Nov 30, 2007

Old Appearances

One of the main things about dealing with transition is the idea that we need other people to see us as our own identified gender. That is for me to be seen as female and for the most part that does tend to happen quite a bit. The second part of the equation is the ability for us to look in the mirror and physically see the person we need to see. This seems to be one of the harder parts of transition to attain as we see our changes very slowly and we don’t identify them as easily as someone who hasn’t seen you for a period of time.

For me I now walk by the mirror and I am seeing it, I am slowly finally seeing Kev disappear and I’m more comfortable with that than I was when I started. I remember a year ago looking in the mirror, getting depressed because all I could see was a guy looking back at me, not what I needed to see. It would seem in some small way I’ve made progress I guess.

I recently read a blog that made me think a bit. It certainly stood out to me because I personally had thought about this exact thing from time to time.

Back when I was in my teens and twenties I never had great self-esteem. I was outgoing, friendly and had a certain amount of charisma. I certainly had people drawn to me because of my nature. But what people were allowed to see was a shell of what I allowed out in the open. I think back and remember how I was very insecure about how I looked. I fully understand that all teens go through awkward states of being concerned about there looks. The fact is that I never considered myself to be a good-looking guy.

It’s funny to look back at now for several reasons. When I see pictures of me back then now I now realize that I was a really good looking kid. While I see a good looking kid I do see someone who was lost in their life and not feeling like they fit in properly. It’s kind of funny to think that counseling and almost 2 years of estrogen opened up my eyes enough to realize that I wasn’t the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be.

This doesn’t mean that I would change one thing about my current progress, it just means that I can see things a little more clearly for what they really were now. I really need to take that lesson and apply it to present day conditions.

Yesterday I walked by the mirror and saw Karyn plain as day looking back at me. Nothing special, jogging pants girls T-shirt and my hair down just relaxing at home. Still there it was looking me plain in the face. I didn’t see Kevin, I didn’t see a guy I finally saw Karyn without the after effect of past days or ghost images. It was a calming feeling to see it that plainly.

I look back now at those old pictures and it almost seems like someone else now. They are no longer emotions, just stories of my life. I’ll never be ashamed of who I was, it makes me who I am. I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I am going, I’ll just be the best me I can …


Nov 24, 2007

been a while

Wow, seems like there could be some cobwebs in here. I've been in a funk with my writing lately and maybe even my sharing. Sometimes I just don't play well with others. I've been focusing a lot more on playing guitar than writing and I've been enjoying every minute of it. I've been enjoying it so much that I've been logging between 3-6 hours of playing time a day.

I trust everyone had a great thanksgiving, I had a decent one. Not great, not bad, but nice. We hit the start of another holiday season which will serve to be a quite busy one emotionally as well as materialistic. This will be the first xmas with my granddaughter which should be nice. I haven't gotten to see her very much for the past month, in fact I've only seen her and my daughter on thanksgiving. It's been quite heartbreaking to be honest. Going from seeing the two of them once a week to not at all takes its toll on me and now add the holiday season into the mix and times can get tough

My 42nd birthday is fast approaching and I'm hoping this will be the last birthday that the name Kevin will be around. I am hoping that after the new year I will be able to set up a court date to officially change it. (Easier said than done) and I can set off full time on the person I am and not who I was trying to be for so long.

Living in two genders is not an easy thing and it can take an emotional toll on you. I'm sure the many women who walked this path before me can tell you the same thing. It's tough going out in public and hearing maam,she,her, ladies etc and then go to a family function who still use all male pronouns and treat you that way. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with lately and I have to admit it stings. I often wonder if anyone will ever see anything beyond Kev.

We have one more person in the family to tell about what is up and then that should be free and clear. It's been hard coordinating our schedules to his at the moment so we could make that time. It has to be done soon but I am a bit hesitant because of the holiday, I simply don't want to ruin it for him.

Dee asked me the other day what I wanted for xmas and I guess I kind of looked at her a bit perplexed, there really isn't anything I want anymore. My only response can be I don't want anything that is male anymore. If the most I can get is to wake up next to her, see my daughter and granddaughter then it is a full holiday, who would need more than that!!

I finally told my best friend of my endeavours. He had to be one of the hardest as he's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were little kids and it was a relationship I was having a hard time preparing myself for the possibility of a loss. In the end he was only worried about me and my wife. The next day in a conversation with his wife he mentioned that he was having a hard time with it and she simply asked "if you needed Kev to be there for you would he be?" The answer he had was "without a doubt no matter what yes Kev would be there" She asked him then why he should be any different and he seemed to understand that, it suddenly made sense to him.

Several weeks back I blogged about the death of a friend of mine. I am very saddened to report that he took his own life. While it breaks my heart that anyone can reach a low like that, the fact is that i do understand what that pain is like. I'm so sorry for his children and I hate that they have to live with that now. I only hope he is finally with the peace that he was seeking.

Back in Aug/Sept of 2005 in my first counseling session I was asked if I'd ever thought of or attempted suicide. I looked at my counselor and explained that I had in fact thought of it. What kept me from doing it was my fear of the unknown and I needed to take care of myself before my pain became greater than that fear. Diane often asked what I was in search of and I used to tell her "inner peace". I think this is something that people take for granted and do not understand that just getting out of bed and moving through life in a positive and happy manner is part of having that inner peace, they don't have to seek it so it isn't obvious to them. I'm glad I have the sense to seek that peace I've been missing so I can feel whole. I only wish my friend Mike had been able to find his own missing inner peace instead of being so drastic and not having fear.

Personally I'm doing well but I've been very quiet with people. I don't know that it is a bad or good thing but it certainly is part of me figuring out myself and wondering how to allow people into those vulnerabilities. I'm thankful to have people who love me and I'm ecstatic to not have the self hatred I had before. I've made a lot of progress but I still have quiet bit to overcome. When with friends that address me as she, Karyn, her you can always see a curl starting on the edge of my mouth and it will sometimes pop up into a full smile. When that happens it becomes so obvious to me that this was the right decision for me.

Most of my dark beard and lip are cleared with the exception of a few stray hairs. All that seems t be left is the gray hair on my lover chin and neck. This will have to be done conventionally and I'll need to make a consult appointment in the near future. I'll be so happy when I don't have to take a razor to anything, it's so nice not having a that scruffy rigid hair on my cheeks and lip, my face has become so soft it is incredible.

Last night Dee slid and open hand across my collarbone and down my chest, it caused her to stop and do it again. She was taken back by the changes in the skin and had to do it again to make sure she noticed it. It's amazing that even after almost 2 years my skin constantly continues to evolve into a more softer state.

I've dropped muscle mass and am probably weaker than I've ever been now. It's kind of odd at times trying to open something with a struggle and see Dee open it when I couldn't. Sometimes I just have to laugh because I'm not used to it.

When we are around the guys and they pat me on the back like they used too, I have to admit it can be a bit painful now and I never realized their strength before. It's very apparent to me now though!!

I guess that's enough for now, hopefully I can make time to write some later ..

Till then happy holidays and to all my friends I miss you all ..