One of the main things about dealing with transition is the idea that we need other people to see us as our own identified gender. That is for me to be seen as female and for the most part that does tend to happen quite a bit. The second part of the equation is the ability for us to look in the mirror and physically see the person we need to see. This seems to be one of the harder parts of transition to attain as we see our changes very slowly and we don’t identify them as easily as someone who hasn’t seen you for a period of time.
For me I now walk by the mirror and I am seeing it, I am slowly finally seeing Kev disappear and I’m more comfortable with that than I was when I started. I remember a year ago looking in the mirror, getting depressed because all I could see was a guy looking back at me, not what I needed to see. It would seem in some small way I’ve made progress I guess.
I recently read a blog that made me think a bit. It certainly stood out to me because I personally had thought about this exact thing from time to time.
Back when I was in my teens and twenties I never had great self-esteem. I was outgoing, friendly and had a certain amount of charisma. I certainly had people drawn to me because of my nature. But what people were allowed to see was a shell of what I allowed out in the open. I think back and remember how I was very insecure about how I looked. I fully understand that all teens go through awkward states of being concerned about there looks. The fact is that I never considered myself to be a good-looking guy.
It’s funny to look back at now for several reasons. When I see pictures of me back then now I now realize that I was a really good looking kid. While I see a good looking kid I do see someone who was lost in their life and not feeling like they fit in properly. It’s kind of funny to think that counseling and almost 2 years of estrogen opened up my eyes enough to realize that I wasn’t the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be.
This doesn’t mean that I would change one thing about my current progress, it just means that I can see things a little more clearly for what they really were now. I really need to take that lesson and apply it to present day conditions.
Yesterday I walked by the mirror and saw Karyn plain as day looking back at me. Nothing special, jogging pants girls T-shirt and my hair down just relaxing at home. Still there it was looking me plain in the face. I didn’t see Kevin, I didn’t see a guy I finally saw Karyn without the after effect of past days or ghost images. It was a calming feeling to see it that plainly.
I look back now at those old pictures and it almost seems like someone else now. They are no longer emotions, just stories of my life. I’ll never be ashamed of who I was, it makes me who I am. I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I am going, I’ll just be the best me I can …