Aug 29, 2007

Mid week climb

I’ve been a bit low key so far this week, I guess I figured it was in hopes of things quieting down in my life and maybe have something positive to write about. I hate writing about negative things now because I kills me to have to go back down old roads and then have to see it in writing for myself. It makes me feel like I’m going backwards.

Saturday Diane and I decided to go by the Verizon store and ask what it would cost to have her phone repaired. Well I am pleased to say that it went our way more than I had anticipated. Verizon offered to warranty the phone for $50 and a new phone should be here today. That certainly beats the $350 replacement I was originally looking at.

Monday was a bit of a rough day, it was one of those days I felt like I should have stayed in bed! Oh don’t get me wrong, on an emotional level it was perfectly fine but everything I touched Monday went sour. I ruined a bunch of cutting tools at work, a drill chuck and 2 parts!! This was a tough thing because it is so unlike me to be that inept. I just wanted to go home and restart my day like rebooting a pc after lockup!!

Other than that I need to start refocusing on not only my needs but my future. I’m almost to the point my belief is that I should just target a full time date and stick it it no matter what. That it easier said than done but I’m wondering if I just do it if I will stop damaging myself by going backwards when things get rough.

It’s been a nice week with the weather so everyday I’ve been lucky enough to take my Harley to work. This am was so awesome because the biggest brightest full moon was on the horizon today. It was breath taking to see. If anything I can at least still find beauty in my day.
Lately being lost I’d fallen of the path I was on, I stopped focusing on the more daily changes and kind of slipped into a who cares mode. So much had gone wrong and personal family issues had made things tougher to deal with that I almost had the "I give up attitude". I’m sure that was pretty apparent from the blog I posted a few days ago.

While I don’t normally put any weight into horoscopes I really thought yesterdays was cute and thought provoking

Horoscopes For Today: 8/28/2007As shallow as it might sound, sometimes looking good can help you feel good. So if you've been down in the dumps, put on the clothes that make you feel your most attractive today! You'll enjoy the day a lot more if you feel confident in your appearance -- and this will start a chain reaction of good things. If you can afford it, a shopping trip wouldn't be out of the question -- you've got a sharp eye for bargains right now and are likely to uncover one or two real finds.

It’s funny to think the stars are poking down at me trying to tell me I’m messing up and I need to take care of myself. In retrospect though it really makes a lot of sense. I have a hard time with the whole materialistic part of the change. I simply don’t equate clothing and cosmetics with what’s going on in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice clothes and playing with makeup but it certainly doesn’t define me or my GID in any way shape or form. The fact that I have to get used to is that society uses our appearance to label us female or male and it is part of the process.

I guess what it comes down to in my own mind is the thought that people associate the change in clothes with cross dressing. While I don’t look down on anyone who feels the need to express himself or herself, in that manner I do know that society has a habit of looking at it as immoral or abnormal behavior. I guess in some primitive way I may just feel a fear of being associated with something that’s viewed that way. That’s pretty stupid imo …

All in all I’m happy with everything I’ve gone through and I even appreciate the negative things I’ve gone through as well, it just makes me a stronger person in the end.
Last night my wife and I got into a deep discussion about the differences in male and female behavior. I love the fact that we can have such deep conversations about stuff like this it is so nice to be able to open up and talk about these things.

Diane had a question of me that she was hesitant to ask and it was actually quite cute. She wondered why most women had an issue with the honesty that she puts forth as though it puts them off. Diane feels she tends to offend most women with her views and she didn’t understand why. Some of the women that read this blog are identical to Diane’s type of thinking and I love having these types of women as friends.

Like some of you Diane is a no bullshit type of gal. If you ask her a question you are sure to get an honest answer from her. Most "girlie girl" type women ask a lot of loaded questions and don’t always want the truth but they want a supportive answer. Diane’s no nonsense approach can be rather boyish in emotional content, something most women not only have a hard time relating too but can be put off by.

How many times have we heard the old joke "Do these jeans make me look fat?" In fact it is a loaded question and a question that is sure to get guys in the doghouse time and time again. This is that old nurturing side that some women simply don’t want to hear the truth they want their self esteem boosted.

Diane never understood this behavior and always felt it was better to be honest than to sugar coat things and not be true to yourself. Many of my girlfriends are very much like this. These women are very strong women who can not only hang with the guys but also can put on a nice dress and ooze feminine charm. This was something I adored about my wife and to this day would have it no other way. It’s a quality I love in my friends as well. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe being nurturing is a weakness, I love even that side of feminine charm, but it is nice not having to worry about games as well. I think when you get a good balance of the two then you have good character.

Over the years Diane’s mom would get her hair dyed and as she got old she strayed towards darker colors. For a period of time she would get this dark brown reddish color that really made the red standout as the primary tone. She would be so proud of her new hair color and she would ask Diane "What do you think of my new color?"

Anyone that knows Diane would know that isn’t the question to be asking if you aren’t ready for a totally honest answer." I don’t like it" Diane would fire back, "it makes you look old!" My poor mother in law at times would look almost offended by her honest answer and Diane wouldn’t understand the hurt that it caused her mom in return. Last night I explained that her mom was in essence a "girlie girl" and was no where near Diane’s more boyish ways. This was why Diane and her mom were never as close as most mother, daughter relationships.

I’ve really learned to value this quality in Diane on several levels, it’s helped make me a better person. I’ve always taken her opinion as fact because I know she can be a brutally honest person and tell me how it is. It’s in that honesty that I know if I was making any mistakes within this transition she would tell me.

I’ve ranted enough for now ..back to the grind!


No comments: