Dec 6, 2007

Needing rest and some other thoughts

Well things are slowly getting back to normal, Diane’s feeling better and I’m slowly feeling more like myself. When I wrote that last blog my tank was running on empty for several reasons. I was emotionally drained from the fear of losing my wife. Monday I had risen at 5 am and only eaten scrambled eggs the entire day and I didn’t stop running until 7:30 that night only to have to get up and clear now in a 200 foot driveway alone.

All these things added up to me being in a very poor frame of mind, I simply wasn’t rested enough to be objective. When I wrote that. This isn’t to lessen the fact that those were my feelings at the time. I’ve come to the realization though that I need to learn how to do things differently now. I know that my body has changed, it isn’t the same as it was 2 years ago. I still do things like I always had dome them out of habit and I get frustrated when that doesn’t work to my advantage. It’s something I really need to learn to identify and work around now.

Like anyone when I become fatigued things build up, be it reality or in my head. It is something else that I’ve come to understand over the last 2 years. Being well rested is not a luxury anymore it is a necessity and it goes hand in hand with my ability to cope with everyday life.
I got a letter from a friend out of the blue who read my blog and gave me what I’ll refer too as an ass kicking. I deserved it and everything he said in his email was right. What struck me about the email is how open he was to the fact that what I’m doing is right for me. I know it’s there, I feel it everyday, but for someone else to say "Hey, you have no options here you need to go forward" was surprising.

So the bottom line is that Dee is ok and I’m slowly getting back to normal. To me that should be what’s most important.

Last night was what I refer to as a session when talking to people who know me. It’s one of my monthly counseling sessions that are required to not only deal with the GID and Transition, but help me work through any problems I may be having with it. I’d be lying if I’ve ever made this sound easy, it’s not by any stretch of the imagination. What I can tell you is every step is an emotional reward.

Generally on counseling session night I go the extra mile to look nice. I take extra time to take care of my hair and face and look rather presentable. Last night was no different and I have to admit I felt pretty good going to the session. But one of the things we discussed was that very topic. IE Dressing

I recently read a post on a BB I am on for transgender people asking why it is once TR women transition they change. They don’t seem to worry about clothing and makeup much, they don’t stay active in the community and they simply fade into society (Otherwise known as stealth)
The first part of the question is something I can answer easily. When I was confused about who I was and where I was going in life I needed specific things to not only identify with who I felt I was, but those things made me feel more normal for a small amount of time. Clothing, makeup or even something as simply as a nice smelling skin cream was an anesthetic for me. Removing these articles from my life surmounted to the anesthetic wearing off and the pain coming back.

These items were necessities in my life and without taking care of those needs I couldn’t function. This isn’t to say that life was completely normal it just seemed to help a bit. It helped me find me for a few hours here and there.

Looking back now after almost 2 yrs of hormones, countless hours of therapy I can say those things have changed a great deal for me. I no longer need those things to feel normal, they are just a part of my life. Before getting dressed meant fully dressed, clothing, makeup and most things to bring out that inner feeling I had.

I get out of bed now feeling that I am who I am. I know deep down in my mind I am female, I’ve always been that regardless of the exterior. The difference now though is that I don’t need materialistic things to give me that feeling. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that I still don’t like those things but now they simply do not define who I am. Instead of these things being needed they are finally able to be a choice in my life. If I wake up and feel like just wearing a T-shirt and jeans I can and I can do it without feeling like I need to do more to be normal.

The stealth part is a funny one because I cannot speak form experience yet but can relate to what I’ve not only seen but also how I personally feel about it. For those who are unaware stealth is the idea that once we transition we just fade into society living like anyone else without having the TG tag. We are simply our gender like anyone else and we don’t need to to let others know of our past unless we have too.

The goal of most TG people seems to be stealth, I know it was a target for me. I think that slowly changed when I watch Annah Moore for a period and saw how she handled herself in public. Annah does not scream from the rooftops that she made this change but yet she is proud enough to not hide it either. This is a quality that I not only have admired but it is one that I aspire to be. While I once saw myself as trying to be stealth I now see myself helping others.

The first steps of that proof are the writings on this blog detailing my intimate changes, something 2 years ago that I would have been ashamed to do. I’m proud of where I have come and hope that the next person behind me will see that example and step up to the plate.

Lastly I just want to touch on something about stealth that I find not only hilarious but a tag ignorant at the same time. I’ve read numerous posts from people who think they if they saw a TG person that they would know it the moment they saw them, after all how can you miss a 200+ pound man in stilettos and a miniskirt. Sorry got news for ya people, we’re just like you and not all of us stand out. I am proof of that in the sense of being read female when dressed as a male!!

Heck you might even know someone trans yet not actually know anything ….

Be good and happy holidays..

Oh screw it ..Merry Christmas !!

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