Dec 20, 2007
Winter Strikes again!
This picture was shot outside my work window this am. We are expecting another 10" today
~K~
Dec 12, 2007
Almost Christmas
It’s been a crazy week of weather going between snow, ice and rain. It seems that the winter snowfall came very early this season. Today it is raining and all the previous snow we had is melting off creating a slight fog in some areas. This weekend we are being told to expect a Nor’ Easter but there isn’t any determination to how much or how strong of a storm it should be. (**coworker just walked in and claimed he is hearing major storm possibly up to 2 feet of snow)
Well as we sit here ½ way into December and our holiday fast approaches it always seems to be a time for reflection of not only the people we love but our past experiences and maybe people who are no longer with us. For many years the month of Dec spelled a month of depression and bitterness of the holiday season. This year as well as last year it seems as if that black cloud has finally been lifted from over my head and I no longer feel that way for various reasons be it Christmas or my impending birthday.
My Birthdays were never great as it sat right next to the biggest holiday of the year. It not only tended to get overlooked growing up but it was used as a tool to combine gifts. I guess now as an adult that is not a big deal but I can tell you that as a child this was always a major disappointment. My friends all got gifts for their birthdays and gifts for Christmas, rarely did you ever hear about combined gifts. Still people seemed to take advantage of the loop hole in my arrival to this world.
When I was a young child Christmas was a magical time for me as it is for most kids. I always looked forward to Santa coming and seeing what he would bring me. I never had a nerve to ask him for anything girlish, I knew I have to answer to my mom or my friends. Try explaining that new Barbie doll to your best male friends. Not only would they not get it, you’d probably get punched. None the less I enjoyed Xmas until about the age of 9.
In 1974 my mom was at the happiest I’d ever seen her. She had a new boyfriend that she intended on marrying. Larry was a cool guy and he was the father I had never had. Looking back the best thing about Larry was that he treated me as though I was his own and I would have been happy to have him as a step dad. Family life was good back in those days and mom was as lovable as any of my friends mothers.
Dec 24th 1974 my 9th birthday my mom was at her boyfriend’s home when he complained of a headache and wanted to rest. My mom found him dead lying across his bed from an aneurysm. It was not only one of the worst birthdays and Xmases I remember, it was the start of a very dark run of holidays for my family. My mom was never the same after that, she spent 2 years very depressed feeling as though she wasn’t worthy of happiness.
We all have painful moments in our life that stay with us, but it is how we bounce back from those hard times that can make us who we are. My mom was never the same person and in being this way she tainted every holiday season after that. From that point on Christmas in my house was never about family being happy and together, only about abuse, darkness and sadness. This would be one of the things that would stick with me for most of my life.
When I met my wife and started my family it was the first time in a long time I had not only stability around the holiday season, but my birthday would always be a big deal. I applaud her for being that caring, being around a family that always had the ability to see how they enjoyed the holidays I’m not surprised, but it simply wasn’t me. I could never seem to find that magic again and as December would approach my already depressive moods would get worse and I would withdraw.
Bad Christmases, Bad Birthdays and a life of not caring about myself because of my innermost feelings were all a struggle I could not manage. At any given time we are all able to overcome and negative issue but when your core being is broken all those other issues often seem beyond repair. For a very long time this was who I was and it was very apparent to the people around me as they saw my December decline every year, how helpless they must have felt.
Looking back I’m glad to see that I’ve finally worked to overcome at least my core issue and in doing so I’ve come to realize that I cannot rewrite the past. What I can do is write a new more positive future and that is the direction I’ve been heading into. While I will never change the dark years I’ve had, I am thankful to be able to create new better memories. None of this would have ever been possible without my changes as those changes affect every facet of my being. My holiday gift for this past year and this Christmas is my ability to enjoy not only who I am, but also my family for who they are and what they mean to me now.
On a side note I went to the mailbox the other day to get the mail, pulled it out and as I was reading the various pieces of mail I noticed a Xmas card envelope addressed to "Karyn and Diane"!! This is the first time I’ve received mail from someone who knows me with my new name, I was overjoyed to see that.
Hope your Xmas plans are coming together nicely, enjoy the season while it is here, I know I will.
~K~
Well as we sit here ½ way into December and our holiday fast approaches it always seems to be a time for reflection of not only the people we love but our past experiences and maybe people who are no longer with us. For many years the month of Dec spelled a month of depression and bitterness of the holiday season. This year as well as last year it seems as if that black cloud has finally been lifted from over my head and I no longer feel that way for various reasons be it Christmas or my impending birthday.
