Jan 30, 2007


Every morning when I get on the internet part of my ritual is checking all the news that is going on in the world and every once in a while beyond all of the political news there is one story that is amazing to me,
When I find stories like this I love to share them simply for awareness and education issues. Yesterday I cam across the following headline and decided I needed to share it.

Unhappy as a boy, Kim became youngest ever transsexual at 12


The reason this story intrigues me is quite obvious as I understand exactly what this child is going through., I’ve lived it. Lets take a step back and look at the bigger picture now because I’m sure that a lot of people are up in arms over this story because it is not only a misunderstood issue but it is also a child.

People who do not understand G.I.D or transsexualism usually look on the subject with a great deal of prejudice. I also understand that that prejudice is based in fear of the unknown and what people don’t understand they seem to fear, which in turn creates a hostile view in the bigger picture. Add a child into this and it gets rough as people believe children are to young to form these types of feelings about themselves.

I guess to some degree I understand the need to play it safe when it comes to our kids but I also understand how tough it is to live life the way this child feels at the same age. I think in terms of sexuality children can certainly be to young to understand and deal with the issue and we need to guide our children through it. Most people lump gender and sexuality into one big ball instead of understanding that they are in fact different… who you are attracted too is only loosely based on who you feel you are.

For the majority of people living this way the one part of it that always seems to remain constant is the idea that they knew from a very young age or the feeling that it was always somehow just there. When you break it down into basic thinking an 8 year old child isn’t taught to be transgendered they simply understand that things aren’t right and they try to understand why. A lot of times a parent will simply try to correct what they perceive to be wrong behavior and reaffirm the child’s visual gender because of their lack of understanding.

I was no different and when I was 12/13 years old it became a big issue in my life. I remember how it affected my social thinking and the need to act a certain way to fit in. I wasn’t always successful in trying but I just learned to act a certain way so I wouldn’t be picked on worse unloved by my family for it.

Over the last few years this condition has become more discussed publicly and even studied within the scientific communities. It is now believe that it is not a mental illness as once thought but more of a biological disorder during fetal development.. If this is indeed where we are in our learning curve is it so tough to believe that a 12 year old can understand that they aren’t how they feel?

Now add into it that the medical community has a better understanding of these issues and have ways of identifying it and dealing with it successfully. If a child is so determined going into their teen years that they are a different gender than the visual one they appear to be, the medical community has enough knowledge to identify that and help them then we need to look a things like this in a more positive manner.

Hormones can be a powerful thing to any human being but more so to a teenager. It causes so many emotional changes and those changes can mean life or death to a transgendered youth. If this can be scientifically identified and correct before the body’s hormones do their damage then dealing with this condition can early can only be more successful. Again this is provided there is enough medical proof to understand it is necessary for the child.

The older we get the more damage our own hormonal does to our body and the less chance the correct hormone has at doing a good job. This is a small part of why research needs to be done and people within this community can be helped at critical stages as this teenager. When this is done we will not only become more accepted by society but our own rate of mortality will get better.

In closing I’m proud to know there are parents that not only support their children but are willing to go as far as they need to allow their kids to grow up happy, healthy and well adjusted. I certainly salute Kim’s parents for being leaders and not followers …


Jan 28, 2007


After having a bit of a busy morning I decided to sit down for a moment and check my email. My cousin Betty sent me a touching email this am that I want to share. Several weeks ago after not seeing my cousin in quite some time she asked why she hadn't seen much of me and why we hadn't gotten together in a while. Generally a few times a year we try and get together with our spouses at a little breakfast place and play catch up. Due to a lot of personal changes in my life I'd been playing it low key and she was beginning to feel avoided as though she had dome something wrong. It was at that point I decided it was time to tell her what was up and let it be her decision if she wanted to see me anymore. She was really cool about it and still wanted her cousin in her life. ..

This am I got a sweet email with a message and a story attached, it touched me enough to post it ..


Read this one and remember one cannot always "believe" in what sees with one's eyes.

Your cuz,

---------- ----------
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour.
Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

Jan 27, 2007

Who the F am I???

Last night after my workday was done I got home and settled in for our nice night or hibernation due to the cold. As I was waiting to make pizza I happened to be flipping channels and came across a story of a young man on Oprah.

The manner this young man viewed life was nothing short of astounding. He was born without eyes and arms that were fused to the point that he could not bend them. They were a bit shorter than average arms and when I saw what this young man was capable of doing I could not help but feel like my gender problems seemed very small in comparison to his disabilities.

