~Walking in New Shoes~

Last month was Dee and my 19th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been 19 years already, it just amazes me how fast time flies. We look at it with a lot of pride knowing that not many couples have that kind of longevity and yet in the bigger picture it's not really anything. Why would I discount my wedding anniversary and not really anything?

Well the best way to view it is to simply say that Diane I met in June of 1983, were dating in Nov and steady on my birthday that Dec so legitimately we have 26 years of history together. We are that rare couple that knew each other since Diane's senior year of highschool. I guess on some level you could say that I was her highschool sweetheart. How often do you ever hear of relationships lasting THAT long. Certainly something to be proud of.

On Sept 15th we received the usual anniversary card in the mail from my in-laws sending their well wishes. It was as we were backing into the driveway that I noticed the manner in which the envelope had been address. "Ms Diane Maynard and Ms K Maynard." I flashed the envelope over at Dee and it put a smile on her face.

When we got settled in after our work day that night Diane called her mom to let her know we had received the card and she made it a point to thank her for the manner in which the card had been addressed. This was the first time that I had been address in a female manner on any correspondence with her family, usually it was just K Maynard.

Her mom explained to her that she had been reading a story about wedding invitations and how a transgender family member should be addressed when sending this invitation to which Dear Abby explains that gender identification should be written to the preferred gender of the recipient. My mother in law took that letter to heart and made sure to remember that when sending our card. I can't tell you how nice of a feeling that was ….

Funny how one Dear Abby answer can make a difference in other peoples lives.

Rock on ~Karyn~

A few weeks ago America's top model ISIS was on Larry King live to discuss transgender issues and made a statement that made me really think. She exclaimed that she didn't consider herself trans any longer but she was simply a woman. I guess that's the ultimate goal, feeling so natural and corrected that we can just be. God knows that's all I've ever wanted is to have enough peace to just be.

The bigger picture made it appear as though she was distancing herself from trans people altogether and for some that can be a bit of a sore spot. You see, when I got my wake up call after hitting the wall I had an incredible amount of support from my friend Annah Moore.

Annah had already walked the path I am walking and when I asked her why she was so open about who she was and not stealth her answer made so much sense to me. The thing about Annah is that she is so pretty that she could easily go stealth but instead chose to be open about who she was. It intrigued me and I really wanted to know why and that was when I made a promise to her. I was told that all she wanted in return for being my support was for me to pay it forward and then my own dilemma started.

Paying it forward was something she felt should be done in helping those that suffer behind us and in doing so it means not being stealth and being proud of who we are. Let's face it we fight years of shame and guilt and then have to learn no to have those feelings about ourselves. There was never a bigger person disappointed in who someone was as I was in myself. So I looked at Annah and I looked behind me and realized that I needed to be as open as possible. Help when needed if even to help one person not suffer with this. Educate when asked questions so people get the right information and realize that we are just people who are overcoming our own struggles just like any other human being and so the decision to pay it forward VS being stealth hit me.

When I initially started to transition my intention was to go stealth and maybe even move somewhere where no one knew my history. Give up my job, give up my old friends so that I could simply be myself without fear of being ostracized and hurt by the people I loved and cared about. When it came down to it, I realized that I appreciate every person who touched my life over the years so much that I simply couldn't walk away.

When I started transition I couldn't even utter the word transsexual let alone admit that I was one. Heck I not only hid it well, not one of my friends for the last 40 years had even figured it out. To put myself out there meant overriding some of my worst possible fears and being open and honest about not only whom I was, but most of all being proud to be me.

When I joined facebook I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would connect with so many of my old friends, but one by one they have slowly come out of the wood work. From my younger years growing up in Lawrence to the people that I hung around with as a teenager, the people I went to high school with to the people I've worked with. They all started coming out of the woodwork.

Some found me and some I struggled with the fear of outing myself and hoping for at the very least a decent reaction. Every one of those people touched my life and made me who I am today in some sense. If it wasn't for the friendship and love of every individual person that crossed my path, I not only wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be alive today. Every one of those people helped make a tough life bearable in some small way. Simply put they made a difference in me.

