Aug 31, 2008

Just stopping by

As I sit here and type this it is 5 minutes to 10pm on Sunday evening. I am totally wiped out as we had a busy family day today. I got to spend some quality time with my granddaughter which is always an awesome thing, I love watching her progression. I continue to be grateful to be here to see and feel everything associated with being a grandparent.

Yesterday I had my 2nd electrolysis appointment. I ended up being 15 minutes late because I thought it was for 10:30 am and it was scheduled for 10:15 am. I guess that's not a bad thing considering just a week ago I told her it was convenient that she was only 5 minutes from my home and I'd have no excuse for being late.

Again not much pain to deal with, I think there were only 2 zaps that I felt but even those were not unbearable at all. Today it feels a bit like a bruise but it isn't so bad. My skin seems to react well to the treatment and you cannot even tell that I've had anything done.

When I first started laser my skin would go through acne breakouts after the treatment. I don't know if it was oils being released to sooth the skin from the trauma or what but it was awful to deal with. So far, within an hour of being finished you couldn't even tell. She hasn't quite cleared all the hair on my frontal chin but she has definitely put a dent in it. Shaving that area this week seems to be easier and that was one of the suckier parts of my face to shave. Hopefully I get a full hour in next Sat and she is able to clear most of the frontal hair.

So far I'm not minding going to these appointments. It's tolerable and she seems to be a very warm interesting girl who can speak about any number of topics. It certainly passes the time. The only thing that sucks is that by the time an hour is up my back is sore from lying on the table.

Yesterday morning Dee and I headed over to Panera for our Sat morning bagels and coffee day. We sat in the window to people watch as usual. At one point a lady came in with a teenage daughter, ordered their breakfast and sat 2 tables behind Dee.

Diane wanted to being bagels home so she got up to throw the trash away and head up to the counter and I noticed the lady intently staring at her as she walked by to the point of turning to watch her as she was past. I had been thinking to myself what the hell is up with this, figuring that something must be up. When she turned to her daughter I was able to catch a hint of the conversation and the lady comment "Now she is a really pretty girl" to her daughter. When Diane came back I told her and she had an awesome smile on her face.

As much as I adore Diane and I have always believed her to be drop dead gorgeous, she has never felt that way about herself. In my opinion Diane is one of those women who can go working on cars with guys to wearing a dress and shine in the process. She has a natural beauty that I am constantly in awe of. Whether she has no makeup or she is completely done up she has never had an issue turning some guys head. I see the same natural beauty in my daughter as well. Thank god for Diane's good genes.

Life has been good this past week and I've been on a nice even keel. I am so happy to finally be able to say that I'm fine, that I'm getting better and that life is good, it's getting better all the time. It might get sickening to hear, but it will never be sickening for me to write.


Aug 29, 2008

Perception is a funny thing

Years ago before I decided to face my fears and I was living hidden as a male I had an experience that was quite amusing, on the flip side I've had some that were rather annoying. By the same note it also relates to this whole journey now is some strange way. It's how people perceive us, whether it be visually or vocally and how they come to their conclusions of who we are.

Part of the previous topic was how people who don't know me perceive me vs the people who do know me and simply don't see a visual change.

Years ago after buying the home Dee and I currently own we had seen an ad for a waterbed. We already had a queen sized water bed from our first apt but this one was a king, it had a canopy that Diane and always wanted and it was inexpensive. After throwing the idea back and forth decided it couldn't hurt to get more info and maybe look at it. I got the number from the ad and made the phone call.

A young girl answered the phone and I asked her a series of questions about the condition of the bed, the heater, why she wanted to get rid of it etc. After I was satisfied that it was of interest I made an appointment to go see it.

When we arrived at the girls house we went up and the walk and rung the doorbell. As the door opened I introduced my wife and myself and in we went to look at the bed. It the course of the conversation the girl admitted to me that I wasn't what she expected at all. In fact it was quite the opposite of what she expected. Talking to me on the phone she had the sense that I was a businessman and I would show up probably wearing a suit. The reality was that I had hair down to my waist and played in a metal band. The contrast from my manner of speech to my visual just didn't seem to match to her.

At times over the years I would get asked why I had long hair and I'd mention being a guitarist. I'd talk to people about all different subjects with great interest. At times conversations would turn to high school, being a teen and smoking pot. I've readily admitted to anyone who asks that not only do I not do drugs, I've never even tried so much as a joint. This concept often perplexes people, as it just doesn't fit the stereotype. Even after I moved to NH I had the policed called on me and it turned out because I had "long hair"

We as trans people deal with the exact same discrimination in perception because of the damage that the entertainment industry has done of us. People hear the word transgender or transsexual and we automatically become lepers no matter how authentic the inner person really is. Some of us will always live with the visual perception of judgment without ever opening our mouths and yet, we come from all walks of life, all levels of intelligence.

