Feb 28, 2007

Sometimes it is just too funny

Going through this transition has certainly had its share of ups and downs. I seem to get on the roller coaster regularly and never know where the ride will end up. Every once in a while something will happen that either blows my mind or simply makes me smile. This happened today ..

As I've stated anyone dealing with this can attest the biggest fear is being able to "pass" That is to say present as the intended outside physical sex as identified by the inner person. As I've gone through the process of removing my beard and taking hormones I have had the same concerns as most dealing with this do and I'm simply afraid I'll look like a freak instead of just being a girl..

Every so often something happens in an unexpected manner that gives me a bit of hope. I get called ma'am or addressed as ladies with my wife. The cool thing is that I've done nothing to intentionally present myself that way. I'm not wearing female clothing, I'm not wearing jewelry, My hair is tired back and I'm usually in a harley ballcap ... yet it still happens and I walk away feeling a little more like myself and not the person I've wanted the world to see for so long. Most of all though, when this happens it gives me a glimmer of hope that life will be alright and I'll be able to just be normal without being freakish .. gawd I hate that word ..

Today was no different and lately I had been going through the old, I'll never be able to do this, I'll never pass in a natural manner routine when it happened again .. But in this manner it really threw me ..

Diane and I tend to eat a lot of salads now as we really want to eat healthier. 3 years ago I weighed in at just about 200 pounds and I was feeling pretty crappy. It was then I decided I needed to make changes to get back on track and hopefully feel a bit better. Over the course of that year I dropped 55 pounds largely due to eating a lot more salads and getting rid of processed foods.. IE Sugars etc . Diane knowing I had success in this and being a bit braver decided recently to start eating healthier and has gotten on the salads kick with me. Generally I try and do it in different manners to keep it fresh so I'll always do it with different ingredients.

Today Diane had asked if we could have a salad for dinner and I obliged. i had decided I wanted to add chunky turkey to this salad and on my lunch headed over to a local turkey farm for fresh turkey. What transpired during this transaction was not only funny for me but a bit frustrating as well ... To understand this you need to understand I'm not fully out at work or in public yet so I am still presenting as my male self...... this is how it went down .

Lady: Can I help you?
Me: May I have 1 pound of chunky white and 1/2 pound turkey salad?
Lady: sure .. that will be $12.75 please
Me: I hand her my sovereign bank debit card
Lady: she processes it, hands me a receipt to sign and looks at my card..
Lady: Who is Kevin?
Me: I am
Lady: No your not .. Who is Kevin?
Me: I am, I pull out my wallet and flash my drivers license.
Lady: No, your not Kevin ..who is Kevin ..
Me: I pull my ID out of wallet and show her ...
Lady: Who is Kevin?
Me: I am ... finally she reluctantly hands my card back and I leave...

As I drove off it suddenly struck me she just naturally assumed I was female and thought I was using someone else's card. What really struck me funny was even showing her my picture ID wasn't good enough for her apparently I didn't look enough like my old self!!

I had a good laugh but most off all I walked away feeling better..it is times like these I realize that life is going to be ok ..it just takes time .. As I always tell my wife... baby steps ..


Feb 22, 2007


The one thing that tends to ring true in any transgendered person’s mind in the earliest stages of self acceptance is "Will I ever pass" It is a subject that plagues one from the time they have come to terms with who they are and where they need to be in life. I’m no different and it was one of the major factors in keeping myself in a state of depression.

When you have dealt with this condition over a long period of time and you see the affects that the biological chemicals "Testosterone or Estrogen" has in making you physically who you are it can tend to take away all hope at ever feeling normal. I’m no different when I would look in the mirror and all I would see was an aging man staring back at me, the last thing I wanted to see or even needed to see.

For people who write this off as a choice there is no gray area you are who you are. They think this way not only due to lack of understanding but fear of something that isn’t tangible to them. They can’t hold, see, or feel it so therefore it doesn’t exist to them. Think about how this must makes the person feel that needs to be accepted as a gender different from their visual one.
Last night I watched a special on the Tyra Banks show regarding transgender teenagers. I must say this show was done in a care and non-judgmental manner. On the show was a 12/13 yr. old boy named Chris who was born biologically female but always-exhibited signs of being a boy. His mom after realizing this wasn’t a tomboy phase and understanding this was an issue that could end Chris’s life prematurely decided to get him help. He was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and the proper steps are being taken to make Chris feel more like the boy he knew he was.

The twist came when his father was brought out who lives in Italy and was asked about the whole thing. He was non-accepting and even ask "Julia" to reconsider her decisions. Chris reaffirmed to his father who he was and stated "If you loved me you would accept me for who I want to be"

It was his dads response that floored me. He responded by telling Chris "If you really loved me you would reconsider this and live the way you were born"

So let me ask, When does a persons right to live their own life in a peaceful happy manner supercede other people’s beliefs or comfort zones? The short answer is never as the person who doesn’t understand it does not have to live with the internal conflict.

