One of the main things about dealing with transition is the idea that we need other people to see us as our own identified gender. That is for me to be seen as female and for the most part that does tend to happen quite a bit. The second part of the equation is the ability for us to look in the mirror and physically see the person we need to see. This seems to be one of the harder parts of transition to attain as we see our changes very slowly and we don’t identify them as easily as someone who hasn’t seen you for a period of time.
For me I now walk by the mirror and I am seeing it, I am slowly finally seeing Kev disappear and I’m more comfortable with that than I was when I started. I remember a year ago looking in the mirror, getting depressed because all I could see was a guy looking back at me, not what I needed to see. It would seem in some small way I’ve made progress I guess.
I recently read a blog that made me think a bit. It certainly stood out to me because I personally had thought about this exact thing from time to time.
Back when I was in my teens and twenties I never had great self-esteem. I was outgoing, friendly and had a certain amount of charisma. I certainly had people drawn to me because of my nature. But what people were allowed to see was a shell of what I allowed out in the open. I think back and remember how I was very insecure about how I looked. I fully understand that all teens go through awkward states of being concerned about there looks. The fact is that I never considered myself to be a good-looking guy.
It’s funny to look back at now for several reasons. When I see pictures of me back then now I now realize that I was a really good looking kid. While I see a good looking kid I do see someone who was lost in their life and not feeling like they fit in properly. It’s kind of funny to think that counseling and almost 2 years of estrogen opened up my eyes enough to realize that I wasn’t the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be.
This doesn’t mean that I would change one thing about my current progress, it just means that I can see things a little more clearly for what they really were now. I really need to take that lesson and apply it to present day conditions.
Yesterday I walked by the mirror and saw Karyn plain as day looking back at me. Nothing special, jogging pants girls T-shirt and my hair down just relaxing at home. Still there it was looking me plain in the face. I didn’t see Kevin, I didn’t see a guy I finally saw Karyn without the after effect of past days or ghost images. It was a calming feeling to see it that plainly.
I look back now at those old pictures and it almost seems like someone else now. They are no longer emotions, just stories of my life. I’ll never be ashamed of who I was, it makes me who I am. I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I am going, I’ll just be the best me I can …
~K~
Nov 30, 2007
Nov 24, 2007
been a while
Wow, seems like there could be some cobwebs in here. I've been in a funk with my writing lately and maybe even my sharing. Sometimes I just don't play well with others. I've been focusing a lot more on playing guitar than writing and I've been enjoying every minute of it. I've been enjoying it so much that I've been logging between 3-6 hours of playing time a day.
I trust everyone had a great thanksgiving, I had a decent one. Not great, not bad, but nice. We hit the start of another holiday season which will serve to be a quite busy one emotionally as well as materialistic. This will be the first xmas with my granddaughter which should be nice. I haven't gotten to see her very much for the past month, in fact I've only seen her and my daughter on thanksgiving. It's been quite heartbreaking to be honest. Going from seeing the two of them once a week to not at all takes its toll on me and now add the holiday season into the mix and times can get tough
My 42nd birthday is fast approaching and I'm hoping this will be the last birthday that the name Kevin will be around. I am hoping that after the new year I will be able to set up a court date to officially change it. (Easier said than done) and I can set off full time on the person I am and not who I was trying to be for so long.
Living in two genders is not an easy thing and it can take an emotional toll on you. I'm sure the many women who walked this path before me can tell you the same thing. It's tough going out in public and hearing maam,she,her, ladies etc and then go to a family function who still use all male pronouns and treat you that way. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with lately and I have to admit it stings. I often wonder if anyone will ever see anything beyond Kev.
We have one more person in the family to tell about what is up and then that should be free and clear. It's been hard coordinating our schedules to his at the moment so we could make that time. It has to be done soon but I am a bit hesitant because of the holiday, I simply don't want to ruin it for him.
Dee asked me the other day what I wanted for xmas and I guess I kind of looked at her a bit perplexed, there really isn't anything I want anymore. My only response can be I don't want anything that is male anymore. If the most I can get is to wake up next to her, see my daughter and granddaughter then it is a full holiday, who would need more than that!!
I finally told my best friend of my endeavours. He had to be one of the hardest as he's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were little kids and it was a relationship I was having a hard time preparing myself for the possibility of a loss. In the end he was only worried about me and my wife. The next day in a conversation with his wife he mentioned that he was having a hard time with it and she simply asked "if you needed Kev to be there for you would he be?" The answer he had was "without a doubt no matter what yes Kev would be there" She asked him then why he should be any different and he seemed to understand that, it suddenly made sense to him.
Several weeks back I blogged about the death of a friend of mine. I am very saddened to report that he took his own life. While it breaks my heart that anyone can reach a low like that, the fact is that i do understand what that pain is like. I'm so sorry for his children and I hate that they have to live with that now. I only hope he is finally with the peace that he was seeking.
Back in Aug/Sept of 2005 in my first counseling session I was asked if I'd ever thought of or attempted suicide. I looked at my counselor and explained that I had in fact thought of it. What kept me from doing it was my fear of the unknown and I needed to take care of myself before my pain became greater than that fear. Diane often asked what I was in search of and I used to tell her "inner peace". I think this is something that people take for granted and do not understand that just getting out of bed and moving through life in a positive and happy manner is part of having that inner peace, they don't have to seek it so it isn't obvious to them. I'm glad I have the sense to seek that peace I've been missing so I can feel whole. I only wish my friend Mike had been able to find his own missing inner peace instead of being so drastic and not having fear.
Personally I'm doing well but I've been very quiet with people. I don't know that it is a bad or good thing but it certainly is part of me figuring out myself and wondering how to allow people into those vulnerabilities. I'm thankful to have people who love me and I'm ecstatic to not have the self hatred I had before. I've made a lot of progress but I still have quiet bit to overcome. When with friends that address me as she, Karyn, her you can always see a curl starting on the edge of my mouth and it will sometimes pop up into a full smile. When that happens it becomes so obvious to me that this was the right decision for me.
Most of my dark beard and lip are cleared with the exception of a few stray hairs. All that seems t be left is the gray hair on my lover chin and neck. This will have to be done conventionally and I'll need to make a consult appointment in the near future. I'll be so happy when I don't have to take a razor to anything, it's so nice not having a that scruffy rigid hair on my cheeks and lip, my face has become so soft it is incredible.
Last night Dee slid and open hand across my collarbone and down my chest, it caused her to stop and do it again. She was taken back by the changes in the skin and had to do it again to make sure she noticed it. It's amazing that even after almost 2 years my skin constantly continues to evolve into a more softer state.
I've dropped muscle mass and am probably weaker than I've ever been now. It's kind of odd at times trying to open something with a struggle and see Dee open it when I couldn't. Sometimes I just have to laugh because I'm not used to it.
When we are around the guys and they pat me on the back like they used too, I have to admit it can be a bit painful now and I never realized their strength before. It's very apparent to me now though!!
I guess that's enough for now, hopefully I can make time to write some later ..
Till then happy holidays and to all my friends I miss you all ..
~K~
I trust everyone had a great thanksgiving, I had a decent one. Not great, not bad, but nice. We hit the start of another holiday season which will serve to be a quite busy one emotionally as well as materialistic. This will be the first xmas with my granddaughter which should be nice. I haven't gotten to see her very much for the past month, in fact I've only seen her and my daughter on thanksgiving. It's been quite heartbreaking to be honest. Going from seeing the two of them once a week to not at all takes its toll on me and now add the holiday season into the mix and times can get tough
My 42nd birthday is fast approaching and I'm hoping this will be the last birthday that the name Kevin will be around. I am hoping that after the new year I will be able to set up a court date to officially change it. (Easier said than done) and I can set off full time on the person I am and not who I was trying to be for so long.
Living in two genders is not an easy thing and it can take an emotional toll on you. I'm sure the many women who walked this path before me can tell you the same thing. It's tough going out in public and hearing maam,she,her, ladies etc and then go to a family function who still use all male pronouns and treat you that way. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with lately and I have to admit it stings. I often wonder if anyone will ever see anything beyond Kev.
We have one more person in the family to tell about what is up and then that should be free and clear. It's been hard coordinating our schedules to his at the moment so we could make that time. It has to be done soon but I am a bit hesitant because of the holiday, I simply don't want to ruin it for him.
Dee asked me the other day what I wanted for xmas and I guess I kind of looked at her a bit perplexed, there really isn't anything I want anymore. My only response can be I don't want anything that is male anymore. If the most I can get is to wake up next to her, see my daughter and granddaughter then it is a full holiday, who would need more than that!!
I finally told my best friend of my endeavours. He had to be one of the hardest as he's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were little kids and it was a relationship I was having a hard time preparing myself for the possibility of a loss. In the end he was only worried about me and my wife. The next day in a conversation with his wife he mentioned that he was having a hard time with it and she simply asked "if you needed Kev to be there for you would he be?" The answer he had was "without a doubt no matter what yes Kev would be there" She asked him then why he should be any different and he seemed to understand that, it suddenly made sense to him.
Several weeks back I blogged about the death of a friend of mine. I am very saddened to report that he took his own life. While it breaks my heart that anyone can reach a low like that, the fact is that i do understand what that pain is like. I'm so sorry for his children and I hate that they have to live with that now. I only hope he is finally with the peace that he was seeking.
Back in Aug/Sept of 2005 in my first counseling session I was asked if I'd ever thought of or attempted suicide. I looked at my counselor and explained that I had in fact thought of it. What kept me from doing it was my fear of the unknown and I needed to take care of myself before my pain became greater than that fear. Diane often asked what I was in search of and I used to tell her "inner peace". I think this is something that people take for granted and do not understand that just getting out of bed and moving through life in a positive and happy manner is part of having that inner peace, they don't have to seek it so it isn't obvious to them. I'm glad I have the sense to seek that peace I've been missing so I can feel whole. I only wish my friend Mike had been able to find his own missing inner peace instead of being so drastic and not having fear.
Personally I'm doing well but I've been very quiet with people. I don't know that it is a bad or good thing but it certainly is part of me figuring out myself and wondering how to allow people into those vulnerabilities. I'm thankful to have people who love me and I'm ecstatic to not have the self hatred I had before. I've made a lot of progress but I still have quiet bit to overcome. When with friends that address me as she, Karyn, her you can always see a curl starting on the edge of my mouth and it will sometimes pop up into a full smile. When that happens it becomes so obvious to me that this was the right decision for me.
Most of my dark beard and lip are cleared with the exception of a few stray hairs. All that seems t be left is the gray hair on my lover chin and neck. This will have to be done conventionally and I'll need to make a consult appointment in the near future. I'll be so happy when I don't have to take a razor to anything, it's so nice not having a that scruffy rigid hair on my cheeks and lip, my face has become so soft it is incredible.
Last night Dee slid and open hand across my collarbone and down my chest, it caused her to stop and do it again. She was taken back by the changes in the skin and had to do it again to make sure she noticed it. It's amazing that even after almost 2 years my skin constantly continues to evolve into a more softer state.
I've dropped muscle mass and am probably weaker than I've ever been now. It's kind of odd at times trying to open something with a struggle and see Dee open it when I couldn't. Sometimes I just have to laugh because I'm not used to it.
When we are around the guys and they pat me on the back like they used too, I have to admit it can be a bit painful now and I never realized their strength before. It's very apparent to me now though!!
I guess that's enough for now, hopefully I can make time to write some later ..
Till then happy holidays and to all my friends I miss you all ..
~K~
Oct 27, 2007
where ya been
Things have been a bit quiet lately, not much to report, not much to discuss I guess. I’ve had a bit of a hard time swallowing my friends’ death. While I think he was way too young to die, it isn’t the reasons I have uneasy feelings about it. To die at that age of natural causes is a hard thing to swallow but we understand that sometimes it is better than the suffering that can be attributed to your decline. The bottom line is that if he died of natural causes I would have mourned and moved on. Even an accident would suck but it is something that while sometimes can be avoided, just happens. Then as in Mike’s case a freak accident sometimes just has to make you wonder.
I’m not making accusations so I hope that this doesn’t come across in that manner. I am having a hard time believing that the manner he died was a total accident. This has kept him on my mind quiet a bit lately and I only hope that this wasn’t what I think it could be. If anything I simply hope he is at peace and I will miss him dearly.
I’ve been in a great mood otherwise; I have no complaints other than the typical “I’m getting old” routine that we all joke about. Even at the level of my mood the most bizarre thing hit me yesterday. The sudden urge to have a good cry. I don’t know why, it has never happened to me in that manner before. I’m not down; I’m very much up but from what I gather it is an affect of the hormones. I don’t hate the feeling but it is different for me. I’ll just take whatever comes my way and embrace it because even at my worst now my days are one hundred fold over what they used to be. I’m still living with the happy to be alive emotions and loving it.
From an emotional value who couldn’t be happy, the RedSox made the world series again and are currently 2 games up. While I think Colorado still has the ability to play good ball and come back, I have a lot more confidence in the RedSox of present than the old bad luck teams I grew up with. It’s amazing what the 2004 WS win did for the fans up here, it’s night and day now. So …go Sox ..
What I had sat on and not revealed here was something that could have been really big news for Diane and I. Twice a year the Oprah show does a show on Gender Identity and Transgender people. She generally handles it in a very classy way that gives some sense of normalcy that counters the old freakish shows of days gone by. After taping her first show on the subject it had gone so well that Harpo decided to do a second show. The second show was to be based around Trans people who had or were transitioning with very supportive families.
Through another party Diane and I were contacted by Harpo as possible guests and it sent to a lot of soul searching on my part. Was I ready to out myself on the grand stage? Was I a good spokesperson for this change? Was my family supportive enough to not only continue to love and support me but be comfortable being ousted to the world in this manner?
I’m happy to report that they were not only open to it they were very supportive. My daughter told me that she was proud of the family she came from and she wouldn’t be who she was if it wasn’t because of who we were. I also had several friends that I inquired to tell me they felt I was articulate enough to be a good spokesperson and handle myself well enough for the task.
For me the biggest hurdle was my concern about my appearance. Did I look good enough and passable enough to not look like a fool. Regardless of what I felt about my appearance, voice or mannerism I am proud to admit that I committed myself to doing this and in return answered the call to Harpo. We were asked for pictures and such but in the end we were not chosen. I am proud to have gotten myself to the point of committal though, I only hope that in the future when the task arises for me to be a part of a bigger solution that I am up for the task.
Recently there has been some division around the GLBT communities over a bill that was to be submitted by Barney Frank called ENDA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employment_Non-Discrimination_Act
When this bill was written is was with the explicit protection for sexual orientation and gender identification in the work place. While we as society have moved forward we still have a cross section of society that feels your Sexuality or Gender Identity somehow affect your ability to do a good job. This is just a nice was of saying they will use these thing to discriminate and ENDA was to be a good way to silence that discrimination.
After Barney Frank got all the GLBT groups on board to lobby his bill he suddenly has done an about face by removing Gender Identity from the bill. His claim for removing this is to say that they do not have enough votes to pass the bill in that form and he has decided to water it down to only protect his own interest “sexual identity”. Representative Frank could not understand not only the backlash he created within the Trans community but the division within. By removing gender identity Mr Frank created division within the GLBT community by lifting 1 part of the community to protected status and turning his back on the other part of the community. He could not understand why Trans people would not support this bill in its current form and then “someday” adding rights of their own.
Being from Massachusetts I have never been a fan of Mr Franks, I’ve found his interests to always be very self serving. For once though I thought there was some hope that people finally understood that Gender Identity doesn’t mean we cannot contribute in a positive way to society.
As it currently stands ENDA passed the house without having gender identity in the bill and there is a last ditch effort to have it added in the next series of votes down on the house floor. The sad part is that in the end it will only be vetoed by a conservative administration because of the religious right wing.
While I never begrudge any person their faith and I also believe it is my right to have my own beliefs. What I’ll never understand is the ideal that we have to live by the standards of a religious system that doesn’t fit into every person’s box. If someone doesn’t believe in god then why does someone who does get to dictate the rights of all of us. Effectively applying their own religious moral standards to everyone regardless of what they believe.
I for one will live my life in the best manner I can, not being dictate too by someone else’s moral value.
~K~
I’m not making accusations so I hope that this doesn’t come across in that manner. I am having a hard time believing that the manner he died was a total accident. This has kept him on my mind quiet a bit lately and I only hope that this wasn’t what I think it could be. If anything I simply hope he is at peace and I will miss him dearly.
I’ve been in a great mood otherwise; I have no complaints other than the typical “I’m getting old” routine that we all joke about. Even at the level of my mood the most bizarre thing hit me yesterday. The sudden urge to have a good cry. I don’t know why, it has never happened to me in that manner before. I’m not down; I’m very much up but from what I gather it is an affect of the hormones. I don’t hate the feeling but it is different for me. I’ll just take whatever comes my way and embrace it because even at my worst now my days are one hundred fold over what they used to be. I’m still living with the happy to be alive emotions and loving it.
From an emotional value who couldn’t be happy, the RedSox made the world series again and are currently 2 games up. While I think Colorado still has the ability to play good ball and come back, I have a lot more confidence in the RedSox of present than the old bad luck teams I grew up with. It’s amazing what the 2004 WS win did for the fans up here, it’s night and day now. So …go Sox ..
What I had sat on and not revealed here was something that could have been really big news for Diane and I. Twice a year the Oprah show does a show on Gender Identity and Transgender people. She generally handles it in a very classy way that gives some sense of normalcy that counters the old freakish shows of days gone by. After taping her first show on the subject it had gone so well that Harpo decided to do a second show. The second show was to be based around Trans people who had or were transitioning with very supportive families.
Through another party Diane and I were contacted by Harpo as possible guests and it sent to a lot of soul searching on my part. Was I ready to out myself on the grand stage? Was I a good spokesperson for this change? Was my family supportive enough to not only continue to love and support me but be comfortable being ousted to the world in this manner?
I’m happy to report that they were not only open to it they were very supportive. My daughter told me that she was proud of the family she came from and she wouldn’t be who she was if it wasn’t because of who we were. I also had several friends that I inquired to tell me they felt I was articulate enough to be a good spokesperson and handle myself well enough for the task.
For me the biggest hurdle was my concern about my appearance. Did I look good enough and passable enough to not look like a fool. Regardless of what I felt about my appearance, voice or mannerism I am proud to admit that I committed myself to doing this and in return answered the call to Harpo. We were asked for pictures and such but in the end we were not chosen. I am proud to have gotten myself to the point of committal though, I only hope that in the future when the task arises for me to be a part of a bigger solution that I am up for the task.
Recently there has been some division around the GLBT communities over a bill that was to be submitted by Barney Frank called ENDA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employment_Non-Discrimination_Act
When this bill was written is was with the explicit protection for sexual orientation and gender identification in the work place. While we as society have moved forward we still have a cross section of society that feels your Sexuality or Gender Identity somehow affect your ability to do a good job. This is just a nice was of saying they will use these thing to discriminate and ENDA was to be a good way to silence that discrimination.
