May 30, 2007

Ever need a vacation from your Vacation?

Well I have to say Bar Harbor was a nice retreat, the weather was great and it was a relaxing time for the most part. The only down side is that I’ve come home a bit road torn and need to mend for a few days, but I’ll get to that later.

We left our house Friday morning @ 9am and set out for Bar Harbor which is about 4 ½ hours by car from where we live. Normally I would do all the driving but over the last year I’ve learned to give up control of the steering wheel and let Diane take control. It’s amazing how much of the country side I’ve missed over the years being the driver!

The ride up was pretty uneventful other than the fact that we drove with the top down almost the entire way, sometimes I think it’s the 2nd best thing to the motorcycle. We arrived at our hotel just before 3 pm and I have to admit that GPS kicks major butt as it got us right to the front door.

The hotel was nice and I wouldn’t hesitate to stay there in the future. The Bayview is a small hotel that sits right on the shore of Frenchman’s Bay and every room is facing the water. Our room was on the third floor and had a beautiful view of the bay. They offer free shuttle service into and out of town which we used several times and walked once as well as it’s about 1 mile from hotel to town.

We packed away our clothes and headed into town to decide how we wanted to spend our weekend. Bar Harbor is a nice little town and easily walked. They have tons of restaurants and little shops along the streets. The waterfront in town isn’t terribly big but it has a fantastic view of Harbor and surrounding islands. As we went down to the docks the first thing we noticed was a cruise ship docked out in the harbor. I didn’t have my camera but I was able to shoot a picture with my phone.

The ship in the picture is called the Masdaam and does several stops in Bar Harbor over the course of a week as it goes out of Montreal and Boston.

We then headed over to a restaurant called "Geddy’s" for Dinner as we were both getting pretty hungry. Diane ordered Chicken Alfredo and I ordered Scallops Scampi which we both enjoyed thoroughly. After we were finished we walked around town a bit and decided to walk back to the hotel to get rid of dinner.

Sat Morning we got up early had our breakfast at the hotel, showered and headed off to town to decide what to do. When we got into town we decided to take a ride on the Margaret Todd a Sailing Schooner that does 2 hour tours. As we headed out into the Bay they asked for volunteers to hoist the sails of the ship and Diane readily came forward. Sometimes I am amazed at how adventurous she can be. During the trip we had a park ranger pointing out things and explaining a lot about the lobster fishing in the bay.

As we sailed by one particular Island a pair of nesting bald eagles were pointed out which was an awesome sight. All in all it was a relaxing trip.

After we got back to shore we decided to take a walk along the shore path and then back into town. By the time we got back it was early afternoon, we decided to go back to Geddy’s and have a quick lunch then head back to the hotel and rest for a bit.

Once back I laid across the bed and started to doze off when Diane surprised me by stating there was a man looking into our room from next door. I really didn’t pay any mind until she said he was climbing over the wall and he knocked on our door … ON THE THIRD FLOOR!
Apparently he and his wife had checked into their room, gone out on the back deck and the door locked behind them leaving them stuck on the deck. Unfortunately for them they had used the inside bolt on the door and they needed a locksmith to let them back in. Once through my room it was lights out for me for an hour or so.

After we awoke we decided to head down to the lounge and get a drink at the lounge and we bumped into the same couple. They were in the process of getting comped drinks for their trouble and git us some comped drinks for helping them.. Gotta love free. (BTW Todd I drank several blueberry ales)

Sat night we decided to walk across the St to a steakhouse that was supposed to be pretty good. Lately I had been down as I simply didn’t seem to be passing much so I had been pretty subdued. As we went into the steakhouse we were brought into the bar area where there is a bar and tables.

As we were reading our menus I noticed directly across from me a man that appeared to be 50 or so with the nastiest look scowl on his face as he sat and stared at me. It is probably the first time in my life I have ever felt uncomfortable in a situation like that. Thank god after about 15 minutes he finished his coffee and left.

The waitress came over to get our drink orders and for the first time in a week or so called me "she" suddenly my mood lifted a bit and we proceeded to order our meals. Instead of bread they served warm pretzels which was a nice touch and Diane got to enjoy a nice glass of wine. All in all it was a great place.

Sunday with the weather being so nice we decided to do a whale watch. We had a great time and saw a lot of wildlife but I have to admit I wasn’t prepared for how cold it would get offshore… we FROZE! When we got back we headed into a seafood place so I could get some fried clams and thankfully some really good lobster bisque to warm up.

Now, for my road worn body. Saturday night my left foot gave out and for whatever reason it has been very painful to step or out pressure on. I wouldn’t let it stop me I just hobbled everywhere I went. Sunday after eating and getting back to the hotel I started to develop a rash with hives on my arms and my chin area. Assuming this might be from the sunscreen I was using I opted not to use any one the ride home Monday figuring it would get worse and it was cloudy when we left anyway. Once the sun came out I guess I don’t need to say I have a bad burn on my shoulders now. ..So as you can imagine I’ve been miserable for a few days. After thinking things over the only conclusion I can come to is that I’ve had some kind of a reaction to the shellfish I ate Sunday which I certainly hope isn’t the case because I do like certain shellfish and I don’t get to eat them too often…..

