Jan 4, 2008

2008 will be my year

Ok as previously mention the last blog was a sort of flush of the old year and this one should be a focus of the New Year. Not that much changes of interest or we cannot predict the future the things I’m about to write are going to be the focus (Hopefully successful) for the coming months.

HRT~ I already have taken my first blood test of the New Year and have my first Dr’s appointment coming up. The nice thing for me now is that my Dr is now in her own practice and she is a Trans Girl that had her surgery last summer. This means she not only has a profound understanding of what I am going through but she knows exactly what to look for in the process. During my last appointment she made a sort of push to get me to start using my new name at the office. (Her exact words were, you need to get used to it) Generally because all my legal medical info and Insurance are in my male name, that’s how I have been presenting there as to not cause confusion. My first goal of 2008 is to go to my next Dr’s visit wearing "Normal" clothes. While I’m not sure I have the courage to do this yet, I’m trying to have positive focus

**Normal Clothes** is what Dee refers too as me wearing female attire, she now considers my male clothing "drag" and makes no effort to hide that. If anything she hates that I still hold onto it

Visual~ As I’ve stated recently, I am finally seeing myself as female in the mirror more consistently. It’s has been the single worst emotion to deal with internally over the past year. In seeing this in myself now, it means that I’m becoming more comfortable with myself visually. What I’m hoping to start doing with this blog over the coming months will be to start sharing pictures of myself more and maybe even show older photos to show the differences.

I have a few friends who have stated to me at various times that it is an interesting process to watch unfold. I guess from a scientific stand point that is true, even if it takes a lot to follow someone you care about throughout the twists and turns. If anything I’m hoping it helps someone else whom is dealing with the same issues as I am.

Getting out as me~ This will be a huge goal for me this year. I think being somewhat stalled has had a negative impact on my daily happiness. I’ve noticed that the more improvement I am able to achieve, the better my mood is. Remove any forward movement or step backwards and I end up feeling down. I know what the inevitable is in this whole thing, I need to make sure I step up and do something about it. The more I am able to accomplish this, the more free I will end up feeling.

Name Change~ The focus of this goes hand in hand with getting out, I can’t change my name if I’m not out and I can’t be me full time if I don’t change my name (Let’s face it this has caused me grief already). I knew back in Sept on my trip to Chicago that this would need to happen fairly soon. Having a hard time getting through airport security or even getting into a bar using my male ID has caused issues. The more changes that happen to my appearance and the more grief I’ll get. 3 days ago we were comparing a newer picture of me to my old driver license photo. Upon comparing the two Dee looked at me and told me that it was really time to get a new ID, there’s too many changes form then to now.

My Ultimate goal for this is the first quarter of 08 but in all honesty that might be a bit unattainable. So what I’m laying the groundwork for is hopefully the first quarter of 08 no later than summer 08.

Some people might think it is easy to just jump and do it but the process seems to be one of a lot of work all at one time. Once filing for the name change all your affairs need to be readied for your big court date. Once you leave court with your new name you are no longer legally allowed to use your old name. This means it is better to plan on changing your legal documents all in the same day (Drivers License, Social Security, Bank Accounts) it would seem like you have a lot to get done quickly. The last part of that will be that work will need to be notified of the change date to change all my records over. It sounds like a very large task to complete quickly. The one thing I’m curious over is the deed to my home and how that is handled so if you’re reading this and you know the answer please email me.

Electrolysis~ As anyone that transitions from Male to Female one of the obstacles we need to overcome is facial hair. Let's face it, that is one of the most identifiable male traits going and one I hated deeply. At the point I'm at now I've had 2 years worth of laser treatments that eliminated virtually all my dark coarse hair. (YAY!) The sad part of this is that the laser does not affect gray hair and unfortunately at my age I have some. I still have gray from my chin down to my neck. My saving grace in this is that my hair is almost pure white and doesn't show unless I do not shave it for several days.

The beginning of 08 I need to find a good local person to finish removing it the conventional way ..1 hair at a time. I'm not looking forward to the pain but I am looking forward to being completely free of facial hair ....

Guitar~ What I don’t think I’ve ever discussed much on this blog before are my outside interests. One of the main loves I’ve had most of my life is guitar. This past Dec marked 30 years since I got my first guitar and totally fell in love with the instrument. One of the things that I’ve missed the most is playing in a band and playing consistently. Before I had started my transition my guitar was always my way of coping with whatever I was going through at the time. As I started to hit my depression I had lost my love of playing nd had a creative block. I had felt I lost a strong part of my personality.

Once I started working on myself this block lifted and my passion started to return. Not a bad thing, it’s an awesome outlet. What creates the misery is my desire to play in a band again. It gets kind of tough being in limbo such as I am. Lets face it not too many people are willing to be accepting of TG people let alone someone in the middle of transition.
At this point I’d love to get back into it. I’d love to find a rock band that either will accept a TG guitarist or a girl band who would allow me to just try and blend in and concentrate on playing again. So hopefully somehow 2008 will reopen this door for me. If you are in a band in Ma or NH and are interested in working with me, I’d love to hear from you …

This Blog~ I am considering expanding this into a full website in the near future. My belief is that if I can help or educate just one person then I've had a good reason for doing this. I believe the sacrifice of being public is worth even one persons self worth. Hopefully I can make the time for this

As all of this unfolds and life grows a bit more normal I want to just awake everyday without this being the main topic of my life, I just want to live and feel normal without being concerned about these types of goals. What I do hope to do is continue having a presence in helping people and getting more involved, it was a promise I made to my friend when she helped me and it is just the right thing to do.

Lastly and most importantly we have decided to consider relocation a strong possibility now. This was discussed even in my latest counseling session this week and I’ve been gauging different real estate markets to see what may be possible. It would help me start fresh and live my new life as me without having the burden of people remembering the past life. Lately it seems the old life has been clashing with the new one more and more in other peoples interactions with me and it doesn’t help me move forward. Sometimes it seems like people just want the change to happen overnight and be done with it but I truly wonder if they will see who I am as opposed to who I was. While this decision will not be held lightly it is definitely one we feel we need to be open to now. I would surely miss the people I love but it would remove the burden we sometimes feel is being created in the process.

What needs to be in place is all the previous mentioned before this would happen, then we could simply start fresh. I would miss New England badly but at this point we aren’t seeing any other alternatives.

Hopefully 2008 will be a good one, if anything I’ll do my best to make it good

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