I’ve been a bit low key so far this week, I guess I figured it was in hopes of things quieting down in my life and maybe have something positive to write about. I hate writing about negative things now because I kills me to have to go back down old roads and then have to see it in writing for myself. It makes me feel like I’m going backwards.
Saturday Diane and I decided to go by the Verizon store and ask what it would cost to have her phone repaired. Well I am pleased to say that it went our way more than I had anticipated. Verizon offered to warranty the phone for $50 and a new phone should be here today. That certainly beats the $350 replacement I was originally looking at.
Monday was a bit of a rough day, it was one of those days I felt like I should have stayed in bed! Oh don’t get me wrong, on an emotional level it was perfectly fine but everything I touched Monday went sour. I ruined a bunch of cutting tools at work, a drill chuck and 2 parts!! This was a tough thing because it is so unlike me to be that inept. I just wanted to go home and restart my day like rebooting a pc after lockup!!
Other than that I need to start refocusing on not only my needs but my future. I’m almost to the point my belief is that I should just target a full time date and stick it it no matter what. That it easier said than done but I’m wondering if I just do it if I will stop damaging myself by going backwards when things get rough.
It’s been a nice week with the weather so everyday I’ve been lucky enough to take my Harley to work. This am was so awesome because the biggest brightest full moon was on the horizon today. It was breath taking to see. If anything I can at least still find beauty in my day.
Lately being lost I’d fallen of the path I was on, I stopped focusing on the more daily changes and kind of slipped into a who cares mode. So much had gone wrong and personal family issues had made things tougher to deal with that I almost had the "I give up attitude". I’m sure that was pretty apparent from the blog I posted a few days ago.
While I don’t normally put any weight into horoscopes I really thought yesterdays was cute and thought provoking
Horoscopes For Today: 8/28/2007As shallow as it might sound, sometimes looking good can help you feel good. So if you've been down in the dumps, put on the clothes that make you feel your most attractive today! You'll enjoy the day a lot more if you feel confident in your appearance -- and this will start a chain reaction of good things. If you can afford it, a shopping trip wouldn't be out of the question -- you've got a sharp eye for bargains right now and are likely to uncover one or two real finds.
It’s funny to think the stars are poking down at me trying to tell me I’m messing up and I need to take care of myself. In retrospect though it really makes a lot of sense. I have a hard time with the whole materialistic part of the change. I simply don’t equate clothing and cosmetics with what’s going on in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice clothes and playing with makeup but it certainly doesn’t define me or my GID in any way shape or form. The fact that I have to get used to is that society uses our appearance to label us female or male and it is part of the process.
I guess what it comes down to in my own mind is the thought that people associate the change in clothes with cross dressing. While I don’t look down on anyone who feels the need to express himself or herself, in that manner I do know that society has a habit of looking at it as immoral or abnormal behavior. I guess in some primitive way I may just feel a fear of being associated with something that’s viewed that way. That’s pretty stupid imo …
All in all I’m happy with everything I’ve gone through and I even appreciate the negative things I’ve gone through as well, it just makes me a stronger person in the end.
Last night my wife and I got into a deep discussion about the differences in male and female behavior. I love the fact that we can have such deep conversations about stuff like this it is so nice to be able to open up and talk about these things.
Diane had a question of me that she was hesitant to ask and it was actually quite cute. She wondered why most women had an issue with the honesty that she puts forth as though it puts them off. Diane feels she tends to offend most women with her views and she didn’t understand why. Some of the women that read this blog are identical to Diane’s type of thinking and I love having these types of women as friends.
Like some of you Diane is a no bullshit type of gal. If you ask her a question you are sure to get an honest answer from her. Most "girlie girl" type women ask a lot of loaded questions and don’t always want the truth but they want a supportive answer. Diane’s no nonsense approach can be rather boyish in emotional content, something most women not only have a hard time relating too but can be put off by.
How many times have we heard the old joke "Do these jeans make me look fat?" In fact it is a loaded question and a question that is sure to get guys in the doghouse time and time again. This is that old nurturing side that some women simply don’t want to hear the truth they want their self esteem boosted.
Diane never understood this behavior and always felt it was better to be honest than to sugar coat things and not be true to yourself. Many of my girlfriends are very much like this. These women are very strong women who can not only hang with the guys but also can put on a nice dress and ooze feminine charm. This was something I adored about my wife and to this day would have it no other way. It’s a quality I love in my friends as well. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe being nurturing is a weakness, I love even that side of feminine charm, but it is nice not having to worry about games as well. I think when you get a good balance of the two then you have good character.
Over the years Diane’s mom would get her hair dyed and as she got old she strayed towards darker colors. For a period of time she would get this dark brown reddish color that really made the red standout as the primary tone. She would be so proud of her new hair color and she would ask Diane "What do you think of my new color?"
Anyone that knows Diane would know that isn’t the question to be asking if you aren’t ready for a totally honest answer." I don’t like it" Diane would fire back, "it makes you look old!" My poor mother in law at times would look almost offended by her honest answer and Diane wouldn’t understand the hurt that it caused her mom in return. Last night I explained that her mom was in essence a "girlie girl" and was no where near Diane’s more boyish ways. This was why Diane and her mom were never as close as most mother, daughter relationships.
I’ve really learned to value this quality in Diane on several levels, it’s helped make me a better person. I’ve always taken her opinion as fact because I know she can be a brutally honest person and tell me how it is. It’s in that honesty that I know if I was making any mistakes within this transition she would tell me.
I’ve ranted enough for now ..back to the grind!
~K~
Aug 29, 2007
Aug 25, 2007
Weee hours
As I sit here in my kitchen it is now 4:25 am on Sat morning, Dee is asleep here in the living room. It's been a rough emotional week for me and I'm trying hard to bounce back from the negative bullshit I posted a few short days ago. This week was one of those weeks where it would just seem like everything goes wrong at once.
