Sep 28, 2008

Life rolls on

This past Wed was my every 4 week counseling session and I have to say it is too the point than it is more like sitting and talking with an old friend than it is an actually counseling session. When I mentioned this to Anne she said for the most part that she felt I was adjusting to this whole process well. Have no deep emotional issues getting in the way and overall I'm so much happier than I'd been a few years ago. This particular affirmation was not only nice to hear, it was something I really needed to hear. It really shows how far I've come emotionally.

Weather wise it's been a crappy weekend but that didn't stop us from having an enjoyable weekend. Saturday morning was a bit busy as I had another electrolysis appointment. It is slow going but I am starting to see some results from it. As long as I can slowly see those results I don't get down about having to go. So far it still hasn't been very painful for me.

Last night we had plans to meet our friend Cynthia for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We had decided to get there early so we all settled on 4 pm. On the way to dinner one of those tiny little smart4two cars passed us. It seems like they are getting incredibly popular up here. Funny enough the license plate caught my eye and I just HAD to get a picture of it!

I absolutely died laughing when I saw this. Looking at the size of the car it certainly is a fitting plate.

When we arrived at Margaritas, Cynthia was waiting outside for us and I felt so bad that she was standing outside in the rain. We went in sat down and boy time flew! In fact the time went so quickly between drinks talking dinner and just having fun that we didn't walk out until 9:30 pm. Apparently I have a new nickname. I believe Cynthia dubbed me "Literal Karyn" albeit I have no idea why! LOL All in all it was a nice evening with great company. This is a friendship that I can see blossoming as she has such an awesome sense of humor and she is just fun to be around.

Today was a pretty quiet day and I guess it was nice to just be lazy we had plans to get some things done but honestly it was nice to just hang. We did our weekly Sunday grocery shopping, went to the farm and brought home stuff to make salads tonight. After dinner I was a bit bored so I decided to play with some makeup and take a few pics. So ..Here's the latest pictures. Hope you like.

I guess that's about it for now, hope you all are doing well and are happy…


Sep 23, 2008

Kind of cute

My daughter and granddaughter came by to have dinner with us and spend some time. We had a really enjoyable evening going to the path for another 4 mile walk tonight. I'm trying to enjoy what is left of the season before the cold and snow tightens its New England grip on us. I am finding now as I'm getting older I enjoy the snow or the idea of snow less and less.
Tonight in conversation Jess started to say something but put the breaks on and said she didn't want to say something that could be construed as offensive. I reassured her that it would be fine, I rarely get easily offended. She laughed and told me the Dee is more of a tom boy and I am more of the girl in the relationship, I just had to laugh. To some degree it is true and it's kind of nice having someone point it out because it becomes more cemented in reality. It's so funny to me that something so minute as that can mean so much at the same time.

little to say (I think)

I've been pretty quiet lately, I haven't really had much to say (hard to believe eh?) or at least not anything of substance. I would have to say that life being quiet is a good thing because there isn't anything in the trans-world on my mind. Or at least anything directly related to me that deserve telling the world.

This past Friday was a major event for trans-people in the U.S.A. It was the verdict in the lawsuit of Diane Schroer Vs the Library of congress. For those that aren't aware Ms Schroer had been interviewed and offered a high level job researching terrorism for the Library. Ms Schroer was and remained the most qualified candidate for the job based on her past military experience. The twist came because Ms Schroer interviewed for the job as David because at the point of the interview her transition had not fully started. Until that point Ms Schoer's plans should have been of no concern to anyone. After she had been offered the job she revealed to the woman hiring her what was going on and this woman decided to renege on the offer. How sad considering that she admitted she did so because all she could see was a man in women's clothes and yet Diane was the top candidate. Suddenly it became little to do with the most qulified for the job and more about 1 person's feelings on someone else life. Thankfully the court sided with Ms Schroer and the idea that being transgender is protected under the law of sex discrimination.

. You can read the full story here

The only other thing I have of value to mention is that I told another coworker yesterday. This particular person is a very old friend that worked with me in another division. We used to hang out together, go to concerts and even attended Woodstock 94 together.

I kind of figured that he would be ok with it because his boss in a trans-woman and he's always spoken highly of her and on occasion hangs out with her. I guess it's a little more shocking when it turns out to not only be a friend of yours but you actually know 2 people that are Trans..

When I told him the look on is face was priceless as his jaw literally dropped open. You could see the wheels in his mind spinning feverishly trying to connect past dots so he could make sense of it. I laughed at one point because of the look and told him that I figured the first thing going through his mind was "Oh my god, I shared a tent with this person!" In the end he told me that his biggest concern was that I was happy and he mentioned that he had noticed that I smile a lot more now.

For me this is a small step in one sense and a much larger in another. For those who are starting to come out please read this and understand this carefully.