After Barney Frank got all the GLBT groups on board to lobby his bill he suddenly has done an about face by removing Gender Identity from the bill. His claim for removing this is to say that they do not have enough votes to pass the bill in that form and he has decided to water it down to only protect his own interest “sexual identity”. Representative Frank could not understand not only the backlash he created within the Trans community but the division within. By removing gender identity Mr Frank created division within the GLBT community by lifting 1 part of the community to protected status and turning his back on the other part of the community. He could not understand why Trans people would not support this bill in its current form and then “someday” adding rights of their own.
Being from Massachusetts I have never been a fan of Mr Franks, I’ve found his interests to always be very self serving. For once though I thought there was some hope that people finally understood that Gender Identity doesn’t mean we cannot contribute in a positive way to society.
As it currently stands ENDA passed the house without having gender identity in the bill and there is a last ditch effort to have it added in the next series of votes down on the house floor. The sad part is that in the end it will only be vetoed by a conservative administration because of the religious right wing.
While I never begrudge any person their faith and I also believe it is my right to have my own beliefs. What I’ll never understand is the ideal that we have to live by the standards of a religious system that doesn’t fit into every person’s box. If someone doesn’t believe in god then why does someone who does get to dictate the rights of all of us. Effectively applying their own religious moral standards to everyone regardless of what they believe.
I for one will live my life in the best manner I can, not being dictate too by someone else’s moral value.
~K~
Oct 12, 2007
Shocking loss
Some day’s life just seems to flow by uneventful and nothing in particular stands out. For me I long for the day when everything I am working on now becomes so normal that I don’t even have to think about it. It’s easy to get wrapped up in my own changes or my life’s activities. Then there are those days that life smacks us with some cold hard reality and we have to put things back into perspective.
I’ve had days where I’ve complained about what has been going on in my life and then something happens that makes me realize I’m not only lucky to be here, but I don’t have any right to complain.
Last night I received a disturbing phone call from an old friend of mine letting me know that another friend had died. There were no additional details, nothing more than basic information.
Mike was only 37 years old and he was married with 2 young children. I met Mike in 1989 when I started working for the company I currently work for. He still worked here as well, just in a different building as I. Mike and I hit it off as friends as soon as we met, we had very similar tastes in music, personalities and we both loved to ride motorcycles. Back then he even picked up the guitar and took lessons from me for a brief period. He was even at the my party when I got married
When I went through my rough family times in 1992 Mike was there helping me move. He was at my house for dinner as well as just time to hang out. In 1994 Mike, 2 other co-worker friends and I took a trip to wood stock 94 in upstate NY. We had a blast that weekend and we brought back some pretty fond memories and stories. We spent time going to the Laconia motorcycle rallies and most of all we goofed around everyday at work.
Mike never got to find out about the changes that are going on with me. When he got married and settled down we slowly went our own ways. He would go on to 3rd shift and I’d see him less. I changed buildings and that created more distance between us. The one thing that remains constant to this day is that I still consider Mike a good friend of mine and I will miss him dearly.
I have no right to complain about the trivial things I am going through today. If anything, this makes me realize that I need to be the best I can be in whatever I can do because we never know when it will be over. Maybe once the shock of this loss settles it will give me additional strength to live my life as meant to be ..
For now Mike, Rest in Peace wherever you may be ..I’ll will miss you dearly
~K~
I’ve had days where I’ve complained about what has been going on in my life and then something happens that makes me realize I’m not only lucky to be here, but I don’t have any right to complain.
Last night I received a disturbing phone call from an old friend of mine letting me know that another friend had died. There were no additional details, nothing more than basic information.
Mike was only 37 years old and he was married with 2 young children. I met Mike in 1989 when I started working for the company I currently work for. He still worked here as well, just in a different building as I. Mike and I hit it off as friends as soon as we met, we had very similar tastes in music, personalities and we both loved to ride motorcycles. Back then he even picked up the guitar and took lessons from me for a brief period. He was even at the my party when I got married
When I went through my rough family times in 1992 Mike was there helping me move. He was at my house for dinner as well as just time to hang out. In 1994 Mike, 2 other co-worker friends and I took a trip to wood stock 94 in upstate NY. We had a blast that weekend and we brought back some pretty fond memories and stories. We spent time going to the Laconia motorcycle rallies and most of all we goofed around everyday at work.
Mike never got to find out about the changes that are going on with me. When he got married and settled down we slowly went our own ways. He would go on to 3rd shift and I’d see him less. I changed buildings and that created more distance between us. The one thing that remains constant to this day is that I still consider Mike a good friend of mine and I will miss him dearly.
I have no right to complain about the trivial things I am going through today. If anything, this makes me realize that I need to be the best I can be in whatever I can do because we never know when it will be over. Maybe once the shock of this loss settles it will give me additional strength to live my life as meant to be ..
For now Mike, Rest in Peace wherever you may be ..I’ll will miss you dearly
~K~
Oct 5, 2007
Friday is here
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day for me. I sat and wrote out a whole blog for it to only get lost in a crash or something. That was the tip of the iceberg but it is safe to say it was one of those days we all have wondering why in hell that we got out of bed. Things got messed up, people were pains and it was just a better day for sleep and than productivity. i guess the fact that I'm still a bit under the weather could have bearing on it as well.
My writing yesterday started with a simple conversation with a friend and turned into a thought provoking discussion for me. In the course of whatever we had been discussing I made the statement "I don’t like fake people". I’m sure most people can agree that you want to know a true person and not some facade that they want you to see. I explained to her that one of the things that bothers me in transition is how in some way we are expected to "act" to emulate the destined gender.
In a counseling session not long ago I made a comment to my counselor that I didn’t know quite where I fell within the feminine spectrum. I knew it was something that I would have to figure out as I weave my way through dealing with physical and the emotional changes. She told me to go further to the feminine side of how I’d imagined myself.
I don’t know how I imagine myself, I’ve never reduced how I’d felt to a visual goal within my mind. I never sat down and thought that my goal was to be a full time Barbie doll or any ultra feminine persona. In my reading of my transition stories to get other peoples perspectives of how to deal with these thing was a common idea that we try to do as much possible to pass.
I guess one of the problems I have with stepping into that prescribed box is that I don’t feel true to who I am, I feel more like an actress and that is just not me. I’ve always tried to be a genuine person to others and the only way I can say I’m a hypocrite is in hiding my gender identity to others. I’ve always been proud to be the type of person who was brutally honest so anything less for me would make me feel terrible.
I’ve never set out to change things intentionally but as I’ve become slowly more comfortable with the changes in myself, my mannerisms, choice of words and the way I act have all changed have all naturally. For instance when I used to walk I had a very male bounce to my gate. It has since been pointed out to me that the bounce is now gone and I walk more smoothly than I used too.
My wife often points out things that are very girlish in mannerisms or even some of the things I say.
I’ve seen all kinds of women in my lifetime and there is a wide array of difference to the gender spectrum, everywhere from Tomboyish/Girl all the way to Feminine Girl. The one thing I always loved about my wife was her tomboyish ways yet she was still able to get cleaned up and be very feminine. The bottom line to me is I don’t care where I fall as long as it is within a comfortable spectrum for me and it is not an act.
With all that said I do know there are things that need to change a bit like my voice. This has been one of the hard "I feel like I’m acting things" that bother me. I do know that it is a necessary change in order to get read properly and eventually I will get myself there.
Call it paranoia if you want but lately I’ve been feeling like some of the people who have pledged support to me are having a hard time with what is going on. It’s kind of hurt me a bit to feel like I’m hurting other people or making them uncomfortable but I do know that I can’t be something I’m not for others comfort. I guess things will change and I’m happy to have people around me who love me.
I don’t understand why I’ve been so lucky in the support area, I’ve heard a lot of nightmares about people who have lost friends, family, jobs, homes etc and it scared the hell out of me. In fact this was one of the biggest reasons I’d always assumed I could never do anything about how I’d felt. I think the fact that people care about me has a lot to do with the positive changes to my personality since this whole thing started. I’ll take whatever I can get ..
Some days are harder than other, some are days where I’m just tired of the whole transgender thing in general. I told my friend Annah a few days ago it’s so hard to remember how bad it was, that part of my life seem to have just become stories to me now instead of true emotion.
I’m just glad to feel good and be happy to roll out of bed everyday … I hope to have a lot more of those.
~K~
My writing yesterday started with a simple conversation with a friend and turned into a thought provoking discussion for me. In the course of whatever we had been discussing I made the statement "I don’t like fake people". I’m sure most people can agree that you want to know a true person and not some facade that they want you to see. I explained to her that one of the things that bothers me in transition is how in some way we are expected to "act" to emulate the destined gender.
In a counseling session not long ago I made a comment to my counselor that I didn’t know quite where I fell within the feminine spectrum. I knew it was something that I would have to figure out as I weave my way through dealing with physical and the emotional changes. She told me to go further to the feminine side of how I’d imagined myself.
I don’t know how I imagine myself, I’ve never reduced how I’d felt to a visual goal within my mind. I never sat down and thought that my goal was to be a full time Barbie doll or any ultra feminine persona. In my reading of my transition stories to get other peoples perspectives of how to deal with these thing was a common idea that we try to do as much possible to pass.
I guess one of the problems I have with stepping into that prescribed box is that I don’t feel true to who I am, I feel more like an actress and that is just not me. I’ve always tried to be a genuine person to others and the only way I can say I’m a hypocrite is in hiding my gender identity to others. I’ve always been proud to be the type of person who was brutally honest so anything less for me would make me feel terrible.
I’ve never set out to change things intentionally but as I’ve become slowly more comfortable with the changes in myself, my mannerisms, choice of words and the way I act have all changed have all naturally. For instance when I used to walk I had a very male bounce to my gate. It has since been pointed out to me that the bounce is now gone and I walk more smoothly than I used too.
My wife often points out things that are very girlish in mannerisms or even some of the things I say.
I’ve seen all kinds of women in my lifetime and there is a wide array of difference to the gender spectrum, everywhere from Tomboyish/Girl all the way to Feminine Girl. The one thing I always loved about my wife was her tomboyish ways yet she was still able to get cleaned up and be very feminine. The bottom line to me is I don’t care where I fall as long as it is within a comfortable spectrum for me and it is not an act.
With all that said I do know there are things that need to change a bit like my voice. This has been one of the hard "I feel like I’m acting things" that bother me. I do know that it is a necessary change in order to get read properly and eventually I will get myself there.
Call it paranoia if you want but lately I’ve been feeling like some of the people who have pledged support to me are having a hard time with what is going on. It’s kind of hurt me a bit to feel like I’m hurting other people or making them uncomfortable but I do know that I can’t be something I’m not for others comfort. I guess things will change and I’m happy to have people around me who love me.
I don’t understand why I’ve been so lucky in the support area, I’ve heard a lot of nightmares about people who have lost friends, family, jobs, homes etc and it scared the hell out of me. In fact this was one of the biggest reasons I’d always assumed I could never do anything about how I’d felt. I think the fact that people care about me has a lot to do with the positive changes to my personality since this whole thing started. I’ll take whatever I can get ..
Some days are harder than other, some are days where I’m just tired of the whole transgender thing in general. I told my friend Annah a few days ago it’s so hard to remember how bad it was, that part of my life seem to have just become stories to me now instead of true emotion.
I’m just glad to feel good and be happy to roll out of bed everyday … I hope to have a lot more of those.
~K~
Sep 28, 2007
Emotional week ..
It’s been an emotional and yet good week for me. Things have progressed, I’m feeling fairly upbeat about where my head it as. Physically I have been sick for several days with a pretty nasty cough that has been keeping me awake at night.
Monday was a huge turning point for me in regards to my appearance. It was also quite emotional due to the fact I got my first real girlish haircut and had my eyebrows shaped. My daughter in an effort to make me feel better a few weeks before sent me a message asking me not to be mad at her. She had taken her friend to my blog to show her what I looked like and see what she thought. Her friend is a hairstylist and after some talking we decided to have her see if she could work her magic on me.
Monday after work with a lot of nervousness in hand had me driving over to Jessica’s house for the big change. The plan was for me to get there a bit early and shower as I would just be getting out of work. Her friend not only did a really nice job on my hair and brows but she really went out of her way to make me feel at ease and comfortable with everything that was going on. As we met face to face her very first words were simply "Don’t worry we’ll make you look great"
After she was done with the cut she asked me to go in the bathroom and look at what she had done. It took everything I had to not shed a tear when I looked in the mirror, it was totally awesome and an overwhelming emotional experience that I will never forget.
