May 23, 2012
Dr Brassard had me take my bottoms and undies off so he could examine me. As he pulled the stirrups out he looked at me and asked, "you know what to do here?" Without missing a beat I looked at him and said no and wasn't prepared for his answer.
"Well you don't put your elbows in them"
His wit never ceases to amaze me. I climbed up on the exam table and stuck my feet in the stirrups for the first time (at least awake since the last time was during surgery and I was sleeping). As I scooted down he got into postition and looked up at me stating.
"Can I have a look"
I simply couldn't resist so I replied "Sure, it's your work anyway"
Again without missing a beat his charming wit presented "Well while it is my work it does belong to you, although I do have a certain amount of myself invested in it"
I swear I dont know how I didn't pee laughing. OMG, I'm hearing this in such an awkward position. LOL. As he was examining me he was question a spot I had mentioned as being a tad sore so he asked me to point to it. It's kind of awkward trying to point down between your legs like that but I was able to at least give him a general idea. As he examined me he couldn't seem to locate anything out of the orinary. But to be sure he wanted me to be able to see where I was pointing and direct the nurse to get me a hand held mirror. She retrieved the mirror and placed it on my belly. As I grabbed it and put it down between my legs in search of "The spot" something caught my eye. Something that well for lack of a better term left me not only mortified, but knowing I had one hell of a story for my first real vaginal exam.
As I peered into the mirror, stuck to the side of my year old labia was a piece, no ..maybe more like a chunk of stuck dried TOILET PAPER!!!!!
I'm sorry but I've never thought I could be horrified and amused all in one shot. To his credit Dr Brassard never missed a beat, never drew attention to it and never said a word. So there it is, my first real exam and it couldn't just be an exam, it HAD to be memorable ..
We did have a fun trip to Montreal. I got to see some great friends I'd missed, Jungle and Alexis. Got to do some shopping. Got to see the residence again aqnd most of all got quality time with my friends Cyn and Jenn. But somehow given all that I'm still stuck on the memory of my first "exam"
Aug 28, 2011
As we sat at the dinner table it was Godzilla on one end, Cathy, Myself, on the other end was Jungle next to me, then on the opposite side was Aubry. The conversation that followed has NOT left my mind since that day. It went like this!
Godzilla: Cathy I have a question, you know the dilators EH
Godzilla: You know the dots on top of them eh? What are they for?
Cathy: Oh those are a measurement so you know how deep to go. The black dot is an average but if you dont have the depth, don't force it because you can do damage and hurt yourself badly.
Godzilla: Oh I dont have that problem eh, mine swallows it up whole
I swear to god my head went down into my plate and I tried hard not to laugh. Apprently Jungle did the same thing as me, he would later reveal he was afraid to look over at me because he knew he'd lose it. When I peeked over at him his eyes were as wide as silver dollars.
Trying to play it safe he looked straight up to avoid eye contact ith me but it didn't help because as he did so, Diane was sitting in the corner doubled over laughing her ASS off. Which now cause Jungle to let go in turn causing me to lose it. It was so bad that Diane got up and ran out of the room.
Seriously, what was she thinking.
Godzilla's room was down the hall from mine. Every morning around 2am the nurse would come in to take my vitals and Godzilla had a habit of constantly calling the nurses ont he phone. So as she was trying to do my vitals her phone rang and she had to stop to answer it
I not only heard the voice on the phone, I heard it down the hall in unison.
"Can I help you?"
Godzilla: "Hey you know the hole eh"
WTF ... seriously ..WTF ..
1)Diane and Cyn were coming to take me to breakfast and shopping to get my mind off the day
2)Godzilla had left for her surgery, I didn't have to see her for a while. Well, maybe not See her but I'd end up hearing her ...WTF
I ended up having my surgery on Tuesday March 22nd and I'll get into those details at another time but right now my focus is on Godzilla. Who I would hear constantly in the room next to mine. She had a very loud voice with a very distinct Canadian draw ...EH ...
She went back to the Asclepiade on Wed and I returned on Thursday to what seemed like a very dead crowd. As we would all get to know each other this would change drastically. I've never laughed so hard in all my life.
3x times a day Breakfast,Lunch,Dinner you are expected to come down to the dining room table to eat.They are very strict about no food in your room and they want you to keep your strength up for healing. So every meal the dinner bell would sound and we would all show up to eat and by merry..
Generally the last person to the table at every meal was Godzilla. I would learn fast she had little experience in the subject of table manners and acceptable behavior. One of the first meals here comes Godzilla to eat, micro miniskirt on and ass hanging out the back, two re-usable ice packs, one in each hand.
Godzilla sat at the end of the table, kicked back in the chair and proceeded to pull her miniskirt band down so she could stuff the icepacks into her crotch ... while we were eating .. again WTF .. Don't people think of others before they do stupid shit?
