Jan 2, 2008

Happy New Year peeps

Hey, Happy New Year! I guess it has been a while since I last posted and I hope that anyone who actually reads this had a good holiday season. I haven’t posted in a while for various reasons and at one point I’ve even considered closing this blog down. I wrote a blog that apparently hurt some people in my family. While this was never my intention after walking away from the explosion it has left me second-guessing everything I write now. This in itself makes me wonder if it is worth keeping it open

So before I get rolling let me state the purpose of this blog.

It is a bit of therapy for me. It is a way for me to get my experiences out regarding my life and my transition. In some ways this is an avenue for me to purge my own thoughts and vent. While it is not meant to hurt others it isn’t about them, it’s about my feelings. What I find when I am not allowed to get those thoughts out is that I end up shutting down and closing in on myself. This was the perfect avenue to deal with all the environmental changes around hormones and transition. I cannot always please other people, on the flip side I cannot always allow people to shut me up either. It simply isn’t healthy for me.

This is probably the more important of the two for me. When I started my transition I not only had a hard time discussing it with the people around me, but I was very reserved about outing myself even on the Internet. It was a paranoia that I needed to overcome. When I met Annah she was willing to talk to me, point me in the right direction and most of all be there for the hardest parts. All she ever asked in return is that I give back in someway to make things easier for the people behind me. This blog was part of my way of giving back, educating and showing others that there is hope. I want people to know that this can be done in a positive way and that their lives a worth being happy. I want this site to have enough value that someone who may be lost in GID can see they are not alone. Lastly I want people who do not understand it to walk away with some education of what we have to go through and understand we are just human beings.

So with that said I would attempt to start a New Year with this blog and see how it goes. What I will say is that if I cannot speak my mind to help myself then I will simply call it a day and see if I can figure out how to deal with things. So off we go.
I wanted to take this time to talk about the past year and what the New Year could and should hold for me.

2007~ Has been a great year for me albeit sometimes painful at times.

HRT~ The hormones have done some wondrous work to me both emotionally and physically. My thought process has changed greatly and seems to be more in line with the way I normally think. I do not miss the chaotic feeling the testosterone gave me. My skin has softened beyond belief and I’m never anything short of amazed in the difference in the texture. I often run my hand over a soft spot that I hadn’t noticed before and get lost in how different it feels. It’s one of the nicest changes.

My breast development has continued to blossom and I can say I am currently a 38B now. From the things that I have read breast development is strongest in the first 2 years, this means January 2008 marks the turning point for what I can expect. In a recent BBC special about a teen transsexual they listed hormones at causing breast growth in only 50% of TG’s. If this number is fact then I will say that I have been one of the lucky ones. I still at times wish I had a little fuller breast but I don’t discount what I’ve already gotten.

Health~ Funny enough this is something that has changes a great deal for me. Before I started transition I would do whatever I could to avoid the Dr. I never took very good care of myself in a health care manner. In 2006 I researched HRT on my own and bought overseas hormones. This is something I do not recommend to anyone but I do understand why people do this. 2007 saw me getting the first physical help for my transition. What it has led to is seeing the Dr regularly as well as getting blood work done to make sure that both my hormone levels are good nut more importantly my body is staying healthy. I’ve seen the Dr more this past year than the entire previous 10 years combined.

Coming out~ Starting last Feb I told the first people in our family outside of our immediate family (My daughter and wife) I broke the news to the people closest to me and almost everyone except a very few know now. This has not only been empowering for me but at times hard for me to let go of the secret and hope I won’t be judged poorly. For the most part I’ve been accepted better than I expected but this hasn’t been without its faults at times. A few of these things did a number on me emotionally over the holidays.

I made a visit to see some friends in Chicago and while I never once went out wearing the proper clothes I was addressed and treated as Karyn the entire time. This was something that I will keep in my heart for a very long time and I hope my friends understand the gift they gave me in the process.

Appearance~ While I made very little progress in the changeover of my clothing I have gone from being sir’ed to Maam’ed 98% of the time now. It has been a strange process wondering how I’m being seen by others and it does play with the head quite a bit. I find it odd that I can go out in a male T-shirt, jeans and ball cap and get maamed yet my friends say they don’t see any changes. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with and is part of why I have such a hard time changing my clothes over. I recently told my wife that I thin k I am afraid to go out in female attire and get sir’ed That to me would be the a huge step back and do damage. Still, I’m sure it’s just my own personal fears. This is certainly like being caught between heaven and hell at times.

Visualization~ One of the things in this whole process is how we see ourselves in the mirror.. Between hormones and removal of facial hair it is a crazy thing to see in the mirror. At the end of the day we need to see ourselves visually as the gender we have in our minds, after all that is what this is really all about. It took a lot of 2007 for me to get to this point but I can honestly say most of the time I see female in the mirror now. I’m loving every minute of that as I’m feeling more at home as I see it. When 07 started this was one of the biggest downers for me, I never thought I’d see it because Kevin was just so strong in my mind. I love this change …

Family~ We became grandparents this year and I have to say this was hard on me. I did my best to not get involved as to not get hurt but in the end I have a beautiful granddaughter that I love dearly. I only hope I am able to be around and watch her grow up for a long time to come.

Dee~ When I started this transition my biggest fear was the reaction of my wife. While she told me she was supportive and she was here for the long haul it was tough to believe. The big fear in the back of my mind was that she would suddenly see that the changes were not ones that she had anticipated and I would no longer be the same person she loved. I’m happy to say this never materialized and in fact the dynamics of our relationship has changed drastically. While we are still soul mates and lovers we have now gained a new girlish friendship. This part of the whole process was something I’d never anticipated and I love immensely. This has strengthened the bond between us and I couldn’t ask for a better person to love.
At the end of this past year (last few weeks) I’ve finally found girls jeans that I can be comfortable enough wearing all the time. I’ve done this on several occasions now without that old fear that I would normally have. I’m hoping this is the start of a bigger 2008 for me in my growth. That growth is something that I will reserve for the next post.

For now, Happy New Year and I hope you all are healthy happy


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