Oct 8, 2009

Giving Props to Dear Abby

Last month was Dee and my 19th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been 19 years already, it just amazes me how fast time flies. We look at it with a lot of pride knowing that not many couples have that kind of longevity and yet in the bigger picture it's not really anything. Why would I discount my wedding anniversary and not really anything?

Well the best way to view it is to simply say that Diane I met in June of 1983, were dating in Nov and steady on my birthday that Dec so legitimately we have 26 years of history together. We are that rare couple that knew each other since Diane's senior year of highschool. I guess on some level you could say that I was her highschool sweetheart. How often do you ever hear of relationships lasting THAT long. Certainly something to be proud of.

On Sept 15th we received the usual anniversary card in the mail from my in-laws sending their well wishes. It was as we were backing into the driveway that I noticed the manner in which the envelope had been address. "Ms Diane Maynard and Ms K Maynard." I flashed the envelope over at Dee and it put a smile on her face.

When we got settled in after our work day that night Diane called her mom to let her know we had received the card and she made it a point to thank her for the manner in which the card had been addressed. This was the first time that I had been address in a female manner on any correspondence with her family, usually it was just K Maynard.

Her mom explained to her that she had been reading a story about wedding invitations and how a transgender family member should be addressed when sending this invitation to which Dear Abby explains that gender identification should be written to the preferred gender of the recipient. My mother in law took that letter to heart and made sure to remember that when sending our card. I can't tell you how nice of a feeling that was ….

Funny how one Dear Abby answer can make a difference in other peoples lives.

Rock on ~Karyn~

Aug 4, 2009

Giving thanks

One of the hardest things in transitioning in middle age is the direction we have to take. We set our goals to right ourselves, our bodies, our minds and our souls so that we can live in peace. A lot of us live with the idea of going stealth so we can just blend into society and not have to deal with the discrimination that the word usually seems to toss our way, lets face it being trans isn't easy.

A few weeks ago America's top model ISIS was on Larry King live to discuss transgender issues and made a statement that made me really think. She exclaimed that she didn't consider herself trans any longer but she was simply a woman. I guess that's the ultimate goal, feeling so natural and corrected that we can just be. God knows that's all I've ever wanted is to have enough peace to just be.

The bigger picture made it appear as though she was distancing herself from trans people altogether and for some that can be a bit of a sore spot. You see, when I got my wake up call after hitting the wall I had an incredible amount of support from my friend Annah Moore.

Annah had already walked the path I am walking and when I asked her why she was so open about who she was and not stealth her answer made so much sense to me. The thing about Annah is that she is so pretty that she could easily go stealth but instead chose to be open about who she was. It intrigued me and I really wanted to know why and that was when I made a promise to her. I was told that all she wanted in return for being my support was for me to pay it forward and then my own dilemma started.

Paying it forward was something she felt should be done in helping those that suffer behind us and in doing so it means not being stealth and being proud of who we are. Let's face it we fight years of shame and guilt and then have to learn no to have those feelings about ourselves. There was never a bigger person disappointed in who someone was as I was in myself. So I looked at Annah and I looked behind me and realized that I needed to be as open as possible. Help when needed if even to help one person not suffer with this. Educate when asked questions so people get the right information and realize that we are just people who are overcoming our own struggles just like any other human being and so the decision to pay it forward VS being stealth hit me.

When I initially started to transition my intention was to go stealth and maybe even move somewhere where no one knew my history. Give up my job, give up my old friends so that I could simply be myself without fear of being ostracized and hurt by the people I loved and cared about. When it came down to it, I realized that I appreciate every person who touched my life over the years so much that I simply couldn't walk away.

When I started transition I couldn't even utter the word transsexual let alone admit that I was one. Heck I not only hid it well, not one of my friends for the last 40 years had even figured it out. To put myself out there meant overriding some of my worst possible fears and being open and honest about not only whom I was, but most of all being proud to be me.

When I joined facebook I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would connect with so many of my old friends, but one by one they have slowly come out of the wood work. From my younger years growing up in Lawrence to the people that I hung around with as a teenager, the people I went to high school with to the people I've worked with. They all started coming out of the woodwork.

Some found me and some I struggled with the fear of outing myself and hoping for at the very least a decent reaction. Every one of those people touched my life and made me who I am today in some sense. If it wasn't for the friendship and love of every individual person that crossed my path, I not only wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be alive today. Every one of those people helped make a tough life bearable in some small way. Simply put they made a difference in me.

If you're reading this because you were sent the link, then this was written for you to simply say thank you. Thank you for accepting me for who I was then and who I am now. If it weren't for every one of your moments with me I would have never been able to be me. I would have never been able to appreciate a life that viewed by many should have been a gift. For me it was a hell.

I admit, I've been luckier than most who have transitioned, I've lost not one person that I'm aware of. I guess that speaks volumes for not only the choices I've made in people, but the fact that every one of those people are quality people, people whom you are lucky to have in your life. People who simply care about their friends and the people around them.

I have a lot of fond memories of those people and I am thankful every day of my life for each one of them …

Thanks all ..


Jul 15, 2009

Is it really so bad?

I haven't blogged in a while as I haven't really had the inspiration. I've been putting more effort into me, my guitar playing, teaching, my family, my Harley and numerous other things. For the most part, life is good.

Yesterday on WCVB.com in reference to an anti discrimination bill being debated for gender identity some comments by a reader were made within the comment section of the article. While I support free speech and I believe that it is one of the things that makes being American so great, I have to sometime wonder the mentality of people who write such comments.

All these freaks should not be allowed the same rights as everyone else. They see fit to change what the Creator gave them....so the rights provided them in the Constitution and granted from the Creator are null and void. And for all you libs out there.....I find it so amusing that when someone disagrees with you, you call them ignorant ...look in the mirror kids.

Crazy huh? I have no constitutional rights because I violated "gods" laws. I wasn't aware that's how it worked.

Well it got me to thinking about how we live our lives and how it relates to how others live their lives. Why does it really matter? One of the golden rules when we step out in public is how does our actions and decisions affect other people in society on a daily basis? Does it totally infringe on another human beings right to exist? Their safety? Their ability to earn a living?

Take for instance the right to smoke vs the right to be smoke free. At what point does a smokers right infringe on that of another human being. Should another person be forced to inhale the same carcinogen that the smoker is just because it is the smokers right to poison himself? Obviously the answer is no, he doesn't have the right to harm someone else, only himself if he so chooses.

So how does correcting Gender Identity issues infringe on another human beings rights to exist in public? Does it create a safety issue? Of course it doesn't. Does it infringe on their right to earn a living? Again, of course not. Does it affect them in the least? No! In fact, in most instances people would have a clue as to what is in my pants unless I either ran screaming stark naked down a city street or I simply told them.

Everyday I get up, go to work, earn a living, pay my taxes, purchase goods and contribute to society. Does my dollar value suddenly become with less to any business owner based on what is or is not in my pants? No, of course not.

Lastly, where does the so-called law of god stop and man made laws take over. Some people would argue that freedom of religion make certain ":moral" issues a no no. By taking this point of view whether you believe in god or not you are required to live by gods law. So much for having freedom of religion in our great country.