At the age of two he learned how to play melodies on the piano. He has taught himself how to play various instruments and do whatever he wanted. He had a very supportive father who goes out of his way to allow his son to do whatever he needs or wants and supports it all.

After seeing this person it made me take stock of how minor my own issues really are. Sometimes it takes someone amazing to make us thankful for who we are or maybe sets the bar for who we should be ..

Jan 26, 2007

Happy Fridays

I have to say it's been a very long 2 weeks for me but life is good and I have only minor complaints as most people would. I've really moved forward a lot in my quest to be me.

Early this month I let our H.R rep at my job know what was going on with me. I guess it was time because she had already thought maybe I was sick because of the changes in my appearance. Funny she was more relieved to hear what it really was than to hear that I might have cancer or some bad disease.

In the last year I've had a bunch of laser electrolysis on my face and the difference so far is incredible. My face is now looking a little younger due to the fact that the heavy dark blue that was below the surface of my skin created a much older appearance.

Some people who haven't been made aware of what is going on have approached me trying to pin point what is different but never seem to add it up to the fact that my beard is almost gone. (I say almost because the laser does not treat gray hair)

Before I started working on this you could tell where my head was at based on my appearance at any given time. This isn't to say I would let my hygiene slip but I would get low and simply not shave for days at a time.. I figured what was the point. I was never drawn to my facial hair and never grew it but the funny thing was that as much as a 5 day beard screams male to me the razor on my face screamed it even worse at times. It was a harsh reminder for me.

Being a guy was never a a pleasant issue and it is funny what the difference is from before to now. I knew it what is was before but I just didn't care. In boy mode I simply didn't care about my appearance. I had no desire to dress nice or look good because it didn't represent me. Dee and I would go to functions where it would require me to dress and as she could always tell it just wasn't in me. I guess you could say it kind of felt like it would sticking any woman in a men's suit and sending them out for the day .... it just didn't work and I would always remain miserable until I could get into Jeans and a T-shirt .. at least that was semi gender neutral to some degree ..

I often believe this was why I had put on so much weight through my 20's and 30's. By the time I was 38 I had hit the 200 # mark and it was steadily rising. That weight on my small frame was very apparent and my round face would always make me cringe in pictures. I finally realized what I was doing to myself and knew I needed to change some things if I stood half a chance of being healthy. In retrospect I simply didn't care about my weight because of the pain.

On the flip side of just trying to be who I am I now I tend to take a lot better care of myself. I do things for my well being that I would have never done before and those things make my wife smile. It's nice to care about myself and it is nice to see that others can make me see that I'm worth that ....

The 2nd big thing was that I let my cousin know what was going on with me. She had had limited experience with Transgendered people in the past and she was readily willing to ask questions. Her only concern was for my well being and told me she was sorry I have had to live this way my entire life.

I guess I can appreciate that but I'm honestly not looking for sympathy and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me I simply want people to see and understand that I am slowly becoming a better me. In the process of that they get more from me than the shell I once presented to them.

The next big hurdle will be my wife's parents and I'm dying to get it out of the way because I feel it is crucial to being able to move forward. Hopefully this will take place over the next few weeks and then I can focus more on moving forward.

For the time being life is good and I can't complain much This is the first time I am simply becoming happy to wake up everyday and most of all see things differently and in a more innocent manner ...

So in closing the weekend is just about here and it is damn cold up here in the North East. It was -5 degrees this am and expected to be -20 tonight with the wind. I am looking forward to making a homemade pizza, cuddling up with a bottle of wine with my best friend and enjoying a little me time....

Hope life finds you well and you have a kick ass night!

Jan 25, 2007

Stages of GID/Relationships

One of the most confusing things for people to understand is the feeling of being male on the outside, female on the inside and being attacted to females. This in itself makes people think that these things are just made up or crazy because it is beyond their own comprehension .. or lack of education.

1st rule of thumb if you have no idea of what Gender Identity Disorder is all about it to understand that sexuality and gender are 2 different things and while one may parallel the other they are only loosly related. Who I feel like in my mind does not bear on who I am attracted too.

So I guess becomine a teenager is hard enough without throwing gender confusion into the mix. The way it hit me was a double edged sword because I felt as though I had everything to prove in being a teenage boy and helping rid myself of the feeling I had been living with.

I became sexually active as the age of 15 and it was in a manner of asserting my male place in the world. I've treated women in manners early on that I'm not proud of and I guess in some small way it was to rid myself of guilt and not be who I feared.

When I met Dee that slowly changed for me because I found someone who I could see deeply cared for me more than anyone had ever shown me. On the flip side I beleived for a time this was the cure I was looking for but sadly I would slowly find out I was dead wrong.