Saturday Dee left the lights on in her PT cruiser and drained the battery. Normally that shouldn't be a big deal just recharge it and go. In the case of my luck lately it appears that the PT has an issue that causes the passenger windows to stop working upon recharge! Needless to say in an attempt to get them working again I blew a circuit that I could not find. This in turn cause the drivers windows to stop working as well as the convertible top. This causes an issue with the smart windows not working. When you open the door on the PT the windows drop a few inches to clear the molding, thus preserving a good seal. With this not working it would cause the windows to hit the seal and bow out ... it had to go to the garage
Final Cost- $180
Obviously next up was the issue with my sister in law which I will address later
Yesterday Dee misplaced her cellphone and we looked everywhere to find it. She naturally assumed she left it at work. After 24 hours she finally found it on the ground next t our mailbox. The mail carrier had driven over it wiping out the display
Final Cost- $350
Now I understand people make mistakes and in all honesty I am upset about these happening but I can honestly say I am not mad at her. I do however feel like a heel because for a brief instance today I snapped and became the old me, hollering and yelling like an idiot. I now realize that all the stress I've been experiencing with this transition and the current events had taken a toll on my emotional well being. I can honestly see how a little negativity can spiral into big negativity. I now realize I have no choice, I have to move forward because the old me needs to be a part of the past. I forgot what that feels like.
Work~ I have an old friend at work that always asks my advice. Recently he asked for help in picking out a new pc as he has no experience with it and feels more comfortable having someone he knows that does. I brought him a bunch of ads a week or so ago and pointed out some really good deals for him and he said he was going to go get one. I stopped in at his work area this week to see if he had and he hadn't but asked if I wasn't busy if we could hook up this weekend. As I walked out of his room I joked that he'd better do it soon because in the near future he may not want to bother with me anymore.
While this has been a joke it is also a way of me gaging reactions with certain people and to be honest I got nothing, that was until about 2pm when he walked into my room and loudly asked 'What are ya getting a sex change?"
When he didn't get the reaction he expected his attitude toned down a bit and he tried to talk about some transsexuals in another division of our company. I wasn't fully ready to out myself at work so I kept the conversation low key but never played into his game.
So why is it guys in general have to act that way? Is it a threat to their masculinity? I have to admit the more ignorance i hear come from the mouths of different men the more I realize that I was never like them. Oh I may have played the game at times to fit in but my emotions just do not work the same way. Thank God!
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all guys are bad or all guys are jerks. I know plenty who have been great to me and supportive. It's just that those few rotten times stand out as typical male behaviour. The more I see how differently my mind works the more i understand that I'm doing the right thing.
My sister in law~ Apparently Diane sent her another copy of the original email and a copy of my blog from Tuesday. Her sister responded on Thursday morning with a note that read
I've never seen this email before, I thought Kev was referring to a different email. I will call you tonight.
She called at 8:15pm Thursday and had a conversation with Dee in which she asked why we never discussed this with her before or even personally. It hurts me to think that others right to know supersedes my right to handle things in the best emotional manner for me. In essence my own comfort. I don't blame her for it, I just know this seems to be a common factor in dealing with sensitive subjects.
She went on to ask Diane if she was alright and what out intentions as a couple were. Lastly she said that she knew nothing of this and would need to spend time researching it and lastly assured us that she loves us no matter what.
I've had a rough family life, I've dealt with a lot of loss. People in my family do not seem to love unconditionally for whatever reason they choose. When it comes to my wife and her family, the last thing I want to do is be a cause for heartache and I could never live with myself for causing the loss. It scares me to think that my working to make myself better could actually cause someone I love pain.
At the end of it all I'd rate the outcome at 50/50 but lean it more towards a positive thing, I think it will just take time. All that I can hope for myself is that I am on my way back up and hopefully even stronger
Anyway, that's about it for now. If you have kicked me in the ass this week thank you. If you were worried for my well being thank you. I can't say I feel a lot better today but I can admit that I need to be happy and keep myself focused.
~K~
Saturday Dee left the lights on in her PT cruiser and drained the battery. Normally that shouldn't be a big deal just recharge it and go. In the case of my luck lately it appears that the PT has an issue that causes the passenger windows to stop working upon recharge! Needless to say in an attempt to get them working again I blew a circuit that I could not find. This in turn cause the drivers windows to stop working as well as the convertible top. This causes an issue with the smart windows not working. When you open the door on the PT the windows drop a few inches to clear the molding, thus preserving a good seal. With this not working it would cause the windows to hit the seal and bow out ... it had to go to the garage
Final Cost- $180
Obviously next up was the issue with my sister in law which I will address later
Yesterday Dee misplaced her cellphone and we looked everywhere to find it. She naturally assumed she left it at work. After 24 hours she finally found it on the ground next t our mailbox. The mail carrier had driven over it wiping out the display
Final Cost- $350
Now I understand people make mistakes and in all honesty I am upset about these happening but I can honestly say I am not mad at her. I do however feel like a heel because for a brief instance today I snapped and became the old me, hollering and yelling like an idiot. I now realize that all the stress I've been experiencing with this transition and the current events had taken a toll on my emotional well being. I can honestly see how a little negativity can spiral into big negativity. I now realize I have no choice, I have to move forward because the old me needs to be a part of the past. I forgot what that feels like.
Work~ I have an old friend at work that always asks my advice. Recently he asked for help in picking out a new pc as he has no experience with it and feels more comfortable having someone he knows that does. I brought him a bunch of ads a week or so ago and pointed out some really good deals for him and he said he was going to go get one. I stopped in at his work area this week to see if he had and he hadn't but asked if I wasn't busy if we could hook up this weekend. As I walked out of his room I joked that he'd better do it soon because in the near future he may not want to bother with me anymore.
While this has been a joke it is also a way of me gaging reactions with certain people and to be honest I got nothing, that was until about 2pm when he walked into my room and loudly asked 'What are ya getting a sex change?"
