May 21, 2008

Happy Birthday/ Long Day

First I want to wish my daughter a happy happy birthday. Hard to believe that 23 years have passed since I became a parent. I remember that morning as though it was today and am thankful for every minute of that part of my life. Had I not become a parent at such a young age I would have not had a reason to continue my life, it was just too painful. At 1:08 am on May 21st 1985 my life took on a new meaning. It is such an amazing thing to remember ...

So Happy Birthday Jess .. I love you with all my heart.

Today was a long day and kind of odd. It is the time of year I make the long drive for work to the east coast trade show. Between driving to meet people and driving back and forth to the show and driving home I spend between 3-4 hours in the car for a few hours of getting up to speed on suppliers and new technologies. Between all the driving and walking around the show it makes for one long day needless to say I got back late and I'm wiped.

Lastly I posted about my HR meeting and I've had a few people email and ask how it went. Well, honestly it didn't ... It got pushed off until Tuesday so now I have more time to think about it ..LOL ..

I'm tired and have a headache so it's an early night!!

May 20, 2008

Breaking the barriers

Been a few days since I’ve said anything about anything here. Emotionally I’m leveling out and it’s finally allowing me to embrace the better part of the name change. I tend to get very over analytical about every step until it actually happens. I know with most steps once it is done and there’s no undoing it for the most part. I guess that tends to make me dwell more on my decisions than anything.

I’ve always been the type of person that beats decisions to death, I simply hate being wrong. Everything from buying a car or motorcycle to what we would have for dinner was always a hassle for me. I simply could never make up my mind without viewing every option to determine which was the best. Transition has been no different and it has been in these checks and balances I’ve been able to handle things as well as I have. When I finally reserve myself to a decision I rarely ever decide at a later time it was the wrong one.

From the earliest stages of talking about this to the actual implementation of transition every thought has been beaten to death, I just have never wanted to be wrong. Not long ago my friend Kristi told me I over think everything and she had me pegged. Sometimes in over thinking I tend to stall the process or worry about things that are beyond my control and it also frustrated the people around me to have to watch me battle with it.

I know deep down who I am and I’m happy letting her finally shine through. That hasn’t been without it’s own analyzing moments though. It’s tough feeling like your female inside, knowing you think female and then being socially driven to be male. The truth is that in that one piece of negativity there is enough worry to make you think that you are crazy or somehow you have fooled yourself into thinking that this can’t be true or it simply can’t be happening to you, this happens to other people` "Those" people!

As a person pretending to be male I can honestly say I was successful. I could project who I was without issue and deal with people with confidence. While it was all a big facade I knew I played the game well and it helped me in my life.

When I finally sat and talked with my counselor and determined I needed to transition I never thought that I would take the path to get here today that I have. I naturally assumed that I was at the bottom of my barrel and I could only go up. When I’ve learned in my case was that I needed to break myself further to allow myself to grow. Sounds crazy I know.

By tearing down every wall and safety blanket I had in front of me I was shedding myself to the barest of who I could be. As a matter of fact I am still in that process although I believe I am on the reverse side of the curve now looking up. What seems to be happening as Karyn starts to grow she is trying to find herself and her place in this world. While it hasn’t been an easy process it certainly has been rewarding and most of all one of the healthiest steps I’ve taken in my walk through life. To date I sometimes may sound negative, but I can honestly say I do not regret one step of this journey yet. I am becoming much stronger in the process.

Today at work will be a bit of a milestone. I will be sitting down with H.R to plot out where I am going with this whole thing and how to implement it here. Because we are a progressive company they already have experience with this so I don’t have to guide them through this process. To say I’m a bit nervous today is putting it mildly but I am very happy to be moving into a new chapter.

As I sit and type this I am just shy of my 4 weeks till I have the legal right to my new name and as each sun rises and sets I am looking forward to it more and more now. I can't wait!

May 15, 2008

What's in a name

I've been reasonably quiet about some details for this past week. I guess I needed to decipher and adjust to my feelings on the matter. I'm happy but at the same time so nervous and uncertain. Last night in counseling I told Anne that I didn't think I was ready and she asked when I thought I would be. I told her probably never because it just needs to happen and it's an excuse to not move forward.

June 16th, 2008 Is the day my name becomes legal…..

Karyn Ann

May 14, 2008

Discrimination is Discrimination, end of story!!

Tell someone they discriminate and you’re sure to be told that they don’t or that they aren’t closed minded. The fact is that everyone in life has some kind of agenda or belief that will infringe on someone else’s right to live peacefully. I’ve read frequently that people who are called bigots aren’t that they are just allowed to have their own beliefs.

Recently in NYC there was a lawsuit about a lesbian woman that entered a bathroom in a club and was forced to leave by a bouncer based upon her appearance. Ms Farmer has the outer appearance of a man but when asked for her ID she presented a non-drivers license ID that identified her as female. For whatever reason she was asked to leave the club with her friends and she was denied access to the "ladies" room. She settled out of court for $35,000 and the club promises to add Gender Identity to it’s list of anti-discriminatory practices.

So what’s the big deal here?

In most news articles on the web they have a talk back section that allows the public to comment on the story. It is in this section that I’m appalled by some of the comments that human beings make against someone they view as different. Most of all it is this type of person that makes bigoted comments but will deny ever having any prejudice or contempt in their hearts. Some of the comments stuck me hard.

lostligt wrote

"wow!! there is no denying that she looks like a man, as much as I respect one's sexual preference, if she wants to dress and act lika a man, then why use the ladies room ? "

pnobronx wrote

"If this is how you want to look it is OK, at the same time I think that if you a gay female that you should have to use the mens bathroom reason being. Your sexual goal in life is to seek out other women if a straight female knew that a gay female was in the bathroom would that straight female still go into the bathroom"

arizonarick wrote

"i guess the world shouldn't harshly judge this loser. she looks manly enough that if i were a female, she would have freaked me out."

Mbdono wrote

"The gutless weenies at the resturant settled with this pig, just to get her to go away! Evidently some woman complained that a man was in the ladies john! The b i t c h then tried to give the bouncer some bogus ID card, he threw it's a s s out!"

"Maybe she can afford some makeup now. What-ever. She knew what she was doing.
how the heck are you going to sue because your look was successful? i mean seriously, you want to be a woman who walk, talk and acts like a man because you're into women? go ahead but don't get your nose out of joint when someone actually looks at you and thinks you're a freaking guy! this lawsuit should have been tossed!"

"Ok if she's a Lesbian trying to be "like" a man, then why not go into the men's room? What's the difference anyway. Hehe :P"

"Not for nothing but when she first appeared in the daily news and other news media, she looked more masculine than some men. Maybe next time she oughtta wear a dress to give some men a clue on what her sexual origin is."

The first thing that drives me nuts is that people are willing to disparage another human being over the way they look or what they perceive them to be. In some instances people make reference to the fact that she should make herself look more feminine to conform. How ridiculous it is to expect someone to make himself or herself uncomfortable to make some people comfortable.

There are plenty of women who are not comfortable in makeup, does that make them any less human? Does it make them bad people? Most of all, does it make them any less female is they so identify? No it doesn’t yet people are willing to force what they view as stereotypical beauty just so someone can use a bathroom, How Fucking ridiculous is that?

The next part of the issue that really pisses me off is the notion that if she looks like a man or she is a butch lesbian that she should be in the men’s bathroom, not the ladies room. WTF, How hypocritical is this.

There has been a movement in this country recently to ban Gender Identity discrimination so that people cannot be denied jobs, housing or medical care. On the flip side of the argument activists are fighting these bills under the premise that they do not want to allow "Men in dresses" in the ladies room. They somehow feel that it will allow sexual predators legal entrance to what should be a safe environment. To date there has never been an issue of a gender variant person committing a crime in a restroom against woman or children. This is a veiled attempt to commit discrimination against a group of people they simply aren’t comfortable with.

My issue with this is that what would happen if a transition transsexual male to female were to go into a men’s restroom dressed in their appropriate clothing (IE: Female)? Under the terms of HBS a TS must do a 1 year real life test before being allowed to have prescreened surgery. This means living in your target role 24/7 to prepare for your new life. You are not allowed to go back or it voids the test.

So if a well-dressed TS woman walked into the men’s room would there be a confrontation? Would a man be comfortable with this person being there? Most of all would the TS woman’s safety be put at risk because they were forced to be in the men’s room to simply use the facilities, something we are have as a basic human right and a function of life itself!
So in review, Transitioning male to female transsexuals should not be allowed access to the women’s room according to these people

Now take this premise and apply it to Ms Farmer’s case above where people would prefer a female to be required to use the men’s room because she outwardly appears to be, male!
Call a spade a spade here people it is discrimination anyway you view it and it is wrong. So in 2 separate issues the message being sent is to either conform to societies binary gender roles or you can be denied access to facilities that are for basic human function.

It never ceases to amaze me how society will bend issues to force people to conform. Sorry people, ya can’t have it both ways!!

May 8, 2008

Email and me issues

When I started this blog I had every intent of blogging not only the positive but the negative as well. There was to be nothing that I wouldn’t share in relation to my transition good or bad. The idea was to have a journal of my changes and show all aspects of transition to people who might need to see what we go through.

I’ve had a few rough day with yesterday really being the kick in my ass. While I’m not ready to share why it is I will say that it has done some damage to my self-esteem. It has left me 2nd guessing what I’m doing to some degree and while I know I will bounce back from it, it doesn’t make things hurt any less. .So needless to say I’ve been quite down in the dumps for the last 24 hours

Yesterday my wife and a few friends who do know what is going on did their best to bitch slap me and wake me up. I can’t say that it worked but it is nice to have people in my life that care that much about my well being. So even if you feel as though you failed my friends, no I appreciate you no matter what.

Lastly I had some email problems over the last few days. Seems Verizon decided to suspend my account. On Monday I received and email from our new "(Fairpoint bought Verizon here) provider that stated my credit card had been charged its monthly fee. The only thing about that was the charge was double the normal fee!! Monday afternoon I called the Verizon number to find out why assuming that either it was a mistake or fairpoint raised the rates and it was time to cancel.

When I spoke to the girl she explained to me the double charge was because they hadn’t charged me for the previous month. She told me because of the Fairpoint takeover there was some issues with bolling the previous month and that allotted for the double payment. While not happy about it, I owe the money so no big deal, I was assured everything was all set.

Tuesday 1/2 through the day my email went down and I assumed it was a glitch. By Tuesday night when I tried signing onto my email through the wen I started getting a message that my accounts had been disabled, so I immediately called Verizon and was told by tech support that it was a billing issue that only they could take care of. Oh and their closed so you’ll have to call again tomorrow.

When I called back on Wed morning I was told the glitch was that my credit card had expired and needed to be updated. She told me they sent me an email about this last month and when she gave me the email address they used it was an old non-existent address. This contradicts the fact that two days prior they sent me a bill to the proper address. They need to pull their thumbs out of their asses! I was also informed that the information given to me Monday was incorrect and due to this problem!

Ok so let me get this straight. I called you to see what the deal with my bill was, you gave me bad info and then shut my account off for non payment!! What a bunch of dicks!
As of right now my email is back and functional so if you have emailed me and gotten no response or a bounce back I probably did not get your email!


May 6, 2008

ISP issues

If you are trying to email me and getting no response or a message saying my box has been disabled there is an issue with Verizon. This should be corrected tomorrow (Wed morning sometime)