Sep 5, 2010

Wow ..cobwebs .. need to clean up in here

Been a loooong time since i have felt like writing or sharing anything. Like most people in general and especially trassexual people I've had my share of ups and downs over the last year. Funny enough most of those down are do to my own thought process of just overthinking and beating everything to death. Somedays I am my own worst enemy.

Life today is as normal as it can be. Dee and I have had a rough 8-12 months with the ilness of ehr brother in law and ultimately his passing on July 27th of this year He fought a 9 year battle with a brain tumor. As tragic as itwas the one good thing is that it brought her family together in a much tighter way. She finally has a great relationship with her little sister and I'm happy to see that happen. The other thing that came of it was that my nieces were finally told of their uncles changes. They now understand why I wasn't "Uncle Kevin" anymore but now KK to them.

I have to admit out of everyone the kids were the ones that weighed on me the most because I didn't want to do anything to hurt them, I love them way too much and it would tear me apart inside if I had. Thankfully they were very cool with it and in some wierd ways have pushed and embraced it. Not bad for a 9 and 12 year old. I'm so thankful for them and their love everyday.

So after all this time is there any big news? Yup, my official letters and paperwork have been sent to Dr Brassard's office for surgery. I'm not waiting on a date.

The big question thateveybody seems to ask is if I am excited and they are shocked when i say I'm not really. But you really have to know my reasoning and have actually paid attention to the manner I transitioned in to really understand that.

In my letter to Brassard it states that I approached my transition "slow and deliberate." I never jumped in running full bore for the finish line. I worked on aspects of myself slowly and with purpose so i would know that anything I did was not mistake. I can honestly say that internally I have never ever been more at peace with who I am. Externally has been a huge adjustment. playing in bands, running a high profile guitar website and travelling for it help support an extroverted ego to some point. I never worried about fitting in or being able to be friendly and outgoing with people. That all changed with transition and I suddenly hit the opposite side of the coin having to relearn who I am and how I fit in. I can honestly say I'm slowly getting there and life gets easier and easier.

The other part of not being excited is simply because I'm scared to death and very anxious. I've never EVER been good about doctors and surgical procedures. I had some bad experiences as a kid that never quite left my mind. So while I can help other people with blood and guts type stuff, it never sat well when it was me. So it'll be a long wait to get to Montreal .. lol

Well I need to getready for a family cookout. Hope this post finds all my friends well. That is IF anyone actually reads my writings anymore. I've been so lazy I don't blame anyone about forgetting about me ... lol

Cheers people ~K~

2 comments:

Veronica said...

Your blog is in the "blogs that sleep" section of my RSS feed list. :) But I always look to see if one has woken up.

Sorry to hear that you have lost your brother-in-law, but I'm glad there were good things that came out of it.

I'm guessing you meant to write "I am now waiting on a date" (I've written "not" for "now" before myself). Congratulations on moving all that along! I have always hated hospitals and procedures and blood, and yet somehow I didn't have any kind of negative reaction in Montreal. Dr. Brassard and the nurses and aides at the hospital and the recovery house were all just wonderful. It also helped that I really wanted what I was there for.

Hope all keeps going well for you!

Lori Grace said...

Congrats on sending the papers to Dr. Brassard's office. You have shown what "slow and deliberate" really mean, and I think I've learned a lot in my own transition through your story. This side of the fence where the drama of transition no longer looms is pretty freaking awesome.

Glad to see this. I've not been around much lately myself.