Look around as you walk down any given street. There are people of various genders, colors, nationalities etc. What lessens any one of those people as a human being? Why are we so judgmental of someone we know little about and don't want to take the time learning about? It seems the easiest way to forget about our won problems is to cast judgment on someone else and suddenly the world is righted.

Year ago I worked with a guy who wasn't having a good day unless he was literally making you miserable. I guess it goes to show misery loves company. While at the time the misery he was creating for me probably ruined my day I now look back on it with pity for that person having to be so negative.

Jun 12, 2009

May 26, 2009

Revisiting past people

Sometimes it is funny how things can go full circle in your life without ever having any expectation of it happening. Recently I had something happen that turned out to be a nice surprise. I had been on the fence over sharing this but the other person involved felt that it was part of the story and should be told. My concern was more for her privacy than anything. But here it is.

Back when I was 13 years old my mom and grandmother made the decision that the inner city was no longer a good place to bring up a kid, especially a young teenager. They wanted to get out of living on a street and move from Lawrence, a city of about 70,000 to the next town over Methuen and town of about 30,000. Part of the motivation behind this was the fact my mom didn't want me going to Lawrence High School. There were no worries on my part, I had no intention on attending that school as I was in process of taking entrance exams to our regional vocational school. Back in that day you needed to be of a certain skill set to attend the "Voke' as we so loving call it. Not that we needed to be any more intelligent. In fact to this day we all joke that we are vokies so not much can be expected of us. Anytime we say or do something stupid it's very easy to blame it on being a vokie. People who went to regular high schools often view people at the Voke as people who couldn't make it in college. The reality was that because your weeks were split between academics and shop studies we had to work twice as hard. We still had to meet state requirements with 1/2 the class time to do it in.

We actually moved from Lawrence to Methuen in April of 1978 leaving me with only a month or so to complete the 8th grade at the Oliver in Lawrence so I could go onto high school. This would mean walking from Methuen to the school in downtown Lawrence, a 2-3 mile walk. In those days we actually felt safe enough to let kids of that age go that distance on their own ..LOL. Back then it wasn't without its fears. Walking through areas that I was used too was a little scary but none the less it was only for a short time.

The home my mom purchased in Methuen was a townhouse that was in a complex of 4 buildings, each build holding 4 units. Out of the 16 units only 1 of them had any kids my age, as it would turn out the boy "J" would have a lot of similar interests as me and we would eventually become good friends. Just down the street was an entire neighborhood of duplexes that held a plethora of children of every age imaginable. My days living in the area would turn out yielding some really good friendships.

"J" was a good kid and seemed to be fairly intelligent. We were both into Heavy Metal music and specifically both heavily into the band Kiss. In fact one Halloween J, his little sister Cher and I all went out dressed as members of Kiss for Halloween. Something I had long forgotten until I was reminded of it recently. J's little sister Cher was about 2 years younger than we were so when I first moved in I hadn't paid her much mind other than her being my friends pain in the butt little sister (Not my words, J's words LOL). Over the course of the next several years of hanging out with J and Cher we all got older, grew and tastes would change. Something I had never expected was a sudden attraction between Cher and myself and it was something that just kind of happened.

I spent the better part of a year being enamored by the cute little brunette who would play chicken with me (Inside joke) but then when I was more set in high school things just seemed to change. To this day I've never forgotten my first girlfriend and most of all I still hold some fond memories of her. I also remember a few of the more painful ones and readily admit that in not dealing with my GID there were times I'd done or said things that I'm not proud of. In fact after bumping into her about 10 years ago I even apologized for the way I treated her back then, I've never totally forgotten that. I tended to be a bit of a womanizer in my earlier days in an attempt to prove my manhood and hide my GID.

Recently while searching my old high school on facebook I came across "Cher's" profile. I sat back in my seat wondering if it would be wise to friend request her. Being friends with her and then her being my first girlfriend certainly played against each other to some degree. I had to ask my friend Kristi how she would feel if she suddenly found out that an ex boyfriend was now an ex girlfriend and then I went out on a limb and sent the message hoping for the best. "Cher" recognized me almost right away and answered me which was awesome and over the last week we have had the chance to talk quite a bit of old times as well as current events in our lives. I was very happy to hear she was in a good place and she seems happy. I'm more thrilled that I have another old friend who is very accepting of my changes. I'm not sure how shocking it was to her but she was very gracious about it. I'm not totally sure what it must be like for her having a friendship with someone who is familiar but different at the same time, but to say she has been anything short of open and accepting is an under statement. In fact, it's really nice having another person that I share a past with say, it doesn't matter; I like you for you!

About 10 years ago I had the pleasure of spending some time with "J". Turned out after I moved away he decided to pick up the guitar. I only wish he had decided to do that when he was younger and could have been more involved with some of the band stuff I was doing. It might have steered his life into a better path than the one he had chosen. If anything, he seemed to be doing well and spent a few days jamming with me and trying to learn a few things that I could share with him. Cher said he is doing well, still playing after all this time. I hope that when he hears about his friend that he'll be open to it but if not I can't change how he feels. It would be nice to see him again and maybe play a bit. If anything I'm just happy he's doing well …

Anyway, if you're reading this Cher thank you for not only being accepting, but doing so in a new way that makes me feel like I have a new/old friendship again ..you're awesome!


May 6, 2009

Quick update

Been a while since I've had much to say. Every time I think it is time to get back on the horse and start writing I just don't have it in me. That and I never think I have much to share anymore I guess. At any rate I've cut way back on web stuff lately and really only visit facebook to see what my friends are doing. So let's see what I can dig up that is new.

HB 415 The anti discrimination gender identity bill.

The bill made it all the way to the senate and then got dropped in a 24-0 vote. Sadly this was because of the scare tactics of the conservative right painting all us trans people as perverted pedophiles. Scaring women into thinking that all of a sudden their will be men in their bathrooms. I guess ignorance is bliss but I'll state the obvious anyway. Sorry peeps I'm not a dude, never have been, never will be and ya know what else? We are already in the proper bathrooms! We just blend in like we should. We are there to pee, not have sex .. Sheesh!

Sad that a bill meant to prevent people from being discriminated against was dropped over that

Same Sex marriage

This bill passed the house, got a recommendation to be killed in the senate, Got rewritten in the senate, passed and is headed back to the house for a new vote. It is expected to pass today. The only thing up in the air is whether Gov Lynch signs it. He's already said he defines marriage as one-woman, one-man.

As most people know I have stated that I am a registered republican. The only time I've ever voted differently was back in the Clinton years I went with an independent. I tend to be fiscally conservative and liberally social. Given some of the mud slinging and name that the Trans people have been subject too by the Republican Party in NH, I think I'm almost ready to jump ship. We'll see.

Personal notes.

Dee and I learned at Easter that our 2nd grandchild is on the way. We are both extremely excited about this. GG is growing fast and starting to talk. We are both hooked on her deeply and it kills us not to be able to see her more. As of right now it is looking like GC #2 will be born in the same month of my birth, December

I've been busy making new friends lately and I'm finding that good cross-sections of people are very understanding and accepting. I'm slowly getting to the point of feeling that I don't need to share my status with everyone anymore and that I can just live as Karyn. The nicest part is that I've gained some really nice friendships with women and I'm feeling for the first time that I fit in.. Totally awesome.

