I haven't blogged in a while as I haven't really had the inspiration. I've been putting more effort into me, my guitar playing, teaching, my family, my Harley and numerous other things. For the most part, life is good.
Yesterday on WCVB.com in reference to an anti discrimination bill being debated for gender identity some comments by a reader were made within the comment section of the article. While I support free speech and I believe that it is one of the things that makes being American so great, I have to sometime wonder the mentality of people who write such comments.
All these freaks should not be allowed the same rights as everyone else. They see fit to change what the Creator gave them....so the rights provided them in the Constitution and granted from the Creator are null and void. And for all you libs out there.....I find it so amusing that when someone disagrees with you, you call them ignorant ...look in the mirror kids.
Crazy huh? I have no constitutional rights because I violated "gods" laws. I wasn't aware that's how it worked.
Well it got me to thinking about how we live our lives and how it relates to how others live their lives. Why does it really matter? One of the golden rules when we step out in public is how does our actions and decisions affect other people in society on a daily basis? Does it totally infringe on another human beings right to exist? Their safety? Their ability to earn a living?
Take for instance the right to smoke vs the right to be smoke free. At what point does a smokers right infringe on that of another human being. Should another person be forced to inhale the same carcinogen that the smoker is just because it is the smokers right to poison himself? Obviously the answer is no, he doesn't have the right to harm someone else, only himself if he so chooses.
So how does correcting Gender Identity issues infringe on another human beings rights to exist in public? Does it create a safety issue? Of course it doesn't. Does it infringe on their right to earn a living? Again, of course not. Does it affect them in the least? No! In fact, in most instances people would have a clue as to what is in my pants unless I either ran screaming stark naked down a city street or I simply told them.
Everyday I get up, go to work, earn a living, pay my taxes, purchase goods and contribute to society. Does my dollar value suddenly become with less to any business owner based on what is or is not in my pants? No, of course not.
Lastly, where does the so-called law of god stop and man made laws take over. Some people would argue that freedom of religion make certain ":moral" issues a no no. By taking this point of view whether you believe in god or not you are required to live by gods law. So much for having freedom of religion in our great country.
Look around as you walk down any given street. There are people of various genders, colors, nationalities etc. What lessens any one of those people as a human being? Why are we so judgmental of someone we know little about and don't want to take the time learning about? It seems the easiest way to forget about our won problems is to cast judgment on someone else and suddenly the world is righted.
Year ago I worked with a guy who wasn't having a good day unless he was literally making you miserable. I guess it goes to show misery loves company. While at the time the misery he was creating for me probably ruined my day I now look back on it with pity for that person having to be so negative.
Sometimes it is funny how things can go full circle in your life without ever having any expectation of it happening. Recently I had something happen that turned out to be a nice surprise. I had been on the fence over sharing this but the other person involved felt that it was part of the story and should be told. My concern was more for her privacy than anything. But here it is.
Back when I was 13 years old my mom and grandmother made the decision that the inner city was no longer a good place to bring up a kid, especially a young teenager. They wanted to get out of living on a street and move from Lawrence, a city of about 70,000 to the next town over Methuen and town of about 30,000. Part of the motivation behind this was the fact my mom didn't want me going to Lawrence High School. There were no worries on my part, I had no intention on attending that school as I was in process of taking entrance exams to our regional vocational school. Back in that day you needed to be of a certain skill set to attend the "Voke' as we so loving call it. Not that we needed to be any more intelligent. In fact to this day we all joke that we are vokies so not much can be expected of us. Anytime we say or do something stupid it's very easy to blame it on being a vokie. People who went to regular high schools often view people at the Voke as people who couldn't make it in college. The reality was that because your weeks were split between academics and shop studies we had to work twice as hard. We still had to meet state requirements with 1/2 the class time to do it in.
We actually moved from Lawrence to Methuen in April of 1978 leaving me with only a month or so to complete the 8th grade at the Oliver in Lawrence so I could go onto high school. This would mean walking from Methuen to the school in downtown Lawrence, a 2-3 mile walk. In those days we actually felt safe enough to let kids of that age go that distance on their own ..LOL. Back then it wasn't without its fears. Walking through areas that I was used too was a little scary but none the less it was only for a short time.
The home my mom purchased in Methuen was a townhouse that was in a complex of 4 buildings, each build holding 4 units. Out of the 16 units only 1 of them had any kids my age, as it would turn out the boy "J" would have a lot of similar interests as me and we would eventually become good friends. Just down the street was an entire neighborhood of duplexes that held a plethora of children of every age imaginable. My days living in the area would turn out yielding some really good friendships.
"J" was a good kid and seemed to be fairly intelligent. We were both into Heavy Metal music and specifically both heavily into the band Kiss. In fact one Halloween J, his little sister Cher and I all went out dressed as members of Kiss for Halloween. Something I had long forgotten until I was reminded of it recently. J's little sister Cher was about 2 years younger than we were so when I first moved in I hadn't paid her much mind other than her being my friends pain in the butt little sister (Not my words, J's words LOL). Over the course of the next several years of hanging out with J and Cher we all got older, grew and tastes would change. Something I had never expected was a sudden attraction between Cher and myself and it was something that just kind of happened.
I spent the better part of a year being enamored by the cute little brunette who would play chicken with me (Inside joke) but then when I was more set in high school things just seemed to change. To this day I've never forgotten my first girlfriend and most of all I still hold some fond memories of her. I also remember a few of the more painful ones and readily admit that in not dealing with my GID there were times I'd done or said things that I'm not proud of. In fact after bumping into her about 10 years ago I even apologized for the way I treated her back then, I've never totally forgotten that. I tended to be a bit of a womanizer in my earlier days in an attempt to prove my manhood and hide my GID.
Recently while searching my old high school on facebook I came across "Cher's" profile. I sat back in my seat wondering if it would be wise to friend request her. Being friends with her and then her being my first girlfriend certainly played against each other to some degree. I had to ask my friend Kristi how she would feel if she suddenly found out that an ex boyfriend was now an ex girlfriend and then I went out on a limb and sent the message hoping for the best. "Cher" recognized me almost right away and answered me which was awesome and over the last week we have had the chance to talk quite a bit of old times as well as current events in our lives. I was very happy to hear she was in a good place and she seems happy. I'm more thrilled that I have another old friend who is very accepting of my changes. I'm not sure how shocking it was to her but she was very gracious about it. I'm not totally sure what it must be like for her having a friendship with someone who is familiar but different at the same time, but to say she has been anything short of open and accepting is an under statement. In fact, it's really nice having another person that I share a past with say, it doesn't matter; I like you for you!
About 10 years ago I had the pleasure of spending some time with "J". Turned out after I moved away he decided to pick up the guitar. I only wish he had decided to do that when he was younger and could have been more involved with some of the band stuff I was doing. It might have steered his life into a better path than the one he had chosen. If anything, he seemed to be doing well and spent a few days jamming with me and trying to learn a few things that I could share with him. Cher said he is doing well, still playing after all this time. I hope that when he hears about his friend that he'll be open to it but if not I can't change how he feels. It would be nice to see him again and maybe play a bit. If anything I'm just happy he's doing well …
Anyway, if you're reading this Cher thank you for not only being accepting, but doing so in a new way that makes me feel like I have a new/old friendship again ..you're awesome!
Been a while since I've had much to say. Every time I think it is time to get back on the horse and start writing I just don't have it in me. That and I never think I have much to share anymore I guess. At any rate I've cut way back on web stuff lately and really only visit facebook to see what my friends are doing. So let's see what I can dig up that is new.
HB 415 The anti discrimination gender identity bill.
The bill made it all the way to the senate and then got dropped in a 24-0 vote. Sadly this was because of the scare tactics of the conservative right painting all us trans people as perverted pedophiles. Scaring women into thinking that all of a sudden their will be men in their bathrooms. I guess ignorance is bliss but I'll state the obvious anyway. Sorry peeps I'm not a dude, never have been, never will be and ya know what else? We are already in the proper bathrooms! We just blend in like we should. We are there to pee, not have sex .. Sheesh!