My Birthdays were never great as it sat right next to the biggest holiday of the year. It not only tended to get overlooked growing up but it was used as a tool to combine gifts. I guess now as an adult that is not a big deal but I can tell you that as a child this was always a major disappointment. My friends all got gifts for their birthdays and gifts for Christmas, rarely did you ever hear about combined gifts. Still people seemed to take advantage of the loop hole in my arrival to this world.
When I was a young child Christmas was a magical time for me as it is for most kids. I always looked forward to Santa coming and seeing what he would bring me. I never had a nerve to ask him for anything girlish, I knew I have to answer to my mom or my friends. Try explaining that new Barbie doll to your best male friends. Not only would they not get it, you’d probably get punched. None the less I enjoyed Xmas until about the age of 9.
In 1974 my mom was at the happiest I’d ever seen her. She had a new boyfriend that she intended on marrying. Larry was a cool guy and he was the father I had never had. Looking back the best thing about Larry was that he treated me as though I was his own and I would have been happy to have him as a step dad. Family life was good back in those days and mom was as lovable as any of my friends mothers.
Dec 24th 1974 my 9th birthday my mom was at her boyfriend’s home when he complained of a headache and wanted to rest. My mom found him dead lying across his bed from an aneurysm. It was not only one of the worst birthdays and Xmases I remember, it was the start of a very dark run of holidays for my family. My mom was never the same after that, she spent 2 years very depressed feeling as though she wasn’t worthy of happiness.
We all have painful moments in our life that stay with us, but it is how we bounce back from those hard times that can make us who we are. My mom was never the same person and in being this way she tainted every holiday season after that. From that point on Christmas in my house was never about family being happy and together, only about abuse, darkness and sadness. This would be one of the things that would stick with me for most of my life.
When I met my wife and started my family it was the first time in a long time I had not only stability around the holiday season, but my birthday would always be a big deal. I applaud her for being that caring, being around a family that always had the ability to see how they enjoyed the holidays I’m not surprised, but it simply wasn’t me. I could never seem to find that magic again and as December would approach my already depressive moods would get worse and I would withdraw.
Bad Christmases, Bad Birthdays and a life of not caring about myself because of my innermost feelings were all a struggle I could not manage. At any given time we are all able to overcome and negative issue but when your core being is broken all those other issues often seem beyond repair. For a very long time this was who I was and it was very apparent to the people around me as they saw my December decline every year, how helpless they must have felt.
Looking back I’m glad to see that I’ve finally worked to overcome at least my core issue and in doing so I’ve come to realize that I cannot rewrite the past. What I can do is write a new more positive future and that is the direction I’ve been heading into. While I will never change the dark years I’ve had, I am thankful to be able to create new better memories. None of this would have ever been possible without my changes as those changes affect every facet of my being. My holiday gift for this past year and this Christmas is my ability to enjoy not only who I am, but also my family for who they are and what they mean to me now.
On a side note I went to the mailbox the other day to get the mail, pulled it out and as I was reading the various pieces of mail I noticed a Xmas card envelope addressed to "Karyn and Diane"!! This is the first time I’ve received mail from someone who knows me with my new name, I was overjoyed to see that.
Hope your Xmas plans are coming together nicely, enjoy the season while it is here, I know I will.
~K~
Dec 6, 2007
Needing rest and some other thoughts
Well things are slowly getting back to normal, Diane’s feeling better and I’m slowly feeling more like myself. When I wrote that last blog my tank was running on empty for several reasons. I was emotionally drained from the fear of losing my wife. Monday I had risen at 5 am and only eaten scrambled eggs the entire day and I didn’t stop running until 7:30 that night only to have to get up and clear now in a 200 foot driveway alone.
All these things added up to me being in a very poor frame of mind, I simply wasn’t rested enough to be objective. When I wrote that. This isn’t to lessen the fact that those were my feelings at the time. I’ve come to the realization though that I need to learn how to do things differently now. I know that my body has changed, it isn’t the same as it was 2 years ago. I still do things like I always had dome them out of habit and I get frustrated when that doesn’t work to my advantage. It’s something I really need to learn to identify and work around now.
Like anyone when I become fatigued things build up, be it reality or in my head. It is something else that I’ve come to understand over the last 2 years. Being well rested is not a luxury anymore it is a necessity and it goes hand in hand with my ability to cope with everyday life.
