Yesterday was a bit of a rough day for me. I sat and wrote out a whole blog for it to only get lost in a crash or something. That was the tip of the iceberg but it is safe to say it was one of those days we all have wondering why in hell that we got out of bed. Things got messed up, people were pains and it was just a better day for sleep and than productivity. i guess the fact that I'm still a bit under the weather could have bearing on it as well.
My writing yesterday started with a simple conversation with a friend and turned into a thought provoking discussion for me. In the course of whatever we had been discussing I made the statement "I don’t like fake people". I’m sure most people can agree that you want to know a true person and not some facade that they want you to see. I explained to her that one of the things that bothers me in transition is how in some way we are expected to "act" to emulate the destined gender.
In a counseling session not long ago I made a comment to my counselor that I didn’t know quite where I fell within the feminine spectrum. I knew it was something that I would have to figure out as I weave my way through dealing with physical and the emotional changes. She told me to go further to the feminine side of how I’d imagined myself.
I don’t know how I imagine myself, I’ve never reduced how I’d felt to a visual goal within my mind. I never sat down and thought that my goal was to be a full time Barbie doll or any ultra feminine persona. In my reading of my transition stories to get other peoples perspectives of how to deal with these thing was a common idea that we try to do as much possible to pass.
I guess one of the problems I have with stepping into that prescribed box is that I don’t feel true to who I am, I feel more like an actress and that is just not me. I’ve always tried to be a genuine person to others and the only way I can say I’m a hypocrite is in hiding my gender identity to others. I’ve always been proud to be the type of person who was brutally honest so anything less for me would make me feel terrible.
I’ve never set out to change things intentionally but as I’ve become slowly more comfortable with the changes in myself, my mannerisms, choice of words and the way I act have all changed have all naturally. For instance when I used to walk I had a very male bounce to my gate. It has since been pointed out to me that the bounce is now gone and I walk more smoothly than I used too.
My wife often points out things that are very girlish in mannerisms or even some of the things I say.
I’ve seen all kinds of women in my lifetime and there is a wide array of difference to the gender spectrum, everywhere from Tomboyish/Girl all the way to Feminine Girl. The one thing I always loved about my wife was her tomboyish ways yet she was still able to get cleaned up and be very feminine. The bottom line to me is I don’t care where I fall as long as it is within a comfortable spectrum for me and it is not an act.
With all that said I do know there are things that need to change a bit like my voice. This has been one of the hard "I feel like I’m acting things" that bother me. I do know that it is a necessary change in order to get read properly and eventually I will get myself there.
Call it paranoia if you want but lately I’ve been feeling like some of the people who have pledged support to me are having a hard time with what is going on. It’s kind of hurt me a bit to feel like I’m hurting other people or making them uncomfortable but I do know that I can’t be something I’m not for others comfort. I guess things will change and I’m happy to have people around me who love me.
I don’t understand why I’ve been so lucky in the support area, I’ve heard a lot of nightmares about people who have lost friends, family, jobs, homes etc and it scared the hell out of me. In fact this was one of the biggest reasons I’d always assumed I could never do anything about how I’d felt. I think the fact that people care about me has a lot to do with the positive changes to my personality since this whole thing started. I’ll take whatever I can get ..
Some days are harder than other, some are days where I’m just tired of the whole transgender thing in general. I told my friend Annah a few days ago it’s so hard to remember how bad it was, that part of my life seem to have just become stories to me now instead of true emotion.
I’m just glad to feel good and be happy to roll out of bed everyday … I hope to have a lot more of those.
~K~
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