We arrived back home around 2:30 Monday and I’ve been wiped ever since. I do however have pictures I may share soon … No… none of me ;o)


May 24, 2007

Thank god for long weekends

Wow, the weather can’t get too much better. They are forecasting low 80’s today and low 90’s tomorrow. Diane and I drive up to Bar Harbor Maine tomorrow for a long weekend getaway, something we have needed for a while. Between all the changes going on in our lives, family stuff and work sometimes you just need time alone to reconnect and de-stress.

Bar Harbor is a 275 miles drive for us and given today’s gas prices I guess it means I’ll be taking a small Mortgage on the house as gas up this way is about $3.04 a gallon. It is getting ridiculous to say the least and anyone who thinks the oil companies aren’t gouging us is totally insane.

I’ll be making sure to bring the camera with me up there so hopefully I can post some pictures next week.

Yesterday was our yearly trek to the machine trade show out in Springfield Ma (Former home of Indian Motorcycles) It’s an almost 2 hour drive west of where we are now. I’ve been going to this for so many years now it is boring to me but we do get to see new technologies and prepare for out next capitol equipment purchases. If anything it’s a day of getting paid for not being at my desk!

On the way home I got a picture txt message from Diane on my phone of a box that was delivered, it was something I’d been expecting. Sully finishes up the paint on my Custom Variax. And it arrived yesterday. I must say he did a kickass job on it and it came out even better than I’d imagined it would. Now being a computer driven guitar I just have to remember how it goes back together and then I’ll post pictures of that as well …At any rate thanks Sull it is really appreciated!!

I’m off to finish my day and get ready for a long weekend! Hope yours goes well too!


May 21, 2007

Monday, Monday

Well today is certainly a stark contrast to the way this past week has been, the sun is shining bright today and it is expected to hit mid 60’s. I am feeling a bit better today as my daughter has a 2 hours conversation with me last night and she did it on her own. Hopefully it is that start of something positive.

Today is my daughters 22nd birthday. It seems like just yesterday she had been born and there were thousands of decisions to be made. It shows that not only time flies but I am getting old. (Happy Birthday Jessica!)

This week is shaping up to be a good one as Wed I have my annual trade show to attend. This is a machine and tool show in Springfield Ma. In essence it means I get to spend a whole day looking at new toys for the shop, new technologies and I get paid for it.. Can never complain about that.

Friday I have the day off as we have the upcoming long weekend (Memorial Day) We are driving to Bar Harbor Maine and staying right in a waterfront room. It has been a while since we have been able to get away and just focus on being a couple. It’s amazing how busy life gets when you don’t take enough time to smell the roses as often as you should.

Well all this means is that I only work for 3 days and today is ½ over for me. YAY!!!

Well hopefully things are on the mend and I can get back to a much healthier frame of mind and focus on my own well being again instead of worrying what the future of my family will be.


May 19, 2007

Blue weekends

As I sit here a rain is coming down outside my french doors and a pitter pattering on the deck, bouncing like the oil in a frying pan. Most times the rain is a very soothing sound for me, it's the sound of mother nature creating the cycle of life.

I'd been very down this week and have tried my best to get out of it but I am sad to say it almost feels impossible. Diane is out right now working at curves and then stopping to get her nails done and I have the TV in the background. I click furiously against my keyboard trying desperately to get my negative emotions to purge from my soul without success.

Today is the Jack and Jill baby shower for my daughter. Sadly the whole family is invited and going and Dee and I are not allowed to be a part of the events. Some days it is tough to just try and be myself without the extra baggage, but to me this latest act of cruelty has done a number on my will to go on.

Monday I confided in my wife that had she not been in my life it would have been my last day on this god forsaken planet. It's tough to admit it, but the pain my daughter and her boyfriend have imposed on me is that bad. I've been hurt from various family members through my life, mostly my mom and dad with my mom being the worst, and I never thought I could hurt as much as I do right now. My mom once made the statemtent that she hated my guts, it tore me up inside and I carried that for a long time. Today I am certain this pain feels a lot worse.

I guess I am tired of feeling I'm only loved by what I can offer over who I am. When I get like this I start feeling as though I am not here to make myself happy, but only provide happiness to others, I am truly a broken soul.

Last night Dee and I went and bought a bunch of baby clothes, a blanket and some various gifts. Kind of a strange feeling to keep giving knowing that we aren't allowed to be a part of things.

This morning I sat and typed out a letter to my daughter to go with the gifts. On the side of the gift bag is her first pair of sneakers from when she was a baby. So in closing I want to share my letter to her here.


~Walking in new shoes~

The shoes that are hanging on the side of this bag are one of your first sets that you had; you had a set of shoes and a set of sneakers. These shoes represent to us the new steps you took in your life when you were a baby 22 years ago. From the moment we set our eyes on you in the hospital we were in love and proud to be your parents.

Every step along that path brought new experiences, joys and pains to our lives, but most of all it gave our life a new meaning. We were proud at every new step like any parent would be, your first steps, your first words, first new foods, first haircut, your first day of school.

All those steps enriched our lives and showed us what having a child did to change your perception of the world around you, you suddenly aren't living for yourself, you are living because someone that you love depends on you. Most of all you do it because you feel like this is what you were meant to do.

I'd be lying if we made it sound like our lives together were all full of joy and happiness. Like any family we have had our share of ups and downs, but the one constant that remains is that we have never stopped loving the daughter that we met that morning in the hospital.

Jessica, you have been our biggest joy in life and our biggest pain as well, it is part of being a parent. We want so much for our children, to be happy, healthy and most of all have a much easier life than we did ourselves. When we started out we struggled from nothing to build a life, home and be a family, we were successful at doing that. I hope that after our torch has been handed to you that those lessons have taught you to be successful for your family.

So here on the eve of the newest steps in your life we hand you the torch (These shoes). These shoes represent our hope that your daughter will bring you as much joy as you brought us, as she makes her first steps in life

In closing please remember this advice.

As a parent there are no manuals, you will second guess every decision you make. Some days you are triumphant and some days you feel like you fail miserably. At the end of each one of those triumphs and failures you need to remember the love that got you to those decisions as that is what gives you the strength to get to tomorrows decisions.

May your daughter bless you with a rich life as you blessed us with

Forever loved from

Mom and Dad

May 16, 2007

Climbing the stairs of transition

Transition is a strange yet fun process and it not only has a lot of similarities from person to person, but it has differences as well. Similarities can come in the form of how hormones change our bodies, our minds or even our total outlook on life. Differences are usually just based on our own experiences in how we deal with them .

I stumbled across another blog last night that in so many ways seems to parallel Dee and my experiences with this metamorphosis that is is really amazing. Annie and Claire are dealing with Claire’s transition in much the same way my blog does, they are being open about it. Yet in their stories the one constant I seem to find is the same sense of intense love for each other that my lovely wife and I have. I have to admit that while the dynamics within the relationship have change we certainly have a much stronger bond with each other. Diane has often said that she prefers this depth to our old husband wife relationship in whatever form I tried to make that last in.

Annie’s blog is called "Gardens in Bloom" and it can be read here.

In the near future I will probably try and add it as a link in the side bar.

I’ve had my share of downs over the last few weeks in regards to my daughter and the way we are being treated. I told Diane last night that I am at the point of feeling like I don’t feel like going on as life seems to be clogging my proverbial arteries lately. I know I’ll get through this and I’m intently trying to find pockets of happiness to pull my sorry butt from the curb. I know this cloud will eventually float by but I can’t explain the pain I feel for giving over 22 years of my life selflessly only to be treated so poorly, it certainly leaves the soul wondering why …

On a new note and the title of the blog, climbing the stairs I had a strange but progressive night last night. My brother Rob called me to talk and noticed something wasn’t quite right about my voice and started to push to find out why. Eventually I opened up a bit and explained to him what was going on with my daughter, but then the conversation took a weird twist and I came out to him.

I shouldn’t say I was shocked by his reaction but I guess we prepare ourselves for the worst and hope for the best when throwing caution to the wind. His reaction was simply that he loved me no matter what and he would always be there for me. It’s such a nice feeling on one hand and such a jaded feeling on the other.

Rob and I are ½ brothers from my dad and sadly we grew up on opposing coasts without my dad ever telling him of my existence. In 1994 on a cross country truck drive Rob stopped by my ½ brother Roy’s house. (There’s a lot of ½ in this family) While there my brother Roy asked Rob would you like to drive up and see Kev? Rob’s reaction was Kev who and he had to meet me.

To some degree I’ve never forgiven my father for keeping my siblings from knowing me, I think it was very selfish on his part. The funny thing is out of 7 ½ siblings Rob is the only one I keep a connection with because he cares. It’s so strange having a brother 3000 miles away that cares more about you than the ½ siblings that live right down the road and in all honestly I’d consider myself an only child if it wasn’t for Rob .. I guess I don’t have to worry about the others finding out… I simply don’t care..

In the last 3 weeks this is the 3rd person or people that I’ve come out too and so far 2 of the 3 have been nothing but supportive. The 2nd (my sis in law) just hasn’t responded either way. I’m so worried I’ve done damage to that relationship and our nieces will be pulled from out lives now. I’ll feel really guilty if Diane gets hurt by this … What has amazed me so far is the amount of support and love I’ve been given so far which counters a lot of the stories I’ve read about transition from other people. Maybe I’ve actually been a good enough person for people to want to care…

Last night was certainly a very emotional night and I decided to shake things up a bit. This past weekend in our grocery trek I found some temporary hair color that gives a slight hue to whatever color hair you have. The one I chose was a plum color that I figured would pop against the brown. I just wanted to try something that 2 years ago I would have never been able to do out of fear. The nice part about it is that it’s only a temporary color so it washes out after 8-12 washes.

So as Diane played a computer game I snuck off the bathroom to dye my own hair. Now this may not sound like a big deal but I will simply say that every 6 weeks ..Diane keeps my gray away. She was pretty surprised I had done it and seemed to like the results. I think I created a monster because now she is asking me to try a different hue for our trip to Maine next week. I’d been needing some me time lately, I guess this was a good way to get some.. Needless to say, I’m proud of myself for not only trying something I never would have been able too before, but doing it totally on my own without help from my wife…

I had an hour of not thinking about anything else but me ….


May 15, 2007

Still Waiting and Newsweek

Well as with anything in life we all have our crosses to bear and our steps to take to become better at life. Yesterday one of those steps for me was emailing my sister in law and finally letting her know what was going on with me. It was one of the harder ones I’ve had to do because both Dee and I are incredibly attached to our nieces. It’s been one of the things that has been the hardest to deal with internally simply because I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt them.

It is kind of crazy when you think about it, isn’t it? Putting the well being of someone else’s children over my own in my life decisions. I know I beat things to death and I’ve even compromised my transition for fear of alienating my sister in law and her family, and people call us selfish for doing what we are doing.

I know I shouldn’t worry either way but I do. Sandra seems to be very dominant within the family and I could see her not agreeing with this and not being there for her sister, she rarely ever has in any crisis. Needless to say I am on the edge of my seat and just want to know either way, so far after 24 hours of waiting I’ve only been ignored.

In case you haven’t seen it Newsweek’s cover and several stories inside are tackling the transgender issue now. It seems to becoming more and more prevalent in the news lately. Yesterday in a conversation with my coworker I likened it to buying a new car and suddenly seeing it everywhere you go. There were some really interesting points within the article but there was one specific paragraph I wanted to touch on.

"So what's different in transgender people? Scientists don't know for certain. Though their hormone levels seem to be the same as non-trans levels, some scientists speculate that their brains react differently to the hormones, just as men's differ from women's."

Knowing what I do today which is based directly from not only my experience but also other people dealing with this is that this statement is very true. My brain function seems to have stabilized on an emotional level from being on the estrogen. My old way of dealing with things and processing information as well as emotions was very chaotic for me with a testosterone soaked brain. This was probably one of the most unexpected changes for me.

Annah Moore on her website likened it to putting the wrong fuel in your car where the car will run, albeit very poorly. Put the right fuel in and the car will suddenly run smoothly. Going from the testosterone to the estrogen has most certainly been like that for me and this is why that paragraph makes so much sense. I am a firm believer after experiencing this that my brain and testosterone are a volatile mixture.

The article is quite interesting and informative to read, unfortunately the comment section on this subject has brought out the bible loving crowd. I certainly don’t look down my nose at anyone that believes in god or has some kind of faith in a higher power. It does bother me when those people feel their Christian rights supersede my right to live in peace and continue to be a responsible citizen, or if they want to make me feel like less than a human being. It's most certainly people like this that made me so afraid to get help and feel like I was better off in a grave somewhere.

Don't get me wrong, there are truly people out there who are decent Christians who may not like what they deem as the "Sin" but they don't make you feel like you should be dead, they simply love you for who you are with your flaws. That's what the human experience is all about.

I've often read from Hard line Christians that "God simply doesn't make mistakes" and I honestly agree with them I don't believe that he/she does. I've always believed in the theory that he doesn't give you more than you can handle. So maybe gods plan for me is to follow this path I am on and maybe help others like me, or even teach one person some tolerance.

I simply cannot accept that God hates me for the way I was born, if he does then he simply isn't my god because my god is only about love

If you would like to read the article it is here


May 13, 2007

Sunday (Mother's day)

Well here I sit in the wee hours of Sunday morning, 1:30 am to be exact and I simply cannot seem to sleep. Today was a nice day as the temperature got close to 70 and now is hovering around 50 degree, there is a lone peeper singing in the distance trying to get some action. It's been a bit of a crazy weekend already and I can start explaining it by saying that i just finished drinking a warm v-8 juice.

Nooo I don't normally drink warm juice, in fact I prefer my drinks to be rather cool but my refrigerator died yesterday morning so it isn't as though I have much of a choice. After the repair man finally showed up yesterday Dee and I trekked out in search of a new fridge (Ouch) $1200 with Sunday delivery) We hit a local appliance store that I had heard was reasonably priced so I was hoping to make things as easy as possible (Chya right) Diane was pretty set in what she wanted this time around, no water, no ice but a bottom drawer freezer and she promptly found an Amana (21 sq foot) she wanted.

It was tagged at $1049 and it couldn't be delivered until Friday (Oh yay 1 week of no food in the house!) We decided to take the info down and head down the road to the sear essentials store as I had noticed they were having an appliance sale. Funny enough they had some pretty competitive prices on their refrigerators and even had the model we looked at. In a weird twist the item was mismarked from a previous sale that had ended on May 5th and because it was tagged that way he had to honor the price.

Not bad when it broke down it was mismarked at $1219 and it had an additional 10% off because of the sale which brought it down to $1097. What turned out to work in our favor was that this was the next size up at 25 cubic feet instead if 21 like the other and they could deliver it Sunday!!

All in all we spent about 1/2 hour 45 minutes setting up the buy with the guy and the whole time I naturally assumed he had me pegged as male. I wore all male clothing, my usual ball cap and my attitude I thought reflected male as I didn't want to get that "here comes another sucker attitude or helpless female who can be taken advantage of.

After we has discussed it and paid for it as he handed us the receipt he said "Thank you ladies have a nice day" and I gave Diane the old WTF look. I guess I need to get over the hill and just let it finally sink in that I am there now. I still cant fathom why as I've done nothing to alter the depth or resonance to my voice yet it happens time and time again ... until a clerk sir'ed me today!! LOL

As we were walking around sears looking at some other appliances I noted the salesman following us around the store and it kind of stuck me as a bit funny, I didn't understand why he was so talkative. As we were leaving the store it finally clicked with me!! I looked at Diane with that innocent puzzled look and asked "Was he just flirting with us?" Yep, she replied, get used to it!! (Guess he likes lesbians!! LOL)

Definitely not something I am used too and probably never will be used to as I am simply not attracted to men. As I've been made aware so many times before it certainly becomes a possibility being on the hormones as they chemically alter your brain function, but I'll use the old hypnotist theory that if you don't want too you simply cannot be hypnotized!!

So here I sit, warm V-8 in hand clacking away on a keyboard in a resting house.

With Mothers day upon us it always lends too reflection of days gone by and this year is no different. As the coming sunrise approaches it is safe to surmise my daughter has blown off my wife for Mothers day yet again. It is safe to assume this as my wife got a txt message on her phone tonight letting her know my daughter sent a card yesterday as though she needed credit for it before it ever showed up!!

As of today since she left our home she has blown off both our birthdays, anniversary, Christmas etc with absolutely no intention of making time to see either of us, so I see today as being no different. It s beyond me how this young lady can expect us to give and give yet not be there for us in the process. Not long ago I was told that she needed us to be there for her daughter when she is born. I simply cannot grasp why she acts as though we owe her but she never shows us that she even cares. It's truly time to just give up on her and live my life the way I needed to 22 years ago when Diane was pregnant.

Recently on a long walk I finally broke down and explained to Dee that i had figured out what some of the tension was between Jessica and I over the years. It was actually quite simple to figure out, i just needed to be in a clearer state of mind to be objective.

When Diane became pregnant in 1984 her mother (for good reason) had been less than enthusiastic. She hated me and wanted more for her daughter (Who could blame her). A 19 yr old musician with long hair didn't appear to be the responsible choice as a parent and certainly not at 20 as I was when Jess was actually born. What i did have going for me was a broken childhood. My own mother had been less than I needed during my growing years and my dad as non existent, all I represented to him was missing money from his SS check.

Diane's mom had successfully lobbied Diane into putting the baby up for adoption and this was all done without any regard to my parental rights. While I was young I was determined to be there for my child so she could grow up , with her family and hopefully her mom and dad loving her, something I missed as a child. By Feb of 1985 Diane and i were living together and it wasn't until the day of the birth that I finally convinced her to keep her and be a family, off went on our storybook life together.

Growing up I had several dreams and aspirations with the biggest one being me in a successful band. I knew I had enough talent, determination and most of all I loved the attention it brought. Surrounding myself with that type of environment helped me in two ways.

1) It gave me little time to think about my GID issues as I was focused on music constantly.
2) Let's face it 80's metal was severely androgynous, something that in a small way feeds into the whole GID issue like a junkie looking for his next fix.

Once my daughter was born those priorities realized or not shifted as a new life needed not only my attention but my support. This meant my needs and dreams would need to take a back seat to my daughters, no small task.

When you try to suppress things it is nothing more than a giant pressure cooker, it is bound to blow at some point and do severe damage to whomever is in contact. I know now this pressure played into my family life to some degree as they were very dark years for me and the more Jess pushed into teen life the darker those days became.

Let's face it, teenagers suck! They know it all, they expect it all and most of all they demand it without reciprocation. Jess was no different she was a typical teenage girl in those respects. She was an extremely intelligent kid who would flunk out school because she simply didn't feel like doing it. She expected to have whatever she wanted given to her and not work for any of it, something very typical of her generation that I dubbed the cellphone generation. Everything she hadn't gotten she resented us for.

there were quite a few times I was bewildered by her attitude, the time she asked for $700 to fly to Paris with her french class, one of many classes she was failing that year. Simple teen anger because she couldn't go.

A few years ago she decided to ask me "If WE sold the house how much would we get" or the time she told me I had no right buying an expensive car to make myself happy! (she was 18 at the time)

There was the time when Jess was 13 where my wife had gone through a severe medical issue and it was a very real possibility she had cervical cancer. This had been proceeded by several surgeries tests and rides into Dana Farber cancer center in Boston. After explaining to Jess that her mother needed her support more than ever. I asked her not to fight with her mom, be rude and help her out as she needed to be able to fight whatever it was that was wrong. Jess made her life a living hell during that period. She got worse and it was during this time the pressure had finally gotten me to the point of saying what I regret to this day.

In a fit of anger, frustration and a lapse of good parental judgement I snapped and told my daughter that she was making it hard for me to not feel like I made the wrong decision when she was born.

I know it was wrong at the time, it was cruel, it was most certainly the worst stab in the heart I could have given her but looking back on it today I now understand WHY I said it.

I've spent my life of not being selfish and always putting others ahead of my own well being, it is something that seems to be a product of G.I.D, we are simply known as people pleasers. It's how we learn in our gender roles to gain acceptance and love from others. It's a way to mask who we are deep in our core.

It was tough to see it all at the times it all happened, I simply couldn't be objective, but during that walk with Diane that day it finally all made sense to me. To some degree I resented my daughter.