One of these people is a singer that I'm starting to teach some guitar too. We may also do some writing and performing together in the future. We'll see where it leads but at this point I'm just happy to be playing more again. It will be even nicer to get back onstage.

I've gone a little wild with my hair and added some blond patches. I actually added them a few months ago but they were very subtle. Now they are VERY blond and it is kind of funky looking. I notice a lot more people looking twice at me now.

I FINALLY got off my butt and replaced my Harley Denim riding jacket. I say finally because it was literally one of the last male pieces of clothing I was clinging too. Sorry, I just loved that jacket because it was a 100th anniversary jacket and my bike is a 100th Ann Harley. I will say that I got a cute jacket with a mandarin collar that I love. It has a nice feminine logo on the back of it and is slightly fitted.

Gawd I wish someone had told me how expensive it would be changing these things over.

Now I need to replace my leather and my vest to something more appropriate.

Not much more has changed with me physically. The chest has made it to a 38B size and it may still be filling out. I do know that when I wear a pushup bra I get some decent cleavage, something I'd never expected due to my age. My skin has continued to remain softened and a bit dryer than it used to be. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I don't seem to sweat nearly as much as I used too.

Emotionally I have leveled out a great deal since a few years ago. I don't have the shifts in emotions that I had early on. Now I'm just feeling more calmed and at peace with life which is one of the greatest gifts I've gotten in this.

Overall things are moving forward and I'm awesome. I'm closing in on the 1st anniversary of my name change, which to me is amazing. It's so hard to believe that much time has passed by.


Apr 20, 2009

HB 415

This week will prove to be a rather big week politically for the state of NH. Just a few short weeks ago the NH House of Representatives took up several controversial bills regarding things such as the use of medical marijuana, repeal of the death penalty, same sex marriage and of course an anti discrimination bill to add gender identity to the states protections.

The first time HB 415 came to vote was towards the end of a long days session where a great deal of legislators had left for the day. The bill had been defeated by a 15 vote margin. I can tell you it was an emotionally crushing day. Several of the people involved are people I know personally that put their best efforts forward in getting the bill passed only to be defeated.

A few short days later a motion to reconsider the bill was brought back due to the lack of representation during the initial vote. The conservative side of the measure did everything they could to either delay or change the direction of the bill watering down its effect. At the end of the session HB 415 passed by one vote and my faith in the NH political system was again being restored.

Like most other states and municipalities who have past similar measures, the same cut throat lying techniques have been applied here in NH drawing attention from what the bills true intent is making it about whether as a trans person I should have access to a bathroom of all things.

How absurd it must be to assume that by protecting someone in transition that somehow a predator would use the law as a means to legally attack someone in a bathroom. Let's face it people anyone with an IQ above 10 can figure out that if they are going to break the law, they are going to do so no matter what. Instead it is easier to dehumanize people like me and make us so out of touch with reality that the "normal" people need to be protected from us.

It's easy to see in my everyday life that I do not belong in a men's restroom and quite honestly I am extremely uncomfortable by even the thought of having to do so. I have NEVER been comfortable with it. I've seen the argument that children should be exposed to "a man in a dress" in the ladies room and one conservative legislator even had the nerve in an email to a trans constituent to label it the "Corporal Klinger bill". For once I wish people would cast aside insane sensationalism and think logically.

You can be concerned about coming face to face with a man in dress all you want but chances are, you've already passed a trans person in your lives. Can you possibly imagine how confusing it could be to see a trans man in the womans room? People are so naïve that they treat our transitions as though we all stand out like a sore thumb which the reality is quite the opposite.

What would happen to a transsexual woman entering a public mens room dressed well with makeup on? Would she be put in danger? Would children in that restroom somehow be LESS confused by that?

Lets call a spade a spade here and state the obvious. If you are a man, you belong in the mens room. If you are a trans man you belong in the mensroom, if you are a trans woman you belong in the mens room. If you are a lesbian you belong in the mens room. If you are a butch looking female, yup ..yoo too shouldn't be I the womans rooom. How freaken stupid does all this sound? All for a bill designed at preventing people from losing their jobs? It is amazing what sensationalism will not only be applied too but the level of people that are so weak minded to actually THINK it has merit.

This Thursday HB 415 comes up before the NH senate for public hearing. I have already emailed all our senators requesting their support for this bill but again I am worried that even educated people will be swayed by the sensationalism of a few bigots. Human rights should never be put of for public opinion or vote. The right of a majority to suppress a minority is nothing more than tyranny in its most basic form.

These past few weeks I have been active on message boards across the state I've been called some of the most vile things by ignorant people and had to keep a positive attitude in the process. It hasn't been easy by I'm hoping that in the end this bill will prevail.

Here's moving towards Thursday!

Apr 15, 2009

Off to the eye Dr

I've been poked and prodded to share the following story and experience on my blog by my friend Cynthia. So, this is for her ..

In transition going into RLT "Real life test" one of the requirements is to change all your documentation into a gender appropriate name. This means going to the court and legally obtaining a name in your target gender, filing it with the DMV for a new license, SS for Govt issues, your financial and so forth. As thorough as one can be even after almost a year the old name still creeps up in areas that haven't been changed. In my case this past month it has been my eye Dr.

Every instance where I have had to change my name for an appointment the office had been notified of the change and noted my account. If they needed addition documentation they would usually say that they noted the account and just bring the new insurance card in at the next appointment. For instance when my dentist was notified they simply asked that I being in my new insurance card and that they had changed my account. They even used my new name 3 days before when they called to verify my appointment all without seeing my new card. I cannot stress how nice it is to not only have it go so smooth but have them call you and say .. Hi, Karyn has an appointment on!

Recently after my wife telling me that she wanted to go to contacts and looking into exactly what our insurance covered I decided it was time to go see the eye Dr as it had been about 3 years since my last appointment. I've never needed glasses but I've noticed in the last year or two that small print is becoming a bit tougher for me to focus on.

In other words .. it's time!

Now for the sake of the story I carry 3 separate types of insurance by different companies. Heath, Vision and Dental ..

When the call was made for the appointment it was realized that my name was never changed with the eye Dr's so Dee explained to them there had been a name change. Having done this with various other Dr's and services she has become accustomed to the old "We'll note the account" answer, but today she wouldn't hear that, instead she heard "Sorry we wont do that until you come in and provide your blue cross cards.


We have been going there long enough for the office to realize that we don't use blue cross for eye insurance, we use VSP! Under the terms of my eye insurance they need to verify make sure we have coverage for services provided and they have been doing this for years. This time they wanted my BCBS cards in ADDITION to my vision care cards.

When I asked Dee if she ever provided them before she said no, they never asked or needed them, so why all of a sudden am I being told they need them? They have no right to demand anything other than my ID and vision care of even the court order and I've refused to give them the cards.

The Friday before my appointment there was a call from the office to my home answering machine asking Kevin to please call back immediately upon receipt of this message.

Ok a couple of things to note ..

1) There is no Kevin that lives at my home or at that number. (unless the people asking had not been previously notified)
2) I was well aware when they tried to pre approve my VSP that they would get denied, after all they refused to use the name of the provider instead opting for my old name which has been changed on all insurance.
3) I wasn't calling them back! Enough is enough

I can only feel like this office had been less than accepting of my change. How hard was it to note the account that I would bring in a court order or whatever. So I set out to find a new eye Dr and succeeded in finding a really nice one.

When I got to the nee office I was handed a medical form, which I proceeded to fill out, and at the very top was the box M-F? When I looked at Dee and pointed it out she told me to just put F. Now normally I have no issue doing this but I am always confused in any health situation because you need to disclose medical status and medications, so I simply left it blank.

The Dr came out, asked for me and introduced herself to both Diane and I. She then took me into the exam room and proceeded to go over my medical history. Like most transsexuals I always face the dilemma of "to tell or not tell" but given the fact that I'm on HRT I felt it best to reveal. When she hit the medications listing I explained to her that I was TG and she looked at me with a stunned look on her face, jaw slightly open.

Dr- You mean you're um, you used to be a man and now you're a woman?
Me-Yup, that's exactly what it means with a grin on my face.
Dr- Um, wow I would have never guessed!!

When I explained that it can be tough because not everyone is accepting of it she seemed to be very compassionate to what we have deal with. She had also explained to me she had known one other but that person was a lot more obvious because they still had a lot of male characteristics in the face and proceeded to be wowed that I wasn't as obvious.

Normally because of my work I don't wear makeup, I don't wear anything extremely girlie. It's girl's jeans, girls T-shirt and usually my hair in a ponytail until I'm away from the machinery. So I guess to some degree I look tomboyish.

As she was getting ready to start the exam she put her hand on my arm and asked ":Do you mind if I'm totally honest with you?" I'm a very open and honest person so of course I said yes. She then reveals that when we walked in that she assumed Dee and I were a lesbian couple and that.. At that point I smiled and stopped her to finish her sentence. You thought I was the butch and she was the fem and she giggled and said yeah! .

All in all I found this Dr to be very open warm and accepting, someone I intend to use for my eyes for years to come. It's nice to find people like this in a world that constantly looks down on our plight!

Oh yeah, and now I need reading glasses, dammit I'm getting old!


Mar 24, 2009


Lori D had written an interesting good blog regard personal validation recently that made me sit and think a bit. Like most I've certainly had my share of aha moments concerning this very subject and let's face it, being validated makes us feel like we have certainly arrived at our destination. It can set our minds at ease about whether or not we can successfully transition. But what does it really mean in the bigger picture? We are validated internally by our feelings and technically that's all we really need. At the end of the very long day we all simply want to be accepted though and in this we seek our validation.

There are 2 ways we find validation.

1) We work to be stealth and move about our day in our target gender without anyone ever guessing our pasts.
2) We allow people into our world and find acceptance as who we are.

Every time my wife and I got out for a drink, out for a dinner or out to a store and someone identifies me as female in the course of our interactions you can see a look of pleasure appear over my face. I exhale as though finding acceptance is like being relieved of the pressures of not feeling right for so long. Kind of like the pressure cooker was built up beyond it's recommended bursting point. What I've come to realize within the broader scope of things is that I feel much more satisfaction in someone "knowing" my past and truly accepting me as Karyn. To me, this shows the purity in the heart that I've often wondered was missing from the human race.

In countless instances that someone didn't know my story or someone who knew "Kev" but hadn't seen him in a long time find out, have a great reaction to the change and yet still accept me for what is in my heart. That in my opinion is the sincerest form of acceptance. It at times has lent itself to being some of the most humorous and memorable interactions I've had.

Walk down the street at any given time as a transsexual and you feel like the whole world is staring at you, so we really embrace those times we realize that stealth simply gives us the anonymity that we need. But in any given room of people we will always be guarded over our crazy little secret as though it is a juicy tidbit just lying in wait to be used against us.

We feel this way because in these circumstance we have no way to judge what may be in any given individuals heart. Someone who was nice to you 5 minutes before could suddenly look down at you because they have learned something that they don't understand or simply don't agree with. What a shame isn't it? Validation is great in any form but it is those that accept us knowing that all our flaws make us who we are, those are the people that are worth recognizing and to me that is the best form of validation.

Feb 24, 2009

Little surprises make the world go round.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to share this until just now. I've been mulling around being selfish and keeping it to myself or sharing it. The thing is that as selfish as I want to be, this was such a loving gesture that I really need to share it and give thanks.

I went to the mailbox recently and in there was a letter addressed tome from my sister. It was in a card envelope so my first reaction was that it was an invitation to a family event, I certainly wasn't prepared for the contents and it touched me very deeply when I opened it and read it.

Inside the envelope was the following poem~

It's good it's bad- it's happy it's sad
It's often misunderstood
It's love, it's war it's so much more-
This thing called sisterhood

Serene Sensational
Incredible Inspirational
Superb Sincere
True Throughout the year!!
Educated Exceptional
Radiant Respectable
Simply Sisters both dear!!

We're cried on we're relied on,
We're sisters until the end.
We hear, we share-we dare to care,
We're family and we're friends

Love Tammy

When I read it I was taken back. When in the middle of transition my sister and I reconnected I had such a hard time with whether I should tell her about her little brother's secret. I've labored because Tammy and I have always been close and it was something I had been afraid to damage. I know it wasn't easy for her to understand when I told her. I was expecting the worst like most trans people do. But I was pleasantly amazed when she told me that it would take sometime for her to get used to it and try to understand it.

As time and questions would flow she would start referring to me as her sister in emails. She never wanted to burden me with her bad days, only if to make sure I was ok in my new life. She's never asked anything of me and always made sure to be there if I needed to talk. I cannot and would not ever ask for a better sister than my sister Tammy. From the time we were young till now she has always been dear in my heart. In fact, she was there for the birth of my daughter.

You can understand how a letter like this can hit you. It's a warm feeling not only being loved but accepted and included such as this. This is one of those gestures that is not only moving but is significant enough to be framed and put on my wall to remind me that I have a beautiful, loving sister who will always be there for me.

Tammy, I thank you for this gift from the bottom of my heart and I love you dearly …
Your Sis Karyn XOXO

Feb 19, 2009

Taking a look around, re-evaluation

I guess you could say I've been on a bit of a sabbatical recently, a self imposed one at that. I kind of felt like it was time for a reevaluation after some minor things got into my head. For some it would simply meaning turning the corner and moving on to the next phases of my life and for others it would be assumed that I'm distancing myself. I can assure that isn't the case.

After some soul searching recently I realized that beyond the economy, layoffs, etc that there was something else gnawing at my soul. I've been wearing the "trans" sign a little too much and not learning to just be Karyn. This became apparent to me several weeks ago after a minor difference in point of view with a friend and some talking with another one to get things into perspective. For trans people, I am simply one of them and should be proud of who I am, no doubt I am but I'm learning that I'm not proud because I'm part of a community like that; I'm proud because I'm a good person and people like me for who I am, not what I'm defined as.