Over time as people come to learn more of the science behind the condition, they will come to be more open to who we are. Hopefully then we will be judged for who we are and not a perception ...

Happy Labor Day peoples …

Aug 26, 2008

DMV part deux, Zap Zap old friends

Well back to the DMV today for the "retake" and I'm pleasantly surprised, they seem to have finally gotten things under control. As I walked in I noticed a sign that simply said "retakes" The officer that was there the last time happened to be working again and asked me for my letter. Lucky for me I got to jump the line, apparently retakes get priority. It wouldn't have mattered anyway because there was probably 6 people in line and 3 lines working.

The officer took my letter over to one of the girls working the camera and computers, not long after I heard her yell out "KARYN?" It's the first time my name has actually been called out loud in such a manner in front of a room full of people. She snapped my photo and showed it to me, asked me if it was ok (It's a DMV photo, it's never ok!) I then went and stood to the side and waited. KARYN! You're all set!!

In all honestly I went au-natural for my picture. I didn't have any makeup on; in fact I had just gone from work to do this. I let my hair down and made sure it looked decent and went in. Now as I said, eh it's a dmv photo, but I'm happy that it came out much better than the last one and even without makeup my face does look feminine in it so I guess I can live with this one. It does however suck that I'll have been on a cheap paper temp license for a total of 4 months! If anything this redo worked in my favor as I hated the other crappy pic anyway.

This past weekend was quite a busy do nothing weekend. Saturday Dee did her last shift at curves and then as she was getting out I had my first electrolysis appointment to finally take care of the gray hair. To say I was nervous was probably an understatement; I'm a wuss at heart. When I got there I was met by Rita who owns the place and does the zapping. She did her best to calm my nerves and help me feel comfortable which was awesome.

As she was explaining the process, the dos, the don'ts and whatnots we could hear Dee's bike pull up outside (Hey it's a Harley!). When Dee walked in I opened the door to let her in the room and the consult continued. I had set an hour appointment for this session and we ate up about 40 minutes doing all the paperwork and questions so it wouldn't leave more than 20-30 minutes for her to work on me.

As I lay down on the table I mentioned to Rita that there was something familiar about her but I simply couldn't put my finger on it. Seems she thought Diane looked familiar to her as well. When I asked where she was originally from she blurted out my hometown and I mentioned that we were from there as well. When Diane asked her maiden name and Rita gave it I shot up off the table. "Why, do you know the name?" she asked. I mentioned I used to hang around with a girl named Jean in high school and it turned out to be her sister. I knew her family! No wonder it made sense that there was a familiarity about her.

What turned out to be even more funny was that she said in an email that her and her sister used to get picked up and driven to school by a kid named Pete and another kid. That kid was actually me .. LOL Again small world!

Rita commenced to explaining what she was doing as she did it and in no time we were underway. I have to admit that after having been lasered this was a piece of cake; I could have slept on the table as she worked on me. I don't know what I was so worried about all this time. There wasn't really much pain at all and all I can do is liken it to a pinprick. After she was done I decided to make an appointment for this Sat, we'll see how that goes.

After we were done Dee and I decided to grab a few shirts and head over to Harley as they are running an Aug special of trade in a dealer's shirt and get 25% off a new dealer's shirt. This would serve me well as I need to purge male Harley shirts for girl's shirts anyway so at least I get something for them and apparently the dealership is donating the old shirts to charity. So I ended up with 2 new girls shirts that I really liked. I'm thinking before the end of the month I may trade in another 4 shirts.

As Dee was writing the check to pay for the shirts she needed her ID from the bag in my bike so I went outside to get it. As I was walking back towards the door I was approached by a guy. "Is that your friend's sportster?" I told him it was and he had remarked that it was a really nice bike and I just thanked him. As I walked in the door it suddenly clicked with me that he called Dee my friend which meant if he was seeing a boy that isn't typically something a guy would ask. Implying Dee was my friend meant he saw a female. Getting this from strange men has been something I really needed so I know I'm passing to both sexes. That made my afternoon!

Saturday evening Dee and I did something out of the ordinary for us; we went out late for a few margaritas. It was a nice change instead of feeling old and spending Sat evening at home.

Sunday morning we had to get up early and do my monthly breakfast with my cousin Betty. It's something I think we have both become fond of doing so that we can spend time getting to know each other. She's been accepting and calling me Karyn quite easily so it's an added bonus.

