Dec 20, 2007

another storm picture


Winter Strikes again!

This is something new for me, I'm blogging from my phone. It isn't too bad because it has a full keyboard. As you can see by the picture winter hasn't even started yet and we already have more snow than last year!

This picture was shot outside my work window this am. We are expecting another 10" today

Dec 12, 2007

Almost Christmas

It’s been a crazy week of weather going between snow, ice and rain. It seems that the winter snowfall came very early this season. Today it is raining and all the previous snow we had is melting off creating a slight fog in some areas. This weekend we are being told to expect a Nor’ Easter but there isn’t any determination to how much or how strong of a storm it should be. (**coworker just walked in and claimed he is hearing major storm possibly up to 2 feet of snow)

Well as we sit here ½ way into December and our holiday fast approaches it always seems to be a time for reflection of not only the people we love but our past experiences and maybe people who are no longer with us. For many years the month of Dec spelled a month of depression and bitterness of the holiday season. This year as well as last year it seems as if that black cloud has finally been lifted from over my head and I no longer feel that way for various reasons be it Christmas or my impending birthday.

My Birthdays were never great as it sat right next to the biggest holiday of the year. It not only tended to get overlooked growing up but it was used as a tool to combine gifts. I guess now as an adult that is not a big deal but I can tell you that as a child this was always a major disappointment. My friends all got gifts for their birthdays and gifts for Christmas, rarely did you ever hear about combined gifts. Still people seemed to take advantage of the loop hole in my arrival to this world.

When I was a young child Christmas was a magical time for me as it is for most kids. I always looked forward to Santa coming and seeing what he would bring me. I never had a nerve to ask him for anything girlish, I knew I have to answer to my mom or my friends. Try explaining that new Barbie doll to your best male friends. Not only would they not get it, you’d probably get punched. None the less I enjoyed Xmas until about the age of 9.

In 1974 my mom was at the happiest I’d ever seen her. She had a new boyfriend that she intended on marrying. Larry was a cool guy and he was the father I had never had. Looking back the best thing about Larry was that he treated me as though I was his own and I would have been happy to have him as a step dad. Family life was good back in those days and mom was as lovable as any of my friends mothers.

Dec 24th 1974 my 9th birthday my mom was at her boyfriend’s home when he complained of a headache and wanted to rest. My mom found him dead lying across his bed from an aneurysm. It was not only one of the worst birthdays and Xmases I remember, it was the start of a very dark run of holidays for my family. My mom was never the same after that, she spent 2 years very depressed feeling as though she wasn’t worthy of happiness.

We all have painful moments in our life that stay with us, but it is how we bounce back from those hard times that can make us who we are. My mom was never the same person and in being this way she tainted every holiday season after that. From that point on Christmas in my house was never about family being happy and together, only about abuse, darkness and sadness. This would be one of the things that would stick with me for most of my life.

When I met my wife and started my family it was the first time in a long time I had not only stability around the holiday season, but my birthday would always be a big deal. I applaud her for being that caring, being around a family that always had the ability to see how they enjoyed the holidays I’m not surprised, but it simply wasn’t me. I could never seem to find that magic again and as December would approach my already depressive moods would get worse and I would withdraw.

Bad Christmases, Bad Birthdays and a life of not caring about myself because of my innermost feelings were all a struggle I could not manage. At any given time we are all able to overcome and negative issue but when your core being is broken all those other issues often seem beyond repair. For a very long time this was who I was and it was very apparent to the people around me as they saw my December decline every year, how helpless they must have felt.

Looking back I’m glad to see that I’ve finally worked to overcome at least my core issue and in doing so I’ve come to realize that I cannot rewrite the past. What I can do is write a new more positive future and that is the direction I’ve been heading into. While I will never change the dark years I’ve had, I am thankful to be able to create new better memories. None of this would have ever been possible without my changes as those changes affect every facet of my being. My holiday gift for this past year and this Christmas is my ability to enjoy not only who I am, but also my family for who they are and what they mean to me now.

On a side note I went to the mailbox the other day to get the mail, pulled it out and as I was reading the various pieces of mail I noticed a Xmas card envelope addressed to "Karyn and Diane"!! This is the first time I’ve received mail from someone who knows me with my new name, I was overjoyed to see that.

Hope your Xmas plans are coming together nicely, enjoy the season while it is here, I know I will.


Dec 6, 2007

Needing rest and some other thoughts

Well things are slowly getting back to normal, Diane’s feeling better and I’m slowly feeling more like myself. When I wrote that last blog my tank was running on empty for several reasons. I was emotionally drained from the fear of losing my wife. Monday I had risen at 5 am and only eaten scrambled eggs the entire day and I didn’t stop running until 7:30 that night only to have to get up and clear now in a 200 foot driveway alone.

All these things added up to me being in a very poor frame of mind, I simply wasn’t rested enough to be objective. When I wrote that. This isn’t to lessen the fact that those were my feelings at the time. I’ve come to the realization though that I need to learn how to do things differently now. I know that my body has changed, it isn’t the same as it was 2 years ago. I still do things like I always had dome them out of habit and I get frustrated when that doesn’t work to my advantage. It’s something I really need to learn to identify and work around now.

Like anyone when I become fatigued things build up, be it reality or in my head. It is something else that I’ve come to understand over the last 2 years. Being well rested is not a luxury anymore it is a necessity and it goes hand in hand with my ability to cope with everyday life.
I got a letter from a friend out of the blue who read my blog and gave me what I’ll refer too as an ass kicking. I deserved it and everything he said in his email was right. What struck me about the email is how open he was to the fact that what I’m doing is right for me. I know it’s there, I feel it everyday, but for someone else to say "Hey, you have no options here you need to go forward" was surprising.

So the bottom line is that Dee is ok and I’m slowly getting back to normal. To me that should be what’s most important.

Last night was what I refer to as a session when talking to people who know me. It’s one of my monthly counseling sessions that are required to not only deal with the GID and Transition, but help me work through any problems I may be having with it. I’d be lying if I’ve ever made this sound easy, it’s not by any stretch of the imagination. What I can tell you is every step is an emotional reward.

Generally on counseling session night I go the extra mile to look nice. I take extra time to take care of my hair and face and look rather presentable. Last night was no different and I have to admit I felt pretty good going to the session. But one of the things we discussed was that very topic. IE Dressing

I recently read a post on a BB I am on for transgender people asking why it is once TR women transition they change. They don’t seem to worry about clothing and makeup much, they don’t stay active in the community and they simply fade into society (Otherwise known as stealth)
The first part of the question is something I can answer easily. When I was confused about who I was and where I was going in life I needed specific things to not only identify with who I felt I was, but those things made me feel more normal for a small amount of time. Clothing, makeup or even something as simply as a nice smelling skin cream was an anesthetic for me. Removing these articles from my life surmounted to the anesthetic wearing off and the pain coming back.

These items were necessities in my life and without taking care of those needs I couldn’t function. This isn’t to say that life was completely normal it just seemed to help a bit. It helped me find me for a few hours here and there.

Looking back now after almost 2 yrs of hormones, countless hours of therapy I can say those things have changed a great deal for me. I no longer need those things to feel normal, they are just a part of my life. Before getting dressed meant fully dressed, clothing, makeup and most things to bring out that inner feeling I had.

I get out of bed now feeling that I am who I am. I know deep down in my mind I am female, I’ve always been that regardless of the exterior. The difference now though is that I don’t need materialistic things to give me that feeling. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that I still don’t like those things but now they simply do not define who I am. Instead of these things being needed they are finally able to be a choice in my life. If I wake up and feel like just wearing a T-shirt and jeans I can and I can do it without feeling like I need to do more to be normal.

The stealth part is a funny one because I cannot speak form experience yet but can relate to what I’ve not only seen but also how I personally feel about it. For those who are unaware stealth is the idea that once we transition we just fade into society living like anyone else without having the TG tag. We are simply our gender like anyone else and we don’t need to to let others know of our past unless we have too.

The goal of most TG people seems to be stealth, I know it was a target for me. I think that slowly changed when I watch Annah Moore for a period and saw how she handled herself in public. Annah does not scream from the rooftops that she made this change but yet she is proud enough to not hide it either. This is a quality that I not only have admired but it is one that I aspire to be. While I once saw myself as trying to be stealth I now see myself helping others.

The first steps of that proof are the writings on this blog detailing my intimate changes, something 2 years ago that I would have been ashamed to do. I’m proud of where I have come and hope that the next person behind me will see that example and step up to the plate.

Lastly I just want to touch on something about stealth that I find not only hilarious but a tag ignorant at the same time. I’ve read numerous posts from people who think they if they saw a TG person that they would know it the moment they saw them, after all how can you miss a 200+ pound man in stilettos and a miniskirt. Sorry got news for ya people, we’re just like you and not all of us stand out. I am proof of that in the sense of being read female when dressed as a male!!

Heck you might even know someone trans yet not actually know anything ….

Be good and happy holidays..

Oh screw it ..Merry Christmas !!

Dec 4, 2007

working through a scary day

This morning I am emotionally and physically drained. I am drained to the point of wondering if I have the strength to stay on the path that I am on. It’s not that I am in a poor me mode but in the last 24 hours I’ve dealt with so much emotional stain that I’m wondering what’s right.
Yesterday after prodding my wife to go to the Dr I got a scary phone call asking me to pick her up and take her to the local hospital. Possible Diagnosis- Meningitis. When I heard this I would be lying to you if I did not admit my blood ran cold with the fear of not only my wife having a deadly disease but the possibility that I too was exposed.

A million things run through your mind when you are out in a position of wondering if you are about to lose someone you love. IT is not only scary but it is probably one of the most draining emotions I’ve ever dealt with, sitting in a hospital room waiting for a diagnosis.

6 hours in a hospital room, Blood tests, X-rays as cat scan and finally a spinal tap revealed that she had nothing more than some sort of viral infection. It would take a few days for her to feel better, at least the prognosis wasn’t the worst that it could have been.

As all of this unfolded we were in the midst of a winter storm. Snow was blanketing the ground and turning everything into a Christmas shade of white, very festive indeed. By the time I had walked through the door last night at 7:30 PM, I had been going since 5 am with only scrambled eggs for breakfast in my system. I had no desire to clean the snow from our driveway or walkways and certainly no energy to do it either.

I rolled out of bed this am, struggled with the snow blower, struggled with the shovel and realized how much my strength had changed. I also realized how much of a team Dee and I really are. When we are together we are unstoppable. Remove one of us from the equation and it is like a car with a missing wheel, it just doesn’t work right. Before this would have not been an issue for me.

As the snow flew from the hopper of the blower this am I reflected on the events of the last 24 hours and what it not only had done to me emotionally but physically. I’ve always been able to easily take care of my family, it is something that was just my responsibility and I accepted their well being over mine for the better part of 23 years. As I was attempting to clean the white clutter from the driveway I realized that while my love of my family hasn’t been altered, my ability to take care of them and not be dependent on them has been altered.

I love who I am becoming more than anything and I cherish my wife for allowing me to be who not only I believe I am, but who she believes I am as well. But I had to ask myself at what expense? I still try to be everything I was for the people who I love but the fact is that I am now part of the dependency to need help from them. I often wonder if I am doing them a disservice by not being their rock instead of them being mine and yes, that makes me feel guilty.

I guess I still have things to sort out .. I need to figure out what’s most important, my sanity or my family

Nov 30, 2007

Old Appearances

One of the main things about dealing with transition is the idea that we need other people to see us as our own identified gender. That is for me to be seen as female and for the most part that does tend to happen quite a bit. The second part of the equation is the ability for us to look in the mirror and physically see the person we need to see. This seems to be one of the harder parts of transition to attain as we see our changes very slowly and we don’t identify them as easily as someone who hasn’t seen you for a period of time.

For me I now walk by the mirror and I am seeing it, I am slowly finally seeing Kev disappear and I’m more comfortable with that than I was when I started. I remember a year ago looking in the mirror, getting depressed because all I could see was a guy looking back at me, not what I needed to see. It would seem in some small way I’ve made progress I guess.

I recently read a blog that made me think a bit. It certainly stood out to me because I personally had thought about this exact thing from time to time.

Back when I was in my teens and twenties I never had great self-esteem. I was outgoing, friendly and had a certain amount of charisma. I certainly had people drawn to me because of my nature. But what people were allowed to see was a shell of what I allowed out in the open. I think back and remember how I was very insecure about how I looked. I fully understand that all teens go through awkward states of being concerned about there looks. The fact is that I never considered myself to be a good-looking guy.

It’s funny to look back at now for several reasons. When I see pictures of me back then now I now realize that I was a really good looking kid. While I see a good looking kid I do see someone who was lost in their life and not feeling like they fit in properly. It’s kind of funny to think that counseling and almost 2 years of estrogen opened up my eyes enough to realize that I wasn’t the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be.

This doesn’t mean that I would change one thing about my current progress, it just means that I can see things a little more clearly for what they really were now. I really need to take that lesson and apply it to present day conditions.

Yesterday I walked by the mirror and saw Karyn plain as day looking back at me. Nothing special, jogging pants girls T-shirt and my hair down just relaxing at home. Still there it was looking me plain in the face. I didn’t see Kevin, I didn’t see a guy I finally saw Karyn without the after effect of past days or ghost images. It was a calming feeling to see it that plainly.

I look back now at those old pictures and it almost seems like someone else now. They are no longer emotions, just stories of my life. I’ll never be ashamed of who I was, it makes me who I am. I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I am going, I’ll just be the best me I can …


Nov 24, 2007

been a while

Wow, seems like there could be some cobwebs in here. I've been in a funk with my writing lately and maybe even my sharing. Sometimes I just don't play well with others. I've been focusing a lot more on playing guitar than writing and I've been enjoying every minute of it. I've been enjoying it so much that I've been logging between 3-6 hours of playing time a day.

I trust everyone had a great thanksgiving, I had a decent one. Not great, not bad, but nice. We hit the start of another holiday season which will serve to be a quite busy one emotionally as well as materialistic. This will be the first xmas with my granddaughter which should be nice. I haven't gotten to see her very much for the past month, in fact I've only seen her and my daughter on thanksgiving. It's been quite heartbreaking to be honest. Going from seeing the two of them once a week to not at all takes its toll on me and now add the holiday season into the mix and times can get tough

My 42nd birthday is fast approaching and I'm hoping this will be the last birthday that the name Kevin will be around. I am hoping that after the new year I will be able to set up a court date to officially change it. (Easier said than done) and I can set off full time on the person I am and not who I was trying to be for so long.

Living in two genders is not an easy thing and it can take an emotional toll on you. I'm sure the many women who walked this path before me can tell you the same thing. It's tough going out in public and hearing maam,she,her, ladies etc and then go to a family function who still use all male pronouns and treat you that way. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with lately and I have to admit it stings. I often wonder if anyone will ever see anything beyond Kev.

We have one more person in the family to tell about what is up and then that should be free and clear. It's been hard coordinating our schedules to his at the moment so we could make that time. It has to be done soon but I am a bit hesitant because of the holiday, I simply don't want to ruin it for him.

Dee asked me the other day what I wanted for xmas and I guess I kind of looked at her a bit perplexed, there really isn't anything I want anymore. My only response can be I don't want anything that is male anymore. If the most I can get is to wake up next to her, see my daughter and granddaughter then it is a full holiday, who would need more than that!!

I finally told my best friend of my endeavours. He had to be one of the hardest as he's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were little kids and it was a relationship I was having a hard time preparing myself for the possibility of a loss. In the end he was only worried about me and my wife. The next day in a conversation with his wife he mentioned that he was having a hard time with it and she simply asked "if you needed Kev to be there for you would he be?" The answer he had was "without a doubt no matter what yes Kev would be there" She asked him then why he should be any different and he seemed to understand that, it suddenly made sense to him.

Several weeks back I blogged about the death of a friend of mine. I am very saddened to report that he took his own life. While it breaks my heart that anyone can reach a low like that, the fact is that i do understand what that pain is like. I'm so sorry for his children and I hate that they have to live with that now. I only hope he is finally with the peace that he was seeking.

