Activisim begins at home

With my local paper running a series on Transgender people and everything ounce of news regarding the same has inundated us lately it set me to thinking. While Activism in its present form isn't a bad thing what can we truly do to dictate permanent change. This isn't to say that
we shouldn't be proud of who we are or what we stand for in the moment.

This past weekend my wife and I were lucky enough to have our granddaughter overnight for the first time. To say we were "tickled pink" by the idea would have been an understatement, we both adore Gianna and are addicted to spending time with her as she grows. She as a
child already has such an infectious smile.

In having our granddaughter and laying the groundwork for our weekend my wife decided it might be cool to have her professional pictures done and so, we made an appointment for Sat. We are very happy with how they turned out and in the process of getting ourselves a nice 8 X 10 for our living room, we decided to get an additional sheet of two 5x7's (One for my inlaws and one for Jess). Saturday evening Jess was working at her job so the idea was to get a nice frame, wrap it up and deliver it to her at work as a surprise hoping this would make her night.

When we arrived at her job I got out of the car and headed to the front door (She works in a yet to be opened major home improvement retailer). Just inside the door were 3 men having a discussion and noticed me coming towards the door and immediately one started waving me off to let me know they weren't open yet. As the automatic doors opened and as we were able to speak directly I explained to him that I had been looking for my daughter Jess. He nodded and told me her would call her down to the front and I told him I'd be outside the door in the car.

As Jess approached she spoke to Dee first telling her that the men thought they scared her out of the building and naturally Dee had no idea what she was talking about. When the truth came to light the assumption was made that I was Jess's mom by the individual that had come and spoken to me, needless to say we all had a good laugh over it. When I asked Jess later if she told them that I wasn't her mom she admitted she had and told then it was her dad. She said they were all shocked and couldn't believe it believing me to be female. Jess explained to them that her Dad was Transgender and transitioning.

So how does all of this relate to the subject of this blog?

When Jess was a child she was aware of my difference. While she hadn't been aware of the depth of it or the so-called birth defect, she was aware of my gender variance. She was raised in an open way that she should be respectful and open to all people of difference. We as a society and as a human race are subject to difference by design, it keep our culture rich and interesting. To teach a child to not have tolerance to any individual or anything termed different would not only be irresponsible, it would be wrong.

Any lesson we teach our children is a value that we hope will stick into their adult life and then we simply hope all of those lessons add up to good or at best decent acceptable parenting. All of this will hopefully result in an adult that as a parent we can be proud to set free into
society.

As Jess has grown her understanding of diversity and tolerance has not only stuck with her but created deep roots as seen in her interaction with her co-workers. Regardless of whether her dad is transgender, black, disabled or whatever the fact, she is proud of her family. In being proud of where she came from she had no problem saying, "Hey my dad's transgender and she is transitioning to female as though it was a natural part of her day. I only hope that her positive attitude about me results in people being positive to her for feeling comfortable with it.

In her comfort with not only who she is, but also who I am, we can then assume that those lessons will rub off on my granddaughter as she grows and becomes an adult. Effectively what this does generation to generation is make subjects such as these a non-issue.

Any way you slice it that has to be one of the best forms of activism on the planet,
creating future change.

Think about it
~K~

Local New Article

Here's an Article in our local paper about a girls transition. Some of
her story seems to parallel the same things in my life which is always
amazing to me. What really stands out is that the counselor in this
story is my Dr ...

http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080120/NEWS01/553242237

~K~

Great Reference on how to be respectful to a transgender person

For those who may come here looking to learn more about GID this
reference article is a great starting point. If you know someone dealing
with this, a friend, sibling or even a co-worker, this will help you in
your interactions with them and it will show them how much you really
care about them.

How to Respect a Transgender Person

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

If you have recently learned of a transgender person in your life, you might not understand their identity and you may be unsure of how to act around them without offending or hurting their feelings. The term "transgender person" in this article means a person who does not fully identify with the gender they were assigned with at birth. There are transgender people all over the world (e.g. US, Mexico,[1] India[2]) and in a wide variety of cultures (e.g. Native American,[3] Thai[4]). For such people, it is not always easy to explain their gender situation in today's society. Here's how to understand and respect someone who challenges your ideas about gender, and who does not easily fall within the category of "male" or "female".

Steps

1. Thank them. It is very hard to come out to people as transgender. They trust and/or respect you very much to have come out to you. Thank them for trusting you; it will mean a lot to them, because you mean a lot to them.
   
2. Respect their gender identity. Think of them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance) from now on. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise. Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)
   
3. Watch your past tense. When talking of the past don't use phrases like "when you were a previous gender" or "born a man/woman," because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons. Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense. One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance "Last year", "When you were a child", "When you were in high school", etc. If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say "before you came out as current gender", or "Before you began transitioning" (if applicable).
   
4. Use language appropriate to the person's gender. Ask what pronouns the transgender person prefers to have used in reference to them and respect that choice. For example, someone who identifies as a woman may prefer feminine words and pronouns like she, her, actress, waitress, etc. A person who identifies as a man may prefer masculine terms like he, his, etc. Other transgender people may prefer that you avoid the use of "gendered" language by using gender neutral pronouns such as ze, zir, sie, hir, etc.[5] Use the name they ask you to use.
   
