Aug 28, 2011
As we sat at the dinner table it was Godzilla on one end, Cathy, Myself, on the other end was Jungle next to me, then on the opposite side was Aubry. The conversation that followed has NOT left my mind since that day. It went like this!
Godzilla: Cathy I have a question, you know the dilators EH
Godzilla: You know the dots on top of them eh? What are they for?
Cathy: Oh those are a measurement so you know how deep to go. The black dot is an average but if you dont have the depth, don't force it because you can do damage and hurt yourself badly.
Godzilla: Oh I dont have that problem eh, mine swallows it up whole
I swear to god my head went down into my plate and I tried hard not to laugh. Apprently Jungle did the same thing as me, he would later reveal he was afraid to look over at me because he knew he'd lose it. When I peeked over at him his eyes were as wide as silver dollars.
Trying to play it safe he looked straight up to avoid eye contact ith me but it didn't help because as he did so, Diane was sitting in the corner doubled over laughing her ASS off. Which now cause Jungle to let go in turn causing me to lose it. It was so bad that Diane got up and ran out of the room.
Seriously, what was she thinking.
Godzilla's room was down the hall from mine. Every morning around 2am the nurse would come in to take my vitals and Godzilla had a habit of constantly calling the nurses ont he phone. So as she was trying to do my vitals her phone rang and she had to stop to answer it
I not only heard the voice on the phone, I heard it down the hall in unison.
"Can I help you?"
Godzilla: "Hey you know the hole eh"
WTF ... seriously ..WTF ..
1)Diane and Cyn were coming to take me to breakfast and shopping to get my mind off the day
2)Godzilla had left for her surgery, I didn't have to see her for a while. Well, maybe not See her but I'd end up hearing her ...WTF
I ended up having my surgery on Tuesday March 22nd and I'll get into those details at another time but right now my focus is on Godzilla. Who I would hear constantly in the room next to mine. She had a very loud voice with a very distinct Canadian draw ...EH ...
She went back to the Asclepiade on Wed and I returned on Thursday to what seemed like a very dead crowd. As we would all get to know each other this would change drastically. I've never laughed so hard in all my life.
3x times a day Breakfast,Lunch,Dinner you are expected to come down to the dining room table to eat.They are very strict about no food in your room and they want you to keep your strength up for healing. So every meal the dinner bell would sound and we would all show up to eat and by merry..
Generally the last person to the table at every meal was Godzilla. I would learn fast she had little experience in the subject of table manners and acceptable behavior. One of the first meals here comes Godzilla to eat, micro miniskirt on and ass hanging out the back, two re-usable ice packs, one in each hand.
Godzilla sat at the end of the table, kicked back in the chair and proceeded to pull her miniskirt band down so she could stuff the icepacks into her crotch ... while we were eating .. again WTF .. Don't people think of others before they do stupid shit?
At another meal Godzilla waddled up to the table next to me during lunch and the conversation must have been about significant others to which Godzilla quipped tht when her boyfriend Tony wanted to kiss her she would have to biff him in the head and make him get up on a step.
I swear to god I threw my lunch up right in my mouth. Argh ..
On the table was usually a colander of soup with a ladle. Most people would bring the bowl up to the top of the colander, not Godzilla!! She out her bowl on the table and proceeded to pour it from the top of the colander (about 8" off the table) to her bowl, spilling it all over the table directly where I was sitting.
At some point during our Monty python moment Cynthia leaned over to Diane and remarked "Karyn's gonna be fuckin pissed" in that dirty little laugh Cynthia has! Geez ya think? If my crotch hadn't been rearranged and swollen 5x it's normal size I swear I'd have laid the bitch out at that point.
more to come
I had prebooked room 206 which was Cyns old room. As we entered the room he showed me where I'd be living for the next 10 days and instructed me to get settled, he would be back with another patient to show us around. I wasn't prepared for just how quickly things would go downhill from there.
When I heard them return outside my door I turned to come out of the room, butterflies in my stomach shaking knees wondering if I was doing the right thing and then I came face to with HER!
I don't usually like to be so harsh about other people, I try to see the best in others but she made it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to be anything but negative. I've affectionately named her "Godzilla" in all of my Montreal stories.
As I came face to face with Godzilla I could not even tell you what her name was at the time.I actually went into a state of shock upon seeing her. Godzilla was the epitome of what every trans girl tries NOT to be. She was the type of trans girl that gives most trans people a bad name in the public eyes. Whether she tried too hard to fit in or just didn't use common sense it was unknown but it wouldn't take long for me to figure that I did not like this person.
Lets start with the visual
Godzilla stood at about 6 foot tall, about 4 inches taller than I am. She was an overweight girl who carried all of it in her belly, a BIG beer belly that you would see most guy have hanging over their belt. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but when you take into account the fashionable outfit you then begin to understand my dilemma.
Godzilla was all decked out in black, starting with her black boots, then black tights, a black flared MICRO miniskirt that belonged on a 12 year old (Her ass hung out the back). She wore a black tight top that hugged the beer belly overhanging her micro mini. She had jet black hair with 2 ponytails hanging high off each side of her head and yet as you would think it couldn't get worse, think again!
Godzilla had a FULL goatee. OK ladies before you all jump on me I get the fact that some Trans girls simply aren't that far along with electrolysis. I would have believed that could be the case but for one detail. Ladies please, if you are in the process of getting your facial hair removed PLEASE so not intentionally grow it and shave it in the style of goatee... unless you are Female to Male then more power to ya.
Maybe I'm being harsh and I'll get bashed for it, but she did so much emotional damage to me I pleaded to leave and come home. Both Diane and Cyn supported whatever decision I needed to make. In fact my facebook post from that evening said "I've never felt so alone in all my life" I would not even leave my room. After seeing her my first thought was WTF am I doing to myself ... thankfully, I knew if I got that fixing myself, I'd never be able to live with myself after I left without finishing.
More Godzilla to follow
Driving up to Montreal was a quiet surreal event for me, lets face it my life was about to make a major step in a different direction. Being trans is NOT easy and transition is even harder. It takes a lot of soul searching and strength to get to the point of physically changing your body, but for a true transsexual it is the teeter point of finally feeling normal and at peace.
A lot of things enter your mind on a 5 hour drive to something like this. What am I going to feel like afterwards, will there be a lot of pain, will I be able to function normally. I had all these thoughts but they didn't prepare me for the person I'd soon meet and the emotionally turmoil it would leave me in.
Thankfully if it hadn't been for a handful of people that either escorted me there or were there for their own surgeries, I'd have never gotten through this easily.
My wife Diane, Cynthia, Jennifer, Kay, Jungle, Aubry and Cathy all made my week bearable and fun. Even the people that worked at the residence got involved in the laughs at times. Without these people I may not have completed my journey.
Mar 20, 2011
It hard sitting in the back of a car for 5 hours bring nervous of what you are about to experience but at the same time it is a lifetime of internal pain just to get here.
Last night we took time to have dinner with the whole family and then went back to my inlays for cake. The time they gave me last night was just what I needed and I'm taking that with me. It's amazing to be able to see that they are not only happy for me in what I. Have to do but they are also worried for me that everything turns out well. It's hard not to feel more loved than that. I'm lucky to have all the friends and family in my life that I do and I am forever grateful for them.
I once told my wife that maybe I was put here like this for a reason, maybe my being is to teach people about tolerance and diversity. Who knows but at least I know the people around me are forever changed along with me.
Diane seems to be at peace with things, more so than I am. I worry that I'm doing something that is hurtful to her and she constantly assures me that I'm not. How do you ever find a better partner than that?
Well enough for now, it has begun. I'll try updating as much as possible
Mar 14, 2011
Mar 13, 2011
My wife Diane for obvious reasons is the first. I met Diane when I was 17 and we have not only been best friends ever since, but we couldn't be more in love. Diane has known about my feelings for a great deal of our 20 year marriage and she never once wavered in what she expected of or for me. She has always wanted for my dreams to come true and for me to have that sense of happiness and inner peace that I could never seem to find internally. She wanted this for me unselfishly at the prospect of losing her man to a newer woman.
Every so often I would ask her if she was sure this was the right thing for both of us, she would always smile and give me a reassuring yes. She has admitted that without this she feels she would lose the person she loved due to suicide. Sometimes she shows that she is a much wiser woman than I am or could ever be.
Diane seems to look at every new step with excitement and wonderment. In some crazy way this could never be the same without sharing all these new steps with her. I grow more and more in love with her everyday. Something I'd never believed was possible.
The second woman who is an inspiration to me is Annah Moore. She inspires me not because she has some form of notoriety, she inspires me to be a better person because that's what she has been. She has shown a caring and love for a person 2800 miles away from her without any hesitation.