Back in Aug/Sept of 2005 in my first counseling session I was asked if I'd ever thought of or attempted suicide. I looked at my counselor and explained that I had in fact thought of it. What kept me from doing it was my fear of the unknown and I needed to take care of myself before my pain became greater than that fear. Diane often asked what I was in search of and I used to tell her "inner peace". I think this is something that people take for granted and do not understand that just getting out of bed and moving through life in a positive and happy manner is part of having that inner peace, they don't have to seek it so it isn't obvious to them. I'm glad I have the sense to seek that peace I've been missing so I can feel whole. I only wish my friend Mike had been able to find his own missing inner peace instead of being so drastic and not having fear.

Personally I'm doing well but I've been very quiet with people. I don't know that it is a bad or good thing but it certainly is part of me figuring out myself and wondering how to allow people into those vulnerabilities. I'm thankful to have people who love me and I'm ecstatic to not have the self hatred I had before. I've made a lot of progress but I still have quiet bit to overcome. When with friends that address me as she, Karyn, her you can always see a curl starting on the edge of my mouth and it will sometimes pop up into a full smile. When that happens it becomes so obvious to me that this was the right decision for me.

Most of my dark beard and lip are cleared with the exception of a few stray hairs. All that seems t be left is the gray hair on my lover chin and neck. This will have to be done conventionally and I'll need to make a consult appointment in the near future. I'll be so happy when I don't have to take a razor to anything, it's so nice not having a that scruffy rigid hair on my cheeks and lip, my face has become so soft it is incredible.

Last night Dee slid and open hand across my collarbone and down my chest, it caused her to stop and do it again. She was taken back by the changes in the skin and had to do it again to make sure she noticed it. It's amazing that even after almost 2 years my skin constantly continues to evolve into a more softer state.

I've dropped muscle mass and am probably weaker than I've ever been now. It's kind of odd at times trying to open something with a struggle and see Dee open it when I couldn't. Sometimes I just have to laugh because I'm not used to it.

When we are around the guys and they pat me on the back like they used too, I have to admit it can be a bit painful now and I never realized their strength before. It's very apparent to me now though!!

I guess that's enough for now, hopefully I can make time to write some later ..

Till then happy holidays and to all my friends I miss you all ..

Oct 27, 2007

where ya been

Things have been a bit quiet lately, not much to report, not much to discuss I guess. I’ve had a bit of a hard time swallowing my friends’ death. While I think he was way too young to die, it isn’t the reasons I have uneasy feelings about it. To die at that age of natural causes is a hard thing to swallow but we understand that sometimes it is better than the suffering that can be attributed to your decline. The bottom line is that if he died of natural causes I would have mourned and moved on. Even an accident would suck but it is something that while sometimes can be avoided, just happens. Then as in Mike’s case a freak accident sometimes just has to make you wonder.

I’m not making accusations so I hope that this doesn’t come across in that manner. I am having a hard time believing that the manner he died was a total accident. This has kept him on my mind quiet a bit lately and I only hope that this wasn’t what I think it could be. If anything I simply hope he is at peace and I will miss him dearly.

I’ve been in a great mood otherwise; I have no complaints other than the typical “I’m getting old” routine that we all joke about. Even at the level of my mood the most bizarre thing hit me yesterday. The sudden urge to have a good cry. I don’t know why, it has never happened to me in that manner before. I’m not down; I’m very much up but from what I gather it is an affect of the hormones. I don’t hate the feeling but it is different for me. I’ll just take whatever comes my way and embrace it because even at my worst now my days are one hundred fold over what they used to be. I’m still living with the happy to be alive emotions and loving it.

From an emotional value who couldn’t be happy, the RedSox made the world series again and are currently 2 games up. While I think Colorado still has the ability to play good ball and come back, I have a lot more confidence in the RedSox of present than the old bad luck teams I grew up with. It’s amazing what the 2004 WS win did for the fans up here, it’s night and day now. So …go Sox ..

What I had sat on and not revealed here was something that could have been really big news for Diane and I. Twice a year the Oprah show does a show on Gender Identity and Transgender people. She generally handles it in a very classy way that gives some sense of normalcy that counters the old freakish shows of days gone by. After taping her first show on the subject it had gone so well that Harpo decided to do a second show. The second show was to be based around Trans people who had or were transitioning with very supportive families.

Through another party Diane and I were contacted by Harpo as possible guests and it sent to a lot of soul searching on my part. Was I ready to out myself on the grand stage? Was I a good spokesperson for this change? Was my family supportive enough to not only continue to love and support me but be comfortable being ousted to the world in this manner?

I’m happy to report that they were not only open to it they were very supportive. My daughter told me that she was proud of the family she came from and she wouldn’t be who she was if it wasn’t because of who we were. I also had several friends that I inquired to tell me they felt I was articulate enough to be a good spokesperson and handle myself well enough for the task.

For me the biggest hurdle was my concern about my appearance. Did I look good enough and passable enough to not look like a fool. Regardless of what I felt about my appearance, voice or mannerism I am proud to admit that I committed myself to doing this and in return answered the call to Harpo. We were asked for pictures and such but in the end we were not chosen. I am proud to have gotten myself to the point of committal though, I only hope that in the future when the task arises for me to be a part of a bigger solution that I am up for the task.

Recently there has been some division around the GLBT communities over a bill that was to be submitted by Barney Frank called ENDA

When this bill was written is was with the explicit protection for sexual orientation and gender identification in the work place. While we as society have moved forward we still have a cross section of society that feels your Sexuality or Gender Identity somehow affect your ability to do a good job. This is just a nice was of saying they will use these thing to discriminate and ENDA was to be a good way to silence that discrimination.

After Barney Frank got all the GLBT groups on board to lobby his bill he suddenly has done an about face by removing Gender Identity from the bill. His claim for removing this is to say that they do not have enough votes to pass the bill in that form and he has decided to water it down to only protect his own interest “sexual identity”. Representative Frank could not understand not only the backlash he created within the Trans community but the division within. By removing gender identity Mr Frank created division within the GLBT community by lifting 1 part of the community to protected status and turning his back on the other part of the community. He could not understand why Trans people would not support this bill in its current form and then “someday” adding rights of their own.

Being from Massachusetts I have never been a fan of Mr Franks, I’ve found his interests to always be very self serving. For once though I thought there was some hope that people finally understood that Gender Identity doesn’t mean we cannot contribute in a positive way to society.

As it currently stands ENDA passed the house without having gender identity in the bill and there is a last ditch effort to have it added in the next series of votes down on the house floor. The sad part is that in the end it will only be vetoed by a conservative administration because of the religious right wing.

While I never begrudge any person their faith and I also believe it is my right to have my own beliefs. What I’ll never understand is the ideal that we have to live by the standards of a religious system that doesn’t fit into every person’s box. If someone doesn’t believe in god then why does someone who does get to dictate the rights of all of us. Effectively applying their own religious moral standards to everyone regardless of what they believe.

I for one will live my life in the best manner I can, not being dictate too by someone else’s moral value.


Oct 12, 2007

Shocking loss

Some day’s life just seems to flow by uneventful and nothing in particular stands out. For me I long for the day when everything I am working on now becomes so normal that I don’t even have to think about it. It’s easy to get wrapped up in my own changes or my life’s activities. Then there are those days that life smacks us with some cold hard reality and we have to put things back into perspective.

I’ve had days where I’ve complained about what has been going on in my life and then something happens that makes me realize I’m not only lucky to be here, but I don’t have any right to complain.

Last night I received a disturbing phone call from an old friend of mine letting me know that another friend had died. There were no additional details, nothing more than basic information.
Mike was only 37 years old and he was married with 2 young children. I met Mike in 1989 when I started working for the company I currently work for. He still worked here as well, just in a different building as I. Mike and I hit it off as friends as soon as we met, we had very similar tastes in music, personalities and we both loved to ride motorcycles. Back then he even picked up the guitar and took lessons from me for a brief period. He was even at the my party when I got married

When I went through my rough family times in 1992 Mike was there helping me move. He was at my house for dinner as well as just time to hang out. In 1994 Mike, 2 other co-worker friends and I took a trip to wood stock 94 in upstate NY. We had a blast that weekend and we brought back some pretty fond memories and stories. We spent time going to the Laconia motorcycle rallies and most of all we goofed around everyday at work.

Mike never got to find out about the changes that are going on with me. When he got married and settled down we slowly went our own ways. He would go on to 3rd shift and I’d see him less. I changed buildings and that created more distance between us. The one thing that remains constant to this day is that I still consider Mike a good friend of mine and I will miss him dearly.

I have no right to complain about the trivial things I am going through today. If anything, this makes me realize that I need to be the best I can be in whatever I can do because we never know when it will be over. Maybe once the shock of this loss settles it will give me additional strength to live my life as meant to be ..

For now Mike, Rest in Peace wherever you may be ..I’ll will miss you dearly


Oct 5, 2007

Friday is here

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day for me. I sat and wrote out a whole blog for it to only get lost in a crash or something. That was the tip of the iceberg but it is safe to say it was one of those days we all have wondering why in hell that we got out of bed. Things got messed up, people were pains and it was just a better day for sleep and than productivity. i guess the fact that I'm still a bit under the weather could have bearing on it as well.

My writing yesterday started with a simple conversation with a friend and turned into a thought provoking discussion for me. In the course of whatever we had been discussing I made the statement "I don’t like fake people". I’m sure most people can agree that you want to know a true person and not some facade that they want you to see. I explained to her that one of the things that bothers me in transition is how in some way we are expected to "act" to emulate the destined gender.

In a counseling session not long ago I made a comment to my counselor that I didn’t know quite where I fell within the feminine spectrum. I knew it was something that I would have to figure out as I weave my way through dealing with physical and the emotional changes. She told me to go further to the feminine side of how I’d imagined myself.

I don’t know how I imagine myself, I’ve never reduced how I’d felt to a visual goal within my mind. I never sat down and thought that my goal was to be a full time Barbie doll or any ultra feminine persona. In my reading of my transition stories to get other peoples perspectives of how to deal with these thing was a common idea that we try to do as much possible to pass.

I guess one of the problems I have with stepping into that prescribed box is that I don’t feel true to who I am, I feel more like an actress and that is just not me. I’ve always tried to be a genuine person to others and the only way I can say I’m a hypocrite is in hiding my gender identity to others. I’ve always been proud to be the type of person who was brutally honest so anything less for me would make me feel terrible.

I’ve never set out to change things intentionally but as I’ve become slowly more comfortable with the changes in myself, my mannerisms, choice of words and the way I act have all changed have all naturally. For instance when I used to walk I had a very male bounce to my gate. It has since been pointed out to me that the bounce is now gone and I walk more smoothly than I used too.

My wife often points out things that are very girlish in mannerisms or even some of the things I say.

I’ve seen all kinds of women in my lifetime and there is a wide array of difference to the gender spectrum, everywhere from Tomboyish/Girl all the way to Feminine Girl. The one thing I always loved about my wife was her tomboyish ways yet she was still able to get cleaned up and be very feminine. The bottom line to me is I don’t care where I fall as long as it is within a comfortable spectrum for me and it is not an act.

With all that said I do know there are things that need to change a bit like my voice. This has been one of the hard "I feel like I’m acting things" that bother me. I do know that it is a necessary change in order to get read properly and eventually I will get myself there.
Call it paranoia if you want but lately I’ve been feeling like some of the people who have pledged support to me are having a hard time with what is going on. It’s kind of hurt me a bit to feel like I’m hurting other people or making them uncomfortable but I do know that I can’t be something I’m not for others comfort. I guess things will change and I’m happy to have people around me who love me.

I don’t understand why I’ve been so lucky in the support area, I’ve heard a lot of nightmares about people who have lost friends, family, jobs, homes etc and it scared the hell out of me. In fact this was one of the biggest reasons I’d always assumed I could never do anything about how I’d felt. I think the fact that people care about me has a lot to do with the positive changes to my personality since this whole thing started. I’ll take whatever I can get ..

Some days are harder than other, some are days where I’m just tired of the whole transgender thing in general. I told my friend Annah a few days ago it’s so hard to remember how bad it was, that part of my life seem to have just become stories to me now instead of true emotion.

I’m just glad to feel good and be happy to roll out of bed everyday … I hope to have a lot more of those.


Sep 28, 2007

Emotional week ..

It’s been an emotional and yet good week for me. Things have progressed, I’m feeling fairly upbeat about where my head it as. Physically I have been sick for several days with a pretty nasty cough that has been keeping me awake at night.

Monday was a huge turning point for me in regards to my appearance. It was also quite emotional due to the fact I got my first real girlish haircut and had my eyebrows shaped. My daughter in an effort to make me feel better a few weeks before sent me a message asking me not to be mad at her. She had taken her friend to my blog to show her what I looked like and see what she thought. Her friend is a hairstylist and after some talking we decided to have her see if she could work her magic on me.

Monday after work with a lot of nervousness in hand had me driving over to Jessica’s house for the big change. The plan was for me to get there a bit early and shower as I would just be getting out of work. Her friend not only did a really nice job on my hair and brows but she really went out of her way to make me feel at ease and comfortable with everything that was going on. As we met face to face her very first words were simply "Don’t worry we’ll make you look great"

After she was done with the cut she asked me to go in the bathroom and look at what she had done. It took everything I had to not shed a tear when I looked in the mirror, it was totally awesome and an overwhelming emotional experience that I will never forget.
Next up were my thick and bushy eyebrows. She had me lay back on a pillow and asked me "Do you want me to just clean them or shape them?" I don’t know what came over me at that moment, I really don’t think I had control of the words leaving my mouth but I do remember saying "You can shape them"

While I understand it shouldn’t be a big deal, after all this was the planned direction I had been heading anyway. The silly thing is that as I looked in the mirror and saw a defined arch to my "thinned" brow line my first thought wasn’t how nice it looked, it was omg people will really notice this change.

I know change shouldn’t be an issue, this is what transition is totally centered around. But in some crazy way we move forward in a manner of flying under everybody’s radar until we are ready to be full time in our rightful gender. This way the people who know me may or may not notice my changes, but I won’t have an awkward feeling as they happen having to explain everything I go or even why they are happening.

The next big pop would be for my counseling session Wed. I went through an adolescent bitch fest with my wife getting ready for my appointment. I want to look good and was totally frustrated with how things were coming out. I swear nothing is ever good enough for me when it comes to this. I constantly question the physical changes to my appearance in how other people view me. Because of this I have a huge fear of walking out of the house not only looking wrong, but looking like I am trying to hard. IE Drag Queen syndrome!

When the session before mine got out and Anne approached us to bring us in for mine she as usual appeared happy with the changes in my appearance. While I feel awkward about how I look, Anne not only always assures me that I look natural, she sometimes acts like I am her star pupil that she is proud of. As the conversation twisted through recent events Anne asked me to hold my thoughts, darted out of the room and re-emerged with the current Tapestry Magazine that has my dear friend Annah on the cover.

For those who might be unaware Tapestry is a Transgendered driven Magazine that caters to the community. Recently my friend Annah Moore made the cover and has several pages of pictures and interviews inside. It was the first time I’d seen it and I have to say I was impressed with the layout they gave her.

"Is this the Annah you know?" Anne asked me and I told her that it was my dear sister Annah. Then I would get what I felt was the nicest compliment to date regarding not only my transition but my appearance. Anne told me she saw a lot of similarities in Annahs appearance to mine. She also told me she felt that I looked as good as Annah to which I was amazed.

I’ve been friends with Annah now for several years and I have not only admired how proud she shows what she had conquered but how naturally beautiful she was. To this day I still don’t consider myself to be in line with how nice Annah looks but I sure as hell am happy to be put in line with someone I’ve admired so dearly these past few years.

Lastly the conversation of going full time has arisen and I’m seriously thinking that maybe it is time to set a date and stick to it. In a phone conversation with Annah this past Sunday I told her I thought it would be the best idea and she agreed. When I told her that I needed to find a way to be accountable to the date she told me exactly how to hold myself accountable … Set a name change appointment with the courts! This was discussed with Anne and some ideas were thrown around about when, how etc, it is definitely nerve-wracking to even think about that.

Upon researching this through the NH govt website and looking at the form one particular line jumped out at me on the change. "Middle name" I couldn’t believe it had never struck me before but I had never thought about a middle name or if I even should have one. I’ve always tended to use my middle name on official papers to identify anything legal as me without doubt.
When I chose to use the name Karyn there was nothing special about it. It was a natural jump from Kevin and I’d always liked the name Karen. I just wanted it to be slightly different but what the hell could I replace Robert with? The most logical jump is Roberta, but to me that sounds like a Tranny name and well .. I’m just not having that.