   • Your friend Jack has just come out as a transgender person, and now wishes to be called Mary. From this point on, you do not say "This is my friend Jack, I've known him since grade school." Instead, you say, "This is my friend Mary, I've known her since grade school." Table any awkwardness you feel for another time when you and Mary can talk privately. Definitely, if you want to remain friends, you will need to respect Mary's wishes and address her as who she is today, not the person you used to know.
     
   
   
5. Don't be afraid to ask. Many transgender people will be happy to answer most questions, and glad you are taking an interest in their life. Don't expect the transgender person to be your sole educator. It is your responsibility to inform yourself. EXCEPTION: Questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you NEED to know in order to provide medical care, are in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation.
   
6. Respect the transgender person's need for privacy. Do not out them without express permission. Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. "Outing" them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them. It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot - or even being harmed. They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready.
   
7. Don't assume what the person's experience is. There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed. The idea of being "trapped in a man/woman's body", the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others. Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions. Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you.
   
8. Recognize the difference between gender identity and sexuality. Do not assume that their gender has anything to do with sexuality -it doesn't. There are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and asexual transgender people, just as there are non-transgender people of all orientations. If the person comes out to you about their sexual orientation, use the terms they use.
   
9. Treat them the same. While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don't particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them. After you are well-informed, make sure you're not going overboard. Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out. Treat them as you would anybody else.
   

Tips

• This condition is known medically as Gender Dysphoria, but there is much contention about this issue. Some believe the problem lies in society's refusal to acknowledge the variations of sex and gender present in nature (including human beings).
  
• Asking about peoples' genitals and how they have sex is not appropriate, in the same way that asking cisgendered (people born in the sex they identify as) people how they have sex is not appropriate.
  
• It's rude to ask what their "real" name or birth name was -- the name they have chosen to suit their gender (if they have done so) is their real name, and they want you to think of them that way. Asking about past names only puts them on the spot, and you don't need to know it.
  
• Everyone is different and most transgender people will be glad to answer any questions - but if they are uncomfortable answering, or don't want to, then let it go. If you need to know, use the resources below.
  
• Not all transgender people get a sex change (SRS, or Sexual Reassignment Surgery or gender confirmation surgery), so don't automatically think that is the plan. Don't assume that it's appropriate to ask about a person's plans for surgery, hormones, and so forth, any more than you would pry into someone else's medical affairs.
  
• If you slip up early on and say "she" or "he" when you meant the other, don't apologize too much, just follow the mistake with the right term and continue what you were saying.
  
• There is no "cure" for being transgender, except to correct the physical appearance to match the mental gender identity. There is a problem with the body, not the mind.
  
• Websites like PlanetOut or MySpace have transgender groups, or other sections for transgender people; go to them to talk to people or learn more.
  

Warnings

• Do not call their transsexuality or transgenderness a "choice." Whether you believe it is a choice or not, transgender people themselves generally do not feel that it is a choice. If you want to respect them, it's not helpful to treat their situation as a choice (even if you personally believe it is).
  
• Do not compare them to a non-transgender person by calling that person a "real" or "normal" girl/boy. What makes a man a "real" man or a woman a "real" woman is their mind/brain, not their body. A transman is no less a real man and a transwoman is no less a real woman; the only difference is that their body does not match their gender.
  
• Never tell them that people will not understand or love them because they were not born the right gender outside. It hurts very badly, and is not true. Many, if not most, transgender people are understood, accepted and loved.
  
• Even if you have objections to transgenderedness, you should always respect the person and never willfully embarrass them publicly. Embarrassing or humiliating the person does no good for anyone.
  
• Avoid the use of pornography industry phrases like "tranny" and "shemale." These terms are considered very offensive, as they imply a connection between the person you are talking to and pornography. Also avoid mainstream heteronormative terms like "he-she."
  
• “Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male, [6] While some intersex people are also transgender, the two are not the same and should not be conflated. [7]
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Accept That Someone Close to You Is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender
  
• How to Come to Terms With Being Transgender As a Teen
  
• How to Have Respect for Yourself
  
• How to Observe the Day of Silence
  
• How to Be Respectful of Your Family
  
• How to Date a Bisexual
  

Sources and Citations

• Demonstrating Respect by Chloe Prince
  

1. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muxe


2. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hijra_%28South_Asia%29


3. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winkte


4. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathoey


5. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-neutral_pronoun#New_pronouns_in_English


6. ↑ http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex


7. ↑ http://www.survivorproject.org/is-intro.html

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Respect a Transgender Person. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Looking worn out

As you can see by the previous few pictures time had been taking a toll on my well being.  These pictures were taken around Jan 18th to the 20th of 2005. By that point in my life my daughter had not only moved out of the house but to Florida and we had been estranged for some time. During the weeks after these photos were taken my emotional well being had really started to decline. One thing you can always note is that I really never cared much about my appearance. Facial hair had always been a drain on my emotions and yet every time I would start into a decline, I would stop shaving for days and sometimes weeks at a time. I simply didn't care.