I got a letter from a friend out of the blue who read my blog and gave me what I’ll refer too as an ass kicking. I deserved it and everything he said in his email was right. What struck me about the email is how open he was to the fact that what I’m doing is right for me. I know it’s there, I feel it everyday, but for someone else to say "Hey, you have no options here you need to go forward" was surprising.
So the bottom line is that Dee is ok and I’m slowly getting back to normal. To me that should be what’s most important.
Last night was what I refer to as a session when talking to people who know me. It’s one of my monthly counseling sessions that are required to not only deal with the GID and Transition, but help me work through any problems I may be having with it. I’d be lying if I’ve ever made this sound easy, it’s not by any stretch of the imagination. What I can tell you is every step is an emotional reward.
Generally on counseling session night I go the extra mile to look nice. I take extra time to take care of my hair and face and look rather presentable. Last night was no different and I have to admit I felt pretty good going to the session. But one of the things we discussed was that very topic. IE Dressing
I recently read a post on a BB I am on for transgender people asking why it is once TR women transition they change. They don’t seem to worry about clothing and makeup much, they don’t stay active in the community and they simply fade into society (Otherwise known as stealth)
The first part of the question is something I can answer easily. When I was confused about who I was and where I was going in life I needed specific things to not only identify with who I felt I was, but those things made me feel more normal for a small amount of time. Clothing, makeup or even something as simply as a nice smelling skin cream was an anesthetic for me. Removing these articles from my life surmounted to the anesthetic wearing off and the pain coming back.
These items were necessities in my life and without taking care of those needs I couldn’t function. This isn’t to say that life was completely normal it just seemed to help a bit. It helped me find me for a few hours here and there.
Looking back now after almost 2 yrs of hormones, countless hours of therapy I can say those things have changed a great deal for me. I no longer need those things to feel normal, they are just a part of my life. Before getting dressed meant fully dressed, clothing, makeup and most things to bring out that inner feeling I had.
I get out of bed now feeling that I am who I am. I know deep down in my mind I am female, I’ve always been that regardless of the exterior. The difference now though is that I don’t need materialistic things to give me that feeling. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that I still don’t like those things but now they simply do not define who I am. Instead of these things being needed they are finally able to be a choice in my life. If I wake up and feel like just wearing a T-shirt and jeans I can and I can do it without feeling like I need to do more to be normal.
The stealth part is a funny one because I cannot speak form experience yet but can relate to what I’ve not only seen but also how I personally feel about it. For those who are unaware stealth is the idea that once we transition we just fade into society living like anyone else without having the TG tag. We are simply our gender like anyone else and we don’t need to to let others know of our past unless we have too.
The goal of most TG people seems to be stealth, I know it was a target for me. I think that slowly changed when I watch Annah Moore for a period and saw how she handled herself in public. Annah does not scream from the rooftops that she made this change but yet she is proud enough to not hide it either. This is a quality that I not only have admired but it is one that I aspire to be. While I once saw myself as trying to be stealth I now see myself helping others.
The first steps of that proof are the writings on this blog detailing my intimate changes, something 2 years ago that I would have been ashamed to do. I’m proud of where I have come and hope that the next person behind me will see that example and step up to the plate.
Lastly I just want to touch on something about stealth that I find not only hilarious but a tag ignorant at the same time. I’ve read numerous posts from people who think they if they saw a TG person that they would know it the moment they saw them, after all how can you miss a 200+ pound man in stilettos and a miniskirt. Sorry got news for ya people, we’re just like you and not all of us stand out. I am proof of that in the sense of being read female when dressed as a male!!
Heck you might even know someone trans yet not actually know anything ….
Be good and happy holidays..
~K~
Oh screw it ..Merry Christmas !!
All these things added up to me being in a very poor frame of mind, I simply wasn’t rested enough to be objective. When I wrote that. This isn’t to lessen the fact that those were my feelings at the time. I’ve come to the realization though that I need to learn how to do things differently now. I know that my body has changed, it isn’t the same as it was 2 years ago. I still do things like I always had dome them out of habit and I get frustrated when that doesn’t work to my advantage. It’s something I really need to learn to identify and work around now.
Like anyone when I become fatigued things build up, be it reality or in my head. It is something else that I’ve come to understand over the last 2 years. Being well rested is not a luxury anymore it is a necessity and it goes hand in hand with my ability to cope with everyday life.
I got a letter from a friend out of the blue who read my blog and gave me what I’ll refer too as an ass kicking. I deserved it and everything he said in his email was right. What struck me about the email is how open he was to the fact that what I’m doing is right for me. I know it’s there, I feel it everyday, but for someone else to say "Hey, you have no options here you need to go forward" was surprising.
So the bottom line is that Dee is ok and I’m slowly getting back to normal. To me that should be what’s most important.
Last night was what I refer to as a session when talking to people who know me. It’s one of my monthly counseling sessions that are required to not only deal with the GID and Transition, but help me work through any problems I may be having with it. I’d be lying if I’ve ever made this sound easy, it’s not by any stretch of the imagination. What I can tell you is every step is an emotional reward.
Generally on counseling session night I go the extra mile to look nice. I take extra time to take care of my hair and face and look rather presentable. Last night was no different and I have to admit I felt pretty good going to the session. But one of the things we discussed was that very topic. IE Dressing
I recently read a post on a BB I am on for transgender people asking why it is once TR women transition they change. They don’t seem to worry about clothing and makeup much, they don’t stay active in the community and they simply fade into society (Otherwise known as stealth)
The first part of the question is something I can answer easily. When I was confused about who I was and where I was going in life I needed specific things to not only identify with who I felt I was, but those things made me feel more normal for a small amount of time. Clothing, makeup or even something as simply as a nice smelling skin cream was an anesthetic for me. Removing these articles from my life surmounted to the anesthetic wearing off and the pain coming back.
These items were necessities in my life and without taking care of those needs I couldn’t function. This isn’t to say that life was completely normal it just seemed to help a bit. It helped me find me for a few hours here and there.
Looking back now after almost 2 yrs of hormones, countless hours of therapy I can say those things have changed a great deal for me. I no longer need those things to feel normal, they are just a part of my life. Before getting dressed meant fully dressed, clothing, makeup and most things to bring out that inner feeling I had.
I get out of bed now feeling that I am who I am. I know deep down in my mind I am female, I’ve always been that regardless of the exterior. The difference now though is that I don’t need materialistic things to give me that feeling. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that I still don’t like those things but now they simply do not define who I am. Instead of these things being needed they are finally able to be a choice in my life. If I wake up and feel like just wearing a T-shirt and jeans I can and I can do it without feeling like I need to do more to be normal.
The stealth part is a funny one because I cannot speak form experience yet but can relate to what I’ve not only seen but also how I personally feel about it. For those who are unaware stealth is the idea that once we transition we just fade into society living like anyone else without having the TG tag. We are simply our gender like anyone else and we don’t need to to let others know of our past unless we have too.
The goal of most TG people seems to be stealth, I know it was a target for me. I think that slowly changed when I watch Annah Moore for a period and saw how she handled herself in public. Annah does not scream from the rooftops that she made this change but yet she is proud enough to not hide it either. This is a quality that I not only have admired but it is one that I aspire to be. While I once saw myself as trying to be stealth I now see myself helping others.
The first steps of that proof are the writings on this blog detailing my intimate changes, something 2 years ago that I would have been ashamed to do. I’m proud of where I have come and hope that the next person behind me will see that example and step up to the plate.
Lastly I just want to touch on something about stealth that I find not only hilarious but a tag ignorant at the same time. I’ve read numerous posts from people who think they if they saw a TG person that they would know it the moment they saw them, after all how can you miss a 200+ pound man in stilettos and a miniskirt. Sorry got news for ya people, we’re just like you and not all of us stand out. I am proof of that in the sense of being read female when dressed as a male!!
Heck you might even know someone trans yet not actually know anything ….
Be good and happy holidays..
~K~
Oh screw it ..Merry Christmas !!
Dec 4, 2007
working through a scary day
This morning I am emotionally and physically drained. I am drained to the point of wondering if I have the strength to stay on the path that I am on. It’s not that I am in a poor me mode but in the last 24 hours I’ve dealt with so much emotional stain that I’m wondering what’s right.
Yesterday after prodding my wife to go to the Dr I got a scary phone call asking me to pick her up and take her to the local hospital. Possible Diagnosis- Meningitis. When I heard this I would be lying to you if I did not admit my blood ran cold with the fear of not only my wife having a deadly disease but the possibility that I too was exposed.
A million things run through your mind when you are out in a position of wondering if you are about to lose someone you love. IT is not only scary but it is probably one of the most draining emotions I’ve ever dealt with, sitting in a hospital room waiting for a diagnosis.
6 hours in a hospital room, Blood tests, X-rays as cat scan and finally a spinal tap revealed that she had nothing more than some sort of viral infection. It would take a few days for her to feel better, at least the prognosis wasn’t the worst that it could have been.
As all of this unfolded we were in the midst of a winter storm. Snow was blanketing the ground and turning everything into a Christmas shade of white, very festive indeed. By the time I had walked through the door last night at 7:30 PM, I had been going since 5 am with only scrambled eggs for breakfast in my system. I had no desire to clean the snow from our driveway or walkways and certainly no energy to do it either.
I rolled out of bed this am, struggled with the snow blower, struggled with the shovel and realized how much my strength had changed. I also realized how much of a team Dee and I really are. When we are together we are unstoppable. Remove one of us from the equation and it is like a car with a missing wheel, it just doesn’t work right. Before this would have not been an issue for me.
As the snow flew from the hopper of the blower this am I reflected on the events of the last 24 hours and what it not only had done to me emotionally but physically. I’ve always been able to easily take care of my family, it is something that was just my responsibility and I accepted their well being over mine for the better part of 23 years. As I was attempting to clean the white clutter from the driveway I realized that while my love of my family hasn’t been altered, my ability to take care of them and not be dependent on them has been altered.
I love who I am becoming more than anything and I cherish my wife for allowing me to be who not only I believe I am, but who she believes I am as well. But I had to ask myself at what expense? I still try to be everything I was for the people who I love but the fact is that I am now part of the dependency to need help from them. I often wonder if I am doing them a disservice by not being their rock instead of them being mine and yes, that makes me feel guilty.
I guess I still have things to sort out .. I need to figure out what’s most important, my sanity or my family
Yesterday after prodding my wife to go to the Dr I got a scary phone call asking me to pick her up and take her to the local hospital. Possible Diagnosis- Meningitis. When I heard this I would be lying to you if I did not admit my blood ran cold with the fear of not only my wife having a deadly disease but the possibility that I too was exposed.
A million things run through your mind when you are out in a position of wondering if you are about to lose someone you love. IT is not only scary but it is probably one of the most draining emotions I’ve ever dealt with, sitting in a hospital room waiting for a diagnosis.
6 hours in a hospital room, Blood tests, X-rays as cat scan and finally a spinal tap revealed that she had nothing more than some sort of viral infection. It would take a few days for her to feel better, at least the prognosis wasn’t the worst that it could have been.
As all of this unfolded we were in the midst of a winter storm. Snow was blanketing the ground and turning everything into a Christmas shade of white, very festive indeed. By the time I had walked through the door last night at 7:30 PM, I had been going since 5 am with only scrambled eggs for breakfast in my system. I had no desire to clean the snow from our driveway or walkways and certainly no energy to do it either.
I rolled out of bed this am, struggled with the snow blower, struggled with the shovel and realized how much my strength had changed. I also realized how much of a team Dee and I really are. When we are together we are unstoppable. Remove one of us from the equation and it is like a car with a missing wheel, it just doesn’t work right. Before this would have not been an issue for me.
As the snow flew from the hopper of the blower this am I reflected on the events of the last 24 hours and what it not only had done to me emotionally but physically. I’ve always been able to easily take care of my family, it is something that was just my responsibility and I accepted their well being over mine for the better part of 23 years. As I was attempting to clean the white clutter from the driveway I realized that while my love of my family hasn’t been altered, my ability to take care of them and not be dependent on them has been altered.
I love who I am becoming more than anything and I cherish my wife for allowing me to be who not only I believe I am, but who she believes I am as well. But I had to ask myself at what expense? I still try to be everything I was for the people who I love but the fact is that I am now part of the dependency to need help from them. I often wonder if I am doing them a disservice by not being their rock instead of them being mine and yes, that makes me feel guilty.
I guess I still have things to sort out .. I need to figure out what’s most important, my sanity or my family
Nov 30, 2007
Old Appearances
One of the main things about dealing with transition is the idea that we need other people to see us as our own identified gender. That is for me to be seen as female and for the most part that does tend to happen quite a bit. The second part of the equation is the ability for us to look in the mirror and physically see the person we need to see. This seems to be one of the harder parts of transition to attain as we see our changes very slowly and we don’t identify them as easily as someone who hasn’t seen you for a period of time.