When he didn't get the reaction he expected his attitude toned down a bit and he tried to talk about some transsexuals in another division of our company. I wasn't fully ready to out myself at work so I kept the conversation low key but never played into his game.
So why is it guys in general have to act that way? Is it a threat to their masculinity? I have to admit the more ignorance i hear come from the mouths of different men the more I realize that I was never like them. Oh I may have played the game at times to fit in but my emotions just do not work the same way. Thank God!
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all guys are bad or all guys are jerks. I know plenty who have been great to me and supportive. It's just that those few rotten times stand out as typical male behaviour. The more I see how differently my mind works the more i understand that I'm doing the right thing.
My sister in law~ Apparently Diane sent her another copy of the original email and a copy of my blog from Tuesday. Her sister responded on Thursday morning with a note that read
I've never seen this email before, I thought Kev was referring to a different email. I will call you tonight.
She called at 8:15pm Thursday and had a conversation with Dee in which she asked why we never discussed this with her before or even personally. It hurts me to think that others right to know supersedes my right to handle things in the best emotional manner for me. In essence my own comfort. I don't blame her for it, I just know this seems to be a common factor in dealing with sensitive subjects.
She went on to ask Diane if she was alright and what out intentions as a couple were. Lastly she said that she knew nothing of this and would need to spend time researching it and lastly assured us that she loves us no matter what.
I've had a rough family life, I've dealt with a lot of loss. People in my family do not seem to love unconditionally for whatever reason they choose. When it comes to my wife and her family, the last thing I want to do is be a cause for heartache and I could never live with myself for causing the loss. It scares me to think that my working to make myself better could actually cause someone I love pain.
At the end of it all I'd rate the outcome at 50/50 but lean it more towards a positive thing, I think it will just take time. All that I can hope for myself is that I am on my way back up and hopefully even stronger
Anyway, that's about it for now. If you have kicked me in the ass this week thank you. If you were worried for my well being thank you. I can't say I feel a lot better today but I can admit that I need to be happy and keep myself focused.
~K~
Aug 23, 2007
Roller coaster rides, are they over yet? Can I get off?
This whole transition has been a plethora of emotional peaks and valleys. Emotional peaks and Valleys were something I had grown accustomed too several years ago, it was just part of the self-loathing cycle. I was happy to say that I had not only beaten that cycle but my days were filled with more happiness that I’d ever known in my life.
This past weekend was a great one and I’m happy to have experienced most of it. Coming off that emotional high was a familiar feeling that I thought was long forgotten. I’ve often said to the people around me that I’d forgotten what I felt like back in 2005 because it just seemed so long ago. I have to admit it is funny how that old friend self-loathing can just ease up a barstool and reminisce of old times.
Back in May I sent my sister in law a detailed email about the things that were going on with me. I made it a point to explain that my biggest fears and concerns were not for me but the fact that I just didn’t want to hurt her children with this. I bared my soul to her and made myself a very vulnerable girl. Once the email was written I hit send and it was just a matter of time. Oh how I remember the churning in my stomach as I waited for a response worrying of the outcome.
1 day went by, then 2, then a week and suddenly a month. Both Diane and I were left scratching our heads wondering if she didn’t get it or what the story might be. Diane had even asked her mom at various times if anything was ever said and the answer was always no.
Lately I had been feeling funny, a sixth sense type of feeling. It was a feeling that my sister in law knew about this whole thing but wasn’t letting on. I received an email from a dear friend of mine who has helped me through some of this and her email stated the same thing. She felt it was time to talk to my sister in law because she thought she knew.
After careful consideration a series of events happened that were turn my world upside down. During the family get together my niece has swiped my cell phone and asked to take pictures with it. Having person stuff on my cell phone I was a bit uncomfortable but I figured if I stayed with her and set the camera up she would be fine. She took a few pictures that came out pretty nice and I decided to share that with the family in an email.
I got a response from my sister in law and at that point I felt it was a good chance to open up a dialog and find out exactly what was up so I asked her if she’d ever gotten that personal email I sent. As time passed I hadn’t heard anything so I’d asked my wife to email her asking her a question to see if she would answer and she did. Diane then wrote back asking if she’d gotten the email. What Diane and I had done was to box my sister in law in so she had no choice but to answer us and not pretend she never got anything. I guess the answer I got wasn’t what I’d hope for or expect.
When I’ve made it a point to come out to people I have done things in a very structured way so I could handle them. For instance I started with a big circle of friends and slowly moved towards the core (the people closest to me) At every step I prepared myself for the worst assuming that each person would walk from my life and if I got the opposite then I had at least prepared for everything, or so I thought.
When my sister in law wrote back she told my wife she had gotten the email, didn’t bother to read the whole thing and didn’t feel it needed a response. She had known the entire time and simply chose to ignore us. While I was prepared for the worst I was not prepared for someone to hold me emotionally hostage. I assume by not acknowledging my email she assumed she controlled what I do and stopped the effort from moving forward, something she has now succeeded at.
My sister in law has made it a habit to center any and all family functions around her home and family. The only holiday we ever had at our house was xmas to which my sister in law took the liberty of stripping from us as well. By funneling every ounce of the family through her household she has created a vacuum of sorts for me. If I’m not welcome in her home as me then I can’t even be around the people who actually cared enough to support me. This would also mean that I wouldn’t have xmas with my daughter as she would surely attend my sister in laws get together. I guess it was an ace card she owned over me …
I’ve had a dear friend try to kick me in the butt this week telling me that this pity party has gone on long enough and I understand she is trying to get me out of my funk. I wish I could oblige and fall back into routine but I’m so lost in despair right now I can’t seem to climb out. I’ve contemplated a lot of things in the past few days. Stopping transition and making nice for the sake of the family, taking off on my own and losing everything I love and I’ve also contemplated some things I’d rather not mention.
I wouldn’t have thought I could crash this hard again and I certainly wouldn’t have thought I could remember how I’d felt 2 years ago and it all suddenly seems to have rushed back. I can only assume that when I set out on this path in Aug 2005 that I miscalculated my strength and resolve assuming I was a strong enough person to do this.