Sad that a bill meant to prevent people from being discriminated against was dropped over that
Same Sex marriage
This bill passed the house, got a recommendation to be killed in the senate, Got rewritten in the senate, passed and is headed back to the house for a new vote. It is expected to pass today. The only thing up in the air is whether Gov Lynch signs it. He's already said he defines marriage as one-woman, one-man.
As most people know I have stated that I am a registered republican. The only time I've ever voted differently was back in the Clinton years I went with an independent. I tend to be fiscally conservative and liberally social. Given some of the mud slinging and name that the Trans people have been subject too by the Republican Party in NH, I think I'm almost ready to jump ship. We'll see.
Personal notes.
Dee and I learned at Easter that our 2nd grandchild is on the way. We are both extremely excited about this. GG is growing fast and starting to talk. We are both hooked on her deeply and it kills us not to be able to see her more. As of right now it is looking like GC #2 will be born in the same month of my birth, December
I've been busy making new friends lately and I'm finding that good cross-sections of people are very understanding and accepting. I'm slowly getting to the point of feeling that I don't need to share my status with everyone anymore and that I can just live as Karyn. The nicest part is that I've gained some really nice friendships with women and I'm feeling for the first time that I fit in.. Totally awesome.
One of these people is a singer that I'm starting to teach some guitar too. We may also do some writing and performing together in the future. We'll see where it leads but at this point I'm just happy to be playing more again. It will be even nicer to get back onstage.
I've gone a little wild with my hair and added some blond patches. I actually added them a few months ago but they were very subtle. Now they are VERY blond and it is kind of funky looking. I notice a lot more people looking twice at me now.
I FINALLY got off my butt and replaced my Harley Denim riding jacket. I say finally because it was literally one of the last male pieces of clothing I was clinging too. Sorry, I just loved that jacket because it was a 100th anniversary jacket and my bike is a 100th Ann Harley. I will say that I got a cute jacket with a mandarin collar that I love. It has a nice feminine logo on the back of it and is slightly fitted.
Gawd I wish someone had told me how expensive it would be changing these things over.
Now I need to replace my leather and my vest to something more appropriate.
Not much more has changed with me physically. The chest has made it to a 38B size and it may still be filling out. I do know that when I wear a pushup bra I get some decent cleavage, something I'd never expected due to my age. My skin has continued to remain softened and a bit dryer than it used to be. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I don't seem to sweat nearly as much as I used too.
Emotionally I have leveled out a great deal since a few years ago. I don't have the shifts in emotions that I had early on. Now I'm just feeling more calmed and at peace with life which is one of the greatest gifts I've gotten in this.
Overall things are moving forward and I'm awesome. I'm closing in on the 1st anniversary of my name change, which to me is amazing. It's so hard to believe that much time has passed by.
This week will prove to be a rather big week politically for the state of NH. Just a few short weeks ago the NH House of Representatives took up several controversial bills regarding things such as the use of medical marijuana, repeal of the death penalty, same sex marriage and of course an anti discrimination bill to add gender identity to the states protections.
The first time HB 415 came to vote was towards the end of a long days session where a great deal of legislators had left for the day. The bill had been defeated by a 15 vote margin. I can tell you it was an emotionally crushing day. Several of the people involved are people I know personally that put their best efforts forward in getting the bill passed only to be defeated.
A few short days later a motion to reconsider the bill was brought back due to the lack of representation during the initial vote. The conservative side of the measure did everything they could to either delay or change the direction of the bill watering down its effect. At the end of the session HB 415 passed by one vote and my faith in the NH political system was again being restored.
Like most other states and municipalities who have past similar measures, the same cut throat lying techniques have been applied here in NH drawing attention from what the bills true intent is making it about whether as a trans person I should have access to a bathroom of all things.
How absurd it must be to assume that by protecting someone in transition that somehow a predator would use the law as a means to legally attack someone in a bathroom. Let's face it people anyone with an IQ above 10 can figure out that if they are going to break the law, they are going to do so no matter what. Instead it is easier to dehumanize people like me and make us so out of touch with reality that the "normal" people need to be protected from us.
It's easy to see in my everyday life that I do not belong in a men's restroom and quite honestly I am extremely uncomfortable by even the thought of having to do so. I have NEVER been comfortable with it. I've seen the argument that children should be exposed to "a man in a dress" in the ladies room and one conservative legislator even had the nerve in an email to a trans constituent to label it the "Corporal Klinger bill". For once I wish people would cast aside insane sensationalism and think logically.
You can be concerned about coming face to face with a man in dress all you want but chances are, you've already passed a trans person in your lives. Can you possibly imagine how confusing it could be to see a trans man in the womans room? People are so naïve that they treat our transitions as though we all stand out like a sore thumb which the reality is quite the opposite.
What would happen to a transsexual woman entering a public mens room dressed well with makeup on? Would she be put in danger? Would children in that restroom somehow be LESS confused by that?
Lets call a spade a spade here and state the obvious. If you are a man, you belong in the mens room. If you are a trans man you belong in the mensroom, if you are a trans woman you belong in the mens room. If you are a lesbian you belong in the mens room. If you are a butch looking female, yup ..yoo too shouldn't be I the womans rooom. How freaken stupid does all this sound? All for a bill designed at preventing people from losing their jobs? It is amazing what sensationalism will not only be applied too but the level of people that are so weak minded to actually THINK it has merit.
This Thursday HB 415 comes up before the NH senate for public hearing. I have already emailed all our senators requesting their support for this bill but again I am worried that even educated people will be swayed by the sensationalism of a few bigots. Human rights should never be put of for public opinion or vote. The right of a majority to suppress a minority is nothing more than tyranny in its most basic form.
These past few weeks I have been active on message boards across the state I've been called some of the most vile things by ignorant people and had to keep a positive attitude in the process. It hasn't been easy by I'm hoping that in the end this bill will prevail.
I've been poked and prodded to share the following story and experience on my blog by my friend Cynthia. So, this is for her ..
In transition going into RLT "Real life test" one of the requirements is to change all your documentation into a gender appropriate name. This means going to the court and legally obtaining a name in your target gender, filing it with the DMV for a new license, SS for Govt issues, your financial and so forth. As thorough as one can be even after almost a year the old name still creeps up in areas that haven't been changed. In my case this past month it has been my eye Dr.
Every instance where I have had to change my name for an appointment the office had been notified of the change and noted my account. If they needed addition documentation they would usually say that they noted the account and just bring the new insurance card in at the next appointment. For instance when my dentist was notified they simply asked that I being in my new insurance card and that they had changed my account. They even used my new name 3 days before when they called to verify my appointment all without seeing my new card. I cannot stress how nice it is to not only have it go so smooth but have them call you and say .. Hi, Karyn has an appointment on!
Recently after my wife telling me that she wanted to go to contacts and looking into exactly what our insurance covered I decided it was time to go see the eye Dr as it had been about 3 years since my last appointment. I've never needed glasses but I've noticed in the last year or two that small print is becoming a bit tougher for me to focus on.
In other words .. it's time!
Now for the sake of the story I carry 3 separate types of insurance by different companies. Heath, Vision and Dental ..
When the call was made for the appointment it was realized that my name was never changed with the eye Dr's so Dee explained to them there had been a name change. Having done this with various other Dr's and services she has become accustomed to the old "We'll note the account" answer, but today she wouldn't hear that, instead she heard "Sorry we wont do that until you come in and provide your blue cross cards.
WHAT????
We have been going there long enough for the office to realize that we don't use blue cross for eye insurance, we use VSP! Under the terms of my eye insurance they need to verify make sure we have coverage for services provided and they have been doing this for years. This time they wanted my BCBS cards in ADDITION to my vision care cards.
When I asked Dee if she ever provided them before she said no, they never asked or needed them, so why all of a sudden am I being told they need them? They have no right to demand anything other than my ID and vision care of even the court order and I've refused to give them the cards.
The Friday before my appointment there was a call from the office to my home answering machine asking Kevin to please call back immediately upon receipt of this message.
Ok a couple of things to note ..
1) There is no Kevin that lives at my home or at that number. (unless the people asking had not been previously notified) 2) I was well aware when they tried to pre approve my VSP that they would get denied, after all they refused to use the name of the provider instead opting for my old name which has been changed on all insurance. 3) I wasn't calling them back! Enough is enough
I can only feel like this office had been less than accepting of my change. How hard was it to note the account that I would bring in a court order or whatever. So I set out to find a new eye Dr and succeeded in finding a really nice one.
When I got to the nee office I was handed a medical form, which I proceeded to fill out, and at the very top was the box M-F? When I looked at Dee and pointed it out she told me to just put F. Now normally I have no issue doing this but I am always confused in any health situation because you need to disclose medical status and medications, so I simply left it blank.
The Dr came out, asked for me and introduced herself to both Diane and I. She then took me into the exam room and proceeded to go over my medical history. Like most transsexuals I always face the dilemma of "to tell or not tell" but given the fact that I'm on HRT I felt it best to reveal. When she hit the medications listing I explained to her that I was TG and she looked at me with a stunned look on her face, jaw slightly open.
Dr- You mean you're um, you used to be a man and now you're a woman? Me-Yup, that's exactly what it means with a grin on my face. Dr- Um, wow I would have never guessed!!
When I explained that it can be tough because not everyone is accepting of it she seemed to be very compassionate to what we have deal with. She had also explained to me she had known one other but that person was a lot more obvious because they still had a lot of male characteristics in the face and proceeded to be wowed that I wasn't as obvious.
Normally because of my work I don't wear makeup, I don't wear anything extremely girlie. It's girl's jeans, girls T-shirt and usually my hair in a ponytail until I'm away from the machinery. So I guess to some degree I look tomboyish.
As she was getting ready to start the exam she put her hand on my arm and asked ":Do you mind if I'm totally honest with you?" I'm a very open and honest person so of course I said yes. She then reveals that when we walked in that she assumed Dee and I were a lesbian couple and that.. At that point I smiled and stopped her to finish her sentence. You thought I was the butch and she was the fem and she giggled and said yeah! .
All in all I found this Dr to be very open warm and accepting, someone I intend to use for my eyes for years to come. It's nice to find people like this in a world that constantly looks down on our plight!
Oh yeah, and now I need reading glasses, dammit I'm getting old!
Lori D had written an interesting good blog regard personal validation recently that made me sit and think a bit. Like most I've certainly had my share of aha moments concerning this very subject and let's face it, being validated makes us feel like we have certainly arrived at our destination. It can set our minds at ease about whether or not we can successfully transition. But what does it really mean in the bigger picture? We are validated internally by our feelings and technically that's all we really need. At the end of the very long day we all simply want to be accepted though and in this we seek our validation.
There are 2 ways we find validation.
1) We work to be stealth and move about our day in our target gender without anyone ever guessing our pasts. 2) We allow people into our world and find acceptance as who we are.
Every time my wife and I got out for a drink, out for a dinner or out to a store and someone identifies me as female in the course of our interactions you can see a look of pleasure appear over my face. I exhale as though finding acceptance is like being relieved of the pressures of not feeling right for so long. Kind of like the pressure cooker was built up beyond it's recommended bursting point. What I've come to realize within the broader scope of things is that I feel much more satisfaction in someone "knowing" my past and truly accepting me as Karyn. To me, this shows the purity in the heart that I've often wondered was missing from the human race.
In countless instances that someone didn't know my story or someone who knew "Kev" but hadn't seen him in a long time find out, have a great reaction to the change and yet still accept me for what is in my heart. That in my opinion is the sincerest form of acceptance. It at times has lent itself to being some of the most humorous and memorable interactions I've had.
Walk down the street at any given time as a transsexual and you feel like the whole world is staring at you, so we really embrace those times we realize that stealth simply gives us the anonymity that we need. But in any given room of people we will always be guarded over our crazy little secret as though it is a juicy tidbit just lying in wait to be used against us.
We feel this way because in these circumstance we have no way to judge what may be in any given individuals heart. Someone who was nice to you 5 minutes before could suddenly look down at you because they have learned something that they don't understand or simply don't agree with. What a shame isn't it? Validation is great in any form but it is those that accept us knowing that all our flaws make us who we are, those are the people that are worth recognizing and to me that is the best form of validation.
Name: ~K~ Home: New England About Me: I'm 42 and finally trying to strip myself of the lie I was living and just worry about being myself. It's been an up and down journey so far but I am much better for being true to myself ... See my complete profile