From there we headed over to Home depot to pick up some bolts so we could reassemble our old couch in the family room. We are hoping to have our friends from Chicago visit in the near future and we are trying to get things back in order for their visit. After we walked out of HD and approached our bike a gentleman rode up on a Harley slightly older than mine. He seemed quite cheerful and as he walked by us commented about the chill in the air on the bikes and proceeded to admire Dee's bike, chatted a few minutes and off he went. As he walked away he chirped "Have a nice ride ladies!" Hey another one!! I was so stoked…

I still have a hard time understanding that people probably see a girl, I just get nervous that I'll expect that's what they see and then I'll get sired or something. My friends Cynthia and Kristi both get frustrated with me. Cynthia told me in email yesterday, sorry I just don't see Kevin, I do see Karyn though, and you look fine! I know they think I'm crazy but I also understand that the people closest to me tell me they see male, they don't see female so for whatever reason that seems to stick in the back of my mind.
If anything I see it in the mirror now easily, Kev's gone and I am getting used to hearing Karyn. My heart still skips a beat whenever I'm addressed by my name. I just hope I can get over this last hump soon so RLT can start.

Well, tomorrow is the monthly counseling session I(oh yay!) Life is good and I'm happy, for now that's the most important thing because I know the rest is following and will only get better.

I hope you're all happy, healthy and fulfilled

Aug 20, 2008

DMV woes

If you have been following my blog for any length of time you are probably aware that the NH Dept of Motor Vehicles decided to go to a new licensing system. On June 16th of this year my name legally changed to Karyn which meant the change of all of my personal documents. About 3 weeks before that change happened the NH DMV implemented the new licensing system but never thought it through well enough to have it go seamlessly.

The first issue that we noticed was the amount of time I needed to spend at the DMV to get a new license. Under the old system it would normally take me no more than 10 minutes start to finish and that was one of the things I loved about the way Govt ran up here, it was so simple and streamlined. That was until we walked in the door of the registry, saw the line and proceeded to spend over 3 hours for my new license.

When I got my new license I was excited about finally having the new name on it but disappointed in the fact that it was now a cheap paper temporary license that would only be good for 60 days until the new one was mailed. Apparently they felt this new system would help prevent fraud.

As I walked out of the registry 2 things came to mind. One was the fact that when I walked in the door my hair was nice and flat ironed out. Now anyone that has ever seen old picture of me would know that I have such thick hair that in order for it to look tamed I need to flat iron it. With so many people in the room that day, the humidity in the room and the length of time, my hair came out looking like one big frizzy mess by the time the actual picture was taken. The only saving grace was that my license renewal is for next year anyway so I'll be getting a new picture then

The 2nd thing that struck me was how dark the actual picture was. You can surely make out my hair and face but the picture is so dark there's no true way to know it was me.

I'd been reading he paper since this new system was implemented and I've noticed that a lot of people seem to be having trouble using their new "Temp" ID. They look so fake that banks, liquor stores etc all refuse to accept them as valid forms of ID. (Oh great) The pocitive in this was that every day that ticked down was one less day I had to worry about using my id because my new one would soon arrive.

Another "problem" that was being written about was the fact that the Temp licenses for some people were expiring before getting a new one and sure enough as of last Friday my temp has expired. 2 days prior to it expiring I contacted the DMV to let them know I hadn't received my permanent license and after reviewing my record, I was assured that my license is valid no matter what. She stated according the system I should be receiving the new one any time now.

Yesterday upon opening the mailbox I was happy to see an envelope form the NH DMV but a bit perplexed when I realized that there was nothing "hard" like a license in the envelope and my first thought was "oh, oh"

There was a letter in the envelope that stated "Unfortunately the image we captured of you did not come out clearly and as such we are unable to mail you your new permanent license." They want me to come back in a have my picture redone, then they will issue me ANOTHER 60 day temp license.

Ok, these days it takes a lot more to rattle my cage but c'mon WTF people. Why did you have to wait until 1) My 1st temp expired before sending me a letter and 2) Does this means because you screwed the system up so badly I'll need to take ANOTHER day off work to get my license redone? Not to mention the fact that it will now be 120 days on a driver's license that most of the state of NH doesn't accept as a valid form of identification

I've always loved this state and I was very proud of the way it had been run. I have to say this leaves a lot of disappointment with me as it makes me wonder if this is more of what our future holds. In my opinion this is nothing more than more B.S. under the guise of homeland security.

If I have to walk away with something positive (and I will) it is the fact that I wont be stuck with the picture that made me look like a crack whore drag queen ….

How's your day going?


Aug 18, 2008

Blah Blah Blah Blah

Well I had to start this off somehow so that subject line seemed fitting!! It's Monday and the sun is shining, something it hasn't done much of lately because there has been so much rain.

