I wanted to do a side by side to allow the differences to be seen . The left was a cruise in 2001 and the right was this past Saturday
Jan 8, 2008
Side by side
I wanted to do a side by side to allow the differences to be seen . The left was a cruise in 2001 and the right was this past Saturday
The old me
Here's an older picture to show the changes. This was taken about 2-3 months prior to my first counseling sessions
This one was right after my first sessions
Primary Day
Well it is primary day in NH and I’m happy it is almost over. While I totally understand the stakes in this race I have to admit I’m a little sick of being stuck in the middle of all the hustle and national coverage. Sunday during one of our weekly breakfast runs to our favorite diner we spent the entire meal sitting next to a Boston (WBZ) news crew interviewing patrons about their political views.
This isn’t the first time this has happened to us, this also happened at a little diner up in Manchester NH that we frequent. As we were sitting eating our breakfast Gov Bill Richardson campaign and news crew came into the diner. It seems like the tiny state of New Hampshire suddenly comes alive every 4 years.
Upon returning home this Sunday we received no less than 3 calls from Hillary Clinton campaign inviting us to her final rally Monday night and it was by list only, if you didn’t get your name on the list you couldn’t attend. .. Needless to say my wife and I declined the invite.
I have received a couple of comments on the pictures I recently posted that really hit me. They were so positive that it helps put things further into perspective for me. I want to personally thank those people for the comments because they were unsolicited and to be, an unsolicited comment is a genuine comment! I am of the belief that if it was something negative then they simply would not take the time to post so it doesn’t get much more basic than that!
In the coming days at the advice of a friend I will be going through some old photographs and hopefully get some before and after shots up to show the changes. I think the difference is something that can certainly help other people going through this issue. I’ve come a long way since Aug of 2005, so if I can do it then anyone can.
I was discussing this with my friend Annah yesterday and mentioned how just 2 years ago I couldn’t even discuss this issue with someone else, now I am able to post pictures and not feel bad about it. The old saying "You’ve come a long way baby" is certainly fitting in this circumstance.
Until next time Keep Rockin
~K~
This isn’t the first time this has happened to us, this also happened at a little diner up in Manchester NH that we frequent. As we were sitting eating our breakfast Gov Bill Richardson campaign and news crew came into the diner. It seems like the tiny state of New Hampshire suddenly comes alive every 4 years.
Upon returning home this Sunday we received no less than 3 calls from Hillary Clinton campaign inviting us to her final rally Monday night and it was by list only, if you didn’t get your name on the list you couldn’t attend. .. Needless to say my wife and I declined the invite.
I have received a couple of comments on the pictures I recently posted that really hit me. They were so positive that it helps put things further into perspective for me. I want to personally thank those people for the comments because they were unsolicited and to be, an unsolicited comment is a genuine comment! I am of the belief that if it was something negative then they simply would not take the time to post so it doesn’t get much more basic than that!
In the coming days at the advice of a friend I will be going through some old photographs and hopefully get some before and after shots up to show the changes. I think the difference is something that can certainly help other people going through this issue. I’ve come a long way since Aug of 2005, so if I can do it then anyone can.
I was discussing this with my friend Annah yesterday and mentioned how just 2 years ago I couldn’t even discuss this issue with someone else, now I am able to post pictures and not feel bad about it. The old saying "You’ve come a long way baby" is certainly fitting in this circumstance.
Until next time Keep Rockin
~K~
Jan 7, 2008
Family fun
This was time well spent with my daughter and grand daughter this weekend. I had a blast and hopefully the picture conveys the happiness.
~K~
Jan 6, 2008
1st 08 photo
One of the things I'd said was that I would try and post newer pictures of the changes. So as promised here is the first picture of 08 from New Years....Hope it does me justice...
~K~
Jan 4, 2008
2008 will be my year
Ok as previously mention the last blog was a sort of flush of the old year and this one should be a focus of the New Year. Not that much changes of interest or we cannot predict the future the things I’m about to write are going to be the focus (Hopefully successful) for the coming months.
