Nov 9, 2008

On the eve

Here we are on the eve of my final day. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was scared or at the very least nervous. I guess to some degree that's the exhilaration of being alive, isn't it?

This past week was a very tough one on not only me, but all the people I work with. The rumors had been flying and sure enough, the ax fell on Thursday with massive layoffs. As it was happening you just sit at your desk wondering if this one will be your turn. I know that I have a reasonably secure job but these are unprecedented times. Will my longevity save me? Or maybe my transition? Or maybe that will be a good reason to push me out. The thoughts are nothing less than major stress intertwined with November 10th bouncing though my thoughts. Needless to say, and thankfully; I'm still employed!

Friday an old friend that I hung around with at work stopped by the shop at lunch. I've known him for the entire 19 years I've been there and I had been very worried that he would have a hard time with this, to date I haven't told him. As he was standing there he blurted out "got something to tell me?" I think I was a bit blown away. He mentioned that he thought he should stop by before Monday and it was a lock, he knew what was up.

Turned out that a mutual friend blabbed and he's known for at least 3 months. That means that some others more than likely know. To say I'm feeling hurt and betrayed my my other friend is an understatement. Mostly I'd been feeling foolish that people that knew were looking me right in the eye pretending to not know a thing. It's a tough feeling to know that the information I've been protecting and trying to figure out how to tell was already out there. Sad isn't it?

So, when did it become ok to sell your friends out? When did someone who was supposed to protect me and be there feel it was more important to gossip instead. Most of all why did he feel ownership of my life belonged to him? I walked out of work pretty depressed and devastated on Friday afternoon.

Friday night into Sat morning I got little sleep and had a lot on my mind. In fact I've had very little sleep in the last 48 hours. Saturday morning at 9am as I sat on my couch playing guitar there was a knock at my front door. Diane answered it and walked in with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. A very dear sweet friend sent us flowers to congratulate us and wish us happiness starting a new part of our lives on Monday. I broke down in tears and wept like I haven't in ages. It was so sweet of her and her husband to remember us like that and Dee and I adore them for it.

Aren't they awesome? I cannot even begin to explain what these meant to me in this blog. In the future this will surely be a story that is talked about. For now, the moment belongs to me.

Tonight sitting here Dee decided to snap a picture of me. It's pretty raw, no makeup and me looking pretty tired. Still it is important because it is the eve of the start of a more normal life for me and something I wanted to be able to look back on. I soo hate this picture because of how I look but I do understand that I want it documented...

Ew, I look gross in this... but hey, whatya want for 10 oclock at night!

Hope you're all well ... onward and upward peeps



VĂ©ronique said...

I'm so glad you got the bouquet and the good wishes behind it after having another friend break your confidence.

I'll put you in my intentions to night for the Lady. :)

Lori D said...

From what I've been reading from your blog, you'll do more than fine and come out a champion no matter what their responses are. Best of luck to you (again)!

Anonymous said...

what a tough few days you had last week! with the lay-off scare and dealing with all that stupid gossip crap.
i so know what it's like to be sold-out and gossiped about by someone you thought was your friend. it SUCKS.

but on the positive side... i hope your weekend turned out peaceful and lovely so that you are strong and ready and happy for TODAY!
so excited for you.

i love that picture of you with your guitar, because you just look so genuinely happy. you look like you're saying, "i looooove my guitar!" :o)

and aww... pretty flowers!

Sara said...

Congrats on the flowers, they're a beautiful gesture. Congrats also on not getting laid off, but that should really stand as a sign of how your company values you. And although breaking your trust is never okay, the silver lining is that people knew, maybe three months early and they respected your decision to make the announcement when you and the company were ready, on your terms. That alone is quite a testimonial for how people feel about you as you!

Oh, and by the way...I think you look good in the picture. Yeah, maybe a little tired but apart form that, no different from any other woman holding her guitar in her living room ready to face the biggest and best days ahead!

Hope you have a wonderful day today!

SydneyAnnaBloom said...

i'm always late hearing about these things. I really want to wish you the life you've drempt of. I'm sure you'll be living it before you even get to read this.


~K~ said...

Thank you all for the wonderful words.

Sara, that's a great perspective on people finding out, thank you.

Sydney, how have you been? I've been wondering where you have been hiding ..

Samantha said...

As to the folks who sold you out... Phooy! Unfortunately, there are differences between types of friends, and sometimes, we find out the hard way who is, and who ain't. I know it hurts, I'm sorry.

The flowers are awesome, that's amazing and wonderful.

You know, I love that picture, and the only sign you're really tired is hunching your shoulders. You look great Karyn, you really do. I don't look nearly that good late at night. You remind me of...


... niece Melanie in this picture. Ha, you thought I was gonna say Lindsay Lohan didn't you? Nope, not in this shot, and you look happy. You know, that's so much better than all the make-up and hair and so on in the world.


SydneyAnnaBloom said...

I had to go back to kansas. it's not been as fun. but i'm planning a xmas in NH. I'm looking forward to your next post. I have been doing pretty great since yesterday.

How about you?