Dec 4, 2007

working through a scary day

This morning I am emotionally and physically drained. I am drained to the point of wondering if I have the strength to stay on the path that I am on. It’s not that I am in a poor me mode but in the last 24 hours I’ve dealt with so much emotional stain that I’m wondering what’s right.
Yesterday after prodding my wife to go to the Dr I got a scary phone call asking me to pick her up and take her to the local hospital. Possible Diagnosis- Meningitis. When I heard this I would be lying to you if I did not admit my blood ran cold with the fear of not only my wife having a deadly disease but the possibility that I too was exposed.

A million things run through your mind when you are out in a position of wondering if you are about to lose someone you love. IT is not only scary but it is probably one of the most draining emotions I’ve ever dealt with, sitting in a hospital room waiting for a diagnosis.

6 hours in a hospital room, Blood tests, X-rays as cat scan and finally a spinal tap revealed that she had nothing more than some sort of viral infection. It would take a few days for her to feel better, at least the prognosis wasn’t the worst that it could have been.

As all of this unfolded we were in the midst of a winter storm. Snow was blanketing the ground and turning everything into a Christmas shade of white, very festive indeed. By the time I had walked through the door last night at 7:30 PM, I had been going since 5 am with only scrambled eggs for breakfast in my system. I had no desire to clean the snow from our driveway or walkways and certainly no energy to do it either.

I rolled out of bed this am, struggled with the snow blower, struggled with the shovel and realized how much my strength had changed. I also realized how much of a team Dee and I really are. When we are together we are unstoppable. Remove one of us from the equation and it is like a car with a missing wheel, it just doesn’t work right. Before this would have not been an issue for me.

As the snow flew from the hopper of the blower this am I reflected on the events of the last 24 hours and what it not only had done to me emotionally but physically. I’ve always been able to easily take care of my family, it is something that was just my responsibility and I accepted their well being over mine for the better part of 23 years. As I was attempting to clean the white clutter from the driveway I realized that while my love of my family hasn’t been altered, my ability to take care of them and not be dependent on them has been altered.

I love who I am becoming more than anything and I cherish my wife for allowing me to be who not only I believe I am, but who she believes I am as well. But I had to ask myself at what expense? I still try to be everything I was for the people who I love but the fact is that I am now part of the dependency to need help from them. I often wonder if I am doing them a disservice by not being their rock instead of them being mine and yes, that makes me feel guilty.

I guess I still have things to sort out .. I need to figure out what’s most important, my sanity or my family

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