After thinking about it I got the bright idea that this was something special that I should share with my daughter an have her help me, this way she was at least a part of my process and we would have something special for years to come. When I asked Jess what she thought she seemed pretty happy to be included, so much so that she asked if I would take her middle name (Ann). I thought it was sweet that she wanted to have that bond and this was something that could be special between us so I’ve agreed. I liked the flow of it when Diane and I named her so many years ago and now adding it to my name creates not only the same flow, but also a deeper connection to someone I love very dearly.

Lately I’ve been getting a weird vibe from my father in law that I was having a hard time putting my finger on and then it finally hit me exactly what it was this week. He’d pledged his support to me already and told me he was here for us. Recently after bumping into him I saw this familiar look in his eye and after a few hours it finally struck me what it was. It was the same look he used to give me when Diane and I were first together. It was a look that said I only tolerate you because of my daughter. I could be wrong and it could just be me being paranoid again, but it was surely the same feeling I used to get that made me uncomfortable around him before .. god I hope I’m wrong …

Well I’ve talked enough for now to do some more coughing ..


P.S Redsox Magic # is 2 games!

Sep 23, 2007

Sweet Sunday

I've awoken this am to news of my beloved Redsox being the first team in baseball to clinch an American league playoff spot. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I'm a rabid Redsox fan. In fact I'm a lifelong Redsox fan all the way back to the early 70's, heck being from just north of Boston it's hard not to be. The Redsox are a deeply ingrained part of the New England culture, it really is something to experience. Go Redsox nation, next stop American League East Champions please!

My trip to Chicago bred a demon in my house. I love to cook and especially love it when I can make something that my beloved likes, she is such a fuss budget at times. During our trip to Chicago our friend Todd took over cooking duties as he, like me, loves to cook . During our second day there Todd decided to make us some of his his grand moms biscuits and gravy.So this am like every weekend we usually plan on doing breakfast but today instead of running out to our local diner, I decided to cook at home. It was only natural to ask Dee what she might like and she jumped and said biscuits! I thought I was being cute when I told her I had no canned biscuits but alas, my dear wife knew I had the stuff to make em from scratch ... Thanks Todd!!!

Just kidding.. I really didn't mind as long as she enjoys it. Then it makes me happy

Friday evening we got to spend some time with my daughter and my granddaughter, this is something I'm really enjoying. I'm so happy to see my daughter finally coming around and embracing us as her family once again. In the course of my transition Jess, along with my friends have been incredible to me. She has constantly tried to give me confidence and make me feel good about what I'm doing. Now she has taken up sides with a friend of mine to push me further and get things to where they need to be. I certainly adore her for that and am blessed to have those types of people in my corner.

So I had decided that this weekend was going to be a cooking weekend. Friday for Jess and Dee I made Fettuccine Broccoli and Chicken Alfredo. When I make this the girls make sure to request that I do homemade Alfredo and not the stuff in a jar. As always I oblige to make them happy ...yea yeah I like to cook too, I know! It seemed to come out pretty well and we all enjoyed it as usual.

After dinner Jessica wanted to talk to my friend Kristi to tell her how much she loved the baby blanket and bib that Kristi sent home with us from Chicago, So I had asked Kristi to call after work. Then it was off to Sam's club and out for Ice Cream with my girls. This was something we hadn't done as a family in quite a few years. It brought back some fond memories and now I have additional family to make more memories with. Friday night was an enjoyable and busy evening. (Story of my life)

Friday I spoke to my friend Mike briefly on the phone and some things he had to say blew me away. He used the name Karyn in the course of the conversation and told me he wants to try and help me along with things. It was very heart warming and touching. He also revealed to me that he told our old friend Scott. I was a little taken back by it but was relieved to hear Scott thought nothing less of me and felt bad that I thought I couldn't tell him. Mike knowing that we are all hoping to get together in the near future figured that it was better that Scott wasn't totally shocked in the change of my appearance. It becomes a lot more apparent to people haven't seen me for an extended period of time.

Back when I first started my counseling my friend Annah told me that the easiest way to successfully transition it was a good idea to relocate to a place where no one knows you, then you can start fresh and it is easier to get comfortable with what you are doing. I have to say that was something that I'd always wanted to try long before this but never had the backbone to just up and go. After our trip to Chicago this was something that seemed to re-enter the conversations between Dee and I. Diane feels it would be much better for me and she would love to make an attempt at life in a totally different atmosphere.

While the thought of leaving everything I love bothers me, the idea of finally getting to where I need to be tempts me. The negatives involve the fact that I love New England all the way to not wanting to be away from my daughter and grand daughter. On Dee's side it is that I don't want to take her from her family, still she sees this as the right thing to do. It still leaves me feeling guilty though.

During the course of coming out with what was going on I can draw a line on people who are supportive and people who feel their need to know or others need to know is more important than my own comfort. This is something that hurts me severely and sets me back. I cannot and will not relinquish what is right for me to other peoples belief that people need to know. This is most certainly one of the factors that will play into our decision on moving away.

I need to be able to do things in a controlled and comfortable manner and anyone Else's comfort, need to know, beliefs or whatever will need to be secondary for now. It doesn't mean that I don't love these people, it just means that control of my transition is not theirs to dictate.. it's mine! Anything less would set me backwards.

I'm excited to say I am set up for my first real hairstyle this week. I'm nervous and a bit anxious but I am excited to see what will happen. A friend of my daughters is a hairstylist and I've decided to let her work her magic on me, if that's even possible. The only requests I have in this is that I do not want to lose any of my length and I need to be able to tie it back for work. Beyond that she has creative freedom.

Lastly I had set myself into some deep thought yesterday. I'm starting to believe that the best thing for me is to just set a deadline for being full time and abide by it. If I can live to a deadline and find a way to hold myself accountable then I won't keep having these setbacks. If anything I've come to realize that in order for me to feel comfortable with who I am, then that isn't a choice it is necessary for longevity and happiness.

My life has finally become a gift and not a burden, nothing will make me feel the latter ever again


Sep 21, 2007


Some days you cruise through life and it feels like it’s a free ride, then there are those where you feel like you are trying to climb the empire state building and you’re afraid of heights. We all want to be viewed a certain way, treated a certain way and we don’t usually understand how other see us.

When I go out in public regardless of how I am perceived visually from other people, I still have it burned into my mind that everyone simply see me as male. It’s even to the point where my outlook tends to frustrate the people who care about me, more than that is it frustrates yours truly. But that is the external and will take time for the mind to comprehend the changes.

When I weighed 200lbs and made a decision to change in order to not only better my health but better myself it was a life changing event. As the pounds shed I couldn’t wait to see how I would look at 170 or even 160. At my lowest I hit 146 Lbs and before you think OMG you have to realize that I’ve always had a very feminine bone structure. My wrists and hands were always very girlish and even my ring size was only a 7.

People that hadn’t seen me in a while would stop me and tell me how good I looked and asked how I did it. I was proud to know I could set that goal and stick to it. But the problem with the whole thing came when I would look in the mirror. Even at my current weight of 150 I still see a fat face and belly. It doesn’t mean that I’m looking to drop more weight, I am comfortable where I am as long as I don’t gain now. No matter how many people told me I was skinny now I still couldn’t see it in the mirror.

On a trip to the mall this discussion came up with my wife and she asked me how big I thought I was. I pointed to a guy walking by and she pretty much laughed at me. So I asked her, ok smartass how big am I?

She noticed a pretty attractive young lady and said you are about her size. I couldn’t and refused to believe her after all even dressed to me that I feel like a linebacker in women’s clothing. I finally reserved myself to the fact, it will just take time for me to see it.

Now lets focus on the emotional stuff for a moment.

I have a really cool friend that I converse with daily on aol instant messenger. She has been a tremendous source of support and feedback, beyond that we just tend to have some really great conversations. Yesterday I had to ask her if she could see the female side of me in our conversation. It bugs me that everything is always taken at face value I guess, I have a mind for things needing to be proven out or validated.

She told me that she could easily see it and explained that most of my conversations with her are very feminine in nature. It does come through. There is a certain amount of relief to hear that beyond what I say I am that someone else can see it for themselves. When I explained the conversation to my daughter she hit a nerve with me that almost had me in tears. She told me that she has been able to connect with me a lot deeper now because of that emotional depth I have gained and she feels much closer to me now, so much so that she wished we could have had this in our relationship years ago.