I knew Annah as a member of a few prominent guitar bulletin boards I ran. She was a cute girl that all the guys on the site would fall over every time she posted. They would be there to complement her every time she would post a new song she had recorded. Everyone saw her as a special girl because most women don't shred on guitar and here was this blond beauty who could rip.
One evening on the discovery health network was a show on transsexuals transitioning. It was designed to be a tasteful but educational show on transsexuals and on that show was this be beautiful blond ripping on a jackson guitar, her name Was Annah Moore!
I remember that morning when the story broke on our boards I vowed she would not be treated any differently and got our other administrators on board. Then I realized I had the perfect opportunity to tall to someone who not only has dealt with e same thing Im living with but she was brave enough to fix it. I emailed Annah and we have been friends ever since. She was the first person who had been able to get into my head and realize I was headed for a destructive path. She has given me a shoulder to lean on, celebrated each new victory, taught me to not be ashamed of who I am. I cannot ever look back on where I started or where I am now without being thankful for my angel Annah. I never believed in fate until I felt like she was pushed into my path for a reason. It was too perfect in timing to not be.
The third woman I admire and adore is Cynthia Tebbetts. My counselor told me about a story that was about to appear in our local paper. Obviously I looked forward to that because it was about exactly what I had been dealing with. In that story was a lady named Cynthia Tebbetts.
Let me start by saying I don't normally search out people in the paper but again, I believe Cynthia was put in my path for a reason. While profile hopping on myspace. I came across Cynthia's profile. What caught my eye was that in her list of heroes that she hoped to meet one day was my friend Annah. Cynthia saw Annah on dsc and had read Annah's book. Because of that one connection I decided to email her tell her who I was and thank her for her story in the paper. We have been good friends ever since.
Cynthia is playfully referred to as mom by some. It took me a while to see why. What I realized early about her is that she has a a depth for caring for people and animals that surpasses most people. She is another woman that walked the same path that I am and has never hesitated to be my shoulder or my strength in tough days.
Cyn is such a caring person that she volunteered to accompany Dee and I to Montreal for the 10 days just so Diane wouldn't have to be alone. She is such a giving caring person that I could never repay her but I am so proud to be able to call her my friend. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't email each other. In fact there isn't a day that I don't speak to each one of these women.
So in closing I wanted to thank each one publicly and show the people who read this blog that there are good people who care out there. There are people who can see through to your core and they can show enough love to change your path. My life will never be the same due to these three, but it will never be the same in a great way. Because of these three I have become a rich woman. They have given me a gift that I am thankful for everyday of my life now ...
Thanks ladies and I love you!
Mar 12, 2011
The point of this blog when I started was to be able to document a journal for myself as, well as allow others dealing with gender identity issues to have a resource. It would also allow people who wanted more insights into what it was an avenue to learn. Inevitably though for a lot of us surgery is the final step in moving on with out lives. GRS or genital reconstructive surgery is the big step to making a lot of us feel whoever and right. For me that comes in a little more than 1 week when I travel to Montreal and have GRS with Dr Pierre Brassard, one of the top surgeons in this field.
Over the last few weeks I've been through a lot preparing for my journey. I've had to stop my hormone therapy in preparation for surgery. It is a necessary caution as estrogen can cause blood clotting and other meds can can cause excessive bleeding. So while there is an upside to doing this there is also a huge burden to be dealt with, hormone withdrawal.
Hormone withdrawal sucks, I cannot state it any plainer at that. It basically mimics what menopause does in gender born women. I've run the gambit of symptoms from hot flashes to cramping in my legs and back to depression. It has not been a fun two weeks but I can easily justify it to get to e end of this and do so in a safe manner!
While sitting at my in-laws last week I had the first hot flash which my mother in law and her best friend thought funny. She laughed and remarked to me "well, you wanted to be a woman" I guess she could sympathize with what I was going though! Lol needless to say I have probably not been the most pleasant person to be around for the last few weeks.
Over the next days and weeks I am gong to try and document everything I experience. Not only for this blog but I am considering following in my friends footsteps and writing a book on my transition. While there are plenty of books on the subject, every story is unique and it doesn't hurt. Besides I find a lot of humor in my transition as I move forward, I have to or I'd go crazy!
Well this is enough for now but I'll be back. I need to publicly thank 3 of the most incredible women I know.