HRT~ I already have taken my first blood test of the New Year and have my first Dr’s appointment coming up. The nice thing for me now is that my Dr is now in her own practice and she is a Trans Girl that had her surgery last summer. This means she not only has a profound understanding of what I am going through but she knows exactly what to look for in the process. During my last appointment she made a sort of push to get me to start using my new name at the office. (Her exact words were, you need to get used to it) Generally because all my legal medical info and Insurance are in my male name, that’s how I have been presenting there as to not cause confusion. My first goal of 2008 is to go to my next Dr’s visit wearing "Normal" clothes. While I’m not sure I have the courage to do this yet, I’m trying to have positive focus
**Normal Clothes** is what Dee refers too as me wearing female attire, she now considers my male clothing "drag" and makes no effort to hide that. If anything she hates that I still hold onto it
Visual~ As I’ve stated recently, I am finally seeing myself as female in the mirror more consistently. It’s has been the single worst emotion to deal with internally over the past year. In seeing this in myself now, it means that I’m becoming more comfortable with myself visually. What I’m hoping to start doing with this blog over the coming months will be to start sharing pictures of myself more and maybe even show older photos to show the differences.
I have a few friends who have stated to me at various times that it is an interesting process to watch unfold. I guess from a scientific stand point that is true, even if it takes a lot to follow someone you care about throughout the twists and turns. If anything I’m hoping it helps someone else whom is dealing with the same issues as I am.
Getting out as me~ This will be a huge goal for me this year. I think being somewhat stalled has had a negative impact on my daily happiness. I’ve noticed that the more improvement I am able to achieve, the better my mood is. Remove any forward movement or step backwards and I end up feeling down. I know what the inevitable is in this whole thing, I need to make sure I step up and do something about it. The more I am able to accomplish this, the more free I will end up feeling.
Name Change~ The focus of this goes hand in hand with getting out, I can’t change my name if I’m not out and I can’t be me full time if I don’t change my name (Let’s face it this has caused me grief already). I knew back in Sept on my trip to Chicago that this would need to happen fairly soon. Having a hard time getting through airport security or even getting into a bar using my male ID has caused issues. The more changes that happen to my appearance and the more grief I’ll get. 3 days ago we were comparing a newer picture of me to my old driver license photo. Upon comparing the two Dee looked at me and told me that it was really time to get a new ID, there’s too many changes form then to now.
My Ultimate goal for this is the first quarter of 08 but in all honesty that might be a bit unattainable. So what I’m laying the groundwork for is hopefully the first quarter of 08 no later than summer 08.
Some people might think it is easy to just jump and do it but the process seems to be one of a lot of work all at one time. Once filing for the name change all your affairs need to be readied for your big court date. Once you leave court with your new name you are no longer legally allowed to use your old name. This means it is better to plan on changing your legal documents all in the same day (Drivers License, Social Security, Bank Accounts) it would seem like you have a lot to get done quickly. The last part of that will be that work will need to be notified of the change date to change all my records over. It sounds like a very large task to complete quickly. The one thing I’m curious over is the deed to my home and how that is handled so if you’re reading this and you know the answer please email me.
Electrolysis~ As anyone that transitions from Male to Female one of the obstacles we need to overcome is facial hair. Let's face it, that is one of the most identifiable male traits going and one I hated deeply. At the point I'm at now I've had 2 years worth of laser treatments that eliminated virtually all my dark coarse hair. (YAY!) The sad part of this is that the laser does not affect gray hair and unfortunately at my age I have some. I still have gray from my chin down to my neck. My saving grace in this is that my hair is almost pure white and doesn't show unless I do not shave it for several days.
Guitar~ What I don’t think I’ve ever discussed much on this blog before are my outside interests. One of the main loves I’ve had most of my life is guitar. This past Dec marked 30 years since I got my first guitar and totally fell in love with the instrument. One of the things that I’ve missed the most is playing in a band and playing consistently. Before I had started my transition my guitar was always my way of coping with whatever I was going through at the time. As I started to hit my depression I had lost my love of playing nd had a creative block. I had felt I lost a strong part of my personality.