It was quite thought provoking to have my daughter validate my female emotion in that way and an even bigger payoff that she can be closer to me because of it.

When I was younger and trying to cope as a make in a male driven world it was very frustrating for me. Those emotions were always there, but try sharing those things with the guys. You’ll probably get slapped in the back of the head. It took a long time to realize just why guys attitudes and shallow conversations perplexed me. I was living in a world that emotionally I didn’t belong in.

I remember years ago when I first started working for the company that I am in now. I got called into my boss’s office to get yelled at for something I had done. I vividly remember trying to stare at he lights in an attempt to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I can only imagine how I would have been perceived for breaking down in that manner not only in front of my boss, but someone who came across as very macho to begin with. I can just imagine him bellowing "There’s no crying in machining!!"

As the hormones have settled my brain down that ability to cry has increased substantially, I wouldn’t give that back for anything. It can be embarrassing at times but the bottom line is it’s an emotion that I can now embrace as mine and not a perceived weakness.
I’m quite touched to have my emotions not only validated but embraced by others and not have to feel ashamed of them anymore. For the first time in my life people are getting the whole me and not just a shell.

Life is moving forward and is good!


Sep 19, 2007

Hi honey I'm home

Well it is back to work and back to the daily grind, I suppose that to some degree a bit of normalcy is a good thing. We had an awesome trip to Chicago, it’s always nice to see old friends. Beyond that this trip ended up meaning so much more to me it’s hard not to be emotional.
From the time we got off the plane it was assumed we would hang out with our friends, nothing would be different it would just be like the last time we saw each other. To say I had no expectations would be an understatement but I was up for a good shock.

Once we got off in Midway I text messaged our friends to let them know we were on the ground and I got some replies stating Todd was still at home and Kristi was waiting in the baggage terminal. We came down the escalator to see her smiling face and a warm greeting, gathered our bags and off we went.

As the conversation started to ramp up I noticed I was being referred to as Karyn and She right from the start. It was certainly something I hadn’t planned on or worked myself up for from them. As we entered the first train depot (The "L") to head out Kristi was not only referring to me as she directly but out loud in a public manner. This was certainly different for me and as I stated something I wasn’t prepared for.

With every she, her and out loud Karyn I would look around the train trying to see if there were any reactions and I hadn’t noticed anything. We got back to the house to get settled and head out for deep dish pizza I suddenly noticed my friend Todd was doing the same thing. I remember thinking this was going to be an interesting trip. Again Todd without missing a beat went with all the female pronouns and name. It was quite a jolt to my system on the upper levels but was so nice internally.

Friday our plans were to walk around Chicago and then meet Kristi for lunch at one of their favorite delis "Perry’s" As we were walking over to Perry’s I could feel my stomach in knots figuring this was a place where people knew him and I would surely be introduced. I thought about it on the way over and was considering asking him not to do that but I figured I would just let it happen. Sure enough I was introduced.. These are my friends from NH Diane and Karyn! Not a bat of an eye or a loss of words let loose.

As the weekend moved on I became more comfortable with their open nature and more validated with every new experience. I have to admit it was quite exhilarating. After we got home Diane told me she could see the happiness in my face and she loved the fact that they had done this for me.

Saturday brought on more walking Chicago seeing Millennium park and something that Sully refers too as the bean. Saturday being our Anniversary Kristi made reservations for all of us at an upscale steak and seafood house called Hugo’s Frog Bar. After a lot of Rum and Cokes, a good meal we headed back out to walk around Chicago downtown at night. We had hoped to find something for my grand daughter

Sunday is usually football day, Todd and Kristi love their Chicago bears. The idea for the afternoon was to walk over to a club they hang at call McGees have a bunch of appetizers, drinks and have an all around good time. Entering McGee’s would be an interesting experience to say the least. The door man was asking for ID, both Kristi and Todd entered before I did.
When I got to the door man I handed him my NH license and hoped he would say anything. He looked at the license, looked at me, back at the license until I finally blurted out’s me. He responded to me with "I have no doubt you are over 21 but your name is KEVIN?" Yep I nodded that’s me and again he asked but KEVIN? At this point he just handed me back my ID and told me to go in. Guess I was passing again without knowing it.

After the football game I would have an experience that I not only didn’t expect, but it freaked me out severely. As I put on my jacket and headed for the front of the bar I noticed a guy with dirty blond hair walking directly towards me. As he got near me his hand went around my waist to my lower back and asked me "What’s up?" I just said "Hey" and tried to head for the door. That was when the jerk slid his hand down and grabbed my ass. I was totally freaked out by it. After I’ve had time to process it I have tried to take at least one positive from a crappy situation. That is that I guess I female. It doesn’t lessen or discount what he did but it is something positive.

Monday morning we needed to get off early to catch a 9am flight. With the train and such we decided to leave around 5:30 so we could have a 2 hour check in window. Kristi got up to say her good byes, gave us our hugs and said goodbye. Todd escorted us to the airport helped get us to the gates gave us our good-byes and headed off. It was a sad feeling for me to say good bye to two people who were so accepting. I later told Diane it was almost as though I’d left Karyn in Chicago having to come back home.

As we check in through security I got stopped again for my license. She didn’t want to let me through because she didn’t believe it was me. I finally protested enough for her to just sign it off … and home we came.

It was the best weekend I’ve had in a long time. I got the validation that I really needed. It almost makes me want to relocate just to start fresh as Karyn. For now I’ll just have to cherish the gift my friends gave me …


Sep 16, 2007

Windy places

As I sit in type this I am sitting in a friends flat in the Wrigley section of Chicago, In fact I am so close to Wrigley we can see it from the front of the building. We got here on Thursday evening and are going home tomorrow, hardly enough to get locked into a lot of plans, but enough to enjoy the company of our friends and have some real good laughs.

In running an Internet message board you meet all kinds of people depending on how popular the board is. Sometimes you meet cool people, sometimes you meet jerks and then there are those gems you call friends. I've met a handful through the country that I am lucky enough to have as friends, Todd and Kristi are in that group.

Saturday had the three of us walking downtown Chicago, visiting something my pal Sull calls the bean and having a nice dinner at a place called Hugo's frog bar. It's been a grand time this week and I'm looking forward to the day when Todd and Kristi come to my home and let me show them around.

If anything from this trip is taken beyond the occasional picture or souvenir then I would have to say it would be a deeper level of appreciation for the support of these two dear people. From the time I have gotten off the plane till now they have been using my "proper" name and proper pronouns without hesitation. It is quite warming to have someone care so much such as this and I will really cherish the small moments that I have gotten this weekend.

Anyway I do have a lot more to write on this subject but my shower beckons to start my day .. Be back soon ..


Sep 12, 2007

tomorrow we are off ...

Laptop….. check
Ipod….. check
Camera…. check

Tonight will be one of those busy nights that you have right before you go out of town. Tomorrow after work we board a plane to see our friends in Chicago. It’ll be nice to get away for a few days but it will be really nice to hang out with our friends

My head has slowly come back to normal over this past week and I’m going back to being more relaxed than I’ve been in a while. Generally when I get my head in a more positive state good things happen, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed. If anything life should just be about feeling positive anyway, then everything else is gravy!

Sunday will be my 17th wedding anniversary to Diane. While it is a major milestone to be married that long I am much more proud to have been together for 24 years this year. I love not only the fact that we have been able to endure a lot of highs and lows throughout the years, but we have grown together through those times. There hasn’t been another human being I’d rather have hold my hand on this journey than her.

Yesterday a possible chance to do something for big the Trans community presented itself. I won’t discuss the details of it simply because I don’t believe it will happen but I will say this much. To be able to have gotten to a point that I’d be able to consider doing something like this is a testament to how far I’ve come in my journey. I’d love if it were to pan out because it sends a positive message to society and it helps lock me into the final legs of my transition

One of the biggest concerns I’ve written over time and time again is my appearance. In having to do what I am being considered for this became a huge concern for me yesterday, do I look good enough to do this. Jess told me yesterday that she took the liberty of showing my blog to her friend and hoped I wouldn’t be upset with her for sharing it. Of course I am not, that is what it is here for. It is here to help educate.

