Sep 23, 2007

Sweet Sunday

I've awoken this am to news of my beloved Redsox being the first team in baseball to clinch an American league playoff spot. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I'm a rabid Redsox fan. In fact I'm a lifelong Redsox fan all the way back to the early 70's, heck being from just north of Boston it's hard not to be. The Redsox are a deeply ingrained part of the New England culture, it really is something to experience. Go Redsox nation, next stop American League East Champions please!

My trip to Chicago bred a demon in my house. I love to cook and especially love it when I can make something that my beloved likes, she is such a fuss budget at times. During our trip to Chicago our friend Todd took over cooking duties as he, like me, loves to cook . During our second day there Todd decided to make us some of his his grand moms biscuits and gravy.So this am like every weekend we usually plan on doing breakfast but today instead of running out to our local diner, I decided to cook at home. It was only natural to ask Dee what she might like and she jumped and said biscuits! I thought I was being cute when I told her I had no canned biscuits but alas, my dear wife knew I had the stuff to make em from scratch ... Thanks Todd!!!

Just kidding.. I really didn't mind as long as she enjoys it. Then it makes me happy

Friday evening we got to spend some time with my daughter and my granddaughter, this is something I'm really enjoying. I'm so happy to see my daughter finally coming around and embracing us as her family once again. In the course of my transition Jess, along with my friends have been incredible to me. She has constantly tried to give me confidence and make me feel good about what I'm doing. Now she has taken up sides with a friend of mine to push me further and get things to where they need to be. I certainly adore her for that and am blessed to have those types of people in my corner.

So I had decided that this weekend was going to be a cooking weekend. Friday for Jess and Dee I made Fettuccine Broccoli and Chicken Alfredo. When I make this the girls make sure to request that I do homemade Alfredo and not the stuff in a jar. As always I oblige to make them happy ...yea yeah I like to cook too, I know! It seemed to come out pretty well and we all enjoyed it as usual.

After dinner Jessica wanted to talk to my friend Kristi to tell her how much she loved the baby blanket and bib that Kristi sent home with us from Chicago, So I had asked Kristi to call after work. Then it was off to Sam's club and out for Ice Cream with my girls. This was something we hadn't done as a family in quite a few years. It brought back some fond memories and now I have additional family to make more memories with. Friday night was an enjoyable and busy evening. (Story of my life)

Friday I spoke to my friend Mike briefly on the phone and some things he had to say blew me away. He used the name Karyn in the course of the conversation and told me he wants to try and help me along with things. It was very heart warming and touching. He also revealed to me that he told our old friend Scott. I was a little taken back by it but was relieved to hear Scott thought nothing less of me and felt bad that I thought I couldn't tell him. Mike knowing that we are all hoping to get together in the near future figured that it was better that Scott wasn't totally shocked in the change of my appearance. It becomes a lot more apparent to people haven't seen me for an extended period of time.

Back when I first started my counseling my friend Annah told me that the easiest way to successfully transition it was a good idea to relocate to a place where no one knows you, then you can start fresh and it is easier to get comfortable with what you are doing. I have to say that was something that I'd always wanted to try long before this but never had the backbone to just up and go. After our trip to Chicago this was something that seemed to re-enter the conversations between Dee and I. Diane feels it would be much better for me and she would love to make an attempt at life in a totally different atmosphere.

While the thought of leaving everything I love bothers me, the idea of finally getting to where I need to be tempts me. The negatives involve the fact that I love New England all the way to not wanting to be away from my daughter and grand daughter. On Dee's side it is that I don't want to take her from her family, still she sees this as the right thing to do. It still leaves me feeling guilty though.

During the course of coming out with what was going on I can draw a line on people who are supportive and people who feel their need to know or others need to know is more important than my own comfort. This is something that hurts me severely and sets me back. I cannot and will not relinquish what is right for me to other peoples belief that people need to know. This is most certainly one of the factors that will play into our decision on moving away.

I need to be able to do things in a controlled and comfortable manner and anyone Else's comfort, need to know, beliefs or whatever will need to be secondary for now. It doesn't mean that I don't love these people, it just means that control of my transition is not theirs to dictate.. it's mine! Anything less would set me backwards.

I'm excited to say I am set up for my first real hairstyle this week. I'm nervous and a bit anxious but I am excited to see what will happen. A friend of my daughters is a hairstylist and I've decided to let her work her magic on me, if that's even possible. The only requests I have in this is that I do not want to lose any of my length and I need to be able to tie it back for work. Beyond that she has creative freedom.

Lastly I had set myself into some deep thought yesterday. I'm starting to believe that the best thing for me is to just set a deadline for being full time and abide by it. If I can live to a deadline and find a way to hold myself accountable then I won't keep having these setbacks. If anything I've come to realize that in order for me to feel comfortable with who I am, then that isn't a choice it is necessary for longevity and happiness.

My life has finally become a gift and not a burden, nothing will make me feel the latter ever again


No comments: