Roller coaster rides, are they over yet? Can I get off?

This whole transition has been a plethora of emotional peaks and valleys. Emotional peaks and Valleys were something I had grown accustomed too several years ago, it was just part of the self-loathing cycle. I was happy to say that I had not only beaten that cycle but my days were filled with more happiness that I’d ever known in my life.

This past weekend was a great one and I’m happy to have experienced most of it. Coming off that emotional high was a familiar feeling that I thought was long forgotten. I’ve often said to the people around me that I’d forgotten what I felt like back in 2005 because it just seemed so long ago. I have to admit it is funny how that old friend self-loathing can just ease up a barstool and reminisce of old times.

Back in May I sent my sister in law a detailed email about the things that were going on with me. I made it a point to explain that my biggest fears and concerns were not for me but the fact that I just didn’t want to hurt her children with this. I bared my soul to her and made myself a very vulnerable girl. Once the email was written I hit send and it was just a matter of time. Oh how I remember the churning in my stomach as I waited for a response worrying of the outcome.

1 day went by, then 2, then a week and suddenly a month. Both Diane and I were left scratching our heads wondering if she didn’t get it or what the story might be. Diane had even asked her mom at various times if anything was ever said and the answer was always no.
Lately I had been feeling funny, a sixth sense type of feeling. It was a feeling that my sister in law knew about this whole thing but wasn’t letting on. I received an email from a dear friend of mine who has helped me through some of this and her email stated the same thing. She felt it was time to talk to my sister in law because she thought she knew.

After careful consideration a series of events happened that were turn my world upside down. During the family get together my niece has swiped my cell phone and asked to take pictures with it. Having person stuff on my cell phone I was a bit uncomfortable but I figured if I stayed with her and set the camera up she would be fine. She took a few pictures that came out pretty nice and I decided to share that with the family in an email.

I got a response from my sister in law and at that point I felt it was a good chance to open up a dialog and find out exactly what was up so I asked her if she’d ever gotten that personal email I sent. As time passed I hadn’t heard anything so I’d asked my wife to email her asking her a question to see if she would answer and she did. Diane then wrote back asking if she’d gotten the email. What Diane and I had done was to box my sister in law in so she had no choice but to answer us and not pretend she never got anything. I guess the answer I got wasn’t what I’d hope for or expect.

When I’ve made it a point to come out to people I have done things in a very structured way so I could handle them. For instance I started with a big circle of friends and slowly moved towards the core (the people closest to me) At every step I prepared myself for the worst assuming that each person would walk from my life and if I got the opposite then I had at least prepared for everything, or so I thought.

When my sister in law wrote back she told my wife she had gotten the email, didn’t bother to read the whole thing and didn’t feel it needed a response. She had known the entire time and simply chose to ignore us. While I was prepared for the worst I was not prepared for someone to hold me emotionally hostage. I assume by not acknowledging my email she assumed she controlled what I do and stopped the effort from moving forward, something she has now succeeded at.

My sister in law has made it a habit to center any and all family functions around her home and family. The only holiday we ever had at our house was xmas to which my sister in law took the liberty of stripping from us as well. By funneling every ounce of the family through her household she has created a vacuum of sorts for me. If I’m not welcome in her home as me then I can’t even be around the people who actually cared enough to support me. This would also mean that I wouldn’t have xmas with my daughter as she would surely attend my sister in laws get together. I guess it was an ace card she owned over me …

I’ve had a dear friend try to kick me in the butt this week telling me that this pity party has gone on long enough and I understand she is trying to get me out of my funk. I wish I could oblige and fall back into routine but I’m so lost in despair right now I can’t seem to climb out. I’ve contemplated a lot of things in the past few days. Stopping transition and making nice for the sake of the family, taking off on my own and losing everything I love and I’ve also contemplated some things I’d rather not mention.

I wouldn’t have thought I could crash this hard again and I certainly wouldn’t have thought I could remember how I’d felt 2 years ago and it all suddenly seems to have rushed back. I can only assume that when I set out on this path in Aug 2005 that I miscalculated my strength and resolve assuming I was a strong enough person to do this.

Last night while visiting my daughter and grand daughter Jess could see it on my face and in my eyes. She had that look of concern and tried to get me to talk. I refused to discuss it with her because she adores her Aunt and I know when it comes to Aunt VS Parent I will inevitably be the loser so I choose to not allow her to be in the middle of things no matter how low I feel I am. I know when she looks into my eyes she sees more of a shell right now than anything and it hurts me to not be everything I need to be for her.

So here I am feeling trapped. Trapped in a body that doesn’t fit, trapped in a life that I’ve cornered myself into and trapped being the person I once was all over again … Is life really worth it …


~K~