Mar 20, 2011

Sunday 12:14 pm Vermont

As I write this I am sitting in the backseat of Cynthia's car with about 3 hours to go to reach the residence in Montreal. The last few days have had me riding a wave of emotions. Everything from elation to fear. I am having a hard time believing that this time has come. Looking back on it I go from feeling that it came too fast and sometimes I am amazed at how long it seems to have taken.

It hard sitting in the back of a car for 5 hours bring nervous of what you are about to experience but at the same time it is a lifetime of internal pain just to get here.

Last night we took time to have dinner with the whole family and then went back to my inlays for cake. The time they gave me last night was just what I needed and I'm taking that with me. It's amazing to be able to see that they are not only happy for me in what I. Have to do but they are also worried for me that everything turns out well. It's hard not to feel more loved than that. I'm lucky to have all the friends and family in my life that I do and I am forever grateful for them.

I once told my wife that maybe I was put here like this for a reason, maybe my being is to teach people about tolerance and diversity. Who knows but at least I know the people around me are forever changed along with me.

Diane seems to be at peace with things, more so than I am. I worry that I'm doing something that is hurtful to her and she constantly assures me that I'm not. How do you ever find a better partner than that?

Well enough for now, it has begun. I'll try updating as much as possible

Mar 14, 2011

Hormone therapy

Have I mentioned getting off hormone therapy sucks?

Mar 13, 2011

Incredible women

I've mentioned that I have 3 incredible women in my life and without those three my story would have ended long ago. I look at these three with love but also admiration for who they are. Each of these women have hearts that far exceed most people that I know and I only wish I could be as good as they are.

My wife Diane for obvious reasons is the first. I met Diane when I was 17 and we have not only been best friends ever since, but we couldn't be more in love. Diane has known about my feelings for a great deal of our 20 year marriage and she never once wavered in what she expected of or for me. She has always wanted for my dreams to come true and for me to have that sense of happiness and inner peace that I could never seem to find internally. She wanted this for me unselfishly at the prospect of losing her man to a newer woman.

Every so often I would ask her if she was sure this was the right thing for both of us, she would always smile and give me a reassuring yes. She has admitted that without this she feels she would lose the person she loved due to suicide. Sometimes she shows that she is a much wiser woman than I am or could ever be.

Diane seems to look at every new step with excitement and wonderment. In some crazy way this could never be the same without sharing all these new steps with her. I grow more and more in love with her everyday. Something I'd never believed was possible.

The second woman who is an inspiration to me is Annah Moore. She inspires me not because she has some form of notoriety, she inspires me to be a better person because that's what she has been. She has shown a caring and love for a person 2800 miles away from her without any hesitation.

I knew Annah as a member of a few prominent guitar bulletin boards I ran. She was a cute girl that all the guys on the site would fall over every time she posted. They would be there to complement her every time she would post a new song she had recorded. Everyone saw her as a special girl because most women don't shred on guitar and here was this blond beauty who could rip.

One evening on the discovery health network was a show on transsexuals transitioning. It was designed to be a tasteful but educational show on transsexuals and on that show was this be beautiful blond ripping on a jackson guitar, her name Was Annah Moore!

I remember that morning when the story broke on our boards I vowed she would not be treated any differently and got our other administrators on board. Then I realized I had the perfect opportunity to tall to someone who not only has dealt with e same thing Im living with but she was brave enough to fix it. I emailed Annah and we have been friends ever since. She was the first person who had been able to get into my head and realize I was headed for a destructive path. She has given me a shoulder to lean on, celebrated each new victory, taught me to not be ashamed of who I am. I cannot ever look back on where I started or where I am now without being thankful for my angel Annah. I never believed in fate until I felt like she was pushed into my path for a reason. It was too perfect in timing to not be.

The third woman I admire and adore is Cynthia Tebbetts. My counselor told me about a story that was about to appear in our local paper. Obviously I looked forward to that because it was about exactly what I had been dealing with. In that story was a lady named Cynthia Tebbetts.

Let me start by saying I don't normally search out people in the paper but again, I believe Cynthia was put in my path for a reason. While profile hopping on myspace. I came across Cynthia's profile. What caught my eye was that in her list of heroes that she hoped to meet one day was my friend Annah. Cynthia saw Annah on dsc and had read Annah's book. Because of that one connection I decided to email her tell her who I was and thank her for her story in the paper. We have been good friends ever since.

Cynthia is playfully referred to as mom by some. It took me a while to see why. What I realized early about her is that she has a a depth for caring for people and animals that surpasses most people. She is another woman that walked the same path that I am and has never hesitated to be my shoulder or my strength in tough days.

Cyn is such a caring person that she volunteered to accompany Dee and I to Montreal for the 10 days just so Diane wouldn't have to be alone. She is such a giving caring person that I could never repay her but I am so proud to be able to call her my friend. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't email each other. In fact there isn't a day that I don't speak to each one of these women.

So in closing I wanted to thank each one publicly and show the people who read this blog that there are good people who care out there. There are people who can see through to your core and they can show enough love to change your path. My life will never be the same due to these three, but it will never be the same in a great way. Because of these three I have become a rich woman. They have given me a gift that I am thankful for everyday of my life now ...

Thanks ladies and I love you!

Mar 12, 2011

New tattoo to mark the new change

Almost there

As I sit here to type this I am typing this on my new iPad. I bought this specifically to take to Montreal when I have my surgery! Kinda cool where technology has gone.

The point of this blog when I started was to be able to document a journal for myself as, well as allow others dealing with gender identity issues to have a resource. It would also allow people who wanted more insights into what it was an avenue to learn. Inevitably though for a lot of us surgery is the final step in moving on with out lives. GRS or genital reconstructive surgery is the big step to making a lot of us feel whoever and right. For me that comes in a little more than 1 week when I travel to Montreal and have GRS with Dr Pierre Brassard, one of the top surgeons in this field.

Over the last few weeks I've been through a lot preparing for my journey. I've had to stop my hormone therapy in preparation for surgery. It is a necessary caution as estrogen can cause blood clotting and other meds can can cause excessive bleeding. So while there is an upside to doing this there is also a huge burden to be dealt with, hormone withdrawal.

Hormone withdrawal sucks, I cannot state it any plainer at that. It basically mimics what menopause does in gender born women. I've run the gambit of symptoms from hot flashes to cramping in my legs and back to depression. It has not been a fun two weeks but I can easily justify it to get to e end of this and do so in a safe manner!

While sitting at my in-laws last week I had the first hot flash which my mother in law and her best friend thought funny. She laughed and remarked to me "well, you wanted to be a woman" I guess she could sympathize with what I was going though! Lol needless to say I have probably not been the most pleasant person to be around for the last few weeks.

Over the next days and weeks I am gong to try and document everything I experience. Not only for this blog but I am considering following in my friends footsteps and writing a book on my transition. While there are plenty of books on the subject, every story is unique and it doesn't hurt. Besides I find a lot of humor in my transition as I move forward, I have to or I'd go crazy!

Well this is enough for now but I'll be back. I need to publicly thank 3 of the most incredible women I know.