In order for a human being to thrive and be all they can be in life the need to be able to live their lives the way they are comfortable and not the box that they are forced into by people who do not take the time to understand what this condition does to one’s self.

When I decided to get help for myself the one biggest constant nagging question to me was .. Will I ever pass? I honestly didn’t think it was possible after all I have had to present male my whole life and I understood that peoples fear of what is different would be a major impact on the success or a transition. I simply didn’t want to look like a freak.

As time has progressed and estrogen has started to have its affects on me as well as removing most of my dark my facial hair something amazing occurred. On a trip to a local mall I was addressed as a lady. I wasn’t sure I’d heard it correctly and I’d just assume that the guy didn’t get a good look,. I was wearing male clothing, I had my long hair tied back and lastly I was wearing a black "Harley Davidson" cap. I simply figured it was just a weird mistake and he hadn’t gotten a good look.

While this happened it was the start of a weird time for me because it would happen over and over again. It became obvious this was no mistake I was passing for female without trying. This would prove to be a weird time for me emotionally because I would never know how I was being perceived until I was addressed by the person I was interacting with. On a few occasions I even made an assumption that I was read "Male" and all of a sudden I was referred to as she…. I must say it is a great feeling to finally be getting where I have always needed to be ..

Recently I saw a very large TG girl who was just starting her counseling and it then stuck me how much she has to overcome just to feel normal and how lucky I have been so far. What I wish we could due in lieu of judging people based on their appearance is learn to find the inside beauty and the depth of the soul that is being carried on the inside.

We are who we are, just because we look different doesn’t mean we don’t bleed red or want to be loved ..

Feb 20, 2007

Broken promises

Life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride over the last few weeks, Some good, some bad but even at its worst life is still good right now. A few weeks ago I decided it was time to step out of the box and let my mother in law know what was going on with me. It is inevitable that she will find out as the changes are becoming more and more apparent, or so I thought.

For the people who haven’t seen me in a while the changes are huge. My face has softened a lot from the HRT and it’s a lot brighter with the lack of dark facial hair. I’ve had people that haven’t seen me look at me with that puzzled look trying to figure out what is different but not quite sure. I guess it is kind of like someone shaving a mustache off or a new haircut and you notice something is different but just can’t put your finger on it.

For people who see me a lot more the changes have apparently been gradual enough where it isn’t as noticeable to them so when I told my mother in law she was dumbfounded to any of the physical changes.

While I hoped for the best and prepared for the worst with her I knew it wouldn’t be easy and that proved to be exactly the point. After about a 3 ½ hour conversation she assured me they loved me and they were here to support Diane and me. Her biggest concern was that Diane was ok and with a big smile my wife exclaimed "Who knew I was a lesbian"

I guess that night my mother in law took it upon herself to explain it to my father in law who would bring it up at an improper time. The next night at a restaurant for my wife’s 42 birthday he told me he didn’t understand it but he was there for me. He also made it a point of being upset that he wasn’t included in the initial conversation.

I’m not sure of what it is with people but it never ceases to amaze me that the things that I am dealing with have more of an impact on others lives than my own Go figure!!
My father in law made it a point to tell me he needed to be kept in the loop with this. Both my mother and father in law pledged support and assured me that it was up to me to let the cat out of the bag with others. This theory would fizzle in the not so distant future…

Feb 13th I got out of work and headed to the local mall to get my wife something for valentines day when I bumped into my mother in laws best friend Diane. As the conversation progressed we spoke of several different subject but when she was ready to leave she said something that seemed to stick in my mind.

She told me whatever I was going through that they loved me and would never judge me, they would be here for me. As I walked off and the words echoed throughout my head I realized she knew about my GID and the changes. I had most certainly been betrayed by my inlaws.
I have to admit that I was having a hard time with not only the fact that someone else knew without me being ready, but someone I trusted broke that trust and didn’t even inform me of it. Even after my wife confronted her mom they swore they didn’t say anything. I have it on good authority that they in fact did leak the info. This was someone telling me I needed to keep them in the loop!! I wasn’t kept in the loop on a subject that was about ME!!

While I’ve been off balance for a few days knowing someone else knew and I hadn’t been prepared for that the fact is that it is 3 more people that I don’t need to reveal anything too and they supported me no matter what. If I have to walk away with anything in this at least there is some positive, even thought I needed to get hurt from it ….