If you're reading this because you were sent the link, then this was written for you to simply say thank you. Thank you for accepting me for who I was then and who I am now. If it weren't for every one of your moments with me I would have never been able to be me. I would have never been able to appreciate a life that viewed by many should have been a gift. For me it was a hell.

I admit, I've been luckier than most who have transitioned, I've lost not one person that I'm aware of. I guess that speaks volumes for not only the choices I've made in people, but the fact that every one of those people are quality people, people whom you are lucky to have in your life. People who simply care about their friends and the people around them.

I have a lot of fond memories of those people and I am thankful every day of my life for each one of them …

Thanks all ..

Karyn

Back when I was 13 years old my mom and grandmother made the decision that the inner city was no longer a good place to bring up a kid, especially a young teenager. They wanted to get out of living on a street and move from Lawrence, a city of about 70,000 to the next town over Methuen and town of about 30,000. Part of the motivation behind this was the fact my mom didn't want me going to Lawrence High School. There were no worries on my part, I had no intention on attending that school as I was in process of taking entrance exams to our regional vocational school. Back in that day you needed to be of a certain skill set to attend the "Voke' as we so loving call it. Not that we needed to be any more intelligent. In fact to this day we all joke that we are vokies so not much can be expected of us. Anytime we say or do something stupid it's very easy to blame it on being a vokie. People who went to regular high schools often view people at the Voke as people who couldn't make it in college. The reality was that because your weeks were split between academics and shop studies we had to work twice as hard. We still had to meet state requirements with 1/2 the class time to do it in.

We actually moved from Lawrence to Methuen in April of 1978 leaving me with only a month or so to complete the 8th grade at the Oliver in Lawrence so I could go onto high school. This would mean walking from Methuen to the school in downtown Lawrence, a 2-3 mile walk. In those days we actually felt safe enough to let kids of that age go that distance on their own ..LOL. Back then it wasn't without its fears. Walking through areas that I was used too was a little scary but none the less it was only for a short time.

The home my mom purchased in Methuen was a townhouse that was in a complex of 4 buildings, each build holding 4 units. Out of the 16 units only 1 of them had any kids my age, as it would turn out the boy "J" would have a lot of similar interests as me and we would eventually become good friends. Just down the street was an entire neighborhood of duplexes that held a plethora of children of every age imaginable. My days living in the area would turn out yielding some really good friendships.

"J" was a good kid and seemed to be fairly intelligent. We were both into Heavy Metal music and specifically both heavily into the band Kiss. In fact one Halloween J, his little sister Cher and I all went out dressed as members of Kiss for Halloween. Something I had long forgotten until I was reminded of it recently. J's little sister Cher was about 2 years younger than we were so when I first moved in I hadn't paid her much mind other than her being my friends pain in the butt little sister (Not my words, J's words LOL). Over the course of the next several years of hanging out with J and Cher we all got older, grew and tastes would change. Something I had never expected was a sudden attraction between Cher and myself and it was something that just kind of happened.

I spent the better part of a year being enamored by the cute little brunette who would play chicken with me (Inside joke) but then when I was more set in high school things just seemed to change. To this day I've never forgotten my first girlfriend and most of all I still hold some fond memories of her. I also remember a few of the more painful ones and readily admit that in not dealing with my GID there were times I'd done or said things that I'm not proud of. In fact after bumping into her about 10 years ago I even apologized for the way I treated her back then, I've never totally forgotten that. I tended to be a bit of a womanizer in my earlier days in an attempt to prove my manhood and hide my GID.

Recently while searching my old high school on facebook I came across "Cher's" profile. I sat back in my seat wondering if it would be wise to friend request her. Being friends with her and then her being my first girlfriend certainly played against each other to some degree. I had to ask my friend Kristi how she would feel if she suddenly found out that an ex boyfriend was now an ex girlfriend and then I went out on a limb and sent the message hoping for the best. "Cher" recognized me almost right away and answered me which was awesome and over the last week we have had the chance to talk quite a bit of old times as well as current events in our lives. I was very happy to hear she was in a good place and she seems happy. I'm more thrilled that I have another old friend who is very accepting of my changes. I'm not sure how shocking it was to her but she was very gracious about it. I'm not totally sure what it must be like for her having a friendship with someone who is familiar but different at the same time, but to say she has been anything short of open and accepting is an under statement. In fact, it's really nice having another person that I share a past with say, it doesn't matter; I like you for you!

