Little surprises make the world go round.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to share this until just now. I've been mulling around being selfish and keeping it to myself or sharing it. The thing is that as selfish as I want to be, this was such a loving gesture that I really need to share it and give thanks.

I went to the mailbox recently and in there was a letter addressed tome from my sister. It was in a card envelope so my first reaction was that it was an invitation to a family event, I certainly wasn't prepared for the contents and it touched me very deeply when I opened it and read it.

Inside the envelope was the following poem~

Sisters
It's good it's bad- it's happy it's sad
It's often misunderstood
It's love, it's war it's so much more-
This thing called sisterhood

Serene Sensational
Incredible Inspirational
Superb Sincere
True Throughout the year!!
Educated Exceptional
Radiant Respectable
Simply Sisters both dear!!

We're cried on we're relied on,
We're sisters until the end.
We hear, we share-we dare to care,
We're family and we're friends

Love Tammy
When I read it I was taken back. When in the middle of transition my sister and I reconnected I had such a hard time with whether I should tell her about her little brother's secret. I've labored because Tammy and I have always been close and it was something I had been afraid to damage. I know it wasn't easy for her to understand when I told her. I was expecting the worst like most trans people do. But I was pleasantly amazed when she told me that it would take sometime for her to get used to it and try to understand it.

As time and questions would flow she would start referring to me as her sister in emails. She never wanted to burden me with her bad days, only if to make sure I was ok in my new life. She's never asked anything of me and always made sure to be there if I needed to talk. I cannot and would not ever ask for a better sister than my sister Tammy. From the time we were young till now she has always been dear in my heart. In fact, she was there for the birth of my daughter.

You can understand how a letter like this can hit you. It's a warm feeling not only being loved but accepted and included such as this. This is one of those gestures that is not only moving but is significant enough to be framed and put on my wall to remind me that I have a beautiful, loving sister who will always be there for me.

Tammy, I thank you for this gift from the bottom of my heart and I love you dearly …
Your Sis Karyn XOXO

Taking a look around, re-evaluation

I guess you could say I've been on a bit of a sabbatical recently, a self imposed one at that. I kind of felt like it was time for a reevaluation after some minor things got into my head. For some it would simply meaning turning the corner and moving on to the next phases of my life and for others it would be assumed that I'm distancing myself. I can assure that isn't the case.

After some soul searching recently I realized that beyond the economy, layoffs, etc that there was something else gnawing at my soul. I've been wearing the "trans" sign a little too much and not learning to just be Karyn. This became apparent to me several weeks ago after a minor difference in point of view with a friend and some talking with another one to get things into perspective. For trans people, I am simply one of them and should be proud of who I am, no doubt I am but I'm learning that I'm not proud because I'm part of a community like that; I'm proud because I'm a good person and people like me for who I am, not what I'm defined as.

Over the last 3 years there had been a blurring of lines for me Male/Female/Transgender and I was allowing the final part to not only identify me, it was creating havoc with me emotionally. I had lost the feeling of being female for a movement or to break it down, I lost my own unique identity in lieu of being unified under a label.

In doing this, my fear every time I stepped out of the house was that someone would "figure" me out or guess my secret. The reality is that I needed to step out of the house just being Karyn. To some degree I had started to step backward. I've since learned that I need to focus more on the things I have in common with the people in my life and less on the things that label what I'm going through. That's the key, what I'm going through, not who I am. Lately since this has sunk in I am getting back to that sense of peace that I had felt like I was starting to lose again. As a whole, I'll have more conversations about things like music, clothes, guitars, makeup, shoes etc and a lot less about being "trans"

One of the things that have been irking Diane and I is the idea that I need to thank my lucky stars I have her because most women wouldn't stay. To some degree I understand this point of view but honestly, I'm not as lucky as people think. It's sad that people need to put boundaries on things like love. Isn't it possible that not only am I lucky to be loved by Diane but she by me? Don't I bring a lot to the table that makes her want to be with me? At what point did our relationship become so one sided that I needed to be "grateful" that she didn't dump me. Honestly, the more we hear this comment, the more insulted we are becoming by it. For the 2 of us, love is love and it isn't defined by what's between our legs. Sex is great but lets face it, it's a fraction of our lives together and I've not gotten a lobotomy people, smarten up, it is insulting to infer that she is in love with my penis, no wonder lesbians actually "get it" …

Things at work and with friends personally have been going well but I am starting to get frustrated with people not making the change over. There have been a few instances these past few weeks that really stick out.

