After some soul searching recently I realized that beyond the economy, layoffs, etc that there was something else gnawing at my soul. I've been wearing the "trans" sign a little too much and not learning to just be Karyn. This became apparent to me several weeks ago after a minor difference in point of view with a friend and some talking with another one to get things into perspective. For trans people, I am simply one of them and should be proud of who I am, no doubt I am but I'm learning that I'm not proud because I'm part of a community like that; I'm proud because I'm a good person and people like me for who I am, not what I'm defined as.
Over the last 3 years there had been a blurring of lines for me Male/Female/Transgender and I was allowing the final part to not only identify me, it was creating havoc with me emotionally. I had lost the feeling of being female for a movement or to break it down, I lost my own unique identity in lieu of being unified under a label.
In doing this, my fear every time I stepped out of the house was that someone would "figure" me out or guess my secret. The reality is that I needed to step out of the house just being Karyn. To some degree I had started to step backward. I've since learned that I need to focus more on the things I have in common with the people in my life and less on the things that label what I'm going through. That's the key, what I'm going through, not who I am. Lately since this has sunk in I am getting back to that sense of peace that I had felt like I was starting to lose again. As a whole, I'll have more conversations about things like music, clothes, guitars, makeup, shoes etc and a lot less about being "trans"
One of the things that have been irking Diane and I is the idea that I need to thank my lucky stars I have her because most women wouldn't stay. To some degree I understand this point of view but honestly, I'm not as lucky as people think. It's sad that people need to put boundaries on things like love. Isn't it possible that not only am I lucky to be loved by Diane but she by me? Don't I bring a lot to the table that makes her want to be with me? At what point did our relationship become so one sided that I needed to be "grateful" that she didn't dump me. Honestly, the more we hear this comment, the more insulted we are becoming by it. For the 2 of us, love is love and it isn't defined by what's between our legs. Sex is great but lets face it, it's a fraction of our lives together and I've not gotten a lobotomy people, smarten up, it is insulting to infer that she is in love with my penis, no wonder lesbians actually "get it" …
Things at work and with friends personally have been going well but I am starting to get frustrated with people not making the change over. There have been a few instances these past few weeks that really stick out.
A friend of mine here keeps calling me "Kev" and "he, him" etc. I am trying to be patient with him because he's just getting up to speed and he says he supports me but here's the kicker. When it comes time to make a joke "He'll put his hand up in the air over something I've said and say ..sheesh, women" . Why is it he can get the pronouns correct in jest?
Out to dinner with friends recently (Who are supportive) my friends wife referred to me as "He" several times. I could see Diane cringe when it happened. Right after she had done this, the waitress came over to take our orders and when she turned to Diane and I she simply asked "And what can I get you ladies"
YES! Vindication! Hopefully she picked up on it!
This week I had a hair appointment for a haircut, root touch up and I finally loosened up a bit to have a little fun. I needed to get some of the old "rock and roll" me back so I had a few blond patches added in my hair. I'm thinking it looks pretty cool and matches a little more of what my personality was like before I started transition.
In the local news recently a few big issues have come up that are noteworthy
Massachusetts has loosened up its policy on driver's licenses and now you can have your gender marker changed to reflect your gender identity provided you have proper documentation that you are being treated for GID. Kind of makes me wish I were living back in Mass now for just that privilege.
Mass and NH are now in process of debating and trying to get Gender Identity protections against discrimination. I was asked to speak at the NH statehouse in regards to this but I couldn't take the time off from work right now. I did however hear that the bill had no opposition in attendance! Woot, maybe we are finally going to be on equal footing!
Other than those life just kind of sails along and I'm just trying to be. The next thing I'm hoping for is the end of winter and the demise of snow .. just sayin ..
Hope you're well