One of the most confusing things for people to understand is the feeling of being male on the outside, female on the inside and being attacted to females. This in itself makes people think that these things are just made up or crazy because it is beyond their own comprehension .. or lack of education.
1st rule of thumb if you have no idea of what Gender Identity Disorder is all about it to understand that sexuality and gender are 2 different things and while one may parallel the other they are only loosly related. Who I feel like in my mind does not bear on who I am attracted too.
So I guess becomine a teenager is hard enough without throwing gender confusion into the mix. The way it hit me was a double edged sword because I felt as though I had everything to prove in being a teenage boy and helping rid myself of the feeling I had been living with.
I became sexually active as the age of 15 and it was in a manner of asserting my male place in the world. I've treated women in manners early on that I'm not proud of and I guess in some small way it was to rid myself of guilt and not be who I feared.
When I met Dee that slowly changed for me because I found someone who I could see deeply cared for me more than anyone had ever shown me. On the flip side I beleived for a time this was the cure I was looking for but sadly I would slowly find out I was dead wrong.
Being a dad at a young age, having a beautiful partner and friend was supposed to fulfill everything I didn't have in myself and for a time I would try to live through Dee. I would ask her why she didn't dress certain ways or wear makeup the way most girls did. I would ask her why she didn't act certain way and in some instance she would try things to make me happy if even she didn't enjoy them.
No matter how much she ever loved me or ever tried to make me happy it just never clicked with me and I just wasn't cured. Yet those years I thought I could make her what I wasn't
Over a period of years she would come to learn more about me and my feelings but that will wait for another blog....
~K~
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