Jan 16, 2008

Looking worn out

As you can see by the previous few pictures time had been taking a toll on my well being.  These pictures were taken around Jan 18th to the 20th of 2005. By that point in my life my daughter had not only moved out of the house but to Florida and we had been estranged for some time. During the weeks after these photos were taken my emotional well being had really started to decline. One thing you can always note is that I really never cared much about my appearance. Facial hair had always been a drain on my emotions and yet every time I would start into a decline, I would stop shaving for days and sometimes weeks at a time. I simply didn't care.

Back then I knew what was dragging me down, I just figured there was nothing I could do about it or at least not in a constructive way. Looking back on the years I've had my gains as a male, my wife, my daughter and my career. It was quite obvious that I had painted myself into a corner of not being able to take care of myself. As men we try and make things as normal as possible hoping somewhere along the line things will either change or it will just magically go away.

In my teens I was a bit of a womanizer, my only goal was to "get laid". While most teens set out on that path as a hormonal thing for me an added dimension was the gender identity issue. I was going to prove to myself one way or another I was a "man" In doing this I was lucky enough to meet the girl would would later become my wife. For whatever reason back then she saw a quality in me that I hadn't seen in myself. In my conquering nature we ended up becoming parents at a very young age and set off to raise our daughter together with the hope in the back of my mind that Dee was all I would ever need, she was the magic cure.

Everything I wanted in Dee was everything I could not have in myself. I would constantly push her to wear feminine things, do her makeup more often and just do more girlish things. This was no easy task for her because as beautiful as she is, she was always a tomboy at heart and still is to this day. She would much rather hang with the guys then to shop with women. I has always assumed that if I had everything feminine that I felt about myself in her that it would somehow be enough to fill my life, sadly I would be searching for that inner peace bug without success for a very long time.

We had our daughter, bought automobiles, bought a home, built careers and I played in numerous bands through out all of this. In doing so the deeper into life I got the more cemented in the male world I began to feel. When you owe your soul to your wife, children, banks, works and friends it becomes very hard to substantiate any kind of roadmap towards fixing yourself with issues such as GID. As I look back on it my biggest fear was becoming unemployable and not being able to provide to my family. It was not being able to be a father to my beautiful little girl and most of all not being the man my wife deserved.

In those days it would seem in any direction I turned there would be a wall in the way of any path to that inner peace I seek. I know understand that my only true fear should have been what I would do if I didn't find that inner peace. While the world looks at this issue in a negative light at times, I've finally learned that I'm better off being true to myself and alive than staying on the course I was on and not be here for the people who love me. It has been a hard lesson but I now understand this is essential to my well being.

When I look back on these pictures that I've posted I see these things an many more personal pains I would care not to remember. I am a much better person today for not only who I am now but who I was. While I won't miss being that person I certainly owe a lot to the path they took to get me to the present day


No comments: