Been a few days since I’ve said anything about anything here. Emotionally I’m leveling out and it’s finally allowing me to embrace the better part of the name change. I tend to get very over analytical about every step until it actually happens. I know with most steps once it is done and there’s no undoing it for the most part. I guess that tends to make me dwell more on my decisions than anything.
I’ve always been the type of person that beats decisions to death, I simply hate being wrong. Everything from buying a car or motorcycle to what we would have for dinner was always a hassle for me. I simply could never make up my mind without viewing every option to determine which was the best. Transition has been no different and it has been in these checks and balances I’ve been able to handle things as well as I have. When I finally reserve myself to a decision I rarely ever decide at a later time it was the wrong one.
From the earliest stages of talking about this to the actual implementation of transition every thought has been beaten to death, I just have never wanted to be wrong. Not long ago my friend Kristi told me I over think everything and she had me pegged. Sometimes in over thinking I tend to stall the process or worry about things that are beyond my control and it also frustrated the people around me to have to watch me battle with it.
I know deep down who I am and I’m happy letting her finally shine through. That hasn’t been without it’s own analyzing moments though. It’s tough feeling like your female inside, knowing you think female and then being socially driven to be male. The truth is that in that one piece of negativity there is enough worry to make you think that you are crazy or somehow you have fooled yourself into thinking that this can’t be true or it simply can’t be happening to you, this happens to other people` "Those" people!
As a person pretending to be male I can honestly say I was successful. I could project who I was without issue and deal with people with confidence. While it was all a big facade I knew I played the game well and it helped me in my life.
When I finally sat and talked with my counselor and determined I needed to transition I never thought that I would take the path to get here today that I have. I naturally assumed that I was at the bottom of my barrel and I could only go up. When I’ve learned in my case was that I needed to break myself further to allow myself to grow. Sounds crazy I know.
By tearing down every wall and safety blanket I had in front of me I was shedding myself to the barest of who I could be. As a matter of fact I am still in that process although I believe I am on the reverse side of the curve now looking up. What seems to be happening as Karyn starts to grow she is trying to find herself and her place in this world. While it hasn’t been an easy process it certainly has been rewarding and most of all one of the healthiest steps I’ve taken in my walk through life. To date I sometimes may sound negative, but I can honestly say I do not regret one step of this journey yet. I am becoming much stronger in the process.
Today at work will be a bit of a milestone. I will be sitting down with H.R to plot out where I am going with this whole thing and how to implement it here. Because we are a progressive company they already have experience with this so I don’t have to guide them through this process. To say I’m a bit nervous today is putting it mildly but I am very happy to be moving into a new chapter.
As I sit and type this I am just shy of my 4 weeks till I have the legal right to my new name and as each sun rises and sets I am looking forward to it more and more now. I can't wait!