This week will prove to be a rather big week politically for the state of NH. Just a few short weeks ago the NH House of Representatives took up several controversial bills regarding things such as the use of medical marijuana, repeal of the death penalty, same sex marriage and of course an anti discrimination bill to add gender identity to the states protections.
The first time HB 415 came to vote was towards the end of a long days session where a great deal of legislators had left for the day. The bill had been defeated by a 15 vote margin. I can tell you it was an emotionally crushing day. Several of the people involved are people I know personally that put their best efforts forward in getting the bill passed only to be defeated.
A few short days later a motion to reconsider the bill was brought back due to the lack of representation during the initial vote. The conservative side of the measure did everything they could to either delay or change the direction of the bill watering down its effect. At the end of the session HB 415 passed by one vote and my faith in the NH political system was again being restored.
Like most other states and municipalities who have past similar measures, the same cut throat lying techniques have been applied here in NH drawing attention from what the bills true intent is making it about whether as a trans person I should have access to a bathroom of all things.
How absurd it must be to assume that by protecting someone in transition that somehow a predator would use the law as a means to legally attack someone in a bathroom. Let's face it people anyone with an IQ above 10 can figure out that if they are going to break the law, they are going to do so no matter what. Instead it is easier to dehumanize people like me and make us so out of touch with reality that the "normal" people need to be protected from us.
It's easy to see in my everyday life that I do not belong in a men's restroom and quite honestly I am extremely uncomfortable by even the thought of having to do so. I have NEVER been comfortable with it. I've seen the argument that children should be exposed to "a man in a dress" in the ladies room and one conservative legislator even had the nerve in an email to a trans constituent to label it the "Corporal Klinger bill". For once I wish people would cast aside insane sensationalism and think logically.
You can be concerned about coming face to face with a man in dress all you want but chances are, you've already passed a trans person in your lives. Can you possibly imagine how confusing it could be to see a trans man in the womans room? People are so naïve that they treat our transitions as though we all stand out like a sore thumb which the reality is quite the opposite.
What would happen to a transsexual woman entering a public mens room dressed well with makeup on? Would she be put in danger? Would children in that restroom somehow be LESS confused by that?
Lets call a spade a spade here and state the obvious. If you are a man, you belong in the mens room. If you are a trans man you belong in the mensroom, if you are a trans woman you belong in the mens room. If you are a lesbian you belong in the mens room. If you are a butch looking female, yup ..yoo too shouldn't be I the womans rooom. How freaken stupid does all this sound? All for a bill designed at preventing people from losing their jobs? It is amazing what sensationalism will not only be applied too but the level of people that are so weak minded to actually THINK it has merit.
This Thursday HB 415 comes up before the NH senate for public hearing. I have already emailed all our senators requesting their support for this bill but again I am worried that even educated people will be swayed by the sensationalism of a few bigots. Human rights should never be put of for public opinion or vote. The right of a majority to suppress a minority is nothing more than tyranny in its most basic form.
These past few weeks I have been active on message boards across the state I've been called some of the most vile things by ignorant people and had to keep a positive attitude in the process. It hasn't been easy by I'm hoping that in the end this bill will prevail.
Here's moving towards Thursday!
~K~
Apr 20, 2009
Apr 15, 2009
Off to the eye Dr
I've been poked and prodded to share the following story and experience on my blog by my friend Cynthia. So, this is for her ..
In transition going into RLT "Real life test" one of the requirements is to change all your documentation into a gender appropriate name. This means going to the court and legally obtaining a name in your target gender, filing it with the DMV for a new license, SS for Govt issues, your financial and so forth. As thorough as one can be even after almost a year the old name still creeps up in areas that haven't been changed. In my case this past month it has been my eye Dr.
Every instance where I have had to change my name for an appointment the office had been notified of the change and noted my account. If they needed addition documentation they would usually say that they noted the account and just bring the new insurance card in at the next appointment. For instance when my dentist was notified they simply asked that I being in my new insurance card and that they had changed my account. They even used my new name 3 days before when they called to verify my appointment all without seeing my new card. I cannot stress how nice it is to not only have it go so smooth but have them call you and say .. Hi, Karyn has an appointment on!
Recently after my wife telling me that she wanted to go to contacts and looking into exactly what our insurance covered I decided it was time to go see the eye Dr as it had been about 3 years since my last appointment. I've never needed glasses but I've noticed in the last year or two that small print is becoming a bit tougher for me to focus on.
In other words .. it's time!
Now for the sake of the story I carry 3 separate types of insurance by different companies. Heath, Vision and Dental ..
When the call was made for the appointment it was realized that my name was never changed with the eye Dr's so Dee explained to them there had been a name change. Having done this with various other Dr's and services she has become accustomed to the old "We'll note the account" answer, but today she wouldn't hear that, instead she heard "Sorry we wont do that until you come in and provide your blue cross cards.
WHAT????
We have been going there long enough for the office to realize that we don't use blue cross for eye insurance, we use VSP! Under the terms of my eye insurance they need to verify make sure we have coverage for services provided and they have been doing this for years. This time they wanted my BCBS cards in ADDITION to my vision care cards.
When I asked Dee if she ever provided them before she said no, they never asked or needed them, so why all of a sudden am I being told they need them? They have no right to demand anything other than my ID and vision care of even the court order and I've refused to give them the cards.
The Friday before my appointment there was a call from the office to my home answering machine asking Kevin to please call back immediately upon receipt of this message.
Ok a couple of things to note ..
1) There is no Kevin that lives at my home or at that number. (unless the people asking had not been previously notified)
2) I was well aware when they tried to pre approve my VSP that they would get denied, after all they refused to use the name of the provider instead opting for my old name which has been changed on all insurance.
3) I wasn't calling them back! Enough is enough
I can only feel like this office had been less than accepting of my change. How hard was it to note the account that I would bring in a court order or whatever. So I set out to find a new eye Dr and succeeded in finding a really nice one.
When I got to the nee office I was handed a medical form, which I proceeded to fill out, and at the very top was the box M-F? When I looked at Dee and pointed it out she told me to just put F. Now normally I have no issue doing this but I am always confused in any health situation because you need to disclose medical status and medications, so I simply left it blank.
The Dr came out, asked for me and introduced herself to both Diane and I. She then took me into the exam room and proceeded to go over my medical history. Like most transsexuals I always face the dilemma of "to tell or not tell" but given the fact that I'm on HRT I felt it best to reveal. When she hit the medications listing I explained to her that I was TG and she looked at me with a stunned look on her face, jaw slightly open.
Dr- You mean you're um, you used to be a man and now you're a woman?
Me-Yup, that's exactly what it means with a grin on my face.
Dr- Um, wow I would have never guessed!!
When I explained that it can be tough because not everyone is accepting of it she seemed to be very compassionate to what we have deal with. She had also explained to me she had known one other but that person was a lot more obvious because they still had a lot of male characteristics in the face and proceeded to be wowed that I wasn't as obvious.
Normally because of my work I don't wear makeup, I don't wear anything extremely girlie. It's girl's jeans, girls T-shirt and usually my hair in a ponytail until I'm away from the machinery. So I guess to some degree I look tomboyish.
As she was getting ready to start the exam she put her hand on my arm and asked ":Do you mind if I'm totally honest with you?" I'm a very open and honest person so of course I said yes. She then reveals that when we walked in that she assumed Dee and I were a lesbian couple and that.. At that point I smiled and stopped her to finish her sentence. You thought I was the butch and she was the fem and she giggled and said yeah! .
All in all I found this Dr to be very open warm and accepting, someone I intend to use for my eyes for years to come. It's nice to find people like this in a world that constantly looks down on our plight!
Oh yeah, and now I need reading glasses, dammit I'm getting old!
~K~
In transition going into RLT "Real life test" one of the requirements is to change all your documentation into a gender appropriate name. This means going to the court and legally obtaining a name in your target gender, filing it with the DMV for a new license, SS for Govt issues, your financial and so forth. As thorough as one can be even after almost a year the old name still creeps up in areas that haven't been changed. In my case this past month it has been my eye Dr.
Every instance where I have had to change my name for an appointment the office had been notified of the change and noted my account. If they needed addition documentation they would usually say that they noted the account and just bring the new insurance card in at the next appointment. For instance when my dentist was notified they simply asked that I being in my new insurance card and that they had changed my account. They even used my new name 3 days before when they called to verify my appointment all without seeing my new card. I cannot stress how nice it is to not only have it go so smooth but have them call you and say .. Hi, Karyn has an appointment on!
Recently after my wife telling me that she wanted to go to contacts and looking into exactly what our insurance covered I decided it was time to go see the eye Dr as it had been about 3 years since my last appointment. I've never needed glasses but I've noticed in the last year or two that small print is becoming a bit tougher for me to focus on.
In other words .. it's time!