Once I started working on myself this block lifted and my passion started to return. Not a bad thing, it’s an awesome outlet. What creates the misery is my desire to play in a band again. It gets kind of tough being in limbo such as I am. Lets face it not too many people are willing to be accepting of TG people let alone someone in the middle of transition.
At this point I’d love to get back into it. I’d love to find a rock band that either will accept a TG guitarist or a girl band who would allow me to just try and blend in and concentrate on playing again. So hopefully somehow 2008 will reopen this door for me. If you are in a band in Ma or NH and are interested in working with me, I’d love to hear from you …
This Blog~ I am considering expanding this into a full website in the near future. My belief is that if I can help or educate just one person then I've had a good reason for doing this. I believe the sacrifice of being public is worth even one persons self worth. Hopefully I can make the time for this
As all of this unfolds and life grows a bit more normal I want to just awake everyday without this being the main topic of my life, I just want to live and feel normal without being concerned about these types of goals. What I do hope to do is continue having a presence in helping people and getting more involved, it was a promise I made to my friend when she helped me and it is just the right thing to do.
Lastly and most importantly we have decided to consider relocation a strong possibility now. This was discussed even in my latest counseling session this week and I’ve been gauging different real estate markets to see what may be possible. It would help me start fresh and live my new life as me without having the burden of people remembering the past life. Lately it seems the old life has been clashing with the new one more and more in other peoples interactions with me and it doesn’t help me move forward. Sometimes it seems like people just want the change to happen overnight and be done with it but I truly wonder if they will see who I am as opposed to who I was. While this decision will not be held lightly it is definitely one we feel we need to be open to now. I would surely miss the people I love but it would remove the burden we sometimes feel is being created in the process.
What needs to be in place is all the previous mentioned before this would happen, then we could simply start fresh. I would miss New England badly but at this point we aren’t seeing any other alternatives.
Hopefully 2008 will be a good one, if anything I’ll do my best to make it good
~K~
HRT~ I already have taken my first blood test of the New Year and have my first Dr’s appointment coming up. The nice thing for me now is that my Dr is now in her own practice and she is a Trans Girl that had her surgery last summer. This means she not only has a profound understanding of what I am going through but she knows exactly what to look for in the process. During my last appointment she made a sort of push to get me to start using my new name at the office. (Her exact words were, you need to get used to it) Generally because all my legal medical info and Insurance are in my male name, that’s how I have been presenting there as to not cause confusion. My first goal of 2008 is to go to my next Dr’s visit wearing "Normal" clothes. While I’m not sure I have the courage to do this yet, I’m trying to have positive focus
**Normal Clothes** is what Dee refers too as me wearing female attire, she now considers my male clothing "drag" and makes no effort to hide that. If anything she hates that I still hold onto it
Visual~ As I’ve stated recently, I am finally seeing myself as female in the mirror more consistently. It’s has been the single worst emotion to deal with internally over the past year. In seeing this in myself now, it means that I’m becoming more comfortable with myself visually. What I’m hoping to start doing with this blog over the coming months will be to start sharing pictures of myself more and maybe even show older photos to show the differences.
I have a few friends who have stated to me at various times that it is an interesting process to watch unfold. I guess from a scientific stand point that is true, even if it takes a lot to follow someone you care about throughout the twists and turns. If anything I’m hoping it helps someone else whom is dealing with the same issues as I am.
Getting out as me~ This will be a huge goal for me this year. I think being somewhat stalled has had a negative impact on my daily happiness. I’ve noticed that the more improvement I am able to achieve, the better my mood is. Remove any forward movement or step backwards and I end up feeling down. I know what the inevitable is in this whole thing, I need to make sure I step up and do something about it. The more I am able to accomplish this, the more free I will end up feeling.