Last night while visiting my daughter and grand daughter Jess could see it on my face and in my eyes. She had that look of concern and tried to get me to talk. I refused to discuss it with her because she adores her Aunt and I know when it comes to Aunt VS Parent I will inevitably be the loser so I choose to not allow her to be in the middle of things no matter how low I feel I am. I know when she looks into my eyes she sees more of a shell right now than anything and it hurts me to not be everything I need to be for her.
So here I am feeling trapped. Trapped in a body that doesn’t fit, trapped in a life that I’ve cornered myself into and trapped being the person I once was all over again … Is life really worth it …
~K~
This past weekend was a great one and I’m happy to have experienced most of it. Coming off that emotional high was a familiar feeling that I thought was long forgotten. I’ve often said to the people around me that I’d forgotten what I felt like back in 2005 because it just seemed so long ago. I have to admit it is funny how that old friend self-loathing can just ease up a barstool and reminisce of old times.
Back in May I sent my sister in law a detailed email about the things that were going on with me. I made it a point to explain that my biggest fears and concerns were not for me but the fact that I just didn’t want to hurt her children with this. I bared my soul to her and made myself a very vulnerable girl. Once the email was written I hit send and it was just a matter of time. Oh how I remember the churning in my stomach as I waited for a response worrying of the outcome.
1 day went by, then 2, then a week and suddenly a month. Both Diane and I were left scratching our heads wondering if she didn’t get it or what the story might be. Diane had even asked her mom at various times if anything was ever said and the answer was always no.
Lately I had been feeling funny, a sixth sense type of feeling. It was a feeling that my sister in law knew about this whole thing but wasn’t letting on. I received an email from a dear friend of mine who has helped me through some of this and her email stated the same thing. She felt it was time to talk to my sister in law because she thought she knew.
After careful consideration a series of events happened that were turn my world upside down. During the family get together my niece has swiped my cell phone and asked to take pictures with it. Having person stuff on my cell phone I was a bit uncomfortable but I figured if I stayed with her and set the camera up she would be fine. She took a few pictures that came out pretty nice and I decided to share that with the family in an email.
I got a response from my sister in law and at that point I felt it was a good chance to open up a dialog and find out exactly what was up so I asked her if she’d ever gotten that personal email I sent. As time passed I hadn’t heard anything so I’d asked my wife to email her asking her a question to see if she would answer and she did. Diane then wrote back asking if she’d gotten the email. What Diane and I had done was to box my sister in law in so she had no choice but to answer us and not pretend she never got anything. I guess the answer I got wasn’t what I’d hope for or expect.
When I’ve made it a point to come out to people I have done things in a very structured way so I could handle them. For instance I started with a big circle of friends and slowly moved towards the core (the people closest to me) At every step I prepared myself for the worst assuming that each person would walk from my life and if I got the opposite then I had at least prepared for everything, or so I thought.
When my sister in law wrote back she told my wife she had gotten the email, didn’t bother to read the whole thing and didn’t feel it needed a response. She had known the entire time and simply chose to ignore us. While I was prepared for the worst I was not prepared for someone to hold me emotionally hostage. I assume by not acknowledging my email she assumed she controlled what I do and stopped the effort from moving forward, something she has now succeeded at.
My sister in law has made it a habit to center any and all family functions around her home and family. The only holiday we ever had at our house was xmas to which my sister in law took the liberty of stripping from us as well. By funneling every ounce of the family through her household she has created a vacuum of sorts for me. If I’m not welcome in her home as me then I can’t even be around the people who actually cared enough to support me. This would also mean that I wouldn’t have xmas with my daughter as she would surely attend my sister in laws get together. I guess it was an ace card she owned over me …
I’ve had a dear friend try to kick me in the butt this week telling me that this pity party has gone on long enough and I understand she is trying to get me out of my funk. I wish I could oblige and fall back into routine but I’m so lost in despair right now I can’t seem to climb out. I’ve contemplated a lot of things in the past few days. Stopping transition and making nice for the sake of the family, taking off on my own and losing everything I love and I’ve also contemplated some things I’d rather not mention.
I wouldn’t have thought I could crash this hard again and I certainly wouldn’t have thought I could remember how I’d felt 2 years ago and it all suddenly seems to have rushed back. I can only assume that when I set out on this path in Aug 2005 that I miscalculated my strength and resolve assuming I was a strong enough person to do this.
Last night while visiting my daughter and grand daughter Jess could see it on my face and in my eyes. She had that look of concern and tried to get me to talk. I refused to discuss it with her because she adores her Aunt and I know when it comes to Aunt VS Parent I will inevitably be the loser so I choose to not allow her to be in the middle of things no matter how low I feel I am. I know when she looks into my eyes she sees more of a shell right now than anything and it hurts me to not be everything I need to be for her.
So here I am feeling trapped. Trapped in a body that doesn’t fit, trapped in a life that I’ve cornered myself into and trapped being the person I once was all over again … Is life really worth it …
~K~
Aug 17, 2007
Breakthroughs?
When things happen, it is my belief now that they happen for a reason. Whether it is that we are challenged in some way, we need to learn something new or we just simply need to better ourselves. Learning and challenging ourselves is to some degree what life is all about, after all if it wasn’t our grandparents would have such interesting stories.
Every so often in the sea of our static world something dynamic throws a curve ball and shakes things up. Sometimes those shakeups cause us to refocus our resolve and remember what is important to our need to evolve and move forward. Last night something happened out of the blue to me that might just be what I needed given the past weeks I’ve been having.
In a phone conversation with her mother last night I motioned to my wife to say hi to her mom for me. I always make it a point to wave from across the room or whatever so she knows I’m thinking of her. Since I’ve started my transition Dee has gone from calling me by my former name to her mom to simply "Kay" or ~K~.
To this day her mom has NEVER picked up on that, and generally asks "Who?"