Every nasty look, every hurtful word, every failing grade and every selfish thing she had done was resented by me because I wasn't able to be selfish myself. I wasn't able to chase my dreams, I wasn't able to get my head on straight and deal with my GID, I wasn't able to be .... "myself" because someone else depended on me being something to them. I looked back over my life in the courses of those tough times and simply thought that I gave whatever I could only to be treated so badly then why wasn't I just selfish when I was 19/20 ... RESENT

I have apologised profusely to her for that day, it was weakness on my part. I know we all go through it and none of us are ever perfect but as a parent it is those bad lapses in judgement that seem to get seared into our memories. I can't live for those days any longer I can only live for today.

Looking back over the years I know that I was a good parent, I loved my daughter with all my heart. I never missed a school play or function, I provided as best as I could and I enjoyed her growing years when she acted like the little girl who really cared. I was there for everything even when there were times that my own well being was at stake. I'm not a bad parent, I'm just human...

These days I am learning to be slightly selfish, I know I need to be for my own well being as it comes with the territory of GID. It means things like taking me time when needed even if other issues arise. Being me instead of the facade people are expecting to see. Not giving too much of myself when I don't have it to give. Learning to not care if people dislike me for not being in a social box. Not feeling bad for liking things my brain tells me I should be able to enjoy when others might have very strict gender lines. It's my job now to take care of me so that can be that for a very long time...

I hold out a small glimmer of hope that she'll do the right thing this mothers day simply because we were never selfish with her when we needed to be it for ourselves. I am hoping she'll understand that sacrifice someday and it will suddenly make more sense and she'll be there for mothers day or other major days

May 10, 2007

Back in the saddle

Well the weather seems set and the morning temperature was 60 degrees, certainly warm enough for a motorcycle ride to work. Diane took the time to go register the motorcycles this week as she has been dying for a ride and the weird part was that I’ve simply had no interest in my bike this year.

I have a nice 100th Anniversary Harley Davidson Softail that I simply had no desire to ride. I was getting to the point of actually feeling guilty about is as I know how much Dee loves to ride. I had even gotten to the point of mentioning selling it and the look on her face was almost devastation;

Generally when a husband tries to explain to his wife that he has G.I.D or even that (Gawd I hate this phrase) He is a "woman trapt in a mans body" she has a major anger reaction to the news. Who can blame her as a myriad of possible mistakes start entering her brain not only wondering whether the marriage or love was a sham but what happens now.

In my case that look and anger never came, she simply continued to love me and understood the depth of my love for her, something to this day I am very thankful for, after all she is the love of my life. It has been this quality that has made me fall deeper in love with her than ever, something I wouldn’t have guessed possible.

When I told her that I was considering selling the Harley that look popped onto her face! The look as though I had just told her I had always felt wrong about myself and I hated everything about my shell. It that sickening look that you get when you feel like you just disappointed your closest friend.

Well I must say the ride into work this morning was a nice one, I’d forgotten the smells that you experience being on the motorcycle. It funny how mechanical my drive into work was starting to become again hopping in the mustang and driving down the interstate all the way to work. It was becoming such a sterile drive and something that driving back roads simply doesn’t have.
Well I’m not back to the enthusiasm that I once had but I certainly had a nice ride in, hopefully there will be many more days like this and they only get better. Maybe I won’t sell it after all.

On another level I have to admit this past week I simply haven’t been myself. I am at a very tough crossroads with the warmer weather approaching and my body constantly changing. I’ve been very down for several days, something I’ve not discussed with anyone other than the fact that Diane can see it. We talk about what’s going on and she gives me her input, if I could only have the confidence in life she seems to have for me.

I told her in an email this am I am really feeling stuck in the mud, I can’t move forward and I certainly can’t move backward. To go back to the old me most certainly sentence me to a lot of inner conflict and most of all a death sentence. I keep reasoning with myself that I could go back now and simply not live with the anger and have quality in my life, I know that I am simply telling myself a lie in the bigger picture. The fact is that while I am happy to have made progress and purged myself of a lot of the negative me, I am having a very hard time making the next steps because I am used to some of the security of the old me.

The old me was a very confident person in the way I moved through my day. I knew that I could grasp and handle almost any situation thrown at me easily. I understood that for whatever reason people seemed drawn to me and liked me, even in my asshole moments. The sad part of it was it was a shell. Some of it was me and some of it was covered by my lie.
I know need to learn to take the next steps and I’m very afraid to do that because the estrogen strips you of that male numbness you once had and you suddenly become very vulnerable to the world around you. Another blog recently described of it as a feeling as though everyone is actually laughing at you even though it probably isn’t true.

In my case the next leap I have to take is to change my clothing over and start working on my voice a bit .I don’t know why I am so fearful of changing clothes other than to say I’m afraid people are going to notice me and judge me. It’s almost as though I will get that who does he think he’s fooling look from people.

Most of the time when we go out now I get noticed as female, even with my voice as it is which is crazy to me. It seems to be at a point where I am having more trouble being recognized as male now. So in that sense I simply don’t understand why I have such a paralyzing fear of simply living my life for what it is and making the jump.

I sat in tears last night over this and Diane had that helpless look on her face again. She gets torn between telling me I’ll do fine and getting upset that I can’t seem to take what she says at face value and trust her. I hate these down times because it really screws with my head and makes me reconsider abandoning the road I’m on.

