onward

Well as the previous post suggested I conquered fear and did what I needed to do...

Saturday my lovely Dee and I had lunch with her mom. It was time to reveal to her mom exactly what was going on with me. While I find it freeing to tell people and get the monkey off my back I'd be lying if i said I wasn't scared to death.

When you tell people who know you it can be a hard thing when you don't know what the reaction will end up being. Going in you hope for the best and hope you wont be treated harshly. The less attached you are to the person the less you have invested in the result. That is to say if it is a co-worker or a distant acquaintance and you are cast aside it doesn't leave as much of a stinging effect as it would to someone who you shared an emotional attachment too. For this reason telling my mother in law that I'm transgendered can certainly do a significant amount of damage to the relationship.

Well we went out to lunch, ordered our food and she started with "So what did you want to discuss with me" My heart felt like it was going to jump through my chest. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do but I did it and I answered some tough questions in response as did my wife. My mother in law surprised me by being very supportive, open and accepting telling that I needed to be happy. She also told me that they had all noticed the positive emotional changes in me over the last year which I do believe lend a certain amount of credibility to my plight.

When I explained that I had started hormone therapy just over a year ago I certainly expected judgement to follow ..it never did. The nice thing is that from the outside it is easy to see that my brain just malfunctions on testosterone. Estrogen has created a more well balanced emotional pattern to my thinking ... I think clearly without the massive mood swings I would once have... I do not miss them.

Testosterone for me created rage and conflict. It created a numbness to other peoples feelings and most of all it lent itself to deepened depression. I would never have believed that a chemical that is in our bodies naturally could do so much damage. Annah M likened it to putting the wrong fuel in your car and once the right fuel is in there it runs smoothly. While I understood what she meant it never had as deep an impact as it does now that I've lived the change for the last year.

I took my first estrogen tablet on Jan 17th 2006 and I was literally shaking when I did it. I knew popping that pill in my mouth could give me the chance to finally have some control but at the same time I had that fear of the unknown. I knew the key to my survival meant trying and walking away would as sure be like signing my on death warrant in the near future... so I took the blue pill to see how deep the rabbit hole went .... and deep it goes...

First changes were a sense of calmness that slowly came about. I started to notice I was more at peace with my daily existence and while I would have episodes of crying, they were no where near the roller coaster of rage and depression I once felt. I started to lose some of that numbness that I had for other peoples feelings and it also aloowed me to become a little more sensitive and thin skinned. This is an emotion I need to learn to control and not allow it to control me.

When I was on testosterone I was quick to anger and it happened relatively easily. I would hold that anger for days and weeks at a time never letting it rest and most of all I vented that anger. I now have seen this as one of my most positive changes. I still get angry at times but the range of emotion isn't as wide and I get over my anger very quickly ..it simply doesn't ruin my entire day any longer as it once would.

My skin softened and almost daily it seemed to change in different areas in complete cycles. My hair was always thick but it had gotten coarse as I had gotten older, the estrogen caused my hair to soften as it was when I was younger. My nails became more brittle. My body hair totally changed to female type hair .. thin and sparser than typical male hair. The hair that was on my back disappeared.

Body hair had always created an OCD like affect on me and this was such a welcome change for me. It would get to the point that I would touch the back of my shoulder area just to remind me that things were finally starting to seem normal and right.

The biggest change that it has caused is the smile that appears to be stuck on my face from the time I wake until the time I go to bed. I still have my moments but they are much happier and now I can function without having the testosterone cloud that once engulfed my brain, for the first time I am beginning to understand that there is peace for me ...

With all these changes I had hoped they would make a difference in what other people saw of me and in some instance this happened with my mother in law. Her concern was that I was ok and that I did what I needed to do to be happy ..Her biggest concern was for her daughter and that she was OK to which Dee explained she was happier than she had ever been ... oh how I love her ... 4 life..

Tonight in a conversation with Annah M I asked her if she ever ran into any negativity when she came out and she replied that she really hadn't. I told her for every person that I tell I keep waiting for the sky to fall and it never seems to happen ... her reply was something like "It's wild isn't it"

I'd have to say I had all but lost faith in the human race 2 years ago but as I write this today I think it is safe to say that my faith is slowly being renewed. The people who have been told have made me feel like I am worthy of being right with the world and that's all I ever wanted ..

My mother in law told my father in law. While some of what he said bothered me, for the most part he pledged his support to me and told me he was behind whatever I needed to do. I am thankful for that and processing the rest at the moment. It wasn't all positive but the sky certainly didn't come crashing down on me ....

I guess you could say I had an interesting weekend .... how about you?


~K~