For me I now walk by the mirror and I am seeing it, I am slowly finally seeing Kev disappear and I’m more comfortable with that than I was when I started. I remember a year ago looking in the mirror, getting depressed because all I could see was a guy looking back at me, not what I needed to see. It would seem in some small way I’ve made progress I guess.
I recently read a blog that made me think a bit. It certainly stood out to me because I personally had thought about this exact thing from time to time.
Back when I was in my teens and twenties I never had great self-esteem. I was outgoing, friendly and had a certain amount of charisma. I certainly had people drawn to me because of my nature. But what people were allowed to see was a shell of what I allowed out in the open. I think back and remember how I was very insecure about how I looked. I fully understand that all teens go through awkward states of being concerned about there looks. The fact is that I never considered myself to be a good-looking guy.
It’s funny to look back at now for several reasons. When I see pictures of me back then now I now realize that I was a really good looking kid. While I see a good looking kid I do see someone who was lost in their life and not feeling like they fit in properly. It’s kind of funny to think that counseling and almost 2 years of estrogen opened up my eyes enough to realize that I wasn’t the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be.
This doesn’t mean that I would change one thing about my current progress, it just means that I can see things a little more clearly for what they really were now. I really need to take that lesson and apply it to present day conditions.
Yesterday I walked by the mirror and saw Karyn plain as day looking back at me. Nothing special, jogging pants girls T-shirt and my hair down just relaxing at home. Still there it was looking me plain in the face. I didn’t see Kevin, I didn’t see a guy I finally saw Karyn without the after effect of past days or ghost images. It was a calming feeling to see it that plainly.
I look back now at those old pictures and it almost seems like someone else now. They are no longer emotions, just stories of my life. I’ll never be ashamed of who I was, it makes me who I am. I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I am going, I’ll just be the best me I can …
~K~
For me I now walk by the mirror and I am seeing it, I am slowly finally seeing Kev disappear and I’m more comfortable with that than I was when I started. I remember a year ago looking in the mirror, getting depressed because all I could see was a guy looking back at me, not what I needed to see. It would seem in some small way I’ve made progress I guess.
I recently read a blog that made me think a bit. It certainly stood out to me because I personally had thought about this exact thing from time to time.
Back when I was in my teens and twenties I never had great self-esteem. I was outgoing, friendly and had a certain amount of charisma. I certainly had people drawn to me because of my nature. But what people were allowed to see was a shell of what I allowed out in the open. I think back and remember how I was very insecure about how I looked. I fully understand that all teens go through awkward states of being concerned about there looks. The fact is that I never considered myself to be a good-looking guy.
It’s funny to look back at now for several reasons. When I see pictures of me back then now I now realize that I was a really good looking kid. While I see a good looking kid I do see someone who was lost in their life and not feeling like they fit in properly. It’s kind of funny to think that counseling and almost 2 years of estrogen opened up my eyes enough to realize that I wasn’t the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be.
This doesn’t mean that I would change one thing about my current progress, it just means that I can see things a little more clearly for what they really were now. I really need to take that lesson and apply it to present day conditions.
Yesterday I walked by the mirror and saw Karyn plain as day looking back at me. Nothing special, jogging pants girls T-shirt and my hair down just relaxing at home. Still there it was looking me plain in the face. I didn’t see Kevin, I didn’t see a guy I finally saw Karyn without the after effect of past days or ghost images. It was a calming feeling to see it that plainly.
I look back now at those old pictures and it almost seems like someone else now. They are no longer emotions, just stories of my life. I’ll never be ashamed of who I was, it makes me who I am. I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I am going, I’ll just be the best me I can …
~K~
Nov 24, 2007
been a while
Wow, seems like there could be some cobwebs in here. I've been in a funk with my writing lately and maybe even my sharing. Sometimes I just don't play well with others. I've been focusing a lot more on playing guitar than writing and I've been enjoying every minute of it. I've been enjoying it so much that I've been logging between 3-6 hours of playing time a day.
I trust everyone had a great thanksgiving, I had a decent one. Not great, not bad, but nice. We hit the start of another holiday season which will serve to be a quite busy one emotionally as well as materialistic. This will be the first xmas with my granddaughter which should be nice. I haven't gotten to see her very much for the past month, in fact I've only seen her and my daughter on thanksgiving. It's been quite heartbreaking to be honest. Going from seeing the two of them once a week to not at all takes its toll on me and now add the holiday season into the mix and times can get tough
My 42nd birthday is fast approaching and I'm hoping this will be the last birthday that the name Kevin will be around. I am hoping that after the new year I will be able to set up a court date to officially change it. (Easier said than done) and I can set off full time on the person I am and not who I was trying to be for so long.
Living in two genders is not an easy thing and it can take an emotional toll on you. I'm sure the many women who walked this path before me can tell you the same thing. It's tough going out in public and hearing maam,she,her, ladies etc and then go to a family function who still use all male pronouns and treat you that way. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with lately and I have to admit it stings. I often wonder if anyone will ever see anything beyond Kev.
We have one more person in the family to tell about what is up and then that should be free and clear. It's been hard coordinating our schedules to his at the moment so we could make that time. It has to be done soon but I am a bit hesitant because of the holiday, I simply don't want to ruin it for him.
Dee asked me the other day what I wanted for xmas and I guess I kind of looked at her a bit perplexed, there really isn't anything I want anymore. My only response can be I don't want anything that is male anymore. If the most I can get is to wake up next to her, see my daughter and granddaughter then it is a full holiday, who would need more than that!!
I finally told my best friend of my endeavours. He had to be one of the hardest as he's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were little kids and it was a relationship I was having a hard time preparing myself for the possibility of a loss. In the end he was only worried about me and my wife. The next day in a conversation with his wife he mentioned that he was having a hard time with it and she simply asked "if you needed Kev to be there for you would he be?" The answer he had was "without a doubt no matter what yes Kev would be there" She asked him then why he should be any different and he seemed to understand that, it suddenly made sense to him.
Several weeks back I blogged about the death of a friend of mine. I am very saddened to report that he took his own life. While it breaks my heart that anyone can reach a low like that, the fact is that i do understand what that pain is like. I'm so sorry for his children and I hate that they have to live with that now. I only hope he is finally with the peace that he was seeking.
Back in Aug/Sept of 2005 in my first counseling session I was asked if I'd ever thought of or attempted suicide. I looked at my counselor and explained that I had in fact thought of it. What kept me from doing it was my fear of the unknown and I needed to take care of myself before my pain became greater than that fear. Diane often asked what I was in search of and I used to tell her "inner peace". I think this is something that people take for granted and do not understand that just getting out of bed and moving through life in a positive and happy manner is part of having that inner peace, they don't have to seek it so it isn't obvious to them. I'm glad I have the sense to seek that peace I've been missing so I can feel whole. I only wish my friend Mike had been able to find his own missing inner peace instead of being so drastic and not having fear.
Personally I'm doing well but I've been very quiet with people. I don't know that it is a bad or good thing but it certainly is part of me figuring out myself and wondering how to allow people into those vulnerabilities. I'm thankful to have people who love me and I'm ecstatic to not have the self hatred I had before. I've made a lot of progress but I still have quiet bit to overcome. When with friends that address me as she, Karyn, her you can always see a curl starting on the edge of my mouth and it will sometimes pop up into a full smile. When that happens it becomes so obvious to me that this was the right decision for me.
Most of my dark beard and lip are cleared with the exception of a few stray hairs. All that seems t be left is the gray hair on my lover chin and neck. This will have to be done conventionally and I'll need to make a consult appointment in the near future. I'll be so happy when I don't have to take a razor to anything, it's so nice not having a that scruffy rigid hair on my cheeks and lip, my face has become so soft it is incredible.
Last night Dee slid and open hand across my collarbone and down my chest, it caused her to stop and do it again. She was taken back by the changes in the skin and had to do it again to make sure she noticed it. It's amazing that even after almost 2 years my skin constantly continues to evolve into a more softer state.
I've dropped muscle mass and am probably weaker than I've ever been now. It's kind of odd at times trying to open something with a struggle and see Dee open it when I couldn't. Sometimes I just have to laugh because I'm not used to it.
When we are around the guys and they pat me on the back like they used too, I have to admit it can be a bit painful now and I never realized their strength before. It's very apparent to me now though!!
I guess that's enough for now, hopefully I can make time to write some later ..
Till then happy holidays and to all my friends I miss you all ..
~K~
I trust everyone had a great thanksgiving, I had a decent one. Not great, not bad, but nice. We hit the start of another holiday season which will serve to be a quite busy one emotionally as well as materialistic. This will be the first xmas with my granddaughter which should be nice. I haven't gotten to see her very much for the past month, in fact I've only seen her and my daughter on thanksgiving. It's been quite heartbreaking to be honest. Going from seeing the two of them once a week to not at all takes its toll on me and now add the holiday season into the mix and times can get tough
My 42nd birthday is fast approaching and I'm hoping this will be the last birthday that the name Kevin will be around. I am hoping that after the new year I will be able to set up a court date to officially change it. (Easier said than done) and I can set off full time on the person I am and not who I was trying to be for so long.
Living in two genders is not an easy thing and it can take an emotional toll on you. I'm sure the many women who walked this path before me can tell you the same thing. It's tough going out in public and hearing maam,she,her, ladies etc and then go to a family function who still use all male pronouns and treat you that way. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with lately and I have to admit it stings. I often wonder if anyone will ever see anything beyond Kev.
We have one more person in the family to tell about what is up and then that should be free and clear. It's been hard coordinating our schedules to his at the moment so we could make that time. It has to be done soon but I am a bit hesitant because of the holiday, I simply don't want to ruin it for him.
Dee asked me the other day what I wanted for xmas and I guess I kind of looked at her a bit perplexed, there really isn't anything I want anymore. My only response can be I don't want anything that is male anymore. If the most I can get is to wake up next to her, see my daughter and granddaughter then it is a full holiday, who would need more than that!!
I finally told my best friend of my endeavours. He had to be one of the hardest as he's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were little kids and it was a relationship I was having a hard time preparing myself for the possibility of a loss. In the end he was only worried about me and my wife. The next day in a conversation with his wife he mentioned that he was having a hard time with it and she simply asked "if you needed Kev to be there for you would he be?" The answer he had was "without a doubt no matter what yes Kev would be there" She asked him then why he should be any different and he seemed to understand that, it suddenly made sense to him.
Several weeks back I blogged about the death of a friend of mine. I am very saddened to report that he took his own life. While it breaks my heart that anyone can reach a low like that, the fact is that i do understand what that pain is like. I'm so sorry for his children and I hate that they have to live with that now. I only hope he is finally with the peace that he was seeking.
Back in Aug/Sept of 2005 in my first counseling session I was asked if I'd ever thought of or attempted suicide. I looked at my counselor and explained that I had in fact thought of it. What kept me from doing it was my fear of the unknown and I needed to take care of myself before my pain became greater than that fear. Diane often asked what I was in search of and I used to tell her "inner peace". I think this is something that people take for granted and do not understand that just getting out of bed and moving through life in a positive and happy manner is part of having that inner peace, they don't have to seek it so it isn't obvious to them. I'm glad I have the sense to seek that peace I've been missing so I can feel whole. I only wish my friend Mike had been able to find his own missing inner peace instead of being so drastic and not having fear.
Personally I'm doing well but I've been very quiet with people. I don't know that it is a bad or good thing but it certainly is part of me figuring out myself and wondering how to allow people into those vulnerabilities. I'm thankful to have people who love me and I'm ecstatic to not have the self hatred I had before. I've made a lot of progress but I still have quiet bit to overcome. When with friends that address me as she, Karyn, her you can always see a curl starting on the edge of my mouth and it will sometimes pop up into a full smile. When that happens it becomes so obvious to me that this was the right decision for me.
Most of my dark beard and lip are cleared with the exception of a few stray hairs. All that seems t be left is the gray hair on my lover chin and neck. This will have to be done conventionally and I'll need to make a consult appointment in the near future. I'll be so happy when I don't have to take a razor to anything, it's so nice not having a that scruffy rigid hair on my cheeks and lip, my face has become so soft it is incredible.
Last night Dee slid and open hand across my collarbone and down my chest, it caused her to stop and do it again. She was taken back by the changes in the skin and had to do it again to make sure she noticed it. It's amazing that even after almost 2 years my skin constantly continues to evolve into a more softer state.
I've dropped muscle mass and am probably weaker than I've ever been now. It's kind of odd at times trying to open something with a struggle and see Dee open it when I couldn't. Sometimes I just have to laugh because I'm not used to it.
When we are around the guys and they pat me on the back like they used too, I have to admit it can be a bit painful now and I never realized their strength before. It's very apparent to me now though!!
I guess that's enough for now, hopefully I can make time to write some later ..
Till then happy holidays and to all my friends I miss you all ..
~K~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)