Name Change~ The focus of this goes hand in hand with getting out, I can’t change my name if I’m not out and I can’t be me full time if I don’t change my name (Let’s face it this has caused me grief already). I knew back in Sept on my trip to Chicago that this would need to happen fairly soon. Having a hard time getting through airport security or even getting into a bar using my male ID has caused issues. The more changes that happen to my appearance and the more grief I’ll get. 3 days ago we were comparing a newer picture of me to my old driver license photo. Upon comparing the two Dee looked at me and told me that it was really time to get a new ID, there’s too many changes form then to now.
My Ultimate goal for this is the first quarter of 08 but in all honesty that might be a bit unattainable. So what I’m laying the groundwork for is hopefully the first quarter of 08 no later than summer 08.
Some people might think it is easy to just jump and do it but the process seems to be one of a lot of work all at one time. Once filing for the name change all your affairs need to be readied for your big court date. Once you leave court with your new name you are no longer legally allowed to use your old name. This means it is better to plan on changing your legal documents all in the same day (Drivers License, Social Security, Bank Accounts) it would seem like you have a lot to get done quickly. The last part of that will be that work will need to be notified of the change date to change all my records over. It sounds like a very large task to complete quickly. The one thing I’m curious over is the deed to my home and how that is handled so if you’re reading this and you know the answer please email me.
Electrolysis~ As anyone that transitions from Male to Female one of the obstacles we need to overcome is facial hair. Let's face it, that is one of the most identifiable male traits going and one I hated deeply. At the point I'm at now I've had 2 years worth of laser treatments that eliminated virtually all my dark coarse hair. (YAY!) The sad part of this is that the laser does not affect gray hair and unfortunately at my age I have some. I still have gray from my chin down to my neck. My saving grace in this is that my hair is almost pure white and doesn't show unless I do not shave it for several days.
The beginning of 08 I need to find a good local person to finish removing it the conventional way ..1 hair at a time. I'm not looking forward to the pain but I am looking forward to being completely free of facial hair ....
Guitar~ What I don’t think I’ve ever discussed much on this blog before are my outside interests. One of the main loves I’ve had most of my life is guitar. This past Dec marked 30 years since I got my first guitar and totally fell in love with the instrument. One of the things that I’ve missed the most is playing in a band and playing consistently. Before I had started my transition my guitar was always my way of coping with whatever I was going through at the time. As I started to hit my depression I had lost my love of playing nd had a creative block. I had felt I lost a strong part of my personality.
Once I started working on myself this block lifted and my passion started to return. Not a bad thing, it’s an awesome outlet. What creates the misery is my desire to play in a band again. It gets kind of tough being in limbo such as I am. Lets face it not too many people are willing to be accepting of TG people let alone someone in the middle of transition.
At this point I’d love to get back into it. I’d love to find a rock band that either will accept a TG guitarist or a girl band who would allow me to just try and blend in and concentrate on playing again. So hopefully somehow 2008 will reopen this door for me. If you are in a band in Ma or NH and are interested in working with me, I’d love to hear from you …
This Blog~ I am considering expanding this into a full website in the near future. My belief is that if I can help or educate just one person then I've had a good reason for doing this. I believe the sacrifice of being public is worth even one persons self worth. Hopefully I can make the time for this
As all of this unfolds and life grows a bit more normal I want to just awake everyday without this being the main topic of my life, I just want to live and feel normal without being concerned about these types of goals. What I do hope to do is continue having a presence in helping people and getting more involved, it was a promise I made to my friend when she helped me and it is just the right thing to do.
Lastly and most importantly we have decided to consider relocation a strong possibility now. This was discussed even in my latest counseling session this week and I’ve been gauging different real estate markets to see what may be possible. It would help me start fresh and live my new life as me without having the burden of people remembering the past life. Lately it seems the old life has been clashing with the new one more and more in other peoples interactions with me and it doesn’t help me move forward. Sometimes it seems like people just want the change to happen overnight and be done with it but I truly wonder if they will see who I am as opposed to who I was. While this decision will not be held lightly it is definitely one we feel we need to be open to now. I would surely miss the people I love but it would remove the burden we sometimes feel is being created in the process.