It is a small step in the sense that in every person you tell it becomes much easier. When you first start approaching people you do so with a stomach full of butterflies and a mind that spins with the most fearful of thoughts. You understand your life can be and probably will be drastically changed from this point on. A lot rides on this conversation With each new conversation a few butterflies are set free and your mind spins a little less until it becomes "normal" Eventually it just "is"

For me the bigger issue means another step to fulltime. With each of the friends that I have here being reeled in it is getting to the point that the people that need to hear it from me already know. For me, until all those people know, I feel stalled and unable to move forward.

A few short years ago I couldn't even so much as write my name on a web site with the word transsexual in it because I was afraid alarms would go off and everyone I knew would see it. Now a few short years later I can say it isn't an issue anymore and in fact it's a fear that really didn't need to exist. If you're contemplating making this step please do so with confidence in knowing that it is much scarier than it really needs to be.

Lastly to close it out I figured I'd mention our little walk last night. Dee and I every so often after dinner drive to a paved path that goes from town to town through the woods. It's basically for bikes, walking and jogging. The path itself is nice a level with only slight inclines which is nice because my knees aren't great and hills really make it hard on me. The entire length of the path is 3.3 miles and because it is getting dark earlier now we usually go 2 miles in and then the 2 miles back, not too bad! Last night we headed down for our walk at about ½ mile in a put my foot down wrong and twisting my ankle, bending my foot over and sending me face first to the pavement. I ended up banging my left knee on the pavement right on its most tender spot. Today my knee is a bit sore but my ankle funny enough seems to be fine. God it is tough to get old!

Hope your week is off to a decent start …


Not bad for having little to say

Sep 17, 2008

Sep 16, 2008

Nice weekend

We had a decent weekend this weekend and I'm a bit worn out today. As previously posted it was our anniversary yesterday so we made it a 3 day weekend but decided not to go away this year.

Friday I got out of work a tad early as I had another electrolysis appointment. This one was relatively uneventful with the exception of 1 hair in the middle of my chin. It felt like it was attached right to the nerve when she hit it. I sweat I could feel that one spot the next morning!

Saturday morning was to be a busy day as we had several things we wanted to do and some plans on the side as well. We got up early and went for our usual Sat morning bagels and coffee at the Manchester Panera. From there we went over to Manchester Harley Davidson for their annual open house.

Manchester open house generally consists of free food, outside vendors, nice bikes, bike demos and some really good discounts on merchandise and clothing. So Dee and I both decided for our Anniversary this year that we would just get some really nice hoodies as we both wear them a lot at this time of the year.

Dee got a nice yellow one with the Harley Davidson embroidered in emerald green on the front and on the lower back portion of the hoodie. I got a nice gray one with an Ace in blue and some little crystals to make it stand out.

From there we headed down to Dee's mom's to picker her and her friend up and take them to the IKEA store down in Stoughton Ma. The IKEA store is so big it takes a while to see everything and look for stuff you may want. After IKEA the four of us hit the Olive Garden for dinner and then back to drop them off.

We had a really nice time with them and while they are trying they still have their slips so I tend to get self-conscious when I am out. It's kind of hard to be just doing my thing and have someone blurt out "Kevin" or "He" in a crowd. Still at least they are trying and accepting so I'm happy.

On the way back my mother in law mentioned a neat bit of info to me. She had told me that she let Diane's Aunt know what was going on and that things were fine with her, her only concern was for Diane and if she was doing ok with things. She did mention that after my father in laws birthday party on of her sons asked if I had been sick or something because my face looked so different to him. He mentioned that he thought my face looked more feminine and softer. This was a piece of information I was glad to have my mother in law hear because now she knows other people actually see it.

Saturday evening Dee and I were bored and at about 9 pm at night we just felt like doing something. We had been tossing around the idea of going out for a few drinks when the sudden urge hit to go to a local diner, be bad and get french fries and shakes. Sometimes it's just so good just to be bad.

Sunday was pretty uneventful just getting our usual weekly stuff done

Monday we decided that for our anniversary and because it was so nice that we would take our bikes and head out to the coast. As we got out by the route that goes up to the coast a young guy in his 20's was walking up to cross the street. The law dictates you have to stop so Dee and I did just that the guy said thank you and started to walk across. As he crossed in front of both motorcycles he suddenly turned towards us, threw up the horns sign and yelled "Chicks on bikes rock!!" I have to admit that I almost pee'd myself laughing so hard.

It was such an unexpected event that it was pretty cool and it made my day at the same time. We drove up the coast, enjoyed the sun, stopped along the way and headed home. I ended up with a sunburn on my arms, guess I didn't realize the sun was so strong yesterday. I did get to break in my new hoodie on the way back as well … all in all a nice day. If I get chance maybe I'll toss up a picture of the area and no, I have none of me!

Hope you're well .

Sep 15, 2008

Happy 18th Dee

Happy anniversary!! Thank you for being you and loving me the way you do...

Sep 11, 2008


Today's Capricorn Horoscope: Sep 11, 2008

If you are not careful to keep your eyes straight ahead, focused only on the future, then the past is likely to catch up to you, dear Capricorn. Don't look back for anything. Even if you do not see anything in front of you, you must continue to move forward. It is true that this is easier said than done. Nevertheless, you feel inspired to give it a try.

Sep 9, 2008

10/11 yrs old

This was taken at my 1/2 brothers house somewhere around 1975/76. I had forgotten I had this scan as I honestly don't have many photos from when I was a child. After looking at this picture today I suddenly realized how girlish I actually looked as a preteen ...

Sleepy Tuesdays

Ever have one of those days? One that you feel like you should have just stayed in bed? I can say I have a lot less of those than I used to but they still happen from time to time. My coworker and I had a pretty heated argument this AM and then not long after he had one with another colleague. See a pattern here?

I don't like being that way anymore because it reminds me a lot of the old me and I always have this constant fear of slipping back to some of my old ways. I know that cannot possibly happen because I do not internally feel the same way as I used to, but still it can be a familiar feeling at times.

Seems from the time I hit the floor today all the way up until now, someone is whispering "you should have just slept the day away; you dummy!"

When I rolled out of bed this am as usual I asked Diane what she wanted for breakfast and she requested some toast. I figured I'd throw together a cheese omelet and an English muffin for myself. Sat morning we had stopped by the local bread outlet and picked up a few packages so I left one out and froze one.

As I was getting ready to cut the first muffin I noticed mold on the muffin! We just got them! The whole package was ruined! Figuring there may have been some moisture in the package I tossed them and pulled the frozen package out and guess what, yup MOLD! WTF!

I guess that wasn't the only issue, when I went to butter Diane's toast I dropped butter all over the counter. Then when I walked into work my coworker didn't sass me with his usual smart ass greeting. It felt as though the world had been tipped off its axis.

Saturday morning I went for another round of electrolysis and as usual it went fairly well and the pain is tolerable still. I'm so mad at myself for not getting this part done sooner. The owner Rita has a super personality and it really helps to pass the time.

I guess other than that you could say that things have been pretty uneventful this apst weekend, not a bad thing at all I guess. This coming weekend we are taking Monday off for our 18th wedding anniversary so it'll be nice to have a long weekend to kick back. We still haven't decided how or where we should spend this anniversary.

I read the other day where the NH DMV may allow for gender marker changes in the future without the surgery. The only drawback is that you'd still have to have your criteria completed for surgery to qualify so the only people it really helps are those who have done RLT and do not want surgery. The downside is with a female name on my license and a little "m" in the corner I fear that I could be subject to discrimination if asked for my ID

The only other piece of business for me personally is going fulltime. I mentioned to Diane the other night that I think I might shoot for Oct 1st. I'm trying to decide this week if I want to fire off a letter to HR declaring that date as they are waiting for word. We'll see if I can get myself to send it now

Sep 3, 2008

20 questions with Dee

The one thing that drives me crazy about my wife is that she doesn't take the time to write and share her side of things. I had hoped that her experiences in this would be something that could help other spouses understand and deal with things. Diane's issue is that she doesn't feel as though she is a good enough writer to carry her blog.

Last night while I was showering and thinking about her lack of updates I had a cute idea. Without telling her anything I decided to email her 20 quick questions and figured I'd share the answers. I didn't tell her in advanced because I wanted the answers to be sincere and not skewed by thoughts that other people would be seeing them. So here they are

1) What was it that attracted you to Kevin? -

His eyes

2) How did it feel when you found out about Kevin’s feminine side? -

I thought it was kewl, our little secret. Now I think its awesome that others know.

3) What makes you so attracted to Karyn? -

she's goofy, extremely sexy eyes, she's smart, the way she looks at life now, the way she looks at me, she smells awesome as well. Its tough to say cause there are a ton of things that attract me to Karyn.

4) Why did you decide to be so supportive of Karyn’s transition? -

It was unconditional love

5) What were your favorite qualities in Kevin? -

That's a tough one.....well there was one, he wouldn't say no to the things that I liked or liked to do. I'm sure that there are others, but right now I can't think of them.

6) What are your favorite qualities in Karyn? -

The way she looks at things, the fact that she took over the cooking :o) , the fact that she doesn't say no to the things that I like or like to do.

7) Did you ever consider leaving when you found out? -

Not one second because I love her very much. She is my soul mate!

8) Which persona is more fun to be around? Kevin/Karyn -

Karyn most definitely,

9) Do you ever miss Kevin? -


10) What did you dislike most about Kevin -

The temper.

11) What do you wish you could change about Karyn? -

That she could get that confidence and just be herself 100% of the time.

12) Who is more girlish, you or Karyn? -

Karyn most definitely.

13) Who is more romantic? -

Karyn most definitely.

14) If you could learn any 1 thing from Karyn what would it be? -

Tough to say because because I'm pretty open about a lot of things. What I wish other's would learn from Karyn is that life is too short, so you have to live for yourself.

15) Do you view Karyn’s transition as a necessary issue? -

Yes because if she stayed the other way, I believe that in a few short years that I wouldn't have her.

16) What would you say are your favorite changes? -

The fact that she now takes care of herself and the way her skin feels and how nice she always smells.

17) Do you ever worry that Karyn will suddenly decide she likes men? -

No because I feel the commitment and the love that Karyn has to offer me.

18) Do you ever miss having a typical male/female relationship? -

No because I believe that Karyn has always been around but has just been hidden.

19) Do you feel you are more bonded to Karyn now? -

Yes most definitely!

20) If you could have Kevin back would you want him? -

No because Karyn is a much better person to be around and fun as well.

Hope you find this as interesting as I have...


Sep 2, 2008

Old fears revisited

Back in the summer of 1994 I had 2 major incidents that sent me running to the hospital, one of which was nearly fatal. The first one in April of that year left me with a scar on my right wrist. I had actually slid in my stocking feet (not intentionally) and my right hand went through our storm door window, which left me with a severed artery and a severed ulner tendon.

Now before you assume that was the one that almost killed me think again, it wasn't. In August of that year I had finally rehabilitated my wrist and was coaching Methuen youth tea-ball back in my old community. I had promised to do so because my daughter wanted to play ball that year and on occasion we would go out in our front yard to practice.

One hot New England afternoon we were playing ball in the front yard and I had hit the ball pretty hard, Jess had run into the woods to get it. I remember hearing her ungodly screams as she ran towards me and I caught a glimpse or a swarm of bees attacking her. I did my best to clear her off, get her in the house under a cool shower and while Diane tended to her I called the emergency room so they could tell me what to do. The official count of stings she would have received was in the area of 21/23 stings.

After hanging up the phone of being apprised of the symptoms to watch out for I myself started feeling funny. In the course of trying to protect my daughter I had gotten stung once on my arm and never having been allergic to bees I had no fear of it. That was before I had ever experience anaphylactic shock.

By the time I was within a mile of the hospital (Diane drove us through rush hour) I had already gone blind, my breathing was very shallow and I remembered uttering the words to Diane "Sorry hon, I'm not going to make it"

As Diane pulled up to the front of the hospital she yelled at me "we're here go ahead" and I remember telling her I couldn't because I was blind. She raced into the E.R to find help. I don't remember much more other than waking up as I faded pretty quickly and I never even recollect being pulled from the truck.

When I awoke I was told it had been pretty severe, they had to double dose me to get me back and that I'd be fine. I've lived with that burned in memory to this day and to be honest, I'd rather fall through the window again than to suffer that shock. What I can tell you is for my experience, death is a very calming feeling. There is no panic, there is nothing more than a fading feeling and memories of the people you love.

Yesterday Diane and I decided to take a run about 20 miles north to a Harley dealer we frequent. How would I have known they would be closed ("Ya could've called" <- old verizon commercial)

On the way back Diane was diagonal to me about 30 feet in front to the right side of the lane when I felt something hit me in the throat and slide into my shirt. It was followed by some of the most intense pain I have felt in a long time, it was stabbing me just above my right breast just towards the thorax.(ie center of the chest) . I immediately grabbed my shirt hoping to grasp whatever was causing me the pain. And proceeded to drive by Diane and turn into a church parking lot. Unfortunately for her it was too quick of a turn and she had to go straight.

When I got off the bike and shook my shirt you can imagine the thought when the yellow jacket fell out and onto the ground. It followed by me stomping on it feeling like I may had just fallen victim again and I had no epi-pens with me in case of symptoms.

The next glimpse Diane saw as she pulled out of a side street was my bike flying by her on my way back to our house. At that point I was looking at about a 4-mile ride. She did the best that she could to follow in toe and catch up. When I hit the red light around the corner she pulled up asking what was wrong assuming I was upset about something. Apparently she hadn't noticed me slumped over the tank of the bike in pain during the ride.

I'm happy to say as dramatic as it sounds and as it was, I am ok. I did not have any symptoms of shock that I previously had. This doesn't meant he sting didn't totally affect me, I'm quite sore across the right side of my chest, itchy and I have a slight headache but alas, I am alive!

I told Dee gleefully last night that I'm not ready to check out quite yet, I still have a lot of life to live. What a far cry from a few years ago when I wouldn't carry a pen because I welcomed the outcome. Now I just forget it out of stupidity!

How much things change but yet they stay the same!

Hope your Labor Day was a nice one!