Jan 9, 2009

Just an update

It has been a long time since there was a true update around here, I guess I just kind of went into a little cocoon for a while and enjoyed just being. As was pointed out to me it's time to be a little creative again and come up with something to read. (Like I'm an interesting person or something)

I look back on 2008 fondly. I set out to walk a path and yet every step I tried to forge in the sand found me putting my foot exactly where a sister before me had been. I felt as though I'd never leave my mark in the sand but the most amazing thing happened when I looked back at the tracks …

I realized that there were footprints beside mine! All of us currently that is walking this path, together. There's no need for me to leave a mark when it's done so much better by all of us. I've suddenly become more at peace with the process I guess because I realize I have friends to make that mark with me ..

Jan 08 was one of those non-committal type of months. Ok I'll go fulltime in Jan, ok maybe not. It had gotten to the point that it didn't feel like 08 was going to be my year, I just wasn't emotionally ready to make the leap. Then Feb, March, April

It hit me sometime around late April in something Annah Moore had said to me over the holidays. I asked her how I set a fulltime date and hold myself accountable to it. It seemed like I could set the date but just continued to get cold feet in the process. Annah's Answer was awesome.

Apply for your name change!

OMG that was perfect! If I got a court date it was either do it or I probably never wood and I proceeded to do just that. Karyn became official in July 08 and went fulltime in November. I've been incredibly blessed with supportive family and friends. Some of which I see everyday and some I've never had the pleasure to meet face to face (Em) and I'm dying too. Without those people forging footsteps in the sand, holding my hands, I would have never found the courage to make the leap. I will never forget the emotional content that 2008 has given me.

2009 looks like it will be a quiet year for me. I say that now but it never seems to happen. The direction that I see is nothing more than just enjoying the year as myself with no major goals in mind. I'll take things as they come!

Dee and I had a crazy day last weekend that involved me dialing 911 for the police. We had stopped off to get some prescriptions at our local CVS and then walked over to the grocery store when I noticed yelling in the parking lot. A group of teens standing outside of a pickup yelling in at the driver telling him to "get the fuck outta the truck so I can kill you" stuff. Gawd I've come to hate the testosterone driven male teen mentality.

It turned into a big fight and I dialed 911. Everything was cool until the dispatcher said, ok sire may I have your name .. um, eh, yeah …

When the cops came down an interviewed Dee and I the cop said "Ok ladies" I need to take your statement." Hmm I guess that makes up for it .. (note to self 2009 goal~ work on my damn voice~) We received a phone call later that evening stating there had been 2 arrests made, thank you for getting involved and oh yeah you may be called to testify in court!! Oh yay …

I just did what I thought was right and regardless I'd do it again!

Next week is the annual music industry show in Anaheim California. I've forged some incredible friendships going to this show to the point it has turned into friends getting together to party for 4 days. Dee and I hope a plane for L.A this coming Thursday for the show and friends. While everyone knows this is the first official time that "Karyn" goes as when I last saw the others they knew the name but it wasn't legalized.

This trip has been weighing heavy on my mind as of late. I'm soo looking forward to seeing my friends, new equipment, partying with rockstars and such but there is one thins that is nagging me. Where I fit in now.

It was always easy for me before in one sense and hard in another. I learned to forge a persona to fit in with the guys, it's what we do to survive. All my friendships were driven by male freidns and I understood how I fit into the group as a whole. I understood that I had to act a certain way to "fit" in as a stereotypical male. This time I'm going back but I'm going back as me, as Karyn and I haven't quite figured out how Karyn "fits" into the group anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends, they are some f the best people you would ever want to know so it isn't that. But for me personally or mostly emotionally I have changed. I need different things out of my relationships emotionally than I did before and that is something that scares me. It makes me feel like I'm 13 again trying to see where I fit into life.

I know it'll all work out and I know my friends don't give a hoot what I'm wearing or what I look like, they love me for me. At times though it gets hard personally feeling like you are obligated to be a certain way or fit in a certain way …. We'll see how it goes ..

After NAMM I'll be going down to spend a few days with my brother. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He has a brand new daughter that I've never seen and I miss him dearly. He hasn't seen me since the news broke so well again see how that goes .. .

Now I need to decide what I'm taking with me for the trip!


Hope you're all well ..



emilyjonesmusic.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
emilyjonesmusic.com said...

oh geez, Karyn. LOL! why do you worry about fitting in at a GUITAR convention when you are a GUITARIST?
that is the craziest thing i've heard all day.

silly goof. you're Karyn, and you play guitar.
and if you're worried about looks... again, you're a guitarist. that's an automatic trump right there. ;)

now go and represent us lady axe-slingers, sister!

VĂ©ronique said...

Nice wrap-up! Yeah, in some ways we feel 13 again, don't we, working things out all over again, except differently this time. You'll find what you need. For me, it hurts a bit but it's also fun.

Hope you and Dee have a great time!

Samantha said...

So glad to see you back Sis! Glad you're doing well, and I'm glad you're here walking with the rest of us too!

Yeah, 13 again? I even have one 13 year old friend. I've become the big sister she never really had (despite having an older sister) and something of a role model for her. Because of the holidays and such, she hadn't seen me in two weeks and came running in to give me a hug. My brother just looks at me know and again and say's "Damn, you really have changed. Not only can you keep up with her but it doesn't make you want to kill yourself."

She's cool, and she's really very, very, bright and so not fitting into where she is. She's really like 13 going on 40. Plus she's frickin funny.

Anyway, yeah, I still periodically feel like I'm thirteen. Especially when I go to buy alcohol. I've been carded more in the last three years, than in the 30 before that. Plus I'm still learning, growing, fitting into the life I thought I'd never have.

Grinding an axe baby, that's how you fit in. You'll probably fit in better than you used to because as I understand it, guy's really dig chicks who can kick it with them. You don't quite realize it my dear, but you are girlfriend material of the hat trick variety. you drive a pony car, AND A HOG, and you can shred with the guys and look awesome doing it. Dee's going to beating the boy of with a big old chain.

Sure you may have some people who are gonna do the whole "Yeah, you like to play with guitars? That's nice." But they will be singing a different tune the moment you start playing. Your buds? They are going to be fine. I'm willing to be they are probably going to think you play BETTER now. Why?

Because you're playing, all of you, you won't be holding anything back like you used to, you'll have access to the richness and depth of how you're feeling that you never really had before. You'll also have the last year of your life, coming out in the music, what it all means to you. I think, there's a chance, if you get the opportunity to jam with your Buds, that they might even say "Damn girl, playing like that you shoulda done this years aog!!! Wow!!!"

Just my thoughts on the subject.

As to walking with folks, I love that thought, and I really feel it now like I never really have before. Which is why I changed the followers/follows thing on my blog. A secret for you. Yes, I started this journey of mine five years ago, and to a small extent I felt like part of a community because of Annah, Donna and a small handful of other incredible women. It's only really been this year for me that I really feel like I'm walking with folks, with sister's who really get this. Why? Because of blogging. So yeah, It's so cool to be walking with you.

Speaking of Annah, you might ask her about Shredding with friends and people you used to 'back in the day' since she's been there done that a while back. Have you read her blog from the beginning? Read her book? She's really great when it comes to expressing herself and sharing what it all felt like. I know you know she's awesome, but that girl kicks too.

Hunh, speaking of dear Annah, I just realized she's not on my blog list, and I'm not sure how that happened. She was... I have to go fix that.

Thanks for walking that beach with me, I really appreciate it. Rye beach, North Hampton, oh, damn, now I'm really homesick . . . I miss my beach!

P.S. The captch is Micaltis, which I'd like to imagine is a new drug for narrow minded bigots, sot the world can become a richer, more diverse, loving place . . . "You might say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one . . ." Take it away John! Karyn can get your back on guitar. . .

Lori D said...

enjoyed JUST BEING, huh?

Awesome. Freaking awesome. That's what we all can't wait for, I think.