About 10 years ago I had the pleasure of spending some time with "J". Turned out after I moved away he decided to pick up the guitar. I only wish he had decided to do that when he was younger and could have been more involved with some of the band stuff I was doing. It might have steered his life into a better path than the one he had chosen. If anything, he seemed to be doing well and spent a few days jamming with me and trying to learn a few things that I could share with him. Cher said he is doing well, still playing after all this time. I hope that when he hears about his friend that he'll be open to it but if not I can't change how he feels. It would be nice to see him again and maybe play a bit. If anything I'm just happy he's doing well …

Anyway, if you're reading this Cher thank you for not only being accepting, but doing so in a new way that makes me feel like I have a new/old friendship again ..you're awesome!

~K~

HB 415 The anti discrimination gender identity bill.

The bill made it all the way to the senate and then got dropped in a 24-0 vote. Sadly this was because of the scare tactics of the conservative right painting all us trans people as perverted pedophiles. Scaring women into thinking that all of a sudden their will be men in their bathrooms. I guess ignorance is bliss but I'll state the obvious anyway. Sorry peeps I'm not a dude, never have been, never will be and ya know what else? We are already in the proper bathrooms! We just blend in like we should. We are there to pee, not have sex .. Sheesh!

Sad that a bill meant to prevent people from being discriminated against was dropped over that

Same Sex marriage

This bill passed the house, got a recommendation to be killed in the senate, Got rewritten in the senate, passed and is headed back to the house for a new vote. It is expected to pass today. The only thing up in the air is whether Gov Lynch signs it. He's already said he defines marriage as one-woman, one-man.

As most people know I have stated that I am a registered republican. The only time I've ever voted differently was back in the Clinton years I went with an independent. I tend to be fiscally conservative and liberally social. Given some of the mud slinging and name that the Trans people have been subject too by the Republican Party in NH, I think I'm almost ready to jump ship. We'll see.

Personal notes.

Dee and I learned at Easter that our 2nd grandchild is on the way. We are both extremely excited about this. GG is growing fast and starting to talk. We are both hooked on her deeply and it kills us not to be able to see her more. As of right now it is looking like GC #2 will be born in the same month of my birth, December

I've been busy making new friends lately and I'm finding that good cross-sections of people are very understanding and accepting. I'm slowly getting to the point of feeling that I don't need to share my status with everyone anymore and that I can just live as Karyn. The nicest part is that I've gained some really nice friendships with women and I'm feeling for the first time that I fit in.. Totally awesome.

One of these people is a singer that I'm starting to teach some guitar too. We may also do some writing and performing together in the future. We'll see where it leads but at this point I'm just happy to be playing more again. It will be even nicer to get back onstage.

I've gone a little wild with my hair and added some blond patches. I actually added them a few months ago but they were very subtle. Now they are VERY blond and it is kind of funky looking. I notice a lot more people looking twice at me now.

I FINALLY got off my butt and replaced my Harley Denim riding jacket. I say finally because it was literally one of the last male pieces of clothing I was clinging too. Sorry, I just loved that jacket because it was a 100th anniversary jacket and my bike is a 100th Ann Harley. I will say that I got a cute jacket with a mandarin collar that I love. It has a nice feminine logo on the back of it and is slightly fitted.

Gawd I wish someone had told me how expensive it would be changing these things over.

Now I need to replace my leather and my vest to something more appropriate.

Not much more has changed with me physically. The chest has made it to a 38B size and it may still be filling out. I do know that when I wear a pushup bra I get some decent cleavage, something I'd never expected due to my age. My skin has continued to remain softened and a bit dryer than it used to be. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I don't seem to sweat nearly as much as I used too.

Emotionally I have leveled out a great deal since a few years ago. I don't have the shifts in emotions that I had early on. Now I'm just feeling more calmed and at peace with life which is one of the greatest gifts I've gotten in this.

Overall things are moving forward and I'm awesome. I'm closing in on the 1st anniversary of my name change, which to me is amazing. It's so hard to believe that much time has passed by.

~K~