Her friend told her after looking at my pictures, that if she passed me in the mall she would never have known. I guess you could say that was the ultimate compliment. So Courtney, in case you do come back and read my blog .. thank you!

For now that’s all I really have to share, tomorrow night we will be enjoying a real Chicago pizza and talking about guitars with our friends. Can’t wait …


Sep 9, 2007

Been a long time

Been a long time since I Rock and Rolled!! I have so much to talk about and nothing to say all at the same time. I've been a bit quiet since the meltdown week not long ago. I just felt I'd needed a break from things I guess.

My Sister in Law~ As I'd previously written I was under the impression that my sister in law had known all along and was basically playing me. I'm happy to report that it wasn't the case at all. In an act of frustration Dee has resent her the original email and told her to read it was well as my blog here. She was concerned enough that she wanted my state of mind known to my sister in law.

After 2 days a reply came through that basically said, she thought it was another email I was talking about and that she would call that night, which she did. While she never said she was accepting of what was going on she did say she loved us and would be there. I guess that's all I can ask for.

last weekend was the labor day cookout at my mother in laws and the first time I would actually see my sister in law and her family since the news broke. As they pulled up I noticed they were driving in their 67 camaro convertible (what a beautiful car) and as my niece saw me yelled out

My nieces had always had a habit when they were young of calling me aunty Kevin because of my long hair. This had stopped for a long time and just recently started again so this played into the whole ..omg do they know scenario.

As those words came out of her mouth in an almost instantaneous manor her mom whipped her head around and told her not to do that it wasn't very nice. As my sister in law emerged from the car I motioned for her to come with me to talk and as I did this for the first time since we met 24 years ago she took my hand.

I explained that she didn't need to do that and she stated that she was trying to be sensitive to the situation. I told her that I didn't want anything with her children to change. I've always loved the fact that her kids teased me and played around because it was never being done maliciously, this was their way being a part of their uncles life and I adore them for that. I also explained that this was hard for me because my first and foremost concern was that I didn't want to do anything to hurt her kids ...

Several weeks before at a family get together my oldest niece pulled out a bunch of barrettes and hair ties. She took to styling my hair to have fun and I was happy simply because she was enjoying herself, laughing and being a loving child. I wouldn't give those interactions up for the world. That day my sister in law even thanked me for being such a great sport with the kids.

I love our nieces dearly and those memories will be my fondest.

Jess and Gianna~ Some of the hardest times for me were the times my daughter and I were disconnected form each other. Unable to see the others point of view and unable to bend to the others expectations. Since my granddaughter was born I have to admit that I happy to see how well she is doing. I hear from Jess everyday now, I get pictures of my granddaughter and most of all I get to see them quite often.

Jess had gotten to the point of not talking to me for months at a time and only seeing me at the most 2-3 times a year. It was some of the hardest times for me in the relationship with her as I've always loved her so deeply. For this to happen is quite a contrast from before and I'm eating it up.

When I'd gotten the news of Jessica's pregnancy to say I was less than thrilled is an understatement. I was concerned for her abilities as a parent because of her immaturity. I have to say after seeing her for this past 7 weeks she has taken to motherhood like a champ and really stepped up to the plate. She is proving herself to be a really good mom and I'm proud to see her maturing as such.

Mini Vacations!~ This coming weekend Diane and I will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. We are flying to Chicago for a few day to hang some dear friends and celebrate it with them. This will be the first time either of us sets foot in Chicago so I'm sure it will be an interesting experience, especially considering I haven't lived in a city in almost 25 years!!

Todd and Kristi are friends we made through a message board that both Todd and I managed together. We met face to face at the NAMM show in 2004 and have been friends ever since. Both Todd and Kristi have been awesome to me with all I've gone through so far regarding transition (more about that later) Neither person has been judgemental or pulled back from treating me any different than before. In fact if anything I've walked away with a little deeper friendship with Kristi and she has been an awesome wall of not only support to me but guidance.

My Dee and Kristi are very similar girls, they are warm and fun but they are most certainly take no shit and don't sugar coat things. When I have had down days or needed that kick Kristi has been one of the people to do it and I appreciate her for that. I'm blessed to have her as a friend.

Transition woes~ Ok maybe woes isn't such a good word but lemme explain what's been going on with me. I guess it would be safe to say that my transition has taken a few steps backwards. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I'm stopping, I just feel that with everything that happened I've regressed a bit. One of the main parts that I really need to start taking care of is my appearance. I need to start wearing girls clothes more and getting out more so I can be comfortable in public. As previously blogged this has been one of the hardest aspects of this whole thing for me. I guess to some degree it's easy to understand what is between the ears but hard to see it visually sometimes. When things happen that have caused me pain I seem to run away from the materialistic part of the transition simply because it hurts me that it is the hardest thing for me to get over. I really need to change this behavior now and hopefully I can soon.

Recently in making plans to go to Chicago I had what would not only be a funny conversation with Kristi but a serious one. Kristi and Todd wanted to know if we would Ago to dinner for our anniversary to an upscale steak house to which we agreed would be nice. After thinking about this for a few minutes I message Kristi and asked her what the dress code was because we generally just travel with comfy clothes IE jeans and t-shirts!!

She told me that it was dressy casual and that Khaki's would be fine. When I told her I didn't own any she told me that we would just have to go shopping then. She then stated that a nice sundress would do just fine. To say I almost fell of my chair would be an understatement. But it entered us into a conversation of me being me in Chicago and how it is the perfect time. I'm not sure I have the nerve to to that but I do love the fact that I have people who not only believe in me but are encouraging me and trying to hold me accountable.

This past Wed in a session I told my counselor that I was going to Chicago and her immediate response was "What a perfect time to start getting out as yourself!" I sat up in my chair and asked her if she'd been talking to my friend Kristi!

Last night in a conversation about things with Jess she seemed to jump onto the same theme and I'm beginning to think it is stamped into my forehead or something. Everyone seems focused on me getting out now, more so than I am personally.. LOL

I told Jess I didn't think I could do that and she pressed further. At one point she told me that I'd be fine, she felt I was passable visually and that I had nothing to worry about. Those words from her were incredibly heartfelt.

Dee,Kritsi,Anne and Jess all on the same wavelength ..go figure! .. Does it mean Karyn makes an appearance in Chicago? I don't know about that but I guess it is not totally out of the question. Maybe after a lot of alcohol ... although I clan hear Kristi riding my ass that we are doing it .. LOL

While I've been a little derailed I am slowly coming back to feeling a little better and hopefully that leads to some drive to move forward. If something positive comes out of this then it is totally worth it.

anyway that's enough for tonight. This is the first time I'm sitting here on the couch doing my blog from my new laptop, I kind of like this. Hope you're all well and hopefully we'll have some good Chicago stories ..If we stay sober long enough!


Aug 29, 2007

Mid week climb

I’ve been a bit low key so far this week, I guess I figured it was in hopes of things quieting down in my life and maybe have something positive to write about. I hate writing about negative things now because I kills me to have to go back down old roads and then have to see it in writing for myself. It makes me feel like I’m going backwards.

Saturday Diane and I decided to go by the Verizon store and ask what it would cost to have her phone repaired. Well I am pleased to say that it went our way more than I had anticipated. Verizon offered to warranty the phone for $50 and a new phone should be here today. That certainly beats the $350 replacement I was originally looking at.

Monday was a bit of a rough day, it was one of those days I felt like I should have stayed in bed! Oh don’t get me wrong, on an emotional level it was perfectly fine but everything I touched Monday went sour. I ruined a bunch of cutting tools at work, a drill chuck and 2 parts!! This was a tough thing because it is so unlike me to be that inept. I just wanted to go home and restart my day like rebooting a pc after lockup!!

Other than that I need to start refocusing on not only my needs but my future. I’m almost to the point my belief is that I should just target a full time date and stick it it no matter what. That it easier said than done but I’m wondering if I just do it if I will stop damaging myself by going backwards when things get rough.

It’s been a nice week with the weather so everyday I’ve been lucky enough to take my Harley to work. This am was so awesome because the biggest brightest full moon was on the horizon today. It was breath taking to see. If anything I can at least still find beauty in my day.
Lately being lost I’d fallen of the path I was on, I stopped focusing on the more daily changes and kind of slipped into a who cares mode. So much had gone wrong and personal family issues had made things tougher to deal with that I almost had the "I give up attitude". I’m sure that was pretty apparent from the blog I posted a few days ago.

