Nov 4, 2008

Remembrance, Head games, and voting

Funny the things that hit you out of the blue. I was working away thinking about all that had to be done tonight, picking Diane's mom up from the airport, Voting, making dinner etc when the date hit me. It's Nov 4th. November 4th 1984 was the day that my grandmother passed away and I find that I miss her no less today than I did minutes after I lost her. The one real difference now is that with the change in hormone, I find it much harder to hold back my feelings on the matter. Yes I have even welled up with a tear several times. They say that time heals all wounds but sometimes it just dulls the pain a little.

My grandmother had a big role in my upbringing as we lived with her, she watched me most of the time, cooked for me and in a lot of cases made sure I never went without the essentials. It was tough on my mom being a single parent then but I can honestly say that my grandmother more than made up for the loss of the 2nd parent. If I needed it, she made sure I had it.

Alma was a little bit of a woman with a ferocious Canadian temper when needed. My mom and her brothers used to joke about my grandmother 8 rings that she would put on to smack you with. It used to irritate her so deeply when they would do that to her.

In the evening hours of November 8th after stopping by my band rehearsal space our old bass player Pete made note that he had seen my mom speeding up the road. When I inquired the direction I knew exactly where she was headed as my grandmother had been in the hospital after a heart attack. My grandmother had done severe damage to her heart. Being as stubborn as she had been she had been in pain for 3 days before ever telling my mom that something wasn't right. By that point the damage had been done in a major way.

After getting the news from Pete Diane and I got in my car and flew to the hospital in the next town over. I did make it in time to be with her when she passed and have that closure. I know she went peacefully with the people who loved her. For me I have never forgotten the feeling that I had at that moment and it is still with me to this day.

So, R.I.P Nana, you are missed.


I've had a family member inadvertently playing mind games with me over the past week. I know they don't understand that they are doing it to me but it doesn't make it sting any less.

Not long ago my sister mentioned that my nephew had been mad at me claiming that I mistreated him in my home. He had told her he slept at my house and attempted to make breakfast for us the next morning. He told her that he said he enjoyed it so much we would have to do it a lot more and claims that my response was "What for"

Let me start by saying that this nephew is a great guy. I also need to mention that he has in fact slept at my home. At no time has he ever cooked me breakfast so I'm a bit perplexed by the accusation. But in the name of fairness I explained to my sister that and told her that it's never been my intent to make him feel unwelcome in my house.

Recently his wife messaged me saying he accepted my apology for what I'd done to him and that they would love to see me. I've never actually apologized for what I've done because I hadn't done anything. The reality was that I only said if he ever felt unwelcome that I was sorry for that. I was happy that he wanted to see me. The next message went to now he's having problems but they wanted to set some time for the whole family then the final message was that he's having a hard time with this and he's not sure if he wants to see me.

I don't begrudge anyone his or her feelings and I'm the last person to ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. The seesaw of want to not want to is doing damage to me. I've already stated I don't want anymore drama in my life. To go from not wanting too, to wanting too, to maybe to unsure just plays an emotional game with me and it's not fair to me. I'm at the point of pulling back again to preserve my own well being.

I'm now inside of the 1 week countdown at work and it has not been easy on me. I'm not thinking this is a mistake in any way but I am getting the nervous cold feet. I'm only hoping that I can keep it under control enough to follow through. This is the single scariest step I've ever taken in my life, but then I'm sure I felt that way about changing my name as well.

Sunday Dee and I picked our friend Cynthia up and headed up to Tilton NH to an outlet Mall. I was looking for some cheaper jeans that I can wear to work and not worry about ruining them. We had a really nice time. I tried a bunch of boots on that I like as I need some and Diane was partial to one pair. The thing that constantly worries me is the heel. I'm so worried that it will make me stand out too much. On top of that in the boots we tried on I had to drop 1 shoe size down to fit. I don't know if my feet have shrunk or it's just the boot. The 1 set of boots that fit Dee loved but to me it would have screamed drag queen, something I am probably too aware or worried of.

When we got home that night the mood had struck me and I started cleaning the closet. Diane wondered what the hell was going on as she saw dress shirts flying down the stairs one by one. The mood hit and it just made me think it's time to start purging and donating some more of my stuff. Hopefully I'm not going to need it anytime in the future. In the purge I did find out that I amassed a lot more pairs of jeans than I had realized. I found out that I have a dozen pair, something Kev would have never done. It's to the point that Dee wants to change closet sides with me because she feels I'm going to end up with more clothes than her, (she could be right)

Yesterday I received a phone call from my old friend Mike's wife. If you recall I mentioned Mike passing away in one of my blogs last year. She has been asking me to teach his oldest son guitar. So in an effort to be above ground I told her what was going on with me and she seemed ok with things. She did say that when she saw me at the wake last year she knew something was up because of the change in my appearance. When I came up to pay my respects she hadn't recognized me and I figured that the changes had her guessing. We'll have to see what goes on from here.


Lastly and most importantly don't forget to get out and vote today. It's the single most important American right you have. I could care less who anyone votes for just so long as they vote. I'm very much looking forward to life going back to normal and we can erase battle lines and just go back to being Americans for a change and not Dems or Repubs …

Hope you're all well.

No comments: