Sep 9, 2007

Been a long time

Been a long time since I Rock and Rolled!! I have so much to talk about and nothing to say all at the same time. I've been a bit quiet since the meltdown week not long ago. I just felt I'd needed a break from things I guess.

My Sister in Law~ As I'd previously written I was under the impression that my sister in law had known all along and was basically playing me. I'm happy to report that it wasn't the case at all. In an act of frustration Dee has resent her the original email and told her to read it was well as my blog here. She was concerned enough that she wanted my state of mind known to my sister in law.

After 2 days a reply came through that basically said, she thought it was another email I was talking about and that she would call that night, which she did. While she never said she was accepting of what was going on she did say she loved us and would be there. I guess that's all I can ask for.

last weekend was the labor day cookout at my mother in laws and the first time I would actually see my sister in law and her family since the news broke. As they pulled up I noticed they were driving in their 67 camaro convertible (what a beautiful car) and as my niece saw me yelled out

My nieces had always had a habit when they were young of calling me aunty Kevin because of my long hair. This had stopped for a long time and just recently started again so this played into the whole ..omg do they know scenario.

As those words came out of her mouth in an almost instantaneous manor her mom whipped her head around and told her not to do that it wasn't very nice. As my sister in law emerged from the car I motioned for her to come with me to talk and as I did this for the first time since we met 24 years ago she took my hand.

I explained that she didn't need to do that and she stated that she was trying to be sensitive to the situation. I told her that I didn't want anything with her children to change. I've always loved the fact that her kids teased me and played around because it was never being done maliciously, this was their way being a part of their uncles life and I adore them for that. I also explained that this was hard for me because my first and foremost concern was that I didn't want to do anything to hurt her kids ...

Several weeks before at a family get together my oldest niece pulled out a bunch of barrettes and hair ties. She took to styling my hair to have fun and I was happy simply because she was enjoying herself, laughing and being a loving child. I wouldn't give those interactions up for the world. That day my sister in law even thanked me for being such a great sport with the kids.

I love our nieces dearly and those memories will be my fondest.

Jess and Gianna~ Some of the hardest times for me were the times my daughter and I were disconnected form each other. Unable to see the others point of view and unable to bend to the others expectations. Since my granddaughter was born I have to admit that I happy to see how well she is doing. I hear from Jess everyday now, I get pictures of my granddaughter and most of all I get to see them quite often.

Jess had gotten to the point of not talking to me for months at a time and only seeing me at the most 2-3 times a year. It was some of the hardest times for me in the relationship with her as I've always loved her so deeply. For this to happen is quite a contrast from before and I'm eating it up.

When I'd gotten the news of Jessica's pregnancy to say I was less than thrilled is an understatement. I was concerned for her abilities as a parent because of her immaturity. I have to say after seeing her for this past 7 weeks she has taken to motherhood like a champ and really stepped up to the plate. She is proving herself to be a really good mom and I'm proud to see her maturing as such.

Mini Vacations!~ This coming weekend Diane and I will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. We are flying to Chicago for a few day to hang some dear friends and celebrate it with them. This will be the first time either of us sets foot in Chicago so I'm sure it will be an interesting experience, especially considering I haven't lived in a city in almost 25 years!!

Todd and Kristi are friends we made through a message board that both Todd and I managed together. We met face to face at the NAMM show in 2004 and have been friends ever since. Both Todd and Kristi have been awesome to me with all I've gone through so far regarding transition (more about that later) Neither person has been judgemental or pulled back from treating me any different than before. In fact if anything I've walked away with a little deeper friendship with Kristi and she has been an awesome wall of not only support to me but guidance.

My Dee and Kristi are very similar girls, they are warm and fun but they are most certainly take no shit and don't sugar coat things. When I have had down days or needed that kick Kristi has been one of the people to do it and I appreciate her for that. I'm blessed to have her as a friend.

Transition woes~ Ok maybe woes isn't such a good word but lemme explain what's been going on with me. I guess it would be safe to say that my transition has taken a few steps backwards. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I'm stopping, I just feel that with everything that happened I've regressed a bit. One of the main parts that I really need to start taking care of is my appearance. I need to start wearing girls clothes more and getting out more so I can be comfortable in public. As previously blogged this has been one of the hardest aspects of this whole thing for me. I guess to some degree it's easy to understand what is between the ears but hard to see it visually sometimes. When things happen that have caused me pain I seem to run away from the materialistic part of the transition simply because it hurts me that it is the hardest thing for me to get over. I really need to change this behavior now and hopefully I can soon.

Recently in making plans to go to Chicago I had what would not only be a funny conversation with Kristi but a serious one. Kristi and Todd wanted to know if we would Ago to dinner for our anniversary to an upscale steak house to which we agreed would be nice. After thinking about this for a few minutes I message Kristi and asked her what the dress code was because we generally just travel with comfy clothes IE jeans and t-shirts!!

She told me that it was dressy casual and that Khaki's would be fine. When I told her I didn't own any she told me that we would just have to go shopping then. She then stated that a nice sundress would do just fine. To say I almost fell of my chair would be an understatement. But it entered us into a conversation of me being me in Chicago and how it is the perfect time. I'm not sure I have the nerve to to that but I do love the fact that I have people who not only believe in me but are encouraging me and trying to hold me accountable.

This past Wed in a session I told my counselor that I was going to Chicago and her immediate response was "What a perfect time to start getting out as yourself!" I sat up in my chair and asked her if she'd been talking to my friend Kristi!

Last night in a conversation about things with Jess she seemed to jump onto the same theme and I'm beginning to think it is stamped into my forehead or something. Everyone seems focused on me getting out now, more so than I am personally.. LOL

I told Jess I didn't think I could do that and she pressed further. At one point she told me that I'd be fine, she felt I was passable visually and that I had nothing to worry about. Those words from her were incredibly heartfelt.

Dee,Kritsi,Anne and Jess all on the same wavelength ..go figure! .. Does it mean Karyn makes an appearance in Chicago? I don't know about that but I guess it is not totally out of the question. Maybe after a lot of alcohol ... although I clan hear Kristi riding my ass that we are doing it .. LOL

While I've been a little derailed I am slowly coming back to feeling a little better and hopefully that leads to some drive to move forward. If something positive comes out of this then it is totally worth it.

anyway that's enough for tonight. This is the first time I'm sitting here on the couch doing my blog from my new laptop, I kind of like this. Hope you're all well and hopefully we'll have some good Chicago stories ..If we stay sober long enough!


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