Next up were my thick and bushy eyebrows. She had me lay back on a pillow and asked me "Do you want me to just clean them or shape them?" I don’t know what came over me at that moment, I really don’t think I had control of the words leaving my mouth but I do remember saying "You can shape them"
While I understand it shouldn’t be a big deal, after all this was the planned direction I had been heading anyway. The silly thing is that as I looked in the mirror and saw a defined arch to my "thinned" brow line my first thought wasn’t how nice it looked, it was omg people will really notice this change.
I know change shouldn’t be an issue, this is what transition is totally centered around. But in some crazy way we move forward in a manner of flying under everybody’s radar until we are ready to be full time in our rightful gender. This way the people who know me may or may not notice my changes, but I won’t have an awkward feeling as they happen having to explain everything I go or even why they are happening.
The next big pop would be for my counseling session Wed. I went through an adolescent bitch fest with my wife getting ready for my appointment. I want to look good and was totally frustrated with how things were coming out. I swear nothing is ever good enough for me when it comes to this. I constantly question the physical changes to my appearance in how other people view me. Because of this I have a huge fear of walking out of the house not only looking wrong, but looking like I am trying to hard. IE Drag Queen syndrome!
When the session before mine got out and Anne approached us to bring us in for mine she as usual appeared happy with the changes in my appearance. While I feel awkward about how I look, Anne not only always assures me that I look natural, she sometimes acts like I am her star pupil that she is proud of. As the conversation twisted through recent events Anne asked me to hold my thoughts, darted out of the room and re-emerged with the current Tapestry Magazine that has my dear friend Annah on the cover.
For those who might be unaware Tapestry is a Transgendered driven Magazine that caters to the community. Recently my friend Annah Moore made the cover and has several pages of pictures and interviews inside. It was the first time I’d seen it and I have to say I was impressed with the layout they gave her.
"Is this the Annah you know?" Anne asked me and I told her that it was my dear sister Annah. Then I would get what I felt was the nicest compliment to date regarding not only my transition but my appearance. Anne told me she saw a lot of similarities in Annahs appearance to mine. She also told me she felt that I looked as good as Annah to which I was amazed.
I’ve been friends with Annah now for several years and I have not only admired how proud she shows what she had conquered but how naturally beautiful she was. To this day I still don’t consider myself to be in line with how nice Annah looks but I sure as hell am happy to be put in line with someone I’ve admired so dearly these past few years.
Lastly the conversation of going full time has arisen and I’m seriously thinking that maybe it is time to set a date and stick to it. In a phone conversation with Annah this past Sunday I told her I thought it would be the best idea and she agreed. When I told her that I needed to find a way to be accountable to the date she told me exactly how to hold myself accountable … Set a name change appointment with the courts! This was discussed with Anne and some ideas were thrown around about when, how etc, it is definitely nerve-wracking to even think about that.
Upon researching this through the NH govt website and looking at the form one particular line jumped out at me on the change. "Middle name" I couldn’t believe it had never struck me before but I had never thought about a middle name or if I even should have one. I’ve always tended to use my middle name on official papers to identify anything legal as me without doubt.
When I chose to use the name Karyn there was nothing special about it. It was a natural jump from Kevin and I’d always liked the name Karen. I just wanted it to be slightly different but what the hell could I replace Robert with? The most logical jump is Roberta, but to me that sounds like a Tranny name and well .. I’m just not having that.
After thinking about it I got the bright idea that this was something special that I should share with my daughter an have her help me, this way she was at least a part of my process and we would have something special for years to come. When I asked Jess what she thought she seemed pretty happy to be included, so much so that she asked if I would take her middle name (Ann). I thought it was sweet that she wanted to have that bond and this was something that could be special between us so I’ve agreed. I liked the flow of it when Diane and I named her so many years ago and now adding it to my name creates not only the same flow, but also a deeper connection to someone I love very dearly.
Lately I’ve been getting a weird vibe from my father in law that I was having a hard time putting my finger on and then it finally hit me exactly what it was this week. He’d pledged his support to me already and told me he was here for us. Recently after bumping into him I saw this familiar look in his eye and after a few hours it finally struck me what it was. It was the same look he used to give me when Diane and I were first together. It was a look that said I only tolerate you because of my daughter. I could be wrong and it could just be me being paranoid again, but it was surely the same feeling I used to get that made me uncomfortable around him before .. god I hope I’m wrong …
Well I’ve talked enough for now ..off to do some more coughing ..
~K~
P.S Redsox Magic # is 2 games!
Monday was a huge turning point for me in regards to my appearance. It was also quite emotional due to the fact I got my first real girlish haircut and had my eyebrows shaped. My daughter in an effort to make me feel better a few weeks before sent me a message asking me not to be mad at her. She had taken her friend to my blog to show her what I looked like and see what she thought. Her friend is a hairstylist and after some talking we decided to have her see if she could work her magic on me.
Monday after work with a lot of nervousness in hand had me driving over to Jessica’s house for the big change. The plan was for me to get there a bit early and shower as I would just be getting out of work. Her friend not only did a really nice job on my hair and brows but she really went out of her way to make me feel at ease and comfortable with everything that was going on. As we met face to face her very first words were simply "Don’t worry we’ll make you look great"
After she was done with the cut she asked me to go in the bathroom and look at what she had done. It took everything I had to not shed a tear when I looked in the mirror, it was totally awesome and an overwhelming emotional experience that I will never forget.
Next up were my thick and bushy eyebrows. She had me lay back on a pillow and asked me "Do you want me to just clean them or shape them?" I don’t know what came over me at that moment, I really don’t think I had control of the words leaving my mouth but I do remember saying "You can shape them"
While I understand it shouldn’t be a big deal, after all this was the planned direction I had been heading anyway. The silly thing is that as I looked in the mirror and saw a defined arch to my "thinned" brow line my first thought wasn’t how nice it looked, it was omg people will really notice this change.
I know change shouldn’t be an issue, this is what transition is totally centered around. But in some crazy way we move forward in a manner of flying under everybody’s radar until we are ready to be full time in our rightful gender. This way the people who know me may or may not notice my changes, but I won’t have an awkward feeling as they happen having to explain everything I go or even why they are happening.
The next big pop would be for my counseling session Wed. I went through an adolescent bitch fest with my wife getting ready for my appointment. I want to look good and was totally frustrated with how things were coming out. I swear nothing is ever good enough for me when it comes to this. I constantly question the physical changes to my appearance in how other people view me. Because of this I have a huge fear of walking out of the house not only looking wrong, but looking like I am trying to hard. IE Drag Queen syndrome!
When the session before mine got out and Anne approached us to bring us in for mine she as usual appeared happy with the changes in my appearance. While I feel awkward about how I look, Anne not only always assures me that I look natural, she sometimes acts like I am her star pupil that she is proud of. As the conversation twisted through recent events Anne asked me to hold my thoughts, darted out of the room and re-emerged with the current Tapestry Magazine that has my dear friend Annah on the cover.
For those who might be unaware Tapestry is a Transgendered driven Magazine that caters to the community. Recently my friend Annah Moore made the cover and has several pages of pictures and interviews inside. It was the first time I’d seen it and I have to say I was impressed with the layout they gave her.
"Is this the Annah you know?" Anne asked me and I told her that it was my dear sister Annah. Then I would get what I felt was the nicest compliment to date regarding not only my transition but my appearance. Anne told me she saw a lot of similarities in Annahs appearance to mine. She also told me she felt that I looked as good as Annah to which I was amazed.
I’ve been friends with Annah now for several years and I have not only admired how proud she shows what she had conquered but how naturally beautiful she was. To this day I still don’t consider myself to be in line with how nice Annah looks but I sure as hell am happy to be put in line with someone I’ve admired so dearly these past few years.
Lastly the conversation of going full time has arisen and I’m seriously thinking that maybe it is time to set a date and stick to it. In a phone conversation with Annah this past Sunday I told her I thought it would be the best idea and she agreed. When I told her that I needed to find a way to be accountable to the date she told me exactly how to hold myself accountable … Set a name change appointment with the courts! This was discussed with Anne and some ideas were thrown around about when, how etc, it is definitely nerve-wracking to even think about that.
Upon researching this through the NH govt website and looking at the form one particular line jumped out at me on the change. "Middle name" I couldn’t believe it had never struck me before but I had never thought about a middle name or if I even should have one. I’ve always tended to use my middle name on official papers to identify anything legal as me without doubt.
When I chose to use the name Karyn there was nothing special about it. It was a natural jump from Kevin and I’d always liked the name Karen. I just wanted it to be slightly different but what the hell could I replace Robert with? The most logical jump is Roberta, but to me that sounds like a Tranny name and well .. I’m just not having that.
After thinking about it I got the bright idea that this was something special that I should share with my daughter an have her help me, this way she was at least a part of my process and we would have something special for years to come. When I asked Jess what she thought she seemed pretty happy to be included, so much so that she asked if I would take her middle name (Ann). I thought it was sweet that she wanted to have that bond and this was something that could be special between us so I’ve agreed. I liked the flow of it when Diane and I named her so many years ago and now adding it to my name creates not only the same flow, but also a deeper connection to someone I love very dearly.
Lately I’ve been getting a weird vibe from my father in law that I was having a hard time putting my finger on and then it finally hit me exactly what it was this week. He’d pledged his support to me already and told me he was here for us. Recently after bumping into him I saw this familiar look in his eye and after a few hours it finally struck me what it was. It was the same look he used to give me when Diane and I were first together. It was a look that said I only tolerate you because of my daughter. I could be wrong and it could just be me being paranoid again, but it was surely the same feeling I used to get that made me uncomfortable around him before .. god I hope I’m wrong …
Well I’ve talked enough for now ..off to do some more coughing ..
~K~
P.S Redsox Magic # is 2 games!
Sep 23, 2007
Sweet Sunday
I've awoken this am to news of my beloved Redsox being the first team in baseball to clinch an American league playoff spot. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I'm a rabid Redsox fan. In fact I'm a lifelong Redsox fan all the way back to the early 70's, heck being from just north of Boston it's hard not to be. The Redsox are a deeply ingrained part of the New England culture, it really is something to experience. Go Redsox nation, next stop American League East Champions please!
My trip to Chicago bred a demon in my house. I love to cook and especially love it when I can make something that my beloved likes, she is such a fuss budget at times. During our trip to Chicago our friend Todd took over cooking duties as he, like me, loves to cook . During our second day there Todd decided to make us some of his his grand moms biscuits and gravy.So this am like every weekend we usually plan on doing breakfast but today instead of running out to our local diner, I decided to cook at home. It was only natural to ask Dee what she might like and she jumped and said biscuits! I thought I was being cute when I told her I had no canned biscuits but alas, my dear wife knew I had the stuff to make em from scratch ... Thanks Todd!!!
Just kidding.. I really didn't mind as long as she enjoys it. Then it makes me happy
Friday evening we got to spend some time with my daughter and my granddaughter, this is something I'm really enjoying. I'm so happy to see my daughter finally coming around and embracing us as her family once again. In the course of my transition Jess, along with my friends have been incredible to me. She has constantly tried to give me confidence and make me feel good about what I'm doing. Now she has taken up sides with a friend of mine to push me further and get things to where they need to be. I certainly adore her for that and am blessed to have those types of people in my corner.
So I had decided that this weekend was going to be a cooking weekend. Friday for Jess and Dee I made Fettuccine Broccoli and Chicken Alfredo. When I make this the girls make sure to request that I do homemade Alfredo and not the stuff in a jar. As always I oblige to make them happy ...yea yeah I like to cook too, I know! It seemed to come out pretty well and we all enjoyed it as usual.
After dinner Jessica wanted to talk to my friend Kristi to tell her how much she loved the baby blanket and bib that Kristi sent home with us from Chicago, So I had asked Kristi to call after work. Then it was off to Sam's club and out for Ice Cream with my girls. This was something we hadn't done as a family in quite a few years. It brought back some fond memories and now I have additional family to make more memories with. Friday night was an enjoyable and busy evening. (Story of my life)
Friday I spoke to my friend Mike briefly on the phone and some things he had to say blew me away. He used the name Karyn in the course of the conversation and told me he wants to try and help me along with things. It was very heart warming and touching. He also revealed to me that he told our old friend Scott. I was a little taken back by it but was relieved to hear Scott thought nothing less of me and felt bad that I thought I couldn't tell him. Mike knowing that we are all hoping to get together in the near future figured that it was better that Scott wasn't totally shocked in the change of my appearance. It becomes a lot more apparent to people haven't seen me for an extended period of time.
Back when I first started my counseling my friend Annah told me that the easiest way to successfully transition it was a good idea to relocate to a place where no one knows you, then you can start fresh and it is easier to get comfortable with what you are doing. I have to say that was something that I'd always wanted to try long before this but never had the backbone to just up and go. After our trip to Chicago this was something that seemed to re-enter the conversations between Dee and I. Diane feels it would be much better for me and she would love to make an attempt at life in a totally different atmosphere.
While the thought of leaving everything I love bothers me, the idea of finally getting to where I need to be tempts me. The negatives involve the fact that I love New England all the way to not wanting to be away from my daughter and grand daughter. On Dee's side it is that I don't want to take her from her family, still she sees this as the right thing to do. It still leaves me feeling guilty though.
During the course of coming out with what was going on I can draw a line on people who are supportive and people who feel their need to know or others need to know is more important than my own comfort. This is something that hurts me severely and sets me back. I cannot and will not relinquish what is right for me to other peoples belief that people need to know. This is most certainly one of the factors that will play into our decision on moving away.
I need to be able to do things in a controlled and comfortable manner and anyone Else's comfort, need to know, beliefs or whatever will need to be secondary for now. It doesn't mean that I don't love these people, it just means that control of my transition is not theirs to dictate.. it's mine! Anything less would set me backwards.
I'm excited to say I am set up for my first real hairstyle this week. I'm nervous and a bit anxious but I am excited to see what will happen. A friend of my daughters is a hairstylist and I've decided to let her work her magic on me, if that's even possible. The only requests I have in this is that I do not want to lose any of my length and I need to be able to tie it back for work. Beyond that she has creative freedom.
Lastly I had set myself into some deep thought yesterday. I'm starting to believe that the best thing for me is to just set a deadline for being full time and abide by it. If I can live to a deadline and find a way to hold myself accountable then I won't keep having these setbacks. If anything I've come to realize that in order for me to feel comfortable with who I am, then that isn't a choice it is necessary for longevity and happiness.
My life has finally become a gift and not a burden, nothing will make me feel the latter ever again
~K~
My trip to Chicago bred a demon in my house. I love to cook and especially love it when I can make something that my beloved likes, she is such a fuss budget at times. During our trip to Chicago our friend Todd took over cooking duties as he, like me, loves to cook . During our second day there Todd decided to make us some of his his grand moms biscuits and gravy.So this am like every weekend we usually plan on doing breakfast but today instead of running out to our local diner, I decided to cook at home. It was only natural to ask Dee what she might like and she jumped and said biscuits! I thought I was being cute when I told her I had no canned biscuits but alas, my dear wife knew I had the stuff to make em from scratch ... Thanks Todd!!!
Just kidding.. I really didn't mind as long as she enjoys it. Then it makes me happy
Friday evening we got to spend some time with my daughter and my granddaughter, this is something I'm really enjoying. I'm so happy to see my daughter finally coming around and embracing us as her family once again. In the course of my transition Jess, along with my friends have been incredible to me. She has constantly tried to give me confidence and make me feel good about what I'm doing. Now she has taken up sides with a friend of mine to push me further and get things to where they need to be. I certainly adore her for that and am blessed to have those types of people in my corner.
So I had decided that this weekend was going to be a cooking weekend. Friday for Jess and Dee I made Fettuccine Broccoli and Chicken Alfredo. When I make this the girls make sure to request that I do homemade Alfredo and not the stuff in a jar. As always I oblige to make them happy ...yea yeah I like to cook too, I know! It seemed to come out pretty well and we all enjoyed it as usual.
After dinner Jessica wanted to talk to my friend Kristi to tell her how much she loved the baby blanket and bib that Kristi sent home with us from Chicago, So I had asked Kristi to call after work. Then it was off to Sam's club and out for Ice Cream with my girls. This was something we hadn't done as a family in quite a few years. It brought back some fond memories and now I have additional family to make more memories with. Friday night was an enjoyable and busy evening. (Story of my life)
Friday I spoke to my friend Mike briefly on the phone and some things he had to say blew me away. He used the name Karyn in the course of the conversation and told me he wants to try and help me along with things. It was very heart warming and touching. He also revealed to me that he told our old friend Scott. I was a little taken back by it but was relieved to hear Scott thought nothing less of me and felt bad that I thought I couldn't tell him. Mike knowing that we are all hoping to get together in the near future figured that it was better that Scott wasn't totally shocked in the change of my appearance. It becomes a lot more apparent to people haven't seen me for an extended period of time.
Back when I first started my counseling my friend Annah told me that the easiest way to successfully transition it was a good idea to relocate to a place where no one knows you, then you can start fresh and it is easier to get comfortable with what you are doing. I have to say that was something that I'd always wanted to try long before this but never had the backbone to just up and go. After our trip to Chicago this was something that seemed to re-enter the conversations between Dee and I. Diane feels it would be much better for me and she would love to make an attempt at life in a totally different atmosphere.
While the thought of leaving everything I love bothers me, the idea of finally getting to where I need to be tempts me. The negatives involve the fact that I love New England all the way to not wanting to be away from my daughter and grand daughter. On Dee's side it is that I don't want to take her from her family, still she sees this as the right thing to do. It still leaves me feeling guilty though.
During the course of coming out with what was going on I can draw a line on people who are supportive and people who feel their need to know or others need to know is more important than my own comfort. This is something that hurts me severely and sets me back. I cannot and will not relinquish what is right for me to other peoples belief that people need to know. This is most certainly one of the factors that will play into our decision on moving away.
I need to be able to do things in a controlled and comfortable manner and anyone Else's comfort, need to know, beliefs or whatever will need to be secondary for now. It doesn't mean that I don't love these people, it just means that control of my transition is not theirs to dictate.. it's mine! Anything less would set me backwards.
I'm excited to say I am set up for my first real hairstyle this week. I'm nervous and a bit anxious but I am excited to see what will happen. A friend of my daughters is a hairstylist and I've decided to let her work her magic on me, if that's even possible. The only requests I have in this is that I do not want to lose any of my length and I need to be able to tie it back for work. Beyond that she has creative freedom.
Lastly I had set myself into some deep thought yesterday. I'm starting to believe that the best thing for me is to just set a deadline for being full time and abide by it. If I can live to a deadline and find a way to hold myself accountable then I won't keep having these setbacks. If anything I've come to realize that in order for me to feel comfortable with who I am, then that isn't a choice it is necessary for longevity and happiness.
My life has finally become a gift and not a burden, nothing will make me feel the latter ever again
~K~
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