Over the last 3 years there had been a blurring of lines for me Male/Female/Transgender and I was allowing the final part to not only identify me, it was creating havoc with me emotionally. I had lost the feeling of being female for a movement or to break it down, I lost my own unique identity in lieu of being unified under a label.

In doing this, my fear every time I stepped out of the house was that someone would "figure" me out or guess my secret. The reality is that I needed to step out of the house just being Karyn. To some degree I had started to step backward. I've since learned that I need to focus more on the things I have in common with the people in my life and less on the things that label what I'm going through. That's the key, what I'm going through, not who I am. Lately since this has sunk in I am getting back to that sense of peace that I had felt like I was starting to lose again. As a whole, I'll have more conversations about things like music, clothes, guitars, makeup, shoes etc and a lot less about being "trans"

One of the things that have been irking Diane and I is the idea that I need to thank my lucky stars I have her because most women wouldn't stay. To some degree I understand this point of view but honestly, I'm not as lucky as people think. It's sad that people need to put boundaries on things like love. Isn't it possible that not only am I lucky to be loved by Diane but she by me? Don't I bring a lot to the table that makes her want to be with me? At what point did our relationship become so one sided that I needed to be "grateful" that she didn't dump me. Honestly, the more we hear this comment, the more insulted we are becoming by it. For the 2 of us, love is love and it isn't defined by what's between our legs. Sex is great but lets face it, it's a fraction of our lives together and I've not gotten a lobotomy people, smarten up, it is insulting to infer that she is in love with my penis, no wonder lesbians actually "get it" …

Things at work and with friends personally have been going well but I am starting to get frustrated with people not making the change over. There have been a few instances these past few weeks that really stick out.

A friend of mine here keeps calling me "Kev" and "he, him" etc. I am trying to be patient with him because he's just getting up to speed and he says he supports me but here's the kicker. When it comes time to make a joke "He'll put his hand up in the air over something I've said and say ..sheesh, women" . Why is it he can get the pronouns correct in jest?

Out to dinner with friends recently (Who are supportive) my friends wife referred to me as "He" several times. I could see Diane cringe when it happened. Right after she had done this, the waitress came over to take our orders and when she turned to Diane and I she simply asked "And what can I get you ladies"

YES! Vindication! Hopefully she picked up on it!

This week I had a hair appointment for a haircut, root touch up and I finally loosened up a bit to have a little fun. I needed to get some of the old "rock and roll" me back so I had a few blond patches added in my hair. I'm thinking it looks pretty cool and matches a little more of what my personality was like before I started transition.
In the local news recently a few big issues have come up that are noteworthy

Massachusetts has loosened up its policy on driver's licenses and now you can have your gender marker changed to reflect your gender identity provided you have proper documentation that you are being treated for GID. Kind of makes me wish I were living back in Mass now for just that privilege.

Mass and NH are now in process of debating and trying to get Gender Identity protections against discrimination. I was asked to speak at the NH statehouse in regards to this but I couldn't take the time off from work right now. I did however hear that the bill had no opposition in attendance! Woot, maybe we are finally going to be on equal footing!

Other than those life just kind of sails along and I'm just trying to be. The next thing I'm hoping for is the end of winter and the demise of snow .. just sayin ..

Hope you're well


Feb 16, 2009

Feb 4, 2009

Feb 4

Happy birthday to my darling Dee! I grow to love you more with each
passing day!

Xoxo your Karyn

Jan 28, 2009

Sunday Mon Tues home

Waking up Sunday morning was going to be a mixed bag for me. On one hand I was going to spend time with my little brother who I missed dearly (I hadn't seen him in 4 years) and the flip side was leaving friends I really adore for another extended amount of time. Normally we only see each other once a year unless we work something else in. Luckily I talk to Kristi everyday but sometimes it would be nice to have her and Todd a lot closer because she gives me the kick in the ass I need.

Diane and I got up, ate breakfast, showered and packed. We made our first stop and Brad and Sherie's room to say our goodbyes and drop off the corona's left in our fridge and then off for a few minutes with Todd and Kristi. As we were getting ready to head down to the lobby my brother Rob showed up and reality set in, it was really time to say good bye. It always seem weird to me that we live so far apart and yet we are such a part of each other that when we get the time together it's a blast.

Off to Rob's house we headed and time to not only spend time with my brother but my nieces and my sister in law. I could not ask for better family then this bunch of Maynard's. From the time I saw Rob till the time I went home he had no problem using my new name, introducing me to friends and inlaws as his sister, it was quite toughing and very refreshing.  Early on I was very worried about how my brother would take my news, it was very unfounded on my part.

Tuesday was our day to head home, kind of depressing considering we had been with good friends, awesome family and great mid 80's weather. When we landed in Manchester airport the temp was 18 degrees and the car was covered in snow in the airport parking. After getting our luggage, getting to the car, cleaning it off and heading home it was about midnight by the time we pulled down our street. What's worse was that we had 13" of snow while we were gone and nowhere to put  our car without cleaning the entrance to the driveway where the plow left a wall of snow. At that point all I could picture was the cops pulling up wanting to know why I was running a snowblower at 12:30 am!!

All in all it was a good trip with some ups and downs, but it also gave me some answers I needed. Those answers make it all good in my book even with a few rough spots …

Jan 26, 2009

Sat Jan 17th NAMM

Saturday morning started out similar to Friday with a few exceptions. Our friends came down to breakfast with us this morning and we spent quite a bit of time in the dining room just talking. It's not hard to pass time with these friends; we always seem to have a blast together. I only wish we lived closer to each other.

One of the things that realize about me emotionally regarding transition is that I need to take better care of myself. I tend to get worn out much easier and when I tire things seems to be accented in a much grander way. This was probably part of the reason that Brad and Howie's conversation hit me as it did.

Add in waking at 3am on Thursday morning after getting to bed at 1 am. Leaving for the airport at 4am, boarding a plane to N. Carolina and then another to Cali, staying up late with friends and yet still waking up at my normal 6am and well, I'm pretty worn out. Amplify it to 2 days and I'm a basket case so Saturday in the dining room makes a lot more sense to me.

As we were sitting at our table a table not far away had some other people from our group. In that group was the guitarist for a metal band called "Jack Frost" I could feel the same thing I had felt the previous day and looked directly at the table. At the point I caught the conversation Jack was being told about me and he snapped his head over with his mouth wide open in a no f'in way type of look.

Now the first thing that should enter my mind is that the only reason they "know" about me is because they know me from the group, otherwise I would not have been the topic of conversation. When my brain rationalizes thought on little sleep it tends to go to an extreme so when Dee and I got back to our room I had a breakdown and lost it. I cryed hysterically for a while and that was the nature of the post where people got incredibly concerned about me and were trying to get hold of me.

In hindsight I understand where my head was at and I know that being that run down had a huge impact on my emotions that day. My general resistance to bullshit tends to be quite low and I need to pay more attention to that in the future.

After getting dressed (A little more conservatively) we headed out to the show. Kristi gave me shit about my choice in bras again lol. Saturday I was more determined to talk to the people I needed to speak with and had some really good conversations with the crew at Jackson and charvel, drank a lot of bloody mary's and had a lot of fun.

Later in the afternoon we were hanging out when we bumped into some of the members of Gary Hoeys band. Gary is a reasonably well know guitarist who made his original mark remaking such songs as focus and linus and lucy. Gary lives not far from Diane and I and generally every time we bump into him we chat. It had gotten to the point he knew us on site and would always make it a point to talk to us. This particular encounter would be different!

As soon as we realized Gary was nearby we headed over to say hi and see how he was. He saw Dianr and came over to hug her right away and started to chat with her, when he realized I was standing there he gave me a hug but it was at this point I realized things were slightly different. Gary didn't recognize me this time. As I tried to explain that he knew me he simply wasn't figuring it out and then one of his entourage called him because he had to be at an event. When he said his good byes he leaned over to give Diane a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then proceeded to give me a hug …. And a kiss on the cheek!

Ok in one sense one could say that it was the ultimate compliment, he saw me as I needed to be seen. As a female! But not being into guys and actually living as one at one time being kissed by him was a new experience that I wasn't prepared for. Talk about having conflicting feelings. The more I've thought about it the happier I am that even someone who actually knew me simply saw me as a woman, that's the jewel in the whole thing.

Not long after Dave Navarro of the red hot chili peppers and janes addiction came walking by. He was not more than 5 feet from me so I snapped a quick picture.

After I took the picture I heard someone in the group say there's Tommy Thayer. I've never met Tommy and for those who may not know, he is the current Ace in the band Kiss. Kiss was one of my favorite bands growing up and Ace was the reason I picked up electric guitar in 1978. It had bothered me quite a bit that Tommy is wearing Ace Frehleys makeup in the band now.

As Tommy was walking by I said Hi to him in passing and he actually stopped to talk to me. I didn't try to stop him, I didn't really even try to grab his attention, it was just a simple "Hi" I have to admit that as much as I hate the idea of him wearing Ace's makeup now, He was an incredibly nice guy and very down to earth.

After the show closed on Saturday we headed over to the Sheraton for some drinks and to catch the Andy Timmons Band, Paul Gilbert Band and the reformed RacerX. All in all it was a great show and one of those shows that you can only experience by going to NAMM.

After getting out of the show it was late enough that we decided to head back to the hotel. All of us had been in some serious foot and back pain form standing for so long so we had decided to grab a cab back to the hotel and Todd flagged the cab down. I should have been aggravated by what the drive pulled but it was so comical to me I just had to laugh.

After getting in a the cab and starting toward the hotel Todd asked the cabbie why he hadn't flipped the flag on the cab for the meter. Cabby responded that it was a flat rate of $10! $8 for the ride and $2 for the tip. Todd being from Chicago was smart enough to have no part of that and asked where it was posted. "It's not posted sir, it's just a policy"

Todd kept pushing the fact with the driver and even threatened to take his hack number and turn him in for it. The driver finally said fine, no charge sir but even Todd having good moral values just wanted to not get ripped off and wanted to be treated fairly. We gave the driver $8

Up the the room, some stupid raman cup o soup and off to bed we went.

Barring the emotional bullshit it had been a good day and I'm feeling good about things. Looking back on it I'm sure due to being overtired I made a mountain out of a molehill but hey, it happens to all of us from time to time. .


Jan 25, 2009

Friday Sept 16th

As mentioned in the Thursday post we had 3 women with us that have a very strong presence at times and they will tell you how it is. One of the issues that has plagued me is the fact that I now have a chest and I have a hard time having it show when I am with people who knew me before. In those instances I tend to wear a sports bra that pushes the girls down and sure enough my friend Sherrie called me on it.

Sherrie told me that when someone was intentionally trying to swear something that is smaller and hold them down that is stands out worse giving the opposing effect. In other words Karyn, you're not fooling anyone. It's hard to let the people who knew you one way see you in a totally different way and I tend to be self conscious about that.

Friday morning when Dee and I awoke we got up and headed downstairs for the included breakfast that the hotel serves. After we were finished and started back up to the room we stopped at our friends room briefly and headed back to ours for a shower. Today I had every intention of taking Sherries' advice and wearing my normal bra.

After getting dressed and asking Dee what she thought she pointed out that I had what appeared to be a red splotch on my cheek. That meant it would be a foundation day for sure. Foundation is a funny thing with me, some days my skin look very uneven to me and others it looks fine, today was one of those day that my skin wasn't going to play nice.

After getting ready and meeting up with the others we caught the shuttle over to the convention center and decided to head right up to the Charvel/Jackson booth. The big day had arrived and I had been incredibly nervous because I wasn't sure if anyone knew about what was up with me. Last time I was at the show I was Kevin, not Karyn. One of the issues I had previously been concerned over was how I would now fit into the group in a different manner and this was to be a big part of that concern.

I spent a lot of time building friendships and working relationships with some rather well known people from Musicians all the way up to major guitar builders. For a very long time I had worried that those friendships would suffer and I'd be shunned so when we entered the booth I had the biggest butterflies I'd had in a long time.

As we entered Mike noticed Diane and immediately came over and gave her a hug. Mike is a well know luthier who has worked and built guitars for some of the most famous people in the business. I am lucky enough to have several of his guitars but more so I had been lucky enough to consider Mike a friend.

After hugging Diane and talking to her, Mike turned and went back about his business as a rep for the company and then it hit me. Mike didn't even recognize me. I'd have to say that was probably one of the hardest things for me. I can totally understand why but I spent a lot of time nurturing those relationships and now I was virtually unknown … not cool .

Todd came over and asked me if I was going to talk to the guys and I replied that I probably wouldn't because apparently nobody knew, maybe it just wasn't the place. Todd explained to me that I was going to have to do it sooner or later and sooner would be better. At that point I swallowed my nerves and decided to say Hi to Mike.

I walked over and stood about 5 or 6 feet from Mike, he looked over at me, nodded and looked away. Geez I thought, this is going to be tougher than I thought. When he looked back at me the 2nd time he had a puzzled "why are you staring at me" look on his face. At that point I finally let the words roll over my lips. "Mike, you're not getting it are you" Mike looked at me again with a puzzled look and then all of a sudden it hit him, "omg I get it" he said. "You're looking a lot different" he stated. He appeared visibly stunned but I'll give him credit, he still seemed cool about it. At least I made some progress but it still kills me that I went from being known to being unknown so easily!

After a while and some walking around, several bloody marys and such we were standing off to the side when I noticed my friend Brad talking to his buddy Howie. Being an Empath and being very good at reading lips can be a bit of a bad thing at times. It became apparent that I was the topic of conversation and it hit me pretty hard. Was I being read? Was he not happy with me being there? All different things enter your head.

I did my best to pay attention after that throughout the day to see if people were ignoring me or whatever, I noticed no other "odd" looks but on a few occasions with friends I knew I was the topic of conversation.

I guess the highlight of Friday besides spending time with my friends was getting to see the Bangles do an acoustic set for daisy rock guitars. Emotionally it had been a terribly overwhelming day for me.

