze of a cloud cover on the horizon, which acted as a filter so you could look directly at the big red disk of sunrays. It looked absolutely beautiful and huge in the morning sky.
My commute generally takes me down RT93 in the morning heading south which puts the eastern sunrise on my left. As I approached the Massachusetts border I notice that a thick black cloud cover had already slid overhead covering about ¾ of the sky from west to east. What made this an amazing sight was the fact that the sun was just low enough in the morning sky to beam brightly under the dark cloud cover. It was an ominous site to say the least.
It’s nice to be able to take note of these things now, as they tend to fill my day more than ever. I was so blindsided by my own issues that I rarely took time to enjoy the small parts of my day, it was more about just getting from point A to point B and surviving.
By the time I got to work it was totally overcast, it was amazing how fast it rolled in. Now I swear I can hear the roar of thunder echoing our building.
My chest has been incredibly sore this week, more than it has been in a while. I have to admit if this is what 13 yr old girls go through then I certainly feel for them. Generally people my age do not see much progress in the "breast development" area because the effects of testosterone have done so much damage, but so far I’ve actually seen more than I’d expected.
The general rule of thumb is that you could expect 1 cup size lower than the women in your family and that decreases with age. This was a scary thing for me as the women in my family were well endowed in that area. Even my own daughter had quite a big bust until she had to do something about it because of her back. This was a huge concern to me because I’ve never been terribly obsessed with breasts and I certainly don’t want to stand out.
I’ve joke with Dee on occasion that the tenderness I’m feeling is payback for all the times she complained during her cycle about her own sore chest.
On Sunday we went to my sister in laws for the holiday. At one point when my mother in law was standing in front of me turned in a hurry and caught me square in the chest with her elbow. My god I almost saw stars, the look on my face must have been quite amusing.
Lately I’ve noticed a huge decrease in strength as well, I’m simply no where near as strong as I was 2 yrs ago. This isn’t a bad thing beyond the fact that I tend to forget that when I try and do things. While I’ve never been built working in a machine shop had given me reasonably strong forearms and wrists. I’m even starting to notice that it’s harder to open a simple twist off beer bottle.
My sense of awareness still hasn’t changed much and I’m still trying to adjust to it. I’ve had instances where I’ve noted people looking at me or just get that "feeling" that everyone is staring. While it isn’t something I’m used too it apparently is something that is normal as both Dee and my friend Kristi keep pointing out to me. It is really tough unlearning core traits that you have had for 37-38 yrs such as this.
Saturday Dee and I were out on our Harleys going out to dinner when I noted something and asked her what she thought. I noticed more people giving us second looks and I remember asking her "what was up with that? " They are probably checking out the chick on the big bike she replied. It’s so funny how something as trivial as that can be such a nice thing.
I just have to keep reminding myself "baby steps" and hope my friends will keep slapping me until I fully get it.
Last Saturday morning we had a nice morning going for bagels and then looking for shoes. I got a few pairs of sandals and one pair I picked out was something Dee never thought I’d choose but she actually liked them. So much that she want’s to go back and look for some sandals for herself this Saturday. So our plans for Saturday are to go out for bagels and coffee, Dee goes for her laser appointment and then shoe shopping. Later in the day we will be meeting up with her parents to take the bikes for a dinner should the weather allow.
While her parents know about what I’m going through, I’m finding myself being really uncomfortable with this around them. I’m not exactly sure why but I can’t seem to beat it enough to fully allow them in and most of all allow myself to be comfortable enough to be "me" around them. This 2nd adolescence is for the birds sometimes .. LOL
Anyway, I guess that is enough for now even if it wasn’t quality content. OK maybe the boobage was somewhat educational ...
~K~
When we headed down the road this am going east into the sunrise I have to admit it was more than a breath taking sight. There has a light haze of a cloud cover on the horizon, which acted as a filter so you could look directly at the big red disk of sunrays. It looked absolutely beautiful and huge in the morning sky.
My commute generally takes me down RT93 in the morning heading south which puts the eastern sunrise on my left. As I approached the Massachusetts border I notice that a thick black cloud cover had already slid overhead covering about ¾ of the sky from west to east. What made this an amazing sight was the fact that the sun was just low enough in the morning sky to beam brightly under the dark cloud cover. It was an ominous site to say the least.
It’s nice to be able to take note of these things now, as they tend to fill my day more than ever. I was so blindsided by my own issues that I rarely took time to enjoy the small parts of my day, it was more about just getting from point A to point B and surviving.
By the time I got to work it was totally overcast, it was amazing how fast it rolled in. Now I swear I can hear the roar of thunder echoing our building.
My chest has been incredibly sore this week, more than it has been in a while. I have to admit if this is what 13 yr old girls go through then I certainly feel for them. Generally people my age do not see much progress in the "breast development" area because the effects of testosterone have done so much damage, but so far I’ve actually seen more than I’d expected.