At another meal Godzilla waddled up to the table next to me during lunch and the conversation must have been about significant others to which Godzilla quipped tht when her boyfriend Tony wanted to kiss her she would have to biff him in the head and make him get up on a step.
I swear to god I threw my lunch up right in my mouth. Argh ..
On the table was usually a colander of soup with a ladle. Most people would bring the bowl up to the top of the colander, not Godzilla!! She out her bowl on the table and proceeded to pour it from the top of the colander (about 8" off the table) to her bowl, spilling it all over the table directly where I was sitting.
At some point during our Monty python moment Cynthia leaned over to Diane and remarked "Karyn's gonna be fuckin pissed" in that dirty little laugh Cynthia has! Geez ya think? If my crotch hadn't been rearranged and swollen 5x it's normal size I swear I'd have laid the bitch out at that point.
more to come
I had prebooked room 206 which was Cyns old room. As we entered the room he showed me where I'd be living for the next 10 days and instructed me to get settled, he would be back with another patient to show us around. I wasn't prepared for just how quickly things would go downhill from there.
When I heard them return outside my door I turned to come out of the room, butterflies in my stomach shaking knees wondering if I was doing the right thing and then I came face to with HER!
I don't usually like to be so harsh about other people, I try to see the best in others but she made it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to be anything but negative. I've affectionately named her "Godzilla" in all of my Montreal stories.
As I came face to face with Godzilla I could not even tell you what her name was at the time.I actually went into a state of shock upon seeing her. Godzilla was the epitome of what every trans girl tries NOT to be. She was the type of trans girl that gives most trans people a bad name in the public eyes. Whether she tried too hard to fit in or just didn't use common sense it was unknown but it wouldn't take long for me to figure that I did not like this person.
Lets start with the visual
Godzilla stood at about 6 foot tall, about 4 inches taller than I am. She was an overweight girl who carried all of it in her belly, a BIG beer belly that you would see most guy have hanging over their belt. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but when you take into account the fashionable outfit you then begin to understand my dilemma.
Godzilla was all decked out in black, starting with her black boots, then black tights, a black flared MICRO miniskirt that belonged on a 12 year old (Her ass hung out the back). She wore a black tight top that hugged the beer belly overhanging her micro mini. She had jet black hair with 2 ponytails hanging high off each side of her head and yet as you would think it couldn't get worse, think again!
Godzilla had a FULL goatee. OK ladies before you all jump on me I get the fact that some Trans girls simply aren't that far along with electrolysis. I would have believed that could be the case but for one detail. Ladies please, if you are in the process of getting your facial hair removed PLEASE so not intentionally grow it and shave it in the style of goatee... unless you are Female to Male then more power to ya.
Maybe I'm being harsh and I'll get bashed for it, but she did so much emotional damage to me I pleaded to leave and come home. Both Diane and Cyn supported whatever decision I needed to make. In fact my facebook post from that evening said "I've never felt so alone in all my life" I would not even leave my room. After seeing her my first thought was WTF am I doing to myself ... thankfully, I knew if I got that fixing myself, I'd never be able to live with myself after I left without finishing.
More Godzilla to follow
Driving up to Montreal was a quiet surreal event for me, lets face it my life was about to make a major step in a different direction. Being trans is NOT easy and transition is even harder. It takes a lot of soul searching and strength to get to the point of physically changing your body, but for a true transsexual it is the teeter point of finally feeling normal and at peace.
A lot of things enter your mind on a 5 hour drive to something like this. What am I going to feel like afterwards, will there be a lot of pain, will I be able to function normally. I had all these thoughts but they didn't prepare me for the person I'd soon meet and the emotionally turmoil it would leave me in.
Thankfully if it hadn't been for a handful of people that either escorted me there or were there for their own surgeries, I'd have never gotten through this easily.
My wife Diane, Cynthia, Jennifer, Kay, Jungle, Aubry and Cathy all made my week bearable and fun. Even the people that worked at the residence got involved in the laughs at times. Without these people I may not have completed my journey.
Mar 20, 2011
It hard sitting in the back of a car for 5 hours bring nervous of what you are about to experience but at the same time it is a lifetime of internal pain just to get here.
Last night we took time to have dinner with the whole family and then went back to my inlays for cake. The time they gave me last night was just what I needed and I'm taking that with me. It's amazing to be able to see that they are not only happy for me in what I. Have to do but they are also worried for me that everything turns out well. It's hard not to feel more loved than that. I'm lucky to have all the friends and family in my life that I do and I am forever grateful for them.
I once told my wife that maybe I was put here like this for a reason, maybe my being is to teach people about tolerance and diversity. Who knows but at least I know the people around me are forever changed along with me.
Diane seems to be at peace with things, more so than I am. I worry that I'm doing something that is hurtful to her and she constantly assures me that I'm not. How do you ever find a better partner than that?
Well enough for now, it has begun. I'll try updating as much as possible