The one thing that tends to ring true in any transgendered person’s mind in the earliest stages of self acceptance is "Will I ever pass" It is a subject that plagues one from the time they have come to terms with who they are and where they need to be in life. I’m no different and it was one of the major factors in keeping myself in a state of depression.
When you have dealt with this condition over a long period of time and you see the affects that the biological chemicals "Testosterone or Estrogen" has in making you physically who you are it can tend to take away all hope at ever feeling normal. I’m no different when I would look in the mirror and all I would see was an aging man staring back at me, the last thing I wanted to see or even needed to see.
For people who write this off as a choice there is no gray area you are who you are. They think this way not only due to lack of understanding but fear of something that isn’t tangible to them. They can’t hold, see, or feel it so therefore it doesn’t exist to them. Think about how this must makes the person feel that needs to be accepted as a gender different from their visual one.
Last night I watched a special on the Tyra Banks show regarding transgender teenagers. I must say this show was done in a care and non-judgmental manner. On the show was a 12/13 yr. old boy named Chris who was born biologically female but always-exhibited signs of being a boy. His mom after realizing this wasn’t a tomboy phase and understanding this was an issue that could end Chris’s life prematurely decided to get him help. He was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and the proper steps are being taken to make Chris feel more like the boy he knew he was.
The twist came when his father was brought out who lives in Italy and was asked about the whole thing. He was non-accepting and even ask "Julia" to reconsider her decisions. Chris reaffirmed to his father who he was and stated "If you loved me you would accept me for who I want to be"
It was his dads response that floored me. He responded by telling Chris "If you really loved me you would reconsider this and live the way you were born"
So let me ask, When does a persons right to live their own life in a peaceful happy manner supercede other people’s beliefs or comfort zones? The short answer is never as the person who doesn’t understand it does not have to live with the internal conflict.
In order for a human being to thrive and be all they can be in life the need to be able to live their lives the way they are comfortable and not the box that they are forced into by people who do not take the time to understand what this condition does to one’s self.
When I decided to get help for myself the one biggest constant nagging question to me was .. Will I ever pass? I honestly didn’t think it was possible after all I have had to present male my whole life and I understood that peoples fear of what is different would be a major impact on the success or a transition. I simply didn’t want to look like a freak.
As time has progressed and estrogen has started to have its affects on me as well as removing most of my dark my facial hair something amazing occurred. On a trip to a local mall I was addressed as a lady. I wasn’t sure I’d heard it correctly and I’d just assume that the guy didn’t get a good look,. I was wearing male clothing, I had my long hair tied back and lastly I was wearing a black "Harley Davidson" cap. I simply figured it was just a weird mistake and he hadn’t gotten a good look.
While this happened it was the start of a weird time for me because it would happen over and over again. It became obvious this was no mistake I was passing for female without trying. This would prove to be a weird time for me emotionally because I would never know how I was being perceived until I was addressed by the person I was interacting with. On a few occasions I even made an assumption that I was read "Male" and all of a sudden I was referred to as she…. I must say it is a great feeling to finally be getting where I have always needed to be ..
Recently I saw a very large TG girl who was just starting her counseling and it then stuck me how much she has to overcome just to feel normal and how lucky I have been so far. What I wish we could due in lieu of judging people based on their appearance is learn to find the inside beauty and the depth of the soul that is being carried on the inside.
We are who we are, just because we look different doesn’t mean we don’t bleed red or want to be loved ..