Sep 28, 2007

Emotional week ..

It’s been an emotional and yet good week for me. Things have progressed, I’m feeling fairly upbeat about where my head it as. Physically I have been sick for several days with a pretty nasty cough that has been keeping me awake at night.

Monday was a huge turning point for me in regards to my appearance. It was also quite emotional due to the fact I got my first real girlish haircut and had my eyebrows shaped. My daughter in an effort to make me feel better a few weeks before sent me a message asking me not to be mad at her. She had taken her friend to my blog to show her what I looked like and see what she thought. Her friend is a hairstylist and after some talking we decided to have her see if she could work her magic on me.

Monday after work with a lot of nervousness in hand had me driving over to Jessica’s house for the big change. The plan was for me to get there a bit early and shower as I would just be getting out of work. Her friend not only did a really nice job on my hair and brows but she really went out of her way to make me feel at ease and comfortable with everything that was going on. As we met face to face her very first words were simply "Don’t worry we’ll make you look great"

After she was done with the cut she asked me to go in the bathroom and look at what she had done. It took everything I had to not shed a tear when I looked in the mirror, it was totally awesome and an overwhelming emotional experience that I will never forget.
Next up were my thick and bushy eyebrows. She had me lay back on a pillow and asked me "Do you want me to just clean them or shape them?" I don’t know what came over me at that moment, I really don’t think I had control of the words leaving my mouth but I do remember saying "You can shape them"

While I understand it shouldn’t be a big deal, after all this was the planned direction I had been heading anyway. The silly thing is that as I looked in the mirror and saw a defined arch to my "thinned" brow line my first thought wasn’t how nice it looked, it was omg people will really notice this change.

I know change shouldn’t be an issue, this is what transition is totally centered around. But in some crazy way we move forward in a manner of flying under everybody’s radar until we are ready to be full time in our rightful gender. This way the people who know me may or may not notice my changes, but I won’t have an awkward feeling as they happen having to explain everything I go or even why they are happening.

The next big pop would be for my counseling session Wed. I went through an adolescent bitch fest with my wife getting ready for my appointment. I want to look good and was totally frustrated with how things were coming out. I swear nothing is ever good enough for me when it comes to this. I constantly question the physical changes to my appearance in how other people view me. Because of this I have a huge fear of walking out of the house not only looking wrong, but looking like I am trying to hard. IE Drag Queen syndrome!

When the session before mine got out and Anne approached us to bring us in for mine she as usual appeared happy with the changes in my appearance. While I feel awkward about how I look, Anne not only always assures me that I look natural, she sometimes acts like I am her star pupil that she is proud of. As the conversation twisted through recent events Anne asked me to hold my thoughts, darted out of the room and re-emerged with the current Tapestry Magazine that has my dear friend Annah on the cover.

For those who might be unaware Tapestry is a Transgendered driven Magazine that caters to the community. Recently my friend Annah Moore made the cover and has several pages of pictures and interviews inside. It was the first time I’d seen it and I have to say I was impressed with the layout they gave her.

"Is this the Annah you know?" Anne asked me and I told her that it was my dear sister Annah. Then I would get what I felt was the nicest compliment to date regarding not only my transition but my appearance. Anne told me she saw a lot of similarities in Annahs appearance to mine. She also told me she felt that I looked as good as Annah to which I was amazed.

I’ve been friends with Annah now for several years and I have not only admired how proud she shows what she had conquered but how naturally beautiful she was. To this day I still don’t consider myself to be in line with how nice Annah looks but I sure as hell am happy to be put in line with someone I’ve admired so dearly these past few years.

Lastly the conversation of going full time has arisen and I’m seriously thinking that maybe it is time to set a date and stick to it. In a phone conversation with Annah this past Sunday I told her I thought it would be the best idea and she agreed. When I told her that I needed to find a way to be accountable to the date she told me exactly how to hold myself accountable … Set a name change appointment with the courts! This was discussed with Anne and some ideas were thrown around about when, how etc, it is definitely nerve-wracking to even think about that.

Upon researching this through the NH govt website and looking at the form one particular line jumped out at me on the change. "Middle name" I couldn’t believe it had never struck me before but I had never thought about a middle name or if I even should have one. I’ve always tended to use my middle name on official papers to identify anything legal as me without doubt.
When I chose to use the name Karyn there was nothing special about it. It was a natural jump from Kevin and I’d always liked the name Karen. I just wanted it to be slightly different but what the hell could I replace Robert with? The most logical jump is Roberta, but to me that sounds like a Tranny name and well .. I’m just not having that.

After thinking about it I got the bright idea that this was something special that I should share with my daughter an have her help me, this way she was at least a part of my process and we would have something special for years to come. When I asked Jess what she thought she seemed pretty happy to be included, so much so that she asked if I would take her middle name (Ann). I thought it was sweet that she wanted to have that bond and this was something that could be special between us so I’ve agreed. I liked the flow of it when Diane and I named her so many years ago and now adding it to my name creates not only the same flow, but also a deeper connection to someone I love very dearly.

Lately I’ve been getting a weird vibe from my father in law that I was having a hard time putting my finger on and then it finally hit me exactly what it was this week. He’d pledged his support to me already and told me he was here for us. Recently after bumping into him I saw this familiar look in his eye and after a few hours it finally struck me what it was. It was the same look he used to give me when Diane and I were first together. It was a look that said I only tolerate you because of my daughter. I could be wrong and it could just be me being paranoid again, but it was surely the same feeling I used to get that made me uncomfortable around him before .. god I hope I’m wrong …

Well I’ve talked enough for now to do some more coughing ..


P.S Redsox Magic # is 2 games!


Emily said...

I just wanted to tell you how happy, and how proud I am of you.
The peace you are feeling now inside is radiating from this blog post, I can feel it even through my little laptop.
You may have little set-backs now and again (doesn't everybody?) but your leaps and bounds forward are wonderful!
Three cheers for you, Karyn Ann.

Emily said...

feel better soon! :o)