A friend of mine here keeps calling me "Kev" and "he, him" etc. I am trying to be patient with him because he's just getting up to speed and he says he supports me but here's the kicker. When it comes time to make a joke "He'll put his hand up in the air over something I've said and say ..sheesh, women" . Why is it he can get the pronouns correct in jest?

Out to dinner with friends recently (Who are supportive) my friends wife referred to me as "He" several times. I could see Diane cringe when it happened. Right after she had done this, the waitress came over to take our orders and when she turned to Diane and I she simply asked "And what can I get you ladies"

YES! Vindication! Hopefully she picked up on it!

This week I had a hair appointment for a haircut, root touch up and I finally loosened up a bit to have a little fun. I needed to get some of the old "rock and roll" me back so I had a few blond patches added in my hair. I'm thinking it looks pretty cool and matches a little more of what my personality was like before I started transition.
In the local news recently a few big issues have come up that are noteworthy

Massachusetts has loosened up its policy on driver's licenses and now you can have your gender marker changed to reflect your gender identity provided you have proper documentation that you are being treated for GID. Kind of makes me wish I were living back in Mass now for just that privilege.

Mass and NH are now in process of debating and trying to get Gender Identity protections against discrimination. I was asked to speak at the NH statehouse in regards to this but I couldn't take the time off from work right now. I did however hear that the bill had no opposition in attendance! Woot, maybe we are finally going to be on equal footing!

Other than those life just kind of sails along and I'm just trying to be. The next thing I'm hoping for is the end of winter and the demise of snow .. just sayin ..

Hope you're well

~K~

Hiking today

Feb 4

Happy birthday to my darling Dee! I grow to love you more with each
passing day!

Xoxo your Karyn

Sunday Mon Tues home

Waking up Sunday morning was going to be a mixed bag for me. On one hand I was going to spend time with my little brother who I missed dearly (I hadn't seen him in 4 years) and the flip side was leaving friends I really adore for another extended amount of time. Normally we only see each other once a year unless we work something else in. Luckily I talk to Kristi everyday but sometimes it would be nice to have her and Todd a lot closer because she gives me the kick in the ass I need.

Diane and I got up, ate breakfast, showered and packed. We made our first stop and Brad and Sherie's room to say our goodbyes and drop off the corona's left in our fridge and then off for a few minutes with Todd and Kristi. As we were getting ready to head down to the lobby my brother Rob showed up and reality set in, it was really time to say good bye. It always seem weird to me that we live so far apart and yet we are such a part of each other that when we get the time together it's a blast.

Off to Rob's house we headed and time to not only spend time with my brother but my nieces and my sister in law. I could not ask for better family then this bunch of Maynard's. From the time I saw Rob till the time I went home he had no problem using my new name, introducing me to friends and inlaws as his sister, it was quite toughing and very refreshing.  Early on I was very worried about how my brother would take my news, it was very unfounded on my part.

Tuesday was our day to head home, kind of depressing considering we had been with good friends, awesome family and great mid 80's weather. When we landed in Manchester airport the temp was 18 degrees and the car was covered in snow in the airport parking. After getting our luggage, getting to the car, cleaning it off and heading home it was about midnight by the time we pulled down our street. What's worse was that we had 13" of snow while we were gone and nowhere to put  our car without cleaning the entrance to the driveway where the plow left a wall of snow. At that point all I could picture was the cops pulling up wanting to know why I was running a snowblower at 12:30 am!!

All in all it was a good trip with some ups and downs, but it also gave me some answers I needed. Those answers make it all good in my book even with a few rough spots …

 

~K~

Sat Jan 17th NAMM

Saturday morning started out similar to Friday with a few exceptions. Our friends came down to breakfast with us this morning and we spent quite a bit of time in the dining room just talking. It's not hard to pass time with these friends; we always seem to have a blast together. I only wish we lived closer to each other.

One of the things that realize about me emotionally regarding transition is that I need to take better care of myself. I tend to get worn out much easier and when I tire things seems to be accented in a much grander way. This was probably part of the reason that Brad and Howie's conversation hit me as it did.

Add in waking at 3am on Thursday morning after getting to bed at 1 am. Leaving for the airport at 4am, boarding a plane to N. Carolina and then another to Cali, staying up late with friends and yet still waking up at my normal 6am and well, I'm pretty worn out. Amplify it to 2 days and I'm a basket case so Saturday in the dining room makes a lot more sense to me.