Now for the sake of the story I carry 3 separate types of insurance by different companies. Heath, Vision and Dental ..
When the call was made for the appointment it was realized that my name was never changed with the eye Dr's so Dee explained to them there had been a name change. Having done this with various other Dr's and services she has become accustomed to the old "We'll note the account" answer, but today she wouldn't hear that, instead she heard "Sorry we wont do that until you come in and provide your blue cross cards.
WHAT????
We have been going there long enough for the office to realize that we don't use blue cross for eye insurance, we use VSP! Under the terms of my eye insurance they need to verify make sure we have coverage for services provided and they have been doing this for years. This time they wanted my BCBS cards in ADDITION to my vision care cards.
When I asked Dee if she ever provided them before she said no, they never asked or needed them, so why all of a sudden am I being told they need them? They have no right to demand anything other than my ID and vision care of even the court order and I've refused to give them the cards.
The Friday before my appointment there was a call from the office to my home answering machine asking Kevin to please call back immediately upon receipt of this message.
Ok a couple of things to note ..
1) There is no Kevin that lives at my home or at that number. (unless the people asking had not been previously notified)
2) I was well aware when they tried to pre approve my VSP that they would get denied, after all they refused to use the name of the provider instead opting for my old name which has been changed on all insurance.
3) I wasn't calling them back! Enough is enough
I can only feel like this office had been less than accepting of my change. How hard was it to note the account that I would bring in a court order or whatever. So I set out to find a new eye Dr and succeeded in finding a really nice one.
When I got to the nee office I was handed a medical form, which I proceeded to fill out, and at the very top was the box M-F? When I looked at Dee and pointed it out she told me to just put F. Now normally I have no issue doing this but I am always confused in any health situation because you need to disclose medical status and medications, so I simply left it blank.
The Dr came out, asked for me and introduced herself to both Diane and I. She then took me into the exam room and proceeded to go over my medical history. Like most transsexuals I always face the dilemma of "to tell or not tell" but given the fact that I'm on HRT I felt it best to reveal. When she hit the medications listing I explained to her that I was TG and she looked at me with a stunned look on her face, jaw slightly open.
Dr- You mean you're um, you used to be a man and now you're a woman?
Me-Yup, that's exactly what it means with a grin on my face.
Dr- Um, wow I would have never guessed!!
When I explained that it can be tough because not everyone is accepting of it she seemed to be very compassionate to what we have deal with. She had also explained to me she had known one other but that person was a lot more obvious because they still had a lot of male characteristics in the face and proceeded to be wowed that I wasn't as obvious.
Normally because of my work I don't wear makeup, I don't wear anything extremely girlie. It's girl's jeans, girls T-shirt and usually my hair in a ponytail until I'm away from the machinery. So I guess to some degree I look tomboyish.
As she was getting ready to start the exam she put her hand on my arm and asked ":Do you mind if I'm totally honest with you?" I'm a very open and honest person so of course I said yes. She then reveals that when we walked in that she assumed Dee and I were a lesbian couple and that.. At that point I smiled and stopped her to finish her sentence. You thought I was the butch and she was the fem and she giggled and said yeah! .
All in all I found this Dr to be very open warm and accepting, someone I intend to use for my eyes for years to come. It's nice to find people like this in a world that constantly looks down on our plight!
Oh yeah, and now I need reading glasses, dammit I'm getting old!
~K~
Mar 24, 2009
Validation
Lori D had written an interesting good blog regard personal validation recently that made me sit and think a bit. Like most I've certainly had my share of aha moments concerning this very subject and let's face it, being validated makes us feel like we have certainly arrived at our destination. It can set our minds at ease about whether or not we can successfully transition. But what does it really mean in the bigger picture? We are validated internally by our feelings and technically that's all we really need. At the end of the very long day we all simply want to be accepted though and in this we seek our validation.
There are 2 ways we find validation.
1) We work to be stealth and move about our day in our target gender without anyone ever guessing our pasts.
2) We allow people into our world and find acceptance as who we are.
Every time my wife and I got out for a drink, out for a dinner or out to a store and someone identifies me as female in the course of our interactions you can see a look of pleasure appear over my face. I exhale as though finding acceptance is like being relieved of the pressures of not feeling right for so long. Kind of like the pressure cooker was built up beyond it's recommended bursting point. What I've come to realize within the broader scope of things is that I feel much more satisfaction in someone "knowing" my past and truly accepting me as Karyn. To me, this shows the purity in the heart that I've often wondered was missing from the human race.
