Aug 15, 2007

Blue times

Today’s a bit of a weird day for me. I have a counseling session tonight and I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. I’m not anticipating a good session because I’ve had a pretty low 3 weeks, In some form I’ve regressed a bit and I’m in a funk because of it. Things got awfully busy for us 3 weeks ago and keeping busy means less time to work on being me and most of all learning to be comfortable out in public.

Generally what happens in times such as this is that I make a bad habit of putting everyone ahead of my own needs, I’m simply a people pleaser at heart. When this happens and I don’t focus on my own needs I tend to get buried in the daily shuffle. The longer this goes on the further I get buried. So how did this happen?

On July 22nd my world changed for the better. My daughter gave birth to my first grandchild. While this ended up being an amazing joyous occasion for me I simply wasn’t prepared for some of the unintended fallout that would pursue. As word spread people wanting to congratulate me would stop by or call and say things like "Congrat’s gramps" "Sup Granddad? Etc. This messed with my head very deeply and with all the shuffle I hadn’t anticipate what that would do to me emotionally. It cause a lot of confusion and a downward spiral.

As we were enjoying the newness of our granddaughter I had noticed that I started getting sir’ed quite a bit. Something that hasn’t happened in quite a long time. When this happened with the droves of friend congratulating "Gramps" it just added to my misery and confusion but worst of all pushed me lower.

During this time I noticed some darker re-growth on my face, something that has ALWAYS played a very emotional role with me. Thankfully I had another laser appointment scheduled so it would bother me but I was able to take care of it.

All these things going on in my head did what it usually did, it pushed me back up on the fence and made me start re-evaluating whether or not I should just stop and attempt to live in my former role. I know what the answer should be to that but at the same time I’ve grown so tired of being stagnant and the male assigned roles by people.

In a recent email exchange with my daughter she asked how I was and I replied that I had been down a bit and that I was on the fence about stopping. I told her that I was tired of being stuck and not being able to move forward. Her response was quite a shock to me as she has always been supportive but never really gave me any indicators if I was doing the right thing.

She wrote

It will take time. Please dont just throw everything out to the wind. You NEED to take your time at doing what makes you comfortable and you need to learn where you will be comfortable for the rest of your life, weather that be going all the way or somewhere in between. What you are doing is extremely good for you. It is truly making you out to be a BETTER person all around. You are so much happier in your skin now than 5 years ago, and I would really really really REALLY hate to see the person you were 5 years ago again, not that I dont love you for you, but I really enjoy the person you are today.

This email really took me back and even made me cry a bit as it was the first time she showed me she deeply cared about the state I was in and felt I would be making a mistake by stopping. It was the first time where she went beyond being accepting and made me feel like she saw this as a no brainer, it was right for my long term well being.

I don’t think my head is any better in this game today, but at least I know I’m loved. I only hope I can pull myself out of this funk I’m in and find the courage I’ve been lacking to get back on track and take care of myself again … If anything I miss being positive about things and not lost.


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