I know that isn’t a good decision or even possible now… Hopefully I’ll figure things out


May 8, 2007

Happy Tuesday...

Another absolutely beautiful day is in store for us as the sun is bright and the temperature should be close to 80. It is pretty amazing when the season finally starts to break because we have temperature swings of 40-50 degrees at times. You can easily wake up on any given morning with the outside temp being mid 30’s only to be in a tank top and shorts by noon time.

Today is the birthday of a very good friend of Diane and I. Kristi officially turns 29 this year and hopefully she will get to go out and celebrate in style with her husband Todd tonight.

Back when I started talking to Annah Moore about the things that were pounding my brain into a mushy state of being, we started off on a very slow incline as I was trying to keep my identity secret. I knew that Annah knew who I was because of the forum I ran that she was a part of and we had some minor conversations in the course of her membership. The issue was that she couldn’t put a face to the name when she finally heard who I was.

It totally seems crazy that one person with Trans issues has such a hard time opening up to another who has the exact same problems doesn’t it? The depth of pain that dealing with this can cause really keeps you on guard, it keeps you in constant fear or repercussion and judgement. I was no different. When I finally mustered up the courage I sent Annah a picture so she knew exactly who I was as my face had been plastered all over the site partying in Anaheim with friends and musicians.

The picture I sent her was one that had been taken at a show in Anaheim that a bunch of friends from the forum had gone too. The show was Gary Hoey and there was quite a crown of people and a lot of alcohol that evening.

That picture was of two of the wives and good ole me standing right in the middle. As Annah had been trying to convince me that this simply wasn’t going to go away, I really needed to get help and give myself the option of transitioning and living out the rest of my days in peace. I have to admit it was a concept that scared the crap out of me on one hand and intrigued me with the other. After all could I finally have a shot at feeling normal for once in my life?

I remember vividly telling Annah that as amazing as she looked that I could never get to the point of passing and looking natural. Annah simply pointed to the picture and said "see the two women on either side of you? In a few years you will just blend right in and be one of the girls." It was a conversation I took to heart as anyone with any form of GID wants to feel normal and most of all, just blend in. We aren’t looking for negative attention and for the most part most of us just want to go stealth, or blend into society and live peacefully.

So why does this story have a lot of meaning? It’s simple..

The picture with the two girls to either side of me had one person in particular, to my left was Kristi.

This was the first time Diane and I had met Kristi and you could see she had a zest for having fun and had no problems fitting in with our group. All in all we were happy that our friend Todd had found such a nice girl to be a part of his life with. Todd had such a gentle nature about him and Kristi seemed like the perfect fit to his puzzle. … it was the start of a friendship for us that would really reveal itself at a later time.

Kristi has been a good friend to me through all the learning process I’ve been on and most of all has always gone out of her way to make me feel like I could fit in. We have had some really nice chats and she has pointed out some things that weren’t always so obvious to me. She is most certainly a cool chick and as I tell Todd, he is very lucky to have her in his life …they are most certainly good people ..

Who knew a simple picture could have such a strange twist …

Anyhoo …Happy 29th Kristi, and may Todd bless you with many more of those happy 29ths ..

Your friends ~K~ & ~D~

May 7, 2007

My awesome talented wife

I've never been shy over doting over my wife. I think she is beautiful, fun and talented. She doesn't seem to think she is very talented and I have to constantly push her because my belief is to the contrary.

Diane took a leaded glass class several years ago. She has made some wonderful pieces from leaded glass to stone mosaics in glass and everytime she finishes one I am in Awe. She was done some incredible work and with every piece she gets even better. The problem that has arisen is that we have absolutely NO glass work in our own home!

Why? Because she always does them for gifts, so everyone else gets to reap the rewards of her work except me!

She has been dying to do a jewelry box that she has loved since she first saw it. This weekend she finally got off her butt and actually finished it. I'm so proud of her that I want to share it. This is going to look awesome on display!! Whatya think?

May 5, 2007


Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

May 4, 2007

Awesome days off!

Well today turned out to be an awesome day, heck any day that isn't a work day can't be all bad. Dee and I Decided to drive to the Yankee Candle flagship store in S Deerfield Ma. The sun was shining all day today and the 2 hour 110 mile ride was gorgeous. When Dee and I used to go on rides it was always me in the drivers seat. It was one of those male driven things that i just assumed was my responsibility all the time. Going through transition and giving up a bit of that control is a very freeing thing. Now I get time to smell the proverbial roses for a change while someone else takes the responsibility.

Being that is was supposed to be such a nice day we decided to take Diane's car as it is a convertible, thatway if it got warm enough we could enjoy the sunshine!!

When we left the house it suddenly dawned on me I had a GPS enabled phone now so I loaded the software to see how well it worked. Boy GPS is awesome, it got us right to the front door of Yankee Candle! We spent about 2 hours walking around as there are all different facets to the store , it isn't just candles.

Talk about the mother of all candles, this one was taller than I was!!

On the way home we had wanted to stop at a waterfall/dam we had seen on the way down. What a beautiful site it was, i just had to take a picture of it.

For a long time I used to say I wanted to sell our home and move to another part of the country simply to find peace from being around our family, a new start if you will. What this really represented was my own feeling of being trapped because I couldn't be who I felt I was, only what others expected me to be. I no longer feel this way, in fact I've learned to cherish the people around me a lot more now as they have given me the acceptance I'd never expected I would recieve.