Last night was different, a change and it was a positive one that was totally unexpected and just what I really needed. After Diane told her the usual ~K~ says hi her mother responded with Tell "her" I said hello. I was taken back when I heard this and very touched. It’s been tough just to get her to remember or acknowledge ~K~ and in one swoop did she not only do that but referred to me in the proper pronoun …
Oh Virginia there is a Santa Claus!
I had to ask my wife several time if she was totally sure that was what she heard and she continually assured me it was. Another step forward!! I’m so happy that it happened in this manner and now I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it continues to happen. It was most certainly a ray of sunshine in a cloudy week.
On a side note we are spending tonight with our daughter and granddaughter. As I write this I simply cannot wait to see them, I’m bursting with excitement!
Tomorrow we have a cookout for a dear family friend that is home with his family. He moved to Washington 10 or so years ago and we have only seen him once since. Thursday when Jess stopped by to see him and his family Mark made reference to having to go visit his transgender friend. In a shocked manner my daughter replied "Oh, He told you?" His mom was standing behind him shaking her head no trying to tell Jess that he didn’t know yet….
Apparently he has ANOTHER TG friend!! He never caught on and I’m not sure if I’ll let him in as he is only here a short time.
Lastly on Sunday we are going to see the Brad Delp tribute show in Boston where the original members of the band Boston are scheduled to regroup for one song in memory of Brad. There are also supposed to be several other famous bands and performers making appearances as well.
It is gearing up to be a very busy weekend for the ~K~ household …
Hope yours is a good one as well!
~K~
Every so often in the sea of our static world something dynamic throws a curve ball and shakes things up. Sometimes those shakeups cause us to refocus our resolve and remember what is important to our need to evolve and move forward. Last night something happened out of the blue to me that might just be what I needed given the past weeks I’ve been having.
In a phone conversation with her mother last night I motioned to my wife to say hi to her mom for me. I always make it a point to wave from across the room or whatever so she knows I’m thinking of her. Since I’ve started my transition Dee has gone from calling me by my former name to her mom to simply "Kay" or ~K~.
To this day her mom has NEVER picked up on that, and generally asks "Who?"
Last night was different, a change and it was a positive one that was totally unexpected and just what I really needed. After Diane told her the usual ~K~ says hi her mother responded with Tell "her" I said hello. I was taken back when I heard this and very touched. It’s been tough just to get her to remember or acknowledge ~K~ and in one swoop did she not only do that but referred to me in the proper pronoun …
Oh Virginia there is a Santa Claus!
I had to ask my wife several time if she was totally sure that was what she heard and she continually assured me it was. Another step forward!! I’m so happy that it happened in this manner and now I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it continues to happen. It was most certainly a ray of sunshine in a cloudy week.
On a side note we are spending tonight with our daughter and granddaughter. As I write this I simply cannot wait to see them, I’m bursting with excitement!
Tomorrow we have a cookout for a dear family friend that is home with his family. He moved to Washington 10 or so years ago and we have only seen him once since. Thursday when Jess stopped by to see him and his family Mark made reference to having to go visit his transgender friend. In a shocked manner my daughter replied "Oh, He told you?" His mom was standing behind him shaking her head no trying to tell Jess that he didn’t know yet….
Apparently he has ANOTHER TG friend!! He never caught on and I’m not sure if I’ll let him in as he is only here a short time.
Lastly on Sunday we are going to see the Brad Delp tribute show in Boston where the original members of the band Boston are scheduled to regroup for one song in memory of Brad. There are also supposed to be several other famous bands and performers making appearances as well.
It is gearing up to be a very busy weekend for the ~K~ household …
Hope yours is a good one as well!
~K~
Aug 15, 2007
Blue times
Today’s a bit of a weird day for me. I have a counseling session tonight and I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. I’m not anticipating a good session because I’ve had a pretty low 3 weeks, In some form I’ve regressed a bit and I’m in a funk because of it. Things got awfully busy for us 3 weeks ago and keeping busy means less time to work on being me and most of all learning to be comfortable out in public.
Generally what happens in times such as this is that I make a bad habit of putting everyone ahead of my own needs, I’m simply a people pleaser at heart. When this happens and I don’t focus on my own needs I tend to get buried in the daily shuffle. The longer this goes on the further I get buried. So how did this happen?
On July 22nd my world changed for the better. My daughter gave birth to my first grandchild. While this ended up being an amazing joyous occasion for me I simply wasn’t prepared for some of the unintended fallout that would pursue. As word spread people wanting to congratulate me would stop by or call and say things like "Congrat’s gramps" "Sup Granddad? Etc. This messed with my head very deeply and with all the shuffle I hadn’t anticipate what that would do to me emotionally. It cause a lot of confusion and a downward spiral.
As we were enjoying the newness of our granddaughter I had noticed that I started getting sir’ed quite a bit. Something that hasn’t happened in quite a long time. When this happened with the droves of friend congratulating "Gramps" it just added to my misery and confusion but worst of all pushed me lower.
During this time I noticed some darker re-growth on my face, something that has ALWAYS played a very emotional role with me. Thankfully I had another laser appointment scheduled so it would bother me but I was able to take care of it.
All these things going on in my head did what it usually did, it pushed me back up on the fence and made me start re-evaluating whether or not I should just stop and attempt to live in my former role. I know what the answer should be to that but at the same time I’ve grown so tired of being stagnant and the male assigned roles by people.
In a recent email exchange with my daughter she asked how I was and I replied that I had been down a bit and that I was on the fence about stopping. I told her that I was tired of being stuck and not being able to move forward. Her response was quite a shock to me as she has always been supportive but never really gave me any indicators if I was doing the right thing.
She wrote
It will take time. Please dont just throw everything out to the wind. You NEED to take your time at doing what makes you comfortable and you need to learn where you will be comfortable for the rest of your life, weather that be going all the way or somewhere in between. What you are doing is extremely good for you. It is truly making you out to be a BETTER person all around. You are so much happier in your skin now than 5 years ago, and I would really really really REALLY hate to see the person you were 5 years ago again, not that I dont love you for you, but I really enjoy the person you are today.