What needs to be in place is all the previous mentioned before this would happen, then we could simply start fresh. I would miss New England badly but at this point we aren’t seeing any other alternatives.
Hopefully 2008 will be a good one, if anything I’ll do my best to make it good
~K~
Jan 2, 2008
Happy New Year peeps
Hey, Happy New Year! I guess it has been a while since I last posted and I hope that anyone who actually reads this had a good holiday season. I haven’t posted in a while for various reasons and at one point I’ve even considered closing this blog down. I wrote a blog that apparently hurt some people in my family. While this was never my intention after walking away from the explosion it has left me second-guessing everything I write now. This in itself makes me wonder if it is worth keeping it open
So before I get rolling let me state the purpose of this blog.
It is a bit of therapy for me. It is a way for me to get my experiences out regarding my life and my transition. In some ways this is an avenue for me to purge my own thoughts and vent. While it is not meant to hurt others it isn’t about them, it’s about my feelings. What I find when I am not allowed to get those thoughts out is that I end up shutting down and closing in on myself. This was the perfect avenue to deal with all the environmental changes around hormones and transition. I cannot always please other people, on the flip side I cannot always allow people to shut me up either. It simply isn’t healthy for me.
This is probably the more important of the two for me. When I started my transition I not only had a hard time discussing it with the people around me, but I was very reserved about outing myself even on the Internet. It was a paranoia that I needed to overcome. When I met Annah she was willing to talk to me, point me in the right direction and most of all be there for the hardest parts. All she ever asked in return is that I give back in someway to make things easier for the people behind me. This blog was part of my way of giving back, educating and showing others that there is hope. I want people to know that this can be done in a positive way and that their lives a worth being happy. I want this site to have enough value that someone who may be lost in GID can see they are not alone. Lastly I want people who do not understand it to walk away with some education of what we have to go through and understand we are just human beings.
So with that said I would attempt to start a New Year with this blog and see how it goes. What I will say is that if I cannot speak my mind to help myself then I will simply call it a day and see if I can figure out how to deal with things. So off we go.
I wanted to take this time to talk about the past year and what the New Year could and should hold for me.
2007~ Has been a great year for me albeit sometimes painful at times.
HRT~ The hormones have done some wondrous work to me both emotionally and physically. My thought process has changed greatly and seems to be more in line with the way I normally think. I do not miss the chaotic feeling the testosterone gave me. My skin has softened beyond belief and I’m never anything short of amazed in the difference in the texture. I often run my hand over a soft spot that I hadn’t noticed before and get lost in how different it feels. It’s one of the nicest changes.
My breast development has continued to blossom and I can say I am currently a 38B now. From the things that I have read breast development is strongest in the first 2 years, this means January 2008 marks the turning point for what I can expect. In a recent BBC special about a teen transsexual they listed hormones at causing breast growth in only 50% of TG’s. If this number is fact then I will say that I have been one of the lucky ones. I still at times wish I had a little fuller breast but I don’t discount what I’ve already gotten.
Health~ Funny enough this is something that has changes a great deal for me. Before I started transition I would do whatever I could to avoid the Dr. I never took very good care of myself in a health care manner. In 2006 I researched HRT on my own and bought overseas hormones. This is something I do not recommend to anyone but I do understand why people do this. 2007 saw me getting the first physical help for my transition. What it has led to is seeing the Dr regularly as well as getting blood work done to make sure that both my hormone levels are good nut more importantly my body is staying healthy. I’ve seen the Dr more this past year than the entire previous 10 years combined.
Coming out~ Starting last Feb I told the first people in our family outside of our immediate family (My daughter and wife) I broke the news to the people closest to me and almost everyone except a very few know now. This has not only been empowering for me but at times hard for me to let go of the secret and hope I won’t be judged poorly. For the most part I’ve been accepted better than I expected but this hasn’t been without its faults at times. A few of these things did a number on me emotionally over the holidays.