Back then I knew what was dragging me down, I just figured there was nothing I could do about it or at least not in a constructive way. Looking back on the years I've had my gains as a male, my wife, my daughter and my career. It was quite obvious that I had painted myself into a corner of not being able to take care of myself. As men we try and make things as normal as possible hoping somewhere along the line things will either change or it will just magically go away.

In my teens I was a bit of a womanizer, my only goal was to "get laid". While most teens set out on that path as a hormonal thing for me an added dimension was the gender identity issue. I was going to prove to myself one way or another I was a "man" In doing this I was lucky enough to meet the girl would would later become my wife. For whatever reason back then she saw a quality in me that I hadn't seen in myself. In my conquering nature we ended up becoming parents at a very young age and set off to raise our daughter together with the hope in the back of my mind that Dee was all I would ever need, she was the magic cure.

Everything I wanted in Dee was everything I could not have in myself. I would constantly push her to wear feminine things, do her makeup more often and just do more girlish things. This was no easy task for her because as beautiful as she is, she was always a tomboy at heart and still is to this day. She would much rather hang with the guys then to shop with women. I has always assumed that if I had everything feminine that I felt about myself in her that it would somehow be enough to fill my life, sadly I would be searching for that inner peace bug without success for a very long time.

We had our daughter, bought automobiles, bought a home, built careers and I played in numerous bands through out all of this. In doing so the deeper into life I got the more cemented in the male world I began to feel. When you owe your soul to your wife, children, banks, works and friends it becomes very hard to substantiate any kind of roadmap towards fixing yourself with issues such as GID. As I look back on it my biggest fear was becoming unemployable and not being able to provide to my family. It was not being able to be a father to my beautiful little girl and most of all not being the man my wife deserved.

In those days it would seem in any direction I turned there would be a wall in the way of any path to that inner peace I seek. I know understand that my only true fear should have been what I would do if I didn't find that inner peace. While the world looks at this issue in a negative light at times, I've finally learned that I'm better off being true to myself and alive than staying on the course I was on and not be here for the people who love me. It has been a hard lesson but I now understand this is essential to my well being.

When I look back on these pictures that I've posted I see these things an many more personal pains I would care not to remember. I am a much better person today for not only who I am now but who I was. While I won't miss being that person I certainly owe a lot to the path they took to get me to the present day

~K~

More old photos

These photos were taken Jan of 2005/ 8 months prior to my first sessions

Crazy weather and reflection

There is an old New England saying (I'll bet it's used in other parts of the country as well) that states. "If you don't like the weather just wait a minute" New England sits in the middle of 2 jet streams that have a tendency to collide pressure systems and create dynamic storms. Depending on the direction of the stream will result in how stormy it might be or even the temperature. Making it more complex is the fact that we sit on the coast of the Atlantic which helps feed some of the weather that rolls through. So far this winter has been anything but boring in these areas.

The later part of last week saw and increase in temperatures and rain resulting in a great deal of snow melt off. It actually got warm enough to break, no shatter records!! On Friday as we sat in our room we had the scare of a lifetime. Lighting hit not far outside our window causing our whole room to light up as though someone had shot a flashbulb off on a camera. What made this totally amazing to us was the fact that it lit the room up like Chevy Chase's Xmas vacation in broad daylight. Talk about one hell of a scare ..

I don't mind the mild weather even with the wild rain storms, heck I'd even love to live on a climate where it never snowed. To go from major rain to major snow and cold in just 2 days is nothing short of amazing. Monday morning we received somewhere in the area of another 10"-12" of snow again. At this point I'm beginning to think old Mother Nature is either a big joker or she simply has a split personality. When we arose at 5 am to look out and see everything covered yesterday it just seemed easier to call in to work and stay home than to fight driving in the mess, needless to say we had an off day yesterday.

As you have seen I've made a bit more of an effort to step out of my shell recently and post some pictures. I think this was something that has been really helpful into making who I am a normal part of life and I've been embracing it more than ever lately. What has been amazing to me is the positive reaction that I've gotten from people who have seen these pictures. It's taken me time to start seeing what I needed to see in the mirror but I can assure you that as much as I love the compliments I am a typical girl in the sense that I totally hate pictures of myself. I'm always very critical of my appearance!! I actually told Diane on Friday that if I gave into and thought I looked like what people have said then I'd feel really shallow and vain.

While I don't want to look vain,shallow or high maintenance I can tell you what I see in my pictures now. I see eyes that show signs of life for the first time in a long time. I also see happiness and personal contentment. Most of all I do see a girl now which is probably the single most freeing feeling I could have over image. Finally I see signs of something that I'd never though I would ..

"Inner Peace"

Whenever my wife would ask me what I needed or what I was looking for I always stood on that premise, Inner Peace. This was the same thing I told my counselor in the very first session. If there was anything I wanted to gain in life it was that. I'd spent my life feeling inner turmoil every waking moment, it was only natural to want to be at peace ... While I'm not there, I am definitely walking down that path and see it within my reach now ..

~K~

Dee and Karyn .. 2008

Me and my soulmate. I could never have believed that I could be so lucky to not only fall in love with her, but have her love me all through this change.

~K~