This email really took me back and even made me cry a bit as it was the first time she showed me she deeply cared about the state I was in and felt I would be making a mistake by stopping. It was the first time where she went beyond being accepting and made me feel like she saw this as a no brainer, it was right for my long term well being.
I don’t think my head is any better in this game today, but at least I know I’m loved. I only hope I can pull myself out of this funk I’m in and find the courage I’ve been lacking to get back on track and take care of myself again … If anything I miss being positive about things and not lost.
~K~
Generally what happens in times such as this is that I make a bad habit of putting everyone ahead of my own needs, I’m simply a people pleaser at heart. When this happens and I don’t focus on my own needs I tend to get buried in the daily shuffle. The longer this goes on the further I get buried. So how did this happen?
On July 22nd my world changed for the better. My daughter gave birth to my first grandchild. While this ended up being an amazing joyous occasion for me I simply wasn’t prepared for some of the unintended fallout that would pursue. As word spread people wanting to congratulate me would stop by or call and say things like "Congrat’s gramps" "Sup Granddad? Etc. This messed with my head very deeply and with all the shuffle I hadn’t anticipate what that would do to me emotionally. It cause a lot of confusion and a downward spiral.
As we were enjoying the newness of our granddaughter I had noticed that I started getting sir’ed quite a bit. Something that hasn’t happened in quite a long time. When this happened with the droves of friend congratulating "Gramps" it just added to my misery and confusion but worst of all pushed me lower.
During this time I noticed some darker re-growth on my face, something that has ALWAYS played a very emotional role with me. Thankfully I had another laser appointment scheduled so it would bother me but I was able to take care of it.
All these things going on in my head did what it usually did, it pushed me back up on the fence and made me start re-evaluating whether or not I should just stop and attempt to live in my former role. I know what the answer should be to that but at the same time I’ve grown so tired of being stagnant and the male assigned roles by people.
In a recent email exchange with my daughter she asked how I was and I replied that I had been down a bit and that I was on the fence about stopping. I told her that I was tired of being stuck and not being able to move forward. Her response was quite a shock to me as she has always been supportive but never really gave me any indicators if I was doing the right thing.
She wrote
It will take time. Please dont just throw everything out to the wind. You NEED to take your time at doing what makes you comfortable and you need to learn where you will be comfortable for the rest of your life, weather that be going all the way or somewhere in between. What you are doing is extremely good for you. It is truly making you out to be a BETTER person all around. You are so much happier in your skin now than 5 years ago, and I would really really really REALLY hate to see the person you were 5 years ago again, not that I dont love you for you, but I really enjoy the person you are today.
This email really took me back and even made me cry a bit as it was the first time she showed me she deeply cared about the state I was in and felt I would be making a mistake by stopping. It was the first time where she went beyond being accepting and made me feel like she saw this as a no brainer, it was right for my long term well being.
I don’t think my head is any better in this game today, but at least I know I’m loved. I only hope I can pull myself out of this funk I’m in and find the courage I’ve been lacking to get back on track and take care of myself again … If anything I miss being positive about things and not lost.
~K~
Aug 13, 2007
Dr's Decision to Transition
Great Boston Globe article about a Dr's decision to come out and transition all while coninuing to practice medicine. I find her story to be inspirational in that she was willing to put it all on the line to be true to herself .. The 2nd part of this story will be printed in a week.
On a funny side note, this story takes place in Somerville Ma which is incedentally where my father was born ..
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2007/08/12/family_doctors_journey_full_story/
Video presentation
http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1137942367/bclid1137808653/bctid1137697447
On a funny side note, this story takes place in Somerville Ma which is incedentally where my father was born ..
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2007/08/12/family_doctors_journey_full_story/
Video presentation
http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1137942367/bclid1137808653/bctid1137697447
Aug 12, 2007
How do I know?
Once a month on a Sunday morning I try and meet my cousin for breakfast. Generally the rule of thumb is that we try and choose someplace new and we alternate paying. This has been a nice way of staying in touch, getting caught up and having a little slice of family. This morning was our scheduled get together and we decided to meet up in Manchester NH at the Red Arrow Diner.
For those who may be unaware the Red Arrow is an old time style diner with bar stools and only 5 booths. The food is decent and inexpensive and the atmosphere is similar to a typical greasy spoon. The twist with the Red Arrow tend to be some of its patrons are that of the rich and famous. For instance Adam Sandler frequents this diner when he returns home for visits or whatnot.
Today in our general conversation Betty's questions turned to how I'd been doing with things. I explained that I'd had a couple of rough weeks personally but that tends to happen when I wear myself down. At one point she was curious and wondered how I'd known, after all she was born female and never had to deal with not understanding that internal struggle that transgender people have to go through.
Using my standard way of explaining I simply asked her what her favorite color was. Her response was Blue!! I then asked how she knew and it was something that she honestly couldn't answer, she just knew it was blue... exactly I responded.
While it is a very basic was of describing this so others can get a grasp the truth is that it goes far deeper than that. I am slowly realizing that it is not only deeper but is very different for each and every one of us. While we all seem to have very similar stories the way we see and approach who we are as individuals are very different, so how DO we know!
When I was young I wished I could fit in with the girls, play barbies, play house, go to a prom and at one point even in my marriage admitted to my wife that the biggest thing I'd felt I missed out on was the ability to have children. I know for most that may seem funny to hear but it was one of the things that always sat in the back of my mind. Well the closest thing I could have to what I wanted was to be a father. I may not have always been the best at that job, but I tried my best with what little knowledge I had.
FWIW I never did get a barbie doll, my life was relegated to "BigJim" and "Evil Knievel" You play the cards you are dealt I guess.