Being a dad at a young age, having a beautiful partner and friend was supposed to fulfill everything I didn't have in myself and for a time I would try to live through Dee. I would ask her why she didn't dress certain ways or wear makeup the way most girls did. I would ask her why she didn't act certain way and in some instance she would try things to make me happy if even she didn't enjoy them.

No matter how much she ever loved me or ever tried to make me happy it just never clicked with me and I just wasn't cured. Yet those years I thought I could make her what I wasn't

Over a period of years she would come to learn more about me and my feelings but that will wait for another blog....


Jan 24, 2007

Stages of GID/Teenage confusion

Think back for a moment to when you were a teenager. How weird a time it was for you as hormones kicked in, your body changed, your interests changed and you became more aware of a bigger world. Now add in the feeling of being wrong in your body and not understanding it.

Teenage years were certainly a rough time for me on so many levels. My in congruence was more evident to me than ever and there wasn't anyone who I could turn to and simply ask to help me. I was trapt between a new found interest in girls and a lack of wanting to be a boy. The times were weird for me and to add another little twist was my puberty was very late. I didn't go into full blown changes with Body hair and such until i was 17/18 and I can honestly say when it happened it did a number on me emotionally. It was slowly pushing me away from any sense of where I should be.

Showers in the middle school locker room were so traumatic for me for these reasons. Between not feeling like I fit in with the boys and late onset puberty I stood a better chance at hitting the lottery than feeling right with the world.Funny I even remember my highs school coach asking me one day "Do you sit down when you pee?" I never thought the difference was so noticeable that I needed public humiliation over it.

Throughout that whole period I felt as though there was something seriously wrong with me mentally and emotionally. I didn't fit in well with my peers, I was smaller and less rough than most boys my age. I learned to posture and make myself appear tougher than I ever was.I grew more distant from my mom because of her conservative views about sexuality and such.

Years before we had neighbors who lived across the street from us that my mom was friendly with. I remember being young and hearing her come home in a huff complaining that the neighbor had asked her to marry him. I guess it wasn't the fact that he asked that bothered her as much as the fact he was applying mascara as he did it. I didn't understand how that would affect me at the time but it was certainly one of the smaller reasons I could not go to my mom and declare my needs.

When I was around 13 and not understanding why I was the way I wanted I remember getting caught with a pair of my grandmothers pearls. I remember how I seemed to be drawn to them and thought how pretty they looked. My mom caught me with them and what was to follow to this day haunts my mind. In a very stern voice my mom asked "Are you a queer?"

I remember the feeling of humiliation rushing through my mind and the answer that I gave in a self preservation manner was simply NO .. I often wish I could have said help me I don't know what is wrong but I simply couldn't. Recently my cousin who is a lesbian herself told me it wouldn't have mattered because my mom would not have had the emotional capacity to help me.

My family was homophobic and close minded. They were old school French Canadians where men were men and I was to be viewed no differently. My mom often told me that if I got picked on and I didn't fight that she would beat me worse when I got home. I guess you could understand how the words help simply were not in my vocabulary in this instance...

Back in those days it wasn't understood and it wasn't discussed it was just viewed as wrong ... some days I wish I could have just felt normal ...

Jan 23, 2007

My stages of GID

This is reprinted form MDLW. I may do this on occassion until this blog is the only one running. I think the more some of this information gets out the better it can be for others so I want to share it.

I've decided to start sharing how I've gotten here and the changes form the begining..Hopefully it will be interesting and maybe informative for some. I'm always willing to answer questions about it as well


When I was young maybe around the age of 5 and then more so at the age of 7 I knew something was not right with me. I never understood the aspect and the differences in gender at that age so it wasn't as though I could point to it and say that I felt female in my mind.

I understood that I was being pushed to socialize and be segregated with the boy on the playground. Back in those days things were much different in the boy/girl socialization and it was never more noticeable than things like school yard recess. I specifically remember how the girls were on one side of the school yard and the boys were on the other separated by a yellow line like you would see down the center line of a divided highway.

I never understood why I couldn't go over to the girls side I just knew I wanted too. I never equated it to the differences within my mind as much as it just seemed more natural to want to be over there. I was never a rough and tumble boy it just wasn't in my nature and for the most part I tended to be a lot more sensitive than my peers.

When you are that young and thrown into a situation that you are not comfortable with it can deeply affect you. I certainly knew I had to learn to play a tough guy act if I was to survive among the other boys, after all that is how I was being socialized. At times I could play a tough guy act but if I was called on it (which happened easily I didn't appear tough) I couldn't back it up.

