Aug 8, 2007

Back 2 the grind

Well I’m just back from another week off. (Not really I’ve been here since Monday) and I have to admit I’m pretty wiped out right now. My sleeping patterns are all messed up again and when that happens it really takes a lot out of me. I normally get up at 5am to be to work at 6am but on vacation I was staying in bed until 6:30/7am. Yeah I know for most people that’s considerably early but for me that’s late.

My body clock work in such a manner that I don’t use an alarm to get out of bed anymore, it just naturally wakes me at 5am. So you can probably see why I am dragging my feet this week. So like most people being drawn out and under rested has a major impact on not only how I move through my day, but how I emotionally deal with things as well.

It’s been a busy few weeks for me and I’ve been neglecting myself more than I should have. I guess while the whole trans thing is always there but it tends to get suppressed at times for the good of others. I spent a lot of time with family and friends this past week. Some of who don’t know what is up with me and some who do but I’m not totally comfortable letting my guard down with yet.

When I get like this it tends to slide me back into "Kev" mode and then being tired really makes the emotional side of things hard to deal with and I can get to feeling low. Dee tends to point out to me that I’m running stagnant and not focusing on my own needs and I know she is right but it’s hard to pull your ass out of that hole sometimes.

When I get this way it really makes me question what I’m doing and it will usually cause me to rethink going back to the old me. Diane is usually good about kicking me back into place and I know it all revolves around me being overtired, but I never seem to learn my lesson. Hopefully I get myself out of the funk soon..

Yesterday was a bit of a ground breaking day for me. I finally told my best friend’s wife what was up with me and the response wasn’t bad at all. She said nothing changes between us but we agreed that we wouldn’t tell my friend until after his surgery. (He’s having minor surgery at the end of the month)

My friend and I have known each other the better part of our lives or 35/36 yrs now. Over the years he has had behaviors that for lack of a better term irked the shit out of me. After an issue about 3 weeks ago it finally dawned on me that it was simply a difference in our thought process. He was just being a guy and his approach was something I could just not relate too or understand easily. After this hit me all the past issues made a lot more sense to me. It really is a male/female perspective.

Anyway, I guess it isn’t all bad I just need to get my head back in the game. Usually when this happens it involves me moving forward some more so if I end up having some positive direction from this then all the better ….


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