As we were sitting at our table a table not far away had some other people from our group. In that group was the guitarist for a metal band called "Jack Frost" I could feel the same thing I had felt the previous day and looked directly at the table. At the point I caught the conversation Jack was being told about me and he snapped his head over with his mouth wide open in a no f'in way type of look.

Now the first thing that should enter my mind is that the only reason they "know" about me is because they know me from the group, otherwise I would not have been the topic of conversation. When my brain rationalizes thought on little sleep it tends to go to an extreme so when Dee and I got back to our room I had a breakdown and lost it. I cryed hysterically for a while and that was the nature of the post where people got incredibly concerned about me and were trying to get hold of me.

In hindsight I understand where my head was at and I know that being that run down had a huge impact on my emotions that day. My general resistance to bullshit tends to be quite low and I need to pay more attention to that in the future.

After getting dressed (A little more conservatively) we headed out to the show. Kristi gave me shit about my choice in bras again lol. Saturday I was more determined to talk to the people I needed to speak with and had some really good conversations with the crew at Jackson and charvel, drank a lot of bloody mary's and had a lot of fun.

Later in the afternoon we were hanging out when we bumped into some of the members of Gary Hoeys band. Gary is a reasonably well know guitarist who made his original mark remaking such songs as focus and linus and lucy. Gary lives not far from Diane and I and generally every time we bump into him we chat. It had gotten to the point he knew us on site and would always make it a point to talk to us. This particular encounter would be different!

As soon as we realized Gary was nearby we headed over to say hi and see how he was. He saw Dianr and came over to hug her right away and started to chat with her, when he realized I was standing there he gave me a hug but it was at this point I realized things were slightly different. Gary didn't recognize me this time. As I tried to explain that he knew me he simply wasn't figuring it out and then one of his entourage called him because he had to be at an event. When he said his good byes he leaned over to give Diane a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then proceeded to give me a hug …. And a kiss on the cheek!

Ok in one sense one could say that it was the ultimate compliment, he saw me as I needed to be seen. As a female! But not being into guys and actually living as one at one time being kissed by him was a new experience that I wasn't prepared for. Talk about having conflicting feelings. The more I've thought about it the happier I am that even someone who actually knew me simply saw me as a woman, that's the jewel in the whole thing.

Not long after Dave Navarro of the red hot chili peppers and janes addiction came walking by. He was not more than 5 feet from me so I snapped a quick picture.

After I took the picture I heard someone in the group say there's Tommy Thayer. I've never met Tommy and for those who may not know, he is the current Ace in the band Kiss. Kiss was one of my favorite bands growing up and Ace was the reason I picked up electric guitar in 1978. It had bothered me quite a bit that Tommy is wearing Ace Frehleys makeup in the band now.

As Tommy was walking by I said Hi to him in passing and he actually stopped to talk to me. I didn't try to stop him, I didn't really even try to grab his attention, it was just a simple "Hi" I have to admit that as much as I hate the idea of him wearing Ace's makeup now, He was an incredibly nice guy and very down to earth.

After the show closed on Saturday we headed over to the Sheraton for some drinks and to catch the Andy Timmons Band, Paul Gilbert Band and the reformed RacerX. All in all it was a great show and one of those shows that you can only experience by going to NAMM.

After getting out of the show it was late enough that we decided to head back to the hotel. All of us had been in some serious foot and back pain form standing for so long so we had decided to grab a cab back to the hotel and Todd flagged the cab down. I should have been aggravated by what the drive pulled but it was so comical to me I just had to laugh.

After getting in a the cab and starting toward the hotel Todd asked the cabbie why he hadn't flipped the flag on the cab for the meter. Cabby responded that it was a flat rate of $10! $8 for the ride and $2 for the tip. Todd being from Chicago was smart enough to have no part of that and asked where it was posted. "It's not posted sir, it's just a policy"

Todd kept pushing the fact with the driver and even threatened to take his hack number and turn him in for it. The driver finally said fine, no charge sir but even Todd having good moral values just wanted to not get ripped off and wanted to be treated fairly. We gave the driver $8

Up the the room, some stupid raman cup o soup and off to bed we went.

Barring the emotional bullshit it had been a good day and I'm feeling good about things. Looking back on it I'm sure due to being overtired I made a mountain out of a molehill but hey, it happens to all of us from time to time. .