I think as most parents our job in nurturing our children isn't much different than training an animal to some degree. If nature dictates a specific behaviour we then take that behaviour and use it as a modified trick further evolving the behaviour in the animal. This for the most part is the easiest way to train any animal.

So how does this equate to human beings? I think any child that shows a natural positive behaviour, that particular behaviour should be reinforced and nurtured. For instance if your child shows a talent for drawing then it is easy to make drawings a positive thing thus allowing the child to hone the talent. I don't see how this couldn't be done with anything that works to make a child grow into a well rounded adult.

This was a talent my mom simply didn't have when it came to understanding her child. Anything regarding being different or being less than the other boys was something she made an attempt to correct. For instance instead of asking me what activities I might be interested in she made it a point to push me into them.



She tried to push me into contact sports but being the type of kid I was, the thought just simply terrified me and it was one of the few times I remember her not pushing me into it as she had done with other things.

I look back now on those times knowing what I've learned about myself wondering how I made it through. To some degree it is like being stuck in mid drift of anesthesia and having the doctor start the surgery. You are aware that it is happening but no matter how hard you try you just cannot communicate what is wrong. I'm finally thankful for the first time in my life I am able to communicate my inner self to the outer world and I only hope the world listens with acceptance and support ...

Jan 22, 2007

Happy Blue Monday

Today is apparently "Blue Monday". It is aptly named that due to the notion that the weather, financial Christmas woes, lack of daylight etc etc etc makes this the gloomiest day of the year... Hence "Blue Monday"

Now could someone please explain to me why we are naming a day that sounds so negatively awful??????????????????????????????????

Jan 21, 2007


Guess I simply haven't figured out what I'd like this thing to look like.

Soaps, Blogs and stuff

When I was a kid we lived with my grandmother who was drawn to all the daily television soaps in her retirement. I used to laugh because I would get home from school and my grandmother would be sleeping on the couch with whatever show was on and she would be snoring away. The minute I would change the channel I would hear from a dead sleep "I WAS WATCHING THAT!" It always amazed me she could see the tele through her eyelids like that. I guess it isn't much different than the moms who have eyes in the backs of their heads...

I never had any desire to watch a soap and the only reason I'd ever seen one was because of my dear old grandmother. After she past away I never watched one again, I just had no interest.

Until now ..

Lemme start by saying I don't think any differently about them now as I did then for the most part I think they are garbage simply because they base story lines around negativity all the time. Recently "All my children" started a new story line that was quite ground breaking and it peaked my interest when I heard it was going to be revealed.

The story line is based around an eccentric rock star named Zarf who meets a girl that he becomes infatuated with. When he starts to get involved he finds out she is a lesbian and things start to make more sense to him .... Because he's transgendered and has been suppressing it his whole life. He knew he was but he didn't feel safe enough dealing with it until all the cards seemingly fell into place.

As we all know in soaps nothing ever "falls" into place otherwise their story lines would be boring. What they have done with the story line is intertwined a little bit of every aspect someone dealing with GID has to endure. The fear of coming out, the self hatred, the acceptance of others and worse the harsh judgement of others as well all bare heavy on the soul.

From what I've read the writers wanted to do something ground breaking and had already walked the sexuality line so they decided the next best controversial subject was that of gender. In an effort to do the story justice the got involved with PFLAG to learn more deeply about the realism of the subject.

I have to say while I hate soaps I think they are doing an awesome job of showing how hard it is for someone to come out and be who they feel they truly are. I for one have my DVR set just to watch and see how the character deals with things...Hopefully others will watch and learn with an open mind and education is never a bad thing ...


Well I'm not sure where I am going with Mayday's lost world in the future as I'm moving into a new blog. I may just leave it up for others to read some of the subjects I've discussed but in the near future I am moving forward and moving on. Things will be changing a great deal and I'm learning where I fit in and what feels right and doesn't. The fact is that I'm moving forward can only serve me in a positive manner and I hope that others either agree or try to understand that.

Lastly we had a dusting of snow over the past night and woke up to a very peaceful beautiful white blanket. One of the only things I love about snow is that when it is fresh it leaves me with such a tranquil feeling.

Anyway enough for now ... happy Friday to all of you

Jan 17, 2007

She's here!!

My baby is online!!


Reposted from my old blog

T.Y.F.A~ Trans Youth Family Advocates

It isn't often that I'll re post or copy a subject from another blog or website. I won't do it simply because I consider myself to be a leader and not a follower in most instances. I also like to think I'm creative enough to write from my own heart and not ride the coat tails of others. That is unless there is a coat tail that is truly worth following.

