Aug 25, 2007

Weee hours

As I sit here in my kitchen it is now 4:25 am on Sat morning, Dee is asleep here in the living room. It's been a rough emotional week for me and I'm trying hard to bounce back from the negative bullshit I posted a few short days ago. This week was one of those weeks where it would just seem like everything goes wrong at once.

Saturday Dee left the lights on in her PT cruiser and drained the battery. Normally that shouldn't be a big deal just recharge it and go. In the case of my luck lately it appears that the PT has an issue that causes the passenger windows to stop working upon recharge! Needless to say in an attempt to get them working again I blew a circuit that I could not find. This in turn cause the drivers windows to stop working as well as the convertible top. This causes an issue with the smart windows not working. When you open the door on the PT the windows drop a few inches to clear the molding, thus preserving a good seal. With this not working it would cause the windows to hit the seal and bow out ... it had to go to the garage

Final Cost- $180

Obviously next up was the issue with my sister in law which I will address later

Yesterday Dee misplaced her cellphone and we looked everywhere to find it. She naturally assumed she left it at work. After 24 hours she finally found it on the ground next t our mailbox. The mail carrier had driven over it wiping out the display

Final Cost- $350

Now I understand people make mistakes and in all honesty I am upset about these happening but I can honestly say I am not mad at her. I do however feel like a heel because for a brief instance today I snapped and became the old me, hollering and yelling like an idiot. I now realize that all the stress I've been experiencing with this transition and the current events had taken a toll on my emotional well being. I can honestly see how a little negativity can spiral into big negativity. I now realize I have no choice, I have to move forward because the old me needs to be a part of the past. I forgot what that feels like.

Work~ I have an old friend at work that always asks my advice. Recently he asked for help in picking out a new pc as he has no experience with it and feels more comfortable having someone he knows that does. I brought him a bunch of ads a week or so ago and pointed out some really good deals for him and he said he was going to go get one. I stopped in at his work area this week to see if he had and he hadn't but asked if I wasn't busy if we could hook up this weekend. As I walked out of his room I joked that he'd better do it soon because in the near future he may not want to bother with me anymore.

While this has been a joke it is also a way of me gaging reactions with certain people and to be honest I got nothing, that was until about 2pm when he walked into my room and loudly asked 'What are ya getting a sex change?"

When he didn't get the reaction he expected his attitude toned down a bit and he tried to talk about some transsexuals in another division of our company. I wasn't fully ready to out myself at work so I kept the conversation low key but never played into his game.

So why is it guys in general have to act that way? Is it a threat to their masculinity? I have to admit the more ignorance i hear come from the mouths of different men the more I realize that I was never like them. Oh I may have played the game at times to fit in but my emotions just do not work the same way. Thank God!

Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all guys are bad or all guys are jerks. I know plenty who have been great to me and supportive. It's just that those few rotten times stand out as typical male behaviour. The more I see how differently my mind works the more i understand that I'm doing the right thing.

My sister in law~ Apparently Diane sent her another copy of the original email and a copy of my blog from Tuesday. Her sister responded on Thursday morning with a note that read

I've never seen this email before, I thought Kev was referring to a different email. I will call you tonight.

She called at 8:15pm Thursday and had a conversation with Dee in which she asked why we never discussed this with her before or even personally. It hurts me to think that others right to know supersedes my right to handle things in the best emotional manner for me. In essence my own comfort. I don't blame her for it, I just know this seems to be a common factor in dealing with sensitive subjects.

She went on to ask Diane if she was alright and what out intentions as a couple were. Lastly she said that she knew nothing of this and would need to spend time researching it and lastly assured us that she loves us no matter what.

I've had a rough family life, I've dealt with a lot of loss. People in my family do not seem to love unconditionally for whatever reason they choose. When it comes to my wife and her family, the last thing I want to do is be a cause for heartache and I could never live with myself for causing the loss. It scares me to think that my working to make myself better could actually cause someone I love pain.

At the end of it all I'd rate the outcome at 50/50 but lean it more towards a positive thing, I think it will just take time. All that I can hope for myself is that I am on my way back up and hopefully even stronger

Anyway, that's about it for now. If you have kicked me in the ass this week thank you. If you were worried for my well being thank you. I can't say I feel a lot better today but I can admit that I need to be happy and keep myself focused.


1 comment:

Emily said...

craziness!!! ahhh!
i've noticed that shit like that (cell phone, car, people acting strange and being irritating) happens all at the same time so you can really experience the entire spectrum of nastiness and get it all over with. that... and the planets are behaving strangely... and it's coming on a full moon.

hope you're seeing some light at the end of this particular tunnel, Kay. :o)