As I look back over the years of the how did I know question, I cannot pinpoint any one major thing other than just feeling out of place within myself. I knew I was different but I knew it had to be a secret so I just did my best to ignore it (unsuccessfully). There were times it was easier than others and I just moved through my life knowing I was different and feeling very tormented within my soul. The only thing I could easily point to when my wife asked me what I wanted was simply inner peace... whatever that may entail.
I never felt transition was an option or even possible, but I am slowly finding out what my key to inner peace may be. As I move through this journey I am starting to see for myself the differences in my thoughts as opposed to those of my male friends and is becoming clearer and clearer that I haven't been as loony as I'd thought I was for so many years, I was simply thinking in female way and becoming frustrated with the male response ..it all magically fell into place.
Last night looking through my TIVO I noticed Larry King Live ran a segment on Transgendered people. It became not only a platform to get more information out to the masses but a bit comical. While Larry does a service by being open enough to discuss the matter he does little to educate himself before he opens his mouth. At one point he even asked Susan Stanton if she stands when she pees in the ladies room ...
One of the guests he had on was a beautiful TG girl whose name was Jessica Lam. Jessica was well spoken and handled herself perfectly even having her 2 teenage boys by her side supporting her. In the course of her interview a tape was played to show a bit of Jessica's life, In this tape she exclaimed how when she was young she dreamed of being able to wear dresses and skirts and she the states, want to see what I wear now as she holds up a pair of jeans, that's me I told my wife.
In another part of the segment Larry was getting confused about the sexuality aspect of being TG. He naturally assumed that Jessica dated men and he was quite surprised to hear she dated women. So you're a lesbian he asked with an odd look on his face. She explained how some people cannot understand the full change if you continue to be with the same sex. She mentioned how her dad was perplexed and even asked, why would you get the surgery if only to have to use a strap-on later!! She went on the explain that when she would have relations with her wife at the time she would have to zone into feeling as though she was having lesbian relations to get any fulfillment from it. This was and has been something not only very basic to myself by my friend Annah as well. In order to be into the moment or get anything from it I would always have to be in a zone and often tried to put myself in a feminine role. If I wasn't able to do that, then it was just sex and nothing more to me with no personal fulfillment.
So while we all seem to have parallels within our lives we all seem to have our differences as well. But the bottom line is simply to be able to live our lives in peace.
Recently after feeling rundown and tired of dealing with my life and the GID I had a brief email conversation with my daughter. In the course of the conversation I mentioned my thoughts about just giving the whole thing up because I'm so tired of living it. Her response was not only touching but eye opening. She explained to me that while she will always love me she liked who I've become far more than who I was and that this was the right path for me. I have to admit it was pretty touching to hear, not only because it was a slap of reality but because I'd always thought Jess supported me because she loved me but had no true opinion on whether or not I was making a mistake.
Sometimes when the proof is in front of us we don't even see it for ourselves but it takes someone from the outside looking in to give us our dose of reality. I had a cry over it but it was well worth the feeling of being loved and cared about.
So, how do I know? I not only know it within my heart and head but I now know it within all my interactions and experiences that have gotten me to where I am, hopefully i am strong enough to learn even more.
~K~
For those who may be unaware the Red Arrow is an old time style diner with bar stools and only 5 booths. The food is decent and inexpensive and the atmosphere is similar to a typical greasy spoon. The twist with the Red Arrow tend to be some of its patrons are that of the rich and famous. For instance Adam Sandler frequents this diner when he returns home for visits or whatnot.
Today in our general conversation Betty's questions turned to how I'd been doing with things. I explained that I'd had a couple of rough weeks personally but that tends to happen when I wear myself down. At one point she was curious and wondered how I'd known, after all she was born female and never had to deal with not understanding that internal struggle that transgender people have to go through.
Using my standard way of explaining I simply asked her what her favorite color was. Her response was Blue!! I then asked how she knew and it was something that she honestly couldn't answer, she just knew it was blue... exactly I responded.
While it is a very basic was of describing this so others can get a grasp the truth is that it goes far deeper than that. I am slowly realizing that it is not only deeper but is very different for each and every one of us. While we all seem to have very similar stories the way we see and approach who we are as individuals are very different, so how DO we know!
When I was young I wished I could fit in with the girls, play barbies, play house, go to a prom and at one point even in my marriage admitted to my wife that the biggest thing I'd felt I missed out on was the ability to have children. I know for most that may seem funny to hear but it was one of the things that always sat in the back of my mind. Well the closest thing I could have to what I wanted was to be a father. I may not have always been the best at that job, but I tried my best with what little knowledge I had.
FWIW I never did get a barbie doll, my life was relegated to "BigJim" and "Evil Knievel" You play the cards you are dealt I guess.
As I look back over the years of the how did I know question, I cannot pinpoint any one major thing other than just feeling out of place within myself. I knew I was different but I knew it had to be a secret so I just did my best to ignore it (unsuccessfully). There were times it was easier than others and I just moved through my life knowing I was different and feeling very tormented within my soul. The only thing I could easily point to when my wife asked me what I wanted was simply inner peace... whatever that may entail.
I never felt transition was an option or even possible, but I am slowly finding out what my key to inner peace may be. As I move through this journey I am starting to see for myself the differences in my thoughts as opposed to those of my male friends and is becoming clearer and clearer that I haven't been as loony as I'd thought I was for so many years, I was simply thinking in female way and becoming frustrated with the male response ..it all magically fell into place.
Last night looking through my TIVO I noticed Larry King Live ran a segment on Transgendered people. It became not only a platform to get more information out to the masses but a bit comical. While Larry does a service by being open enough to discuss the matter he does little to educate himself before he opens his mouth. At one point he even asked Susan Stanton if she stands when she pees in the ladies room ...
One of the guests he had on was a beautiful TG girl whose name was Jessica Lam. Jessica was well spoken and handled herself perfectly even having her 2 teenage boys by her side supporting her. In the course of her interview a tape was played to show a bit of Jessica's life, In this tape she exclaimed how when she was young she dreamed of being able to wear dresses and skirts and she the states, want to see what I wear now as she holds up a pair of jeans, that's me I told my wife.
