Jan 26, 2007

Happy Fridays

I have to say it's been a very long 2 weeks for me but life is good and I have only minor complaints as most people would. I've really moved forward a lot in my quest to be me.

Early this month I let our H.R rep at my job know what was going on with me. I guess it was time because she had already thought maybe I was sick because of the changes in my appearance. Funny she was more relieved to hear what it really was than to hear that I might have cancer or some bad disease.

In the last year I've had a bunch of laser electrolysis on my face and the difference so far is incredible. My face is now looking a little younger due to the fact that the heavy dark blue that was below the surface of my skin created a much older appearance.

Some people who haven't been made aware of what is going on have approached me trying to pin point what is different but never seem to add it up to the fact that my beard is almost gone. (I say almost because the laser does not treat gray hair)

Before I started working on this you could tell where my head was at based on my appearance at any given time. This isn't to say I would let my hygiene slip but I would get low and simply not shave for days at a time.. I figured what was the point. I was never drawn to my facial hair and never grew it but the funny thing was that as much as a 5 day beard screams male to me the razor on my face screamed it even worse at times. It was a harsh reminder for me.

Being a guy was never a a pleasant issue and it is funny what the difference is from before to now. I knew it what is was before but I just didn't care. In boy mode I simply didn't care about my appearance. I had no desire to dress nice or look good because it didn't represent me. Dee and I would go to functions where it would require me to dress and as she could always tell it just wasn't in me. I guess you could say it kind of felt like it would sticking any woman in a men's suit and sending them out for the day .... it just didn't work and I would always remain miserable until I could get into Jeans and a T-shirt .. at least that was semi gender neutral to some degree ..

I often believe this was why I had put on so much weight through my 20's and 30's. By the time I was 38 I had hit the 200 # mark and it was steadily rising. That weight on my small frame was very apparent and my round face would always make me cringe in pictures. I finally realized what I was doing to myself and knew I needed to change some things if I stood half a chance of being healthy. In retrospect I simply didn't care about my weight because of the pain.

On the flip side of just trying to be who I am I now I tend to take a lot better care of myself. I do things for my well being that I would have never done before and those things make my wife smile. It's nice to care about myself and it is nice to see that others can make me see that I'm worth that ....

The 2nd big thing was that I let my cousin know what was going on with me. She had had limited experience with Transgendered people in the past and she was readily willing to ask questions. Her only concern was for my well being and told me she was sorry I have had to live this way my entire life.

I guess I can appreciate that but I'm honestly not looking for sympathy and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me I simply want people to see and understand that I am slowly becoming a better me. In the process of that they get more from me than the shell I once presented to them.

The next big hurdle will be my wife's parents and I'm dying to get it out of the way because I feel it is crucial to being able to move forward. Hopefully this will take place over the next few weeks and then I can focus more on moving forward.

For the time being life is good and I can't complain much This is the first time I am simply becoming happy to wake up everyday and most of all see things differently and in a more innocent manner ...

So in closing the weekend is just about here and it is damn cold up here in the North East. It was -5 degrees this am and expected to be -20 tonight with the wind. I am looking forward to making a homemade pizza, cuddling up with a bottle of wine with my best friend and enjoying a little me time....

Hope life finds you well and you have a kick ass night!

1 comment:

Emmy said...

Omigosh this is so awesome!
I can feel your calm and peacefulness right through this great blog entry. Yay!
Your evening plans sound fantastic, and I wish you and Dee a marvelous weekend. ;)
It is just as FREEZING here, btw, and we are loving it. Hahaha!