I have other things to write about but I’ll save that for later …

Feb 14, 2007

Feb 14th

As I sit here and ponder what I want to put into words there is a calming snow falling outside. It is the first major storm of the season which feels a bit odd because the season is half over. Today is obviously Valentines day which to me is a bit of a big joke. It is a holiday that helps give us a reason to spend money .. No more, no less ..

I honestly don't believe that love can be broken down in materialistic ways such as this. I know in my case that Dee treats me well enough to feel like today is no more special than any other day that I awake to see her beautiful face and her shining smile. She is the love of my life. She is my best friend and most of all she is my rock ...

Like all married couples we still make it a point of separating ourselves with some hard earned cash. So this morning she handed me a nice box with a beautiful gold 16" "Snake" chain. She had seen me looking at them and knew I thought they were nice. It is awesome but most of all it makes me feel good that she pays attention to things like that more than ever ...

I gave her a "snake" chain with a sun charm on it, after all she lights my world up every time I am around her ....

If Valentines is a day that you celebrate then please enjoy it, but while you are think about this... Make it a basis for everyday with your mate, life is way too precious not too ...


Feb 8, 2007

Some Days~

Blogs are a funny thing because some days you feel you want to share your life with the world and some you just feel like eh what the fuck is the point. While I had in mind that once I started working on myself that I would just fade into the woodwork that apparently hasn't happened.. maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment!

The fact is that I realized I could help make a difference and maybe show someone else they aren't alone. Or educate people to understand that we are all different and as a race that in itself give us richness, it keeps life interesting. The bottom line for me is that a certain amount of it is self serving. That is to say I do it for selfish reasons

It is kind of hard to think that you can be selfish in sharing yourself with the world in such an open manner but there is so much that I have gotten in return from it that I feel I get back more than I give sometimes.

I recently read a blog from a good friend of mine regarding the sharing of art and the fact the people are willing to enjoy it without being willing to give back. I can fully understand as a musician where she was coming from and I agree with her 100%. I guess in some crazy way this is why I've been able to get back from my blog, simply from the friendship and support I've received... I only wish all aspects of sharing could be that full.

Recently I received a really cool email from Catfish who I actually met through Sully. We haven't had the chance to talk much directly but from everything I've heard about him and read within his own blog he comes across as a really cool guy.

When I got the email from him I was surprised because it was done as a nice gesture out of the blue. While Dan never really knew me personally he certainly went out of his way to pat me on the back and express that he thought it was great I was working to find myself ... that's all I can ever ask for in life. Dan is certainly the type of person that I would normally associate with simply because he cares... So Dan if you see this blog ..this is a heartfelt thank you ...


On a side note I always get deep into what's going on emotionally or something in left field so today is a bit of an add on. The weather has become typical New England as it has gotten really cold. As I sit here an write this the current temperature is only 11 degrees. The crazy thing is that we still have only gotten a total of 2" of snow this season while upstate New York at last count was well on their way to 100" of snow within 1 weeks time. Now that is crazy stuff!! I can't remember the last time we had a huge snowstorm other than the famous blizzard of 78 when I was a kid.

I got a new guitar in the stable 2 days ago and I must say she kicks major ass. It is a Charvel Mahogany Strat with a maple board and without being plug in the thing resonates so well it is loud. I've never owned a guitar that had that kind of depth naturally without a ton of distortion behind it. As I was on the phone with Sully I hit a note and the guitar just sustains for days ...and BTW Sull there was no compression added to get that it was just the guitar ....

Maybe I'll get off my duff and post pictures of it soon .....

Anyway enough for now, onward and upward ...~K~

Feb 4, 2007


Well as the previous post suggested I conquered fear and did what I needed to do...

Saturday my lovely Dee and I had lunch with her mom. It was time to reveal to her mom exactly what was going on with me. While I find it freeing to tell people and get the monkey off my back I'd be lying if i said I wasn't scared to death.

When you tell people who know you it can be a hard thing when you don't know what the reaction will end up being. Going in you hope for the best and hope you wont be treated harshly. The less attached you are to the person the less you have invested in the result. That is to say if it is a co-worker or a distant acquaintance and you are cast aside it doesn't leave as much of a stinging effect as it would to someone who you shared an emotional attachment too. For this reason telling my mother in law that I'm transgendered can certainly do a significant amount of damage to the relationship.

Well we went out to lunch, ordered our food and she started with "So what did you want to discuss with me" My heart felt like it was going to jump through my chest. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do but I did it and I answered some tough questions in response as did my wife. My mother in law surprised me by being very supportive, open and accepting telling that I needed to be happy. She also told me that they had all noticed the positive emotional changes in me over the last year which I do believe lend a certain amount of credibility to my plight.

