Mar 15, 2007

You’re such a girl!!

Sometime ago early on in my learning about who I am and where I am going I had a really cool conversation with my friend Annah. We have been able to have a lot of those because she understood what was in front of me as well as similarities in our lives. During the course of our conversation one day Annah made a comment that escapes me at the moment but elicited a response from me that made her smile and say thank you!.

"You’re such a girl!"

The phrase in itself seems so minuscule but for a transgendered girl it really can be the ultimate affirmation of who they truly are. I never much thought of it at the time when I said it, I simply saw that quality in the conversation and pointed it out in a playful manner. In some small way I think maybe I was envious because she oozed femininity with such ease.

While I always understood I’d had this inside me I simply never believed I would ever get to the same point she was at but I had admired her for everything she had become because it was all I had desired through my life. I viewed myself very differently from the world yet I tried very hard to fit within a certain mold that I felt society had predetermined for me.

I’ve never gone out of my way over the last year to change my mannerisms or the things I do yet certain aspects of my behavior are much different as I let my guard down and feel at ease. Lately this is mostly while I am at home and I am totally unguarded.

Recently while sitting on the couch watching TV I turned to look at my beautiful wife and noticed her sitting and staring at me intently. I asked her "What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?" Her response was simply those 4 words. "You’re such a girl" Why do you say that I asked and she explained that my mannerisms, my whole look and simply the way I act when I am unguarded really makes it show through.

As I’ve become happier and more content with the world around me that little girl seems to just naturally show and when she actually points it out it blows me away. It can be so overwhelming that I could actually burst into tears over it.

Recently I wrote about an experience I had using my bank card and Emily posted a response that now is starting to make a lot more sense to me. She simply wrote that it didn’t matter what I was wearing at the time it was probably more in the way I was presenting myself. I guess at times it really is hard to look from the outside to our inner person and see ourselves for who we are easily. The fact is that those things reaffirm to me that this is right and a natural progression I am going through.

The differences in behavior do show from time to time even for me. Men simply move through life differently than women. They are expected to be more aggressive and they do what I call "posturing" which is a very funny way of presenting themselves. They don’t really realize that they are doing it themselves they just have a natural knack for it.

Posturing is similar to the animal world in the sense that in order to gain a place or win a female they have to fight or make themselves appear stronger to be more appealing. This gives potential mates interest. Human beings aren’t much different just sit in a mall and watch them, it can be quite entertaining.

Men when walking by each other will generally look each other directly in the eye. If girls are present they will stand a certain way straightening up and making themselves appear larger and they ooze the whole "Don’t fuck with me attitude" they don’t realize they do it, they just do and generally it is worse as a teenager because they are learning their place.

Back in high school we were taught during job interviews several tricks to gain respect. Look your interviewer directly in the eye, speak with confidence and most of all shake hands with a firm hand pumping twice.

Men are generally taught to have a firm handshake because it shows confidence and to some extent a sense of self. A weak handshake will generally show weakness and will not get the same response. The differences are simply funny when you think about them in such a trivial way.

Not along ago Diane and I were out and about and I decided I really need to get my mustang washed. As we pulled into the tunnel and the attendant came to the car asking if he could help me. In a deeper voice than my normal one I asked for the $5 wash and Diane broke into a fit of laughter. The sad part was I knew exactly WHY she was laughing. Without even thinking about it I was projecting my voice in a much more male tone than usual because of the attendant.

I didn’t intend for it to happen but social conditioning has taught me to behave in certain manners depending upon the situation. Now when I hear "you’re such a girl" I can savor it so much more and I love her for pointing those things out. When I hear it I suddenly feel more normal than I previously had.


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