In countless instances that someone didn't know my story or someone who knew "Kev" but hadn't seen him in a long time find out, have a great reaction to the change and yet still accept me for what is in my heart. That in my opinion is the sincerest form of acceptance. It at times has lent itself to being some of the most humorous and memorable interactions I've had.
Walk down the street at any given time as a transsexual and you feel like the whole world is staring at you, so we really embrace those times we realize that stealth simply gives us the anonymity that we need. But in any given room of people we will always be guarded over our crazy little secret as though it is a juicy tidbit just lying in wait to be used against us.
We feel this way because in these circumstance we have no way to judge what may be in any given individuals heart. Someone who was nice to you 5 minutes before could suddenly look down at you because they have learned something that they don't understand or simply don't agree with. What a shame isn't it? Validation is great in any form but it is those that accept us knowing that all our flaws make us who we are, those are the people that are worth recognizing and to me that is the best form of validation.
Feb 24, 2009
Little surprises make the world go round.
I wasn't sure that I wanted to share this until just now. I've been mulling around being selfish and keeping it to myself or sharing it. The thing is that as selfish as I want to be, this was such a loving gesture that I really need to share it and give thanks.
I went to the mailbox recently and in there was a letter addressed tome from my sister. It was in a card envelope so my first reaction was that it was an invitation to a family event, I certainly wasn't prepared for the contents and it touched me very deeply when I opened it and read it.
Inside the envelope was the following poem~
Sisters
It's good it's bad- it's happy it's sad
It's often misunderstood
It's love, it's war it's so much more-
This thing called sisterhood
Serene Sensational
Incredible Inspirational
Superb Sincere
True Throughout the year!!
Educated Exceptional
Radiant Respectable
Simply Sisters both dear!!
We're cried on we're relied on,
We're sisters until the end.
We hear, we share-we dare to care,
We're family and we're friends
Love Tammy
When I read it I was taken back. When in the middle of transition my sister and I reconnected I had such a hard time with whether I should tell her about her little brother's secret. I've labored because Tammy and I have always been close and it was something I had been afraid to damage. I know it wasn't easy for her to understand when I told her. I was expecting the worst like most trans people do. But I was pleasantly amazed when she told me that it would take sometime for her to get used to it and try to understand it.
As time and questions would flow she would start referring to me as her sister in emails. She never wanted to burden me with her bad days, only if to make sure I was ok in my new life. She's never asked anything of me and always made sure to be there if I needed to talk. I cannot and would not ever ask for a better sister than my sister Tammy. From the time we were young till now she has always been dear in my heart. In fact, she was there for the birth of my daughter.
You can understand how a letter like this can hit you. It's a warm feeling not only being loved but accepted and included such as this. This is one of those gestures that is not only moving but is significant enough to be framed and put on my wall to remind me that I have a beautiful, loving sister who will always be there for me.
Tammy, I thank you for this gift from the bottom of my heart and I love you dearly …
Your Sis Karyn XOXO
I went to the mailbox recently and in there was a letter addressed tome from my sister. It was in a card envelope so my first reaction was that it was an invitation to a family event, I certainly wasn't prepared for the contents and it touched me very deeply when I opened it and read it.
Inside the envelope was the following poem~
Sisters
It's good it's bad- it's happy it's sad
It's often misunderstood
It's love, it's war it's so much more-
This thing called sisterhood
Serene Sensational
Incredible Inspirational
Superb Sincere
True Throughout the year!!
Educated Exceptional
Radiant Respectable
Simply Sisters both dear!!
We're cried on we're relied on,
We're sisters until the end.
We hear, we share-we dare to care,
We're family and we're friends
Love Tammy
When I read it I was taken back. When in the middle of transition my sister and I reconnected I had such a hard time with whether I should tell her about her little brother's secret. I've labored because Tammy and I have always been close and it was something I had been afraid to damage. I know it wasn't easy for her to understand when I told her. I was expecting the worst like most trans people do. But I was pleasantly amazed when she told me that it would take sometime for her to get used to it and try to understand it.
As time and questions would flow she would start referring to me as her sister in emails. She never wanted to burden me with her bad days, only if to make sure I was ok in my new life. She's never asked anything of me and always made sure to be there if I needed to talk. I cannot and would not ever ask for a better sister than my sister Tammy. From the time we were young till now she has always been dear in my heart. In fact, she was there for the birth of my daughter.
You can understand how a letter like this can hit you. It's a warm feeling not only being loved but accepted and included such as this. This is one of those gestures that is not only moving but is significant enough to be framed and put on my wall to remind me that I have a beautiful, loving sister who will always be there for me.
