Mar 22, 2007

NH News

There was a great local article in the newspaper this week about NH transsexual women lobbying for laws requiring insurance companies to help cover cost associated with transitioning. What most people assume is that this is a choice and not a necessary medical treatment. Because of this mentality most transgendered people will face high monetary cost associated with their treatments.

What sucks about the whole thing is that the medical community is now starting to study and document that this condition is brought on by changes in fetal development and not a mental disorder as once believed. While most insurance companies with allow you to get mental health help the treatment ceases to be their responsibility from that point on. It would make it appear as though you could simply be cured by getting therapy!!

While some people might argue that it would cause health care to rise and it isn’t a necessary process I can honestly say without the "process" most transsexuals are sentence to a life of despair and possibly death. This in itself coupled with the theories that it is a prenatal condition should force insurance companies to take better care of its clients and not be able to discriminate based on things that aren’t fully understood.

I find it disgusting that this goes on considering the amount of money I’ve dumped into my insurance over the years without really needing it, except on a few major occasions. The costs associated with treatment are extraordinary to begin with. Add in possible employment discrimination and it makes it much harder for the Avg TS to be able to take care of themselves, let alone use the insurance.

Therapy, Hormone treatment, Electrolysis, Surgery, Legal Changes all add up to tens of thousands of dollars and unless you either have a nest egg to fall on already or the means to make a decent long term salary, then it really becomes almost impossible to become right with ones self.

Thankfully there are ways to get some help if you don’t have the financial means, but that help can be tough to get to and it doesn’t offset everything. Hopefully in the future our lawmakers will begin to realize that we all deserve equal treatment, as the money we contribute isn’t any less valuable than any other group of people…

If you want to read the article it can be located here..

What’s awesome for me is Dr Madden is my Dr. It’s nice to see her fighting to improve things..

Mar 19, 2007

What a weekend ..

Our weekend started off crazy as Friday we had a pretty good snowstorm roll through. We got approximately 14" of snow with ice and rain at the end which left the cover of snow with a glisten on Sunday morning when the sun came through,. It is such a pretty site to see and I feel for people who have never gotten the chance to experience it.

Normally by this time of the year I’ve had enough of the snow and my mind and body long for warmer days and extended sunshine. The area is always filled with beautiful sites and wonderful smells as the death of winter leads to the renewed birth of spring time. The gray look of snow and bare trees becomes replaced with the floral smell of the vegetation and people bustling about enjoying the warmth the day has to offer ..

Generally my 2 favorite times of the year are spring and fall, spring for some of the reasons I just mentioned. Fell precedes summer with a crispness about the air at night with the site and smell of the leaves.. it really is a grand thing to experience at least once in your life.

Sat morning we got up and moved all the snow that had been dumped overnight. I have to admit my body is really starting to show signs of the changes from the hormones. My muscle mass has decreased significantly and I simply don’t have the strength I once did. It can get frustrating for me a times because my memory tells me something significantly different from my muscles. Needless to say I was a bit worn out by the work we had done,

That night we met with friends for a nice dinner at a local steakhouse and let it rip. I’m paying the price today for over indulgence but it isn’t something normally do. We ran the full spectrum from appetizers, salad and dinner to cheesecake for dessert.

Sunday we met Diane’s dad for breakfast and did our usual grocery shopping. That afternoon left us to shopping at the mall as Diane needed new jeans. Lately she has been borrowing a few of my jeans that she seemed to like so we headed off to the gap to find her a similar cut and she found exactly what she wanted. I think she is enjoying having extra options in the house to "borrow" and have some change from time to time.

I’m not sure what happened this am but we ended up sleeping an hour late and getting into work late. It has been a while since I rolled into work for 7am but it left me with one of those rare experiences that we generally take for granted. As I drove into work I decided to take the back roads instead of the highway as I needed gas and the highway is generally overloaded by 7-8 am. For those who aren’t aware one of the main highways in NH is RT93 which is a state highway, but all of 2 lanes. It makes for gridlock as you can imagine.

As I was driving in the sun was cresting over the tree line and was being filtered by a light layer of clouds on the horizon. When it gets filtered in this manner it gives you the ability to see the whole disk as it radiates reds and oranges. It was an awesome site to start the week with……..

Hope your weekend was nice as well ..

Mar 15, 2007

You’re such a girl!!

Sometime ago early on in my learning about who I am and where I am going I had a really cool conversation with my friend Annah. We have been able to have a lot of those because she understood what was in front of me as well as similarities in our lives. During the course of our conversation one day Annah made a comment that escapes me at the moment but elicited a response from me that made her smile and say thank you!.

"You’re such a girl!"

The phrase in itself seems so minuscule but for a transgendered girl it really can be the ultimate affirmation of who they truly are. I never much thought of it at the time when I said it, I simply saw that quality in the conversation and pointed it out in a playful manner. In some small way I think maybe I was envious because she oozed femininity with such ease.

While I always understood I’d had this inside me I simply never believed I would ever get to the same point she was at but I had admired her for everything she had become because it was all I had desired through my life. I viewed myself very differently from the world yet I tried very hard to fit within a certain mold that I felt society had predetermined for me.

I’ve never gone out of my way over the last year to change my mannerisms or the things I do yet certain aspects of my behavior are much different as I let my guard down and feel at ease. Lately this is mostly while I am at home and I am totally unguarded.

Recently while sitting on the couch watching TV I turned to look at my beautiful wife and noticed her sitting and staring at me intently. I asked her "What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?" Her response was simply those 4 words. "You’re such a girl" Why do you say that I asked and she explained that my mannerisms, my whole look and simply the way I act when I am unguarded really makes it show through.

As I’ve become happier and more content with the world around me that little girl seems to just naturally show and when she actually points it out it blows me away. It can be so overwhelming that I could actually burst into tears over it.

Recently I wrote about an experience I had using my bank card and Emily posted a response that now is starting to make a lot more sense to me. She simply wrote that it didn’t matter what I was wearing at the time it was probably more in the way I was presenting myself. I guess at times it really is hard to look from the outside to our inner person and see ourselves for who we are easily. The fact is that those things reaffirm to me that this is right and a natural progression I am going through.

The differences in behavior do show from time to time even for me. Men simply move through life differently than women. They are expected to be more aggressive and they do what I call "posturing" which is a very funny way of presenting themselves. They don’t really realize that they are doing it themselves they just have a natural knack for it.

Posturing is similar to the animal world in the sense that in order to gain a place or win a female they have to fight or make themselves appear stronger to be more appealing. This gives potential mates interest. Human beings aren’t much different just sit in a mall and watch them, it can be quite entertaining.

Men when walking by each other will generally look each other directly in the eye. If girls are present they will stand a certain way straightening up and making themselves appear larger and they ooze the whole "Don’t fuck with me attitude" they don’t realize they do it, they just do and generally it is worse as a teenager because they are learning their place.

Back in high school we were taught during job interviews several tricks to gain respect. Look your interviewer directly in the eye, speak with confidence and most of all shake hands with a firm hand pumping twice.

Men are generally taught to have a firm handshake because it shows confidence and to some extent a sense of self. A weak handshake will generally show weakness and will not get the same response. The differences are simply funny when you think about them in such a trivial way.

Not along ago Diane and I were out and about and I decided I really need to get my mustang washed. As we pulled into the tunnel and the attendant came to the car asking if he could help me. In a deeper voice than my normal one I asked for the $5 wash and Diane broke into a fit of laughter. The sad part was I knew exactly WHY she was laughing. Without even thinking about it I was projecting my voice in a much more male tone than usual because of the attendant.

I didn’t intend for it to happen but social conditioning has taught me to behave in certain manners depending upon the situation. Now when I hear "you’re such a girl" I can savor it so much more and I love her for pointing those things out. When I hear it I suddenly feel more normal than I previously had.


Mar 14, 2007

Whooo warm days!!

Warm winds of spring are blowing in!! Or are they? Today the temperature is supposed to hit close to 70 degrees which is always welcomed after a long winter. The funny part about it is that they are calling for a possible snow storm on Friday into Saturday!!

Only in New England …

Dee’s mom did her annual trek back to England to spend a few weeks with her mom. Her mom has been getting up there in age so she tries to get there as much as possible to get some quality time with her. I always as a young kid imagined leaving New England to be far away from my family and be able to just deal with my inner demons. It never happened because as much as I wanted to be somewhere else the fact was I loved it here. I have to give her a lot of credit for coming to a new country so young and building a life.

Dee’s mom came over in the early 60’s with aspirations of working as a nanny for a few year and then going back to England to live. She once spoke of the day she left her family and her mother crying on the way to the airport. Pauline simply told her she couldn't’t understand why she was crying because she would be back in a year or two… that was over 43 yrs or so ago …
When she came to this country as a 18/19 yr old she had a circle of British girls that she stayed friendly with and remain that way to this day. During a wedding ceremony she got up to with the single women to attempt to catch the bouquet and she was successful but what would happen beyond that is almost out of a story book.

My father in law attending his friends wedding caught the garter and anyone who knows the tradition knows that he places it on the girls leg. Traditionally the girl who catches the flowers is the next to get married… It seems like it was cut from a story book and against odds but that was exactly what happened!!

With Diane’s mom being on holiday it leaves my father in law with about 2-3 weeks of alone time so his children try and keep him busy with dinners and going out etc. Friday we are taking him to a local BBQ joint for ribs which is one of his favorite foods.. These are generally the only times he has alone time with his children.

That’s that for now ..I’ll write more later.


Mar 12, 2007

Sound and smells of springtime

The season is slowly changing back from that blah grayish landscape back to the rich colors of spring. It seems to be happening earlier this year but it isn’t surprising given the mild winter we have had. The early change of the clocks has most certainly wiped this old body of mine out.

I hate getting tired because I feel it so much more now with all the changes that are going on to my body and my mind. When I get rundown things affect me to a greater degree and I find I tend to be more emotional, things become tougher to deal with and it has an overall tendency to make my mood a little more blue.

My week this week will be spent getting back to normal from this crazy time change that we abuse ourselves with every year. The weather is supposed to be awesome this week with temperatures getting into the mid 50’s and 60’s by mid week.

The 2 most favorite seasons for me are spring and fall and I’m so excited to see one of those seasons coming in. Spring is that breath of fresh air after being stuck in a closed up house for the last 4-5 months, I simply cannot wait to open the windows and bring the outside in.

I still have not gotten any closure with the gasoline incident but I am hoping to hear from the police today letting me know it is taken care of. Most of all I want an apology from the owner of the station as I feel I deserve for being put through this erroneous accusation. Joking around on Friday night we met friends for a movie and I dubbed myself the "Gasoline Bandit" .. Hey it was good for a few laughs ..

Diane and I had what we consider one of those nice quiet weekends that we savor so much. With the stresses of the previous week I wish I could say I was better company for her but we all have our moments. I’m happy to say my moments are much further apart and less intense than they used to be so it cannot be all bad. I’ll take those moments with ease now.

As I said Friday night we went and saw a movie called Wild Hogs about an older group of guys going on a motorcycle road trip to regain their youth and freedom. While the critics gave it really low ratings, I can honestly say it was an awesome movie. We have not laughed so much at a movie in such a long time so the critics can go blow!!

Friday also brought some sad news as the singer "Brad Delp" from the band Boston was found dead. This was really disturbing because I have been a Boston fan since their first album. Brad was a NH resident and kept fairly busy on the local club circuit when not working with Boston.

Brad you will be missed but not forgotten

Enough for now, I hope your week kicks major ass ..

Mar 8, 2007

Ever been accused of something you hadn’t done?

I’ve had a reasonably stressful week this week and while it is close to being over, some of the anxiety is still there. On Monday of this week a police officer from the next town over left a voicemail for my wife at home. On the voicemail he explained that on the morning of Feb 28th 2007 my wife had gone into a local mobil station to pump gas. She swiped her card but had stopped to talk to someone and the transaction timed out, she pumped $35 in gas and drove off without paying.

Sounds like an innocent mistake right? Just go pay the $35 you are told you owe and be done with it. That is until you start breaking the facts down and realize it simply wasn’t possible, as you weren’t there on that day.

After contacting the police and the gas station I was a bit taken back. The gas station attendant identified a yellow ford mustang driven by a woman as the person who had done it. When I explained I owned a ford mustang but I hadn’t been in the station on the day in question she pretty much pegged me for it but as the facts came out even further it was more bizarre

On the morning of Feb 28th at 9:15 am a yellow mustang drove off without paying for their gas. Like I said I own a yellow mustang and it isn’t a common color but I’m disturbed at how they arrive at accusing my wife or me of this event. On that morning they never got a plate number for the car all they got was a general description but what bother me is what happened next.

On the morning of Monday March 5th at 5:40am I stopped at that station on my way into work as I had little gas in my tank. The attendant saw a yellow mustang and identified it as the drive off car and called the police turning MY plate number in almost a week after the infraction!!

On the morning of Feb 28th at 9:15 am when I was identified as driving off in my mustang me and my car were sitting 16 miles away at work. I start work at 6 am and it would have taken me over an hour round trip to do what they say. To prove this I turned security tapes from my employers parking lot over to the police showing my car in the lot virtually all day on the 28th… obviously it wasn’t me

The gas station owner is a representative for the state of NH and when I spoke to him I asked if I could come in and view his security tapes to prove it wasn’t me. He agreed but he expected me to take time from my job to do it as he wasn’t taking time from his, While I wanted to get this matter cleared up I didn’t feel it was fair to expect me to lose 3 hours pay because his clerk misidentified me. So I guess the security tapes from my employer are a valuable thing.

When did this country get so messed up that I became guilty before I was ever innocent in this mess? Why was the burden of proof on me to prove my innocence instead of the station owner having to prove guilt? How is it the police can take a plate number 5 days after the initial event?

... It’s been a stressful week for sure … I can’t wait to be over this mess …