I made a visit to see some friends in Chicago and while I never once went out wearing the proper clothes I was addressed and treated as Karyn the entire time. This was something that I will keep in my heart for a very long time and I hope my friends understand the gift they gave me in the process.
Appearance~ While I made very little progress in the changeover of my clothing I have gone from being sir’ed to Maam’ed 98% of the time now. It has been a strange process wondering how I’m being seen by others and it does play with the head quite a bit. I find it odd that I can go out in a male T-shirt, jeans and ball cap and get maamed yet my friends say they don’t see any changes. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with and is part of why I have such a hard time changing my clothes over. I recently told my wife that I thin k I am afraid to go out in female attire and get sir’ed That to me would be the a huge step back and do damage. Still, I’m sure it’s just my own personal fears. This is certainly like being caught between heaven and hell at times.
Visualization~ One of the things in this whole process is how we see ourselves in the mirror.. Between hormones and removal of facial hair it is a crazy thing to see in the mirror. At the end of the day we need to see ourselves visually as the gender we have in our minds, after all that is what this is really all about. It took a lot of 2007 for me to get to this point but I can honestly say most of the time I see female in the mirror now. I’m loving every minute of that as I’m feeling more at home as I see it. When 07 started this was one of the biggest downers for me, I never thought I’d see it because Kevin was just so strong in my mind. I love this change …
Family~ We became grandparents this year and I have to say this was hard on me. I did my best to not get involved as to not get hurt but in the end I have a beautiful granddaughter that I love dearly. I only hope I am able to be around and watch her grow up for a long time to come.
Dee~ When I started this transition my biggest fear was the reaction of my wife. While she told me she was supportive and she was here for the long haul it was tough to believe. The big fear in the back of my mind was that she would suddenly see that the changes were not ones that she had anticipated and I would no longer be the same person she loved. I’m happy to say this never materialized and in fact the dynamics of our relationship has changed drastically. While we are still soul mates and lovers we have now gained a new girlish friendship. This part of the whole process was something I’d never anticipated and I love immensely. This has strengthened the bond between us and I couldn’t ask for a better person to love.
At the end of this past year (last few weeks) I’ve finally found girls jeans that I can be comfortable enough wearing all the time. I’ve done this on several occasions now without that old fear that I would normally have. I’m hoping this is the start of a bigger 2008 for me in my growth. That growth is something that I will reserve for the next post.
For now, Happy New Year and I hope you all are healthy happy
~K~
So before I get rolling let me state the purpose of this blog.
It is a bit of therapy for me. It is a way for me to get my experiences out regarding my life and my transition. In some ways this is an avenue for me to purge my own thoughts and vent. While it is not meant to hurt others it isn’t about them, it’s about my feelings. What I find when I am not allowed to get those thoughts out is that I end up shutting down and closing in on myself. This was the perfect avenue to deal with all the environmental changes around hormones and transition. I cannot always please other people, on the flip side I cannot always allow people to shut me up either. It simply isn’t healthy for me.
This is probably the more important of the two for me. When I started my transition I not only had a hard time discussing it with the people around me, but I was very reserved about outing myself even on the Internet. It was a paranoia that I needed to overcome. When I met Annah she was willing to talk to me, point me in the right direction and most of all be there for the hardest parts. All she ever asked in return is that I give back in someway to make things easier for the people behind me. This blog was part of my way of giving back, educating and showing others that there is hope. I want people to know that this can be done in a positive way and that their lives a worth being happy. I want this site to have enough value that someone who may be lost in GID can see they are not alone. Lastly I want people who do not understand it to walk away with some education of what we have to go through and understand we are just human beings.
So with that said I would attempt to start a New Year with this blog and see how it goes. What I will say is that if I cannot speak my mind to help myself then I will simply call it a day and see if I can figure out how to deal with things. So off we go.
I wanted to take this time to talk about the past year and what the New Year could and should hold for me.
2007~ Has been a great year for me albeit sometimes painful at times.