I'm not sure why but I seem to be a bit tired today. Maybe it's just the Monday morning start to the week hitting me,. None the less I'm in a great mood even nursing a slight headache. Life is good.

As I've stated in the past I did laser hair removal to take care of the dark hair on my face. While it did an awesome job I still have a good amount of gray o my chin and neck area. I've also noticed a few stray dark hairs coming back as well. This past Friday I made an appointment for conventional electrolysis to start clearing the final stages. What's left for the most part is invisible until it's a few days growth so it'll be something that isn't a dire rush to get through.

I am however looking forward to getting away from a razor. I'm an very nervous about how long and how painful this part of it will be. So my appointment will be this coming Sat which means I need to allow 2 days growth (yuck) so she can work on it.

The end of last week the front brakes went on Dee's car which kind of sucks. I've decided I'll just order the parts and do it myself as it is quite a bit cheaper and relatively easy to do. I did however tell her this will be a "we" project. I'm kind of feeling like it is time that we are on even ground with the male based stuff that needs to be done. She smiled and said no problem, I think that was one of the things I loved about her, she's always willing to do unconventional things.

Yesterday we went over to the mall to Sephora and I bought a new eye kit by bare esscentuals. Call "Rocker eye tutorial" It's basically a kit with a gray glimmer shadow and darker blackish glitter shadow a liner caller "black leather (ooh la la) and it comes with a nice brush to create the effect. The effect is designed to be a smoky eye rock and roll type look.. Both Dee and I figure it kind of goes with my rocker mentality that I've lived all these years. LOL

Last night while Dee took the dogs for a walk I got into the kit and tried it out. I wasn't happy with the results but I'm never happy when it comes to stuff. I'm never happy because I tend to always feel like I can do better. I guess sometimes a good quality and sometime nothing but a pain in the ass. When she got home and saw it she seemed to like it and felt that it fit my personality well so we'll see if I can refine it more. I'm not used to applying dark colors to my eye and funny enough I always feel like I put too much on even when I'm assured that I don't.

Both Dee and I have taken to the Bare Esscentuals "Bare Minerals" makeup. It's slightly expensive but it covers well, doesn't feel caked on and it doesn't irritate the skin so it seems to be worth it so far. I never thought that a few short years ago that I'd be buying myself expensive makeup, funny how times change.

This weekend I finally reserved to change the last of my online personas over to Karyn so My MySpace page is officially Karyn now and not ~K~ anymore. I also added the picture I use here as my profile picture. Yesterday I shot my friend Annah a note teasing her asking what it took a girl to get her name in Annah's top 10. She gave me the top spot!! WOOT! She has been such a dear friend and a sweetheart and me for the last few years, I wish there were a lot more people like her. Being Trans has been so much easier with her encouragement and support.

Well I guess that's it for now nothing more to see here, move on, move on!!

Hope all ya'll have a great week … LOL

Aug 12, 2008

A better world for transgender children

2 years ago/ Time flies

3 years ago this month I made my first steps in this journey by walking into a gender specialists office to see what I could do to get out of the depression I had been in. Through encouragement from Annah Moore I made that appointment and I still remember not even being able to look at the therapist in the eye. It seems like ages ago and it's so nice to have that shame extinguished.

2 years ago in the first week of Sept I made my first baby steps out of my shell and revealing publicly of my GID struggle. I've decided to share and reprint that post from my original blog...


Skeletons in the closet keep me awake at night.

I'm approaching this blog with some trepidation as I am about to broach a very touchy subject with a lot of people. For the last few weeks I've sat back and watched as some friends have posted blogs that were very thought provoking and inspirational. It always amazes me these people walk the earth because those types of people are rare and by far better than the avg close minded individual.

Every so often out of the hundreds or thousands we encounter in our lives or on the internet there are always a handful of people who are diamonds and it is those jewels I am proud to consider friends. It's those people who I care enough about to be concerned of their feelings because before I've ever gotten the chance to consider theirs, they showed compassion for mine without hesitation. It is those people I look forward to saying hello too everyday and appreciating the fact that they take the time to do the same.

As I've stated 2 blogs this past week have had a profound affect on my thoughts and it is these I would like to address as they are the inspiration for this blog and for my thoughts.

Emthrax~ The Em Camp!

Specifically the posts Spaztic Sense and Close-mindedness I can't link to specific posts within Ems blog and I hope that she doesn't mind that I've linked to her and pointed these out.

Spaztic Sense~ "People are afraid, afraid to be themselves. Afraid to calm down, afraid to smile, afraid to work, afraid to relax, afraid to just play. Some people think too much, some people don't think enough.
Sure, you get wrapped up in things and your legs get tangled around the trivial things in life. Quit walking like that, you look like a goof. Oh wait, I'm the one walking like a goof! Go figure. Hahahaha!"

Close-mindedness~ This blog is a bit long to copy so I'll simply ask that if you are interested where this is going then please read it as she hits the nail on the head repeatedly ..

Next up is Annah Moore Rightsideout who has come to be a great friend of mine and I look up too immensely. Her blog specifically regarding fear and guilt is great


After reading these writings I walked away from my computer thinking pretty deeply of not only where I've been in life but where I am right now and how those things affect my thoughts and interactions throughout my days.

If you were to have a child that had a flaw in their genes would you want it corrected? If you had a child that had a birth defect would you want to have it corrected? I find it funny in life that in order to find innocence we easily find it in our children but not the people we interact with everyday of our lives. If our children are flawed we can easily look past the flaws out of love, so why can't we do this with each other.

There is no such thing as a black and white world as some would have us believe. To be different is not something to be ridiculed or frowned upon, but it is something makes the human experience rich and interesting. If we were to break what is different down into basics then why is it so tough to not be able to understand things as such as human sexuality, gender issues, race etc etc etc. It is much more simple to grasp diseases and biological disorders that we do not perceive to be a threat to our own well being. Yet everyday people become ostracized over simply being biologically different out of fear and control.

So here I sit ready to bare my soul and hope that I land on my feet and not my ass. I have a lot to lose in this but I also have a lot to gain in freeing myself the the guilt and fear that Annah's blog spoke of. It is in this freedom that tales will be told true .. Who are true friends and who aren't.

Those who care may not understand but will not ridicule me or judge me. These people can make a world of difference by educating themselves and understanding that it is ok to simply be different.

Those who decide that this subject is wrong, I am a freak for stating this or even that this subject has no place in our world, These are the close minded people that Em speaks of. It is these people that cause people like me to live in fear, shame and guilt inevitably living our lives hating ourselves for things we cannot control. These people were never my friends to begin with because it was obvious they simply didn't care enough about me to take the time to understand people that deal with things such as these. I have no place in my life for people like this ..

So here we go .. The ball is in the readers court now ..

I've spent my life living in fear, guilt and most of all self hatred over a condition known as G.I.D "Gender Identity Disorder" If you have no understanding of the disorder please click the wikipedia link I've provided and read with an open mind. Please go to Annah's site and read again with an open mind and understand that as much as some people hate it, without self acceptance first we spend a lifetime of hating ourselves over that which we cannot control.

A little over a year ago after dealing with suppressing GID over a lifetime I came face to face with my self for the first time and either had to face it or kill myself in the process. I spent a lifetime of filling my life with family, work and music (bands) It was in this I found that keeping myself busy prevented me from thinking and dealing with what I'd felt and known from my earliest childhood memories. I'd often told my wife the 2 things that do not mix well with me in my life is downtime and time to think. These downtimes caused depression for weeks on end and out of fear of dealing I had done my best to keep my life full.

In my past writings here I've mentioned having a child very young and doing everything in my power to raise her to the best of my ability. Shortly before her 19th birthday she moved from my home leaving life to be just my wife and I. This for any couple leads to a time of re-evaluation IE" What now"

For me that loss of family life meant time to think, time to loathe and time to hate myself again. Not that I ever stopped those behaviors they were there daily but purposely suppressed to whatever degree I could. Dealing with these feelings have always led me through depression and bouts of anger and rage emotions that were always very hard for me to control.. In essence going through a period of life of simply hating people and society for my condition..

When given the time to think this time my life spiraled into what could be construed as the worst depression I've ever had because of .. "What now" By July of 2005 I had gotten low enough to admit I don't believe I would have been around this life too much longer and then something happened. Annah Moore's story came to the forefront and made me realize that not only was I not the only person feeling this way, but there were people who have dealt with it in a positive manner. moved on and lived their lives in peace.

After contacting Annah it was in her words that I finally got the courage to seek help and by August I had finally gotten the first help of my life regarding this issue. I owe a lot to
Annah in her compassion and most of all her desire to help others afflicted with this because she at a minimum helped me get my life back to some degree.

If you do not understand how deeply the self hatred can go and write this off as a choice then understand this. In contacting someone who had not only been through this disorder but turned her life around one would assume that you should be able to discuss this openly without judgment. Society teaches us in a manner of self preservation how to be fearful and guilty and even talking to someone with the disorder these emotions were present.. I could not even reveal to Annah who I was and I used a fake email address.

Today I am moving on and most of all happy to be still here to write this blog. I am well aware plenty of people will judge me and probably either hate me or not bother with me anymore but at the end of the day I am tired of ceding control of my life for that of close minded people.

In closing I will state that several people close to me are aware of what I've dealt with/am dealing with and those people have still been true friends to me, it is in those people I am forever grateful. If you know me please understand nothing changes I am still the same person I am just becoming more aware of life ..Please don't treat me any differently, I value my friends.

I'm sure rumors will fly now and negative things will be said, so be it. It is better to not lie about it and be alive then to take my life and have people wonder why.

As Annah's website states

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet I, 3

I'm about to find out who my true friends are ..

Latah people


Aug 11, 2008

It's just another Manic Monday

Well here we are, off vacation and back to work. Slightly depressing to be getting up at 5am again but I'm happy to say that my week off was a restful one. We didn't do much in the way of vacation stuff, the weather wasn't great so between bursts of rain we would get out on the bikes. When we do stay at home vacations we tend to eat out almost every night and this one was no exception, in fact I'm looking forward to getting back to a more normal eating habit.

Last Wednesday was really cool. We have a local restaurant that opened late last year, it has a really wide variety on the menu but Dee and I tend to go for the bar specials. Specifically we go in for the Wed night pizza special which is a 2 topping pizza for $5.99, how do you beat that? Dee had the great idea to invite our friend Dina along. Dina her husband and I went to high school together and she is the godmother to my daughter. Since learning about my transition plans both her and her hubby have been uber supportive of me.

Wed was nice for me on several fronts, one of which was simply a girls night out. In fact there was some mention of going out once a month like that. I have to admit when dealing with friends who were couples, I get to feeling guilty for leaving the husbands behind. I have to come to the realization that we will now have differing interests or as my friend Cynthia recently put it "You're not part of the boys club anymore Karyn" If anything it was just nice to be out with the girls and feel able to talk freely.

The 2nd part that was really nice was that the people closest to me tend to not notice the changes as easily in me. They still see the features of the old me and when they here stories of me getting addressed in female pronouns they can't seem to wrap their heads around it. While Dina was with us she got to see our waitress address me as she, her and ladies, it certainly made my night to have someone else see that.

Friday Dee and I decided to take advantage of the rainy day so we went to see a movie together. (Like we're ever apart) We decided on seeing the new "Mummy" movie as we both enjoyed the first few. It wasn't a bad movie but it was no where near as good as the first couple. I think it feels to rehashed and stale at times. The action is good and some of the effects are cool.

Saturday morning I was looking at the website for Nashua Harley Davidson and noted something interesting. If you bring in your old dealer's shirts you can trade them in for 25% off a new dealers shirt. A dealer's shirt is simply a Harley shirt and on the back it usually has a dealers name incorporated into the design. This could work out awesome for me as I have an over abundance of of men's Harley dealers shirts that I thought I'd have to either donate or throw away. Now at least I'm able to replace them and get a decent discount! We stopped a the dealer to verify that this was the case and sure enough not only was it the case, the girl behind the counter did't know and she said it was time to clean her closet out!

Saturday night Dee and I took the bikes up to Manchester (Manchvegas) to have dinner with a new friend. Not long ago there was a series of articles in our local paper and Cynthia was one of the people spotlighted. Cyn and I are of similar ages, sense of humor and both dealing with the same thing although her being ahead of me in the process.

When I first read the article I thought it was cool because it showcased local people as well as the Dr's I use. I had no intention of contacting her, I don't like invading other peoples privacy but when I mistakenly came across her My space page and saw she had my Sister Annah on it as her friend so I just had to add her as a friend to my, My space page.

Cynthia and I have been emailing for several months and tried to get together in the past. We were finally able to make this happen on Sat night and we settled on meeting at a BBQ place. I'm so sorry I did't have the chance to get to know Cyn sooner, she is such a bright, charming and witty woman. She playfully refers to herself as mom and with the love and compassion you see that she has for others there is no doubt that she has totally earned that respect. She is definitely a woman I hope to spend a lot more time getting to know and sharing some laughs with.

Cynthia reads my blog faithfully to see how I am doing, offer words of encouragement or anything else that I may need. She made it a point to tell me that when she looks at me all she sees is female and that I have nothing to worry about. It was most certainly something nice to hear and I'm hoping I can take some inspiration from her now to finish my journey.

Speaking of My space and my personal page I really need to get off my butt and start changing it over to more Karyn and less Kevin. This is the last "Webpage" I have that doesn't totally reflect what has been going on with me and was designed primarily around my love of guitar.

Sunday was a down day for Dee and I. We finally got the chance to visit with my friend Bob and spend time with his new son. Like Gianna, it is amazing to me how big he has gotten already and how he's at that stage of smiling at you which is so cute. Bob and his wife look incredibly happy and they are falling into their new family role well.