While I don’t normally put any weight into horoscopes I really thought yesterdays was cute and thought provoking

Horoscopes For Today: 8/28/2007As shallow as it might sound, sometimes looking good can help you feel good. So if you've been down in the dumps, put on the clothes that make you feel your most attractive today! You'll enjoy the day a lot more if you feel confident in your appearance -- and this will start a chain reaction of good things. If you can afford it, a shopping trip wouldn't be out of the question -- you've got a sharp eye for bargains right now and are likely to uncover one or two real finds.

It’s funny to think the stars are poking down at me trying to tell me I’m messing up and I need to take care of myself. In retrospect though it really makes a lot of sense. I have a hard time with the whole materialistic part of the change. I simply don’t equate clothing and cosmetics with what’s going on in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice clothes and playing with makeup but it certainly doesn’t define me or my GID in any way shape or form. The fact that I have to get used to is that society uses our appearance to label us female or male and it is part of the process.

I guess what it comes down to in my own mind is the thought that people associate the change in clothes with cross dressing. While I don’t look down on anyone who feels the need to express himself or herself, in that manner I do know that society has a habit of looking at it as immoral or abnormal behavior. I guess in some primitive way I may just feel a fear of being associated with something that’s viewed that way. That’s pretty stupid imo …

All in all I’m happy with everything I’ve gone through and I even appreciate the negative things I’ve gone through as well, it just makes me a stronger person in the end.
Last night my wife and I got into a deep discussion about the differences in male and female behavior. I love the fact that we can have such deep conversations about stuff like this it is so nice to be able to open up and talk about these things.

Diane had a question of me that she was hesitant to ask and it was actually quite cute. She wondered why most women had an issue with the honesty that she puts forth as though it puts them off. Diane feels she tends to offend most women with her views and she didn’t understand why. Some of the women that read this blog are identical to Diane’s type of thinking and I love having these types of women as friends.

Like some of you Diane is a no bullshit type of gal. If you ask her a question you are sure to get an honest answer from her. Most "girlie girl" type women ask a lot of loaded questions and don’t always want the truth but they want a supportive answer. Diane’s no nonsense approach can be rather boyish in emotional content, something most women not only have a hard time relating too but can be put off by.

How many times have we heard the old joke "Do these jeans make me look fat?" In fact it is a loaded question and a question that is sure to get guys in the doghouse time and time again. This is that old nurturing side that some women simply don’t want to hear the truth they want their self esteem boosted.

Diane never understood this behavior and always felt it was better to be honest than to sugar coat things and not be true to yourself. Many of my girlfriends are very much like this. These women are very strong women who can not only hang with the guys but also can put on a nice dress and ooze feminine charm. This was something I adored about my wife and to this day would have it no other way. It’s a quality I love in my friends as well. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe being nurturing is a weakness, I love even that side of feminine charm, but it is nice not having to worry about games as well. I think when you get a good balance of the two then you have good character.

Over the years Diane’s mom would get her hair dyed and as she got old she strayed towards darker colors. For a period of time she would get this dark brown reddish color that really made the red standout as the primary tone. She would be so proud of her new hair color and she would ask Diane "What do you think of my new color?"

Anyone that knows Diane would know that isn’t the question to be asking if you aren’t ready for a totally honest answer." I don’t like it" Diane would fire back, "it makes you look old!" My poor mother in law at times would look almost offended by her honest answer and Diane wouldn’t understand the hurt that it caused her mom in return. Last night I explained that her mom was in essence a "girlie girl" and was no where near Diane’s more boyish ways. This was why Diane and her mom were never as close as most mother, daughter relationships.

I’ve really learned to value this quality in Diane on several levels, it’s helped make me a better person. I’ve always taken her opinion as fact because I know she can be a brutally honest person and tell me how it is. It’s in that honesty that I know if I was making any mistakes within this transition she would tell me.

I’ve ranted enough for now ..back to the grind!


Aug 25, 2007

Weee hours

As I sit here in my kitchen it is now 4:25 am on Sat morning, Dee is asleep here in the living room. It's been a rough emotional week for me and I'm trying hard to bounce back from the negative bullshit I posted a few short days ago. This week was one of those weeks where it would just seem like everything goes wrong at once.

Saturday Dee left the lights on in her PT cruiser and drained the battery. Normally that shouldn't be a big deal just recharge it and go. In the case of my luck lately it appears that the PT has an issue that causes the passenger windows to stop working upon recharge! Needless to say in an attempt to get them working again I blew a circuit that I could not find. This in turn cause the drivers windows to stop working as well as the convertible top. This causes an issue with the smart windows not working. When you open the door on the PT the windows drop a few inches to clear the molding, thus preserving a good seal. With this not working it would cause the windows to hit the seal and bow out ... it had to go to the garage

Final Cost- $180

Obviously next up was the issue with my sister in law which I will address later

Yesterday Dee misplaced her cellphone and we looked everywhere to find it. She naturally assumed she left it at work. After 24 hours she finally found it on the ground next t our mailbox. The mail carrier had driven over it wiping out the display

Final Cost- $350

Now I understand people make mistakes and in all honesty I am upset about these happening but I can honestly say I am not mad at her. I do however feel like a heel because for a brief instance today I snapped and became the old me, hollering and yelling like an idiot. I now realize that all the stress I've been experiencing with this transition and the current events had taken a toll on my emotional well being. I can honestly see how a little negativity can spiral into big negativity. I now realize I have no choice, I have to move forward because the old me needs to be a part of the past. I forgot what that feels like.

Work~ I have an old friend at work that always asks my advice. Recently he asked for help in picking out a new pc as he has no experience with it and feels more comfortable having someone he knows that does. I brought him a bunch of ads a week or so ago and pointed out some really good deals for him and he said he was going to go get one. I stopped in at his work area this week to see if he had and he hadn't but asked if I wasn't busy if we could hook up this weekend. As I walked out of his room I joked that he'd better do it soon because in the near future he may not want to bother with me anymore.

While this has been a joke it is also a way of me gaging reactions with certain people and to be honest I got nothing, that was until about 2pm when he walked into my room and loudly asked 'What are ya getting a sex change?"

When he didn't get the reaction he expected his attitude toned down a bit and he tried to talk about some transsexuals in another division of our company. I wasn't fully ready to out myself at work so I kept the conversation low key but never played into his game.

So why is it guys in general have to act that way? Is it a threat to their masculinity? I have to admit the more ignorance i hear come from the mouths of different men the more I realize that I was never like them. Oh I may have played the game at times to fit in but my emotions just do not work the same way. Thank God!

Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all guys are bad or all guys are jerks. I know plenty who have been great to me and supportive. It's just that those few rotten times stand out as typical male behaviour. The more I see how differently my mind works the more i understand that I'm doing the right thing.

My sister in law~ Apparently Diane sent her another copy of the original email and a copy of my blog from Tuesday. Her sister responded on Thursday morning with a note that read

I've never seen this email before, I thought Kev was referring to a different email. I will call you tonight.

She called at 8:15pm Thursday and had a conversation with Dee in which she asked why we never discussed this with her before or even personally. It hurts me to think that others right to know supersedes my right to handle things in the best emotional manner for me. In essence my own comfort. I don't blame her for it, I just know this seems to be a common factor in dealing with sensitive subjects.

She went on to ask Diane if she was alright and what out intentions as a couple were. Lastly she said that she knew nothing of this and would need to spend time researching it and lastly assured us that she loves us no matter what.

I've had a rough family life, I've dealt with a lot of loss. People in my family do not seem to love unconditionally for whatever reason they choose. When it comes to my wife and her family, the last thing I want to do is be a cause for heartache and I could never live with myself for causing the loss. It scares me to think that my working to make myself better could actually cause someone I love pain.

At the end of it all I'd rate the outcome at 50/50 but lean it more towards a positive thing, I think it will just take time. All that I can hope for myself is that I am on my way back up and hopefully even stronger

Anyway, that's about it for now. If you have kicked me in the ass this week thank you. If you were worried for my well being thank you. I can't say I feel a lot better today but I can admit that I need to be happy and keep myself focused.