HRT~ The hormones have done some wondrous work to me both emotionally and physically. My thought process has changed greatly and seems to be more in line with the way I normally think. I do not miss the chaotic feeling the testosterone gave me. My skin has softened beyond belief and I’m never anything short of amazed in the difference in the texture. I often run my hand over a soft spot that I hadn’t noticed before and get lost in how different it feels. It’s one of the nicest changes.
My breast development has continued to blossom and I can say I am currently a 38B now. From the things that I have read breast development is strongest in the first 2 years, this means January 2008 marks the turning point for what I can expect. In a recent BBC special about a teen transsexual they listed hormones at causing breast growth in only 50% of TG’s. If this number is fact then I will say that I have been one of the lucky ones. I still at times wish I had a little fuller breast but I don’t discount what I’ve already gotten.
Health~ Funny enough this is something that has changes a great deal for me. Before I started transition I would do whatever I could to avoid the Dr. I never took very good care of myself in a health care manner. In 2006 I researched HRT on my own and bought overseas hormones. This is something I do not recommend to anyone but I do understand why people do this. 2007 saw me getting the first physical help for my transition. What it has led to is seeing the Dr regularly as well as getting blood work done to make sure that both my hormone levels are good nut more importantly my body is staying healthy. I’ve seen the Dr more this past year than the entire previous 10 years combined.
Coming out~ Starting last Feb I told the first people in our family outside of our immediate family (My daughter and wife) I broke the news to the people closest to me and almost everyone except a very few know now. This has not only been empowering for me but at times hard for me to let go of the secret and hope I won’t be judged poorly. For the most part I’ve been accepted better than I expected but this hasn’t been without its faults at times. A few of these things did a number on me emotionally over the holidays.
I made a visit to see some friends in Chicago and while I never once went out wearing the proper clothes I was addressed and treated as Karyn the entire time. This was something that I will keep in my heart for a very long time and I hope my friends understand the gift they gave me in the process.
Appearance~ While I made very little progress in the changeover of my clothing I have gone from being sir’ed to Maam’ed 98% of the time now. It has been a strange process wondering how I’m being seen by others and it does play with the head quite a bit. I find it odd that I can go out in a male T-shirt, jeans and ball cap and get maamed yet my friends say they don’t see any changes. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with and is part of why I have such a hard time changing my clothes over. I recently told my wife that I thin k I am afraid to go out in female attire and get sir’ed That to me would be the a huge step back and do damage. Still, I’m sure it’s just my own personal fears. This is certainly like being caught between heaven and hell at times.
Visualization~ One of the things in this whole process is how we see ourselves in the mirror.. Between hormones and removal of facial hair it is a crazy thing to see in the mirror. At the end of the day we need to see ourselves visually as the gender we have in our minds, after all that is what this is really all about. It took a lot of 2007 for me to get to this point but I can honestly say most of the time I see female in the mirror now. I’m loving every minute of that as I’m feeling more at home as I see it. When 07 started this was one of the biggest downers for me, I never thought I’d see it because Kevin was just so strong in my mind. I love this change …
Family~ We became grandparents this year and I have to say this was hard on me. I did my best to not get involved as to not get hurt but in the end I have a beautiful granddaughter that I love dearly. I only hope I am able to be around and watch her grow up for a long time to come.
Dee~ When I started this transition my biggest fear was the reaction of my wife. While she told me she was supportive and she was here for the long haul it was tough to believe. The big fear in the back of my mind was that she would suddenly see that the changes were not ones that she had anticipated and I would no longer be the same person she loved. I’m happy to say this never materialized and in fact the dynamics of our relationship has changed drastically. While we are still soul mates and lovers we have now gained a new girlish friendship. This part of the whole process was something I’d never anticipated and I love immensely. This has strengthened the bond between us and I couldn’t ask for a better person to love.
At the end of this past year (last few weeks) I’ve finally found girls jeans that I can be comfortable enough wearing all the time. I’ve done this on several occasions now without that old fear that I would normally have. I’m hoping this is the start of a bigger 2008 for me in my growth. That growth is something that I will reserve for the next post.
For now, Happy New Year and I hope you all are healthy happy
~K~
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