When I explained that I had started hormone therapy just over a year ago I certainly expected judgement to follow ..it never did. The nice thing is that from the outside it is easy to see that my brain just malfunctions on testosterone. Estrogen has created a more well balanced emotional pattern to my thinking ... I think clearly without the massive mood swings I would once have... I do not miss them.

Testosterone for me created rage and conflict. It created a numbness to other peoples feelings and most of all it lent itself to deepened depression. I would never have believed that a chemical that is in our bodies naturally could do so much damage. Annah M likened it to putting the wrong fuel in your car and once the right fuel is in there it runs smoothly. While I understood what she meant it never had as deep an impact as it does now that I've lived the change for the last year.

I took my first estrogen tablet on Jan 17th 2006 and I was literally shaking when I did it. I knew popping that pill in my mouth could give me the chance to finally have some control but at the same time I had that fear of the unknown. I knew the key to my survival meant trying and walking away would as sure be like signing my on death warrant in the near future... so I took the blue pill to see how deep the rabbit hole went .... and deep it goes...

First changes were a sense of calmness that slowly came about. I started to notice I was more at peace with my daily existence and while I would have episodes of crying, they were no where near the roller coaster of rage and depression I once felt. I started to lose some of that numbness that I had for other peoples feelings and it also aloowed me to become a little more sensitive and thin skinned. This is an emotion I need to learn to control and not allow it to control me.

When I was on testosterone I was quick to anger and it happened relatively easily. I would hold that anger for days and weeks at a time never letting it rest and most of all I vented that anger. I now have seen this as one of my most positive changes. I still get angry at times but the range of emotion isn't as wide and I get over my anger very quickly ..it simply doesn't ruin my entire day any longer as it once would.

My skin softened and almost daily it seemed to change in different areas in complete cycles. My hair was always thick but it had gotten coarse as I had gotten older, the estrogen caused my hair to soften as it was when I was younger. My nails became more brittle. My body hair totally changed to female type hair .. thin and sparser than typical male hair. The hair that was on my back disappeared.

Body hair had always created an OCD like affect on me and this was such a welcome change for me. It would get to the point that I would touch the back of my shoulder area just to remind me that things were finally starting to seem normal and right.

The biggest change that it has caused is the smile that appears to be stuck on my face from the time I wake until the time I go to bed. I still have my moments but they are much happier and now I can function without having the testosterone cloud that once engulfed my brain, for the first time I am beginning to understand that there is peace for me ...

With all these changes I had hoped they would make a difference in what other people saw of me and in some instance this happened with my mother in law. Her concern was that I was ok and that I did what I needed to do to be happy ..Her biggest concern was for her daughter and that she was OK to which Dee explained she was happier than she had ever been ... oh how I love her ... 4 life..

Tonight in a conversation with Annah M I asked her if she ever ran into any negativity when she came out and she replied that she really hadn't. I told her for every person that I tell I keep waiting for the sky to fall and it never seems to happen ... her reply was something like "It's wild isn't it"

I'd have to say I had all but lost faith in the human race 2 years ago but as I write this today I think it is safe to say that my faith is slowly being renewed. The people who have been told have made me feel like I am worthy of being right with the world and that's all I ever wanted ..

My mother in law told my father in law. While some of what he said bothered me, for the most part he pledged his support to me and told me he was behind whatever I needed to do. I am thankful for that and processing the rest at the moment. It wasn't all positive but the sky certainly didn't come crashing down on me ....

I guess you could say I had an interesting weekend .... how about you?









Feb 3, 2007


Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
Marie Curie
French (Polish-born) chemist & physicist (1867 - 1934)

Fear will not be my emotional motivation for today. Determination, honesty and faith in others will be what fills my day. Today is a milestone for me, I take one more step from the box the binds me. Fear will not drive me because it only leads back to guilt and self destruction. I am learning how to be me... not letting fear dictate who I am!

Feb 1, 2007

step by step

Well every step on the journey is one that frees me from chains that were once tightly wound around my existence. One more link gets loosened this Sat when I meet with my mother in law and I finally tell her what is going on.

While my existence doesn't hang in the balance by her feelings I obviously hope she is accepting and supportive. At a minimum I just hope that she supports my wife and shows her that no matter what she is her family ... that's the least I can hope for..

If she doesn't accept things then I won't allow it to derail the path I am on it isn't worth being miserable for someone Else's beliefs any longer. Last night as we talked we compared the me of 2005 to the me of today and it is obvious that I am in a much better place emotionally. I am happier than I've ever had the chance to be and I'm able to get out of bed for "me" now.... My path is an obvious one ..

When I started this painting of my life the colors I chose for my palette were very dark grays and black. It is nice to be able to finally add the most vivid of colors to the rainbow that has become my life. I see those colors and they are brighter and more beautiful than they have ever been ....

who knew ...