Tammy, I thank you for this gift from the bottom of my heart and I love you dearly …
Your Sis Karyn XOXO
Feb 19, 2009
Taking a look around, re-evaluation
I guess you could say I've been on a bit of a sabbatical recently, a self imposed one at that. I kind of felt like it was time for a reevaluation after some minor things got into my head. For some it would simply meaning turning the corner and moving on to the next phases of my life and for others it would be assumed that I'm distancing myself. I can assure that isn't the case.
After some soul searching recently I realized that beyond the economy, layoffs, etc that there was something else gnawing at my soul. I've been wearing the "trans" sign a little too much and not learning to just be Karyn. This became apparent to me several weeks ago after a minor difference in point of view with a friend and some talking with another one to get things into perspective. For trans people, I am simply one of them and should be proud of who I am, no doubt I am but I'm learning that I'm not proud because I'm part of a community like that; I'm proud because I'm a good person and people like me for who I am, not what I'm defined as.
Over the last 3 years there had been a blurring of lines for me Male/Female/Transgender and I was allowing the final part to not only identify me, it was creating havoc with me emotionally. I had lost the feeling of being female for a movement or to break it down, I lost my own unique identity in lieu of being unified under a label.
In doing this, my fear every time I stepped out of the house was that someone would "figure" me out or guess my secret. The reality is that I needed to step out of the house just being Karyn. To some degree I had started to step backward. I've since learned that I need to focus more on the things I have in common with the people in my life and less on the things that label what I'm going through. That's the key, what I'm going through, not who I am. Lately since this has sunk in I am getting back to that sense of peace that I had felt like I was starting to lose again. As a whole, I'll have more conversations about things like music, clothes, guitars, makeup, shoes etc and a lot less about being "trans"
One of the things that have been irking Diane and I is the idea that I need to thank my lucky stars I have her because most women wouldn't stay. To some degree I understand this point of view but honestly, I'm not as lucky as people think. It's sad that people need to put boundaries on things like love. Isn't it possible that not only am I lucky to be loved by Diane but she by me? Don't I bring a lot to the table that makes her want to be with me? At what point did our relationship become so one sided that I needed to be "grateful" that she didn't dump me. Honestly, the more we hear this comment, the more insulted we are becoming by it. For the 2 of us, love is love and it isn't defined by what's between our legs. Sex is great but lets face it, it's a fraction of our lives together and I've not gotten a lobotomy people, smarten up, it is insulting to infer that she is in love with my penis, no wonder lesbians actually "get it" …
Things at work and with friends personally have been going well but I am starting to get frustrated with people not making the change over. There have been a few instances these past few weeks that really stick out.
A friend of mine here keeps calling me "Kev" and "he, him" etc. I am trying to be patient with him because he's just getting up to speed and he says he supports me but here's the kicker. When it comes time to make a joke "He'll put his hand up in the air over something I've said and say ..sheesh, women" . Why is it he can get the pronouns correct in jest?
Out to dinner with friends recently (Who are supportive) my friends wife referred to me as "He" several times. I could see Diane cringe when it happened. Right after she had done this, the waitress came over to take our orders and when she turned to Diane and I she simply asked "And what can I get you ladies"
YES! Vindication! Hopefully she picked up on it!
This week I had a hair appointment for a haircut, root touch up and I finally loosened up a bit to have a little fun. I needed to get some of the old "rock and roll" me back so I had a few blond patches added in my hair. I'm thinking it looks pretty cool and matches a little more of what my personality was like before I started transition.
In the local news recently a few big issues have come up that are noteworthy
Massachusetts has loosened up its policy on driver's licenses and now you can have your gender marker changed to reflect your gender identity provided you have proper documentation that you are being treated for GID. Kind of makes me wish I were living back in Mass now for just that privilege.
Mass and NH are now in process of debating and trying to get Gender Identity protections against discrimination. I was asked to speak at the NH statehouse in regards to this but I couldn't take the time off from work right now. I did however hear that the bill had no opposition in attendance! Woot, maybe we are finally going to be on equal footing!
Other than those life just kind of sails along and I'm just trying to be. The next thing I'm hoping for is the end of winter and the demise of snow .. just sayin ..
Hope you're well
~K~
Feb 16, 2009
Feb 4, 2009
Feb 4
Happy birthday to my darling Dee! I grow to love you more with each
passing day!
passing day!
Xoxo your Karyn
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