The Bangles

Suzzana Hoffs (Bangles)

At one point during the show we had been all standing around talking and one of the guys in the group who I didn't know looked incredibly familiar to me but I put no mind to it, I just assumed I had seen him with my friend before.

One of the girls suddenly blurted out "Ha, he looks just like that soup nazi dude from Seinfeld" when one of the guys in our group retorted "That's because he IS the soup nazi". It WAS him and the cool thing was that it was from my favorite Seinfeld episode, I just had to get a picture so Dee stood next to him and I snapped it. He seemed like a super nice guy and he was just in our group enjoying the show! Who would have thought .. right under our noses ..LOL

Larry Thomas (AKA The Soup Nazi)


25 things about me

A friend tagged me on facebook in a "25 things about me" post that you are supposed to copy and repost. I figured I might as well share it here.

1. I have a lot of close friends but I married my best friend
2. Music is the single most influential force in my life outside of family, without it I'd be dead
3. I view a guitar and a Marshall stack as therapy
4. I have very few true friends. I am very selective about who I trust. If you are my friend you are for a reason and for life
5. My heart melts every time I see my daughter and granddaughter
6. Without change I would be miserable and without change the people around me would be miserable
7. I believe that if you set a goal you have the ability to conquer it with the proper determination, there are no excuses only results
8. I fear failure and rarely do at what I want to conquer (see #7)
9. A good day is to tell the people I care about that I love them, it is a better day when I know I am loved in return
10. As tough as it was being a parent at 19, I wouldn't change what I've gained from it for anything
11. Few people get to view the world from 2 genders, some view it as crazy but I view it as a blessing.
12. When my friends hurt I always feel like I need to be there for them as a shoulder but I have a hard time asking my friends for help when I hurt.
13. I love animals, especially our dogs. I miss my timber wolf more than anything .
14. I love opening my eyes early to see my love sleeping next to me.
15. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day
16. I love to cook and it is one of a few things that puts me at ease and makes me feel good when others enjoy it
17. I'm not as organized as a could be, something that really needs to change
18. I am a die hard Red Sox fan and can never wait for the pitchers and catchers arrive announcement
19. I love riding my Harley and am very proud that my love rides her own with me
20. I am a staunch Republican because I believe in being fiscally conservative. I am socially liberal.
21. While finally having a chest is a very natural thing for me, I wish guys understood just how over rated it really is. They are always sore and they get in the way!
22. I finally realized why I never totally understood guys. I still don't understand them but now at least I know why
23. My favorite drink is tomato juice, I am an addict
24. I love playing with make-up and clothes. I just wish I could get over the feeling that others may think I'm crazy for it. I need to learn "who cares what others think".
25. I still have a bit of a wild streak deep down, I just need to find it again and when I do I will be back.

Jan 24, 2009

Cali trip day 1

It's obviously been a while without any updates or posts here for obvious reasons. I had started writing a new response from the plane Tuesday on the way home but there simply wasn't enough room to remain comfortable enough to type. The one thing I need in any creative way is space to be comfortable or my focus just isn't where it needs to be.

As previously posted Diane and I boarded a plane for California Thursday the 15th for the NAMM show, to hang with friends and visit with my brother. I could deem the trip a success with just a few minor bumps in the road. All in all, I got to hang with my friends, talk to the managers at Charvel/Jackson about some things, see some cool equipment and shows and spend quality time with family so even with bumps I guess it's all good.

Dee and I left the house at 4am Thursday morning bound for Manchester airport about 20 minutes from our house. I have to admit having an airport so close to home is spoiling me, I'll always avoid Boston's Logan airport if I can now. This translates into about 3-4 hours of lost time by going to Boston.

One of the things that had worried me about the NH drivers license is that we are not allowed to change our gender marker before surgery. In a lot of states the criteria is the name change and hormone replacement therapy, here it is more stringent. What worries me is having to show my ID with the name Karyn and having attention brought to that god awful "M" down in the right corner because it could lead to discrimination. I am happy to say this doesn't seem to be much of an issue and I'm beginning to think that people in a position of authority do not seem to even look at that part of the ID.

This would be the first official trip taken legally as Karyn so I had no idea what to expect at each turn. I dressed conservatively as I usually tend to do so it isn't as though I draw any attention to myself anyway. From the time we checked in with the airline, through security and so forth no one ever questioned my ID or swayed from addressing me in any manner other than female. It was quite refreshing to realize it was a non-issue as far as the TSA went.

After landing in North Carolina we were directed to the gate for our connecting flight only to find out that the gate number had been changed and we were in the wrong area. Because Dee is such a poor flier and has a lot of anxiety over flying, I try to minimize our time on the ground in between connecting flights so at this point I'd been a little concerned with so little time to get to a gate that we didn't know where it had been. It turned out to be just a little bit down the walkway to the next area.

We would later find out about the crash in NY. Ironically at the time of the crash we were on the same carrier, type of plane and destination (N Caroina) I worked at keeping this from Diane because I didn't want her to be afraid to get on the plane to come home.

When we arrived in Los Angeles we proceeded over to the baggage area and waiting for us was my little brother Rob. It was so nice to be met by family and it was even nicer of him to do that knowing we were going directly to our hotel first. Rob hasn't changed since the last time I was able to see him 5 years ago, he was a sight for sore eyes and it was slightly emotional for me. This was the first time since my changes that Rob would be around me. My little brother handled it better than I could have ever imagined and has easily taken to referring to me as his sister now instead of his brother. I could ask for a better little brother.

When we arrived at the hotel we learned that our room wasn't quite ready but a few of our friends had already checked in. I had received a text telling me that the rooms were nice and that they were full suites which was cool. Of the 3 wives that made this trip every one of them have the same take no shit attitude which is something I love about these women. When it comes to who they are, what they think and what they will open their mouths over they can easily run with the guys in the group. This would come into play a lot on this particular trip starting with check in.

As we were checking in a young African American male came down to the desk demanding toilet paper. We would later find out that he was already supposed to be gone from the hotel but they were having issues getting him to check out. In a foul mouthed manner he told the desk clerk he needed toilet paper and then questioned what the "F" they thought he was supposed to use, his hand?

Diane in an attempt to add levity to the situation replied "Maybe they expect you to use leaves" This turned into a verbal confrontation between said patron and Diane with Dee refusing to back down from him. Over and over she kept telling him, "Dude just walk away" apparently she knew she wasn't . LOL It finally took the front desk clerk to threaten having the guy removed by the police. He apologized to us and explained that this guy had been causing a lot of issues and using racial overtones to perpetuate it.

For the record and probably not a bad thing is the fact that I have non detectable levels of testosterone in my system now and that means no more testosterone rages. While I will always defend Diane the old me probably would have had one of those such surges and escalated the situation to a higher level. I would have been in this guys face for sure.

After checking in and meeting up with 2 of the guys Diane wanted to head up for a long needed shower. Todd and Brad decided to head over to the show early and the girls hadn't arrived yet. At that point it sounded like the guys would go over to the show (it closes early the first day) the girls would check in and after the show the guys would come back, we would head to dinner then party at the Hilton as usual.

Diane I and Rob headed up to my room and Dee hopped into the shower. A short time later our friend Kristi showed up. I had been dying to see Kristi again since the trip to see her and Todd in Chicago. As previously mentioned Kristi was the girl on 20/20 in December and from the time of my transition news has been one of my best supporters. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend to have than Kristi. After getting our hugs out of the way, introducing her to my brother she stepped out of the room and then the 2nd knock came, Brads wife Sherie!

Sherie darted across the room and gave me an awesome hug as well and hugged Diane. It had been 6 months since we had seen Sherie as well. After some chit chat Kristi had come back and presented Diane and I with a belated Christmas present, a beautiful heart pendant that I absolutely love.

With the girls in the room the conversations started flying and my poor brother at times looked as though he was going to die. This was the first time I had been alone with all three girls without the husbands and I have to say that I felt incredibly included, I finally felt like one of the group and I felt very calm and at ease. All my worries about fitting in had been slipping out the window at that point and for the first time with other women, I finally felt like I belonged.

As time passed and gotten much later the guys hadn't returned yet and after some prodding we found out that they left us in the room and were drinking at the Hilton. ½ of me really didn't care, I was having a nice time and didn't want to let that go but we were all getting really hungry.

I'm not totally sure where all of this went astray and without getting deep into details it led to an argument between two of the girls and it led to Diane and I trying to calm things down. Unfortunately for me it was a tough situation because my friend ended up breaking down in tears with the other back in her room. My heart broke for her as we sat trying to console her. I had only wished we could have prevented the fight in the first place but I didn't feel as though my friend was wrong in the argument.

The day had been wrought with some highs and some lows, by this point being awake so long and through so much I had been pretty worn out. We ended the night with pizza delivery and went to bed.

More to come

Jan 17, 2009

just sayin

Sometimes being couragous isn't enough.
Sometmes being true is too painul
Sometimes to mend a heart it has to break
Sometimes in strength we expose weakness
Sometimes in safety we still see fear.
Sometimes walking with others still feels lonely
Sometimes reading others hurts too much.
Sometimes the hill is just too damn steep.

Some would say that being an empath is a gift to embrace and nuture. Having a gift as such opens your feelings up and makes your nerves raw. Sometimes I would just prefer not to be able to feel the negativety that oozes from the pores of some pathetic person who cannot possibly understand me or how my mind works.

It isn't a gift to walk through a room with thousands of people and be able to focus in on the negative energy directed your way from that one or two people. It's much easier to be numb and not know than it is to have a gift and let it hurt you. Being this way somedays is akin to being able to find that needle in a haystack and finding it in record time.

Today I am riddled with emotional weakness. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I miss my home, I miss my family, my feeling of security .. Somedays, I'm just too ashamed for allowing myself to feel anything less than being happy and being me...

Sometimes, I'm just sayin and hoping that someone will actually listen and hear me. Today I cannot be someone elses rock, I need someone to be mine!

Jan 9, 2009

Just an update

It has been a long time since there was a true update around here, I guess I just kind of went into a little cocoon for a while and enjoyed just being. As was pointed out to me it's time to be a little creative again and come up with something to read. (Like I'm an interesting person or something)

I look back on 2008 fondly. I set out to walk a path and yet every step I tried to forge in the sand found me putting my foot exactly where a sister before me had been. I felt as though I'd never leave my mark in the sand but the most amazing thing happened when I looked back at the tracks …

I realized that there were footprints beside mine! All of us currently that is walking this path, together. There's no need for me to leave a mark when it's done so much better by all of us. I've suddenly become more at peace with the process I guess because I realize I have friends to make that mark with me ..

Jan 08 was one of those non-committal type of months. Ok I'll go fulltime in Jan, ok maybe not. It had gotten to the point that it didn't feel like 08 was going to be my year, I just wasn't emotionally ready to make the leap. Then Feb, March, April

It hit me sometime around late April in something Annah Moore had said to me over the holidays. I asked her how I set a fulltime date and hold myself accountable to it. It seemed like I could set the date but just continued to get cold feet in the process. Annah's Answer was awesome.

Apply for your name change!

OMG that was perfect! If I got a court date it was either do it or I probably never wood and I proceeded to do just that. Karyn became official in July 08 and went fulltime in November. I've been incredibly blessed with supportive family and friends. Some of which I see everyday and some I've never had the pleasure to meet face to face (Em) and I'm dying too. Without those people forging footsteps in the sand, holding my hands, I would have never found the courage to make the leap. I will never forget the emotional content that 2008 has given me.

2009 looks like it will be a quiet year for me. I say that now but it never seems to happen. The direction that I see is nothing more than just enjoying the year as myself with no major goals in mind. I'll take things as they come!

Dee and I had a crazy day last weekend that involved me dialing 911 for the police. We had stopped off to get some prescriptions at our local CVS and then walked over to the grocery store when I noticed yelling in the parking lot. A group of teens standing outside of a pickup yelling in at the driver telling him to "get the fuck outta the truck so I can kill you" stuff. Gawd I've come to hate the testosterone driven male teen mentality.

It turned into a big fight and I dialed 911. Everything was cool until the dispatcher said, ok sire may I have your name .. um, eh, yeah …

When the cops came down an interviewed Dee and I the cop said "Ok ladies" I need to take your statement." Hmm I guess that makes up for it .. (note to self 2009 goal~ work on my damn voice~) We received a phone call later that evening stating there had been 2 arrests made, thank you for getting involved and oh yeah you may be called to testify in court!! Oh yay …

I just did what I thought was right and regardless I'd do it again!

Next week is the annual music industry show in Anaheim California. I've forged some incredible friendships going to this show to the point it has turned into friends getting together to party for 4 days. Dee and I hope a plane for L.A this coming Thursday for the show and friends. While everyone knows this is the first official time that "Karyn" goes as when I last saw the others they knew the name but it wasn't legalized.

This trip has been weighing heavy on my mind as of late. I'm soo looking forward to seeing my friends, new equipment, partying with rockstars and such but there is one thins that is nagging me. Where I fit in now.

It was always easy for me before in one sense and hard in another. I learned to forge a persona to fit in with the guys, it's what we do to survive. All my friendships were driven by male freidns and I understood how I fit into the group as a whole. I understood that I had to act a certain way to "fit" in as a stereotypical male. This time I'm going back but I'm going back as me, as Karyn and I haven't quite figured out how Karyn "fits" into the group anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends, they are some f the best people you would ever want to know so it isn't that. But for me personally or mostly emotionally I have changed. I need different things out of my relationships emotionally than I did before and that is something that scares me. It makes me feel like I'm 13 again trying to see where I fit into life.

I know it'll all work out and I know my friends don't give a hoot what I'm wearing or what I look like, they love me for me. At times though it gets hard personally feeling like you are obligated to be a certain way or fit in a certain way …. We'll see how it goes ..

After NAMM I'll be going down to spend a few days with my brother. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He has a brand new daughter that I've never seen and I miss him dearly. He hasn't seen me since the news broke so well again see how that goes .. .

Now I need to decide what I'm taking with me for the trip!


Hope you're all well ..