Last night was the first time I've cooked in over a week so we decided to have some homemade soup in bread bowls. Cooking has always been and seems to have gotten even more of a love of mine. We decided for miss fussy pants (Dee) that I would make her a cheese and broccoli soup and for myself I did spicy chicken fiesta soup. They came out pretty awesome if I do say so myself (and I did!)

Yesterday a friend of mine was interviewed by 20/20 for a future episode. I'm not going to discuss who or why yet but I am totally proud of her for stepping forward and telling her story. If she helps just one person it will be worth it. When I am finally able I will release the info here. Until that point I spoke to her after it was done last night and she seemed to be incredibly at ease with the interview.

Lastly and probably not the best part, I could't get to sleep last night and I did't fall asleep until 1:AM or so. Add in the fact that I get up at 5 am and today is my first day back you can well imagine how I am feeling right about now. Tonight will certainly be a rest night.


Aug 4, 2008

Bikes,Trucks and Bread

I'd like to thank Lori, Sam, Veronique, Kathy and whomever else took the time to write and comment about the last blog. While I have a hard time believing that I look ok, it is always nice to hear from others that they feel I do. I'm not totally sold on spending the money on the vest yet but I am seriously considering it!! Who knows maybe that will be the next posted picture.

While emailing with my friend Cynthia today I mentioned one of the things that happened over the weekend shortly after we left the Harley Dealer. She has encouraged me to blog it and share it so here we go.

After leaving Harley on Sat, Dee and I wanted to go to get some bread and english muffins at our local outlet. We both hopped on our bikes and started heading out towards the store. At one point we were on a divided highway 3 lanes wide, in the left lane. We needed to take a left onto a through way that goes over the river into our town.

As we pulled up to the light to wait for our turn as I said we were in the left lane and I was on the left of Dee. As we sat at the light a big pickup truck pulled up next to Dee and apparently he was feeling a bit flirtatious as I heard him talk to Dee. "Nice day for a ride, You look mighty fine on those machines" he told Dee. She looked over, smiled and said thank you. She's used to this happening for obvious reasons, cute little blond on a bike.

As I sat at the light listening to this I thought to myself how I'll never get used to guys flirting with my wife, right in front of me. This was never a problem when I was "Visually male" and usually looking like what we refer to as a dirt bag when I'm on my bike. :o)

Then a funny thing happened that tore me from my thought. He chimed up a little louder for me to hear. I was talking about BOTH of you, you BOTH look fine on those machines!!

Well I must have turned the same shade of red that the stop light was because Dee looked at me and just launched herself into a fit of laughter and continued that ALL THE WAY TO THE BREAD STORE!

I guess I don't have to worry about guys flirting with my beautiful Dee as much as worrying about them flirting with me. Truth be told, I had a smile on my face for the rest of the morning!


Aug 3, 2008

Big Sister's acceptance

Apparently my sister has decided that I need a new hairstyle. She's very into photography and playing with graphics so she decided to see what I looked like in a new hairstyle. You will all have to let me know what you think

Awesome huh? I never pictured myself as a glittery girl .. I almost pee'd my pants when I saw it and I think I'm still laughing!

My sister had been wonderful to me since she found out. When I first told her she didn't understand it but wanted to be able to and she wanted to show me that no matter what that she still loved me. Shortly after she found out, I received a message from her asking to get to know her new sister. I think when I got that; I almost cried with not only relief, but the fact that she just opened her heart so easily. I'm totally hoping as time evolves that we can share a lot of moments that we have missed out on over the years.

I've added a new link under my blog roll. TransCanada is a blog from a t-sister who like me, remains committed, married and in love with her wife. Veronique is an awesome chick and I hope you'll find her blog interesting.

Tonight Dee and I are supposed to be getting our granddaughter over night. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and spending time with her. 2 days ago I got a picture by cellphone and she was standing!! It's amazing how big she has gotten and how much in love with her both Dee and I are. It's almost like watching our own daughter grow all over again ...

Yesterday Dee and I went to panera for bagels in the am and then over to our local Harley dealer to look at clothes. I used to have a leather riding vest that I had to give away because I dropped 50 pounds. I've never replaced it because of the impending transition. Yesterday I saw an awesome women's leather vest with Harley Davidson scroll on the back. I cringed when I saw the price! $130! Dee wants me to get it but honestly I have such a hard time spending that kind of money on myself. I think the only time I've ever spent big money easily was way back as a teenager when it didn't matter!

