It has been a long time since there was a true update around here, I guess I just kind of went into a little cocoon for a while and enjoyed just being. As was pointed out to me it's time to be a little creative again and come up with something to read. (Like I'm an interesting person or something)
I look back on 2008 fondly. I set out to walk a path and yet every step I tried to forge in the sand found me putting my foot exactly where a sister before me had been. I felt as though I'd never leave my mark in the sand but the most amazing thing happened when I looked back at the tracks …
I realized that there were footprints beside mine! All of us currently that is walking this path, together. There's no need for me to leave a mark when it's done so much better by all of us. I've suddenly become more at peace with the process I guess because I realize I have friends to make that mark with me ..
Jan 08 was one of those non-committal type of months. Ok I'll go fulltime in Jan, ok maybe not. It had gotten to the point that it didn't feel like 08 was going to be my year, I just wasn't emotionally ready to make the leap. Then Feb, March, April
It hit me sometime around late April in something Annah Moore had said to me over the holidays. I asked her how I set a fulltime date and hold myself accountable to it. It seemed like I could set the date but just continued to get cold feet in the process. Annah's Answer was awesome.
Apply for your name change!
OMG that was perfect! If I got a court date it was either do it or I probably never wood and I proceeded to do just that. Karyn became official in July 08 and went fulltime in November. I've been incredibly blessed with supportive family and friends. Some of which I see everyday and some I've never had the pleasure to meet face to face (Em) and I'm dying too. Without those people forging footsteps in the sand, holding my hands, I would have never found the courage to make the leap. I will never forget the emotional content that 2008 has given me.
2009 looks like it will be a quiet year for me. I say that now but it never seems to happen. The direction that I see is nothing more than just enjoying the year as myself with no major goals in mind. I'll take things as they come!
Dee and I had a crazy day last weekend that involved me dialing 911 for the police. We had stopped off to get some prescriptions at our local CVS and then walked over to the grocery store when I noticed yelling in the parking lot. A group of teens standing outside of a pickup yelling in at the driver telling him to "get the fuck outta the truck so I can kill you" stuff. Gawd I've come to hate the testosterone driven male teen mentality.
It turned into a big fight and I dialed 911. Everything was cool until the dispatcher said, ok sire may I have your name .. um, eh, yeah …
When the cops came down an interviewed Dee and I the cop said "Ok ladies" I need to take your statement." Hmm I guess that makes up for it .. (note to self 2009 goal~ work on my damn voice~) We received a phone call later that evening stating there had been 2 arrests made, thank you for getting involved and oh yeah you may be called to testify in court!! Oh yay …
I just did what I thought was right and regardless I'd do it again!
Next week is the annual music industry show in Anaheim California. I've forged some incredible friendships going to this show to the point it has turned into friends getting together to party for 4 days. Dee and I hope a plane for L.A this coming Thursday for the show and friends. While everyone knows this is the first official time that "Karyn" goes as when I last saw the others they knew the name but it wasn't legalized.
This trip has been weighing heavy on my mind as of late. I'm soo looking forward to seeing my friends, new equipment, partying with rockstars and such but there is one thins that is nagging me. Where I fit in now.
It was always easy for me before in one sense and hard in another. I learned to forge a persona to fit in with the guys, it's what we do to survive. All my friendships were driven by male freidns and I understood how I fit into the group as a whole. I understood that I had to act a certain way to "fit" in as a stereotypical male. This time I'm going back but I'm going back as me, as Karyn and I haven't quite figured out how Karyn "fits" into the group anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends, they are some f the best people you would ever want to know so it isn't that. But for me personally or mostly emotionally I have changed. I need different things out of my relationships emotionally than I did before and that is something that scares me. It makes me feel like I'm 13 again trying to see where I fit into life.
I know it'll all work out and I know my friends don't give a hoot what I'm wearing or what I look like, they love me for me. At times though it gets hard personally feeling like you are obligated to be a certain way or fit in a certain way …. We'll see how it goes ..
After NAMM I'll be going down to spend a few days with my brother. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He has a brand new daughter that I've never seen and I miss him dearly. He hasn't seen me since the news broke so well again see how that goes .. .
Now I need to decide what I'm taking with me for the trip!
Hope you're all well ..