~K~

Friday Sept 16th

As mentioned in the Thursday post we had 3 women with us that have a very strong presence at times and they will tell you how it is. One of the issues that has plagued me is the fact that I now have a chest and I have a hard time having it show when I am with people who knew me before. In those instances I tend to wear a sports bra that pushes the girls down and sure enough my friend Sherrie called me on it.

Sherrie told me that when someone was intentionally trying to swear something that is smaller and hold them down that is stands out worse giving the opposing effect. In other words Karyn, you're not fooling anyone. It's hard to let the people who knew you one way see you in a totally different way and I tend to be self conscious about that.

Friday morning when Dee and I awoke we got up and headed downstairs for the included breakfast that the hotel serves. After we were finished and started back up to the room we stopped at our friends room briefly and headed back to ours for a shower. Today I had every intention of taking Sherries' advice and wearing my normal bra.

After getting dressed and asking Dee what she thought she pointed out that I had what appeared to be a red splotch on my cheek. That meant it would be a foundation day for sure. Foundation is a funny thing with me, some days my skin look very uneven to me and others it looks fine, today was one of those day that my skin wasn't going to play nice.

After getting ready and meeting up with the others we caught the shuttle over to the convention center and decided to head right up to the Charvel/Jackson booth. The big day had arrived and I had been incredibly nervous because I wasn't sure if anyone knew about what was up with me. Last time I was at the show I was Kevin, not Karyn. One of the issues I had previously been concerned over was how I would now fit into the group in a different manner and this was to be a big part of that concern.

I spent a lot of time building friendships and working relationships with some rather well known people from Musicians all the way up to major guitar builders. For a very long time I had worried that those friendships would suffer and I'd be shunned so when we entered the booth I had the biggest butterflies I'd had in a long time.

As we entered Mike noticed Diane and immediately came over and gave her a hug. Mike is a well know luthier who has worked and built guitars for some of the most famous people in the business. I am lucky enough to have several of his guitars but more so I had been lucky enough to consider Mike a friend.

After hugging Diane and talking to her, Mike turned and went back about his business as a rep for the company and then it hit me. Mike didn't even recognize me. I'd have to say that was probably one of the hardest things for me. I can totally understand why but I spent a lot of time nurturing those relationships and now I was virtually unknown … not cool .

Todd came over and asked me if I was going to talk to the guys and I replied that I probably wouldn't because apparently nobody knew, maybe it just wasn't the place. Todd explained to me that I was going to have to do it sooner or later and sooner would be better. At that point I swallowed my nerves and decided to say Hi to Mike.

I walked over and stood about 5 or 6 feet from Mike, he looked over at me, nodded and looked away. Geez I thought, this is going to be tougher than I thought. When he looked back at me the 2^nd time he had a puzzled "why are you staring at me" look on his face. At that point I finally let the words roll over my lips. "Mike, you're not getting it are you" Mike looked at me again with a puzzled look and then all of a sudden it hit him, "omg I get it" he said. "You're looking a lot different" he stated. He appeared visibly stunned but I'll give him credit, he still seemed cool about it. At least I made some progress but it still kills me that I went from being known to being unknown so easily!

After a while and some walking around, several bloody marys and such we were standing off to the side when I noticed my friend Brad talking to his buddy Howie. Being an Empath and being very good at reading lips can be a bit of a bad thing at times. It became apparent that I was the topic of conversation and it hit me pretty hard. Was I being read? Was he not happy with me being there? All different things enter your head.

I did my best to pay attention after that throughout the day to see if people were ignoring me or whatever, I noticed no other "odd" looks but on a few occasions with friends I knew I was the topic of conversation.

I guess the highlight of Friday besides spending time with my friends was getting to see the Bangles do an acoustic set for daisy rock guitars. Emotionally it had been a terribly overwhelming day for me.

The Bangles

Suzzana Hoffs (Bangles)

At one point during the show we had been all standing around talking and one of the guys in the group who I didn't know looked incredibly familiar to me but I put no mind to it, I just assumed I had seen him with my friend before.

One of the girls suddenly blurted out "Ha, he looks just like that soup nazi dude from Seinfeld" when one of the guys in our group retorted "That's because he IS the soup nazi". It WAS him and the cool thing was that it was from my favorite Seinfeld episode, I just had to get a picture so Dee stood next to him and I snapped it. He seemed like a super nice guy and he was just in our group enjoying the show! Who would have thought .. right under our noses ..LOL

Larry Thomas (AKA The Soup Nazi)

~K~