When we take times like today to smell the roses and see the scenes of where we live it makes me realize how much I really love the New England countryside. It is something I simply couldn't give up...

Now a couple of side notes...

the 20/20 show last friday. If you were lucky enough to catch 20/20 last friday you would have seen an entire show relating to G.I.D and children who have it. It was a truley inspiring show as the parent's not only accepted their children for who they were but they were willing to go against societies grain to allow their children the tools to live as themselves free of prejudice within the family unit.

Friday my wife received a phone call from her mom letting her know they actually watched the show. I'm actually quite touched they had done this as 20/20 is generally on way past their bedtimes. Her mom let her know that she learned quite a bit from the show and now has a bit better understanding of Gender Identity Disorder.

I guess in some small way it is sad that it takes a TV show to lend credibility to something but I am happy that a blessing was found in such a hidden place. If this was something that helped me with my plight then I certainly believe others must have gotten some benefit from it. YAY!!!!

Lastly there was a shocking story from the LA times this week of a sportswriter names Mike Penner who came out as a transsexual and is intending to transition. Her new name is Christine Daniels and she actually decided to write about her change publicly, I must say it was a very touching article.,0,5270528.story

Understanding the impact the newspaper in an attempt to support their writer has published an online blog for Christine.

Today there was a post from that originated from a reader that happened to be a disapproving bible bumper. Christine's response was not only a good one it was very inspirational to say the least. It's easy to see Christine is very secure in her spirituality, but whats even more of a blessing is something her pastor told her about her transition.

God created you the way you are. He made you a special person. He put you on this journey for a reason. By completing your journey and becoming the person God intended you to be, you are honoring Him.”

What a truly awesome statement. It is so nice to see that at least soem religious people beleive we all deserve a chance in life!

As for Christine, YOU GO GIRL!!


May 3, 2007

Wild week ...

Well it is a nice day outside, sun is shining bright and it is supposed to hit mid to upper 60’s today. Shaping up to be a great day so far, except for me. Tuesday I wasn’t feeling well and was totally drained so I left work about and hour early to go home and get a few hours sleep. When I awoke I felt a bit better so I naturally assumed that I must have just been tired.

Yesterday I didn’t feel bad but I certainly felt a bit funky. As the night went on I could just feel my body was acting as though it couldn’t stand me. Not that I was bad, but I just wasn’t myself.
This morning I’m sad to say I’ve awoken with what could be the worst sore throat I’ve ever had. It isn’t your general sore throat with the burning feeling. Whatever this is has settled in my left tonsil and it is swollen and painful to swallow, I can actually feel it rubbing against the back of my tongue!! I hope this subsides quickly or I’ll have to go to the doctor.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful day so Dee and I decided to take a vacation day, make a long weekend and spend some time out in the air. We were actually thinking about driving down to the Yankee Candle flagship store in South Deerfield Ma. It supposed to be a great tourist type place to spend the day. We’ll have to see what happens because it is a 2 hour drive from where we live. Could be fun though because if it is a nice enough day we should be able to put the tope down on the car and enjoy the sunshine.

Emotionally it’s been a crazy but good week for me. When I started my counseling and it was time to start letting people know what was up with me I was told to approach the wives as they would be able to explain it to their husbands. Well I’d been dreading telling one of my best friends for a very long time and in a email conversation with his wife this week I finally found an opening to break the news.

She took in well I’m glad to say and lucky enough she had just seen a special on 20/20 and one on discovery about this very issue the previous weekend. She was actually pretty open to the subject because she had a basis for it to work from. Doesn’t mean she understands it but she certainly assured me that our friendship wouldn’t change. She then asked me about telling her husband.

I had shared my original "coming out" blog with her so she could understand how this came about. She then decided she would print it out and hand it to my friend and let him read my words. The joke ended up being that I’m the person that actually told him. Nancy told me that she came home, kissed him on the cheek and asked him to read this with an open mind. She explained that it was someone they knew very well. Before her husband ever hit the end of it he asked if it was me.

After Nancy had explained to him that it was and that I had talked to her about it she told him that I was open and honest about answering questions as I had done with her the previous day. She then told him that what he could do for me the most was to pick up the phone and let me know it was cool and our friendship would endure.

When the call came in and I saw the caller ID my blood ran cold, I knew at that point that he must have been told already. I was on long distance with my brother so I hadn’t had a chance to answer. After I hung up with my brother and I was trying to muster up the courage to call him Diane noticed I hadn’t looked quite right and that I was trembling quite a bit. She kept reassuring me that everything would be OK …

When Mike answered the phone he made some small talk and jumped onto the subject letting me know that he knew. He simply told me that nothing changed and they have always considered us part of their family, most of all they would be there for anything we needed.
Sometimes you feel guilty over the craziest of things and I guess I’m no different. My guilt this week came in the form of not putting enough faith in the people who were closest to me, mainly out of fear. At any rate I’m feeling a bit more freedom from my shoulders this week and I appreciate the people around me even more …

Now if I could just get rid of this sore throat~


May 1, 2007

I loved this quote

"To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform."

- Theodore H. White