In another part of the segment Larry was getting confused about the sexuality aspect of being TG. He naturally assumed that Jessica dated men and he was quite surprised to hear she dated women. So you're a lesbian he asked with an odd look on his face. She explained how some people cannot understand the full change if you continue to be with the same sex. She mentioned how her dad was perplexed and even asked, why would you get the surgery if only to have to use a strap-on later!! She went on the explain that when she would have relations with her wife at the time she would have to zone into feeling as though she was having lesbian relations to get any fulfillment from it. This was and has been something not only very basic to myself by my friend Annah as well. In order to be into the moment or get anything from it I would always have to be in a zone and often tried to put myself in a feminine role. If I wasn't able to do that, then it was just sex and nothing more to me with no personal fulfillment.
So while we all seem to have parallels within our lives we all seem to have our differences as well. But the bottom line is simply to be able to live our lives in peace.
Recently after feeling rundown and tired of dealing with my life and the GID I had a brief email conversation with my daughter. In the course of the conversation I mentioned my thoughts about just giving the whole thing up because I'm so tired of living it. Her response was not only touching but eye opening. She explained to me that while she will always love me she liked who I've become far more than who I was and that this was the right path for me. I have to admit it was pretty touching to hear, not only because it was a slap of reality but because I'd always thought Jess supported me because she loved me but had no true opinion on whether or not I was making a mistake.
Sometimes when the proof is in front of us we don't even see it for ourselves but it takes someone from the outside looking in to give us our dose of reality. I had a cry over it but it was well worth the feeling of being loved and cared about.
So, how do I know? I not only know it within my heart and head but I now know it within all my interactions and experiences that have gotten me to where I am, hopefully i am strong enough to learn even more.
~K~
Aug 8, 2007
Back 2 the grind
Well I’m just back from another week off. (Not really I’ve been here since Monday) and I have to admit I’m pretty wiped out right now. My sleeping patterns are all messed up again and when that happens it really takes a lot out of me. I normally get up at 5am to be to work at 6am but on vacation I was staying in bed until 6:30/7am. Yeah I know for most people that’s considerably early but for me that’s late.
My body clock work in such a manner that I don’t use an alarm to get out of bed anymore, it just naturally wakes me at 5am. So you can probably see why I am dragging my feet this week. So like most people being drawn out and under rested has a major impact on not only how I move through my day, but how I emotionally deal with things as well.
It’s been a busy few weeks for me and I’ve been neglecting myself more than I should have. I guess while the whole trans thing is always there but it tends to get suppressed at times for the good of others. I spent a lot of time with family and friends this past week. Some of who don’t know what is up with me and some who do but I’m not totally comfortable letting my guard down with yet.
When I get like this it tends to slide me back into "Kev" mode and then being tired really makes the emotional side of things hard to deal with and I can get to feeling low. Dee tends to point out to me that I’m running stagnant and not focusing on my own needs and I know she is right but it’s hard to pull your ass out of that hole sometimes.
When I get this way it really makes me question what I’m doing and it will usually cause me to rethink going back to the old me. Diane is usually good about kicking me back into place and I know it all revolves around me being overtired, but I never seem to learn my lesson. Hopefully I get myself out of the funk soon..
Yesterday was a bit of a ground breaking day for me. I finally told my best friend’s wife what was up with me and the response wasn’t bad at all. She said nothing changes between us but we agreed that we wouldn’t tell my friend until after his surgery. (He’s having minor surgery at the end of the month)
My friend and I have known each other the better part of our lives or 35/36 yrs now. Over the years he has had behaviors that for lack of a better term irked the shit out of me. After an issue about 3 weeks ago it finally dawned on me that it was simply a difference in our thought process. He was just being a guy and his approach was something I could just not relate too or understand easily. After this hit me all the past issues made a lot more sense to me. It really is a male/female perspective.
Anyway, I guess it isn’t all bad I just need to get my head back in the game. Usually when this happens it involves me moving forward some more so if I end up having some positive direction from this then all the better ….
~K!
My body clock work in such a manner that I don’t use an alarm to get out of bed anymore, it just naturally wakes me at 5am. So you can probably see why I am dragging my feet this week. So like most people being drawn out and under rested has a major impact on not only how I move through my day, but how I emotionally deal with things as well.
It’s been a busy few weeks for me and I’ve been neglecting myself more than I should have. I guess while the whole trans thing is always there but it tends to get suppressed at times for the good of others. I spent a lot of time with family and friends this past week. Some of who don’t know what is up with me and some who do but I’m not totally comfortable letting my guard down with yet.
When I get like this it tends to slide me back into "Kev" mode and then being tired really makes the emotional side of things hard to deal with and I can get to feeling low. Dee tends to point out to me that I’m running stagnant and not focusing on my own needs and I know she is right but it’s hard to pull your ass out of that hole sometimes.
When I get this way it really makes me question what I’m doing and it will usually cause me to rethink going back to the old me. Diane is usually good about kicking me back into place and I know it all revolves around me being overtired, but I never seem to learn my lesson. Hopefully I get myself out of the funk soon..
Yesterday was a bit of a ground breaking day for me. I finally told my best friend’s wife what was up with me and the response wasn’t bad at all. She said nothing changes between us but we agreed that we wouldn’t tell my friend until after his surgery. (He’s having minor surgery at the end of the month)
My friend and I have known each other the better part of our lives or 35/36 yrs now. Over the years he has had behaviors that for lack of a better term irked the shit out of me. After an issue about 3 weeks ago it finally dawned on me that it was simply a difference in our thought process. He was just being a guy and his approach was something I could just not relate too or understand easily. After this hit me all the past issues made a lot more sense to me. It really is a male/female perspective.
Anyway, I guess it isn’t all bad I just need to get my head back in the game. Usually when this happens it involves me moving forward some more so if I end up having some positive direction from this then all the better ….
~K!
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