The general rule of thumb is that you could expect 1 cup size lower than the women in your family and that decreases with age. This was a scary thing for me as the women in my family were well endowed in that area. Even my own daughter had quite a big bust until she had to do something about it because of her back. This was a huge concern to me because I’ve never been terribly obsessed with breasts and I certainly don’t want to stand out.
I’ve joke with Dee on occasion that the tenderness I’m feeling is payback for all the times she complained during her cycle about her own sore chest.
On Sunday we went to my sister in laws for the holiday. At one point when my mother in law was standing in front of me turned in a hurry and caught me square in the chest with her elbow. My god I almost saw stars, the look on my face must have been quite amusing.
Lately I’ve noticed a huge decrease in strength as well, I’m simply no where near as strong as I was 2 yrs ago. This isn’t a bad thing beyond the fact that I tend to forget that when I try and do things. While I’ve never been built working in a machine shop had given me reasonably strong forearms and wrists. I’m even starting to notice that it’s harder to open a simple twist off beer bottle.
My sense of awareness still hasn’t changed much and I’m still trying to adjust to it. I’ve had instances where I’ve noted people looking at me or just get that "feeling" that everyone is staring. While it isn’t something I’m used too it apparently is something that is normal as both Dee and my friend Kristi keep pointing out to me. It is really tough unlearning core traits that you have had for 37-38 yrs such as this.
Saturday Dee and I were out on our Harleys going out to dinner when I noted something and asked her what she thought. I noticed more people giving us second looks and I remember asking her "what was up with that? " They are probably checking out the chick on the big bike she replied. It’s so funny how something as trivial as that can be such a nice thing.
I just have to keep reminding myself "baby steps" and hope my friends will keep slapping me until I fully get it.
Last Saturday morning we had a nice morning going for bagels and then looking for shoes. I got a few pairs of sandals and one pair I picked out was something Dee never thought I’d choose but she actually liked them. So much that she want’s to go back and look for some sandals for herself this Saturday. So our plans for Saturday are to go out for bagels and coffee, Dee goes for her laser appointment and then shoe shopping. Later in the day we will be meeting up with her parents to take the bikes for a dinner should the weather allow.
While her parents know about what I’m going through, I’m finding myself being really uncomfortable with this around them. I’m not exactly sure why but I can’t seem to beat it enough to fully allow them in and most of all allow myself to be comfortable enough to be "me" around them. This 2nd adolescence is for the birds sometimes .. LOL
Anyway, I guess that is enough for now even if it wasn’t quality content. OK maybe the boobage was somewhat educational ...
~K~
Jun 15, 2007
Lack of Compassion leaves its effects
I was born in the city of Lawrence Ma in 1965 at a time where issues such as GLBT were simply not discussed. To make things a bit more difficult I was born in the middle of a sexual revolution to parents who were just old enough to be a part of the generation where sexual issues were not discussed either.
Now before I state what I am about to please understand I love my grandparents dearly with all of my heart. I know that their prejudice were more a part of the way they were raised in a tougher time when this countries industrial revolution was just taking off and life was much different. They were a product of their childhood.
My mom did the best she could as a single parent could have she had no choice. She was 29 when I was born and my dad left for the West Coast when I was 2. He figured it was easier to run than to pay child support or take care of his offspring in a responsible manner. The fact is that in terms of gender issues he wouldn’t have been of much help because he wasn’t much good to himself.
So in 1967 my mom was left as a single parent to raise her son as best as she could. When all of this took place by the grace of god we were living on the 2nd floor of my grandmother and grandfathers two family so I was lucky enough to have my grandparents right there with us. While I was reasonably young when my grandfather would part this earth the memories he left me with are very precious to me and he would have a profound affect on me later in my life as I grew up.
When I was5 or 6 years old on a hot summer day my grandparents were sitting on the front porch soaking in the city heat. We had a screened in porch that I would often sleep outside on as though I was camping out in the wilderness soaking in the sounds of nature, as the cars would drive by on the street below. (Yes I’m being funny) I would try and listen to the crickets chirp or watch the lightning bugs light up the night.
I was the apple of my grandfathers eye, I was is second grandson and he made an effort to show me how much he loved me. He had a habit of teasing to show his love and I was no different, to this day I believe I inherited his sense of humor. It’s easy to speak fondly of him as my time with him was during my youngest years and not those of having to deal with the Gender Identity issues deeply. He surely would have been disappointed to know that his grandson thought he was the granddaughter instead.
The fact is that even in those early years I knew something about me was different and I now know my family knew it by the way I was raised. I was never the tough little boy that the others were and in every effort to make me what my mom thought I should be it was confusing for me growing up.
My family was laced with racist, bigots who were homophobic to the core and even with the gender issue for a time it was a trait that was handed to me as well, it was all I knew. I was brought up in a family who hated things or people that were different, it is something I am not proud of and it is something that kept me from begging for help for all of my adolescent life.
When I was young I was constantly drawn to my grandmother’s jewelry box, she had a set of stringed pearls that just seemed to catch my attention. I would often sneak them just to wear them and pretend to be a girl for just a little while. I remember how much I loved them.
At one point while I had them I remember my mom coming and I hid them under my sheets as to not get caught. I knew the way my family thought and I knew for sure that they would treat me as though I was doing something wrong. She never caught me with them to my surprise, I always seemed to be one step ahead of her in that respect, she simply couldn’t know how I felt because I knew a beating would surely follow. I guess it was a way of justifying dishonesty out of self-preservation.
After stuffing those pearls in my sheets I left my room not thinking my mom might change my sheets or go snooping, but not long after in a very hostile tone my mom beckoned for me to the living room. "Kevin" she snapped, "what were these doing in your room?" I remember being paralyzed with fear and the only answer I could muster was that I had them as a joke.
Out of a fear my mother saw through me that day and she had the opportunity to make things right and help me out with what would turn out to be a life of self-hatred. As I look back on it now I can hear the words I needed to hear but for whatever reason what I needed and her capacity for compassion simply weren’t in line with each other.
In nothing but a split second one sentence changed me forever and alienated me from my mom for the rest of my life. I still hear these words to this day as they echo in my head as fresh as the day they were said.
"Kevin, Are you a Queer?" she snipped.
I remember breaking out in tears and swearing I wasn’t and swearing that I took them as a joke. It’s a moment I’ve replayed in my mind constantly ever since it happened. I know I’m asking a lot to expect my mom to have been more compassionate but the fact is that it wasn’t something she was capable of, she herself lacked that in her family. That sentence was the division from the mother I was close too and the need to protect myself for years to come. Sadly a little compassion could have made the difference that I needed.
Years later my mom in a conversation with my wife had told her she didn’t know what happened to me but one day I became cold towards her and I’d changed. She even blamed it on my dad as though he had some influence in my life. Today I now that was the turning point in my life when it came to my mom, we were never the same again.
I walked away that day loathing people, I disliked homosexuals, minorities or anyone different, it seemed to be a way to protect myself and fit in so no one would truly know me. Years past in raising my own daughter a friend asked me one day how I’d feel if she turned out gay. It was something I’d really have to think over and I guess that to some degree it changed me a bit. They were right I wouldn’t love her any less. The personal lesson that I learned was that I didn’t have to hate others because of my fear that I would be ousted in the process. My hatred of others was a way to hide my true feelings and maybe make myself fit in with a more masculine attitude … It never worked ..
I regret finding fault with others for my own lack of self-esteem. It took finding myself to realize how badly I viewed everyone else for building a wall around me and it was all traced back to a moment of compassion between a mother and her child. I’ve raised my daughter to be accepting and compassionate to those who are different. I’m happy to say that it’s a lesson I am very proud to have taught because it breaks the cycle of hatred for generations to come. Hopefully my GID hasn’t done too much damage to her.
I guess my point here is to think carefully about how you approach things with your children. One small mistake can make a tremendous impact on their views for the rest of their lives.
I don’t talk to my mom anymore, in fact it has been 15 years since we split from each other. She now lives 15 minutes from my home and will be 71 next month. While I don’t miss her treatment of me at times, I do still love her even if from a distance. I won’t say in this blog what caused the division but I will say it was those golden words as a child that helped make the decision easy.
I certainly hope she is healthy and happy because her only daughter is finally starting to become happy and live her life the way it was meant to be …
If she could have only known the true me ….
~K~
Now before I state what I am about to please understand I love my grandparents dearly with all of my heart. I know that their prejudice were more a part of the way they were raised in a tougher time when this countries industrial revolution was just taking off and life was much different. They were a product of their childhood.
My mom did the best she could as a single parent could have she had no choice. She was 29 when I was born and my dad left for the West Coast when I was 2. He figured it was easier to run than to pay child support or take care of his offspring in a responsible manner. The fact is that in terms of gender issues he wouldn’t have been of much help because he wasn’t much good to himself.
So in 1967 my mom was left as a single parent to raise her son as best as she could. When all of this took place by the grace of god we were living on the 2nd floor of my grandmother and grandfathers two family so I was lucky enough to have my grandparents right there with us. While I was reasonably young when my grandfather would part this earth the memories he left me with are very precious to me and he would have a profound affect on me later in my life as I grew up.
When I was5 or 6 years old on a hot summer day my grandparents were sitting on the front porch soaking in the city heat. We had a screened in porch that I would often sleep outside on as though I was camping out in the wilderness soaking in the sounds of nature, as the cars would drive by on the street below. (Yes I’m being funny) I would try and listen to the crickets chirp or watch the lightning bugs light up the night.
I was the apple of my grandfathers eye, I was is second grandson and he made an effort to show me how much he loved me. He had a habit of teasing to show his love and I was no different, to this day I believe I inherited his sense of humor. It’s easy to speak fondly of him as my time with him was during my youngest years and not those of having to deal with the Gender Identity issues deeply. He surely would have been disappointed to know that his grandson thought he was the granddaughter instead.
The fact is that even in those early years I knew something about me was different and I now know my family knew it by the way I was raised. I was never the tough little boy that the others were and in every effort to make me what my mom thought I should be it was confusing for me growing up.
My family was laced with racist, bigots who were homophobic to the core and even with the gender issue for a time it was a trait that was handed to me as well, it was all I knew. I was brought up in a family who hated things or people that were different, it is something I am not proud of and it is something that kept me from begging for help for all of my adolescent life.
When I was young I was constantly drawn to my grandmother’s jewelry box, she had a set of stringed pearls that just seemed to catch my attention. I would often sneak them just to wear them and pretend to be a girl for just a little while. I remember how much I loved them.
At one point while I had them I remember my mom coming and I hid them under my sheets as to not get caught. I knew the way my family thought and I knew for sure that they would treat me as though I was doing something wrong. She never caught me with them to my surprise, I always seemed to be one step ahead of her in that respect, she simply couldn’t know how I felt because I knew a beating would surely follow. I guess it was a way of justifying dishonesty out of self-preservation.
After stuffing those pearls in my sheets I left my room not thinking my mom might change my sheets or go snooping, but not long after in a very hostile tone my mom beckoned for me to the living room. "Kevin" she snapped, "what were these doing in your room?" I remember being paralyzed with fear and the only answer I could muster was that I had them as a joke.
Out of a fear my mother saw through me that day and she had the opportunity to make things right and help me out with what would turn out to be a life of self-hatred. As I look back on it now I can hear the words I needed to hear but for whatever reason what I needed and her capacity for compassion simply weren’t in line with each other.
In nothing but a split second one sentence changed me forever and alienated me from my mom for the rest of my life. I still hear these words to this day as they echo in my head as fresh as the day they were said.
"Kevin, Are you a Queer?" she snipped.
I remember breaking out in tears and swearing I wasn’t and swearing that I took them as a joke. It’s a moment I’ve replayed in my mind constantly ever since it happened. I know I’m asking a lot to expect my mom to have been more compassionate but the fact is that it wasn’t something she was capable of, she herself lacked that in her family. That sentence was the division from the mother I was close too and the need to protect myself for years to come. Sadly a little compassion could have made the difference that I needed.
Years later my mom in a conversation with my wife had told her she didn’t know what happened to me but one day I became cold towards her and I’d changed. She even blamed it on my dad as though he had some influence in my life. Today I now that was the turning point in my life when it came to my mom, we were never the same again.
I walked away that day loathing people, I disliked homosexuals, minorities or anyone different, it seemed to be a way to protect myself and fit in so no one would truly know me. Years past in raising my own daughter a friend asked me one day how I’d feel if she turned out gay. It was something I’d really have to think over and I guess that to some degree it changed me a bit. They were right I wouldn’t love her any less. The personal lesson that I learned was that I didn’t have to hate others because of my fear that I would be ousted in the process. My hatred of others was a way to hide my true feelings and maybe make myself fit in with a more masculine attitude … It never worked ..
I regret finding fault with others for my own lack of self-esteem. It took finding myself to realize how badly I viewed everyone else for building a wall around me and it was all traced back to a moment of compassion between a mother and her child. I’ve raised my daughter to be accepting and compassionate to those who are different. I’m happy to say that it’s a lesson I am very proud to have taught because it breaks the cycle of hatred for generations to come. Hopefully my GID hasn’t done too much damage to her.
I guess my point here is to think carefully about how you approach things with your children. One small mistake can make a tremendous impact on their views for the rest of their lives.
I don’t talk to my mom anymore, in fact it has been 15 years since we split from each other. She now lives 15 minutes from my home and will be 71 next month. While I don’t miss her treatment of me at times, I do still love her even if from a distance. I won’t say in this blog what caused the division but I will say it was those golden words as a child that helped make the decision easy.
I certainly hope she is healthy and happy because her only daughter is finally starting to become happy and live her life the way it was meant to be …
If she could have only known the true me ….
~K~
My Horror Scope for friday ..Hmmm
It's sometimes difficult for you to accept change -- especially when it involves saying goodbye to something (or someone) who has brought joy to your life. But things change, and people move in new directions -- and you need to accept that. Besides, the transitions that are happening in your life right now are going to have very positive long-term results. While they won't all be easy to go through, they'll do wonders for your self-confidence
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