After stopping by Annah Moore's blog and subsequently Emmy's blog I decided the topic at hand was one truly worth talking about to help educate people. I hope they both understand I'm not out to jump on a bandwagon but I am looking to spread a message.

I can only start this message and explain through my own experiences with G.I.D. When I was young I had an understanding that I was different but I was not allowed to understand what that was. I grew up in a very close minded homophobic household and I was expected to be nothing less than 110% red blooded American male and anything less was unacceptable. What these early negative interactions did to me left me in a state of mind that was not healthy to my long term plans for life.

I've always had a basic understanding that I had transgendered feelings and thoughts but I'd done everything in my power to suppress it, ignore it and run from it. While I was able to function in day to day life the after affect was a person who was negative and angry with the world around them. This would inevitably lead to a constant roller coaster of emotional turmoil all through my adult life.

I can honestly say that after slowly dealing with it for a little over a year and working on who I need to be I am becoming a more balanced person. I was told by my wife today I have become happier and more centered. I still have a long way to go but every positve step sheds years of negative emotion from my soul, I couldn't ask for more ..When I decided to get help and work on myself the last thing I expected to do was make it public. What I learned from being friends with Annah Moore is that in whatever stage we are dealing with in this we need to make others aware they are not alone and there are options.

So how does the title of this thread play into this? Simple!!

Looking back on the years of my life I'm truly thankful for the accomplishments I've made but I'm also regretful for the negative damage I've done in the process. Today's youth are no different now than I was or even Annah was back when we were teenagers, that is except for one thing...

When we were young there was no Internet. There was no way of getting information without opening yourself up to ridicule because it simply wasn't discussed. Today's youth have a plethora of information at their finger tips by using any search engine and lucky enough for them have a better chance at being themselves than people Like Annah or I did.

While all this information is available to help them figure themselves out or let parents of adolescence TG children find info to help the one thing that is lacking is public education. Make no mistake we as a race are better with each generation we teach of tolerance but without a start things will never change.

If you want to learn and support please checkout this video and the web link. Learn with an open mind and most of all if you know someone in this situation please show them support and love so they can learn to be themselves and not feel like life is a lie.

Here is a list of TYFA's beliefs .

TYFA Believes: All people, especially children, have the right to be listened to when they express something as core to their sense of self as gender identity, particularly when that gender identity expression differs from their assigned birth sex.

TYFA Believes: Anyone who supports and honors a child’s gender identity expression deserves in return the support and respect of their extended families, neighbors, communities, schools, child welfare agencies, the courts and last, but not least, the medical community.

TYFA Believes: There is no greater gift we can give, or positive role-modeling we can do, than to teach our children to respect and cherish diversity

Please educate and teach each new generation tolerance..... If you are TG'd and need to talk or get info visit Annahs website or feel free to write me if even for a sympathetic ear and most of all understand you aren't alone..


As Em puts it horror scopes

I never put much stock in horoscopes or things beyond my power. I believed more in chance than in destiny. One say not long ago my darling Dee sent me my horoscope for the day and while I'd always believed they were very generic it just seemed fitting. I'd have to say more so than not they are fitting so I want to share today's ..

Teaching an old dog new tricks isn't hard when the dog wants to improve itself! You can sense something new starting in your life, so why not go with this feeling and make some personal changes? In order to take advantage of an upcoming transition, you'll have to let go of a few old habits. But one glimpse at your possible future will show you that all the effort will be worthwhile. Today you will be handed a golden opportunity on a silver platter.

While I believed that we didn't control our futures I also believed that nothing else did either, things just happened. After walking down the road this past year I have come to realize that over my life a lot of things just seemed to fall into place in a manner that keeps me wondering if it was simply just chance cause ....

I guess I'll never know that for sure but what I can say is I'm more of an optimistic person now which is uncharted territory for me .. I'm used to being the negative one all the time ....


Jan 15, 2007


I've decided to start slipping into more of my newer self and out of my older one. I'm not sure where this layout will go or if I even like this one but I figured it was a starting place. I'm considering getting off my duff and starting a new website in the process. Beyond the small stuff I do for other sites I haven't done a website in years so I'll need to immerse myself in all the new tools.

As far as where this is going it is quite obvious that I'm moving forward. For the first time in my life I am waking up to bits and pieces of that inner peace that I've been searching for my entire time on this planet. While I'm not fully where I need to be I am certainly far better off than the beginning of the journey and I am thankful for all of the people who touched that path to show me the way ..

Here's to new beginnings!!

New setup