Well enough for now I guess, time to resume my "staycation". Time for a shower, off to the farm for fresh veggies and hopefully get some housework done. We are having salads tonight for dinner so maybe we'll grab some steak tips for them as well. At any rate I hope all of you are having a kick ass Sunday!


Aug 1, 2008

Learning new things

Well it's been a bit of a long week, not bad; just long! After posting the last blog about being stared at I got some really cool emails and thoughts on the subject. Funny enough when I went to my monthly counseling session Wed night the counselor came up with the same conclusion without knowing what others had stated to me. It was actually a bit eerie. What I'm about to talk about I've debated all week as to whether or not I wanted to share it. I felt it was better to share and be honest than not and not have it as part of the story.

After it was pointed out to me in email I decided to research and read a bit, low and behold I fit the description perfectly and it made so much sense. One of my dear sisters pointed out that I might be an "empath" Sure enough this was exactly what my counselor pointed out as well. The only difference was that my counselor felt that it became for a part of my life because of my upbringing. I'll explain more later.

For those who are unaware of what an empath is, he is the wiki link on it

Now I'd be the first to admit that paranormal stuff never played much of a role in my thoughts, I've never really formed an opinion. After talking to my friends and counselor I was able to relate it to a book that I'd read called "the gift of fear"

The premise of fear is that it is designed to keep us safe. In the animal world it is used everyday as a tool for survival. Just pay attention to how any animal reacts to changes in its environment. Every small vibration and sound is analyzed for potential threats and the animal reacts to protect itself. Sometimes it makes mistakes and pays the hefty price for it.

The idea that this exists in humans isn't so far fetched, we are just evolved animals. The idea in the book was that at any given time we have the ability to sense danger in our environment or space. All too often we hear a victim of violent crime say that something just didn't feel right but I went in anyway or I ignored it. This is the same reflex that animals have with the exception that animals haven't acclimated themselves to ignoring their senses, humans have. All to often we get that feeling in our gut and we suppress it and ignore it only to realize that it was a bad decision. It's simply an intuition that we have but we do not nurture.

Having empathy and being able to easily sense emotion in other people isn't much different. A change of voice, body posture, facial expression or any other change forces us to evaluate the emotion of the other person. For an empath" this ability is amplified and they sense it much easier than most. Like the "gift of fear" it is nature's gift of emotional intuition.

I've always from a very young age been a very sensitive person. Sensitive to changes in other people and my own. I can easily sense changes in an instance and at times that sense can be very emotionally exhausting for me. But it was something I'd never fully paid attention too, it was just the way I was, until someone pointed out why.

After sitting with my therapist she explained that the reason I had probably learned to tune into this sense is out of survival. As a child my mom was a very bitter emotional woman that at the drop of a hat could go from being happy to being explosively angered. A lot of times this anger would end in emotional or physical abuse of yours truly. In this negative issue I learned to pay close attention to the changes within my environment. When I was a child we would liken the change in my mom to "walking on eggshells". All to often I would try to get a vibe of what she was like before I would ever approach her to talk to her. Out of this need for self-protection I learned how to read people.

As a teenager I learned to shutdown and not deal with things when it came to my mom. She never understood quite why I'd done that and to this day it's always been on my shoulders and not of her issues.

When I met my wife I would often tell her that the gateway to the soul was through the eyes. That is to say that you could tell a lot about a persons character simply by their eyes and I was quite good at this. Over the years I've had very few true friends but a lot of acquaintances from this very issue. I just didn't trust easily and used my intuition to guide me.

As a child my mom would often tell others that she felt I was a very good judge of character but didn't understand how or why I was. I would easily make up my mind in an instant as to whether I liked or disliked a person or even trusted them. In the cases where I would tell her I didn't like someone I usually ended up being correct.

As people have read here that I have had some troubles getting out full time this was finally related as to why this is happening to me. Anne felt that being so sensitive to others feelings and the environment around me that it was emotionally stalling me. It wasn't because of how I would see or fear people reacting but because I could feel the changes around me and it scared me.

While I don't know if I can use this info to go full time it explains a lot about why I feel the way I do in a lot of situations throughout my life. If anything it is really cool to be able to put a piece of the puzzle together and just understand what makes me who I am.

Last up, it's Friday and I'm off next week. I'm looking forward to the time off to regenerate, as I've been not feeling like myself lately. I've found myself to be very irritable over the last week or so, hopefully the time off will do me good. If anything I tend to think this is coming from this last path I need to walk towards full time and letting go of the old. I've noticed that over time I've felt like I am stalled or stagnant then I see a huge emotional change in myself. Generally this change is preceded by a sudden "I've had enough time to move to the next level". I guess you could say this has been the only down side to the baby steps approach. If anything hopefully this is the start of the end …